Question: I’ve been with my current girlfriend for about 2 years now. We live together and to me everything has been going great. We have a family phone plan and I pay the bill so of course I have access to her phone records for obvious reasons. I noticed she has been calling this one number quite a bit this last statement. The other night I came home and she was on the phone, when I asked who she was talking to she said, “Her Aunt.” and then she became jumpy and nervous like she was guilty of something. I think she’s been talking to her ex. She was with him for about 4 years before me, but he was abusive to her and cheated on her all the time. Do you think she’s messing around with her ex? I don’t know when she could because she comes straight home after work and nothing seems out of the ordinary. Should I confront her about this?
Answer: Is she cheating on you? Probably not right now, but if you don’t do something to fix your current situation she may soon start. Women in relationships don’t actively pursue other guys to sleep with, however they will pursue voids they have in their current relationship. Does that make sense? You are not fulfilling 100% of your girlfriend’s needs, and so she is starting to look elsewhere to get those needs met.
This very thing happened with me and my ex, Michelle. (See Michelle – A Brand New Day) She would call her ex when she was angry/drunk with me. She wanted to get married and have kids someday, and I wasn’t going to that having already had a kid and paid out $125,000 in child support over 15 years. Funny thing was, she ended up back with him, married and they have yet to attempt to start a family. But anyway… back to you.
It sounds like the two of you have a communication problem. She’s looking for someone to talk to. She turned to her ex because they have a lot of history together. I doubt she wants him physically but he’s filling an emotional need for her because he understands her. She can talk to him and he will listen. You’re asking me if you should confront her, of course you should. You need to sit her down and explain that you’re the one she needs to come to with problems, you are there to listen to her. If you aren’t then she’ll find it somewhere else and your relationship won’t last. You sound like you have become comfortable in your relationship, however your girlfriend is still having issues. She’s probably dropping hints that something is wrong, you just haven’t been able to pick up on them because she hasn’t come out and directly told you. You need to recreate the spark that kept the two of you together for 2 years and work out the issues you currently have. Some of the things she has to say may hurt, so be prepared for what comes out. The most important part here is to not get upset. She’s telling you the problem. You can either get mad and storm off and the issue remains, or learn from it and work to fix it, making your relationship stronger then ever. Here’s how we’re going to do it.
Call her up or send her a text and tell her you have a special night planned together. This will get her thinking about you all day long. You have a lot of issues to talk about so you will need some place quiet and seclusive. In your case I would make her dinner at home. Pick up some flowers and wine and cook her a special meal. Dim the lights, set the table with flowers and candlelight. Play some light music in the background. Create a special night for her. Now when she asks what this is all about be honest with her. Tell her, “Baby I feel like we have lost our connection, we no longer have the spark we once had. When I look at you I can see that there are issues that are bothering you, I just want you to know I’m here and we can talk about it.” Now sit back and wait for it all to come out. Stay strong, if you care about this girl then you will listen to what she has to say, learn from it and move on. If not then things just weren’t meant to be. Best of luck to you.
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