Having a secret crush can be fun for awhile, but until someone makes a move, it can’t possibly go any further. Maybe there’s someone you’ve had your eye on for months, and you want to gather the courage to ask them out on a date. But how can you do it in a way that doesn’t freak them out? The chill way to ask someone out all comes down to confidence… and being straightforward about what you want.
Ambiguous relationships are everywhere today. Dating apps give people the ability to meet someone new at the flick of the thumb, and so often, new relationships get caught in the trap of “casual” dates and hookups where neither partner wants to express what they really feel. “People are often afraid that their partner doesn’t think of the situation the way they do, so that could lead to some hesitancy when it comes to giving it a title,” college student Mhaya Polacco told us in a roundtable conversation about modern relationships. If you blatantly express interest, you’re placing your emotional cards on the table, and thus opening the door for a relationship — but also a potential rejection.
This isn’t to say that casual, no-labels dating isn’t great, if that’s what you’re looking for. But unfortunately, it’s easy to get so caught up in being “chill” that you hide your real feelings for someone. If you do want to pursue a relationship, the very best thing you can do is just tell the person you’re interested in them. It’s that simple! If your crush is the right person for you, they’ll find it sexy that you told them how you feel, point blank.
When you’re ready to make the first move, remember that regardless of the outcome, you should be proud of yourself for being honest. The more you can let go of anxiety, the more confident (and yes, “chill”) you’ll come off. “Remind yourself that you may like this person and feel really excited about them, but you do not need them to say yes,” confidence coach Dr. Aziz Gazipura told us. “Paradoxically, the more you let go of needing them to like you, the more relaxed you become, and the more likely it is they indeed will like you!” People are attracted to effortless, positive energy, so if you put that out into the world, you’ll be naturally charming to everyone around you.
Before you ask your crush on a date (whether it’s over text or IRL), ease into it with a casual conversation about your shared interests. “Starting a casual conversation about anything light and easy … will ease your way into asking the question,” explained life coach Susie Moore. “Just getting started is what matters! Remember that people are just people, and they don’t have to make you nervous. And if you don’t ask — the answer is always no!”
Simply saying, “I’d love to get to know you better. Would you like to have dinner/drinks/coffee?” is probably the chillest, most attractive way to tell someone you’re into them. Showing your emotions in a vulnerable way is sexy, and anyone who makes you feel like you can’t express yourself isn’t worth your time. If you ask a direct question, you’re more likely to get a direct answer, so you won’t get stuck in the loop of “are we or aren’t we” that plagues so many people trying to gauge one another’s interest.
As much as you and I may have been led to believe that “chillness” means “ambiguity,” I think it’s time to reclaim the word to mean “honesty.” Because what’s better than being straightforward about telling someone, “I’m into you”? Relationships are built on vulnerability, so if you start things out by being brave, you’re setting the stage for an open line of communication down the road. And if it doesn’t work out, then hey — at least you got clarity so you can find a fresh start.
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