New Car – Part 2

1984

I remember when my dad and I went to the dealership to look at the car. At that time they had a few white ones and a couple blue ones. I really liked the white one. I had never seen a car like this before. I loved that it looked like a spaceship and had flip up headlights like a Corvette.

We worked out the financing and my father basically made the deal. I was too busy drooling over the car. I had the VW minibus, and then the Fiesta, but this was a brand new car.

My car.

I remember when they made delivery of the car, I was so excited. I clearly remember this exchange with my dad.

“I love this car! It’s so beautiful! I can’t believe it’s mine!”

“You will when you start making the payments on it.”

My dad being the banker, made the deal on the financing, and didn’t want me married to a car payment for a long period of time. The sooner I could get it paid off, the sooner I’d have equity in the car, and be free of the payments.

But what that caused me was an incredible financial hardship. The payments were around $300 a month and I really wasn’t making much money back then. I was married to that car for years. It sucked. I wished he would have done a 60 month deal, but what did I know back then? Zilch. I just wanted to drive a cool car.

When you’re a young man and you get your first new car it’s like a rite  of passage. It’s like the car becomes an extension of yourself. It becomes part of your identity because you don’t have much of one yet. It’s like someone handing you a box full of cool. It’s your chariot. The stereo booming, while you speed down the road in your machine of metal is a feeling like no other.

I know that many men never get past the importance of owning a cool car. Sadly, there are so many underdeveloped men that feel that they are defined my driving an exotic and/or expensive automobile.

I’ve known men that think that if they drive a high performance car they’re successful or powerful. When in reality, most women don’t care about cars, and they’ve invested their money into a depreciating asset.

The moment you drive your car off the lot it begins to lose value. Why would you want to invest your money in something that’s a money pit? I remember talking to a man with real wealth who told me this: “Don’t look at what kind of car the guy drives… look at his house. Anybody can lease a nice car and live in their mom’s basement.

But at age 23 it was an incredible rush to own a cutting edge, never seen before, cool car. I remember it being described as the “technological flagship” of the Subaru line.

I found these photos in an old album of mine.

There’s my baby right in front of the house in Wildwood, NJ!

Loved that car!

I remember I was working at Circle Liquor in Somer’s Point, NJ. There was a girl named Lori that worked there that I was in love with. I don’t think she held the same feelings for me, but I did go out on a couple of dates with her. Her dad worked at the Showboat Casino, and I think she just worked there until her dad could get her a job at the casino.

I went to pick her up one night, and it was snowing and I cleaned all the snow off my car out front of her house so she could see the car. But she didn’t really care about what I was driving or me for that matter.

She was really pretty, and I just couldn’t get her to fall for me. She ended up going to work at the Showboat, but I stayed in touch with her.

I remember one night I was supposed to meet her for dinner in Somer’s Point. I drove up there and was at the restaurant. She was supposed to meet me there and didn’t show up when she was supposed to. I called my friend Ferd as to what to do. “Order Johnny Walker Black on the rocks and stay cool. She’ll show up.”

I was an anxiety ridden mess as usual back then and my nerves were shattered. I ended up calling her at a payphone and talking to her. I may have spoken to her two times that night while I was waiting. She eventually bailed on our date and I knew I was dead in the water.

I sadly drove home in my iron steed.

I talked to my father about it, and he said the following. “Maybe she doesn’t want a guy who works at a liquor store. A warehouse type. She works at the Showboat now. She probably wants a better class of man.”

Thanks for grinding my self esteem even lower than it already was, dad.

Those kind of statements are what propelled me to get a job in a bank like him. I figured if I had a good job, I would be able to get a quality woman.

Little did I know that that would be the beginning of some of the worst decisions of my life. 20 years in banking. Marrying a girl who came from a nice family for all the wrong reasons. It was the beginning of me losing my true self. But millions of men have made the same choices and been miserable for decades.

I remember describing my future wife to my dad and why I wanted to marry her. His response was, “That sounds like very republican thinking.”

But you’re the one that told me to be more than a warehouse worker, dad!

They’re all equal now, and none of it means anything to me from where I stand in my present life, but these were defining moments.

I loved everything about the car. I just felt so good when I was in it and driving around. I remember when it was new I’d be stopped at a light and people in the car next to me would look at it and say, “What is that?”

It was that cool in the mid eighties. I loved being that guy.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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New Car – Part 1

When I got back from California in 1984 the VW minibus was on it’s last legs. (Or wheels!) After 14 years of loyal service to my family it was put out to pasture. It had been with us since 1970 when my sister Gabrielle was born. We went everywhere in the van, and it passed from my dad, to Janice and then me.  We had a lot of great memories in the van, but it’s time was done.

1969 Volkswagen Minibus – 1969 to 1984 – Part 1

1969 Volkswagen Minibus – 1969 to 1984 – Part 2

My dad hooked me up with a vehicle to get around in now that I was back in New Jersey.  It was a German built Ford called the Fiesta, that was built to compete with the popular VW Rabbit at the time.

It was a weird green color with a brown interior.

I liked that little car. The Fiesta got great gas mileage and served its purpose to get me back and forth to my job at Home Video Centers in Northfield, New Jersey. (Even though it looked like a granny smith apple.)

I drove that car for a couple of years, until it too began to fail. I wanted to pick out my own car and make the payments. I had saved a little money for a down payment on a car, and wanted something cool. I talked to my dad about it, and having a job but no credit, he agreed to co-sign on the loan for me.

After some thought, I decided on this.

The Suburu XT Coupe.

The Subaru XT was a 2-door coupé that was produced from 1985 to 1991. The XT was sold as the Alcyone in Japan, the Vortex in Australia and New Zealand, and the XT (with the EA-82 four-cylinder engine) or XT6 (with the ER-27 six-cylinder engine) in North America and Europe. All were available in front-wheel drive or four-wheel drive, depending on the year.

The Subaru XT was launched in February 1985 in the American market, followed by a June debut in Japan. The Alcyone name comes from the brightest star in the Pleiades star cluster, on which the Subaru logo is based. The XT range was replaced by the Subaru SVX in 1992.

XT series 

By the time the XT was launched, Subaru had already produced vehicles with very different styling compared to other vehicles of the time period. The XT, first introduced in February 1985 in the United States (June 1985 in Japan), was a wedged-shaped departure from the 1970s-influenced curves of the previous models, aimed directly at the styles emerging in the 1980s. The XT Turbo 4WD made its European debut at the March 1985 Geneva Motor Show. When introduced, the New York Times called it “the ultimate in jazzy design”, in contrast to Subaru’s older “cheap and ugly” offerings. The XT was the first Subaru to stray from earlier models that offered a practical application, in that the XT wasn’t designed to carry loads or for commercial uses. The 2.7-litre flat-six sold in Japan was the first Subaru to exceed government engine displacement regulations due to the engine being over 2000 cc, and as such was regarded as a luxury vehicle. It also obligated an elevated annual road tax due to the engine’s size.

Aerodynamics

The extreme wedge body shape was possible due to the engine’s flat horizontally opposed cylinder layout shared by all Subarus. Extensive wind tunnel testing was used to lower wind resistance and even “aircraft type” door handles were used that were totally flush with the outside of the door. To open the door, it was required to push a hinged panel out of the release mechanism’s opening. There is one 22 inch windshield wiper, when not in use tucks under the hood, and rubber spoilers before each wheel well opening doubled as “mud guards” but really acted to direct airflow smoothly past the tires and wheels. The result was one of the most aerodynamic production cars of its time with a coefficient of drag or Cd. of 0.29, improved fuel economy, and a quieter ride due to reduced amounts of wind noise.

Aircraft-inspired cockpit

The inside of the car had many aircraft-like features such as pod mounted lighting, climate control and wiper controls. The standard tilting-telescoping steering moved the instrument panel to keep it lined up with the steering column when tilting. The shifter was joystick-shaped and had a thumb trigger interlock and “on-demand” four-wheel drive button. The approach to steering wheel adjustment was also seen in the Isuzu Piazza and the Ford Probe introduced earlier in the 1980s. Turbo models featured a sort of artificial horizon orange backlit liquid crystal instrument display with the tachometer, boost indicator, temperature and fuel gauges seen as three-dimensional graphs tilting back out to the horizon. The aircraft cockpit approach reflected influences from Subaru’s parent company Fuji Heavy Industries, which also manufactured aircraft, such as the Fuji FA200 Aero Subaru.

The XT was loaded with features rarely found on small cars, such as a turbocharger, a computer-controlled engine and transmission, adjustable height suspension and an optional digital instrument cluster. The air suspension was inspired by various manufacturers who used Hydro-pneumatic suspension, such as Citroën, and Mercedes-Benz. The XT also had some features found on few other cars, such as an electronic in-dash trip computer, retractable flaps covering the door handles, and a single wiper blade for the entire windscreen. Pass-through folding rear seats and racing style front seats were standard equipment.

While the XT was an interesting design exercise, it did little to grow Subaru’s sales. The company has seen much more widespread success in the significantly more mainstream Legacy, Legacy Outback and Impreza WRX models introduced in recent years.

More tomorrow!

 

 

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The Chill Way To Ask Someone Out Is Even Easier Than You’d Think

Having a secret crush can be fun for awhile, but until someone makes a move, it can’t possibly go any further. Maybe there’s someone you’ve had your eye on for months, and you want to gather the courage to ask them out on a date. But how can you do it in a way that doesn’t freak them out? The chill way to ask someone out all comes down to confidence… and being straightforward about what you want.

Ambiguous relationships are everywhere today. Dating apps give people the ability to meet someone new at the flick of the thumb, and so often, new relationships get caught in the trap of “casual” dates and hookups where neither partner wants to express what they really feel. “People are often afraid that their partner doesn’t think of the situation the way they do, so that could lead to some hesitancy when it comes to giving it a title,” college student Mhaya Polacco told us in a roundtable conversation about modern relationships. If you blatantly express interest, you’re placing your emotional cards on the table, and thus opening the door for a relationship — but also a potential rejection.

This isn’t to say that casual, no-labels dating isn’t great, if that’s what you’re looking for. But unfortunately, it’s easy to get so caught up in being “chill” that you hide your real feelings for someone. If you do want to pursue a relationship, the very best thing you can do is just tell the person you’re interested in them. It’s that simple! If your crush is the right person for you, they’ll find it sexy that you told them how you feel, point blank.

Happy young interracial couple pretty african american woman and caucasian man boyfriend laugh flirt enjoy fun conversation on first date, mixed race teen girl in love talking having fun at meeting

Shutterstock

When you’re ready to make the first move, remember that regardless of the outcome, you should be proud of yourself for being honest. The more you can let go of anxiety, the more confident (and yes, “chill”) you’ll come off. “Remind yourself that you may like this person and feel really excited about them, but you do not need them to say yes,” confidence coach Dr. Aziz Gazipura told us. “Paradoxically, the more you let go of needing them to like you, the more relaxed you become, and the more likely it is they indeed will like you!” People are attracted to effortless, positive energy, so if you put that out into the world, you’ll be naturally charming to everyone around you.

Before you ask your crush on a date (whether it’s over text or IRL), ease into it with a casual conversation about your shared interests. “Starting a casual conversation about anything light and easy … will ease your way into asking the question,” explained life coach Susie Moore. “Just getting started is what matters! Remember that people are just people, and they don’t have to make you nervous. And if you don’t ask — the answer is always no!”

Simply saying, “I’d love to get to know you better. Would you like to have dinner/drinks/coffee?” is probably the chillest, most attractive way to tell someone you’re into them. Showing your emotions in a vulnerable way is sexy, and anyone who makes you feel like you can’t express yourself isn’t worth your time. If you ask a direct question, you’re more likely to get a direct answer, so you won’t get stuck in the loop of “are we or aren’t we” that plagues so many people trying to gauge one another’s interest.

As much as you and I may have been led to believe that “chillness” means “ambiguity,” I think it’s time to reclaim the word to mean “honesty.” Because what’s better than being straightforward about telling someone, “I’m into you”? Relationships are built on vulnerability, so if you start things out by being brave, you’re setting the stage for an open line of communication down the road. And if it doesn’t work out, then hey — at least you got clarity so you can find a fresh start.

 

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Tales of Rock – The 40 Greatest Metal Albums of All Time (And my opinion of this list!)

From Black Sabbath to Korn, here is the definitive list of records to break your mother’s heart (unless your mother happens to be Lita Ford).

This is not my list, it’s a list I found online. I will comment accordingly.

40. Spinal Tap – This Is Spinal Tap and Tenacious D – Tenacious D

Metal’s tough to satirize—even when it’s not actively tongue-in-cheek, it’s self-parodic. As Spinal Tap, actors Christopher Guest, Michael McKean, and Harry Shearer, deadpan as Stonehenge monoliths, bluster through eerily plausible “hits” like “Hell Hole” and “Sex Farm,” burlesquing every metal cliché in existence. The more stripped-down Tenacious D (Jack Black and Kyle Gass) swing a bigger schtick: absurdism, penis jokes, and the most heartfelt tribute to Black Sabbath’s second singer ever written.

39. Kid Rock – Devil Without a Cause

The first rap-metal icon who actually seemed to like metal, the pyrotechnic, dwarf-tossing, greasy-cheese-burger-guitar-solo sense of the term. (Fred Durst’s love of Tool doesn’t count). The Kid kicks outlaw clichés like he invented ‘em on the slow-ridin’ hit “Cowboy,” but the real pimp-ring gem is “Only God Knows Why,” where the American bad Ass flips everybody the “Freebird.”

38. System of a Down – Toxicity

Second album from L.A.’s finest Armenian-American metal band. Singer Serj Tankian trips out on the joys of jumping around and the mysteries of jet pilots smiling over the bay; the band slams no-nonsense riffs into half-remembered melodies that make them sound like Sepultura from the old country. A bout instrument that still cuts like an X-Acto.

37. Skid Row – Skid Row

Whether you’re facing prison time (“18 and Life”), rebelling against amorphous authority figures (“Youth Gone Wild”), growing despondent over lost love (“I Remember You”), or merely showing an interest in huge breasts (“Big Guns”), quasi-femme frontman Sebastian Bach understands you. A peerless concept album about being young, kicking ass, and having excellent hair.

36. Kyuss – Blues for the Red Sun

A desert-fried, punk-damaged translation of neo-Sabbath doom, Blues balances guitarist Josh Homme and bassist Nick Oliveri’s avalanche rumble with Brant Bjork’s Norse-god drumming. The album that packed the bong for countless stoner-rock bands to follow, including Home and Oliveri’s Queens of the Stone Age.

35. Ministry – The Mind Is a Terrible Thing to Taste

On which heroin cowpoke Al Jourgensen ditches ’80s death-disco for self-destructo industrial metal, a sound somewhere between chocking the chicken and strangling an android. Songs like “Burning Inside” and “Thieves” administer DIY tonsillectomies; the grinding dirge-dunks “Never Believe” and “Cannibal Song” are Black Sabbath for the Sega Age.

34. Ratt – Out of the Cellar

On their major-label debut, these L.A. ozone-layer-depleters give Cheap Trick’s glitter-cannon pop craft a Dumpster-diving makeover. “Round and Round” and “In Your Direction” are the kind of swashbuckling doofus-metal anthems Dirk Diggler from Boogie Nights was too stupid to write; Ratt’s Stephen Pearcy is just stupid enough.

33. Danzig – Danzig II: Lucifuge

Producer/metal tastemaker Rick Rubin brings out the bell-toned tenor of former Misfits and Samhain vocalist Glenn Danzig, not to mention his wounded heart. A burly torch singer undone by his sympathy for the devil, Danzig channels Roy Orbison on “Tired of Being Alive”; “Long Way Back From Hell” hollers the blues from the lonely end of AC/DC’s highway to you-know-where.

32. David Lee Roth – Eat ‘Em and Smile

Diamond Dave’s first solo album is actually the last great Van Halen album: disco-metal in the epicurean spirit of Diver Down, mathematically shredded by guitarist Steve Vai and blasted by Roth’s elephant gun. Dave butchers “That’s Life” at the end, but it makes perfect, beautiful sense—if he’s not the hair-metal Sinatra, who is?

31. Deep Purple – Machine Head

Recording on the shores of Switzerland’s Lake Geneva, these hollow-eyed British stoners shred (occasionally), boogie (intergalactically), show off their huge organs, and contribute thoroughbreds like “Highway Star” and “Smoke on the Water” to classic rock’s table of warhorses. Moral: It’s all fun and games until “some stupid with a flare gun” burns down the Swissötel.

30. Sepultura – Roots

Death metal as world music as universal horror-flick soundtrack. After dipping a steel toe in the sounds of their native Brazil on 1993’s stellar Chaos A.D., Max Cavalera’s pre-Soulfly band go native, mixing tribal chants, polyrhythms, and norte americano ringer Jonathan Davis of Korn with political fury and into-the-abyss guitar.

29. Alice in Chains – Dirt

How bleak is this needle-and-the-damage-done song cycle? Let’s just say the most hopeful song is about the Vietnam War. Ten years before finally succumbing to heroin addiction, singer Layne Staley scratches out the rough draft on his epitaph; skimming grunge mold off a Southern-rock bog, guitarist Jerry Cantrell proves an able pallbearer.

28. Bon Jovi – Slippery When Wet

Jon Bon Jovi had it all—dreamboat looks (or great teeth, anyway), brilliant anthems (“Wanted Dead or Alive”), semi-decent anthems (“You Give Love a Bad Name”), makeup music for eighth-graders (Livin’ on a Prayer”), and a guitar player who wanted to be a cowboy (Richie Sambora). No wonder that Jersey sumbitch was always smiling.

27. Soundgarden – Badmotorfinger

Back when Chris Cornell was Seattle’s finest hair farmer and Kim Thayil was America’s smartest Ace Frehley disciple, Soundgarden were—despite their protests to the contrary—a metal band. The arena-rock vocals on Badmotorfinger sound like Ozzy (or maybe Steve Perry!) at the Fillmore East, but the gnarled guitar licks pounce like leather-clad Sasquatches.

26. Ozzy Osbourne – Blizzard of Ozz

Debut of the Ozzy and Sharon show, in which the Prince of F*&@ing Darkness (Ozzy) and the future present of Dead Guitar Heroes of America (Randy Rhoads) snort a batch of Womble dust, attempt to make a straight pop album, and accidentally invent speed metal.

25. Van Halen – 1984

Like Space Mountain with a big frizzy wig on, 1984 is the pinnacle of ’80s Ferrari-rock excess. Eddie shreds AstroTurf, Alex pounds plutonium, Michael orders another Jack and Coke, and Diamond Dave announces his intention to make mad passionate love to the entire continent of North America. And that’s just during “Jump.”

24. Iron Maiden – The Number of the Beast

The introduction of Bruce Dickinson as Satan’s howling mouthpiece defined the new British metal aesthetic—no gloss, no girls, two guitar players going for Baroque. What made Maiden seem Spinal Tap-ish was also what made them (arguably) the most influential metal act of the ’80s—they were pretentious, but their pretensions made them aim higher than anybody else.

23. Queens of the Stone Age – Rated R

The problem with writing about Queens of the Stone Age is that there aren’t enough synonyms for the word “heavy.” And Josh Homme’s black-hole guitar tone—constantly expanding and contracting, like an iron-studded blowfish—seems to require every one of them. If you triple-majored in biochemistry, horticulture, and philosophy, this is your metal.

22. Blue Cheer – Vincebus Eruptum

The best ’60s power trio that didn’t feature a guy named Hendrix or Clapton. Guitarist Leigh Stephens, singer/bassist Dickie Peterson, and drummer Paul Whaley churn out louder-than-God lava rock that melts down everything from rockabilly (hit cover of “Summertime Blues”) to blues (“Rock Me Baby”). Proto-metal, but also the birthplace of grunge.

21. Megadeath – Peace Sells…But Who’s Buying?

The only jazz-metal album that doesn’t suck. Adding bop to their speed-metal blitzkrieg, Metallica’s arch-nemeses turn thrash inside out: pogoing arpeggios, knotty fretboard acrobatics, beats that tumble mullet-over-heels down the stairs. Singer/guitarist Dave Mustraine’s paranoid sneer conjures more bad mojo than a month of Black Fridays.

20. Poison – Look What the Cat Dragged In

“You gotta cry tough,” Pennsylvania pretty-boy Bret Michaels informs us right up front. By which he means that girl metal is twice as stupid and ten times cooler than boy metal and that talking dirty in your old man’s Ford is what rock ‘n’ roll is all about.

19. Motörhead – No Remorse

No one merged punk velocity and metal atrocity quite like these British biker thugs. Of their 932 albums, this two-disc best-of offers the most trounce to the ounce: ashtray-licking blues riffs, Lemmy Kilmister’s “Macho Man” Randy Savage bellow, those dive-bombing double kick drums. They looked like warthogs, but, God bless ‘em, they rocked like warthogs, too.

18. Aerosmith – Rocks

Eventually, they got their own roller coaster (at Disney-MGM Studios theme park). Here, these Beantown malcontents are their own roller coaster. While his loose-limbed band bolls Led Zeppelin, the Rolling Stones, and the New York Dolls in dirty Charles River water, Steven Tyler sings and wriggles like the Stones’ logo come to lustful life.

17. AC/DC – Highway to Hell

The final curtain for singer Bon Scott before he choked on his own vomit. Raw but not sloppy, sex-starved but not sexist, this is the last AC/DC effort that feels like the work of extremely talented shop students.

16. Def Leppard – Pyromania

Not a serenade, just a fire brigade. On their 1983 breakthrough, Def Lep dusted British pub metal with ’80s studio glitter (courtesy of hard-rock production don Muff Lange); “Rock of Ages” and “Photograph” drop-kicked ’70s dirtbag swagger into the space age. Joe Elliott screams to Valhalla, the guitars roar like two-ton blow-dryers, and drummer Rick Allen kicks ass even with a superfluous appendage.

15. Korn – Follow the Leader

Mook-metal’s darkest hour and change. Translating gangsta rap’s thudding nihilism for kids stuck in res-room purgatory, Head and Munky’s wiry, tuned-down riffing and singer Jonathan Davis’ latchkey lyrics reinforce key metal tenets: Girls can’t be trusted, adults just want to abuse you, life sucks, and nobody cares. A 21st-century Beavis and Butt-head would know every note.

14. Black Sabbath – Vol. 4

Never heavier and rarely crazier, Ozzy inhales a cornucopia of Columbian blow, travels through time, and delivers the first (and perhaps last) truly industrial metal album. Most valuable player: Tony Iommi’s harsh exit-wound guitar.

13. Slayer – Reign in Blood

“Bones and blood lie on the ground / Rotten limbs lie dead / Decapitated bodies found / On my wall, your head!” On this inadvertently avant-garde bloodfeast, singer/bassist Tom Araya narrates Holocaust-footage lyrics like an overeager sportscaster; guitarist Kerry King and Jeffy Hangman trade weed-whacker/bee-swarm solos until Satan gives ‘em a raise. Death metal was all downhill from here.

12. Rage Against the Machine – The Battle of Los Angeles

Page and Plant meet Chuck D and Flavor Flav. Harvard-educated guitarist Tom Morello twists riffs till his scales of justice squeal like wheels of steel; Zach de la Rocha chases ghosts through El Norte’s killing fields, winds up a raving loco on a street corner in the city of dreams, gets to the end of his rope, and finds a noose.

11. Mötley Crüe – Shout at the Devil

Per the liner notes, Shout was recorded on “Foster’s lager, Budweiser, Bombay gin, lots of Jack Daniel’s, Kahula and brandy, Quackers and Krell, and wild women!” “Krell” is Crüe-speak for cocaine, which might explain why the band dressed like sexually confused Decepticons while shouting in the general direction of Lucifer. Not particularly heavy, but hardDave Grohl in ’91 was basically Tommy Lee in ’83.

10. Judas Priest – British Steel

K.K. Downing and Glenn Tipton’s massive twin-ax hooks and Rob Halford’s righteous hooligan lyrics partied hard, loved harder, and brought Priest as close as possible to mainstream rock without sacrificing metal’s leathery odor. The pop pinnacle of the New Wave of British Heavy Metal.

9. Tool – Ænima

With grunge in its death throes, these stinky-fingered Hollywood gnomes revived: a) the two-song LP side (what, you bought it on CD?); b) the acerbic ranting of deceased comedian Bill Hicks; and c) labyrinthine, proggy-assed concept albums. Singer Maynard Keenan gives Rollins-style angst a Robert Smith makeover; guitarist Adam Jones steers art-thrash over the dark side of the moon.

8. Kiss – Alive II

Every hipster claims to adore Alive!, but this sequel captures Kiss at the height of their kabuki powers, incinerating “Detroit Rock City” and “Calling Dr. Love” like dinosaurs from the planet Lovetron. Hirsute frontman Paul Stanley has said that this double LP is “as live as it needs to be,” which probably means “not very.” But who digs Kiss for their integrity?

7. Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin II

Before metal was metal, it was everything else. Jimmy Page’s expressway-to-Stonehenge breakdown on “Whole Lotta Love” is a freight train to No Wave; “Heartbreaker” beats Sabbath to sludge by a year; “The Lemon Song” pulls Moby’s break-beats-and-field-recordings trick 30 years early (no Pro Tools, so John Bonham just belts Robert Plant in the ‘nads till the juice runs down his leg); and “Moby Dick” still kicks the Melvins’ asses.

6. Van Halen – Van Halen

California surf-rock for kids in Nebraska who wanted to run away to New Jersey, Van Halen was metal as universal pop—loud (but not too loud), fast (but not too fast), heavy (but not too heavy), and funny (at least on side 2). David Lee Roth sings like he’s trying to nail your kid sister (which he is), and the rhythm section is almost robotically perfect. Oh, the guitar player ain’t bad, either.

5. AC/DC – Back In Black

Producer Mutt Lange gives Angus Young’s Zen-perfect riffs a platinum sheen, and pub-primed singer Brian Johnson ably fills the late Bon Scott’s trousers. Every song shrieks pure meathead rock, but for three and a half flawlessly lewd minutes, “You Shook Me All Night Long” makes being a meathead the acme of sexy cool.

4. Metallica – Master of Puppets

These bare-knuckled Bay Area thrash kings imagined “speed metal” as a stark urban landscape and redefined the architecture of the power ballad. James Hetfield’s rhythm guitar chisels a concrete jungle, then his Jagermeister-soaked bark reduces it to rubble. Cliff Burton’s bass provides the shadows; Kirk Hammett’s eerie, elegiac guitar solos bring the light.

3. Black Sabbath – Paranoid

They sounded way scary, but Sabbath were really just working-class yobs from Birmingham, England, who acid-tripped over the formula for Pure Evil Rock and figured writing doom-saturated anthems about war, fairies, and robots beat punching a clock at the steel mill. On Paranoid, Tony Iommi’s guitar and Bill Ward’s drums wrestle in the mire, Geezer Butler’s bass simulates a herd of iron men trampling the countryside, and Ozzy’s bad-mood-rising bellow blots out the sun.

2. Led Zeppelin – Untitled (Alias “Led Zeppelin IV” a.k.a. “Zoso”)

Led Zeppelin’s fourth studio album—1971’s unnamed “Zoso” (so called for the enigmatic symbols on its cover)—is the most famous hard-rock album ever recorded, not to mention a watershed moment for every grizzled old man who’s ever carried a bundle of sticks on his back. “Zoso” is not Zeppelin’s best album (Houses of the Holy) or their heaviest (Physical Graffiti) or even their “most metal” (Led Zeppelin II). However, it’s the defining endeavor for the band and the genre it accidentally created. Epic, ethereal, and eerily sexual, “Zoso” is the origin of everything that sounds, feels, or even tastes vaguely metallic, except maybe Metallica and that metal sludge from Scandinavia (which derives from Black Sabbath’s Vol 4).

1. Guns N’ Roses – Appetite for Destruction

The singer is a paranoid redheaded Midwesterner with an eight-octave throat and a white leather suit, and he’s too cool to realize he can’t dance. The longhaired guitarist plays blues/metal/punk/jazz/thrash riffs at Keith Richards’ pace; the shorter-haired guitar player smokes cigarettes and gets in fights. The bass player is from Seattle, before it became cool. The drummer thinks he’s in a disco band. And it all sounds like Hollywood at 2 a.m., only genuine and dangerous and absolutely necessary.

Which metal album do you think is the best?

10 Brilliant Pick Up Lines That Work On Tinder

Here’s a cute little collection.

There are some who do underestimate the role of these messages or just fail to recognize it. However for the majority of us it is just so difficult to master those game-changing lines of online communication.

We feel pressure because we surely want to bring out our best self. Maybe you want them to think of you as confident, friendly, mysterious or funny. The challenge is how can you say so much of yourself within just a few phrases?

What you have to do is to change your view and approach about messaging on Tinder. There are surely different ways you can achieve this, but the following list of Ten Best Tinder Openers Which Work on Tinder compiled will help you get there in no time.

Do you believe in love at first swipe?

If there’s a thing that turns on every girl on this planet is definitely confidence. Girls fall for guys who are enough confident on themselves to express their feelings, opinions and intentions whatever the consequences. This message contains the word love which is related to serious long-term intentions so it will make the girl feel special and loved. Plus it is a question and questions have this potential of making someone thinking over it unintentionally. Last but not least it has a much-needed dose of humor which helps you to appear more funny and attractive.

Really dude, are you a trash because I would like to take you out?

In terms of emotions, most guys tend to be monotonous. This is to say they only prefer a certain range of emotions. Girls on the other side are prone to experience a full spectrum of emotions. They look for guys who can make them feel an emotional rollercoaster. This pickup line does exactly the same thing. At first the girl might get irritated but at an instant she will see your point and want to keep the conversation going on. Again you appear very funny which is a plus for your attractiveness. If her reaction is positive don’t hesitate to ask her for a date.

It seems God has given you everything except my number

Girls adore flirtatious guys but not at the cost of their own pride. They just don’t want to be seen as easy targets. For some girls asking them directly to go on a date might ruin your chances. In such cases, finding another alternative route is the best idea. This is why this pickup line works on Tinder. She will think of you as very committed to achieve your goals but also cautious to respect her.

I have lost my phone number so I was guessing if I can use yours

Similar to the one above, this is one of the very best pickup lines on Tinder that will get you a date. Instead of stating your intentions straight which for some girls might not work as expected getting her number first is a great deal. Think about it: you would give your phone number to somebody unless you like that person or have a feeling there might be a chemistry between you. Communication through phone will help you a lot because it engages another sense: hearing. It is a perfect way to spark an initial reciprocal interest. Once you get her phone number you can spend some time communicating through your phone and as the conversation keeps going you can ask her for a date.

Can I ask you a question? Oh sorry two questions because I already made one.

Funny, polite and bold. This is the impression she will have for you once you send her this message. Questions are a magic tool to make someone curious especially with girls. But the problem is most girls receive tons of messages of guys seeking permission to ask for something. Nobody owes you an answer. The second part of this pickup line will give you the advantage if not for anything else it’s because will make her laugh and girls love to laugh a lot.

I’ve never seen more beautiful eyes than yours. I wonder if they look the same in real life.

Compliment is a typical flirtatious behavior especially when it’s done at the right time on a proper way. Girls fall easy for compliments because it makes them feel beautiful, desired and confident. She probably hears lots of different compliments but there is hardly any thing else that can move her heart than a poetic, romantic and sexy compliment about her eyes. Because as the saying goes “eyes are a window to one’s spirit”. What’s even good about these words is that establish a sort of invisible addiction so she won’t just skip that message but we’ll keep herself engaged and you can then convince her on a date.

Hey sweetie would you like to be my Tinderella?

If you would be able to delve deeper into the mind of your Tinder crush, you would find that there still lives a little Cinderella who dreams of being the starring role on her own fairytale story. A message like this will uncounscily make her wonder if you’re the prince she’s been waiting for and will definitely agree to go on a date with. Give it a shot.

What is your ideal format for a date? Mine is DD/MM/YY.

Expressing your intentions straight is a sign of confidence, openness and sincerity. Girls do appreciate these personality traits and they would not hesitate to go on a date with a guy who is like that. In addition, when all these combine with your unique sense of humor it is almost for sure that you’re on her list of guys who she would definitely have a talk in real life.

I thought angels belong to paradise but since you’re here, let’s go on a date.

Trust your intuition. If you think she’s kind of a person who believes on first-sight love stories or those played on movies a strong romantic expression will reframe her thought patterns toward you. Pay attention to how this message is formulated. It would have a little different meaning if you would say it like “but since you’re here can we go on a date?”. That’s because her irrational thinking would start making calculations whether you would be a perfect “match” or not. You won’t appear as arrogant because the first part of the sentence is your alibi. It is a way of saying “look, I feel like we’ve been created for each other and I’m decided to make this thing happening”. Ready to love but never to give up, simple as that.

Are you a vegan? Because I would definitely like to meet you.

Just pray she’s not vegan because if otherwise then this pickup line message would make your chances of having a date with date girl disappear. If she’s not then it will create your image of funny and creative guy with whom everyone would like to spend time with. She will feel desired and might try to act like a hard-to-get chick, but a few moments later she will admit she finds you interesting and will eventually accept to go on a date with you.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

What to Text a Girl You Just Met to Ensure She Texts You Back

Congratulations! She gave you her number, but now you need to know what to text a girl you just met. Lucky for you, I have all the answers.

Before we get into what to text a girl you just met, relax for a second and congratulate yourself. You met a girl and she gave you her number. You are already doing amazing.

So, try not to freak out. There is no perfect thing to say or miracle sentence that will get her to date you or even text back. Just breathe and take a second.

This is just a text. It is not something you need to fester over for hours. 

Texting a girl you just met

When it comes to texting a girl you just met, it is not all that complicated. Relax! It is actually pretty hard to screw up.

As long as you stay true to who you are and how you were when you met, things should go swimmingly. But, just in case you need some extra guidance, there are things to avoid.

One thing you should not text a girl you just met is anything sexual. I don’t care how confident or horny you are feeling, that is never appropriate. This girl gave you her number which is a private thing, so respect that.

Next, don’t immediately ask her out. That may be your end game but have a little bit of a conversation first. You don’t have to talk for days before making your move but a brief conversation will be smoother.

Also, do not wait for days to text her. In the 80s or 90s, it was “cool” to wait three days before calling, but we’re like two decades into the new century and everything is instant. If her Uber Eats driver can get her McDonalds in under 15 minutes, you can text her within a reasonable amount of time.

It doesn’t have to be as soon as she leaves wherever you met, but maybe once you get home for the night or after work. Text her within 24 hours of meeting so that you are fresh in her mind. If you wait too long you won’t look cool, she will think you aren’t that interested.

These are just some basic essentials to stick to when figuring out what to text a girl you just met, but let’s get into some more specific options.

What to text a girl you just met.

The main goal of texting a girl you just met is to get a text back. That is the number one priority. From there, worry about asking her out and setting up a date, but for now, focus on the first text you send a girl you just met.

What should your first text say?

#1 The classic. Keep it short and sweet. This text does not define your future. You do not have to come up with something unbelievably amazing. Simply say, “Hi it’s *YOUR NAME HERE* from *LOCATION YOU MET HERE*. I had a great time talking to you today.”

It may seem boring, but it gets the point across and shows your interest. 

#2 The flirt. Jumping right into the first text with something a bit more flirtatious will definitely catch her attention. If you were doing some heavy-duty flirting when you first met, this may be the ideal way to go.

You don’t have to be over the top with this. Simply say something like, “Hey it’s *YOUR NAME HERE*. You know, the guy you couldn’t stop staring at today.”

This introduces your personality and gets the conversation off to a good start.

#3 The clever. If you are full of sarcasm and humor, introducing your texting relationship with a joke is ideal. It will give her a good idea of what’s to come, and humor is always a wonderful way to keep a conversation flowing.

Something like this is cute and clever, “This is an automated message from *YOUR NAME HERE*. Reply YES if you wish to receive future messages. Reply STOP to end all future communication with *YOUR NAME HERE*.”

If someone sent this to me after meeting I would definitely reply yes. And I know this isn’t what you want to think about, but this gives them a chance to let you know if they’re not interested without ghosting.

#4 The compliment. Go with a solid compliment, but try not to make it solely superficial. You can tell any girl she is pretty or you couldn’t help but notice her, but complimenting something deeper you noticed when you met her will show that you were really paying attention.

Try something like, “Hi, it’s *YOUR NAME HERE*. I couldn’t wait to get home to text you. I was really impressed by your positivity today.”

This can be anything from her success in business to her dedication or intelligence. She will appreciate a compliment like that more than any physical one. But, avoid saying she is not like other girls. That is not a compliment, but a dig at other girls.

#5 The continuation. Pick up where you left off. She probably gave you her number because you were having a pretty good conversation when you met, so use what works. Continue on with what you were talking about or doing when you met.

A text like, “Hey it’s *YOUR NAME HERE*. Did you end up catching that game? Crazy, right?” or “I looked up what you mentioned earlier, I can’t believe it. How did you find out about that?” should do the trick.

This really helps ensure you will get a reply because it is open-ended. 

What to text a girl you just met after she responds

If she responded to your first text, you are in the clear. Relax. She answered which means she is likely at least a little interested. You don’t need to try to impress her, just be yourself.

You can either carry out the conversation a while and get to know her better or ease into an ask out right away.

If you want her to know you are interested in dating her, make that clear. Say something like, “I would love to continue this conversation over drinks.” This will show that you don’t want a virtual pen pal, but you intend to see her again.

Not everyone is keen on meeting up again so soon so if that’s you, don’t worry. You don’t need to ask her out right now. Carry out your conversation a little, and when the time seems right, ask her out.

Maybe she said she just made dinner or came home from dinner.  Ask her what she had and then recommend a great restaurant you know that you would love to take her to. A smooth transition like that makes it less of a shock.

Texting a girl you just met does not have to be this anxiety-filled experience. Remind yourself that she gave you her number because she wanted to hear from you.

As long as you stay confident and true to yourself, you will know exactly what to text a girl you just met to ensure she responds.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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How To Flirt In 2020: A Modern Manual

Flirting should be as intuitive as a call of nature. Both are driven by basic urges, and both can bring some of the greatest satisfaction known to man. But while our bathroom technique grows ever more comfortable (aloe vera paper, come to papa), flirting can feel like that moment you discover the roll is bare and not even Alexa can help you.

So, what’s changed? For starters, our wingman. Back in ancient times – so, around 15 years ago – your wingman was an actual man, whose bar chat set a benchmark to beat. Today, the third party connecting you to potential dates is a software company, which increases findability and speed but decreases the social cues, like facial expressions and body language, that let you know if someone is really into you.

“When messages and apps reduce this feedback, our brain fills in the gaps. If our brain is horny, this can create confusing and inappropriate situations,” explains Dr Bernie Hogan, who researches personal social networks at the Oxford Internet Institute. “We’ve gone from the romantic subtleties of touching someone’s leg during a movie on a third date to thinking, ‘Do they want sex or not? I’ll send them a dick pic to find out’.”

 

Making your intentions clear, without overdoing it, is now more complex than how much Dior Sauvage to apply with your date night outfit. “Post-#MeToo, some men feel reticent to make a move at all,” comments dating coach, Hayley Quinn. While an instantly-at-your-palm porn culture breeds frustration when real-life encounters fail to match the zero-to-bedroom-hero theatrics of the laptop screen.

“We now have more single people who’ve never had sex than in the history of sex studies,” confirms Dr Hogan. “People oscillate between dating’s fear of rejection and the easy self-gratification of porn. But there is a middle ground, where a little seduction will go a long way.”

Smart flirting is your GPS there. The good news is that you already have all the tools you need, and none of them come from your crotch. There’s a reason why that area is nicknamed your junk.

How To Flirt: A Modern Manual

Do Take Flirtation Offline

In-person flirting might feel like the landline of the dating world, but it’s the only effective signal-reading test. Dr Hogan encourages people to go IRL with date ideas, ASAP.

“Whether it’s a coffee, a walk in a park or dinner, you get a shared context to talk about as opposed to ‘we’re on a dating app, we share images of each other’.” Stay digital and your inner sleuth (AKA your inner crazy) will search the internet to fill in what you don’t know about the other person.

“You think it’s harmless, but you’re building up a picture which may not be what they want to share with you. This creates distance, not closeness.”

Don’t Bombard Their Social Channels

Proof that we’re the luckiest and laziest generation in history: you don’t even need to join a dating site to find millions of images of potential singles. But are social platforms like Instagram, or even LinkedIn, fair game?

Dr Hogan’s research found that acceptability varies by culture. More gregarious countries – Brazil, Spain, Italy – were much more likely to use social networks than ‘quieter’ cultures, such as Nordic countries, which preferred very structured dating apps. “The problem is when you cross a context that someone doesn’t expect,” he heeds. Take LinkedIn.

“Contact someone solely because you find them attractive and it’s very easy to push too hard, making them feel disempowered instead of respected and autonomous.” On image-heavy platforms like Instagram, it’s even easier to decontextualise someone to the point where you’ve liked 170 pictures, doused them comments like you were throwing salt on your chips, and you haven’t just slid into their DMs, you’ve vomited all over their inbox.

“This intensity can come across as obsessive. It’s not just unsuccessful, it can be threatening.”

Do Pay Attention To Feedback

It’s the most important F-word at work (even if a shorter, ruder one sometimes springs to mind), and feedback is equally pivotal in dating. Why? “Because there is no chat-up line in the world that is so wonderful that it can persuade someone of something they don’t feel, or aren’t open to,” says Quinn.

“Interactions are co-created, and if the other person seems disinterested or uncomfortable, take the feedback and leave it. If you send a DM and don’t get a response, move on.” It’s not a case of rejection, it’s about prioritising and investing your time in people who want to reciprocate.

Don’t Get Graphic With Compliments

Used subtly, compliments are a natural in. Speak from the pants, not the heart, however, and you’ve fast-tracked yourself to sleaze. Firstly, implied beats explicit, urges Quinn. ‘I just had to come and talk to you…’, which implies attraction, is less invasive than a comment about their legs.

Next, keep it simple. ‘You have a great smile/accent’ is less creepy than gushing, ‘I really like how you’re so XXX, that’s just so amazing,’ which feels too intense. Thirdly, focus on personality. “It’s a lot more meaningful when someone validates who you are versus what you look like,” she adds.

Do Use Touch…

…but look for reciprocation. Quinn has a great way of viewing physical contact: “Touch is a conversation between two people,” she explains. “It should never be a man repeatedly touching a woman to try to turn her on.” Start with a light, brief touch to someone’s arm.

If reciprocated, move a little closer or hold the touch longer. It’s also fine to ask, ‘Can I give you a hug? I didn’t want to overstep the mark’, which is far better than assuming and lunging. Done right – and reciprocally – touch aces connection and trust.

Don’t Say ‘Hey’

According to Alex Durrant, CEO of dating app, Jigtalk, ‘hey’ is the most common opening line on apps – but also gets the least responses. You get out what you put in, and a one-worder – or, worse, one waving emoji – will not cut it.

For the first contact, personalise your message towards something on the person’s bio – say, ‘I bet you’re into cooler music/films/sports than me’, which invites a response. Once the ice is broken, have some get-to-know-you questions on hand to kindle the chemistry.

Madeleine Mason Roantree, a dating psychologist at London matchmaking agency The Vida Consultancy, directs clients to 36 Questions In Love – a ready-made list of conversation prompts, such as: Would you like to be famous? What is your most treasured memory? What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

Do React To Social Media Stories

“People use Instagram Stories and Snapchat to pour out their emotions. React or reply to these – which tend to be more personal than curated Posts – and you have a higher chance of building up a meaningful connection on these channels,” suggests Celia Schweyer, a dating expert at DatingScout.co.uk.

Keep contact casual and focused on things you have in common – ‘I really like this too’ (about a favourite food, say) or ‘I didn’t know you were into this! Same!’

Don’t Get Naked

Not, like, ever. But all of our experts agree that a nude photoshoot is best confined to a relationship, “where both parties are mutually interested and comfortable receiving images,” says Mason Roantree. Memes (clothed ones) and emojis express interest without offending the other person or being too explicit. In short: don’t be a dick, or send one.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

The Unspoken Rules of a One Night Stand

It’s always good to be on the same page.

Before Tinder, one night stands were a lot more difficult. You had to show up to a bar, be the most charming version of yourself and hope that someone was brave enough to go home with someone they’ve spoken to for 5 minutes. But the wonderful world of online dating changed all of that. One night stands are way more accessible and way more common than they used to be.

You still have to be charming enough to write a swipe-rightable profile and string a few sentences together in chat, but if you can bypass that very low barrier of entry, you’ll be on the train to one-night-stand town. But, once you arrive, there are a few unspoken rules that any decent human being should abide by. Make your expectations clear

While we may not always know that we’re headed for a one night stand before it happens, you can be upfront about your intentions from the get-go. If you know you’re only looking for something casual, just say so. That way you can avoid hurt feelings or expectations of things going further.

Message them before you even meet up, or if you happen to meet in person (but what are the chances of that? What year is this?) mention something before things go too far. They should be able to decide if it’s worth their time and energy to pursue something casual with you. If they’re looking for something more serious and all you want is a quick fling, they may leave the interaction feeling used. It’s important to be honest.

Say something like:

You seem like a really cool person, plus you’re super cute (which is a bonus). I’d love to meet you irl/ continue to get to know you, if you’re up for it. But I want to be upfront and let you know that I’m not currently looking for anything serious. If you’re still interested in going further, that’s awesome. If not, I totally understand!

Bring the necessary tools.

Make like the Boy Scouts and “always be prepared.” You don’t have to bring a survival kit, but there are a few things you should always have on hand when prepping for a one night stand.

1. Protection

Don’t expect that your hookup will have protection, always bring your own. You don’t want to be caught in the heat of the moment and need to stop because neither of you came prepared.

Pop a few condoms/dental dams/contraceptive sponges/whatever floats your boat, into your wallet before you head out. But, if you happen to forget, remember that most bar bathrooms are equipped with machines, or you can stop by your local corner store for emergency supplies. Make it part of the adventure!

2. Money

Don’t be caught without enough money to get home after the fun is done.
You may find yourself on the other side of town. You need to make sure you have cab or bus fare to make your way back home. Budget it into your evening expenses so you’re not stuck and frantically texting friends to come find you.

It’s not fun to feel like you’re trapped or reliant on someone (especially your date) to get you home. Practice premeditated independence and be financially prepared to get home.

Post-Sex Tips

Once everything is said and done, be sure to follow the proper etiquette so everyone feels comfortable.

1. Be prepared to leave.

If the one night stand is at their place, you should be prepared to gtfo, unless you’re specifically invited to stay the night (and that means without any prompting or hinting from you). There’s nothing wrong with staying the night and waking up together the next day. Maybe you could even grab some brunch. But it has to be what everyone involved wants.

Some people may not be comfortable having you sleep over. They may need to process the experience by themselves, or maybe they just prefer to sleep alone. No matter the reason, you need to give them their space.

Which isn’t to say that you need to run out the door as soon as the sexual activity is over, but you should stay aware of body language and verbal cues that it’s time to leave. Then collect your things (all of them) and don’t forget to thank them for hosting on the way out

2. To Ghost or Not To Ghost

I’m not going to lie. Being ghosted sucks. If you had a good time on your one night stand, but don’t feel the need to see them again, send them a polite text the next day saying just that.

“It was nice meeting you yesterday. I had a great time and loved learning more about you. That being said, I do want to leave this at a first date and wish you nothing but the best! Good luck with [add personal details about goal they were working on]. Take care!”

I know that the whole idea of a one night stand means that you don’t see each other again, but it’s still super classy to send a follow-up text thanking them for their time. And maybe something you thought would be a one night stand turns out to be something more long term. If you want to see them again, there’s no harm in asking.

One night stands can be an absolute blast. As long as you play safe and respect the boundaries of your short term partner, it can be a great experience. Even the ones that don’t go entirely to plan give you more insight into what you’re looking for in the future. So get messy, awkward & weird and enjoy each other in however short the time may be.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

7 Warning Signs Your Partner Is A Control Freak And What You Can Do About It

If you’ve recently started asking yourself “When did this relationship go from being a loving romance to an emotionally draining battlefield?” and you’re wondering how to distance yourself from the toxic partner you’re currently with, it could be a sign that he or she is trying to control, and even command your relationship.

1. Guilt-tripping

Control freaks are skilled manipulators and will play you into believing that you are being controlled for your own sake, and you being resistant is serious disrespect. They can enter your head and make you believe that your relationship is quite normal. They may even give you examples that most people behave the way they do. They will guilt-trip you for fighting with them and being unable to understand their love.

2. They keep an overactive scorecard

There is a sense of reciprocity built into healthy and stable relationships. You look out for each other, and you don’t keep notes of every little you do. If he or she keeps score of every interaction within the relationship – whether it is to hold a grudge, demand favors as payback, or simply be patted on the back – it may very well be their way of keeping you under control. And this can be downright emotionally draining.

3. They are trying to isolate you from your loved ones

The only way someone can gain unquestioned control over you is if they isolate you from your loved ones. This is one of the most apparent signs of a controlling person and it is additionally one of the most dangerous as it presents a high degree of manipulation.

If your partner is controlling, they may not only detest you spending time with the important people in your life but may even attempt to turn you against them (“Your mother/friend sure treats you like garbage”), so you think distancing yourself is a positive thing.

4. You feel like you need to hide innocent things from them 

Let’s say you decide to attend a spontaneous happy hour after work or unexpectedly meet a friend on the street and get sidetracked catching up. Have you consciously found yourself avoiding to tell your partner about it? If there are many little secrets you feel like you need to keep from your partner due to fear of their judgment it may be a sign he or she is controlling.

5. They spy on you 

A control freak normally thinks that they have every right to know what you are doing at all times. Whether they secretly spy on you or outright demand that you share everything with them, it is all a violation of boundaries. Maybe they check your phone, log into your social media account, or restlessly track your browser history, and then justify their actions by saying they have suffered before, have trust issues, or the golden: “If you aren’t doing anything wrong, then why do you care?” It’s an attack on your privacy coupled with the unsettling message that they have zero interest in trusting you and rather prefer to take on a detective-like presence within your relationship.

6. They treat you more like a child than an equal

When you lived with your family growing up, you could not leave the house dressed in certain ways or come home after certain hours. It wasn’t a cool experience, but after all, that’s what parents are for. Your partner, however, should always treat you as an equal.

Strict rules on who you spend time with, what you eat, or how you spend your free time are not alright. It is a form of excess possession and projection that can be seen as flattering, but at the same time very damaging.

7. They drown you in criticism 

Similarly to isolation, criticism is something that often starts small. You may attempt to convince yourself that your partner’s criticism is warranted, or that they are simply trying to help you become a better person. Or they may try to make you feel that it’s normal, saying that it isn’t such a big deal or that you shouldn’t take it personally.

But in the end, regardless of how small an individual criticism appears to be, if it is part of an ongoing dynamic with your relationship, it would be very difficult to feel accepted, validated, and truly loved. If all the small things you do could use some improvement in the eyes of your partner, then how exactly is it that you are being valued as a true equal, never mind being loved unconditionally

What you can do? A single one of the listed signs probably doesn’t mean you’re in a controlling relationship – especially if it happens rarely.

Maybe your partner had a moment of weakness and read a message you received on the internet.

But if a good number of these signs construct a controlling pattern, take timely action before the behavior becomes abusive.

Try to share how you feel with your partner. Don’t jump to saying things like “You’re controlling!” and instead try “I feel distrusted when you tell me I cannot hang out with my friend.” Your partner may be open to hearing that kind of language.

The next step is to try reaching out to those friends and family members who you have been avoiding since your relationship started. After all, they will be your main source of support who can help you in navigating your relationship challenges and will give you the validation and strength necessary to make level-headed decisions. Should your relationship start to slip into abusive territory, those people will be your main pillars of support and will help you get out.

In addition, you can try convincing your partner to accompany you into seeing a relationship expert. And if they refuse, you should perhaps seriously consider ending the relationship. There is no reason for you to be with someone who understands that their controlling behavior makes you miserable, but doesn’t feel the need to do anything about it.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it with your friends and family. And don’t forget to share your thoughts with us in the comment section. 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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How to Have a Casual Relationship Without Getting Hurt or Betrayed

If you’re wondering how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt, it’s not easy. Be sure of your decision, and approach with caution.

I don’t want you getting hurt needlessly in a casual relationship gone bad. And the hurt occurs whatever side of the coin you’re on! Follow these 12 not-so-easy ways for how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt.

Sometimes a person is placed in your path who you want to be with badly. This feeling might push you to do something you would advise someone else not to do. For example, embarking on a casual relationship that has no chance of going anywhere, simply for the pay off of getting to spend time with that person.

You might tell yourself that they’ll change their mind. They’ll want to be with you once they get to know you properly.

This is a common situation. In fact, most people have been in it at some point. I know I have. The thing is, casual relationships take a certain amount of strength and emotional control, otherwise you risk of getting hurt.

The best of intentions can still land you with hurt

Okay, I’ll admit, sometimes someone tells you they want a casual relationship because they have no clue what they really want. After spending a certain amount of time in this casual relationship, they develop feelings and want a real relationship.

I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t happen. It does. The problem is, holding out for this possibility is a risk.

Most people who say they want a casual relationship say this because that’s exactly what they want—no commitment. Entering into this type of relationship with the hope that it will become more risks wasting precious time that you could be spending with someone who wants the same things as you.

Lecture over. If you’re sure that you want to go into this casual relationship, do so with your eyes open. Maybe you don’t know what you want right now. You think a casual relationship might be just what you need to give your life a spot of excitement while you figure things out. If that’s the case, and you’re sure, go for it.

How to have a casual relationship without getting hurt… hopefully

Before I delve into this, I want to state here and now that following these steps doesn’t mean you’re going to avoid any type of emotional distress. Casual relationships are hard if you develop feelings. That’s my disclaimer, now let’s explore a little more.

#1 Understand what you’re getting into from the start. Know your starting point in order to be able to handle this type of arrangement. That’s what it is, an arrangement that means you spend time with someone, with no promise of an emotional attachment. Give yourself a good talking to and be firm in your knowledge that this is not the start of a big love affair.

#2 Know yourself—can you handle this without developing feelings? If you’re someone who easily gets attached after sex or develops feelings quickly, this type of arrangement will end in tears. Rule number one for now to have a casual relationship without getting hurt is know yourself. If you’re sure you can handle it and feelings won’t come into the equation, go for it. If you’re not sure, approach with severe caution.

#3 Have a serious conversationNobody wants to have a serious sit down conversation with someone about where something might lead. But, if you want to be sure of what you’re actually going to be getting into, know the facts. Ask this person what they want. Do they want a relationship in the future? Do they want to be single but have perks, e.g. friend with benefits?

Make sure they’re being open and honest with you. Then do the same with them. Knowing the facts will be the basis of your journey into how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt in the end.

#4 Ask yourself if you could handle seeing them with someone else? If you were out walking and you bumped into them with another person, how would you feel? Would it knock the air out of your lungs?

If you do see this, they’re not doing anything wrong because they haven’t made an exclusive commitment to you. Casual means exactly that no strings.

#5 Don’t allow them to become your worldDon’t cancel plans with your friends or family to see this person. If you start doing that, you make them an important part of your life. Feelings are developing or aren’t far behind. Casual means that you see them when you have nothing else to do, it doesn’t mean you make firm plans and cancel your life for them. The chances are they’re not going to be doing this for you either.

#6 Don’t mix your circle of friendsNever introduce this person to your regular circle of friends, and make sure that you keep it all separate. If you start mixing your groups, things will get muddy and difficult when things eventually end. And they will at some point. By having a separate outlet, i.e. your social group, you avoid them becoming too important in your life.

#7 Always practice safe sexOf course, it goes without saying that any sex you have with this person should be ultra-safe. STIs and pregnancy aren’t things that go well in casual relationships. These things tend to be life changing and that’s not the point of an arrangement such as this.

Put your health and your future first. Keep everything safe and protected.

#8 Don’t think about milestonesIf you start to think “oh, it’s three months since we met,” you’re entering rocky ground. Avoid typical relationship milestones and don’t allow them to enter your mind. Save these types of milestones for relationships that have a future, unions that mean something to you in the future.

It might sound cold, and it could be that you have a friendships with this person you’re being all casual with, but if you want to save your heart, be a little aloof and distant.

#9 Do not give it a labelThis isn’t a relationship, so don’t call it one. I’m referring to it as a ‘casual relationship’ but I don’t mean it in the traditional sense. You’re not together, you’re not one half of a union. You’re not in a situation which has a ‘let’s see what happens.’ No, you’ve chosen to be in an arrangement that is super-casual. That’s all it is.

#10 Keep everything as light as possibleIt’s not the best idea to talk to your casual buddy about emotional things or anything heavy going on in your life. If you do, you enter emotional territory which signals danger for your heart. Keep everything light and fun, and if you can do that, this arrangement might turn out to be a welcome distraction from the heavier things in life.

#11 Limit your meetings to a minimum. What your minimum is depends on you. It’s a good idea to limit how much you see this person, to avoid the feelings creep. A couple of times a week is certainly enough, but less if you can manage it.

Generally speaking, the more time you spend with someone, the more likely you develop an attachment on an emotional level. That’s not how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt!

#12 Know your limits and walk away if you start to feel. Be honest with yourself and know when it’s time to walk away. Most casual relationships are great for a time. Then they run out of steam naturally, or someone walks away because they develop feelings. It’s rare that a casual relationship becomes a great love affair. Not impossible, but a huge risk to hold onto that idea.

If you start to feel the bubble of emotion, do yourself a favor and quit while ahead.

Understanding how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt really comes down to knowing yourself and your limits. Be honest, open, and don’t hope for more than promised.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

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