I have been doing online dating for a while now, meeting some nice women but nobody with whom I “clicked” in a while. This particular girl was interesting: cute, single (never married), witty, and intelligent, as well as very flirty in a seductive way, twenties; in short, the whole package. We’d never met, though because she lived an hour away, and neither of us was keen to drive the whole way, and there was nothing interesting in the middle.
One Saturday night, I was just chilling at the batcave, so I was online by 7:30. Soon after I logged into the dating site, aforementioned Interesting Girl messaged me, and we began chatting. It turned out she that she had been stood up by a date. She invited me to drive to her locale for dinner and a movie. Netflix and chill? Ok! (Oh please, I don’t do that.)
But I did.
After some hemming and hawing (Once I’m home, and down to the T-shirt and shorts, I’m done), I opted for the “What’s the worst that could happen?” route and jumped into a Zipcar and headed out around 8:15, making record time and arriving by 9pm.
I called her from the parking lot, and she buzzed me into the massive building in which she lived. Navigating the labyrinth of hallways, I arrived at her door and knocked. Out stepped a woman who fulfilled every promise her pictures held and more. She was such a knockout. Brunette, brown eyes, gorgeous slamming body, lovely legs, twenties, and incredibly sexy. She was wearing a light top and a short skirt and heels. My eyes are watering. She’s so beautiful. I want her.
I didn’t notice at the time that she had closed the door behind her. We trekked back to the parking lot and hopped in the car. She insisted on driving.
“You drove all this way to see me!”
She was so beautiful, I seceded.
We set off for one of the few restaurants still open in her area after 9pm.
The conversation in the car flowed… Unfortunately. Over the course of the next 20-30 minutes, she did most of the talking – and managed to tell me the following:
- She is not, in fact, “single (never married)” as it says on her profile – she is divorced.
- Her divorce is not, in fact, finalized, but will be soon – so technically, she is “separated (still married).”
- She still has some feelings for her not-yet-ex.
- In fact, they still see each other occasionally.
- He lives in his parents’ basement. (What?)
- She suffers from depression, or as she put it, “Sometimes I don’t know why I exist.”
- About a month ago, when she was feeling particularly low, she went to visit her ex to have dinner and watch a movie.
- Her ulterior motive, she told me, was to seduce him.
- Her motivation for that motive was to get pregnant, because she thought that a baby might give her life a purpose. (What?)
- To that end, she had quite a bit to drink – they both did – and she neglected to use a condom She doesn’t like birth control because of what it does to her complexion. (I get that.)
- Soon after, she drove home (still drunk, and still depressed).
- Arriving at home, she flopped on the couch next to her roommate.
- The roommate is her cousin.
- Her second cousin, really.
- This cousin was released from jail (assault and battery) 2-3 months prior; it seems he has a bit of an anger problem.
- After she told him what she had done, and he argued that she needed to go – now – to get the “Morning After” pill, so she didn’t conceive; she rebuffed him and said she would sleep on the matter. She went to bed.
- When she awoke the next morning, her cousin was lying in bed next to her.
- Naked. (He fucked her)
- Waking, he said, “Guess you better go get that pill now, huh?”
- She did.
- The cousin still lives with her; that’s why she slipped out the door so deftly.
Needless to say, I was stunned. Horrified. Unfortunately, she was driving – so I couldn’t very well say, “Let me out here please, crazy lady.”(Or… as my man Church would have done… jumped out of the car at 70 miles an hour, and rolled down the embankment.)
We soon arrived at the restaurant, and the rest of the night was very pleasant all things considered: We ate, had good conversation (about anything but the items above), she drove me back to the apartment, we had sex, which was spectacular several times, (Yes condoms. A thousand times yes) and then I high-tailed it out of there quietly under the cloak of night.
The next time I saw her was at a fund-raiser; she was on the arm of a friend of a friend (whom I knew from being in that friend’s wedding with him). She smiled, and gave me a hug, and I grinned at her new beau as I shook his hand. Either he knew what I knew and didn’t care, or he was in for a hell of a story some day.
So let’s recap: In the span of a 25-minute car ride, this girl told me that she was divorced (not single), had unprotected sex with her ex-husband in an attempt to get pregnant (without telling him her motivation), then been raped by her cousin – who did so to convince her to get the “Morning After” pill in order to not get pregnant.
Will I ever meet anyone ever again that isn’t completely fucked up?
I don’t know. But maybe I’m paying for my sins.
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