I have one day to sort out this mess. A predicament that most men would leap at, but I’m scared. It’s wrong, right? Twenty-four-year-old, super hot, Persian girl wants me to pleasure her orally and I’m having second thoughts. Am I insane? I should have just thrown her onto the sink in the back of the salon and went to town.
But I’m a gentleman, and even though sex has always just come to me, I’ve always been cautious. Because when you love something so much, you need to be careful with it. I’ve always been who I am and apparently, sex hits my windshield like a stray deer. That’s been my life. Whether I had a guitar in my hands or a pen. I’m just that guy.
Unlike most men, I’ve never pursued sex. I love romance. Dinners. Holding hands and stolen kisses have always been my forte. I’m a great date. A shitty husband, but a great dad and a damn good date.
But beyond that, I want to be alone. I want to be amazing to you ladies on an occasional basis.
I have to figure out this crazy proposal and there is only one guy I can go to regarding this kind of madness.
Johnny R. He’s my beloved friend who is turning forty this year.
Johnny loves cigarettes, Budweiser, Adderal, cocaine, strippers, hookers, and gambling. So he’s the immoral friend I should call during this crisis.
“Dude. So I ate out Kita in the gym.”
“I’m so proud of you. That little slope owed you.”
“Yea, it was amazing. She’s adorbs.”
“I hate when you use abbreviations.”
“I know, but she is like… delish.”
“There you go again.”
“So I went down on Kita, and some chick from a store across the street saw me and now she’s pulling some extortion shit on me.”
“What are you talking about?”
“I went down on Kita in the gym and a chick from Guess across the street saw us and now she’s making trouble.”
“Oh fuck, dude. That’s bad. Are we talking exposure? Cops? The media?”
“Well, apparently. But not if I do what she wants.
Dude. This is horrible. What does she want?” Money?”
Umm. No. She wants me to eat her pussy like I did Kita.”
The phone fell silent.
“Dude. Are you fucking insane? She’s a Persian girl with a freight car full of emotional and religious baggage. She can’t do anything and she wants you to swab out her box?
“She’s saving her virginity for Raheem or whatever, but you have the opportunity to please her like no one ever has before! Remember the Indian chick I slammed in New York on the back of a dumpster who was a virgin before her wedding?”
“You make an important point there, Johnny.”
“She’s not blackmailing you. She’s seen an opportunity for sex and she wants it really bad.”
“Really? It all just seems weird to me. Because all of my stuff is always pretty normal now.”
“Just lean in and do what you’re great at. What’s the worst thing that could happen?”
“I get fired and she files a rape charge and I go to jail.”
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