Feeling bored at some point in your relationship is normal. Once the honeymoon period ends, you’ll enter into the comfortable stage. While it may not be as exciting and new as it once was, you and your partner have the opportunity to deepen your bond and solidify your commitment to each other. But boredom in a relationship can be a problem if it happens to you all the time. According to experts, if you constantly find yourself getting bored easily in relationships, there may be something deeper going on.
“Getting bored in one relationship might be a sign that your partner isn’t a good match for you,” Elizabeth Earnshaw, LMFT, certified Gottman couples therapist and clinical director of A Better Life Therapy, tells Bustle. “However, having a pattern of getting bored in relationships over and over again may be a sign that you have an insecure attachment style.”
Your attachment style is developed in childhood and is based on how your parents or primary caregiver interacted with you. If your parents were emotionally unavailable or were inconsistent with their affection, you may have developed an insecure attachment style. According to Earnshaw, you’ll likely feel avoidant and withdrawn when you sense strong feelings of intimacy.
“While pop culture likes to call these people commitment-phobes, in reality most people that struggle to commit and feel bored in relationships are actually just struggling with feeling safe and secure in a relationship,” she says. “They often find that once they begin to feel intimately close to someone, they start to be hyper aware of flaws like boredom.”
Here are some other reasons behind why you easily get bored in relationships, according to experts.
1. You’re Used To More Dramatic Relationships
“People with a more anxious or activated attachment style might be uncomfortable in ‘safe’ relationships that provide security because they’re used to chaos,” Earnshaw says. Instead of looking at a peaceful relationship as something that’s good and healthy, you’re more likely to think of it as a relationship that’s become stale or boring. According to Earnshaw, this can lead you to feeling trapped and you may even convince yourself that this is something you need to escape. “If this is a disruptive pattern in your life, learning to identify your attachment style and working towards getting comfortable with what it means to be securely attached in relationships is the way forward,” she says.
2. You’re Not Allowing Yourself To Be Vulnerable Enough
Relationships are meant to grow over time. As Dave Wolovsky, relationship expert and positive psychology coach, tells Bustle, “They grow when both partners become more vulnerable with each other.” When you’re able to be open and vulnerable, you’ll gain a greater sense of intimacy and connection with your partner. Your relationship will evolve as your bond depeens over time. But when you’re closing yourself off to that kind of connection, Wolovsky says you’re not only limiting yourself, but the growth of your relationship as well. “This eventually causes a stagnation of their own personal growth and that of the relationship, which makes it boring,” he says. Opening up takes time. But if you trust that your partner won’t hurt or judge you, revealing more of your inner thoughts and feelings here and there can be helpful. It’s OK to start slow.
3. Your Communication Skills May Need Some Work
Good communication is an essential part of any relationship. Learning good communication skills takes time. As Bobbi Palmer, relationship coach and founder of Date Like a Grownup, tells Bustle, “A person who is trying to make a relationship work for the long-term will be open to and encourage discussion that helps them learn about their partner’s background, wants and needs, and dreams for the future. The ability to share these types of things is what helps a healthy relationship grow.” A part of being good at communication is being a good listener. If you don’t practice active listening in order to really understand your partner, it’s hard to move your relationship past the superficial. When you aren’t connecting with your partner in a deeper way, it can make them and your relationship seem boring.
4. You Have Unrealistic Expectations For What A Relationship Should Be
For the most part, relationships are great at the beginning. But maintaining a good relationship long-term takes work. If you’re looking for that perfect partner to sweep you off your feet and make all your romance dreams come true, you’re just setting yourself up for disappointment. “This isn’t real life,” Palmer says. “They’re bound to get bored quite quickly and move on.” When you’re seeking that perfect relationship, you’re likely to develop a pattern of jumping into a relationship and losing interest once it’s not exactly how you wanted. “The reality is that a healthy, grown up, mutually satisfying relationship requires equal give and take,” Palmer says. “Both partners show up with realistic expectations of one another, and of themselves.”
5. You’re Not That Into Your Partner
If you find that you get bored in relationships quickly, you may want to look at the types of people you’re choosing to date. “Bored is relative to interest,” Paul Bashea Williams, LCSW-C LICSW, relationship specialist and owner of Hearts In Mind Counseling, tells Bustle. “If you really want to keep the relationship going, you’ll explore new things with the same person as opposed to exploring new things with a new person.” You want to explore why you’re getting bored in relationships. One way to figure this out is to write down what you liked about your previous relationships and what you didn’t like. Take time to really dive into each of your past partners and your feelings about them. If you notice that they have similar traits, you may want to consider dating outside of your usual type.
6. You Think You Know Everything There Is To Know About Your Partner
“It’s too easy to imagine after a while that your partner has no more surprises to offer,” Tom Ella, dating expert and one of the hosts of The Undesirables dating podcast, tells Bustle. “You’ve heard all their stories before, you know all their favorite moves, and ultimately there’s just nothing to look forward to anymore. But that’s simply untrue.” People change all the time, and it doesn’t have to be anything drastic either. For instance, they can have new interests or opinions about what’s going on in the news. There’s always something new to discover about your partner no matter how long you’ve been together. “You need to reshape how you view partner,” Ella says. “You need to see them as a person again, not ‘just’ your partner you’ve seen a thousand times.” If you’re not open to learning more about people, you’re going to be bored every time you get into a relationship.
7. You’re Not Ready To Be In Anything Too Serious
If you really aren’t ready to make a commitment to someone, you may start to check out once things start getting serious. “The slightest conflict, being asked to do something that isn’t what they want to do, or just talk of a long-term commitment can send them fleeing,” Palmer says. When you’re serious about wanting to be in a relationship, you won’t get scared about the work that you’ll have to put in. You’ll likely put in the effort to get creative to find ways to keep yourself from feeling bored.
Again, boredom in a relationship is normal. But it shouldn’t be something that happens all the time and in evey relationship you’re in. If it is, the first step is to figure out why this happens. Is is attachment issues or the partners you’re choosing? Once you figure out your reason, you can make adjustments. Don’t let boredom prevent you from having a healthy and happy relationship.
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