California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Audrey – Polar Opposite

I went out for a going away party for a friend at the Rainbow Bar & Grill. There, I met some chick Audrey that a bunch of my friends know. We got pretty trashed, and had fun. Did shots. Danced. Did shots. Sang karaoke. Did jagerbombs. Chatted while smoking cigarettes on the patio. Did shots. Smoked a bowl on the patio. Drank beers. Did more shots. Really liked each other.

So we exchanged numbers before leaving, and said we’d go out next week. Now, 20 minutes after leaving I literally passed out and landed on my face, because I was fucking trashed. So I was in prime condition this night. This girl knew I liked to party. (As only young people can, and horrifies me now- how did I survive?!)

So, next week comes, and we line up a date. Since we don’t know each other super well, we’ll go to that same bar, where a bunch of mutual friends will be. We sit with them on the patio, and we chat. She’s cute. But, that’s all she has going for her. I find out we are absolute polar opposites. Her dad’s a preacher, and she loves Jesus, and she doesn’t like art, and she’s waiting for marriage, and she doesn’t like fishing, and hunting is cruelty, and the outdoors are icky, and I’m getting one word answers saying she doesn’t like anything I talk about, while she doesn’t even try to make conversation. It’s so awkward that our mutual friends are bailing, shifting further and further away from us, until there are only three of us left in our section and everyone else is on the other side of the patio.

After about 45 minutes, I decide I’m going to need like 8 more drinks to make it through this. I ask if she needs another drink, and go inside to the bar. While I’m waiting, I say, “nope, fuck it.” And I leave. I bail right out the back door. I don’t even care, I don’t say goodbye, I just leave. I stagger to a friend’s house, explain that I was on the shittiest date ever, and proceed to get blackout drunk.

Three days later, a mutual friend Kevin says, “Man, that date was pretty brutal, but it wasn’t right how she treated you.” “I know man, right?” “Yeah. I can’t believe you went to get her another drink, and she left before you got back. That was really shitty.”

That’s right. This date went so poorly we both bailed without telling the other person, and neither of us ever tried to contact the other one again!

I love it!

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