Take It From Him: 4 Compliments That Guys Take As Insults

Men can be remarkably thin-skinned. Sometimes even a compliment will send us reeling. We think things through too much (which might not ring true with what you think of guys, but stay with me here). Even the nicest thing can be misconstrued as an attack on our manhood and genitalia, which are inextricably linked, and we’ll retire to hours of crying on the couch while drinking and watching football, thinking about the horrible, horrible things that you’ve said.

Well, maybe not to that extreme. I can promise you that we will drink and watch football though. Here’s a look at some common compliments that guys will often take as insults.

1. “You’re not like my old boyfriend.” It doesn’t matter if your last boyfriend was Jeffrey Dahmer, guys just hear this compliment as “I was interested in this other guy, but now you’re here.” The more specific you get with the compliment, the more our little self-conscious minds will read into it. Especially avoid any sexual comparisons—even if you say something nice, we’ll wonder why the hell you brought it up in the first place. Never compare our anatomy (out loud, anyways). If you haven’t figured it out by now, men are overly sensitive about their private parts.

2. “You’re so sensitive.” Guys don’t want to be thought of as sensitive, especially, ironically, the sensitive guys. We want to be tough badasses. We want to be Patrick Swayze in “Road House,” not Patrick Swayze in “Ghost.” If you call us sensitive, we’re just going to cry about it. Try tempering the compliment with this instead: “Oh, you’re really sensitive underneath that rugged exterior and those strong arms that could probably disembowel a man in about two seconds if given the chance! I’m really sexually attracted to you.”

3. “You’re very thin.” This seems backhanded to guys. We don’t want to be thin; we want to be big, rippling, bulging sacks of muscle and grit, regardless of how unappealing that might seem. We don’t want to be a stick. Even if you’re just trying to tell us that we look pretty good with our shirts off, it’s better to say that we’re “fit.” That way, we can look in the mirror after you leave the room and try to look at our scrawny biceps and think about how we could conceivably make a play for the UFC featherweight title.

4. “I enjoy sex with you, even if I don’t have a big O.” Guys are incapable of believing that sex can be good without that O moment. It’s how we approach sex, as a means to an end, and most guys can’t get it through their heads that sex is fulfilling by itself for many women. If you’ve had great sex, but you didn’t get there, just don’t bring it up. Guys won’t read into it unless you call attention to what they’ll see as a “lack of satisfaction.” And by the way, I apologize for our lack of biological knowledge. We’re really trying. Really.

What compliments have you given guys that backfired? Post below.

 

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How to tell if your boyfriend is cheating: 10 signs most women miss

It’s thought that around one in three couples are affected by cheating. That’s a lot of people.

Many of us have been cheated on, or suspected we have been. We all have friends who’ve been cheated on and we’ve helped them mend their broken hearts.

Cheating is so common that everyone knows the hurt it can cause. It’s a scary thing to think about, but if it’s going to happen to you, it’s better that you know about it so you can take action.

In this article, I’ll take you through 10 key signs that your boyfriend might be cheating on you. You should never assume that because your boyfriend is doing one or two of the things on this list that he’s cheating. Even if he’s doing more than two of them, there might still be another explanation.

It isn’t always easy to tell. Most of the tell-tale signs of cheating can have completely innocent explanations.

It’s still important to make sure you’re aware of signs of potential cheating. Use this list to guide you and if you think you have reason to be suspicious, just keep watching and waiting. He’s sure to trip himself up at some point, and you’ll be ready.

1. A change in phone habits

Smartphones mean it’s easier to cheat, but it’s also easier to catch people cheating. A change in their way your boyfriend uses his phone is a big giveaway that he might be cheating.

If your boyfriend is suddenly on his phone much more than usual, he might just be engrossed in a game or busy on work emails.

Ask him casually why he always seems to have it in his hand. His reaction will tell you a lot about whether he might be cheating or not.

If he’s secretive with his phone when he never has been before, that’s also a really clear signal that something’s up.

According to counselor and therapist, Dr. Tracey Phillips, hiding things from you on their phone may be a sign of cheating:

“They could be trying to avoid receiving any questionable calls or texts in your presence.”

If he used to happily leave it lying around in the living room, but now puts it in his pocket wherever he goes, you should wonder why.

Also, look for him turning the screen away when you’re nearby or not wanting to charge it overnight by the bed.

These things too could have completely reasonable explanations. He might be turning the screen away because he’s planning a surprise for you, for example.

But be aware of changes and keep an eye out for patterns.

2. Less or more sex

If your boyfriend’s having sex with another person, he’ll probably change the way he has sex with you.

Some men will end up not wanting sex with you if they’re cheating. They might even feel as if having sex with you is ‘cheating’ on the other person.

Or they might just have lost interest because there’s someone else on their mind. If he stops initiating and starts to avoid situations when you might initiate (like early nights) then think about why.

Other men will want sex much more when they’re cheating. Having sex more means it’s on their mind, whoever they’re with.

Sex expert Robert Weiss explains why:

“Both decreased and increased levels of sexual activity in your relationship can be a sign of infidelity. Less sex occurs because your partner is focused on someone else; more sex occurs because they are trying to cover that up.”

They might also be feeling guilty and trying to cover up their cheating by being ultra-affectionate.  This can be especially cruel if you’d been going through a bit of dry spell.

The cheating re-sparks their sexual appetite, but you don’t realize it’s not because their feelings for you have strengthened.

Another thing to look out for is men who start doing things in bed they’ve never done before. Where did they learn it from, if not from you? Could be porn, but it could be another woman…

3. Constantly mentioning someone…or stopping mentioning them

When you’re into someone, you tend to talk about them all the time, often without really realizing it.

If your boyfriend is cheating, it’s a weird irony that he might find himself ‘telling’ you about it by talking about his new interest all the time.

If a woman’s name keeps cropping up in conversation, then you have cause to be concerned.

When this happens, it’s often a work colleague or someone he’s met in a totally innocent context and this means that he doesn’t realize there’s anything strange about talking about them. In his mind, he’s not talking about the other woman, he’s just talking about work.

If he mentions a woman all the time and then suddenly stops mentioning them, that’s even more suspicious.

It’s a good indication that something that started out as a crush or a bit of flirting has now moved on to something physical.

Once he’s actually having an affair, he’ll usually realize that mentioning her all the time isn’t a great idea.

4. Making a sudden effort with appearance

Many men don’t bother too much with their appearance once they’re in an established relationship (beyond the basis of showers and clean clothes).  What should you think if your boyfriend suddenly buys himself a new wardrobe, or develops a complex new skincare routine?

If this happens, it’s certainly possible that he’s just trying to impress you, or that he’s having a quarter or midlife crisis.

But there’s also a strong possibility that he’s doing this to impress someone else. Think back to the first few months of your relationship.

Did he make more effort then, compared to recent times? If his new-found focus on appearance is similar to how he was when you first got together, then you have cause to be worried.

It means he’s doing the things he naturally does when he’s in a new relationship…except this time, the relationship is not with you.

Jonathan Bennett, a certified counselor and co-owner of Double Trust Dating, says that if your partner has had the same haircut for a long time but suddenly has a bold new haircut “this could indicate an effort to impress another person.”

According to Dr. Phillips in Bustle, you may also want to have a look for a change in their grooming habits:

“If your partner comes home and jumps right into a long shower, they may be washing away any evidence of cheating.”

5. Money disappearing

Cheating can be expensive. There will be meals out, drinks and maybe hotel rooms. If the woman he’s with is cheating too, they won’t have anywhere to go other than out and that costs a lot of money.

Even if she’s single and has her own place to take him to, he’ll want to impress her and that will usually mean expensive dates, flowers and gifts.

If your boyfriend earns well, or you don’t have joint finances, you might not notice the extra spending straight away. But over time, the costs will start to add up. Look out for letters from the credit card company landing on the doorstep – they might be reminders because he’s late paying the bills.

If he seem short of money all the time, when he never used to be, that’s another clear sign. Maybe he’s stopped suggesting your usual Friday night pizza, or he buys you a cheap gift for your birthday.

There might be little signs at first  – simple things like buying a cheap bottle of wine rather than an extravagant one when it’s date night.

If those little things start to add up, and you can’t think of any other reason why he’d be worried about money, then you might have a problem.

6. Working more or developing new hobbies

Many men meet the person they have an affair with at work, so spending more time at work is a good indication there might be something up.

According to Robert Weiss Ph.D., MSW in Psychology Today:

“Flat tires, dead batteries, traffic jams, spending extra time at the gym, and similar excuses for being late or absent altogether might also signal infidelity.”

Everyone has times when they need to work a little harder than usual, but if he’s working lots of overtime for no apparent reason, be worried.

This is especially true if his job hasn’t demanded this before. Also remember that overtime usually leads to something.

Either a promotion, or more money, or a big new project. If none of these things seems to be happening, it’s time to ask him why he’s working so hard and what he’s working on.

If he doesn’t have an answer, then it’s quite likely that he’s not actually working when he says he is.

Another thing to look out for is big new hobbies that take up lots of time. It might be that his new hobby is something his other woman also does and that he’s got into it with her.

It might also be that it’s completely made up, and is simply an excuse to spend time away from home.

Look out for anything  – work or hobby related  – that takes him away overnight or at weekends. It might be that he’s making it up and he’s not where he said he’d be.

Or it could be that the promotion he got that means work travel, is one he went for because of the travel…with her.

It might be that he’s not really that into triathlon, but she does it and being part of her triathlon club means weekends away competing.

If you’re suspicious, suggest coming with him next time and see what happens.

7. Ducking out of social or family events

We all have times when we don’t really feel like seeing friends or family, but cheaters often take that to another level.

This might be especially true if they think your relationship has probably run its course, but don’t have the courage to own up to it.

According to clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula in Oprah Magazine, “A major commitment makes it more difficult to pull out of a relationship quickly.”

If he is still happy to see his own friends and family but is avoiding events with yours, then it might be that he’s cheating and slowly withdrawing from your life.

Even if he’s not cheating, it’s usually bad news if a man who was previously happy to socialize with ‘your side’ decides he isn’t happy with that anymore.

Be careful that you don’t assume anything, though, as this can be a tricky one.

Sometimes, people alter their social habits because they’re struggling with anxiety or depression, and men often don’t find it easy to talk about their mental health, even with those closest to them.

It might be that he’s willing to socialize with his own friends still because he’s more comfortable with them. Tread carefully, but don’t be a pushover.

8. Moodiness

When your previously lovely, happy guy starts being grumpy and difficult to please, then you definitely have a problem of some kind.

It might be that there’s something deeper going on for him, so do bear that possibility in mind.

But there will be a reason why he’s changed the way he interacts with you.

When men cheat, they sometimes begin to feel resentful of their girlfriends. He might feel that he;s met someone – his affair partner – who he really wants to be with.

And while it’s hugely unfair, he might feel that you are holding him back from being with that person.

This can happen even if your relationship was previously really solid and you were making plans together for the future.

He might still be happily making plans with you now, even as his mood and body language are telling you a different story.

Just because he’s having an affair and considering moving on to someone else, doesn’t mean that he’s sure of what he wants.

If he’s moody, it might be because he’s confused and hasn’t yet made up his mind about who he wants to be with long term.

It could also be more calculated than that. He might have already decided that he wants to move on, but hasn’t got the courage to tell you and own up to his affair.

Instead, he’s behaving badly in the hope that you’ll end it before he has to.

9. Lots of attention

Not every cheater wants to end their primary relationship. It might be that your boyfriend is cheating, but in the hopes that he can have a bit of fun while still staying with you.

If this is the case, it’s quite likely that he’ll become more attentive rather than less. He’s feeling guilty and wants to make himself feel better by showering you with attention.

Maybe he’ll book a romantic weekend away, or come home with flowers when he never has before.

Perhaps he’ll step up his game when it comes to Christmas or birthday presents and buy you something far more expensive than he ever has before.

Of course, it might just be that he’s been thinking about the future and realizes he wants to pay you more attention and commit to you more than he has before.

That does happen when relationships step up a gear.

But if you don’t think that’s what’s happening, and he’s super attentive out of nowhere, you do have reason to be wary.

10. You know something’s up

If you get that gut feeling that there’s something wrong, it’s probably because there is.

Intuition allows you to pick up on small clues about your boyfriend’s behavior. There might not be anyone big thing that’s changed that you can analyze rationally.

But you know that things are different from how they were and you’re wondering why.

It is important not to allow an openness to intuition to become insecurity, though. Be really honest with yourself.

If you have a history of being suspicious of other people but never being proved right, it might not be your intuition speaking, but your insecurity.

That’s nothing to be ashamed of, but it is something you should be working on.

If you know that you’re not generally insecure, and you have an overwhelming feeling that there is something wrong, then you’re probably right.

You know your boyfriend better than anyone.

Most importantly, you know exactly how he is when he’s in the first flush of lust with someone, because he did that with you.

There is absolutely a reason that you’re feeling what you’re feeling. It might not be that he’s cheating, but it’s absolutely right that you try and find out what is going on.

Don’t assume, but be aware and start to ask questions.

Conclusion

Even those who are really determined to hide their cheating will nearly always give it away somehow.

Not many people are capable of cheating without any change showing in the behavior.

If you feel like you might be being cheated on, your intuition may tell you before anything else does.

If you get that feeling, start looking out for concrete clues.

These can include:

  • Using his phone differently.
  • Having sex more or less often, or changing the way he does it.
  • Talking about a woman all the time, or not mentioning someone he used to talk about.
  • Stepping up his grooming habits or buying new clothes.
  • Spending more money.
  • Being out of the house more often with work or hobbies.
  • Not being interested in doing things with your friends and family.
  • Being moody or grumpy.
  • Giving you lots of attention.

Some of the signs of cheating are contradictory. Which signs your boyfriend displays will depend on his personality and the nature of his cheating.

He’ll behave differently for example, if he’s having a series of one-night stands than if he has a long-term affair partner.

Keep an open mind, keep an eye out for evidence, and when you’re sure you know, confront him.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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No, There Is No Such Thing as ADHD

There is no brain condition that generates some disease called ADHD, and none has ever been demonstrated. And no child should be given amphetamines.

No, there is no such thing as ADHD.

 

Somewhere along the line, we have lost the understanding that kids come in all shapes and sizes. Some kids are active, some are quiet; some kids are dreamers, others are daring; some kids are dramatic, others are observers; some impulsive, others reserved; some leaders, others followers; some athletic, others thinkers.

Where did we ever get the notion that kids should all be one way?

Parents these days are subject to pediatric “experts” who proclaim that kids should follow some prescribed rates of physical, mental, and emotional growth. If they deviate from the “mean,” then there is a problem. Parents are intimidated and worry that there is something wrong with their babies.

Every child matures in his own way, in his own time. Every child is different. We need to throw away all the bell curves of “normal” — you know, developmental milestones. Parents worry if Johnny is a happy breastfeeding pudge-ball, heavier than his appointed weight; or crawls differently; or isn’t walking yet; or isn’t talking at his appointed hour; or still isn’t toilet trained (very few make it to adulthood without getting toilet trained).

There are experts at every turn, such as those who proclaim knowledge that a pudgy baby will create fat cells that will create weight problems for life, which is nonsense. Parents, leave these poor kids alone and enjoy them. Raise them well — you know, with boundaries and love.

Apparently, differences mean that we should make children conform to the idea that there is some ‘normal’ that all kids should be. If they’re active, give them amphetamines; if they’re moody, give them Prozac; for fears, give them benzodiazepines; and while we’re at it, let’s give them antipsychotics, or Lithium and other mood-stabilizing drugs.

What in the world are we doing?

My focus is on the interplay of temperament and trauma to demonstrate how the fiction of ADHD took hold in the first place. Dr. Peter Breggin and others have addressed the issue of giving amphetamines to children with compelling clarity. (see a “Towards a Ban on Psychiatrically Diagnosing and Drugging Children”).

Every single person is absolutely unique. No two of us are alike. Even identical twins are not the same. We all have our unique constellation of temperament. I want to emphasize that by temperament, we are talking about inborn temperamental styles, not pathology. (See “The Nature-Nurture Question—The role of ‘Nature’ comes from our genetic temperament.“)

Our temperament digests our parental nurture all the way through our development. Together, they create the varied and wonderful scope of human personality. Our cortical imagination, oriented by our temperament, writes a specific and nuanced character world in each of us, which is as unique as our fingerprints.

And so it is with nature and nurture for all of us. Our temperaments differ; our salient environments differ; our parents, our culture, and the happenstances of our lives differ. The specific qualities of our parents, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, teachers, friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, and the moment-to-moment experience of our lives are all unpredictably alive. Our adult character is created out of all of these forces and is absolutely unique. No two snowflakes are alike, but we are all snowflakes. And we all form the same way.

To understand ADHD, we need to look at differences in temperament, as well as the degree of responsiveness, abuse, and deprivation that is digested into our plays of consciousness.

A typical child, often a boy, may have an active temperament. One can readily tell whether a child is active or passive. Active children sit and walk and climb early in childhood. They take off at the beach. The active child is naturally physical, physically expressive, and action-oriented. He is oriented to active, muscular, good aggression. In the context of good-enough loving, the active child, identifying with his active strength, operates as a take-charge doer.

(The passive child is not oriented by muscular, good aggression. In basic orientation, he is more absorbed elsewhere. He tends to be off daydreaming. The passive child depends more on someone else to provide shelter from the storm. He identifies as the recipient of action rather than as a doer.)

The next temperamental attribute is that our active child tends to be an externalizer, rather than an internalizer. What does this mean? The orientation of an externalizer is to look outward. With good enough love, he feels secure with love from others. In the context of deprivation and abuse, he is predisposed and oriented to feel attacked or criticized by others. He locates the source of attack, hatred, or criticism as coming from a person outside of him. For example, from a legacy of shaming abuse, an externalizer experiences being actively shamed by a person outside of him and will react to it. His orientation is as a blamer. As such, he would be inclined to blame and fight with others.

(An internalizer will carry a source of loving internally. In the absence of good-enough loving, instead of blaming and fighting, he will attack himself. It would manifest as self-hate: “I’m bad; I’m inadequate, I’m stupid, I’m ugly,” etc. In the context of shaming abuse, an internalizer, would feel ashamed.)

Our active child would tend to be more narcissistically inclined than echoistically oriented. His orientation is to operate from his sense of self, as opposed to an echoist who operates from the point of view of other people. In the context of deprivation and abuse, his “me” orientation focuses on himself as the injured party and isn’t as centered on thinking of others. He is furious and outraged at slights and injuries directed at him from others. He leads with an exposed nerve and indignantly feels, How dare you treat me this way?

And finally, this child tends to more of a participant and less of an observer. A participant is naturally oriented to be immersed in and emotionally involved in activities. He easily and naturally engages through feeling.

(The natural orientation of an observer, on the other hand, is to process at a distance, rather than be immersed in the feeling relatedness of the scenario of the play. An observer tends toward thinking, caution, circumspection, reticence, and figuring things out.)

So what do we have? An active, externalizing, narcissistic, and participatory child. Remember, there are no pejoratives associated with these qualities. This type of constellation generates the attributes of leaders and athletes. In many cultures, these children are valued rather than devalued. They grow up to be fun energetic people. They may show behaviors that get them called ADHD, but they are normal kids. They are easily bored, need to run around a lot, and may have short attention spans, except when they are interested. These actually are stereotypical boys. They can be fidgety and impulsive and may concentrate poorly, but there is nothing wrong with them.

In the context of deprivation and abuse, they may be prone to spin out of control. They may act out more and blame and fight. This may be a signal that something is problematic in the family and needs to be attended to. Many families don’t like to hear this, but the attention deficit may mean that the parents are giving insufficient loving attention to the child.

What is called ADHD, in general, is merely one part of the constellation of temperaments that make up the human condition. Even within this group, temperaments will vary. No two children are the same. And the specifics of deprivation and abuse vary with every child. Not only that, but there are also many other issues that can be very misleading. I give one example in “How Do Our Children Get Misdiagnosed With So-Called ADHD?

Certainly, symptoms present themselves, but they need to be correctly understood. All of these children need to be properly evaluated to understand what they need. It might be help for the family. It might be a more open classroom. It might be to help teachers be better teachers. But one thing is for sure:

There is no brain condition that generates some disease called ADHD, and none has ever been demonstrated. And no child should be given amphetamines.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Why Dating During The Coronavirus Pandemic Is Complicated — But Still Possible

Is dating during the coronavirus recommended?

With everything happening during this outbreak, a certain T.S. Eliot quote comes to mind: “The world will not end with a bang, but with a whimper.” While that seems vaguely depressing, these words don’t seem so farfetched to some.

Recently, a friend messaged me. She was prepared to go on a date with this guy she had just met through a popular dating app. And even though things had gone well via text message, she was truly apprehensive about meeting him.

The problem was that when it came time to meet him, she was ready to back out of the date because she was worried about meeting him in a public place.

She wasn’t worried about backing out of the date because of anything that he had said or done. In fact, she actually thought he was a great guy. She was afraid because of the increased risk of contracting the coronavirus (COVID-19).

And according to the Washington Post, she isn’t the only one. Lots of singles are second-guessing whether or not they should risk going out to meet the person they’ve met online, despite having great chemistry with the person via the Internet and dating apps.

Sadly, according to experts, this has become a growing concern for people trying to date.

While I’m no doctor, nor do I work for the Centers for Disease Control (CDC), the World Health Organization (WHO), or any other health agencies, I do have a background as a pediatric nurse and health services administrator.

So, to my friend and all the others who are in this very same predicament, listen: We engage in risky behaviors every time we date someone.

The fact of the matter is that you don’t know the medical history of the person you’re engaging with. So every time you decide to be intimate, every time you decide to kiss this person, you’re engaging in risky behavior.

You assume that the person you’re with is safe to be with. You just prepare yourself by ensuring that you practice safe sex, and other activities. So in this same way, just always be on guard.

With the coronavirus, health officials have mentioned the best ways to avoid the virus and stay safe. So it’s best to just implement these measures.

With that said, would I tell someone to stop dating because of the coronavirus? No.

I would recommend that you practice being safe. That you avoid crowded places and instead, maybe just go out with your date to a smaller restaurant, coffee shop, or even take a walk, anything that doesn’t involve large crowds.

There are ways that you can be practical as well as safe.

With that said, does that mean you should stop meeting new people? No, because that’s living in fear. That’s not living at all. That’s putting your life on hold. Now, I understand there are some real concerns right now.

There are lots of people suffering from this virus worldwide, and you know as experts have pointed out, we just need to try not to engage in risky behaviors, unnecessary travel, and of course, we should be practicing cleanliness to avoid picking up the virus from others we may come into contact with.

But no matter what happens, no matter what you decide, or how you decide to handle dating during this outbreak, I hope everyone stays safe. And remember to always step bravely into love.

 

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Before You Give Your Partner A Second Chance, Ask Yourself These 5 Questions

Both you and your partner will likely make your share of mistakes, and if you want your relationship to keep moving forward, it’s important to master the art of forgiveness. But what happens when that second chance becomes a third or a fourth? How many chances should you be giving your significant other? According to experts, there are a few things you should keep in mind before you decide to give your partner another chance.

“Figuring out if and when to move on from a relationship is hard,” Melissa Hobley, dating and relationship expert and global chief marketing officer at OkCupid, tells Bustle. There isn’t an exact magic number to how many chances you should give someone. Every situation is different. For instance, some people can forgive cheating one time, while others can’t. But at the very least, Ashleigh Edelstein, licensed marriage and family therapist, tells Bustle that many people deserve a second chance.

“We’re all doing our best at any given time, and we can do better,” Edelstein says. “If you want your partner to forgive mistakes and give you opportunities to do better, extend that courtesy to them.”

Anything beyond a second chance is worth thinking over. There are a few things you should think about before deciding whether giving your partner another chance will be worth it. So here are some questions you should ask yourself, according to experts.

1. Have I Communicated My Needs In A Way That’s Easy To Understand?

If you haven't communicated your feelings, your partner won't know what's wrong.

Shutterstock

The key to a successful relationship is open and honest communication. As Emily Pfannenstiel, LPC, a psychotherapist who specializes in therapy for women, tells phicklephilly, it’s important to communicate your expectations early on in the relationship. “We live in a society that chastises [people who identify as women] for being too ‘aggressive,’ therefore, many women are scared that if they ask their partners for what they want, they’ll be viewed as unattractive,” Pfannenstiel says. “Yet, at the same time, it’s not fair to ask our partners to meet expectations that they know nothing about.”

For instance, everyone has their idea of what counts as cheating. Your partner’s idea of cheating might only be physical cheating, while your idea of cheating includes emotional cheating and texting other people. If your partner doesn’t fully understand that you don’t want them texting their ex because you think it’s cheating, they may not think it’s a big deal and will continue to keep doing it. So it’s important to state your expectations in a clear and direct way. According to Pfannenstiel, when you’re able to voice your expectations without fear, everyone wins.

2. Am I Receiving Just As Much As I Give?

Whether you give your partner a second chance depends on your negotiables and non-negotiables. “Be honest about how it makes you feel when those non-negotiables are tested or violated,” Tara Genovese, licensed clinical social worker who specializes in relationships, tells Bustle. If you find that your partner keeps doing the same thing over and over again after you’ve had conversations about it, you may have to evaluate your relationship. “Are you in a reciprocal relationship based on respect and care for one another, or is this the same cycle repeating itself?” Genovese says. Sometimes you have to take a step back and look at your relationship as a whole. If your partner isn’t pulling their weight or giving you enough of what you want, giving them another chance might not be worth it.

3. Is My Partner’s Behavior Something I Can Live With?

If your partner's behavior is something they can't change, you have to decide if it's a deal breaker for you.

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It’s easy to take your partner’s behavior personally. But according to Edelstein, their behavior may be explained by their own personal issues. For instance, how someone was raised or their attachment style can affect how they act towards you. If this is the case, getting them to change will require a lot of time and patience on your part. If your partner really has issues to work through that stem from childhood, it’s not something they can easily fix.

“If they continue to repeat problematic behavior without any acknowledgement or change, it may be time to take a look at whether it’s a deal breaker or requires the help of a professional,” Edelstein says. “Do some self-reflection and check in whether your relationship is aligned with your values and what direction you’d like it to go.”

4. Does My Partner Actually Listen And Understand My Point Of View?

Sometimes it does take people a few chances to finally get it right. If you notice that your partner actually listens to your needs and is making an effort to change, it’s worth giving them multiple chances. But if your partner is stubborn and is unwilling to see things from your perspective, Pfannenstiel says they’re showing you that they don’t respect you enough to hear you out. “When this happens, you need to seriously question whether you should be moving forward in the relationship or moving on,” she says. “I would say this holds true across most topics of concern.”

It’s important to note that if you are dealing with abuse or blatant disrespect, those don’t require second chances. “In fact, if your partner is abusive, I would say, get help, cut the cord and do not look back,” Pfannenstiel says.

5. What’s Holding Me Back From Leaving The Relationship?

If you keep giving your partner more chances, ask yourself why you feel the need to stay in the relationship.

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Long-term healthy relationships require a lot of forgiveness. As Genesis Games, LMHC, a Gottman-trained couples therapist, tells Bustle, “Forgiveness doesn’t need to always equate to another chance. Forgiveness can be something you do for yourself and not anything to do with rebuilding your relationship.” If you find yourself in a situation where you keep giving your partner chances, it’s important to figure out why. What’s holding you back from moving on? “Being brutally honest with yourself is essential to avoid getting into a breaking up and getting back together cycle, which is toxic and painful,” she says. Sometimes having the relationship you actually want may involve leaving a partner you already have.

Some people deserve second chances. After that, it’s up to you to decide if giving your partner another chance will be worth it.

 

If you think you’re showing symptoms of coronavirus, which include fever, shortness of breath, and cough, call your doctor before going to get tested. If you’re anxious about the virus’s spread in your community, visit the CDC for up-to-date information and resources, or seek out mental health support.

 

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50 Words Of Sympathy & Condolences For The Loss Of A Mother

Simply saying “I’m sorry for your loss.” isn’t enough sometimes.

Death is never an easy topic to discuss ― even if it’s a natural part of life. Experiencing the loss of a loved one is so much harder. “Expected” deaths hurt just as bad as the ones that come out of the blue.

What makes death so difficult is realizing that you’ll never get to see them again or create new memories, and knowing what to say — what condolence messages to send for the loss of a mother — can be an impossible task.

I can only begin to imagine how traumatic it is to lose a mother. I know nothing compares to the loss of a mother. Moms are irreplaceable in our lives, because of the large role they play in our childhoods, adulthood, and beyond.

Mothers are undoubtedly real-life superheroes who sacrifice a multitude for our well being. Her sacrifices begin at the moment of our conception and continue for what seems like forever.

I send my condolences to those who have lost their mothers. I know sympathy quotes and condolence messages won’t make the pain go away, but they do provide a sense of temporary comfort.

Although I have not experienced the loss of my mother, I know a thing or two about loss. During loss we all grieve, feel sorrow, and sometimes even feel regret. Loss is truly an indescribable, overwhelming feeling. When you experience loss you feel so many emotions rolled into one.

These emotions are natural they come with a passing of a loved one, especially a mother. It’s really important that you allow yourself to feel your emotions ― no matter how painful and draining it maybe. Bottling up your emotions is a disservice to your healing process.

The only way to learn to live with the loss is to go through it and use the passing time to heal. I don’t know your mother, but I’m sure she’d want you to be happy again and continue to live your life to the fullest.

Thankfully, in our time of sorrow and loss, we don’t have to grief and heal alone. Many are willing to send their condolences and give a helping hand.

As you go through the healing process, I want you to meditate on these words of sympathy that express condolences for the loss of a mother.

1. Your mom will always be with you in spirit.

condolences for loss of mother

“Those we love don’t go away, they walk beside us every day.”

2. Your memories make you stronger.

“A family is a circle of love, not broken by a loss, but made stronger by the memories. We are forever blessed that God connected us to you.”

3. Be comforted by the fact that she was in your life.

“I know for certain that we never lose the people we love, even to death. They continue to participate in every act, thought, and decision we make. Their love leaves an indelible imprint in our memories. We find comfort in knowing that our lives have been enriched by having shared their love.” ― Leo Buscaglia

4. There is power in your tears.

“There is a sacredness in tears. They are not the mark of weakness, but of power.” ― Washington Irving

5. Losing her will never be easy.

“Losing a member of the family is never easy, especially one who offered such unconditional love.” ― Rike Ninja

6. She will bring people together even in her passing.

“A great soul serves everyone all the time. A great soul never dies. It brings us together again and again.”― Maya Angelou

7. It’s okay to be sad.

“We should feel sorrow, but not sink under its oppression.” ― Confucius

8. She will live on forever.

“Unable are the loved to die, for love is immortality.” ― Emily Dickinson

9. You’re sad because she added happiness to your life.

“When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight.” ― Khalil Gibran

10. Love is worth grief.

condolences for loss of mother

“Grief is the price we pay for love.” ― Queen Elizabeth II

11. Crying heals you.

“Tears are God’s gift to us. Our holy water. They heal us as they flow.” ― Rita Schiano

12. Be grateful for the memories.

“Like a bird singing in the rain, let grateful memories survive in time of sorrow” ― Robert Louis Stevenson

13. Speak of her with comfort.

“When you speak of her, speak not with tears, for thoughts of her should not be sad. Let memories of the times you shared give you comfort, for her life was rich because of you.”

14. She has found peace.

“The sun, the moon, the wind, the stars, will forever be around, reminding you of the love you shared, and the peace she’s finally found.”

15. It’s okay not to be prepared for a loss.

“No matter how prepared you think you are for the death of a loved one, it still comes as a shock, and it still hurts very deeply.” ― Billy Graham

16. It’s your right to grief.

“I believe that everyone can appreciate the right of a family to grieve the loss of a loved one in peace.” ― Dave Reichert

17. Surviving loss may be hard, but it’s not impossible.

“When you lose a person you love so much, surviving the loss is difficult.” ― Cristiano Ronaldo

18. Your relationship is not dead.

“Death ends a life, not a relationship.”― Mitch Albom

19. Death is a natural part of life.

“It is a curious thing, the death of a loved one. We all know that our time in this world is limited and that eventually all of us will end up underneath some sheet, never to wake up. And yet it is always a surprise when it happens to someone we know.” ― Lemony Snicket.

20. Her impact on your life will last forever.

condolences for loss of mother

“We all die. The goal isn’t to live forever, the goal is to create something that will.” ― Chuck Palahniuk

21. No one looks forward to death.

“No one wants to die. Even people who want to go to heaven don’t want to die to get there. And yet death is the destination we all share. No one has ever escaped it.” ― Steve Jobs

22. Celebrate her life.

“I’ve told my children that when I die, to release balloons in the sky to celebrate that I graduated. For me, death is a graduation.” ― Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

23. Your love keeps her alive, even if she’s gone.

“Love is how you stay alive, even after you are gone.”― Mitch Albom

24. Your tears show that your heart is pure.

“Tears shed for another person are not a sign of weakness. They are a sign of a pure heart.”― José N. Harris

25. Your mother’s love will always protect you.

“Love as powerful as your mother’s for you leaves it’s own mark. To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.”― J.K. Rowling

26. Everything happens for a reason.

“God is never cruel, there is a reason for all things. We must know the pain of loss; because if we never knew it, we would have no compassion for others, and we would become monsters of self-regard, creatures of unalloyed self-interest. The terrible pain of loss teaches humility to our prideful kind, has the power to soften uncaring hearts, to make a better person of a good one.”― Dean Koontz

27. It’s okay not to know when you’ll be done grieving.

“Everyone keeps telling me that time heals all wounds, but no one can tell me what I’m supposed to do right now. Right now I can’t sleep. It’s right now that I can’t eat. Right now I still hear his voice and sense his presence even though I know he’s not here. Right now all I seem to do is cry. I know all about time and wounds healing, but even if I had all the time in the world, I still don’t know what to do with all this hurt right now.”― Nina Guilbeau

28. Her legacy will live on.

“A mother’s love is always with her children. Losing a mother is one of the deepest sorrows a heart can know. But her goodness, her caring, and her wisdom live on-like a legacy of love that will always be with you. May that love surround you now and bring you peace.”

29. You will not sink, you will survive this.

“Mother was comfort. Mother was home. A girl who lost her mother was suddenly a tiny boat on an angry ocean. Some boats eventually floated ashore. And some boats, like me, seemed to float farther and farther from land.”― Ruta Sepetys

30. What we deeply love becomes a part of us.

condolences for loss of mother

“What we have once enjoyed deeply we can never lose. All that we love deeply becomes part of us.” ― Helen Keller

31. You eventually get into the acceptance stage.

“Any natural, normal human being, when faced with any kind of loss, will go from shock all the way through acceptance.” ― Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

32. You will always be connected to her.

“Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity.” ― Terri Guillemets

33. Family is worth the risk of loss.

“A family is a risky venture, because the greater the love, the greater the loss… That’s the trade-off. But I’ll take it all.” ― Brad Pitt

34. You won’t forget the way she made you feel.

“My mother is a never-ending song in my heart of comfort, happiness and being. I may sometimes forget the words but I always remember the tune.” ― Graycie Harmon

35. It’s a blessing to have known and be loved by your mother.

“Though sorrow may impede my heart. It is of great love to have known you.”― C. Elizabeth

36. Your love for her matters more than anything.

“Losing you is most difficult for me, but the nature of my love for you is what matters.” ― Haruki Murakami

37. She’s always going to be at your side.

“Mother, you left us beautiful memories, your love is still our guide, although we cannot see you, you’re always at our side.”

38. Your grief won’t always be this intense.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”― Vicki Harrison

39. A loss of a mother is a different kind of loss.

“I’ve lost lots of men in my life, besides my mother, which is a whole different loss.” ― Patti Smith

40. She will live on in your heart.

condolences for loss of mother

“There are no goodbyes for us. Wherever you are, you will always be in my heart.” ― Mahatma Gandhi

41. You can continue to love her.

“In life, we loved you dearly, in death, we love you still. In our hearts you hold a place, no one else will ever fill.”

42. This loss will make you a stronger person.

“Losing my mother at such an early age is the scar of my soul. But I feel like it ultimately made me into the person I am today; I understand the journey of life. I had to go through what I did to be here.” ― Mariska Hargitay

43. Your memories of her will never pass.

“The world changes from year to year, our lives from day to day, but the love and memory of you shall never pass away.”

44. Growth is coming.

“With loss comes growth.” ― Julie Foudy

45. Remember how fortunate you were to have her in your life.

“Whenever I am missing you, I also remember how fortunate I was that you were in my life. I wouldn’t trade those moments for the world.” — Cindy Adkins

46. Her hugs will last.

“A mom’s hug lasts long after she lets go.”

47. A mother’s love is powerful, even in her absence.

“Love as powerful as your mother’s for you leaves its own mark. To have been loved so deeply, even though the person who loved us is gone, will give us some protection forever.”– J.K. Rowling

48. She’ll always have your heart.

“Mothers hold their children’s hands for a while, but their hearts forever.”

49. It’s okay to miss her, just know she’s still with you.

“Mom, I am missing you today but I know that you will always be with me in my heart.” — Karen Kostyla

50. Mothers never really die.

condolences for loss of mother

“Mothers never really die, they just keep the house up in the sky, They polish the sun by day and light the stars that shine at night, keep the moonbeams silvery bright and in the heavenly home above they wait to welcome those they love.” — Helen Steiner Rice

 

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Tales of Rock – Annabelle Lwin

Annabella Lwin (born Myant Myant Aye,[1] 31 October 1966) is an Anglo-Burmese singersongwriter and record producer best known as the lead singer of Bow Wow Wow. Lwin was born to a Burmese father and an English mother in Rangoon, Burma (now Yangon, Myanmar).[3][4] She is a practising (Soka Gakkai InternationalBuddhist.

EMI Records[edit]

After recording Dirk Wears White Sox as members of Adam and the AntsMatthew AshmanLeigh Gorman and Dave Barbarossa were convinced by former Sex Pistols manager Malcolm McLaren to leave Adam Ant to form a new band under his management.[5] Liverpool session musicianmusic director and talent scout Dave Fishel heard thirteen year old Lwin singing along to the radio at the laundromat she worked at, and convinced McLaren to audition her for lead singer of his new band.[6] Following her successful audition, he had her transfer from a mixed comprehensive school in London to the Sylvia Young Theatre School.

Bow Wow Wow signed with EMI Records in July 1980, and released their first single, “C·30 C·60 C·90 Go!”, shortly afterwards.[6] Originally only released on cassette, it was the world’s first-ever cassette single.[7] EMI did not promote the cassingle due to lyrics (“Off the radio I get constant flow/Hit it, pause it, record and play/Turn it, rewind and rub it away”) that promoted home taping[6] during an era when music piracy was a hot button issue.[8] The B-side, “Sun, Sea and Piracy”, also promoted home taping, then lying on a beach and enjoying the fruits of this labour.[9] Both tracks were on side 1 of the tape, making the second side blank. Presumably, so the listener could follow Annabella’s lead.[10]

RCA Records[edit]

When Bow Wow Wow moved to RCA Records, controversy followed them over to their new label. The album cover of their debut album, See Jungle! See Jungle! Go Join Your Gang Yeah, City All Over! Go Ape Crazy! depicted the band recreating Édouard Manet’s Le Déjeuner sur l’herbe, with a then fourteen-year-old Lwin posing nude. Photographed by Andy Earl, the cover caused outrage that led to an investigation by Scotland Yard, instigated by Lwin’s mother.[11] Undeterred, the band used the same photo on the cover of their follow-up EP The Last of the Mohicans, and the sleeve of the “Go Wild in the Country” single.

Another nude photo of Lwin was used for the cover of I Want Candy less than a year later. The title track, a cover of the Strangeloves‘ 1965 hit originally on The Last of the Mohicans, barely scraped the Top 50, but was instrumental in introducing Lwin and Bow Wow Wow to American audiences. Thanks, in part, to the memorable video that got heavy play in the early days of MTV.

At the behest of Ashman, Lwin began writing for Bow Wow Wow’s follow up, When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going.[12] When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Get Going contained the hit “Do You Wanna Hold Me?”, which also found its way into heavy rotation on MTV.

During a hiatus following an intense US tour, Lwin was unceremoniously ousted from the band in September 1983.[13] She found out about her firing by reading it in NME.

Fever[edit]

Simply calling herself “Annabella”, her first solo release was the 1985 single “Don’t Dance With Strangers”, produced by the System.[14] She followed that up with the album Fever in 1986. The title track, a cover of the Peggy Lee classic, was produced by and recorded with multi-instrumentalist Jim Lea of Slade. Another single from the album, “War Boys”, produced by John Robie, spent six weeks on the US Billboard Hot Dance Music/Club Play chart, peaking at #28. “Don’t Dance With Strangers” and “Fever” were included on The Best of Bow Wow Wow, released on 29 October 1996 by BMI.[15]

She formed a new band, Naked Experience, and collaborated across the Atlantic with seasoned musicians and songwriters such as Billy Steinberg and Ellen Shipley. In 1994, Sony Soho Square released two singles, “Car Sex” and “Do What You Do”, for which, she was billed as “Annabella Lwin”. “Car Sex” made the Top 10 in the UK Dance Chart, while the re-mixed dance follow-up “Do What You Do” (1995), produced by Steve Lironi, spent one week at No.61 in the UK Singles Chart.[16] In 1999, Cleopatra released Virgin Voices: A Tribute To Madonna, Volume One. It contained a cover of “Like a Virgin” credited to “Annabella Lwin of Bow Wow Wow.”[17]

Bow Wow Wow reunion[edit]

Annabella and former Bow Wow Wow bass player Leigh Gorman reunited in 1997 for a US tour. The reunion included appearances by a range of musicians from the young up and coming, such as Eshan Khadaroo of Beat Kitchen, (Blue Man), and the established, including Adrian Young of No Doubt, both playing drums in place of original member Dave Barbarossa. The original guitarist of Bow Wow Wow, Matthew Ashman, had died of complications from diabetes in 1995, and various guitarists filled in.

The tour began in December 1997, and ended in March 1998.[18] Two shows, the January 10, 1998 show at the Bluebird Theater in Denver, Colorado, and the March 7, 1998 show at the Drama Club in Santa Fe, New Mexico, were used for a live CDWild in the U.S.A. on Cleopatra Records.[19]

In 1998, Bow Wow Wow collaborated with DJ Swedish Egil on the track “Eastern Promise”, released as part of Egil’s Groove Radio Presents: Alternative Mix CD on Priority Records.[20] They contributed the song “A Thousand Tears” to the 1999 film Desperate But Not Serious (retitled Reckless + Wild in the US), starring Christine Taylor and Claudia Schiffer, and appeared in the film.

In 2006, Bow Wow Wow recorded a cover of the Smiths‘ “I Started Something I Couldn’t Finish“, which appeared on three 2007 releases: a new three-track I Want Candy EP (Cleopatra), compilation album Stop Me If You Think You’ve Heard This One Before: A Tribute to the Smiths (Cleopatra) and the Blood & Chocolate: Original Motion Picture Soundtrack (Lakeshore Records).

On 21 November 2010, the 15th anniversary of Ashman’s death, Barbarossa joined Lwin and Gorman at the Scala in London in a tribute concert for Ashman. The show was headlined by Adam Ant, and also featured Ashman’s other bands, Chiefs of Relief and Agent Provocateur.[21]

With a new guitarist (Jimmy Magoon) and drummer (Dylan Thomas), Bow Wow Wow played shows in California and toured the UK during 2011-2012.[22] In December 2012, Gorman began performing under the name “Bow Wow Wow” with Chloe Demetria of the band Vigilant on vocals,[23] and launched a new Bow Wow Wow Facebook page.[24][25] All of which was done without Lwin’s consent. Lwin has continued to perform billed as “Annabella Lwin of the original Bow Wow Wow”.[26]

Other ventures

Lwin has recorded original material as a solo artist, and is a featured vocalist on numerous transatlantic dance tracks with producers/DJs, such as Tony B of Groove Radio, Jason Nevins, and the Utah Saints. Lwin’s songwriting also brought her into partnerships with producers such as Guy Chambers and Michael Lattanzi.

In 2005, Lwin was a featured vocalist, with Camp Freddy members Dave Navarro and Billy Morrison, during a fund raising concert for victims of the tsunami caused by the 2004 Indian Ocean earthquake. Lwin co-wrote and co-produced a solo song with record producer Carey Beare, which was donated exclusively to the Hands and Hearts Organization for Tsunami Relief in spring 2006.

Amongst a couple of her own shows in 2010, Lwin appeared on stage with Kathy Valentine and Charlotte Caffey (Go-Go’s), Billy Corgan (Smashing Pumpkins), and other prominent artists for a MusiCaresMusicians Assistance Program (MAP) Benefit concert called ‘Women in Recovery’, as well as participating in animal charity related concerts.[27]

On 10 July 2012, Annabella released Super Boom on Secret Records.[28] It was a fourteen-track collection of unreleased demo and studio recordings from 1984 through to 1987. In 2016, she released a new EP, entitled Willow Tree, on which she wrote all four tracks.[12] Later in the year, she contributed a cover of “Cheer Up” to One Heart: A Tribute to Bob Marley & the Wailers, a benefit for teens and young adults with cancer or who are living in difficult circumstances.[29]

Marie Antoinette[edit]

Bow Wow Wow songs “Aphrodisiac”, “I Want Candy” and “Fools Rush In” (the latter two remixed by Kevin Shields of My Bloody Valentine) were included on the soundtrack of the 2006 Sofia Coppola film Marie Antoinette. Annabella was also the inspiration for how Coppola had lead actress Kirsten Dunst portray the title character.[30] The band performed on 2 November 2006 at the Maritime Hotel‘s Hiro Lounge in New York City to promote the film.

Discography[edit]

With Bow Wow Wow[edit]

 

If you think you’re showing symptoms of coronavirus, which include fever, shortness of breath, and cough, call your doctor before going to get tested. If you’re anxious about the virus’s spread in your community, visit the CDC for up-to-date information and resources, or seek out mental health support.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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