The Weirdest, Creepiest and Most Annoying Songs of the 70’s – Part 3

If you were like me in the 1970’s you listened to top 40 radio most of the time. You heard a lot of great songs and instant classics. But among them were many unforgettable songs that were just weird or strange. I’ve tried from memory to remember the ones that stand out in my mind.

For weird reasons they became hits. They either made no sense or having any musical merit. Just a bizarre era of story songs.

Of course, this stuff is all pretty subjective but I did have a few criteria for what should be here. I decided to include a song if it:

    • made me sick without even listening to it again
    • made me want to break my radio
    • made my stomach turn
    • brought out violent thoughts of hatred, revenge, etc.
    • reminded me how lame the radio and record companies are
    • could make me want to break my stereo
    • would make me leave a bar or club if they started playing it
    • would make me boo a band who started playing it
    • suspended my belief in a divine force that governs the universe
I’m not saying that there weren’t ANY good songs during the 70s but there was just a truck-load of waste back then. If anybody’s stupid enough to think that ALL disco sucks, remember that it’s just a bastard son of rhythm & blues just like rock’n’roll is- so they’re related, see? Also, the 1970s definitely didn’t have a monopoly on shitty music- there was tons of crap unleashed on us in the decade before and after and now also (there’s a future article there somewhere). Clothes-pin anyone?

The 70’s was an interesting time for music. There was a lot of experimentation and creativity from that decade, but there was also plenty of crap as well. Here is my list of the worst and most irritating songs of the 70’s.

 

White Plains – My Baby Loves Lovin’ – 1970

White Plains is such an appropriate name for this band. They’re white and they’re plain, which also applies to the music. Just look at the title of their big US hit, My Baby Loves Lovin’. Total genius. And it’s as creative as the title suggests a.k.a it’s one of the most generic, cookie-cutter love songs the 70s have crapped out.

My baby loves love
My baby loves lovin’
She’s got what it takes
And she knows how to use it

My baby loves love
My baby loves lovin’
She’s got what it takes
And she knows how to use it

That was the chorus, BTW.”My girl loves the act of loving.” How riveting. The instrumentation is just as cookie-cutter, utilizing the safest, non-threatening sounds from the decade. People who complain about today’s music sounding the same should go back and listen to garbage like this and realize that the pop charts have always pushed mediocrity.

The New Seekers – Look What They’ve Done To My Song – 1970

The 70s didn’t just have boring stuff, it also had a LOT of weird stuff, too. The kind of weird stuff that made you question what the hell people were thinking at the time until you think about the copious amount of drugs they consumed. Exhibit A: Look What They’ve Done To My Song, Ma, a cover to a Melanie Safka’s What Have They Done To My Song, Ma. It starts off as a typical acoustic guitar ballad before being accompanied by a cheap accordion. It’s always going to sound like a joke, even when it’s supposed to be serious. Every time I hear this song, I hear nothing but background music for a French film. And that’s one of several musical elements that are in the song that don’t mesh with one another. I don’t even know what they did to this song, ma.

Bobby Sherman – Julie, Do Ya Love Me – 1970

Wow. Here’s a song that could’ve only existed in the 70s, Bobby Sherman’s Julie, Do Ya Love Me. Just listen to that messy instrumentation and try to picture it being made outside of the 70s. With that, being dated isn’t the reason why this song is on the list. No, it’s on the list because of the writing and content. Mr. Sherman here is feeling down because he had to leave his girl, whose name is Julie. What should sound romantic ends up being lame and schmaltzy. This dude was apparently a heartthrob back in the days. If there’s anything that pop music history has taught us, it’s that women would throw themselves at any pretty boy, no matter the quality of their music. Just a Tiger Beat cover boy.

Brotherhood of Man – United We Stand – 1970

You ever looked at a song title/artist name and expected one thing, but got something completely different? Well, that’s the feeling I had when I came across a song called United We Stand by The Brotherhood Of Man. I was expecting a protest song from a multi-racial group, but instead, we got a schmaltzy, pseudo-gospel declaration of love from a bunch of white folks. Look, there’s nothing wrong with the message. I can get behind it because the world does need more love. But I find this to be some cornball, sanitized trash. This is Sunday school music with all references to God and Jesus removed. Look, I appreciate the message and the fact that it resonates with some people, but I’m gonna have to pass on this one.

Check out the host of this music show. Where did they get this husk? Did they roll him out of mothballs to be on the show? Also, is this the ugliest band ever? Who chose that wardrobe? Awful!

Eddie Holmes – Hey There Lonely Girl – 1969 (I know, it’s not the 70s but it was played in the 70s non-stop)

I’ve said in the past that R&B was one of the best parts of 70s music (which I still stand by), BUT that doesn’t mean all of it was good. Just look at Hey There Lonely Girl by Eddie Holman. The instrumentation is alright, but then there’s Eddie Holman’s voice. Dear Lord Beerus, this dude’s voice. He has one of those ear-piercing falsettos that sounds like a chain-smoking Mickey Mouse. Every high note he hits is so shrill that I can’t listen to the song on headphones. (My ears are bleeding!) In the writing, the dude has his eyes on a girl whose boyfriend broke her heart and he offers to be her new boyfriend. Yeah, that’s not generating Treat You Better vibes at all. If I ever hear this song on an R&B station, I’m pressing skip immediately.

The Pipkins – Gimme Dat Ding! – 1970

Gimme Dat Ding by The Pipkins. What the flying hell did I just listen to? Was this a rejected song from an old 30s cartoon? This is what people at the time bumped in the whip? Two dudes going back and forth, one of them sounding like Popeye the Sailor Man while the other one keeps saying Gimme Dat Ding over and over on top of a honky-tonk piano. What is the ding, anyway? Is that another way of saying “pass the blunt?” Is it a brand of beer? “What you want?” “Gimme dat ding, please.” Is it sex? Considering that both performers are men, that’s kinda progressive for the 70s. Who knows? All I know is that I don’t want to hear it again. Gimme Dat Ding, another novelty hit that left me puzzled. Why in the world was this ever recorded? They must have known that there were bands called the Beatles, The Rolling Stones, and Led Zeppelin were in existence at the time. Why a vaudeville number?

Ronnie Dyson – (If You Let Me Make Love To You, Then) Why Can’t I Touch You? – 1970

Never has there been a song that raised so many questions before I started listening to it. The full title to Ronnie Dyson’s big hit is (If You Let Me Make Love To You, Then) Why Can’t I Touch You? Wouldn’t making love to someone involve physical contact? Are they having Amish sex where they bang with sheets between them? Are they having phone sex? Ghost sex? Are they screwing using telepathy or telekinesis? Do they use one of those devices from Demolition Man? What does it all mean?

Tiny Tim – Tiptoe Through The Tulips – 1968

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tiny_Tim_(musician)

Tiptoe Through the Tulips“, also known as “Tip Toe Through the Tulips with Me”, is a popular song published in 1929. The song was written by Al Dubin (lyrics) and Joe Burke (music) and made popular by guitarist Nick Lucas. On February 5, 1968, singer Tiny Tim made the song a novelty hit by singing it on the debut episode of the popular American television show Rowan and Martin’s Laugh-In.

Tim sings the song in the style of a woman singing the song in 1929! But he looks so weird and creepy doing it. It’s amazing the man had the career he did. It’s just so bizarre I had to add it to my list!

 

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