Met a girl. Petite, amazing body, beautiful smile, southern accent as she was from Louisiana, and bubbly personality. So happy to get this date. We plan a date to see a movie, just the two of us.
Go to her apartment, where she texts me on the way that it is now a double date and she then calls my cell to excitedly tell me all about her friend and friend’s boyfriend and how awesome they are and that they’re now coming. OK, I’m flexible, not a problem.
Get to apartment, they all get in my car. My date then informs me we are not going to see the movie we planned but going to dinner.
But then my date starts moaning in the front seat while her best friend explains she has IBS and that it’s flaring up tonight. As she is moaning in pain, she and her friend decide they want to go to Village Inn (Just like Denny’s but worse, seriously).
We get seated and my 102 lb, 5ft 1″date says she wants the “meat lovers skillet”. I gently and politely whisper into her ear and ask if that’s a great idea given that she sounded like a hyena in labor on the ride over. She gets really excited and says, “No, no, this is exactly what I need”. I inwardly roll my eyes and shake my head thinking “Ok…”
She eats the entire meat lovers skillet, like an NFL linebacker after a good lift workout, and within 30 minutes is back in worse pain than at the beginning of the date.
All four of us go back to her apartment to watch “Nacho Libre”. When we get there, there’s trash on her floor and the place smells like a wannabe hippie commune, complete with burning sandalwood incense to compete with the smell of rotting refuse.
She immediately darts into her bathroom and stays there for the next 2 hours, moaning in pain, farting, and having diarrhea.
Meanwhile, me and her friend, and friend’s boyfriend sit on the couch watching Nacho Libre. That is, until halfway through the movie, the boyfriend says “Hey man, I think this is a pullout couch DUDE!!!” The girlfriend responded incredulously, “Nah ugh, no way” as if her boyfriend had just discovered the cure for cancer. I look at them and say “Guys there’s three of us, why would we want to pull out the couch?” The boyfriend throws me this sarcastic look like “Bro, are you an idiot??”, and then demands we at least try it giving some cockamamie reason that escapes my mind at this time. I comply but inform them I’m sitting on the floor from now on. They pull the couch out, get really excited and hop underneath the covers, and within five minutes start making out heavily and doing who knows what else.
I’m grossed out and start walking out of the living room, behind the couch, going towards the closed-door of my dates bedroom. I gently knock to make sure my date is still in the bathroom, which is inside her bedroom, separated from her bedroom by a door also. As I’m knocking, her best friend violently pops her head out from underneath the covers, showing a LOT of skin and scowls at me “WHAT ARE YOU DOING??” I glare at her and retort, “Are you kidding me? You’re getting it on like Donkey Kong in front of me, a perfect stranger, and I’m trying to politely give you privacy, by going into another room.” She responds, “Yea well what if my friend was in her room naked? And then you walked in on her, huh?” I replied “That’s why I knocked. And besides, she’s puking and crapping her insides out the whole night, so I doubt that would even happen.”
There’s more to the story but yea, that was pretty bad. I’ll tell more in tomorrow’s post.
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