7 tips for women who stay with cheating husbands

7 tips for women who stay with cheating husbands

Here are my seven pieces of advice for women who find that their husband cheats, and who want to investigate if they can heal and remain in the relationship …

I wrote a blog entitled “6 Steps to Help Your Wife Recover from Your Affair.” One woman who commented on the blog offered up six of her own tips for women who find that their husbands cheat. The sound tips all reinforced her basic premise that, when wives discover infidelity, they should leave the relationship pronto!

However, despite the fact that many advocate leaving the relationship if your husband has cheated, it is not always the case that people do. In fact, at Relationup, an app that provides live relationship advice via chat, our statistics reveal that 65% of people who seek help with the topic of infidelity are women struggling with how to recover from their husband’s betrayal and stay in the relationship.

So, it seems that some married women are not eager to leave their relationships in the face of infidelity. This is especially true when their husbands are remorseful and appear motivated to not be unfaithful again in the future.

There are many reasons why people stay. Sometimes, wives want to keep the family together for the children. Others stay for financial reasons or due to the fear of being alone. It is not uncommon for wives who have been married for many years to believe it is short-sighted to leave without at least trying to repair things.

So, here are my six pieces of advice for women who find that their husbands cheat and want to investigate if they can heal and remain in the relationship.

1. Get support, support and more support!

Recovering from infidelity is a difficult thing. Your ego is bruised. You feel inadequate as a wife and as a woman. Your trust has been broken. Your partner feels like a stranger who has lied to you for many, many years. You don’t know what to believe about the past and, almost certainly, what to believe about the present. Are more lies being told? Will you be able to tell if they are?

As a result of this betrayal, you may also become hyper-vigilant and suspicious. Things become worrisome that once weren’t. You do a lot of snooping. You feel like you can no longer trust your inner voice. It once told you that everything was okay when, in fact, it wasn’t. The world no longer feels safe and secure.

Given the description above, it is not hard to imagine why it is necessary to get support for yourself during this process. It is a time of emotional upheaval and the more friends, family, support groups, books, articles and objective professionals that you have in your life, the better it will be for you.

2. Set a time for disclosure with your husband

Arrange for time(s) for you and your husband to sit down so you can ask any questions that you need to have answered about the history and scope of his behaviour.

You probably have so many questions. It is important to take time and think them all through. Some questions are about the details of the incident(s). When did this occur? What exactly happened? When and how did you meet? Where did you take the person?

Others are about checking whether the times when you felt in your gut that something was off were in fact due to his infidelity. You may want to know if something was going on when your husband left your family dinner early one night and went downtown to meet a colleague. Was he really on a business trip that weekend when the whole thing seemed strange to you and he denied that there was anything out of the ordinary?

The only way that you can fully recover from this betrayal is for your husband to be committed to stopping this behavior going forward and be willing to come clean and tell you everything you want to know. But it is important that you be in charge of determining what you need to know. For some, a lot of information is helpful. For others, it leads to rumination and intrusive memories. You must decide what is best for you. If you don’t know what is right, take it slowly. Remember, you can’t un-ring a bell.

Asking about details and history should not be a one-time occasion. Your husband should be willing to answer questions whenever you have them and over and over again.

3. Establish a rule with your husband that you are entitled to ask about his whereabouts and proof of them at any time

Although it is not healthy for you to make a full-time job of monitoring your husband (and won’t do any good as a way of controlling his behavior), there will be times when circumstances make you uncertain of his truthfulness. Maybe it is the tone of his voice or the strangeness of the plan.

On one hand, you could say nothing and just ‘see what happens’. Will your suspicions prove to be true? This strategy of waiting often makes wives feel powerless and results in them being preoccupied with their husbands’ behavior.

On the other hand, you could approach your husband and share your concerns and express your need for verification. You have probably had a history of pushing away suspicious thoughts and labeling them as ridiculous, or of just having no clue that something was going on. Often, to hide your suspicions feels like you are sticking your head in the sand.

Your husband has to understand that your trust has been shattered and the only way to rebuild it is to weather the incidents where red flags are raised, even if they’re nothing more than false alarms. This goes a long way towards recalibrating your nervous system till you realise you can feel uncomfortable but your husband can still be telling the truth. Trust will strengthen after a long string of these affirming incidents occur.

4. Require that your husband clean up his mess

Your husband needs to terminate contact with all people, sites, services and apps that are connected to his cheating behavior. Don’t hesitate to have him show you that he has completed his tasks or terminations. You can even ask him to end things in front of you.

5. You and your husband should both get tested for STDs

No matter what he says, your health has been placed at risk. Don’t only rely on just him getting tested. Get yourself tested for everything as well. It is often embarrassing to reveal your husband’s infidelity to your doctor. But you need to put yourself first and make taking care of yourself a priority.

6. Return to sexual intimacy slowly and gradually

Some women desire to reconnect with their husband and create security for themselves by being sexually intimate. Others feel so hurt and repulsed by what has gone on that they cannot fathom being sexual and are haunted by intrusive images of their husband with other women.

My best advice is for you to take time to see what is right for you. The most important thing is for you and your husband to rebuild your trust and connection and, sometimes, being physically intimate can interfere with the communication that needs to happen to slowly heal the wounds.

7. Seek out couples counselling if this feels like too much

You may find that, as a couple, you need help. Infidelity tears the fabric of the relationship and, sometimes, you need a mental health professional to guide you through the healing process. This is especially true when wives have experienced more than once occasion of discovering their husband’s infidelity. It is exponentially difficult in these situations for wives to believe that their husbands are remorseful, allow themselves to trust once more, and, later, find they’ve been duped again.

This is by no means a comprehensive list of all that needs to be done to heal from infidelity. It is just a start to get wives on the best track toward healing, should they want to stay in the relationship. That is the key. To stay means to find out if you are able to overcome the betrayal, to rediscover who your husband is and to reassess whether the relationship is right for you.

 

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Cherie – Chapter 37 – Four to Eight – Part Two

Cherie talked to her sister about bringing me to Thanksgiving. That’s a world away, but I want to go. Cherie says not the full family, because she doesn’t want to drive me away, but I’m fine with whatever. I love her and I’ll bite that apple and be glorious and charming. (As long as her retired Navy officer dad is cool with an older white guy loving his hot daughter)

I think he’ll be happy that she has chosen well and I’m good to her.

We leave Mix and walk back to the house.

We get to the bat cave and we go back to my bedroom. She notices that since the last time she was here she said she like Twix an York Peppermint Patties. I now have them in a little basket on her side of the bed.

Guys, It’s these little things you have to do to let your lady know you listen to her and love her. If there is a little thing she loves, Do it!

It’s a big deal to them. It’s a little bag of candy. It’s a coffee. Do it. Huge payoff. She’ll know you heard her and made a special trip to the store to please her. She may not even partake in the gift, but the fact that you heard her and made a special trip to the store to get her something she likes goes a long away.

That’s tiny romance, with a huge payoff, lads.

I got baby until tomorrow, so I’m taking my time. Hanging in bed with her, and chatting. I’m trying to be good, but I want her. But there is plenty of time. We’ve got all night. I’m just happy to be holding her and kissing her sweet lips.

I joke that she always says that because our time is so limited that she always ends up “nekkid on her back” I want to just hang with her for a bit and chat.

Cherie says that she wants me to take her jeans off and get down to business.

I’m always compliant.

And so is Cherie.

So magic ensues. It’s always amazing. That’s the only way I can describe it. I love her. I devour her. I am honored to worship at the temple of Cherie. She’s beautiful and perfect. There is no real perfection, But our machine runs like a Swiss watch made of flesh.

The window is open. My neighbors get the honor of hearing what it feels like to be alive and in absolute love. This is what real life sounds like. Go ahead. Turn a hose on us.

You all want this.

Everybody wants this ethereal magic. This celebration of the only possession we came into the world with that we choose to share with someone we love.

That’s it. When Joe Perry hits that screaming high note in “Train kept a Rollin’, That’s the moment.

Later, I’m laying back on my bed with my fresh royal blue sheets, and she is ripping into a Twix.

“So I’ll set the alarm for 6:30am tomorrow so we can get up maybe go again and then breakfast at Midtown Diner?”

“What?”

“Yea, we can fool around whenever you choose over the next 10 hours but I’ll get you fed ,and up and out in time for your train tomorrow morning.”

“When I said I had to be on an 8:30 train, I meant tonight.”

“Wait. What?”

“Oh my God. I feel like and asshole.”

“What?”

“I have to leave tonight. I have to be on a train at 8:30 tonight.”

“But usually when you come down you stay the night and you leave the next morning.”

“I know, and I know it’s been three weeks, but I know I could come down here on Sunday just to see for a few hours. That’s why I was wondering why you took me out for pizza. I thought you would just bring me home and fuck me.”

“Aww jeezuss honey. I thought we had all night so I wanted to feed you so you wouldn’t feel like you were just the nekkid girl always on your back lately with me. I know we love that and so do I, but I figured I had some time with you and we could at least share a meal together.”

“Oh… I’m so sorry, I feel like such an asshole.”

“No honey, it’s just a miscommunication. You didn’t know. Remember what we said about assuming? We make an ass of you and me.”

She almost looked like she was starting to cry.

I can’t have that with my beloved Cherie.

This is what makes her the girl I want to spend the rest of my life with.

(Yea, I fuckin’ said that.)

She’s lying naked in bed with me. This gorgeous delicious baby. I adore her and am sometimes dumbfounded that she would even be attracted to a middle-aged white dude that is on the precipice of greatness or failure. (Apparently I carry a bag of charm with me)

“Oh my God, I’m so stupid. I’m so stupid.”

“Honey it’s okay. It’s just a miscommunication. I understand. I just assumed you were staying the night because you said 8:30 train. I just assumed tomorrow morning like always.

“I have to get my kid off to school and then I have to go to school and work.”

She was visually upset. She was so disappointed in herself for failing me I could feel it. It was a visceral moment. It showed me that she felt her confused struggling life had leaked over into our life.

But it hadn’t. I wouldn’t have to take melatonin or sleep meds to sleep because she would pass out after our marathon lovemaking at 8:30pm and I would be wide until midnight. I wouldn’t be reading articles on the internet because I was so wired from our sex and just on a different schedule than this neuroscience major mom.

I reassured her I was fine with the misunderstanding. She was upset. She had felt like she had failed me.

I’ve never experienced this sort of heartfelt charity in a girlfriend.

She can never fail me, because I am so grateful this wonderful woman is in my life.

But she doesn’t understand.

I am so grateful that she has chosen to love me, she can do no wrong.

She sees it as a failure. She loves me and doesn’t want to disappoint me or fail me.

Cherie really loves me. I know it.

I continue to reassure and joke with her.

It’s really okay. I am honored I had the time with her that I had. I love her so much.

I love her more for her critical thinking and heartfelt response.

She’ll go home thinking she failed me, but she hasn’t. She’s actually made it stronger and better, because she cares for me so much she got so upset that she thought she had failed me.

Cherie can’t fail me. Like Michelle couldn’t fail me. I’ve never been angry with either of them.

I can never sustain anger for girl I really and truly love no matter what they do.

If you really love someone, sometimes mistakes just bring you closer.

Can’t wait to see her again to see “Pirates of the Caribbean 5 this weekend!

Ain’t love grand?

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, share, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am EST.

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