A Sex Therapist Explains If It’s Normal To Sometimes Dread Initiating Sex

There may be weeks or months where you catch yourself wondering: Is it normal to never want to initiate sex? Sometimes, you have moments where you love your partner dearly (and might be able to show some PDA with ease), but you’re consistently not in the mood to follow through on sexy times. Of course, every person is different, and if you’ve never been the one in your relationship who’s always initiating sex, that might just be a personal preference. Still, it could be frustrating for you or your partner.

If you’re not feeling frisky a whole bunch these days, it’s nothing to be ashamed of. Everyone’s sex drive fluctuates over time. And just note: If you’re not 100 percent into having sex, you shouldn’t — if you can’t give enthusiastic consent, that’s a signal that you need to say no to sex.

Susan Segal, a sex therapist who’s seen individuals and couples for about 35 years, says there could be a number of reasons why you’re just not feeling it when it comes to initiating in the bedroom. Anything from your romantic and sexual histories to your body chemistry can be the reason you’ve been slow to get the ball rolling on sex. If you do find yourself being hesitant in the bedroom, there are a number of solutions you can look into that might be just the trick you need.

Your Relationship With Your Past

Alexey Kuzma / Stocksy

For one, Segal says, it could be your sexual history. Painful sex or traumatic events could be holding you at bay. In this case, speaking with a therapist to unpack unpleasant sexual experiences can go a long way.

A fear of being rejected might also hold you back from putting the moves on your partner. Have you ever been in a relationship where attempts to initiate sex were often shut down? If so, you still might be carrying those memories and concerns with you into this new partnership. Here, Segal recommends sitting your partner down and being explicit about what’s up.

When addressing situations like this, Segal has a saying: “Sex goes on between your ears.” That’s to say, you should take the mental and emotional — not just the physical — elements of sex into consideration. Talk to your partner about what’s going on inside that’s causing a roadblock.

Your Relationship With Your Partner, Romantically

Michela Ravasio / Stocksy

Another reason you might not want to initiate sex is because of unresolved beef. One roadblock can be a lack of intimacy or a lack of trust you have with your partner. Not wanting to take the reins on sex can also be a sign of unexpressed resentmentAnger doesn’t always have outward signs. Sometimes, it looks like withdrawing.

“People, when they’re not expressing their anger, tend to be withholding,” Segal says. “They don’t want to give the other person what they want. They don’t want to be close with that other person.”

So ask yourself: Has bae done anything that just pisses you off lately? If the answer is yes, it’s time to put on your grown-up undies and confront the situation head-on. Again, Segal recommends being upfront with your partner. Be honest. Say that you’re feeling resentful and withdrawn, and give them the reason why. That way, there’s a clear direction for the conversation, and you and bae can get to the bottom of the issue.

Your Relationship With Your Partner, Sexually

Bonnin Studio / Stocksy

Sometimes, reluctance to initiate sex with your partner simply comes down to knowing that it’s going to be boring — as harsh as that may sound.

“If someone’s going to do it — have sex the same way, all the time, which a lot of couples get into doing, like a habit — we get bored!” Segal says. “And even if each person is having an orgasm, it can still be boring.”

Chances are: If you’re more excited about Brooklyn Nine-Nine coming back than sex with your partner… you’re probably not going to bother. But there are loads of ways to spice up your sex life.

For starters, one pro-tip Segal suggests is sharing your sexual fantasies with your partner. Often, it’s something they can get in on or at least, get off to. But you’ll never know if you don’t take a leap a faith and talk to them about it.

“I suggest watching porn. I suggest making the fantasy — talking about them and acting some of them out. I suggest taking on different identities. I suggest carving out time for sex,” Segal lists. “A lot of couples get in the habit of just not making the time.”

Segal says some clients do turn their nose up at the idea of “scheduling sex.” Because, of course, adding “have sex” to your iCal might not be the sexiest move you’ve done. But at the end of the day, as Segal points out: If you’re not having sex with your partner (when you want to be) and this is what works, then that’s all that matters. Even if couples have to take a raincheck sometimes, Segal says, it’s a solid first step to finding their rhythm again.

Your Relationship With Your Body

Jovo Jovanovic / Stocksy

Sometimes, the dread comes from lack of body confidence or body dysmorphia.

“If someone doesn’t like their body, they’re not gonna want to be seen naked. They’re not gonna really feel good about themselves,” Segal says. “It can affect someone’s sexuality, even if they wanna have sex.”

In this case, Segal tells her clients to “get in touch with their body.” Sometimes, that looks like exercising. Sometimes, that looks like unfollowing social media accounts that affect your self-esteem, or making a vow to yourself to not drag your body or anyone else’s.

Another physiological reason could be low libido or low sex drive from hormonal imbalances. A specific diagnosis often will be hypoactive sexual desire disorder. Whether you’re assigned male or female at birth, your levels of testosterone or prolactin might be the reason you’re not in the mood in anymore.

Thyroid problems might be the root of these imbalances. The effects of hormonal birth control could also be to blame. If your reluctance toward initiating sex keeps up, Segal suggests talking to your doctor or getting blood work done.

Likewise, antidepressants can affect your sex drive, psychiatrist Grant Brenner told Elite Daily. If this might be the case, waiting it out sometimes works.

“Sometimes, when psychological and relationship issues improve for a couple, sexual satisfaction will improve as overall relationship quality improves,” Brenner said. “This is important because it highlights that even with some degree of antidepressant-induced sexual dysfunction, couples may still enjoy healthy, active sex lives.”

If waiting doesn’t work out for you, Brenner recommended talking to your doctor, seeing a sex therapist, or, ultimately, switching medications to help address the issue.

Whichever combination of solutions you look into, it’s important that you don’t put too much pressure on yourself. Don’t stress yourself out about how fast you can jumpstart your sex drive, how quickly fill up the intimacy gap, or how you’re going to perform in the bedroom. What’s most important is that you feel comfortable, safe, and satisfied with your partner and your sex life.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

SUN STORIES – Tales From a Tanning Salon, Now Available on Amazon

Yes. It’s now available on Amazon.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

I was working at a local media company here in Philadelphia. One of my advertising clients was a tanning salon. I became friendly with the owner. He was always complaining about his staff. I asked if I could start moonlighting there for some extra income.

He immediately hired me. One shift became two, then three, and within a month or so, I became full time. I was tired of working at the media company where I was currently employed. A publication that was no longer relevant in this city. Print was basically dead… but tanning salons were hanging by a thread.

But I enjoyed working there. It was a fun job. I met a lot of great people during my time there. But with every job, there’s always challenges… and temptations.

Sun Stories: Tales from a Tanning Salon, takes you on a sunny, and sometimes dark journey of my time working there. It’s filled with funny, unique, and sometimes cringe worthy tanning stories. But there were other forces at work there. What began as an easy part time gig, slowly evolved into a story filled with love, obsession, sex, and misadventure.

When I was editing Phicklephilly 2, I had a revelation. I realized that Phicklephilly 2 was all about the relationship I was in with my girlfriend, Cherie. The love affair, the passion, and the infidelity of that glorious celebration of two people coming together.

But, I looked at Sun Stories, and saw that it ran parallel to Phicklephilly 2. It was a complete documentation of my work life during that period. Phicklephilly 2 was about my relationship with Cherie, and Sun Stories was my work life.

They’re both happening at the same time. I have to release them together.

That’s my whole life between 2016 and 2018. It’s everything. I have to release them both.

Cherie. I loved her. But after Michelle and Annabelle, I was now armed with how to navigate my future relationships. Secure myself and see what happened. I’d never enter into another relationship without my armor on.

I was working at the media company that was the last cool paper in the city. When I think about going to that publication, I think of Ronnie James Dio. He once said that when he joined Black Sabbath to replace Ozzy Osbourne, he called it, the second coming… or going, of Black Sabbath.

That’s how it felt when I joined this dying publication. I loved all of the people I worked with there, but knew the paper was doomed. It’s greatest days had come and gone. I only did it because I was about to be fired from the start up where I was working. I had such high hopes for what I was going to build with that little start up. The money was great, and I’m forever grateful for that. But they never followed through with the investors to build it out into a national site.

That site is dead now.

It was heartbreaking for me to leave them, but I’m sure the owner was relieved he no longer had to pay me. Why did he never follow through? It makes no sense. I guess I’ll never know. We could have built something wonderful. I jumped to a local free publication and made a go of it. That old publication was in a state of flux, and the changes that unfolded for that sweet paper destroyed the very thing it once was. I worked hard at what I’m good at. Acquiring accounts and building the business.

But the writing was on the wall. They had brought in a fool to run the daily operations. He systematically destroyed the advertising department at the paper. Can you imagine that? The guy gets a job to grow a struggling business and all he knows how to do is ruin it.

He did that. All of the meetings. The Monday morning kickoff meeting. The Wednesday Sales Meeting. The Thursday One on One. He should be horse whipped. He broke the spirit of everybody who worked there.

There are no clients in any of your foolish meetings you silly asshole.

How could he be such a failure as a leader when he seem like such a nice guy?

Detritus.

My father passed away, and I was fed up. I was the only sales guy on the floor. Rocco was a fixture and an account rep. He can’t sell. The new manager brought in a couple of retards, and I could see there was no future there. The place was a rotten husk.

It kind of sucks, because back in the day, I LOVED that publication and the CITY PAPER. They were god to me. If you wanted to see what was up in Philly, they were the papers you grabbed. They were in honor boxes around the city. I would always read them every week. Everything I needed to know was in those sweet papers.

But, here I was working at this anachronism. It was over. My daughter will never touch a newspaper. It’s over. It’s been over since 2008. Print is dead.

Oh, but here we go…

Tanning is dead too.

I had a client who actually spent money with me to advertise his brand. I did my best for him. I believed in his products and services. I gave my all. I came up with creative ideas because I cared. I wrote killer copy for his ads. I did what I’m good at.

I liked it so much, I went to work there to escape the dungeon of selling print advertising in a paper whose epitaph had already been written.

But I had no idea it would open a flower I had never seen before.

This is the most lurid book I’ve ever written.

So let’s begin.

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new books, Phicklephilly 2 and Sun Stories, are now for sale on Amazon!

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

7 Signs You Never Built A Solid Foundation For Your Relationship & How To Fix It

There are a lot of different factors that go into whether or not your relationship lasts. For instance, compatible values or right timing can mean a lot. But according to experts, one of the best ways to ensure that you and your partner will make it, is to build a solid foundation for your relationship. But what does that even mean?

As Vikki Louise, certified life and relationship coach, tells us, “A solid foundation in a relationship is one of honesty, communication and trust, which all come together.”

When you build a solid foundation in your relationship, Louise says a number of things will happen. You will talk to each other with respect and kindness, you will be patient with each other, you can trust your partner, and most importantly, any secrets you may have will be out in the open. Again, it’s all about honesty, trust, and communication. If those three major elements aren’t present in your relationship, you may not have built a solid foundation from the very beginning.

The good news is, you can turn it around right now. According to Louise, “All you have to do is stop the bad habits and start the good ones.” So here are some signs that you might not have built a solid foundation in your relationship and what you can do to fix it.

1. You Like To Vent About Your Partner To Other People

Andrew Zaeh 

“A solid foundation is when two people feel like they get to be each other’s first-point-of-contact,” Yue Xu, host and creator of the Dateable Podcast, tells us. For instance, when you’re having a rough day, your partner is the very first person you want to talk to. But if you’re complaining about your partner to all of your friends and your partner is the last person to hear about your complaints, that’s not a great sign. If you want to turn things around, establish your partner as your go-to person. “Address your issues with your partner before you blab to other people,” she says. “Nobody else will know your relationship as well as you and your partner. So give [them] the opportunity to address your issues before anybody else.”

2. Your Love Comes With Conditions

Andrew Zaeh 

Loving someone unconditionally means that your feelings for your partner will never change no matter what life throws at you. It’s a type of love that doesn’t happen overnight but develops over time. As Louise says, in order to establish unconditional and build a more solid foundation for your relationship, be sure to love your partner for who they really are. “The truth is, we are all human and we are all imperfect,” she says. “Love them no matter what.”

3. You’re Not Completely Comfortable Expressing Yourself

Andrew Zaeh 

Honesty and communication are two key elements for having a truly stable relationship. But it’s impossible to say that you have a solid foundation if you aren’t comfortable being yourself and expressing your true feelings. According to Louise, being your authentic self will help you build a strong foundation. But this can only happen if you’re willing to open up and be vulnerable. As scary as it can be for some, Louise says it’s important to give your partner the opportunity to love you unconditionally as well.

4. Your Fights Center Around The Same One Or Two Issues

Ashley Batz

Rehashing the same issues over and over again will only build walls in your relationship. So leave the past where it belongs — the past. “Maybe your relationship didn’t start off exactly as you wanted and maybe there were things to improve,” Louise says. “That’s OK. Focus less about what you both did in the past and give your energy to the partner you want to become in the future.” It’s important if you truly want to move towards a more stable future.

5. You Don’t Feel Like Your Partner Truly Gets You

Ashley Batz

When you haven’t built a solid foundation in your relationship, you may feel like you can’t express yourself without being judged or belittled. You may also feel like your partner doesn’t actually listen to you when you’re trying to express your feelings. In order to have a solid foundation, relationship expert and writer Jaala Thomas, tells us, “Both parties must begin with mutual respect for each other or a healthy relationship cannot exist.” If your partner isn’t showing you respect, which is pretty basic for any healthy relationship, you may need to reconsider whether this is right person for you.

6. The Person You’ve Gotten To Know Isn’t The Same Person You Initially Fell For

Ashley Batz

Chemistry and physical attraction will only get you so far. “Oftentimes a couple enters into a relationship without asking enough questions,” John Wilder, relationship coach and author of Sex Education for Adults, tells us. When this happens, you may find yourself celebrating your one-year anniversary with a person who doesn’t ever see themselves getting married or having kids in the future when that’s always been your ultimate dream. If you haven’t discovered your partner’s values early on, it’s important to do so as soon as possible. “The best way to deal with these problems is to ask all of those questions before you go any further and get satisfactory answers or you may need to consider ditching the relationship,” he says.

7. You Have Trouble Compromising

Ashley Batz

If the relationship feels completely one-sided, or you and your partner think of “me” before “we,” you may not have built a solid foundation for your relationship. Compromise is key and having the ability to compromise in a way that satisfies the both of you takes time and development. “Forget what you were told in movies,” Louise says. “Great relationships don’t happen by chance. They take work.” It’s pretty necessary if you want a long-term future with your partner.

Although both you and your partner should put in the work to make things change, Louise says it takes just one of you to initiate that change. “Often in relationships, we become mirrors of each other and our behavior is the biggest signal of how we expect to be treated,” she says. “For instance, if I expect you to hang out with my friends, I will spend time with yours. If I don’t want you to spend time with my friends, then I won’t push to spend time with yours.”

In other words, lead by example. If you show your partner that you want a more solid foundation that’s filled with trust, honesty, and communication, they will follow suit. With a little bit of time and work, you can have the solid relationship that you want.

Tales of Rock – 5 Things I’d Rather Get Hit With Than Have To Hear Led Zeppelin’s “ALL MY LOVE”

1. An Acme anvil

A classic. And I’d happily take it straight to the skull if it means I don’t have to hear a second of that wretched Led Zeppelin song. And listen up snooty rock critics, I know that song is about like, Robert Plant’s son or whatever, and I know that shit is sad but you know what else is sad? A weak-ass synth solo that saws your brain in half because it’s not up to snuff. Here are some suggestions to remedy this: if possible, let’s go in and re-record this song with orchestral synth mastermind Hans Zimmer. He’ll add in some slick, brooding arpeggiator shit, some tasteful bleeps, some well-placed bloops, and viola: “All My Love” is now actually listenable. Or, even better, let’s hire some morally corrupt gravediggers and resurrect the corpse of Robert Moog and then have his corpse lay down some sick zombie-synth licks from the great beyond. He’s been dead for what, 14 years? So you definitely know he’s got some never-before-heard synth licks swirling around that dead head of his. Yup, “All My Love” just got 1,000x better, 2,000x spookier, and will now probably win tons of awards because no one’s ever resurrected a corpse and made it re-record synth parts to punch up an old song before. Anyway, if those two options aren’t doable, then yeah, let those Acme goons set up shop in an apartment that overlooks my walk to work and drop that Bible-black death hunk straight down onto me when that song begins to play.

2. A wrench thrown by the ghost of John Bonham

Yup, sure, I’d gladly take a wrench to the side of my face if it’ll distort my hearing enough to not make me hear one note of “All My Love.” John Bonham was the coolest member of Led Zeppelin and getting hit in the auricle region with a wrench thrown by his apparition would be a damn honor. And if I know John, he’s gonna throw two wrenches. One at me, and then a heavier, metal-ier wrench at the thing that’s playing “All My Love.” Why? The first wrench is to knock me out and the second is because he actually went on record saying he “had reservations” about this song and no one took him seriously. This guy rode his motorcycle through hotel hallways, chucked TVs out of windows, threw mattresses into swimming pools, and played twenty-minute drum solos without drum sticks (he used his hands). If he had reservations about something, I would have listened. So please John, throw your damndest, most metal-iest wrenches.

3. A flock of pigeons

Ah, alright. How does this one work though? I’m walking down the street and I catch the beginning sound-whiff of “All My Love” playing from a nearby CVS? Then, all of the sudden, a flock of pigeons start gunning for me? And then they peck and flap their wings at my head, and my ears, and my entire body, and I get flustered and fall to the ground and drop my business briefcase and my important business documents fly out? Then when I’m lying on the ground, cowering and kicking in an attempt to retain physical autonomy, these pigeons continue to peck, squawk, coo, and get ahold of my wallet AND my cell phone? Then they inexplicably start making expensive long-distance phone calls and tearing up my money and credit cards and IDs? And while l’m lying there grief-stricken I realize these pigeons are kinda cold and soulless but their commotion has caused me to worry about my important business documents, my dire financial situation, my soon-to-be very high cell phone bill and NOT realize that the Led Zeppelin song “All My Love” that was just playing from the nearby CVS is now all finished? Ugh! Bravo, pigeons. Well played.

4. A box of VHS Tapes (20 or more)

Wait… what? …I get my walking route to work mixed up, start walking down the wrong street, see some shady guys moving boxes from the back of a van onto a loading dock and then all of the sudden some guy’s like “Hey shit for brains, you lost?! Here’s a box of 20 or more VHS tapes straight to your dome! Bam!” Ooof! Makes total sense though. Because then the VHS tape from the 20 tapes gets wrapped around my head and ears and waist and legs and untangling myself becomes a disgusting, video home system nightmare. But I won’t let my roiling anxiety show, I’ll be cool and stoic and stay focused on walking to work while I nonchalantly drag the remains of 20 or more VHS tapes wrapped around my body. I’ll even pick up my pace a little when a sarcastic youth stands on her stoop and shouts “Here comes the VHS 20 Tape Man! He’s a human husk covered in outdated entertainment!.” My life will be trying after this. Still better than hearing “All My Love” though.

5. A lawsuit

Whatever, don’t care, I’ll go to court. Even if this is some kind of mix-up and the new server guy accidentally handed out the wrong subpoena/summons papers that he was supposed to hand to someone else. Just get me away from that rotten song. I’ll meet with the jurors, I’ll say what’s up to the honorable judge, I’ll laugh out loud when the court officials play the jurors that mandatory video that explains how it’s their responsibility as a US citizen to partake in jury duty. I might even sneak into that small jury room and make some cracks like “Who’s bored?” or “Thanks, Obama” or “This room smells like life, liberty, and the pursuit of farts.” And then, when I’m on the stand doing more lawsuit stuff, I won’t pay attention to the yapping lawyers; I’ll just randomly call out different names in an attempt to guess who the jurors are going to elect as their jury foreman. Whatever, I’ll welcome this confusing rat’s nest of a lawsuit as long as it doesn’t involve a shitty trumpet-synth and the chord progression Am to G to Dm and then a chorus with a C to G/B to Am to F chord progression and THEN a bridge/solo with a Bb to F to Bb to F to Bb to F to C chord progression and then an outro with oh shit, why am I doing this? Now “All My Love” is just playing inside my head. Someone, anyone, please come knock me out.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Phicklephilly 2 is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

How to Flirt with a Coworker Subtly & Learn How they Feel About You

Having a crush on a colleague is hard. You see them every day! Learn how to flirt with a coworker subtly, if you want to move things along.

Ah, that awkward but common situation—having a crush on someone you work with. We’ve all been there at some stage, but did you ever try to move things along and find out if they felt the same way? If so, did it work? If it didn’t, learn how to flirt with a coworker subtly.

The biggest problem with this situation is that if you flirt up a storm and it doesn’t go your way, you continue to see them on a daily basis. It may make life difficult and embarrassing, and as a result, your work may suffer.

Of course, that’s the negative side. The positive? They might feel the same way and you could find yourselves the new hottest couple on the block!

Know your office HR policies

Learning how to flirt with a coworker is about subtleness. It’s a difficult line to walk in many ways, but with a little practice and dedication, you’ll get there. But first, are you actually allowed to have relationships with coworkers?

Not every workplace allows relationships between coworkers, and it varies from place to place as to whether it’s prohibited or allowed. While most workplaces are a little more lenient these days than they were before, it’s still an unspoken rule in many cases.

It could also be that relationships or unions between different staff grades are frowned upon. You can argue until you’re blue in the face whether it’s right or not, but rules are rules. If your job is important to you *hopefully it will be*, then you need to know where you stand before you even attempt to try and flirt up a storm with the apple of your eye.

Most workplaces have a code of conduct manual or document so simply check things out beforehand, but in the most subtle of ways!

Assuming you’ve done that and you know that coworker dalliances aren’t frowned upon, what else do you need to know? Oh, the fact that you’re potentially playing with fire.

Yes, more negatives, but I want you to be armed and prepared before you go into flirting battle.

What if it goes wrong?

I hate being negative, but think about the possibility that either this person doesn’t like you back in the same way, or things go well and suddenly turns sour. Remember, relationships or not, hook up or not, you see this person on a daily basis at work and that could be excruciating for you in some situations.

Your job is important, and whether or not you see yourself staying with that company for the rest of your working days or not, it’s important to be professional and do your best while there. You’re not going to be able to do that if you cringe every time they walk into the office. This could be even worse if you must work very closely with this person.

Of course, it could be equally as excruciating if your crush turns into a full blown love that you must keep quiet because you’re working with this person, and you’re scared to make a move.

The only thing you can do is go with what feels right and what you know you can live with. I had a crush on one of my work colleagues. I told him after we’d bumped into each other in a bar and had a drunken kiss that literally made my life up until that point.

It didn’t work out for me, and it was so embarrassing for so long, but thankfully I didn’t have to work closely with him. I got over it, and while I no longer work there, that wasn’t the reason I left.

So, make your decision, and move towards the successful, but subtle, flirting plan.

How to flirt with a coworker in a subtle, yet successful way

There are four main areas to this tactic:

#1 Body language.
#2 Selective verbal clues.
#3 Creating an air of mystery and sexual tension.
#4 Taking the flirting out of the workplace.

Body language and selective verbal clues are things you can do every single day. It builds up the mystery and sexual tension, which can be taken out of the workplace. For example, suggesting you meet up for a drink after work to discuss a project. Of course, you’re not going to discuss a project, you’re going to flirt a little harder!

Remember, learning how to flirt with a coworker is all about being subtle. Whether or not relationships and unions are allowed in your workplace or not, don’t go around being blatantly obvious about what you want. You are being paid to be professional at work!

A few useful ways to use body language and selective verbal clues are:

– Make eye contact when you speak

– Gently touch them on the arm when you’re speaking

– Bite your lip when you’re listening to them talk

– Show interest in what they have to say

– Get them a coffee or a drink whenever you get one for yourself

– Ask them how their evening was on a regular basis, i.e. showing interest

– Nudge them gently in a playful manner

– Identify mutual hobbies or things of interest and focus on talking about them

As you can see, these aren’t ‘in your face’ flirting techniques. They do get you closer to your crush and show a connection you don’t have with anyone else. By doing this, you create a little tension. Take the flirting up a notch, with eye contact, gentle touching, and lip biting.

Obviously, I don’t have to tell you that you shouldn’t go around touching people if they don’t seem comfortable with it, or in a way which would be deemed inappropriate. Remember, you’re at work! A gentle, but fleeting, hand on the arm when making a point is as far as you should go.

Time to take the plunge

Once you’re sure that your coworker has grasped the idea that you’re flirting and not just being very friendly, and you see signs of flirting coming back your way, suggest a meeting outside of work. Now, as subtle as the rest of the flirting has been, continue the theme when you ask them out.

Keep work ingrained within it if you can. You can back out if they refuse. This will save your face in a big way!

For instance, suggest you meet for a coffee or a drink in the bar across the road after work to continue brainstorming ideas for the project you’re both working on. Or, mention that you’re going to a new bar and they should pop in and check it out for themselves if they’re in the area. Keep it casual. Don’t let on that it’s actually a date you’re suggesting.

Learning how to flirt with a coworker can be difficult. You might not feel you’re showing your crush that you’re interested. The subtle route lets you veil your attempts, providing you an embarrassment safety net.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new books, Phicklephilly 2 and Sun Stories: Tales from a Tanning Salon are now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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When Your Significant Other Misses You, They Send These 9 Texts To Let You Know

Validation is super important in a relationship, and when you and your partner are apart, you may want more reassurance than usual. It feels really good to know your partner wants you and cares for you, but they may not always say it so literally. You and your partner might have those deep conversations about how you feel about each other when you have some much-needed face-to-face time. However, when you’re apart, it can be harder to assess what your partner is thinking and feeling. There’s no reason to panic though. When your significant other misses you, they send these texts. Because sometimes, they show their affection in small, subtle ways.

It’s so important to feel valued in a relationship, and there’s more than one way your partner can show their appreciation for you. Sometimestheir small actions, like asking you to text them when your flight lands or putting your favorite snack in your suitcase, can show just how much they care about you. Communication is one of the most essential parts of a relationship, but when you and your partner aren’t together, things can sometimes get lost in translation. If your partner sends you some of the following texts, they’re communicating that they miss you and enjoy your company a lot.

If You’re Both At Work Or Going About Your Day…

Just the fact that they are messaging you during a busy day means they’re thinking of you. You’re on their mind, and they want to let you know it.

  • “Work is great, but is it 6 p.m. yet? I can’t wait to hang tonight.”
  • “What’s for lunch?”
  • “My coworker mentioned their dogs’ Halloween costumes, and it made me think of your cute dog obsession.”

If You Have To Be Apart For A Few Days…

If you have to leave your boo for a trip, they may try not to overwhelm you with “I miss you” texts. Smaller ways they may say it include checking in with you about when you can talk next or making sure you made it to your destination OK. Flirty things like wearing your sweatshirt are also a sign that they miss you.

  • “In case you were wondering where your sweatshirt is… *sends a selfie of self wearing it*”
  • “Let me know when your flight lands?”
  • “Would you want to FaceTime later?”

If You’re Long-Distance…

Communication in a long-distance relationship is super important. Your partner may not want to continually repeat the phrase “I miss you” just because they don’t want to say it too much. However, they can say it in other ways like sending you a gift or card, or looking forward to the next time you’re together.

  • “Hey babe, check your mailbox when you get home after work this week.”
  • “You left your perfume here, but I am low-key glad you did because it reminds me of you.”
  • “Just two more weeks until we can snuggle again.”

Hopefully, this gave you insight into how your bae shows they really care. And maybe the next time you miss your partner, you can even send them one of these.

 

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7 Things Women Do That Men Find Hard To Resist

While some men look for beauty, there are men who look for factors other than good looks in women. These men go head over heels when they see women doing things that differentiate them from other women.So if you want to attract a man towards you, we have got it covered. Read on.

1. Playing With Hair

Men love when women play with their hair. But that doesn’t mean you have to run your fingers in your hair throughout the day. Men love it when they see you fiddling with your hair when you are feeling nervous. They love it when you flip the hair while turning towards them. Also, when the wind blows a few strands of hair on your face, men find it irresistible.

2. Making Eye Contact

Think about the scenario where you are sipping coffee while maintaining eye contact. This melts the heart of a man. They love it when you communicate with your eyes.

3. Stealing Glances

What could be more tempting than the moment men find you looking secretly at them? Men too love the feeling of being wanted. The moment they come to know you have been secretly crushing over them, men will feel attracted towards you.

4. Biting Lips

While on a date with a man, notice his reaction, when you slightly bite your lips while making eye contact. This makes the man weak in his knees and they become smitten by you.

5. Showing Playfulness

When you let your inner kid come out through little sweet things and laughter, men can go crazy for you. It shows that you can relax and have fun at times. They love women who are still young at hearts and can laugh loudly at their jokes. This makes them feel important and special.

6. Being Original

Being pretentious in the presence of men, can turn them off. Men love women who are comfortable with their individuality and prefer being what they actually are. Though you might be successful in pretending to be someone, the moment men find about it, they will feel betrayed and would no more be interested in you.

7. Wearing Confidence

When you show your confidence, men find it most attractive. It shows that you are capable of taking decisions on your own and do not require any other person to make you feel complete. Men see confident women as potential life partners.

Now that you have known the things that men find attractive in women, we hope you will play your cards right to attract the man of your dreams.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Is Using Dating Apps For Validation A Bad Thing? Here’s The Verdict

On the heels of a bad breakup, Kristina, 27, wasn’t ready to find a new partner just yet. She wanted an easy, drama-free way to boost her confidence — so she downloaded Tinder Gold, a paid Tinder upgrade that lets users swipe through people who have already swiped right on them. “I had a bruised ego … so I loved the idea of getting to pick from men who picked me first,” she remembers. “But most of all, it was a ginormous ego boost.” Kristina found herself using dating apps for validation, with no real intention of pursuing anyone she met online. “Every single time I swiped on a hot guy from the group, it was a match,” she explains. “I was so flattered.”

Kristina was using apps mostly to feel good about herself — and it turns out, this practice is pretty common. According to an October 2019 study by MTV News & MTV Insights, 61% of respondents (ages 18-29) said they’re more interested in discovering who is attracted to them online than actually going out with anyone. That statistic suggests dating apps are basically a forum for public affirmation. And the reason why is obvious — it’s exciting to get that adrenaline rush when you receive a flirty message from someone hot. It’s similar to the validation you feel when you post a fire selfie that racks up tons of appreciative comments on Instagram. Everyone has insecurities, and hearing positive feedback from others can temporarily soothe some of that self-doubt.

“While we are using dating apps in the name of finding love, there’s also a selfishness that appears to be there,” Terron Moore, vice president and editorial director of MTV News, the site that conducted the study, tells Elite Daily. “And I don’t even know that you could blame anyone for that. I think we’re all self-interested in our own way.” He notes that although the study results showed a majority of people are looking for validation, this isn’t mutually exclusive with seeking out a partner. Forty-two percent of respondents said they’re looking for a long-term relationship, and 30% are looking to date people casually — even though they may be hoping to build their self-esteem as well.

Young woman chating or messaging while using her mobile phone or her smart phone during her travelling or waiting the train in the train station

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Kristina admits that her dating spree made her feel “selfish” at times, but she still believes the experience helped her through a difficult phase of her life. “Using dating apps and seeing just how many guys there are out there who would date me helped me feel desirable again after being in a relationship that made me feel so unwanted and lonely,” she says. “I’m not proud of relying on male validation for confidence — and it was just one piece of the puzzle — but it definitely accelerated the process.” Though she planned on staying single for awhile, she met a guy after two months who she “fell hard and fast” for. Now, one year later, they’re still happily together.

Using apps as a confidence boost can also help people keep their romantic prospects at an emotional distance. For Courtney, 24, using Bumble and Hinge for validation is a way for her to protect herself from heartbreak. “I deal with a lot of insecurity [and] anxiety around my romantic relationships, so by using the app more so for validation, I can control the narrative and my feelings.” she explains. She recently matched with one of her college crushes, and she felt comfortable knowing she could end the conversation whenever she wanted to. “It works short-term, kind of like the junk food of a dating life?” she says. “It gives you the rush of knowing someone likes you, without having to deal with the actual relationship or risk getting hurt.”

According to relationship therapist Rachel Zar, many people use apps for validation because this practice feels safe and easily accessible. “The risk — both emotionally and physically — feels low,” she tells Elite Daily. “And the hit of dopamine we get — if short-lived — feels really good.” Without even leaving the house, you can access hundreds of potential matches who will tell you over and over again how attractive they find you. And there’s no real danger in chatting with them through the app, where you can always block their profile if you start to get uncomfortable.

It’s not inherently bad to feel flattered by compliments, Zar says. It only becomes a problem when external validation starts to affect the way you feel about yourself. “It becomes unhealthy when it feels as though you’re relying on how many messages or matches you get to dictate your entire self worth,” she says. “Self-esteem that’s determined by the opinions of others is precarious; it can just as easily be given to us as it is taken away.” You should have confidence in yourself regardless of how others feel about you — otherwise, swiping through dating apps might feel like putting a Band-Aid over a deeper wound. It helps momentarily, but it doesn’t actually combat your insecurities.

IT’S NOT INHERENTLY BAD TO FEEL FLATTERED BY COMPLIMENTS. IT ONLY BECOMES A PROBLEM WHEN EXTERNAL VALIDATION STARTS TO AFFECT THE WAY YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF.

Tracie, 24, found herself in this predicament when she was trying to get over an ex. “My coping mechanism to deal with a breakup would be to distract myself with getting back on the apps instead of just dealing and healing my emotions first,” she tells Elite Daily. “I would quickly get back onto the apps and find myself a rebound … but it didn’t work! I’d still have feelings for my ex, and it would cloud up my new relationship.” She ultimately decided she needed to stop until she had healed from the split on her own. “I definitely was using the apps as a crutch to make me feel like I was still worthy,” she says. “If I keep bringing all the lingering vibes from my last relationship without clearing them, I’m not going to be able to fully commit to another person and be capable of having a healthy relationship. I wanted to stop the cycle and heal myself!”

Tracie was onto something, according to Zar: Seeking out validation can sometimes get in the way of finding a healthy relationship. “It’s important to try to develop self esteem that comes from within instead of from others,” Zar tells Elite Daily. “This means developing a sense of what it means to you to be worthy or to succeed based on your own value system.” And only you can really know how to walk that line. If it means you have to pull back from dating apps for awhile while you work on loving yourself, that could help you come back to the dating scene more aware of what you want in a partner.

Zar suggests setting small, actionable life goals for yourself that you can easily accomplish and can be proud of. “Set yourself up for success by creating goals that actually feel achievable,” she says, “and have tons of self-compassion for the fact that sometimes we all fall short.” Take care of your physical health by prioritizing sleep, social time, and mental space to pursue your passions. You can also consider resources like therapy to help you work through any painful past experiences that might be affecting the way you see yourself now.

AS photo studio/Shutterstock

Besides the fact that using apps for validation can make you feel worse, you might also be leading people on by doing it. According to the MTV study, 43% of people have swiped right on someone who they were not physically attracted to, and 39% have talked with someone they had no intention of meeting in person. For those people who really do want to meet up with their matches, this leads to a frustrating uncertainty about the intentions of others. By chatting only with people you’re genuinely interested in, you can avoid deceiving them.

Moore explains that in some ways, having competing online dating goals — seeking validation vs. seeking love — can be counter-productive. “There does seem to be a gulf between being on dating apps to find love and being on dating apps to feel that self-validation,” he says. Focusing too much on getting that immediate confidence boost can detract you from your goal of finding a real relationship that translates off-line.

But first and foremost, make sure you aren’t relying on apps to mask an underlying feeling of unworthiness. You don’t need Tinder matches to make you feel beautiful, just like you don’t need a partner to make you feel whole. There’s nothing wrong with a little shameless flirting with someone you genuinely are attracted to, as long as it fills your cup rather than making you feel empty. The only person who can truly make you feel loved and valuable is you.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Phicklephilly 2 is now for sale on Amazon!

 

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Men and Women Share the Biggest Red Flags in a New Relationship

Dating is hard. Maintaining your various dating profiles on The Apps is practically a full-time job in itself, and even once you meet somebody, hit it off, and make it past the first date, there’s no guarantee that it will be plain sailing. In a thread on Reddit, men and women have been sharing the warning signs that something isn’t right in a new romance, from minor quibbles to major red flags.

1. Jealousy

It can feel flattering, at first, that your new partner wants to keep you all to themselves — but jealousy often leads to controlling behavior. If your boyfriend or girlfriend acts annoyed every time your attention isn’t on them, if they insist on knowing where you are, who you’re spending time with, even who you’re texting, then you’re in an unhealthy relationship.

Another commenter cites: “When they start complaining about other people in your life and trying to get you to see how ‘bad’ these people are for you.” If the person you’re seeing starts making disparaging or “concerned” remarks about your friends and family, and suggests you’d be better off spending time with just them, well, that’s textbook abuser behavior. Abusive partners will often separate their partner from their support network in order to make them dependent on them. Here’s how to spot the signs that you’re being manipulated by your partner.

2. Flakiness

It’s disappointing if the person you’re seeing texts you to cancel a date, and extra disheartening if they do it more than once. As one commenter puts it: “To an extent life can and will get in the way, but there’s a certain level of enthusiasm you want to see from a potential partner and if they can’t muster it during the honeymoon stage of dating, it’s probably not going to improve later.”

Here’s the thing: we’re all busy. But if somebody really wants to see you, they’ll likely be able to carve out enough time in their busy schedule for a quick coffee date in between their other commitments. Remember, you’re worth other people’s time.

3. The way they interact with other people

Watch out for how your date talks about other people. Do they make harsh judgements about people they hardly know? Are they rude to waiters? Even if they’re being perfectly courteous to you in that moment, this behavior is an indicator of how they treat other people in general, and shows you that it’s possible they’ll act this way towards you at some point.

See also: people who only ever seem to talk about themselves on dates and don’t ask you any questions. “Take note of how many times they’ll say or start a sentence with my/I/me/personally,” advises one commenter, as a time-saver.

4. The way they talk about previous partners

Look, when you’re on a first or second date, the best thing to do is simply not bring up your past relationships. If the conversation ends up going there, be brief. And if somebody talks about their ex in detail, you should listen carefully: it’s entirely possible that they are not over that person, and you might find yourself cast in the role of rebound fling.

Equally concerning is if the person you’re seeing says that their ex is “crazy”: this often translates to “they behaved in a way I found inconvenient,” or even “I cheated and they responded emotionally.” And if they insist that all their exes are assholes? Well, you know what the common denominator there is. “If ALL their exes are jerks, it most likely means that they are the jerk,” says one commenter. “The two crazies I dated both spoke this way about ALL their former relationships.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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What You Shouldn’t Share With Your Partner, According To Experts

You share your heart with your partner, and in some cases your bed or even your dog, but beyond what you’re happy to share, there seems to be a lot of gray area. Toothbrushes? Secrets? Sweatshirts? Friends? It’s all subjective, but rules give couples shared meaning and understanding. Though sharing your life with your partner to some extent is a given, maintaining autonomy is important too. Bustle talked to experts about what you should and shouldn’t share with your partner in the literal sense, to create some loose framework for couples to establish boundaries, together. Because sometimes these conversations are not fun or intuitive, and it’s easy to quickly establish bad habits that are hard to break.

According to clinical psychologist Alexandra R. Lash, what’s off limits for one couple might be fair game for another, and that’s OK. The most important part about drawing boundary lines is that they feel fair to both people in the relationship. Here, with the help of Dr. Lash, Dr. Niket Sonpal, an internist and gastroenterologist, Ed Shaheen, Jr., DDS, MS, and Neuropsycholoigs Dr. Sanam Hafeez, we’ve put together a list of things that individuals often feel protective over and established well-balanced perspectives on each of them. Just because you and your partner are close enough to share your personal items or feelings with each other, doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

1. Passwords & Devices

According to Lash, when it comes to sharing your phone, computer, and device passwords, it really depends on what works for the individual couple. “It’s up to the culture of your relationship,” Lash tells us, going on to explain that whatever feels comfortable is what’s right. “Relationships are about being in touch with each other’s world, but having respect for individuality and privacy, too,” Lash explains. And while she doesn’t see a utility in sharing all personal conversations with your partner, she expresses that it’s important to explore each other’s feelings if there’s a disagreement on the matter or differing values and comfort levels.

2. Bathroom Space & Habits

Some couples prefer not to share their bathroom time.

Shutterstock

Lash explains that the level of comfort when it comes to sharing a bathroom or bathroom habits is contingent on the person. “Some people may grow up with many siblings or limited bathroom space and don’t have as strict a standard of privacy when it comes to bathroom habits, while others may grow up with the ability to use the bathroom privately and rely on that privacy to feel comfortable. Or one member of the couple may grow up in a family culture that values openness and they did not appreciate it and want more privacy in their adult lives or vice versa.” Lash explains. Meaning, there’s no rule of thumb when it comes to deciding what is and is not appropriate in the bathroom.

Some couples are happy to brush their teeth together, carry a conversation on while one person is on the toilet or in the shower, while other couples prefer to keep their bathroom activity private. “It’s important to discuss your comfort level with your partner — it’s not about saying you should be able to go to the bathroom in front of your partner, it’s about saying you should be able to discuss what is and isn’t comfortable for you both.”

3. Razors

It might seem harmless, and we’ve all done it or thought about it in a pinch when there’s only one razor in the shower, but Sonpal tells Bustle that “borrowing your partner’s razor for a quick touch up could spread not only bacteria, but it could also spread more serious blood-borne pathogens like hepatitis B and C.”

4. Nail Clippers

Don't share nail clippers with your partner.

Shutterstock

Because most people don’t regularly clean their nail clippers, an accidental nick could lead to something really serious. Sonpal tells Bustle that you can “spread hepatitis C, fungal and bacterial infections” all through nail clippers.

5. Friends & Social Lives

While Lash says that having “mutual connections can be ideal,” she also recognizes that it’s important for couples to have alone time with their friends, too. That said, nothing is technically necessary when it comes to splitting up or sharing your social lives, so long as both people are comfortable with the breakdown, it’s OK. The only situation that concerns Lash is extremes. For example, “excluding your partner regularly is not OK, but having separate social lives to some degree is.” According to Lash, the goal should be to have have social practices that feel fair to each partner.

6. Antiperspirant

Don't share deodorant with your partner.

Shutterstock

You probably don’t think of your armpit as a germ zone, but according to Sonpal, it is. “Trading germs from one armpit to another is as easy as borrowing someone’s antiperspirant. Deodorants are less risky when it comes to sharing because they usually have an alcohol base. The alcohol makes your skin acidic and less attractive to bacteria. Antiperspirants are another ballgame since they typically have aluminum which blocks sweat pores, not bacteria.” So if you use antiperspirant, don’t share it, no matter what. According to Sonpal, it’s one of the most germ-ridden things you’ll find in your medicine cabinet.

7. Earbuds

Though borrowing headsets might seem harmless, Sonpal tells Bustle that you should reconsider it. “Although earwax is natural ear protection, earphones trap the once-innocent bacteria in the wax. Any wax building up on earphones traps and grows this bacteria, which could lead to infections.” Aka, you should regularly clean your own headsets and definitely keep them to yourself.

8. Solo Sexual Health Practices

Your porn habits are your own, no need to share with your partner.

Oleg Elkov/Shutterstock

“I don’t feel it’s necessary that a partner alerts the other every time they watch porn or masturbate the same way you don’t call the other every time you eat a hamburger or listen to a song on Spotify,” Hafeez tells Bustle.

While it’s good to have an open dialog about personal sexuality (in the same way a healthy relationship allows for an open dialog about everything), Hafeez explains that neither person should feel like they have to disclose this information. So while deleting your web history after watching porn or pleasuring yourself in private is totally within your rights, it’s not completely necessary either.

9. Toothbrushes

Though in theory it might seem like swapping spit with someone is no different than using their toothbrush, according to Dr. Shaheen, the latter is much, much worse. “If you use something for oral health, don’t share it with anyone,” Shaheen tells us, no matter how much you love them. If you want to clean your mouth, shoving someone else’s germs in it has the opposite effect.

When you spend time with your partner in the same living space, it’s important to have clear boundaries to not only ensure your comfort and happiness, but also your health. If you live with your partner but have not had a serious discussion about what you should and should not share, it’s never too late. And if you’re spending a lot of time with your partner and things are getting serious, take the time to flesh out these boundaries so that you don’t create bad habits together.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Phicklephilly 2 is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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