Marianna – Hindenburg

This happened five years ago. A mutual friend set us up. Our mutual friend was the Internet. A dating app (that was NOT Tinder..) to be specific. I figured why not? So we talked for a little bit and got to know each other. She seemed nice. She’s 24 and makes floral arrangements at Kroger which is not ambitious at all but to each their own. I don’t believe she had any education at all. But these are details I found out on our date.

So, through the school I came into a pair of tickets to a Phillies game. I figured why not invite the girl? Best case scenario you have fun and get to know each other. Worst case you just watch a baseball game. I invited her along and she accepted. She asked if I could pick her up (in a neighboring city) so I did. I didn’t realize what a mistake this was. After telling her twice when I would be there, I still had to wait 10 minutes in front of her parents house like an awkward idiot. When she finally came down though she looked like a radiant angel.

I’m just kidding. She was in jeans and a t-shirt. She was also larger than any of her profile photos. I’m absolutely willing to look past that, but deceiving people into taking you out is a bad way to start things off. So my expectations for this evening have already plummeted because tardiness and lying make me sad. But I’m resilient.

As we departed her parents house (reiterating that because I feel I need to) I start off with small talk hoping to somehow recover from what has already become a Hindenburg of a date. Thankfully, she’s absolutely horrible at conversation, making the 20 minute ride awkward. She mentioned that she smoked weed at one point which turned this into 10 Hindenburgs because now I know we’re not recovering from this and we’re not even at the game yet. (Not because I have an issue with weed, but because I prefer someone who is into running. Which she is clearly not.)

Every sentence she started would eventually trail off into silence. She never once finished a coherent thought. She was also extremely insecure and kept apologizing for being annoying, talking too much, being weird, etc. Trying desperately to make this less awkward I attempted to pick easy topics to talk about. Fruitless effort.

Eventually we got a parking spot a few blocks from the stadium and started walking. Well, I started walking. She did something that resembled a turkey in a rain storm, staring at the sky, mouth agape, slowly putting one foot in front of the other. Losing my patience but still trying to be a gentleman, I verbally prompt her to move along. She complies, slowly. After moving at the lightning pace of molasses, we get to the park, get through security, and start looking for our seats. They were pretty much on the opposite side of the park so there was more shuffling along slowly as she tried to remember how to behave like a human. 99% sure she was high. 100% sure I wanted a steel girder to fall on me to end this date/100 Hindenburgs.

Before we get to our seats, she had to use the restroom. Ok. I’ll wait right here. When she comes back out, she can’t find me. I just waited to see if she could. After 2.5 minutes of looking around, she found me in the last place she expected: exactly where I said I’d be. So we finally go sit down. I’m now chuckling to myself because this is exactly how everything goes in my life. So I got both of us a beer, hoping that would either keep conversation to a minimum, or at the very least make me a little happier. It did neither. But she did go to the bathroom two more times.

About an hour into the game it began raining. She suggested we leave. I agreed, hoping to go home. I stalled for 30-40 minutes talking to some friends I ran into. She went to the bathroom a 4th time. She then asks if we could leave to which I reluctantly agreed because these tickets were a gift and we’re basically wasting them. But whatever. We’ll leave.

We start walking back towards the parking lot when she asks if I want to get a drink somewhere. I agreed on the condition that it was 1 drink because I had to be up at 7 and it was already 10. So we stopped at the first bar.

My misery is now apparent. When she went to the bathroom a 5th time, the waitress came over and asked if everything was alright. I told her a truncated version of this tale of 1000 Hindenburgs and she laughed. Then felt bad for laughing. Then told other waitresses who did the same. So now I have an audience watching this spectacular failure of a date.

She came back and we each got a drink. I hurried through mine because I desperately wanted to leave. She did not. She rambled for quite some time about nonsense. When she finally finished her drink, I asked if she was ready to go. Then said I had to run to the restroom real quick. When I returned (no more than 120 seconds later) she had ordered another beer. At that moment I decided I was leaving her in Philly and going home alone.

But because I can’t actually be that mean, I sat down, clenched my teeth, and continually reminded her that I needed to leave. Despite this, she sat there rambling incoherently about politics while playing with her gum in her hand like a child. After 30 minute she finished her beverage, paid, went to the bathroom a 6th time, and we left.

You may be wondering why I was keeping track of bathroom breaks. At the time, I really wasn’t. But it occurred to me that she had gone a lot in 4 hours. She also had exceptionally bad breath. I’m pretty sure she was throwing up. Whether from anxiety or bulimia or something else, I do not know. But that was what her breath smelled like, bringing us to 10,000 Hindenburgs.

On the even slower stumble back to the car, she INSISTS we hold hands while she showers me in awkward compliments (“I love the way you move through a crowd”…what?). She then loudly blurts out “I want to make out with your face!” I politely decline and start walking faster, essentially dragging her behind me. She tries that line a few more time, and I keep insisting that’s not how I work on a first date.

Once we finally get to the car, I set a land speed record getting her home. I just turned the radio up to discourage her from talking. She, unable to read a single nonverbal cue, turns it down to talk. When I finally got her home to her parents house, she didn’t get out of the car immediately because why would she? Instead she asks, “so are we gonna make out now?” I again have to remind her that’s not going to happen. She settled for an awkward hug.

As soon as that door closed I sped away; a nonverbal that even Helen Keller would understand. But the next morning I have 5 texts from her saying what a good time she had and what not. So I waited 24 hours, said “glad one of us enjoyed it” and we haven’t spoken since. I feel like if I didn’t say something direct she would never take a hint. And my frustration was absolutely maxed out.

Certainly not as bad as some of the dates I’ve had over the years, but the fact that this atrocity went on for nearly 6 hours made it one of the absolute worst date of my life.


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Author: phicklephilly

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