Look, just because you can’t go outside right now doesn’t mean you can’t put yourself out there…like, on apps, that is. And although it’s clear you haven’t left your apartment in weeks based on your “uh-is-that-chocolate?” sweatpants stain and fifth day of dry shampoo (no judgement), chances are you’ve still encountered one of these, um, Prince Charmings in one way or another.
If you’re at home on lockdown, now that you have all the time in the world to swipe, text, DM memes, and try out a taste of FaceTime and/or Zoom dates, you’re getting more action than you ever did—even pre-social distancing.
So behold (or feel personally attacked—how you see it is your choice) the eight guys you didn’t even realize you were dating right now.
You were texting for a solid four, maybe five days, with ping-pong conversations that made you actually laugh out loud. Your heart skipped a beat when he asked you out… for a FaceTime date. You even put on your fave going-out top, but kept on your staying-in bottoms (the same boxers you’ve been wearing since mid-March).
Then, seconds into your FT date, you couldn’t even pay attention to his patchy beard because you were too distracted by all the dirty dishes piled up on his nightstand. Um, please don’t tell me that’s ketchup. You don’t think you’ll wait for an IRL date to find out.
You started off strong—you even had daily, virtual Animal Crossing playdates together. Now every day it’s taking him longer and longer to text you back. His response rate used to be 32 seconds, now it feels like the longest three minutes of your life (and you’ve waited for a pregnancy test before).
You know you’re not exclusive, but, um, is he busy video chatting someone else? Does he play Animal Crossing with ALL his matches? A deep Instagram dive might answer these burning questions… just don’t double-tap.
This is the dude you went out with right before social distancing hit. After your date, you were feeling meh about him—maybe you even logged right back into Tinder. But now that you’ve had some time to think about it, the more and more you text him, the more you convince yourself that the date was actually ~magical~. (You forget he brought up his ex before your drinks even arrived).
At this point, you can’t tell the difference between actually, legitimately longing for a second date with him, or just longing to order Frosé at a bar on a date with anyone. Alas, now you have a 36-day SnapChat streak with someone that would suggest your first date wasn’t a total disaster.
He. Wasn’t. Even. Your. Last. Date. Before. This. Shit. Started. When things were normal, you kept rescheduling your second date, then blowing it off, and then rescheduling again. You’d think he’d get the message by now—but every single morning, like clockwork, he texts you: “Good morning.”
You’re bored, so you’ll chat throughout the day (“Wyd?” and “Nm, u?”), and he never forgets to send that “Sweet dreams 😴” as you fall asleep. The textual companionship is nice—but he already seems ready to make things offish with plans to cook you dinner, introduce you to all his friends at Trivia night, and take you on a weekend getaway when this is all over. You know you should really tell him you’re not interested, but you low-key like the attention.
This bro doesn’t understand the whole concept of “social distancing” when it affects how often he is getting laid. I mean, he literally invited you over to his place twenty minutes after you matched on a dating app. When you told him that you’re not meeting up with anyone rn because, duh, pandemic, he responds: “Don’t act like you don’t like breaking the rules every so often ;)” and also that he knows “there’s no way he could be COVID positive.”
FWIW, when all this is over, this is the same dude who’s going to pretend like he doesn’t know what a condom is. Run, do not walk, to your nearest exit.
Just like The Bachelor’s Listen To Your Heart, there is no way you’d be into this if it wasn’t for the quarantine. He lives too far away, doesn’t meet your height requirement, and/or was posing with a sedated tiger in one of his Hinge photos. Since lockdown, your standards have dropped so low that you’re even starting to see the sex appeal in Joe Exotic’s bleached mullet (this also might explain why you swiped right on his tiger pic).
But you keep him on rotation for the sexting because, yeah, okay, it’s pretty good—which is the other reason you for sure will not keep this up once the quarantine is lifted. How could you ever go on a first date with someone who’s already sent you a (solicited) dick pic?
You really have no idea. Your conversations are always light, friendly, and usually revolve around what you’re doing (nothing) and watching (everything). He started calling you “Buddy”…but he also texts you “sup” at 2 a.m. He may even use the iPhone audio feature because he’s too busy to text you anything more than, “WYD?” Is he just bored or is he actually into you? Unclear. And unfortunately for you, this is someone whose time you’d def like to occupy—pandemic or not.
Yeah, he’s been keeping tabs on you. He’s notoriously the first one to watch all your Instagram stories, and finds just about every opportunity to text you. From updating you on what one of your mutual friends posted on the ‘gram, to asking you easily Google-able questions like “What are the best seasons of The Simpsons to binge RN?” He’s annoying, but you secretly love that he has to result in texting his ex during this time. Who knows, maybe it’ll be different this time? (It probably won’t).
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