Should I talk to my ex? Deciding whether or not to talk to your ex is a hard choice. You don’t necessarily want to just cut this person out of your life so abruptly. But, you also don’t want to maintain the relationship you had. There is a reason you broke up in the first place.
But, there are a lot of things to consider when deciding whether or not you should talk to your ex. And ultimately, the decision is yours.
So, is it beneficial to talk to your ex? Is it worth the trouble? Is it a positive addition to your life or will it make things harder for you? These are just some of the things to consider when you ask yourself, should I talk to my ex?
Should I talk to my ex now?
First things first, you do not need to make this decision right now. Whether you just broke up or it has been a while, you can think about it. You do not need to respond to a text or decide this right now. As I said, you have a lot to consider here, take your time.
From my experience, if you rush this decision, one way or another, it is not easy to back out later.
Should I talk to my ex?
Now that it has come time for you to consider whether or not to talk to your ex, balance the pros and cons. Think about what talking to them would add to your life, if anything.
Did you break up mutually and you’re on good terms? Or do you still hold resentment towards each other? Read on to help yourself answer the questions, should I talk to my ex?
#1 Did you just break up? If you and your ex just recently ended things, it is best to take a break for a while. Sure, if you need to talk to move out or get your stuff back, but otherwise taking time away from each other will help you move on.
If you talk too soon after a break up, you won’t get that ending. You don’t get to feel that loss or mourn the relationship. You need some time to not see them or talk to them before considering talking again. [Read: 13 essentials you need to move on from heartbreak]
#2 Do you share friends? This is a big one. If not talking to your ex messes with your friends, it may be best to swallow any resentment or bitterness and be cordial. This does not mean you need to text each other or keep up with the latest, but it does mean you will probably need to be okay sharing small talk with the group.
Again, you don’t need to force yourself to do this if it makes you uncomfortable,but if you can put aside the residual relationship problems while you’re with friends, everyone will be better off.
#3 Work together? Working together is just as important as sharing friends, if not more so. Neither one of you wants to put your job at risk because you ended your outside relationship. So, don’t.
If you can work together on the most professional level, wonderful. Walking past their desk or bumping into them in the copy room should be a piece of cake. But, if you work closely together or one of you is the other’s superior you may need to go to human resources to make things easier for both you and anyone else affected.
#4 Do you need closure? If you aren’t considering talking to your ex in the long run, but need to in order to hurdle the end of your relationship, then by all means, do it. My advice though is to be upfront about what you want out of that talk.
If you are meeting with your ex, don’t be misleading about it. When making the plan let them know you need to get closure and talk out anything you may not have before the breakup. You can both be mature and calm about it. I know it may not seem that way, but you can.
#5 Does one of you want to get back together? If either you or your ex is looking to start things up again, talking may not be the best idea. Sure, you can talk to let them know you’re not interested in that, but try to hold back on deep conversation.
These sorts of talks with your ex seem polite and friendly at first but can get messy very quickly if you are not careful.
#6 Do you get along? You may think that you get along because you dated them for so many months or years but really think about this. Many relationships thrive off of passion rather than friendship or communication. If you don’t get along in the most basic of situations, talking to your ex is not going to go over well.
For example, I have an ex I never talk to. We ran into each other once after the breakup. It was clear we just didn’t get one another outside of the walls of a relationship. But, I have another ex where we can bond over tons of topics. We can sit and talk about anything, just as friends.
You do not want to talk to an ex that will make the talking hard for you.
#7 Are they respectful of you moving on? Whether you need to move on from your ex or move on with someone else, talking to your ex is only worth it if they can be respectful of your privacy. If they feel the need to know your current dating situation or feel the need to judge you for it, it is just not worth it.
It may seem rude to cut your ex out of your life, but if they don’t add to it, why bother with them? And remember, the same goes for you. You may want to talk to your ex, but if you will have a hard time dealing with them moving on, just don’t.
#8 Do you want to be friends? Often times, people talk with their ex for a bunch of reasons that do not include actually wanting to be friends with them. They want to be nice or cordial or mature, but none of that is really necessary.
If you do not want to be friends with your ex, you do not have to be, it is as simple as that.
#9 Is this for them or for you? I am not claiming to know anything about your relationship or why it ended, but no matter the terms, only talk to your ex if it is beneficial to you and your life. You may feel bad that you hurt them so you want to make things easier for them by talking regularly.
You may like their family or just want to gradually slow things down. The thing is, any reason for talking to your ex that isn’t for you and your well-being or happiness will make things harder than they have to be.
#10 Do you trust them? If you are just talking in passing hallways, trust isn’t that big of a deal.But, if you are considering talking to your ex on a regular basis, about anything more important than the weather, you need to trust them.
Talking to a liar or someone you cannot trust not only lessens the friendship, but it also makes you lose trust in yourself. No matter who your ex is to you now, having someone in your life that you do not trust is toxic.
#11 Is it worth the potential drama? Is your ex stable? During your relationship, were your fights calm and collected? Or did they lose it? If this person was fine with yelling at you or losing their temper or talking to people in your life behind your back before, they will continue to do so.
Is that drama and headache worth it? Is your friendship with your ex really so important that you will continue to put up with the stuff you probably ended the relationship for?
#12 Is there already drama? Think about right now. Are you considering talking to your ex because they are reaching out? Are they claiming you are mean, cruel, or cold-hearted because you won’t respond to them?
You may think it would be easier just to answer, but in fact, that is what they want. They want a rise out of you. If someone is already harassing you and you aren’t entertaining them, things will only get worse if you do.
#13 Why did you break up? Did you break up because you grew apart? Did one of you take a job offer far away? Did one of you cheat? Think about the true reason things ended. If it was mutual and you would both benefit from continuing to talk, then go for it.
But, if things ended because your relationship was dysfunctional or poisonous to your mental, physical, or emotional health, do not talk to your ex.
#14 Were you friends before you dated? If you started out as friends before they became your ex, you may be able to get back to that state now. You can bond over what you did before things got romantic. Just remember, you have a history now and if you can’t overcome that, things will likely get messy.
Having access to your ex regularly almost always ends badly or regrettably, but if you can find common platonic groups to focus on, talking to your ex could actually be nice.
#15 Why do you need to talk? Ask yourself why you are even considering talking to your ex. Do you miss them and need closure? Do you want your favorite DVD back? Think about the reason why you ask yourself this question. Is it reasonable and rational for you to talk to your ex, or is it something else?
Considering all of these possibilities, is it worth it for you to talk to your ex? In almost every case when I have asked myself, should I talk to my ex, the answer was no.
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