The 5 Most Important Things To Know About Someone Before You Start Dating Them

Don’t be scared to ask the tough questions …

Most of us go into first dates hoping for the best, which means hoping this person will be “the one” we fall deeply in love with and who will end our lonely single days forever.

With that hope comes an eagerness that’s may be tempered by reluctance to pose some of the most important questions to ask someone when you’re getting to know them.

The reason we don’t ask these questions is because we often don’t want to know the answers, but it’s important to know a few basic facts about someone before you commit to spending more time dating and possibly developing a relationship.

Without knowing the facts, you could miss some serious red flags and waste a huge amount of time in your search to find true love. And we don’t want that.

Here are the five most important questions to ask on (or even before) first dates when getting to know someone new.

1. Are you married or in a relationship?

Seriously, you say, you need to ask that question? My answer is a resounding yes!

You would be amazed at how many married people out there want to date other people. Some of them are in open marriages and some of them just want to cheat and find someone they can fool around with. Either way, you want to know the answer.

If the answer is yes, you need to decide if you want to be involved with a married or otherwise committed person. Being involved with someone who is married or in a long-term relationship brings with it a multitude of issues, most notably making it very difficult for you to find your one and only, no matter what they say to try convincing you otherwise.

And that is the goal, right — finding the one? If so, you may want to move on.

If the answer is no, you can go to the next question.

2. How long have you been single?

Once you know they are single, it’s important to know how long they have been single.

As a general rule of thumb, we experts recommend you not date someone who has been divorced within the last two years. Divorce wreaks havoc that regular break ups do not and the recovery period may be longer. A newly divorced person just won’t be ready for you, in spite of what they might think.

If your potential partner has just gone through a non-marriage breakup that could also be a red flag. Someone who is newly out of a relationship could be, consciously or unconsciously, looking for a rebound relationship. You do not want to be the rebound person.

Ideally, your prospective mate would be someone who has been single for a solid period of time, not just because they’ll have had time to recover from the breakup itself, but because it’s more likely that they’ll no longer feel attached to the person they broke up with.

Nobody wants to date someone who is still holding a torch for someone else.

3. Are you employed?

One of the first questions many people ask when they meet someone new is, “What do you do?”

It’s what Americans do, and it can be a tough question to answer, especially in this day and age when many people do a variety of things at once.

A more important question to ask when getting to know someone is, “Are you currently working?”

You want to know if they are financially and emotionally secure. No one wants to get involved with someone who can’t carry their own weight financially. And people who are unemployed are often in a delicate position emotionally.

They could be actively seeking work and unable to find any. They could be thinking that the work out there is below them and refuse to compromise. They could have had issues at an old job that continue on into new jobs.

All of these situations could lead to insecurity and low self-esteem. Insecurity and low self-esteem are not things that lend themselves well to healthy relationships.

And don’t think that you can fix them because you can’t.

4. Do you get along with your family?

Family forms our fundamental relationships, so how it’s important to know how someone interacts with their family if you’re thinking about dating them.

If your date talks about the close relationship they have with their siblings and says their mother drives them nuts but they talk to her every Sunday, then you know that this person is capable of a healthy emotional connection.

If your date talks about the family that lives across the country who they haven’t seen in years, then it’s possible deep emotional connections might be more difficult for them.

The basic human connections we make as children influence who we are as grown-ups.

Someone who has a rough relationship with their family could be tough to truly connect with. So, ask the question and listen carefully to the answer.

5. Do you have kids?

This one is so important because kids change everything.

Kids can, more than any other single thing, affect a relationship because kids are, more often than not, the priority. They will be made the priority above you every single time. Every single time.

And maybe that’s okay with you. Maybe you have kids, too, and understand this, or maybe you are willing to make their kids your priority as well.

But maybe it’s not okay with you. Maybe you want to always be first, or maybe you aren’t ready to have kids. And that’s okay, too.

But ask the question, because kids always will, and always should, come first, no matter what you might tell yourself going in.

Dating is time-consuming and emotionally fraught under the best circumstances.

You don’t want to waste even one minute on someone who raises red flags. Red flags should be noted and acted on.

Ask these questions and get your answers early so you can decide whether you want to fish or cut bait right away.

There are other fish in the sea, fish who might be better for you — and tastier.

 

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Guy Stops Drinking Alcohol, Shows How Much Sobriety Changed Him In 3 Years

I LOVE this guy!

Giving up your vices and guilty pleasures can lead to a happier and healthier life that’s full of purpose. Even though you might not see the changes day-to-day when you give up drinking alcohol, they’re very apparent to others. One of the things that can keep you motivated is documenting the changes and looking at the photos side by side.

Well, one man has made the phrase ‘one day at a time’ fit both his fight with alcoholism and documenting his journey through sobriety. These last three years, Kenny D. has taken snaps of how he looked when he quit alcohol at key stages in his journey of sobriety. The changes within the first month are already huge and he is almost unrecognizable in the final pictures.

“I took a picture of myself the day I got my first sobriety coin, 24 hours sober. I felt so ill and I looked so bad, I wanted to remember it so I wouldn’t forget. The day I got my 30-day coin, I thought my look had changed drastically so I took another selfie,” Kenny told Bored Panda, talking about the Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) sobriety coins given to alcoholics who stay sober for a certain amount of time.

Scroll down for Bored Panda’s full and exclusive in-depth interview with Kenny who got back his life, regained his health, and discovered new depths in his character by giving up drinking. For more powerful Bored Panda posts about sobriety and how much people change when they give up alcohol or drugs, check out these articles here, here, here, and here.

Kenny went sober three years ago. When he took his first photo, he was feeling awful

“I liked showing my family and friends the side-by-side of 24 hours and 30 days to show the change,” Kenny said. “Of course, they were skeptical because I had spent the last several years terrorizing my family and friends while I was drunk. So I kept them to myself mostly for the first year, but I always took a selfie every time I got a coin. On my one-year anniversary, I took my picture and posted a side by side on Reddit and called it the Progression of Sobriety. I thought it would just be something uplifting for people to see, I had no idea I would get the kind of response that I did. The post was flooded with comments from people asking me about alcoholism and how I stopped drinking. Asking how they can stop or how to help their own friends or family stop. And a ton of good positive kudos and congrats for my transformation. So after the first year, I felt like I’d make it a bit of a tradition to post my progress on my Sobriety birthday on November 2. I also keep with the tradition of taking it in my bathroom just for continuity. Year two was last year and this year was year three.”

Barely a month later, he was looking and feeling much better

Kenny revealed how much of a problem drinking became for him, as well as how it brought him to the edge. “I started drinking in college. But it didn’t become a real problem until about 10 years ago. I began drinking often and always to excess. I discovered at one point that I could not control the amount I drank once I had taken the first drink. I could not drink without getting drunk. So I decided to quit. I would last a few days, a few weeks, a few months, one time for a year. Always with relapses in between. By 2016, I had gotten to the point that I would get drunk every day. I drank 12–24 drinks a day and I was blacking out 3–4 times a week. I knew I had a problem but I didn’t know what to do. I used to stand in the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and wish I wasn’t a drunk. I would wonder how I got this way. Sometimes I was just indifferent to whether I lived or died. I just wanted it to be over and I didn’t care how,” he explained the pit of despair he was in just several years ago.

Kenny kept up being sober with the help of the 12 step program, loved ones, and AA members

“The last time I drank, I had a week of vacation and I had bought myself a case of beer and was going to ration it for the week. 3–4 beers a night,” Kenny went into detail about how he finally got sober. “The first night after I put my son to bed, I opened my first beer. That was at 8 p.m. By 11 p.m., I had drunk 19 beers. Something inside me said, ‘Kenny, your life is no longer manageable.’”

He also fixed his diet and started exercising

“A friend of mine had gotten sober a year before and I did the only thing I could think to do. I reached out for help. I texted her and told her I had a problem and I needed help. The next morning, she picked me up and drove me to my first 12-step meeting and I’ve been sober ever since.”

Kenny took a photo every time he got a new AA sobriety chip

Kenny was also very open about the greatest challenges that he faced after he got sober three years ago. “My greatest challenge was the working of the 12 steps. 12 step recovery is a complete overhaul of your life. It is a fact-finding and fact-facing process. It caused me to face how I felt about other people and to clean up the mess I had made in my life while I was drinking. All I wanted to do was to stop drinking and to get my life back. I had no idea that I would get a whole new life that was full of more joy, happiness, and freedom than I could have possibly imagined.”

The man was completely open about how much drinking alcohol affected him

He continued: “The biggest difference between myself now and three years ago is that today I live my life by a set of spiritual principles. From morning to night, I run all of my decisions through a sort of spiritual filter. I do my best to not be resentful or spiteful or angry, though I am human and I have a tendency to forget sometimes. I’m not a saint. If I have a problem that I can’t tackle with stuff in my normal spiritual toolkit, I get on the phone to my sponsor or another alcoholic-in-recovery.”

Previously, Kenny couldn’t control himself when it came to alcohol

“There is always somebody around to help, I just have to reach out. The most difficult part about living with such success in sobriety for me is avoiding what they call ‘resting on your laurels.’ Getting complacent and going back to my old way of doing things. I get over it by going to lots of meetings as often as I can, working with other alcoholics, and practicing the spiritual principles in all of my affairs.”

Kenny used to drink 12-24 drinks each night…

“In my personal life, I’ve become an avid reader, I love to learn new things and read nonfiction and biographies. I’ve recently begun painting and that has opened up a whole new part of my brain that I didn’t know existed,” Kenny said about his newfound passions.

…and he used to lose consciousness three or four nights each week while drinking

“And as you can see from the pictures, I’ve lost 75 pounds (34 kilograms) since I got sober. I eat much cleaner and I exercise now. My favorite form of exercise is DDP Yoga. Awesome program and it completely changed my whole perspective on exercise and healthy living. Three years into sobriety, every day is an awesome day and I can’t wait to experience the next awesome thing or meet the next awesome person whom I can learn something from.”

Kenny was officially three years sober on November 2

People were very supportive of Kenny’s journey

                                                    You look fantastic, man!
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Amelia – Chapter 4 – Double Agent

It’s Monday and we’re busy as hell. I’m cranking the counter at the salon and Amelia is running around cleaning beds.

Tis the season at the salon. We are in full swing and Amelia is stepping up to the challenge.

April through July is insane in here and that’s why she’s here. I’m grateful and we’re working well as a team.

New people are signing up and the regulars are rolling in. It is non-stop mayhem. This is the busy season. I’m so happy to have Amelia here now. She’s great as I’ve written before. But she’s on top of the cleaning and the laundry. She’s what I need. I must keep the customer service up.

Waves of clients come in to tan. We get hit with three waves of people. Non-stop tanning. We feel the urgency and it makes us want to tan ourselves.

We agree that when this crazy night ends we’re going tanning, which is fun.

I have been a die-hard slave to this place for two years and haven’t tanned in two months.

I hired Amelia and Eileen. Part of their deal is they get to tan for free as long as they’re employed. Both girls have jumped on the tanning wagon. I realized I couldn’t be the pale old white guy and dove into tanning with great vigor.

I started tanning like a maniac and love the results. I’m getting brown as a penny, and I’m even using a sticker to track my progress.

I hope Cherie appreciates the white heart on my pubic mound. Because that’s where it is.

Yea, I did that. A sweet white heart above my angry cock, but we are talking about my 24 year old co-worker so lets tap the brakes on tanning.

I really like working with Nicole. I actually like her better than Eileen. She’s older, and more mature and just so much greater depth that her teenage counterpart.

Plus, I spend more days with Nicole and I just like her better. I feel I can be honest with her the more I know her.

Amelia wants to start dating again.

She’s new to the city and lives in a studio with her cat. (Not good. As we know at phicklephilly!)

But if you’ve followed her series, she’s great and there’s so much hope and growth here.

She gives me a great reveal during our conversations.

“So you’re back on Bumble. That’s good.”

“I matched with this person but she seems like high maintenance.”

“You like Garret but…”

“What happened to your last relationship?”

“She didn’t trust me.”

“Wait. What?”

“I’m bisexual.”

“So is my sort of girlfriend.”

“Cool. Yea she fucked me over. We were together two years and have been split for nine months.”

“I’m sorry. So you’re even on both buckets. Your next love could be a guy or a girl?

“Yes.”

“Does your family know?”

“No.”

8th child in an Irish Catholic family based in central Pennsylvania.

Here’s a lovely girl that I absolutely adore. I love working with her. I love her work ethic in all that she does. I love her honesty and integrity.

I’m fascinated by the blessing that’s come upon our salon with these two wonderful women.

As much as I love Eileen as my hire and her savvy on the computer and her obvious beauty, I love Amelia more.

We’ve had some intimate conversations. I told her things about me. (No idea why but kind of love it.)

She told me she’s bisexual.

I instantly loved that.

Amelia is such a great employee and a wonderful person. We spoke about this at length and I’m glad she trusted me enough to confide.

I wish I knew more people like Amelia.

An elegant woman who was completely okay with her sexuality and able to love everyone.

I’m fascinated by her but do not look upon her as an oddity. A beautiful woman, born into a family of ten. They all have dark hair and baby daughter Amelia is blonde and blue-eyed.

And she’s kind of gay.

We’re all kind of gay. We just refuse to accept it.

But our Amelia has decided to tell me about her journey and I’m honored that she trusts me enough to tell her story.

I’d never do anything to hurt her or her reputation. (I’ve already told her some crazy gay shit from my childhood and she may even hook me up with a hot, passable TS)

A blog post I will celebrate on every social media site!

That’ll be amazing.

But after all of this… We went to Square 1682.

Church was there. He’s on point with burgers and insane drink recommendations. (See: Church – Brand Ambassador)

Amelia had a Sazerac and sipped a bit of it and I got her calamari.

I plowed three Chardonnays with ice like I always do and my favorite bartender Roman was on point. (See: Roman – Rock n Roll Bartender)

The night was good and its good for Church to talk to real girls. That’s all I bring. Fresh, nice girls that are fun to talk to. Church needs the practice .

Amelia’s cocktail, calamari, and my 3 Chardonnays all equal to $12 bucks. Total hookup.

I send Amelia home and tell her I got it because it’s all free. She loves this and for the first time feels the power that is the CHAZ.

We were in the salon tonight and she’s already talking about making a date for Gran Cafe La Aquila for the gelato.

Amelia wants this.

I know so much more about Amelia now. She’s equal for boys and girls. I look forward to more adventures.

It seems insane but phicklephilly writes itself…

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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