7 Things You’re Doing That Make You Seem Needy & Insecure

You’re getting in your own way.

We’re all adults here and we theoretically “know” that acting desperate and needy is unattractive. The problem is that acting needy isn’t something that anyone sets out to do deliberately; rather, their low self-esteem just takes over.

Usually, people don’t realize they’re even acting that way until the person they’re dating sits them down and ends the relationship (or worse, ghosts them completely). Even then, it can seem like a total mystery why the relationship fell apart.

Whether the person ever realized it or not, at some point, they fell out of balance and started radiating insecure vibes.

Here are seven signs you’re guilty of acting needy and clingy, and have major insecurity issues.

1. You pre-clear your schedule.

Because you expect your partner to be available at a certain day or time, you block it off in advance without having set plans. While this seems good on the surface — after all, you’re making time for someone — it’s really a problem because you’re likely neglecting your own passions, friends/family, and hobbies.

Make time for each other by mutual agreement, not because you’re holding out a catcher’s mitt for your partner’s attention.

2. You dwell on and over-analyze everything your partner says or does.

Since fear makes us feel uncomfortable, like we’re out of control, sometimes we fight to regain control by analyzing every move our partner makes, believing that if we understand it, we can change it.

Unfortunately, over-analyzing usually causes us to say and do things that seem highly insecure, because we’re dwelling on all of it so heavily.

3. You view other people your partner spends time with as competition.

Do you feel jealous a lot? Angry that your boyfriend spent an hour on the phone with his brother? Or that your girlfriend had lunch with her work friends?

Getting bent out of shape over the fact that they’re spending time with other people is a sign that you’re getting clingy. It’s a huge mistake to indulge these feelings and then give your partner a hard time for sharing their attention with others.

It just makes you look (and feel) controlling and unattractive to them.

4. Your partner actually says they need more time to themselves.

If your partner is actually asking you to back off, then for heaven’s sake, back off.

For any relationship to thrive, both people need the opportunity to rest and recharge away from each other. You can’t make someone love you more by forcing them to spend every waking moment with you. Let the relationship breathe a little.

5. You shower your partner with a flurry of gifts and praise.

Because you’re feeling off-balance, it’s tempting to overcompensate by trying to give your partner everything in an attempt to show them how much you care about them and the relationship (and then hope they reciprocate in kind).

When your partner pulls away, it can feel like the right move is to draw closer, but this is actually a mistake.

6. When they don’t reciprocate, you feel resentful.

If you’re honest with yourself, you’d admit that you’re giving to get something back, be it gifts, praise or simply their attention and affection. This kind of conditional giving is not a good look for you (and you already know that), but often we do this unconsciously.

The test for whether you’re giving authentically (and in the right amount) is asking yourself: Is there balanced give and take in your relationship or does it feel like you’re doing all of the giving? If it’s the latter, you’re probably giving to get, out of a sense of fear or insecurity about the relationship’s future.

7. You try to nudge them into a bigger commitment than they’re ready for.

When we feel insecure and worry that someone is pulling away from us, often we try to pressure them to reassure us that they’ll never leave us. But this insecure behavior and attitude just causes them to want to leave us.

Have you been doing the things on this list? Or, has a past partner driven you away by doing these needy things?

We all feel needy and insecure from time to time. The secret is to face those feelings and handle them in a healthy way to avoid sabotaging our relationships.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is NOW on Amazon!

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5 Ways To Get Over Your Ex (Even When It Feels Impossible)

This is solid advice…

From someone who learned the hard way.

Having trouble learning how to get over a breakup and move on from your ex? Do you miss the way they looked at you? The way they smelled? The way their hand felt in yours? Do you think you see them walking down the street when really it’s a stranger? Do you still hear certain music that reminds you of them?

When someone takes up so much of your life, it’s impossible to get over them in a day or two. And while doing things like reading, walking, working out, journaling, and hanging out with friends can certainly be positive distractions, if you really want to deal with the root cause of the emotional pain you still feel, you’ll have to do things a little bit differently.

I have a secret to confess: I went through a breakup that took me several years to get over. She was intelligent, challenging, loving, kind, and beautiful. We dated for just over a year and the mark she left on my heart was undeniable.

I had imagined our futures together. Repeatedly. I pictured her smiling face looking up at me at our wedding. We had discussed what we would name our children. I fell in love with her, hard. And one day it was all over.

It took several painful years to get over her. Years of hiding myself emotionally and engaging in surface level relationships.

I could have done it a lot sooner if I knew how to properly address what was really going on in my unconscious mind, and I want to help you get through things much faster, by laying out that process in this article.

Emotions are one of the most addictive things available to you. When you are in love with someone, your brain is hit with massive surges of dopamine (brain scans have shown that our minds follow very similar patterns when influenced by cocaine or nicotine).

When you no longer have access to your intimate partner (post-breakup), your brain doesn’t fall out of love with them, it simply continues to be in love with them, but you no longer have access to them. And like a crying baby who doesn’t have access to his mother that it so yearns for, our minds’ “rejector stimulus” is on overdrive.

We simultaneously feel the pain of abandonment, the deep craving for a “fix” of our drug (aka partner) of choice, and our once-regular hits of dopamine and oxytocin are nowhere to be found. In fact, immediately after a breakup, your happy chemicals are replaced with a flood of cortisol (stress hormone) and adrenaline. It’s almost as if your body is saying “Here’s a rush of energy… time to get up! Either work your butt off to get that one back, or go make yourself a more valuable partner and find someone else!”

Long story short, if you were hooked up to a brain scanner, your brain after a painful breakup is highly similar to the brain of a drug addict in rehab. So if you’re getting over a breakup, do these things first:

1. Remind yourself of the good, the bad, and the awful.

Part of the reason we get stuck in processing our breakup is that we idealize the relationship as a big collection of amazing, emotionally fulfilling times with very little downside. In reality, you fought frequently and there were core incompatibilities that drove you apart.

To get a more accurate view of your past relationship, journal about the things that you loved about the relationship, the things that bothered you about your ex, and your part in the downfall of the relationship.

2. Allow yourself space to grieve alone.

Take a few days (at least) to sit with your emotions and let them move through you.

Every time you resist feeling an emotion, it goes down to the basement to lift weights. So if you ignore the frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, or pain that is present in your body, it will only get stronger and come back louder than before until you listen to the signals.

3. Embody the “you” that felt the most stifled.

In any failed relationship there is bound to be a part of you that felt like it was discouraged by your ex. Maybe she didn’t like your playful side, or how much time you wanted to spend with your friends, or how much time you spent working on your business.

Whatever it was that felt dormant, go and inhabit that side of yourself to the fullest degree. You only suffer in a breakup to the extent that you lost yourself during the relationship, so there might be some leftover negative emotional residue if you felt like you weren’t fully allowed to be yourself around your partner.

4. Use your newfound energy for positive growth.

With the surge of adrenaline and cortisol that you get after a breakup telling you to get up and get out (and numb yourself to the pain by partying and hooking up with others), you have a huge opportunity. Get your exercise routine dialed, learn a new skill, or build a new business.

I have had clients who built successful seven-figure businesses from the surge of adrenaline they got from an especially painful breakup. Some of the best art in the world was made by people who had lost love. Utilize this current of emotional energy for your personal gain.

5. See your emotional process as a trend, not a linear path away from suffering.

If you expect your emotional suffering to decrease in a linear A to B straight line, you’re in for a rude awakening. Re-frame your processing of the breakup as something that generally trends upwards and you won’t be as taken aback by the down days (when you see something that reminds you of your ex, smell their perfume on someone, and so on).

So you’ve done everything listed above and it only feels like it’s affecting you on the logical level, and not on the deeper emotional level? Then I have one exercise left for you. And it’s one that gets right to the heart of the suffering.

Think back to your relationship with your partner, remember all of the good times and ask yourself one question: What is the overarching emotional benefit that you got from being with them specifically? It could be something along the lines of “She made me feel appreciated/proud/good about myself.”

Whatever that thing is, one of the reasons that you’re suffering this long after your breakup is because whatever she did for you is still a large void in your life. You may be emotionally and psychologically addicted to your ex because they were your only source of a certain emotion, thought, or feeling that you only got from them.

Some examples of this would be:

  • You have low self-esteem and she made you see yourself through her much more positive perspective.
  • You are reluctant to give yourself any praise for a job well done and she would lavish you with praise and congratulations.
  • You feel directionless in life and your relationship with her gave you a project to work on.
  • You aren’t good at keeping yourself accountable or on track with your goals and she helped you tremendously in this area of your life.

Whatever your ex gave you, you are likely still suffering because you barely give yourself any of the emotional benefit that she gave you tons of. So the action step part of this section is to start giving yourself the thing that she used to give you.

Like a bird who lands on a tree branch only to have it break out from underneath it’s feet, you still have wings. You can make yourself soar without her.

Do I still do mental gymnastics sometimes and begin convincing myself that I’m still not over her? Yes, I do. As do a handful of my clients that are engaged to other women. But our brains are experts at convincing ourselves (logically) that we want things that aren’t good for us (because we want them emotionally).

When I slow down for longer than a minute and think about why we broke up (several times), it was because we weren’t right for each other. She is my ex for a reason, just like yours is your ex for a reason. If it was meant to be then it would have been easier and you both would have fought to keep it going. But now it’s in the past and all that’s left to do is to let go of it.

They came into your life to teach you a lesson about yourself, and now it’s time to gracefully let go of that person. You are better off for having known them, and you both bumped into each other on your life’s journey so you can better prepare each other for your next respective relationships.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing, is now on sale at Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

ANGEL WITH A BROKEN WING is Now For Sale on Amazon! (kindle and paperback)

PUBLISHED!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss

 

The day is finally here, and I couldn’t be happier! This has been a long time coming and a labor of love. I’ve been working day and night to get this baby written, and I think it’s my finest work yet! I hope you enjoy it!

 

I wanted to create something new. Not a non-fiction, compilation of stories from my blog. Something new. A story. A fable. A love story that included all of the elements of all the films I liked. A thriller, road movie, romance, mystery, an action yarn, that would be full of twists and turns.

The world had gone a bit mad, and I wanted to create a world I could control. I wanted it to take place in a time before there were smart phones or social media. A story about a boy and a girl trying to fall in love, during extraordinary circumstances. Let’s put a fancy car in there. Have them drive across the country on a road trip. Let’s throw a bad guy in there. That’ll keep them on edge. Let’s make it a mystery too. Let’s ‘David Lynch’ it up a bit with some interesting, unique characters. Let’s make them all flawed in some way. They all have the potential to be good, but they’re all struggling with themselves. They all want something, but they don’t know the right way to get it. A collection of misfits all trying to find themselves. All broken in some way. They want to fly, but their wings are broken, so they choose to run.

What if you could just run away from your current life?

Christian Blackmore works as a manager at a local finance company in New Jersey. He’s burned out from all the bad loans, and making collection calls every night. He spends his days laboring at a job he hates, and his evenings drinking at a local bar with his best friend. 

When his favorite uncle dies, and leaves him a unique inheritance, he begins to question the path he’s taken in life.

He decides to take a road trip across the country with a woman he just met. She’s a mysterious beauty, who may hold a dark secret. 

What begins as a romantic journey, becomes a nightmare, when he realizes he’s being followed by an elusive stranger. What does he want? Is it Christian, the girl, or something far more sinister?

Angel with a Broken Wing, takes you on a terrifying, coast to coast thrill ride across America. Can one man fall in love, and stay one step ahead in a cat and mouse game with a killer?

You can check it out here:

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss

 

I want to first thank my daughter. Thank you for coming into my life. You are my inspiration. I love you! I can always come to you with an idea and you make it perfect.

Scott Macintosh. You’re my best friend. You’ve been with me since the beginning. Thank you for staying on the ship, even when it was sinking. 

Will Ball. Thank you for your friendship, the films, the laughs, and of course, the cocktails. I’m honored to have you in my life as a friend. 

A.M. Homes. Thank you for answering my letter with a personal note so many years ago. I was so inspired by your words, it gave me the courage to write my story the way I wanted to tell it, without fear.

Thanks to the amazing team at Amazon Kindle. Without you, I’d be lost in a sea of technology. I can write the words, but you guys help me turn them into books.

Thanks to everyone at Amazon. I became a member over 20 years ago when you were just a giant bookstore. After crawling on my hands and knees to agents and publishing houses for years, Amazon finally gave me the biggest platform on Earth to bring my literary work to the world!

A special thanks to everyone at WordPress. Without you, I couldn’t publish Phicklephilly everyday for the last four years! Now we’re a dot com and I’ve monetized the site with ads! You gave me a home to bring my work to everyone! Thank you!

Thanks to all the folks over at GoDaddy. You made the transition from just another blogger, to a dotcom look easy. Thanks for always being there when I needed you. You’re the best!

Thank you, dear readers, and subscribers for all of your support over the years I’ve been writing this little blog. I appreciate you all, and try to respond to all of your comments. I love your comments!

Please buy my new book. I assure you, you won’t be disappointed. It’s quite a ride!

This is a great book to read at the beach this summer!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss

 

 

The people have spoken!

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

 

 

HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SUMMER, EVERYONE…EVERYWHERE!!!

 

Zoolon Forever!