4 Mantras To Recite Before Breaking Up With Someone, So You Can Let Go

There are few things harder than making the decision to end a relationship, especially when your partner doesn’t see it coming. Regardless of what your reasons might be for the breakup, you may catch yourself second-guessing and questioning your decision. What if you’re making the wrong choice? What if you’re not as happy without them? Dwelling on these questions may make you spiral, so in order to keep your head above water, it’s helpful to have a few mantras to recite before breaking up with someone.

Now that cuffing season is officially in full swing, it can be easy to get caught up in the idea of being in a relationship. Having a special someone to come home to and marathon cringeworthy Hallmark movies with can provide a huge source of comfort during the holiday season. However, this time of year, some people may feel more inclined to stay in a relationship that they know deep down isn’t totally fulfilling them. If you fall into this category, you may be dragging your feet when you know your connection is at a dead-end, and sometimes, you just gotta rip the band-aid off. To help you do that, here are some mantras to keep in mind.

I fully trust myself and my instincts.

Reflection of a young attractive caucasian woman looking to mirror. Wearing casual, beautiful blue eyes, serious look. Indoors, copy space.

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If you’ve been going in circles trying to decide whether or not to break up with someone, it can feel almost impossible to get out of your own head and look at things objectively. There’s always going be what-ifs and unanswered questions, but the key is to have faith in yourself and your instincts. This is especially important to keep in mind if the breakup isn’t mutual, and your ex-partner tries to convince you that things are better with them than without them.

Nicole Richardson, a licensed counselor and marriage and family therapist, recommends taking a step back and remembering why you wanted to do this in the first place. “It is important to have a list of all the reasons you broke up,” she tells Elite Daily. “And remind yourself when your brain starts to play the tape of all the ‘good ol’ times.’”

I’m focused on prioritizing my happiness.

Pain is a given after any breakup, and if you had deep feelings for each other, it may not be an easy transition at first. Because feelings don’t just fade away the day after a breakup, getting to a point where you feel OK again may be hard on both of you. If you’re someone who’s prioritized your partner’s feelings instead of your own in the past, try to switch mindsets and focusing on your own happiness and well-being. Take some time to really think about what makes you happy, whether it’s hanging out with your friends, trying a new workout class, or eating your bodyweight in double-stuff oreos (all three are equally valid options, IMO).

It’s OK to care about someone and move on without them.

This mantra can be the hardest to internalize. When you’re so used to having your life intertwined with someone else’s, it can be extremely difficult to imagine yourself moving on without them, especially if there’s no bad blood between the two of you. Just because you want to go your separate ways doesn’t mean you don’t still care about each other — it can just means that you’re ready to start a new chapter in your life and figure out who you are as an individual.

I deserve to be in a relationship that fulfills me.

We’re all tired of hearing the cliché: “there are plenty more fish in the sea”, but sometimes, it really can help put things in perspective. Currently, there are over 7.5 billion people on this planet, so your odds of finding a relationship that’s fulfilling, exciting, and uplifting are fortunately pretty high. Keep reminding yourself that there’s probably someone better out there, and that you deserve to love and be loved unconditionally.

 

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9 Harsh Truths We Tend to Ignore at the Beginning of a Relationship, and Then Bitterly Regret It

They say that “love is blind” and they are probably right. We tend to ignore many things about our loved ones, even though these things scream that you need to get out of the relationship. As a consequence, we’re left trying to put a broken heart back together or we just get up one day realizing that we’ve wasted years in a pointless relationship.

This wouldn’t happen if we could tell from the very beginning where it might lead. And sometimes we can: here at Bright Side we came up with most common phrases your date could say to you that are actually signals that you should leave and never come back.

1. “I’m not over my previous relationship yet.”

It’s an honest truth, and you have to accept it and say goodbye — it’ll be better for the both of you. You probably don’t want to be an instrument for your date to forget their ex and constantly compete with them. And you will probably not be happy if they get back together.

Beyond that, it is not recommended for people to start a new relationship right after their previous one or until it’s all over, so it’s better to leave and give your partner some time to figure out their feelings.

2. They complain about all their exes.

Of course, people do get into toxic relationships sometimes, but if it happens all the time, maybe the problem actually has something to do with your date. You’ll probably end up being another “crazy ex” on their list and they will probably constantly stress you out. Do you need that in your life?

3. “I don’t think marriage makes sense.”

When someone says this, they definitely mean it and are implying that they are not going to get married, even to you. And since you’re grownups, this opinion is too hard to change, if even possible at all. If you think the same about marriage, than that’s okay. But it’s crucial to have similar opinions on this topic, so if you actually want to get married, then don’t waste your time.

4. “When I’m angry, I scream and break things. I can’t help it.”

This is a red flag phrase that should never be ignored. It means that your partner is emotionally unstable, and that plates aren’t the limit. You will get your dose of emotional and physical abuse too, even if you don’t think this will happen. Do yourself a favor and disappear the moment you hear (or notice) anything like that.

5. They admit that they could never make a relationship last.

You shouldn’t ignore this phrase, thinking it won’t happen with you. Don’t overestimate the chance you think you have to change your partner. If they say it, they mean it — and in addition, they can even say that they warned you. So if you’re looking for something that can become serious, you’re with the wrong person.

6. They don’t see anything wrong with being late.

When someone is late, they usually apologize for it, no matter how late they are. If your partner doesn’t see anything wrong with it, this is a bad sign. It means that they lack respect for your time, and there is a great probability that they will be selfish and have a tendency to devalue everything about other people. Take note, and find someone who will value you and your time.

7. They admit that relationships aren’t their main focus all the time.

Of course, for some people a career might be their biggest priority, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, if your date says something like this on the spot without any context, it implies that your date wants to keep things easy. It’s a phrase to let you know that your partner isn’t going to put much effort into your relationship, so just take it as it is and decide if that’s what you want and need.

8. “A man/woman should…”

If your partner talks about their expectations, that means that they expect you to follow them in order to keep up the relationship. If you don’t share these standards, but decide to get into this relationship anyways, it will lead to a lot of stress and tension, so you’re probably better off ending it before it even starts.

9. “You don’t need someone like me.”

No, this not a challenge to prove that your date is wrong. People who are not confident always play the victim, and if you get into this game your whole relationship will turn into you constantly convincing your partner they are great and that they are worth you having to deal with infinite jealousy. In case it’s more like a confident, “Don’t fall in love with me,” you’re most likely dealing with a player. And we are not sure which one of these types is worse.

Sometimes it can also be a polite way to say that it’s your partner who doesn’t need anyone like you. Whatever the case may be, it’s just better to leave in order to not torture either of you.

Which phrases would you add to the list? Do you have your own personal red flag phrases? Let us know in the comments.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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When Dating Someone New, When Is The Right Time To Have Sex?

This is a new Dating and Relationships column I’m attempting to create here on Phicklephilly. My friend Jackie and I have been kicking around the idea of writing an advice column together. We actually came up with the idea a few years ago. We wanted something that gave advice from a man’s and a woman’s perspective. We’re going to try to publish this column at least once or twice a month for now. If it catches on, we’ll probably run every week.

Welcome to: HIS & HERS!

So let’s begin with a little background on Jackie.

Jackie Rupp (@PhillyJackie) | Twitter

Jackie began as a journalist before branching out to begin her own marketing company, helping businesses build their brands and taking the chore of content marketing off their shoulders. Beyond helping businesses with website copy, blog content, and messaging, she writes a blog on embracing and learning from failure. Available for custom branding, marketing and copywriting projects, her first book is due out in 2021. In her spare time, she fills her home with foster cats and kittens while dabbling in real estate investing and diorama making.

https://www.linkedin.com/in/jackie-rupp-content-queen/

 

Okay, let’s get to the business at hand.

 

When dating someone new, when is the right time to have sex?

 

Jackie:

Okay, my first reaction to this question is to say just trust your gut — trust what’s going on in the moment and what YOU feel comfortable with. But I also know sometimes that can be hard, especially for women, which is the only perspective I can speak from as a heterosexual woman. For straight women, I think there’s a lot of pressure, we feel pressure to “not wait too long” so we aren’t a “tease” or he doesn’t lose interest or think of us as a prude or “frigid.” I use quotes for those words because they’re these outdated antiquated remainders from a way of life where women were supposed to be both sexually available at all times but also not sexual themselves.

So there’s that pressure of maybe moving quicker than you’re comfortable with, but then there’s this opposing pressure to not have sex too quickly because that will make you “less desirable” as a partner. There’s this weird game I feel like some straight guys play where they will pressure sex hard, beg for it, etc, but then be disappointed and judgy when you give in “too soon,” according to their expectations of how women should behave. Those guys it’s best to filter out quickly. So there’s all this always there in our minds not by our own choosing, just like inherited from society, and sometimes it can make it hard to cut through all that noise to hear our own wants and needs. 

I can look back and recall feeling like I needed to sleep with someone by the third date otherwise they’d lose interest. Looking back, how fucked up was that? Like I just had this arbitrary date quantity that maybe I read somewhere and it hung over me. So that would be my first piece of advice. Don’t listen to stupid artbitrary dating quotas like that. Because emotions are tied to sex and it can quickly amp up our intimacy and attachment to someone, I think it is important to know what someone wants and if your wants for the future line up. Do you both want something casual? Then maybe you don’t need to wait. But do some soul searching to make sure you aren’t putting your needs last in an effort to gain dating points.

Now outside of that, I’d say whenever you think it’s the right time… wait longer. Now, I’m not some abstinence promoter or something. There’s just something incredibly hot and special about the flirting and anticipation of a dating dynamic before sex happens. After, of course there’s new fun to explore, but you can never get back the feelings and newness of that period of time when you both know you’re interested in each other and the anticipation, wanting, and desire is just bubbling up like a glass of overflowing champagne. That’s the fun part of dating, so savor it!  That;s my advice and one more thing. Set those expectations LOW for the first time. It could be the best sex you’ve ever had but try to refrain from going into it thinking it’s going to be mind-blowing and perfect, when you’re so new to each other. Don’t talk up your sexing skills, instead, follow the old sales advice — underpromise, overdeliver. 

 

Charles: 

How long should you wait to have sex? It’s a question many of us have pondered for years but haven’t found a satisfactory answer to. In fact, the iconic television series Sex and the City attempted to tackle the question roughly two decades ago.

Carrie Bradshaw and her friends popularized the “three date rule”—the idea that, when it comes to sex, there’s supposed to be a short waiting period. The goal is to give you a chance to evaluate the other person before hopping into bed. Plus, you don’t want to give the other person the impression that you’re overeager, but you also don’t want to wait too long to start having sex in case it turns out you’re incompatible.

This “rule” is basically the Goldilocks approach to dating: It’s about figuring out the time to have sex that’s “just right.” Is there any scientific backing for this idea, though? And is the third date really when most people start having sex anyway?

Researchers struggle studying the topic because it’s unclear what is considered a “date.”

Believe it or not, social scientists haven’t yet established which specific date is the most common one for people to start having sex, in part, because “date” is a pretty nebulous term. What counts as going on a date anyway? For example, does it have to be one-on-one, or can going out with a group of friends count, too? Also, how is “dating” different from “talking” or “hanging out” with someone?

Even if people could agree on a definition, the number of dates isn’t all that meaningful to look at because people space them out very differently. Some people go on several dates in the same week, whereas others space them out over a month or more. In other words, two couples could be on their third date, but one pair might have known each other a lot longer than the other.

In order to get around these issues, researchers who study this topic have focused more on the length of time people have known each other rather than on how many dates they’ve had.

How long people wait, according to research.

A study published in the Journal of Sex Research of nearly 11,000 unmarried adults who were in “serious or steady” relationships inquired about when participants started having sex and looked at how this was related to their relationship satisfaction. Most participants (76 percent) had been in their relationships for more than one year, and nearly all of them (93 percent) reported having had sex with their partners.

Of those who were sexually active, a slight majority (51 percent) said they waited a few weeks before having sex, while just over one-third (38 percent) had sex either on the first date or within the first couple of weeks. The remaining 11 percent had sex before they even went on their first date.

Did the timing of sex matter in terms of how people felt about their relationships? Not in a meaningful way. There were only small differences between the groups, with those who had sex earlier tending to be slightly less satisfied. However, all of the groups were highly satisfied on average.

The fact that those who had sex earlier were a little less happy is to be expected based on research showing that sexual passion and excitement tend to decline over the course of a relationship. So if you start having sex sooner, the passion will wear off a little faster, unless you put in the work to keep it going (which you can do by regularly mixing it up in the bedroom).

It’s more important how you think about sex, then when you have sex.

There’s something far more important than when you start having sex, and that’s what your personality says about how sex and love go together. Everyone has what’s called a sociosexual orientation, which is basically the degree to which you think sex and emotions are intertwined versus totally separate.

People who think that they go together tend to agree with statements like, “I do not want to have sex with a person until I am sure that we will have a long-term, serious relationship.” These folks have what psychologists call a “restricted” orientation.

By contrast, people who think that these things are separable tend to agree with statements like “sex without love is OK.” These people have what psychologists refer to as an “unrestricted” orientation. Unrestricted people are more comfortable with casual sex, and they tend to report higher sex drives and greater numbers of sex partners over the course of their lives. As a result, the amount of time it takes for them to be comfortable having sex with a new partner is much shorter than it is for someone with a restricted orientation.

Neither orientation is inherently better or worse than the other, but knowing where you fall on this trait will give you insight into whether having sex sooner or later is the right approach for you. Understanding differences in sociosexual orientation can also help us to understand why so many couples disagree on the “right” time to start having sex as well as how much sex they should be having—if you put a restricted and an unrestricted person together, it might be challenging for them to get on the same page.

So, what’s the final verdict?

What all of this tells us is that there are no hard and fast “rules” for dating. Different things work well for different people depending on their personalities, so figure out where your comfort zone is—and your partner’s, too—rather than subscribing to some arbitrary rule.

 

Was this helpful? Let us know in the Comments section!

Do you have a dating and relationship question you’d like answered?
Send it to me in the Contact section of this blog, and Jackie and I will answer it in a future post!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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10 Things to Stop Telling People

Words are powerful. You can use them to brighten someone’s day or completely ruin it. We often discount the power that they hold. You can use them to present yourself well or terribly. You can lie with them, tell the truth with them, and change lives with them. This means that the things you say to others may have more of an impact than you think. As such, it’s necessary to take responsibility for what you say, and to always choose your words carefully! Are there things you often say that might be causing harm to others? But what if it’s time in your life to stop telling people certain things altogether?

Here Are 10 Things To Stop Telling People

1. “You’re too sensitive!”

From your perspective, someone in your life may be reacting disproportionately to something you or someone else has said or done. They may be crying about something you’d never dream of feeling hurt over. They might tell you that you’ve upset them, and you personally couldn’t imagine how that bothered them at all.

When this happens, you might be tempted to berate them for being so sensitive. Similar sentiments include:

  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “Learn to take a joke!”
  • “Come on, it’s not that deep.”
  • “You just don’t have a sense of humor.”
  • “Calm down.”
  • “I didn’t mean it that way, relax.”

But here’s the thing about hurting someone else. It’s basic manners to apologize when someone says you hurt them. You don’t lecture them on how to avoid being hurt by you in the future – you listen, say you’re sorry and discuss the problem if you need to.

2. “Why can’t you be more like (insert person here)?”

Comparisons are ugly, they don’t help anyone, and, for the most part, they’re unnecessarily hurtful. In moments of frustration, you may wonder why someone in your life can’t be like someone else – but that is a toxic, pointless thought. You may want to say:

  • “Why can’t you listen to me like my mom does?”
  • “I wish you were less of a troublemaker, like your brother.”
  • “You should be more like (insert name).”
  • “Well, how many marks did your classmates get?”
  • “(Insert name) seems fine with it, so you should be, too.”

Why don’t comparisons work? It’s simple: no two people are alike. Everyone is unique, and therefore it is completely pointless to compare those around you. Of course, they will be different, have different progress rates, and have their own issues in life; they’re different people!

On top of that, if you’re using comparisons on a young child, you could be damaging their self-esteem and self-worth. They may continue this pattern of decreased positive thinking and comparison well into adulthood as a result. (1)

3. “No offense, but …”

The next time you’re about to preface a statement with “no offense, but …”, take a few seconds to think about why you feel the need to do so. Often you’ll find that the reason you need to prepare those around you for a potential offense is because what you’re going to say is fairly offensive!

“No offense, but …” is one of those phrases that is about as effective as “not to be racist, but …” because all you’re doing is warning people in advance that what you’re about to say is definitely not pleasant. You have to figure out which things are worth saying and which are much better left unsaid.

Need to say something that may hurt? Prepare by phrasing it productively, and then just say it! You’ll find that your reception is often a lot more positive when you sound like you’re being upfront and honest, as opposed to trying to avoid getting into trouble.

4. “Get over it.”

Maybe you’re sick of hearing about how upset someone is, or how sad something that happened has made them. In your annoyance, you tell them to just get over it. This is completely unproductive and not a healthy coping mechanism at all. Definitely a statement you should stop telling people.

The problem is that even if the other person listens to you and decides to forcefully “get over it,” they’re not actually doing so. What they’re doing instead is repressing the problem and pushing it to the back of their minds, where it will sit and fester. Eventually, this will cause even more problems for them, leading to resentment.

It is healthy to deal with problems. We have to confront them, live with them, and work them out in our own time – even if we have some help from other people – in order to truly overcome them. That’s how to deal with them in a positive way. Some issues and painful emotions take longer to overcome than others – and it is not your place to hurry them along or force. (2)

5. “You’ll change your mind one day.”

Many people, especially those on the younger side, hear all the time that the decisions they’ve made aren’t valid. These decisions may be about:

  • Dating
  • Getting married
  • Having children
  • Studying
  • Jobs

The so-called “superior” wisdom that comes with age may have imparted you with better judgment and knowledge, but it hasn’t allowed you to tell the future. If a young adult says they don’t want kids, it’s very silly to try and convince them that they will one day – especially since that doesn’t impact you at all!

Do you really, really want to make sure that someone knows you suspect they’ll change their mind? Just say, “Let me know if you ever change your mind!” for a more positive ending to that conversation.

6. “You’re too attractive to (insert action here).”

We live in a world filled with stereotypes about how people’s looks relate to what they do in life. In addition, the world we live in is filled with ideas of what is and isn’t conventionally attractive. It’s difficult not to fall prey to those ideas every once in a while, especially if you were raised believing them.

Sometimes, you might find yourself saying that someone is too attractive to be doing a rugged activity. Or you may say that you didn’t think they were smart or tough because of how attractive they look. All this does is make you look like a bad person, and it isn’t going to be taken as a compliment, no matter how hard you try to sell it.

People’s looks and what they do are not mutually exclusive, and to believe otherwise is to be prejudiced. It’s a very narrow-minded way of looking at the incredibly diverse world that we live in. This is one of those things you should stop telling people.

7. “Happiness is a choice.”

We see people use this phrase all the time, whether to cheer someone up or try to knock someone out of bad states. Unfortunately, not only is this incredibly condescending to those in bad circumstances or with mental disorders, but it’s also just scientifically inaccurate. Happiness in people is decided through the following three things:

· Circumstances

Someone’s place in life largely affects the way that they feel – this can range from very little to around 15%.

· Set Happiness Points

A good portion – a little less than half of it – relies on your genetics and your natural temperament, and this cannot be changed.

· Intentional Behavior

Personal activity accounts for approximately 40% of your happiness. This means that you can only really control less than half of your mood.

Basically, trying to will someone into positive thinking by telling them to choose happiness just doesn’t work. The previous three points don’t even account for mood disorders that can only be managed, not cured. By making someone believe that it’s their fault that they aren’t happy, you’re doing way more damage than you’re alleviating. (3)

8. “What’s in it for me?”

No one likes a person who is always asking for something in return. You paint yourself as lazy at work, not to be trusted among friends and family, and calculative in romantic relationships. It’s not a good look for anyone.

Does this mean you should be a “yes man”? No, of course not! Set your boundaries where necessary. At the same time, though, don’t insist on always being repaid for good deeds. Acts of kindness are no longer born out of kindness if you’re expecting to be paid in some way for it.

9. “This is all your fault!”

Deflecting blame in self-defense is a very easy thing to do. It’s much harder to admit when you’re in the wrong – or to simply admit that you had a part to play. So you might say things like:

  • “I didn’t know!”
  • “You should have told me.”
  • “How was I supposed to know?”
  • “Look what you made me do!”
  • “This is your fault.”
  • “If you’d (insert action here), maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”
  • “Next time, you should (insert action here).”

But passing blame around like a hot potato isn’t going to help you solve any of the problems at hand. Sometimes it’s your fault and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes everyone is to blame. And at the end of the day, who cares?

When a mistake happens, no matter who is chiefly to blame, now you have to work on finding solutions. That’s just how life works. Getting caught in a game of pointing fingers will likely not help your case. If this is a phrase you use, it’s something you need to stop telling people.

10. “I hate you.”

“Hate” is a very strong word when it is used seriously and not as part of a joke. No matter how you say that you hate someone, you sound childish – and the other person gets the satisfaction of being able to walk away as the bigger person.

But the real reason this is on our list is that this three-word phrase is very commonly used in moments of heightened emotion. You might shout it at your parents, or your significant other, or a friend, or a family member. In your intense anger, you may scream this out, even though you don’t really mean it.

Unfortunately, that one moment can significantly damage your relationship with the other person. Even if you apologize, you can’t take back what you’ve said, and they will remember it. That’s why it’s important that you choose your words wisely.

Final Thoughts On Some Things To Stop Telling People

Do you say any of these 10 things that you should stop telling people? It’s not too late to change! Start avoiding these phrases and start adopting more positive, productive, compassionate ones instead. You’ll find that the people around you respond to you in a better way.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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Why People Cheat Even When They Know It’s Wrong, According To Psychologists

If you were to walk up to a random stranger and ask how they feel about cheating, chances are they’d say it’s not OK. In fact, 90 percent of people believe infidelity is unacceptable, and acknowledge the negative impact it can have on a relationship. And yet up to 40 percent of folks do it anyway.

Clearly, the math doesn’t add up. So why might someone go behind their partner’s back, even though they agree it’s wrong? “For some people, they appreciate the extra attention,” Dr. Christopher Ryan Jones, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and sex therapist, tells us. “This doesn’t mean that their partner at home is not giving them attention, though that is sometimes the case. But for some people they need validation from others.”

They might seek out another person’s time or attention — or even look for a hookup — as a way of feeling connected and seen. “This could be due to an improper view of self, low self-esteem, or self worth, etc.,” Jones says. “By cheating, they receive the validation they need and feel better about themselves.”

Other folks don’t set out with the goal of cheating, but instead see it happening little by little, especially if their needs aren’t being met. “Perhaps they’ve tried to communicate these needs with their partner but don’t feel heard or understood and, over time, and over multiple seemingly insignificant events, they start to fantasize about [meeting] certain needs (sexual and/or emotional) outside of the relationship,” Jaclyn Lopez Witmer, a licensed clinical psychologist at Therapy Group of NYC, tells Bustle.

Some people cheat on their partner as a way of boosting their self-esteem.

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This might mean flirting with a friend or being way too open with a coworker, and building an affair from there. “Perhaps an opportunity presents itself for a connection with someone else and, as the expression goes, one thing leads to another,” Lopez Witmer says. “This might start with ‘emotional cheating,’ [or] sharing intimate moments or vulnerable feelings with someone who is not their partner.”

Because it isn’t happening all in one fell swoop, it’s easier to get used to what’s going on, and later justify it to themselves. “There’s the moral piece to that, and also factors at play like length of time in relationship with [their] primary partner, quality of relationship, how one defines ‘cheating’ (e.g., emotional, physical, only involving sexual contact, etc.), among others,” Lopez Witmer says.

If they view their relationship as somehow flimsy or flawed, emotional cheating might not feel like a big deal — or it might even feel like it’s somehow OK due to the circumstances. “Usually, before cheating occurs there’s a shift in how the cheating partner feels about their partner and the relationship, and they (consciously or unconsciously) choose to step away from their partner,” Lopez Witmer says. “This usually happens first in their mind before any other person is involved.”

Cheating in all its forms can also be used as a way to end relationships. So while someone might not endorse cheating, they might be OK with using it as a way to break things off with their partner. “For them, its easier to just find someone else,” Jones says. “In this situation their partner breaks up with them, so they don’t have to do it, and they already have another relationship so they don’t have to be single.” In such a win-win situation, cheating can be tempting.

Expert say some people cheat, even though they know it's wrong, as a way to end a relationship they no longer want to be in.

Shutterstock

While someone might agree that cheating is wrong, they could find themselves doing it anyway for all these reasons and more. But it’s far less likely to happen if a couple is willing to talk it out. “This means expressing emotional needs and difficult emotions to your partner and also being open to hearing what your partner feels and needs in return that you may not be adequately providing,” Lopez Witmer says.

And this is true even if it feels tough or uncomfortable. “Often we choose not to share how we are really feeling out of fear that we will hurt the other person or that it will become a big, intense argument,” Lopez Witmer says. But the more often couples share these types of things, and support each other, the easier it becomes.

It can also help to chat about what constitutes cheating, “both emotional and physical,” Anita A. Chlipala, LMFT, a licensed marriage and family therapist, tells us. “It’s a lot easier to cross a boundary when the boundary is blurred,” she says. But if a couple agrees on what’s OK and what isn’t, and is willing to talk about how they’re feeling and what they want on a regular basis, they’ll both be way less likely to resort to cheating.

 

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7 Warning Signs Your Partner Is A Control Freak And What You Can Do About It

If you’ve recently started asking yourself “When did this relationship go from being a loving romance to an emotionally draining battlefield?” and you’re wondering how to distance yourself from the toxic partner you’re currently with, it could be a sign that he or she is trying to control, and even command your relationship.

1. Guilt-tripping

Control freaks are skilled manipulators and will play you into believing that you are being controlled for your own sake, and you being resistant is serious disrespect. They can enter your head and make you believe that your relationship is quite normal. They may even give you examples that most people behave the way they do. They will guilt-trip you for fighting with them and being unable to understand their love.

2. They keep an overactive scorecard

There is a sense of reciprocity built into healthy and stable relationships. You look out for each other, and you don’t keep notes of every little you do. If he or she keeps score of every interaction within the relationship – whether it is to hold a grudge, demand favors as payback, or simply be patted on the back – it may very well be their way of keeping you under control. And this can be downright emotionally draining.

3. They are trying to isolate you from your loved ones

The only way someone can gain unquestioned control over you is if they isolate you from your loved ones. This is one of the most apparent signs of a controlling person and it is additionally one of the most dangerous as it presents a high degree of manipulation.

If your partner is controlling, they may not only detest you spending time with the important people in your life but may even attempt to turn you against them (“Your mother/friend sure treats you like garbage”), so you think distancing yourself is a positive thing.

4. You feel like you need to hide innocent things from them 

Let’s say you decide to attend a spontaneous happy hour after work or unexpectedly meet a friend on the street and get sidetracked catching up. Have you consciously found yourself avoiding to tell your partner about it? If there are many little secrets you feel like you need to keep from your partner due to fear of their judgment it may be a sign he or she is controlling.

5. They spy on you 

A control freak normally thinks that they have every right to know what you are doing at all times. Whether they secretly spy on you or outright demand that you share everything with them, it is all a violation of boundaries. Maybe they check your phone, log into your social media account, or restlessly track your browser history, and then justify their actions by saying they have suffered before, have trust issues, or the golden: “If you aren’t doing anything wrong, then why do you care?” It’s an attack on your privacy coupled with the unsettling message that they have zero interest in trusting you and rather prefer to take on a detective-like presence within your relationship.

6. They treat you more like a child than an equal

When you lived with your family growing up, you could not leave the house dressed in certain ways or come home after certain hours. It wasn’t a cool experience, but after all, that’s what parents are for. Your partner, however, should always treat you as an equal.

Strict rules on who you spend time with, what you eat, or how you spend your free time are not alright. It is a form of excess possession and projection that can be seen as flattering, but at the same time very damaging.

7. They drown you in criticism 

Similarly to isolation, criticism is something that often starts small. You may attempt to convince yourself that your partner’s criticism is warranted, or that they are simply trying to help you become a better person. Or they may try to make you feel that it’s normal, saying that it isn’t such a big deal or that you shouldn’t take it personally.

But in the end, regardless of how small an individual criticism appears to be, if it is part of an ongoing dynamic with your relationship, it would be very difficult to feel accepted, validated, and truly loved. If all the small things you do could use some improvement in the eyes of your partner, then how exactly is it that you are being valued as a true equal, never mind being loved unconditionally

What you can do? A single one of the listed signs probably doesn’t mean you’re in a controlling relationship – especially if it happens rarely.

Maybe your partner had a moment of weakness and read a message you received on the internet.

But if a good number of these signs construct a controlling pattern, take timely action before the behavior becomes abusive.

Try to share how you feel with your partner. Don’t jump to saying things like “You’re controlling!” and instead try “I feel distrusted when you tell me I cannot hang out with my friend.” Your partner may be open to hearing that kind of language.

The next step is to try reaching out to those friends and family members who you have been avoiding since your relationship started. After all, they will be your main source of support who can help you in navigating your relationship challenges and will give you the validation and strength necessary to make level-headed decisions. Should your relationship start to slip into abusive territory, those people will be your main pillars of support and will help you get out.

In addition, you can try convincing your partner to accompany you into seeing a relationship expert. And if they refuse, you should perhaps seriously consider ending the relationship. There is no reason for you to be with someone who understands that their controlling behavior makes you miserable, but doesn’t feel the need to do anything about it.

If you enjoyed this article, please consider sharing it with your friends and family. And don’t forget to share your thoughts with us in the comment section. 

 

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How To Get Over A Breakup, Based On Your Love Language

Epic phone conversations to analyze every detail with your BFF, a pint of Halo Top to eat your feelings, a kickboxing class to get out your aggression — these are just some of the ways we get over the end of a relationship. We all have certain strategies that are more effective for us, depending on our own unique needs and personalities. And when it comes to figuring out how to get over a breakup, your love languages can factor in, too.

The love languages were developed by counselor and author Dr. Gary Chapman. After observing couples in counseling for more than 30 years, he observed patterns in the ways that partners communicate with each other, and concluded that there are five universal ways in which people express and interpret love: physical touch, words of affirmation, quality time, gifts, and acts of service. According to Chapman, while we all may have two or three that speak to us, everyone has one primary love language that takes precedence. You may be well aware of how your love languages can play a role in your relationships. By knowing what makes you feel loved, you can better express to your partner what you need from them. But love languages are just as important to keep in mind once you split.

Think of it this way: you’ll definitely need to feel loved after a breakup. And if you know what your languages are, you can show yourself a little extra TLC and potentially heal more quickly from the trauma.

“After a breakup, we’re often left to our own devices and with no one engaging us in our love language, we’re likely to spiral into a pit of despair where we feel unseen and unstimulated,” explains Chelsea Leigh Trescott, breakup coach and podcast host of Thank You Heartbreak. “To ward against this, it’s up to us to initiate self-care through our various love languages. Where your partner no longer meets you at your most tender place, you must learn how to.”

So, want to know how to cope with a recent split? Here’s how experts advise moving on after a breakup, according to your love language.

Physical Touch

Alexey Kuzma/Stocksy

Just because you’re single doesn’t mean you have to miss out on that physical contact you crave.

“If you respond to physical touch during a relationship, you very likely would still want and need physical touch to help you heal and recover from a breakup,” says prominent L.A.-based relationship therapist Dr. Gary Brown.

Don’t underestimate the power of a hug from a friend or family member. In fact, a hug can instantly trigger the release of the feel-good hormone oxytocin, which is obviously much needed following a breakup. Researchers from Carnegie Mellon University also discovered that hugs can lessen negative emotions and improve mood as well as psychological well-being after a conflict.

And if you’re seeking to treat yourself during this difficult time, Trescott suggests booking a massage or ordering a foot bath for a luxurious soak while you’re watching Netflix.

“Whether it’s dance classes, misting your face with rose water or hugging someone goodbye, what you’re looking to create for yourself is a ritual around touch,” explains Trescott. “However, rather than looking for touch in a romantic partner, it becomes about how you can use elements in your environment to touch you.”

Any of these acts may help to lessen the pain you experience due to losing that physical contact with your partner.

Words Of Affirmation

Sean Locke/Stocksy

If you relied on lots of compliments or verbal expressions of appreciation and praise from your SO to make you feel loved in your relationship, then you’ll want to find new outlets for these affirmations.

Trescott advises purchasing a journal and coming up with a new question to answer every day for a full month.

“This will be a way of not only painlessly encouraging you to inquire within but asking yourself powerful questions will empower you to lean into your truth and accept the range and depth of your emotions,” she explains.

She also suggests writing your ex a thank you letter (rather than a goodbye letter) in which you detail what you learned about yourself throughout the relationship. While you’ll never send this letter, it will serve as a spectacular outlet for positivity during this challenging time.

You can also start implementing some positive affirmations into your daily life for a much-needed boost. For example, consider writing something nice about yourself on a post-it note and sticking it on your bathroom mirror so that it’s the first and last thing you see every day. Or, set a reminder in your phone to pop up at a certain time every day that includes a complimentary affirmation.

Quality Time

Guille Faingold/Stocksy

If you’re the kind of person who really valued QT with bae — as in, dates on which you had their undivided attention — then you may really benefit from setting up some dates with other loved ones in your life.

“Quality time with friends and family can help to heal the wounds of a breakup,” explains Dr. Brown.

Be sure to make plans that encourage quality interaction (i.e. cooking a meal together, painting each other’s nails, or even just taking a walk) as opposed to activities that include distractions (such as binge-watching Netflix). That means putting your devices away and using this time to simply connect with a loved one. Making new memories with other people who are important to you will help you to realize that quality time isn’t only reserved for your significant other. It will also offer up an opportunity to strengthen those relationships in the wake of your split.

Acts Of Service

Tana Teel/Stocksy

If this is your primary love language, you have probably found that actions speak louder than words in your relationships. You felt most loved when boo brought home your dry cleaning on their way home or did the dishes when they knew you were exhausted. As such, while getting over your breakup, you may want to consider ways in which you can make your own life easier. For example, if you’ve been swamped at work lately and laundry is your most dreaded chore, treat yourself to a delivery service that does it for you.

According to Trescott, a breakup might inspire you to take a road trip with friends, or accompany them on their banal errands and turn it into a “windows-down, music-blasting, selfie-taking fun time.”

“It may also be the clean slate you need to show up in your own home differently,” she explains.

This might entail repainting the walls to breathe new life into your home, buying new bedding, moving furniture around, or swapping out the photos in your frames.

“When you’re feeling like you have no one to lean on, a breakup is the best time to lean on yourself and what better way than by putting yourself to work around your own sanctuary,” Trescott says. “Serving yourself will give you the strength to serve others.”

Gifts

Jovo Jovanovic/Stocksy

Did receiving some tangible token from your boo make you feel warm and fuzzy inside? Just because you’re not in a relationship anymore doesn’t mean you can’t leverage this love language to help you get over your breakup.

“A breakup is a prime time to start treating yourself to both luxuries and necessities,” says Trescott. “Rather than wait for your significant other to buy you flowers, purchase your own every Sunday. Go to a perfume counter and try out a new seasonal or signature scent. Scents after all trigger memories, especially tied to romance. Buy two tickets to an upcoming show which will be something to look forward to and something that locks you into finding yourself a plus one.”

So why not give yourself a little something as an act of self-love, and a reminder that you’re worthy?

“Maybe it’s high time you buy yourself a ring or piece of jewelry that signifies you committing to you,” adds Trescott.

Maybe you sign up for a subscription-based service that sends a specially curated selection of wine to your doorstep every month, or maybe you splurge on some luxe lingerie just because. The point is, you don’t need someone else to make you feel appreciated.

“Love languages, at the core, are a way of addressing and speaking to the most tender part of ourselves,” says Trescott. “Sometimes it’s the wounded part that’s aching for the soothing, grounding words of reassurance. Whether it’s words of affirmation, touch, acts of service, quality time, or through gift giving, each language makes us feel seen and, as a byproduct of that, less alone and alive. To show up in this world with steady footing, we need that acknowledgment.”

Regardless of your primary love language, there are a number of different ways in which you can leverage it for the comfort, reassurance, encouragement, and tenderness you need during the often brutal experience of a breakup. Be kind to yourself, and remember: A breakup is an opportunity to learn more about what makes you feel the most loved so that you’re prepared to pursue a happy, healthy relationship next time around.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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‘Parasite singles’: Why Young Japanese Aren’t Getting Married

Tokyo (AFP) – A sharply dressed crowd of Japanese singletons shuffle awkwardly around conference-room tables, exchanging small-talk and CVs in an attempt to find a marriage partner — all of them accompanied by their parents.

One 38-year-old woman, who declined to give her name, said she “didn’t have the courage” to find a spouse and move away from her mother, who had come with her to the match-making party.

“I didn’t have many good opportunities to meet someone,” she explained, adding: “My workplace has lots of women but not many men.”

Roughly a quarter of Japanese people between 20 and 49 are single, according to government data.

And while people of this age routinely express a wish to get married, outdated social attitudes and increasing economic pressure is making tying the knot more and more difficult, experts say.

Sociology professor Masahiro Yamada from Tokyo’s Chuo University told AFP that the norm of single people living with their parents until marriage means there is less immediate pressure to find a partner.

“They think it’s a waste of time to have a relationship with someone who does not meet their conditions” and can afford to wait for a better catch, he said, dubbing these people “parasite singles.”

Although long-term financial security with a husband or wife is seen as important, the difficulty of finding affordable housing adds to the incentive to stay with mum and dad, he said.

One 74-year-old man at the party, on the hunt for a suitable bride for his 46-year-old son, pointed to another problem: overcoming shyness.

“My son is a salesman. He’s good at dealing with customers but he is very hesitant when it comes to women,” said the father.

Why was his son not looking for himself? He was too busy with work.

– Workaholic Japan –

The same father said his eldest daughter was married but his youngest, a doctor living in the US, is single at the age of 34.

He said he is worried for her, “as I’ve heard it is hard for female doctors to find partners”.

Shigeki Matsuda, a sociology professor at Chukyo University in central Japan, blames the country’s falling marriage rate on a phenomenon known as “hypergamy”.

“Japanese women tend to seek men with stable employment and education levels” higher than them, he explained.

Anecdotal evidence from the match-making party seemed to bear this out, a small queue of women forming to exchange contact details with one of the men who, it emerged, had the highest income of the group.

“The high ratio of unmarried men and women won’t change unless more women accept the idea of marrying a man with an income lower than herself,” said Yamada.

In addition, many people meet future spouses in the office in workaholic Japan, and there are fewer opportunities as jobs become more precarious.

In the decades after World War II, Japan rebuilt its economy largely via huge corporations offering ultra-dedicated workers a job for life — but that pattern is changing rapidly and job security is declining.

Since the early 1990s, the ratio of non-permanent and contract employees has risen from around 15 percent to just below 40 percent, according to labor ministry statistics.

– Focus on love –

“Lower levels of income and an increase in the number of extremely unstable jobs — with the fear of getting sacked at any time — are not helping people to think about getting married and having a family,” said Shuchiro Sekine, head of a trade union representing contract workers.

Even if these workers hope to find a partner, with less job security and lower income comes less chance of finding a spouse.

Six out of 10 men aged between 30-34 with a classic “salaryman” job were married as of 2017, according to a government study issued this year, whereas only 22 percent of male contract workers the same age had a wife.

Those at the Tokyo match-making party are the lucky ones, Sekine told AFP.”Those on lower incomes wouldn’t even think about attending.”

Despite these barriers, do such events help? Shoji Wakisaka, head of the association hosting the party, said there was no firm data but there had been some successes — if limited.

“About two percent of participants on average find a spouse.”

One single woman at the party said it was an “efficient” place to meet others who want to get married.

“You can’t exactly ask passers-by if they are married,” her mother added.

A marriage counselor at the party, Noriko Miyagoshi, implored would-be lovebirds to forget the finances and focus on Cupid’s arrow.

“You shouldn’t be making a lot of conditions,” she told participants.”I hope you choose the one you genuinely feel you’ll be able to get along with.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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7 Signs You Never Built A Solid Foundation For Your Relationship & How To Fix It

There are a lot of different factors that go into whether or not your relationship lasts. For instance, compatible values or right timing can mean a lot. But according to experts, one of the best ways to ensure that you and your partner will make it, is to build a solid foundation for your relationship. But what does that even mean?

As Vikki Louise, certified life and relationship coach, tells us, “A solid foundation in a relationship is one of honesty, communication and trust, which all come together.”

When you build a solid foundation in your relationship, Louise says a number of things will happen. You will talk to each other with respect and kindness, you will be patient with each other, you can trust your partner, and most importantly, any secrets you may have will be out in the open. Again, it’s all about honesty, trust, and communication. If those three major elements aren’t present in your relationship, you may not have built a solid foundation from the very beginning.

The good news is, you can turn it around right now. According to Louise, “All you have to do is stop the bad habits and start the good ones.” So here are some signs that you might not have built a solid foundation in your relationship and what you can do to fix it.

1. You Like To Vent About Your Partner To Other People

Andrew Zaeh 

“A solid foundation is when two people feel like they get to be each other’s first-point-of-contact,” Yue Xu, host and creator of the Dateable Podcast, tells us. For instance, when you’re having a rough day, your partner is the very first person you want to talk to. But if you’re complaining about your partner to all of your friends and your partner is the last person to hear about your complaints, that’s not a great sign. If you want to turn things around, establish your partner as your go-to person. “Address your issues with your partner before you blab to other people,” she says. “Nobody else will know your relationship as well as you and your partner. So give [them] the opportunity to address your issues before anybody else.”

2. Your Love Comes With Conditions

Andrew Zaeh 

Loving someone unconditionally means that your feelings for your partner will never change no matter what life throws at you. It’s a type of love that doesn’t happen overnight but develops over time. As Louise says, in order to establish unconditional and build a more solid foundation for your relationship, be sure to love your partner for who they really are. “The truth is, we are all human and we are all imperfect,” she says. “Love them no matter what.”

3. You’re Not Completely Comfortable Expressing Yourself

Andrew Zaeh 

Honesty and communication are two key elements for having a truly stable relationship. But it’s impossible to say that you have a solid foundation if you aren’t comfortable being yourself and expressing your true feelings. According to Louise, being your authentic self will help you build a strong foundation. But this can only happen if you’re willing to open up and be vulnerable. As scary as it can be for some, Louise says it’s important to give your partner the opportunity to love you unconditionally as well.

4. Your Fights Center Around The Same One Or Two Issues

Ashley Batz

Rehashing the same issues over and over again will only build walls in your relationship. So leave the past where it belongs — the past. “Maybe your relationship didn’t start off exactly as you wanted and maybe there were things to improve,” Louise says. “That’s OK. Focus less about what you both did in the past and give your energy to the partner you want to become in the future.” It’s important if you truly want to move towards a more stable future.

5. You Don’t Feel Like Your Partner Truly Gets You

Ashley Batz

When you haven’t built a solid foundation in your relationship, you may feel like you can’t express yourself without being judged or belittled. You may also feel like your partner doesn’t actually listen to you when you’re trying to express your feelings. In order to have a solid foundation, relationship expert and writer Jaala Thomas, tells us, “Both parties must begin with mutual respect for each other or a healthy relationship cannot exist.” If your partner isn’t showing you respect, which is pretty basic for any healthy relationship, you may need to reconsider whether this is right person for you.

6. The Person You’ve Gotten To Know Isn’t The Same Person You Initially Fell For

Ashley Batz

Chemistry and physical attraction will only get you so far. “Oftentimes a couple enters into a relationship without asking enough questions,” John Wilder, relationship coach and author of Sex Education for Adults, tells us. When this happens, you may find yourself celebrating your one-year anniversary with a person who doesn’t ever see themselves getting married or having kids in the future when that’s always been your ultimate dream. If you haven’t discovered your partner’s values early on, it’s important to do so as soon as possible. “The best way to deal with these problems is to ask all of those questions before you go any further and get satisfactory answers or you may need to consider ditching the relationship,” he says.

7. You Have Trouble Compromising

Ashley Batz

If the relationship feels completely one-sided, or you and your partner think of “me” before “we,” you may not have built a solid foundation for your relationship. Compromise is key and having the ability to compromise in a way that satisfies the both of you takes time and development. “Forget what you were told in movies,” Louise says. “Great relationships don’t happen by chance. They take work.” It’s pretty necessary if you want a long-term future with your partner.

Although both you and your partner should put in the work to make things change, Louise says it takes just one of you to initiate that change. “Often in relationships, we become mirrors of each other and our behavior is the biggest signal of how we expect to be treated,” she says. “For instance, if I expect you to hang out with my friends, I will spend time with yours. If I don’t want you to spend time with my friends, then I won’t push to spend time with yours.”

In other words, lead by example. If you show your partner that you want a more solid foundation that’s filled with trust, honesty, and communication, they will follow suit. With a little bit of time and work, you can have the solid relationship that you want.

How Do You Know If You’re With The Right Person? Ask Your Partner These 7 Questions

When you get into a relationship with someone, it’s safe to say that you want to make sure you’re not wasting your time. You want to be with someone who understands you, appreciates you, and is someone you can potentially see a future with. But because we aren’t mind readers, it can be hard to determine if your partner is really right for you. Lucky for you, you don’t necessarily need to be clairvoyant to figure this out because there are questions you can ask your partner to see if they’re “The One.”

“On the surface, asking questions sounds like a good idea, however, how you ask is the key,” Richard Horowitz, professional educator and co-founder of Growing Great Relationships, tells us. “Your partner does not want to feel interrogated. Therefore try to ask questions naturally and not all at once and also ask your partner to ask question so that it feels like a mutual conversation.” Through these conversations over you time, you’ll be able to learn about things such as their values, likes, and dislikes, which can play a huge part in whether or not you two may be compatible with each other. But if you’re confused about where to start, here are seven questions you can ask your partner to find out if they’re truly the right person for you.

1. How Would We Handle Worst-Case Scenarios?

Andrew Zaeh 

Sometimes the best questions to ask your partner have to do with the extremes. Christine Scott-Hudson, licensed psychotherapist, marriage therapist, and owner of Create Your Life Studio, tells us that asking your partner about how they would handle things like emotional affairs, illnesses in the family, or even invasive in-laws is a good way to gauge your partner’s views and how they are under pressure. If your partner’s answers show a willingness to work together to figure out a solution, it’s a good indicator that they’ll be a communicative partner throughout the relationship. But if they have hard-and-fast rules about certain things, you can determine if they’re someone who’s right for you. This question is also a good way to determine if your partner is going to be the support system that you need in a relationship or not.

2. Do You See A Future Here?

This question may seem like it would be awkward to ask early on in a relationship, but it can really show you whether your partner can see things progressing. “Many couples notice they have doubts about the progression of their relationship,” Scott-Hudson says. She suggests asking about all the things that may come with the progression of a relationship like what pace they want to move at and when they’d like to meet and involve friends and family members. “These things are best discussed before the couple moves in together or marries in order to prevent misunderstandings and to promote clear and healthy communication.”

3. Do You Want Kids?

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

You may want to become a perpetual dog-parent and never have kids, or you may want to an entire football team as a family. Whatever your preference is, it’s important to discuss it with your partner to see if you two are on the same page. With something like kids, it’s a little harder to compromise on. Scott-Hudson explains that it’s also important to be on the same page about the issue of possible infertility, to determine if you and your partner would be supportive of each other in that case. She also explains that it’s important to take it a step further and ask about how they would want to raise kids, if you both want them. She suggests asking questions like, “In what religion [if any] will we raise our children? Public or private school? Do you expect one parent to be a stay at home parent, and one to work? Or do you expect both parents to work outside of the home? Will they work during high school and college, or be full time students? Is adoption a possibility? Is in vitro a possibility? Is foster parenting a possibility?”

4. How Do You Feel About Your Family?

Andrew Zaeh 

Family can either be a great or a tricky subject for some people. Either way it’s important to learn about your partner’s family and their interactions with them to determine what values your partner grew up with and how they might act in the future. “How they answer will determine their attachment to important people they grew up with and gives you good information about how they will treat you and your possible children in the future,” Dr. Tammy Nelson, sex therapist and sex therapist and consultant for Ashley Madison, tells us. “It doesn’t matter if they are in a positive relationship with both parents, but more importantly, if they have forgiven them for past mistakes.”

5. How Do You Feel About Sex?

Sex shouldn’t just be something you and your partner do, it should also be something that you talk about. “We choose a partner based on physical and sexual attraction,” Nelson says. “If sex is important to you now, it’s definitely going to be important to you later on. Make sure that you both have the same level of interest in sex and you both see it as a priority.” This is also the case if you’re someone who doesn’t want to have sex. Being open and honest about your position on sex and asking your partner to do the same can show you whether or not you two are compatible.

6. How Important Are Politics To You?

Andrew Zaeh 

For many of us, our political ideals are directly aligned with our identities and personal values. Asking your partner about their political affiliations or who they vote for can give you an idea of what they care about and also what they might not be too concerned with. “Strangely enough, we can put up with separate religious or spiritual views and we can handle it if they are terrible slobs as roommates, but studies show that we cannot tolerate a partner who votes on the opposite side of the aisle,” Nelson says. “It might not seem like a big deal now, but if your partner has different values than you, it will matter. Particularly now, at a time when the government is divided so clearly down party lines around things that matter deeply.”

7. How Do You Act After Arguments?

Although it may be hard for your partner to be totally perceptive to how they act after arguments, asking this question can give you an idea of your partner’s behaviors and what they might need from you whenever you have a falling out. Scott-Hudson suggests asking questions like, “Do you like to be left alone? Do you need physical comfort, like a hug or a pat on the arm, when you are upset? Do you need time and space to process your feelings? Do you need me to reassure you that I’m not leaving you, that I’m not going anywhere, or abandoning you?” By asking your partner these questions, you can determine if their behaviors at your relationship’s worst will be something you’ll be able to deal with or not. And if not, you might have to reevaluate whether they’re the one for you.

It might be hard to determine if your partner is your perfect match with a few questions, but these questions are a starting point to bigger discussions that can really show you what’s important to you and your partner and if those values are compatible in the long-run.

 

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