Sometimes it seems like all the good ones are taken. Now, you’ve found a girl that you feel a strong connection with and attraction to, but she has a boyfriend. Here are some ideas for how to win her over, ranging from being straightforward to being stealthy. It’s up to you to decide: is all fair in love and war?
Telling Her Your Feelings
Evaluate your relationship with her. It’s important to consider whether telling her your feelings is appropriate based on the strength of your relationship.
- Imagine you tell her. Is your relationship strong enough to handle it if she doesn’t feel the same way, or if she does but decides to stay with her current boyfriend? If yes, it might be worth the risk. If no, weigh your options carefully.
- If you haven’t known this girl very long, this probably isn’t a good option. She could see your professed feelings as very abrupt or forward.
- Make a pro/con list to weigh the risks and benefits of telling her your feelings. Also, consider the risks and benefits of not telling her. Is it worth the risk?
Plan out what you want to say. Frame this conversation carefully, so she knows you are not making demands of her. Ask a friend to talk out the scenario with you to work out any kinks. Your friend can give you a perspective on your choices of words.
Build up your courage. Of course, you’re nervous to tell her your feelings. Not only could this admission change your relationship with this girl, but it could affect your relationship with her boyfriend or other mutual friends if you have them. Fear signals that the outcome is important to you. Once you’ve decided you want to go ahead with expressing yourself, use your fear to motivate you, rather than deter you.
Tell her. Once you’ve built up your courage, go for it.
- When you’re alone with her, say something along the lines of: “Caitlin, I know that you’re dating Sam, and I don’t want to mess anything up for you, but I’ve started to have feelings for you. I want you to know.” If you think she reciprocates the feelings, you can add, “I’ve sensed that the attraction might be mutual, and I want to clear the air.”
- If she has been giving you vibes that she’s interested in, it’s important that she knows so that she doesn’t keep giving you mixed signals.
Respect her response. You’ve weighed the risks and benefits of your decision, and you knew that she might not respond favorably. It is important, especially if you want to remain friends, to accept and respect her response.
- She may tell you that she does not feel the same way. Rejection is painful, but it is one of the ways that we reduce our ego and grow.
- She may tell you that she does have feelings for you, but that she wants to stay with her boyfriend because they have a strong relationship and she also has feelings for him. This is harder to accept because it feels like there is a glimmer of hope, but once she tells you her decision to stay with her boyfriend, you need to move on.
- Don’t torture yourself. Waiting around and hoping that she’ll change your mind will only be a waste of your time. If you accept her response, you will be better able to move forward and search for a romantic connection elsewhere.
Seducing Her Stealthily
Establish yourself as a constant in her life. If she only sees you around every once in a while, you won’t be on her mind that often. If you want a shot with her, you need to see her regularly
- Join her friend group. Ingratiate yourself to her best friends. If her friends hold you in high regard, chances are she will, too. Being part of her friend group ensures that you will be invited to events that she will be attending.
- Get her phone number. Wait for a natural opportunity to ask for her number. You were having a conversation and it was cut off? Ask for her number so you can continue talking. You’re planning a get-together for your friend group? Perfect reason to make sure you have her number.
Highlight your good qualities. Make sure she sees that you’re a positive person to have in her life. Do you have a great sense of humor? Are you empathetic and open to talking about your feelings? Are you particularly creative? Slip these traits into your conversation with her or her friends. She’ll start to see what she’s missing out on.
Find the weak points in her current relationship. No relationship is perfect, and there are likely things she’d change about her boyfriend if she could.
- Casually ask her about her relationship. As she grows to trust you, she’ll share more information with you. If she tells you that her boyfriend never takes the time to hear about her day, don’t tell her that you’d always make time to listen to her if you were in his shoes. Store this information. Another day, make sure you ask her how her day is going and actively listen.
- If you are hanging out with her friends while she’s not around, pay attention if they are gossiping. They may say something about her relationship that you can use to play up your strengths in contrast to her boyfriend’s weaknesses.
Make your move. You’ve set the stage so that she sees you in good light. You can decide if your move will be verbal or physical. Will you tell her you’re attracted to her or just lean in for the kiss? Wait for a time when the two of you are alone and the mood is light.
Be prepared for her reaction. Though you’ve been contemplating this for a while, it could be totally out of the blue for her.
- If she tells you she’s attracted to you, too, give her some time to decide if she wants to act on that. Don’t pressure her. That will make her withdraw from your friendship and undo the work that you’ve done to show yourself off.
- If you physically hook up with her, recognize that there will be consequences. In all likeliness, she’ll feel guilty, and might even be angry with you for disrespecting her relationship status. You will seriously damage any relationship you have with her boyfriend, and likely with mutual friends.
- If you make this move and she tells her boyfriend, you will probably be cut out of her life unless they decide to break up.
Ask her for a decision. Regardless of whether you expressed your feelings emotionally or physically, give her time to process her feelings. She may decide that she wants to give a relationship with you a shot. She may decide that she wants to stay with her boyfriend. Once she makes that decision, that’s it. Trying to convince her to change her mind will only make her put up walls.
Decide if she is someone worth waiting for. You could be waiting around for a long time for this relationship to end if it ever does. Even then, you might have to watch her go through a string of relationships if she moves quickly from one relationship to the next.
- Consider her current relationship. If she’s in a strong relationship, she is not likely to leave it, even if she likes you, too.
- Though it’s not romantic, scientifically there’s no such thing as “the one.” Do you want to spend your life waiting around for a girl who is interested in another person? There are plenty of other girls looking for someone like you.
Foster a strong friendship with her. If you care enough to wait for her, disregard Method 2. Don’t manipulate her feelings. Be present in her life and let her know that you are someone she can trust. She may drift in and out of relationships, but she will keep you around.
- If you genuinely care about her, nurturing a friendship with her will come naturally. Make small gestures. Remember her birthday and how she likes her coffee. If you notice she’s having a rough day, ask her if she wants to talk about it.
Wait until her current relationship ends. She will know you care for her well-being if you respect her relationship. Don’t try to break it up.
- If she is happy in her relationship, she will not thank you for critiquing her boyfriend or finding ways to get their relationship on rocky ground. Even if she is unhappy in the relationship if she realizes your motive she will see it as manipulative.
- If you truly care for her, you will want her to be happy, even if it’s not with you.
Express your feelings to her in a timely but respectful time frame. Once she and her boyfriend break up, give her time to grieve that relationship and heal from the hurt. Don’t wait too long, though, or she may move on to another relationship before you get your chance.
- Don’t be too clingy or she will try to distance herself from you.
- Make absolutely certain that this girl is worth it. So often we want the impossible relationship because we are too afraid to find a relationship that might actually happen.
- If you step on her boyfriend’s toes, it will be all over. He will be more protective of their relationship, and you might even be cut out.
- If you realize you’re stuck in the friend zone, move on. There are other great girls who don’t have boyfriends.
- If she breaks up with her boyfriend for you, someday she may break up with you for someone else.
- You can seriously damage relationships by trying to break a couple up. Not only might you ruin your relationship with her and her boyfriend, but you also may hurt relationships with mutual friends, classmates, or coworkers.
- If you succeed in hooking up with her and she finds out about your plot, you could jeopardize your relationship.
- In Method 2, you will be manipulating your own crush for your own selfish wants. If you are willing to do this, you may not care about her as much as you claim to.
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