A girl I’d been out with twice called me while sloshed and out at a bar, so I decided to meet up with her and do some bar-hopping. I had met her at one of our shows in Hollywood. I think I met her at Gazzari’s on Sunset.
Big mistake.
Things were fine at first, until we got to one bar and she found out that the guy sitting next to us was there because he’d gotten fired from his job. She stole his drink, slammed it herself, then yelled, ’You got fired because you’re such a pussy!’ and straight-up punched him in the face. This girl was maybe 110 pounds, and the guy was double that.
Punched. Him. In. The. Face.
“That was the first time I’d ever seen anyone get punched in a bar, and I was stunned. Honestly, we were all stunned. He looked at me furiously, and did that angry yell-whisper thing and said, ’Is this your fucking girlfriend?!’ to which I replied, ’Oh wow, absolutely not — and I’d like to take care of your bar tab and leave immediately, please’ which he graciously accepted in lieu of a fight or a police report. So I paid for his drinks and left to get a cab.
In the cab, I asked where she lived, because I’d never been to her place. Her address was apparently, ’By the fucking… by the fucking… by the whatever,’ because she had just moved and was so sloshed she had forgotten her new address. Then, apparently she decided that she lived somewhere near my genitals, because she grabbed them and then climbed on top of me in the cab and started making out with me. I didn’t really know what to do because the whole thing was so weird, and I thought telling her to stop would be even more difficult to deal with (I didn’t want to be punch number two) so I just kind of let her do it, which felt… odd.
Since she didn’t know her address and she was in no shape to be out by herself anymore, we went to my place. Upon arriving, she saw my cat, decided it was the dog from some movie, and started yelling, ’Binky!’ while chasing her around the house.
“I told her she could sleep on the couch, and she said no. So I said she could have the bed and I’d take the couch, and she said no to that, too. I told her that we definitely weren’t going to be sleeping in the same bed and suggested that she call her sister to get her address, and she finally agreed. However, she couldn’t work my old dial up land line, so I asked her sister’s name and flipped through the directory to find it, and then called the sister to get her address.
“We got a cab and started heading over to her sister’s place. At a random red light in the wrong neighborhood, she just opened the door and jumped out. No coat, and wearing high heels. I jumped out and yelled, “We’re 20 minutes from your place, get back in!” and ended up having to chase her down. I finally caught up to her and threw my jacket around her while we hailed another cab because the first driver just took off. We got another cab and I finally (finally!) got her to her sister’s house.
“When I dropped her off she said, ’I’ve had a great time tonight!’ and kissed me, then went inside.”
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