Often, fans want to commemorate seeing their rock gods by buying some merchandise — maybe a T-shirt or some rad collectible dishes. Really big fans hang out by the backstage, hoping they might get their hands on a guitar pick or a towel drained in frontman sweat. But the biggest of all fans won’t go home unless they get a plaster cast of their beloved musician’s penis. Meet Cynthia Albritton, aka Cynthia Plaster Caster, aka the “Super Groupie.” Cynthia spent the ’70s and ’80s making sure future generations would know how endowed the musical legends of the day were. (In the case of composer Clint Mansell: “very.”) She got her start after being given an assignment in art school to plaster cast “something hard,” which she interpreted as her art teacher telling her to go out and ask Jimi Hendrix if she could grab his dick.
After doggedly stalking Hendrix, she found herself invited up to his hotel room, at which point she pulled out her equipment, told him to stick it in, and made sure it stayed hard — a description which covers 99 percent of all rock star / groupie interactions. Being new to the taking-plaster-casts-of-musician-penises game, however, Cynthia made a mistake: She forgot to lube up Hendrix’s pubes, which led to an agonizing 15 minutes of his short and curlies getting yanked out of what must have felt like cooled adamantium. By the looks of it, maybe she didn’t forget to lube the base so much as run out of it by the time she got there.
Over the next few decades, Albritton would go onto plaster-cast members of bands such as MC5, Journey, the Kinks, the Beach Boys, the Lovin’ Spoonful, and the Dead Kennedy’s (Jello Biafra!). Then, in one of the most bizarre heists in history, Frank Zappa’s manager tried to steal her collection. Not because he wanted to protect Zappa’s choir-boy-like reputation, but because he wanted something interesting on his coffee table. And copies of his clients’ dicks definitely count.
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