Kindness Is a Leg Opener

Why romantic gestures will get you nowhere.

I have to begin with a confession. I’m a hardcore romantic. Always have been. I’ve always been a fan of and practiced romance. I probably always will. But I’ve learned a few things along the way.

Here are a few on the list of typical romantic ideas:

  • Swanky weekend getaway
  • Candlelit dinner
  • Picnic in the park
  • Fireside wine n cheese
  • Love notes on the bathroom mirror
  • Surprise gold pass movie night at home
  • Tickets to her favorite show and a surprise hotel visit


I’ve done them all, and then some. But guess what, if your relationship is in any kind of trouble, these little and not so little activities will get you nowhere. In fact, they will probably make things worse.

Romance works best when your relationship is in a good place. In contrast, romance that is designed to ‘fix’ things, is a bad idea. Here’s why.

When a woman knows your relationship is in a not so good place, and you respond with a romantic gesture, like taking her away for a weekend, she starts to question your motivation and your agenda. Now that’s not to say you shouldn’t do it, but more to say, do it for the right reasons.

If you think a romantic gesture is going to cover your poor communication skills, think again. If you think it is going to make her feel all touchy feely toward you, after you haven’t touched each other for 3 months, think again. If you think it is going to make her forget that you had an affair with her best friend, guess what?!

Romance doesn’t fix things. Romance doesn’t fix anything. Romance enhances an already positive relationship.

So many guys think that if they only could get her away for a ‘nice’ weekend, take her out for an expensive dinner, buy her some nice lingerie, or smother her with chocolates and flowers, then everything will be fine. Women aren’t silly. They see right through that bs.

If you want to do something positive for your relationship, start by not being an asshole when you get home from work. Start by not snapping at the kids for being too loud. Start by taking out the garbage on Monday night, like you said you would do.

Consistency of actions is what she needs to see and experience the most. If you’re a romantic like me, don’t stop, but do start being the man she needs on a daily basis. She doesn’t need flowers. She doesn’t need a 3 hatted dinner. She doesn’t need a weekend away.

She does need your reliability. She does need you to be the man. She does need you to show some leadership with your family. She does need you to keep your word. She does need you to pay attention to what needs to be done around the house. She does need you to work on your own shit.  And yes, she does need you to notice her, cherish her, believe in her, and show her that you care. But don’t substitute romance for the daily practice of being her man.

Romance is a beautiful thing when it’s done right. You don’t have to be a Romeo. You don’t have to think up extravagant ideas. You don’t have to be like someone else if that’s not your bag.

Make an effort for sure. Treat her to something special a little more than once a year when you know it’s the “right thing to do” on her birthday. But more than that, practice becoming the man she needs ⁠— the one she can trust and rely on, the one she knows has her back, the one who does what he says he is going to do, and the one who is consistent in his words and actions.

Do that stuff first, then get romantic. You will be surprised at the difference. As my wife says … “kindness is a leg opener”.

And kindness is free. How romantic.


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Author: phicklephilly

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2 thoughts on “Kindness Is a Leg Opener”

  1. Ain’t that the truth! My first husband lavished me with gifts, took me out to a nice dinner and at the end of it told me he wanted to leave. I asked him why he went to so much trouble to be nice and he said his friend pressured him into doing something nice for the occasion and he didn’t want to look bad. I’m a thrower and I did make a scene.

    1. You had me at: “I’m a thrower.”
      I once lavished a lady with gifts around 20 years ago when I lived in New Jersey. She was bi-polar, cheated on me and left. So I get it. I may be writing a series in the near future about my adventures back then. I want to call it: Dirty Jersey. Or simply, Dirty Jerz.

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