Andrea – Clowning Around

I met this girl on tinder. She seemed cute enough and the conversation wasn’t as stale as the other matches I had so we decided to meet up over coffee.

The day of, I go to pick her up at her house. I knock on the door and she opens it.

She was, to say the least .. not really like her pictures. She was a little bigger and her face didn’t even look the same. I’m already disappointed but I’m already here and it would be rude to back out now. So she gets in my car and we start driving to Starbucks. On the way there, we talked in the car for a bit and it becomes apparent to me that she is an “XD RAWR so rand0m” type girl. But again .. I’m already here. .. (Yea, I don’t get it either)

We get to Starbucks and she gets me to order for her because “I just can’t handle that right now”. (ok …)

We sit down and I’m already counting the minutes until it wouldn’t be rude to call it a night. We start talking, well, I start talking. The most I can get out of her is yes, no or a slight laugh if I tell a joke. From talking to her like this, I find out she’s actually only 22, her profile said 27. Not a huge deal but I wouldn’t have gone out with her had I known that before. (Or would I…?)

Eventually I ask her what she does. IMMEDIATELY, in one breath she screams out I’MSOGLADYOUASKED I’M A PROFESSIONAL CLOWN WANNAHEARMYCLOWNLAUGH HHOOOOOOONNKKKK HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAHA.

I am mortified, the entire coffee shop turns to look and she is oblivious to it. Suddenly she is no longer this weird shy girl. She starts telling me all these stories about her clown adventures. This goes on for probably 8 minutes. Everyone around is looking and obviously listening in on it (not that they had much choice). She then tells me LOUDLY how her boss and one of her coworkers propositioned her for a three-way. She goes on to say, “Yeah I thought about it, but he’s 60 and I was 17 at the time so I decided not to. Plus we were doing a child’s birthday party at the time so it might not have been appropriate.”

As soon as she says that, a girl in the corner of the coffee shop lets out a stifled laugh. My date notices and goes beet red. I suggest maybe we should call it a night because I had an early meeting the next day. She saw through my lie but went with it. A few minutes later I realize tomorrow was Sunday. I drive her home, awkward silence follows for the 15 minute drive.

We arrive, I stay silent and don’t get out of the car. She sits there for a bit not saying anything. I go ” Soooo..”. What follows next is 100% true. She said this. I can’t ever forget it. She blurts out, “Wanna come inside and have clown sex while my cats watch?”

Yeah .. she said that. I stay silent for about 10 seconds because I don’t know what to say. I eventually say “I uhh, dont have any condoms, sorry”. She gets the message and leaves. I hightail it out of there and never spoke to her again.

 

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Author: phicklephilly

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