How To Date A Girl Out Of Your League

The following advice is important and has always worked for me. Good luck, gents!

In the romantic gamble of dating, you must have come across this idiomatic phrase – ‘way out of your league’. The phrase in the simplest of dating terms means that the girl whom you badly want to date or had Cupid’s luck to make your girlfriend is someone who is more accomplished, a stronger individual, more loved and adored by people, than you. Is your hope of dating a girl out of your league futile?

Every time you see her, walk with her and talk with her, you feel the world’s gaze on you. It’s as if you can almost hear them throwing dirty and incredulous looks at you that very clearly read – “How can he date someone who is way out of his league?” So, you end up with this unsettling feeling in the pit of your stomach –’ she’s way too good for me’ or ‘I am simply not good enough for her’. And you are convinced that your love interest is way out of your league and nothing will work between the two of you.

But before you start doubting yourself, let us let you in a secret – the most accomplished, beautiful, and gorgeous women often fall for men who like them for all the right reasons. These women know they have the power to make guys worship them, but they are looking for someone who looks beyond the gorgeousness. Now, if you are genuinely interested in dating a girl out of your league, we are here to help. If you are looking for answers on how do you get a girl who is out of your league, we tell you how.

How to tell if a girl is way out of your league

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She is someone whom every guy has set his heart on. They’d go to any lengths to date her and are willing to impress her with charming looks, money, and extravagant gifts. And you are losing your heart because you are just an average-looking guy. STOP! Don’t lose heart, not just yet, because you too have a shot at dating her.

Before you actually go after the girl of your dreams, you might want to decide if she is really way out of your league or simply pretending to be. Is she just an attention seeker who toys with many hearts at once?

Finding out if a girl is way out of your league actually varies from person to person depending on what skill sets, ideas, expectations, and behavior she outranks you in.

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6 ways to find out if a girl you plan on dating is out of your league
  1. Consider her looks: It’s a common dating behavior observed among people. They tend to pick dating partners who can match their own attraction levels. So, if you think you are less good-looking than her or are simply average-looking, then there is a chance she may consider herself out of your league. As shallow as the reason can be, that’s the brutal way the dating world works
  2. Consider her socio-economic class: This is the most common method taken by guys to figure out their leagues. If she is a rich girl walking around in expensive cars and designer clothes, she may consider ‘money’ as a deciding factor in dating. Keep track of her past relationships if any, and see what kind of guys she has dated in the past, and do a quick background check of their economies. However, that doesn’t mean that poor guys don’t date rich girls. You simply have to see if your rich girl dates poor guys or not
  3. Check her education level: For some girls, brains matter equally along with beauty. If she is far more educated than you, she will rule herself out of your league and date someone with similar educational background
  4. Try to know her lifestyle choices: In order to be compatible, you need to know if you share the same lifestyle choices and outlook towards life. If she is a fitness freak and you’re not, if she’s religious and you’re not, if she believes in the goodness of humanity and you do not, chances are slim that she will prefer dating you
  5. She never introduces you to people in her life: She agreed to be your girlfriend, yet somehow she has successfully dodged the occasion of introducing you to anyone from her social circle. That is your cue to know that maybe she likes dating you, but not that enough to introduce you to her friends and family. Chances are that she considers herself out of your league and you are not good enough for her
  6. She’s noticed more than you: It’s not as if you didn’t know, but the universe never stops reminding you. Whenever you walk out, she’s the one who easily blends with the crowd or strikes a conversation with total strangers. She is smiled at all the time and is often complimented more. She has a huge friends circle. Every time, she is the one overshadowing you and you are simply a dull spot in the backdrop

That’s how you slowly get to know that maybe she is out of your league. You weigh her, and then you weigh yourself on many parameters. Yet, the attraction remains and a part of you wants to date her, get to know her better, and even fall in love with her, even as your close friends keep telling you she is a girl out of your league.

So, what to do next? Do you simply let her go, or do you win your way into her league?

Definitely, gird your loins and try to win your girl. So here are 8 tips to impress the girl who is out of your league.

8 tips to date a girl who is out of your league

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We have seen many couples walking down the street or at a family dinner where the one question would always tug at our minds –” How did he manage to get someone out of his league?” So if you feel your chances of dating a hot, glamorous girl out of your league are grim, try out the below tried and tested tips while trying to woo a girl out of your league.

1. Get past her looks

A lot of guys want to date a good-looking woman only for the sheer fun of it – she is pretty and she can be arm candy. If you are really interested in her, ask yourself why would you want to date her? Is it because she’s hot or because you like the way she is? Of is it just to boost your social status, win a bet or make an ex jealous. That would be really cheap on your part, and you will not be successful.

But if you wish to date her to know her, and enjoy things that both of you like, then go ahead. Picture her in your head with a double chin and a few extra pounds – does she still appeal to you? If she does, you would always be sincere with her and that can make you win her, forever.

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2. Change your negative dating beliefs

Do not always limit yourself to the belief that girls date rich and handsome guys only. Ask any hot girl and she will tell you how shallow this all seems and how desperately she is looking for someone who’d like her beyond her looks! Someone who comes with just a rose but a heart full of love and eyes that gleam of affection. Someone who yearns to spend time with her, not the friends to show her off!

You must know someone who could prove this belief wrong and show that not all girls are the same. You simply have to rise above these negative beliefs and find yourself a dating partner, even if she is way hotter than you.

3. Get over the fear of rejection

Negative dating beliefs combined with the fear of hearing a ‘no’ push many guys out of the game of love. Step over that fear and pretend that she is ‘not’ out of your league. Some girls are haughty and rude, but not all girls are the same.

And you would have done your research on her before you’d actually made up your mind to woo her. Approach her with that make-believe courage and you’ll be surprised to hear a sweet ‘yes’.

4. Make the most of your friend zone

Sharing great friendships with women can actually give you more insight into what women really want. Your friends (who are girls) can actually help you drop your inhibitions around women and that way you move closer to her league. You will be surprised when you know that they are looking for simpler things in their life- not expensive cars and extravagant gifts!

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5. Treat her as someone special

The fastest way to win a girl is by making sure she is appreciated and is treated like a queen. Don’t just compliment her. Try to know the little things about her. What does she love doing when alone? How does she take her coffee? What does she fear the most? When you try to reach the real her and make her see how beautiful and special she is, there’s no way she will seem ‘out of your league’. She will seem like a really simple person beyond her clothes and reputation.

6. Be the real you

Don’t try to buy yourself into her heart by showering gifts, making extravagant promises, and making up stories about your life to impress her. Rather, be honest with your feelings. Talk about the genuine episodes of your life, ask her about her life. Share something real. Work on your sense of humor- which will stay with you even when other physical charms fade away. That will make her drop her league for you in the long run.

7. Build your self-confidence

Whether you make money, change your appearance, build six-pack abs, nothing is going to get you your girl until you work on your self-confidence. Get to the root of your insecurities and weed them out. Instead of focusing on what you don’t have, focus on grooming your own talents. Maybe she is better looking, but you are the better guitarist. So why not try to work on your guitar skills to impress her? She may be out of your league, but once you decide to run that extra mile and work upon yourself, you will be in her league.

8. Show her you’re good enough

Most guys put a lot of effort into getting the attention of the girl without having any plans to sustain it. Once you have the girl’s attention, make sure she gets to see who you really are. Always be a gentleman, treating everyone with respect and honor. Never show off and don’t be a jerk whom she doesn’t even want to see. Take your time in knowing her and always be cordial and warm towards her. Do not act desperate for attention. Do not stalk her or make her feel unsafe – just be around her when she is in trouble. Be someone she can rely on; not someone who cracks cheap jokes at the expense of others. She will definitely start noticing you if you make sincere attempts on getting her attention.

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Girls who are approached the most are usually not treated with much respect or are asked for sexual favours. Show her that you’re not like the rest and are not looking for a short term sexual fling.

Keep in mind the above tips and work on them if you are serious about dating. Who knows, the next time you walk down the street with your girlfriend, everyone has a tough time answering – “how did he find someone way out of his league?” But you sure know the nuances of attracting and dating a woman.

And, you just smile your way on.

Oh, and one final note that’s always worked for me. No one is out of your league if you’ve got good game and are confident in yourself.

If you’ve already succeeded and have met a lovely girl, I say well done, sir. You earned her!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Does Ignoring Someone You Like Make Them Want You More? Experts Say It Can Backfire

One of the most fun parts about dating or talking to someone new is the “texting” phase. Every time you hear your phone’s message notification, it feels like a little electric shock runs through your stomach. But should you reply right away, or is it better to play it a little “cool”? There is definitely something to say about the idea of wanting what you can’t have, but does ignoring someone you like make them want you more? According to Connell Barrett, Dating Transformation founder and executive dating coach, straight-up ignoring someone you’re crushing on not only doesn’t look good, but it may even come back to bite you in the end.

“I would never endorse ignoring someone,” says Barrett, calling the behavior potentially “manipulative.” However, he adds that it is sometimes a good idea to give someone you’re interested in some distance to feel your absence. “It’s OK to give someone the gift of missing you — to give them space and let them think about you a little bit.”

This is especially true when you are first getting to know one another, says Barrett, when it may actually be the most tempting to just leave them on read or ignore them completely. “If you’re in the early stages of dating, you want to avoid being overly eager, because that can come across as needy,” he explains. But Barrett adds that this doesn’t mean you should be rude or play mind games. “Rather than ignoring someone, you want to cultivate a full, rich, busy life, and people who lead busy lives will give the person they’re dating space because they’re not always texting and calling,” he says.

The issue, Barrett explains, is that purposefully ignoring someone is a mind game, and it’s inauthentic, which can easily backfire. So, his advice is to stay busy instead of just pretending to be busy. “Instead of ignoring someone, which creates the appearance of a full life, cultivate an actual fun, rich life, and then you won’t have to use tactics like ‘ignoring.’ You’ll just be busy, which does make you more attractive,” he says.

Barrett stresses that when you are interested in someone, it’s all about finding a balance between letting them know that you’re open to dating without coming off as “too eager”. “Dating is a dance, and part of that dance is not to be or appear needy or over-eager,” he explains. “Actively ignoring someone might work in the short term, but it usually backfires, because if there are mutual interest and chemistry, it will just come across as ‘game-playing’ and manipulation.”

What Barrett is ultimately getting at is that, if you want a real connection, you might want to just be authentic with the object of your affection. Sure, ignoring them may work in the short term, but you’re actually short-changing yourself by simply creating the artifice of a full life instead of striving to actually have one. It’s also easy to get caught up in a lie. So, maybe just give the mind games a pass and go ahead and reply to their texts instead.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

8 Sexist Things You Should Never Say to a Woman

Here’s one from one of my female readers. I thought it was worth sharing.

Take it away Melanie.

If you’re a woman, you’ve likely experienced your fair share of frustrating comments and questions from family, friends, and even strangers.

For some reason, many people think that it is totally OK to ask prying questions about a woman’s love life or make snarky comments about her eating habits. And for some reason, people get upset when you don’t give them nicely-packaged answers to their idiotic questions.

Luckily, some men (and women) realize the idiocy of such questions and comments, but unfortunately, there are many others that don’t. Consequently, many of us dread family get-togethers with that uncle who makes too many comments that toe the line of sexism. You don’t feel like it’s worth correcting him, since you just have a few more hours to get through before another 12-month break from him, but you certainly don’t feel good about letting his remarks go.

In the spirit of not letting others get away with covert sexism, here are some of the many dumb questions and comments that women receive throughout their lives. If you’re a woman, take solace in knowing you aren’t alone in hearing these remarks. If you’re a man, try to avoid saying these in the future. After all, we don’t need you to hold the door for us. We just want to be treated as peers.

1. “You look tired.”

Never say this to a woman, even if she looks like she just walked 30 miles straight without any rest. People throw this one out often (especially if the woman in question goes without makeup one day), but they really shouldn’t say it at all. We ladies receive enough attention on our appearances without your commentary, thank you!

2. “You might scare guys off with that attitude.”

This is an insult to both men and women, since it assumes that all men are looking for a passive female to stand by their side. Some relationships certainly operate that way, and that’s great, but in others, the woman will be more dominant… and that’s OK. Plus, a woman’s sole purpose on Earth is not to find a man. The recipient of this comment might not even be interested in men. And if they are, they might not be interested in being in a relationship. So please, just don’t..

3. “Calm down, it’s just a joke.”

If you say something stupid or make a sexist joke, don’t act defensively when someone calls you out. Own your actions, learn from them, and move on. Saying that something sexist is “just a joke” does nothing besides make you look immature. Instead, be an adult, and take your slip-up as an opportunity to grow, admitting that what you said was insensitive.

4. “You’re not really into sports. Since you say you are, name all 32 NFL teams.”

Ever heard of the WNBA? Women’s soccer? Any female college athlete? Any female kid who plays kickball? The idea that women should have to prove that she actually knows sports is just plain dumb. Why not grab a beer and talk about trade rumors with her instead?

5. “You’re not seeing anyone?” (Often featuring: “We need to find you a man!”)

This is another classic that women often hear at family gatherings. Again, a woman’s sole objective in life is not to be in a relationship at all times. This sexist comment makes it seem like seeing anyone – even someone who treats you terribly – is better than being single.

6. “Why not him? He’s nice!”

This suggests that finding a partner is just about finding “a nice young man who will treat you right.” It’s an extremely old-fashioned idea, and frankly, a terrible way of thinking.

7. “Are you sure you want to order that?” (Often featuring an unwelcome comment on your weight.)

“Yep, and I’m also going to get a side of ‘mind your own business.’” Sadly, this question often comes from other women, but that women-hating-women cycle doesn’t have to continue. Don’t comment on someone being “so skinny” or “a little big,” and don’t comment on their food choices, either. Pay attention to your own life, and let people enjoy their cheeseburgers in peace.

8. “When do you think that you’ll start having kids?”

Do you know what’s especially great? When someone asks you this question after they hit you with #5. Because again, all that women are here for is to get married and have kids, right?

Can we all agree to leave these sexist comments and questions in the past? They’re shallow, insulting, lazy conversation. Instead, ask someone about their interests, comment on something amazing they did (that isn’t related to their appearance), or talk about something that’s going on in the news. There is an infinite number of great things that you can say to women… and none of them involve their appearance or romantic prospects.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Back The Tracks – Part 7 – The  Journey to Metamorphosis

Philadelphia, PA – 1970s

Some days when the weather was nice and you had nothing to do, we’d just go back the tracks and go on a journey. That’s what we’d call it. “Let’s go on a journey.” That meant we had to explore some part of the tracks or woods we hadn’t been to before. I loved our little journeys.

My friend RJ had a sweet tooth and he always spent his paperboy money on Reese’s cups. He loved them, and back then they were only a nickel. Two for ten cents. He would buy a whole box of them and eat them all.

One of the most memorable candies he ever brought with him on one of our journeys was a box of sixlets. There are these little round colored candies in a sealed cellophane packet of six. Think of little round M&M’s, but cheaper chocolate filling.

Sixlets 8-Ball Tubes - 20lb Bulk | CandyStore.com

You could hold one end of the packet, put the whole thing in your mouth and pull… and it would unload the full clip of all six candies into your mouth. We ate so many of those that day, we never finished the box and probably never ate them again after that.

There was a bunch of weird candy back then. Pixie sticks, the little wax bottles with the colored liquid in them, (I think they were called, Nik a Nips) Candy cigarettes, (The little chalky white ones and the gum ones wrapped in paper so they looked like real cigarettes. You could blow into it to emit a puff of sugary smoke. What a brilliant way to teach children the dangers of smoking!) Wax lips, (You wore them as a comedic gag, and then ate them? (Tasted like wax. Surprise, surprise.) The gum in bubble gum card packs, (Literally shattered in your mouth) and who can forget the little necklace of cheerio sized candies you could bite off and eat? (What’s better than edible jewelry?) Or, the sound Pop Rocks made as they sizzled on your tongue!

Wasn’t there some story about how some kid died from eating Pop Rocks and drinking soda?

https://www.thrillist.com/eat/nation/pop-rocks-urban-legend-mikey-death

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Razzles, Choc O Lite bars, Mallow Cups, Marathon Bars,  and Blackjack gum. Oh, remember the long strips of paper that looked like cash register receipts but had little dots of candy stuck to them? They were all different colors and the colors changed as you went down the paper. You literally bit those tiny morsels of sugar off the strip. How much paper did we consume as children? (spitballs don’t count!) remember Bottle Caps? (Cola flavor? Yes, please!) Mike and Ike’s, Good ‘n Plenty, Good ‘n Fruity, Laffy Taffy, (with the joke on every wrapper), Bazooka Gum, Bubble Yum, Charms Blow Pops, and who can forget Lik M Aid Fun Dip?

I’m sure there are dozens more I can’t remember off the top of my head. Okay, let’s clear my sugary palette before I need an insulin shot with this vintage photo.

Here’s an old pic of RJ threatening to shoot a paper clip at me!

One day my friends and I went on a journey just following the tracks north. There was always this feeling you’d get when you were a boy when you realized you’d gone further than you’d ever ventured before. We knew all of the sights and sounds of the whole area. We knew miles of the tracks and the woods back then. All of it. You could drop me anywhere in those woods and I would have been able to navigate my way out of them in at least three different ways or paths.

We’d walk along and things would start to look different and we knew we’d reached the end of our proverbial sidewalk. This was new territory and new things to discover. But you had the train tracks as your foundation. No matter how far we went we figured we couldn’t get lost because we’d simply follow the tracks back in the other direction to take us home. It was so cool.

So we’re walking north on one of our journeys and we reached what I believe to be the Cottman Street car bridge that crossed over the tracks from Cheltenham into Philly. There were some kids playing down there on the sides of the tracks who we didn’t know. They seemed to be doing something with some ponds of water that had pooled on the side of the tracks.

It was stagnant rainwater that had formed these pools. But things grow in stagnant water. Mostly mosquitoes, but there was something else going on here. These kids were catching tadpoles! We approached them to watch what they were doing. We had never seen tadpoles or anything like that before. They were catching them and putting them in jars of water. We knew what had to be done.

For today our journey had reached its end. We had found something new and would be coming back to this place.

My friends and I put our heads together on how we would proceed in this new adventure in an attempt to acquire some free wildlife.

We gathered some baby food jars and some little nets somebody must have clipped from their family’s fish tank (probably me) and the next day we were off again.

We followed the tracks back to where our last journey took us and happily the long pools of stagnant water were still there. Think about that. A bunch of nice kids from middle-class families with plenty of toys to play with, play on the railroad tracks, and are going fishing in smelly stagnant pools full of who knows what kind of disease and vermin, and it was awesome!

I surveyed the area. The pools were 20 to 30 feet long. There were several. I walked down to the very beginning where it was the most shallow. I wanted to start slowly, rather than just dig right in with nets into the deeper water. Who knew what was in there? What if there was some kind of evil snake that lived in there? (The water was only 6 to 9 inches deep at the deepest point.)

So I’m walking along the edge of the shallow end which is maybe an inch deep. I like the origins of things so I wanted to start at the beginning. My friend RJ and Paul were just dipping nets into the bigger pools where we had seen the other kids working the day before.

I noticed in the shallow end there was hundreds of tiny black tadpoles. Just writhing and wiggling their little tails no bigger than your pinky nail. But as I walked north along the side of the pool the water got murkier and you couldn’t see anything. You had to blindly just dip your net in the water and see if you got anything.

But lo and behold we started to catch some tadpoles. They were all about an inch and a half in length, and we would dip our jars into the brackish water and pop the tadpoles inside. We only captured around four of five of them, and neither RJ nor Paul had anywhere to keep them, so custody of our new pets fell on me. I didn’t mind. I was happy to have some new living creatures that I caught on my own and didn’t come from a store. Free pets!

I recently started watching a terrific series on Amazon Prime about a family that moves from England to the island of Corfu in the Greek isles in the 1930s. The youngest son Gerald loves wildlife and is always out studying and catching animals and bringing them home. It reminds me of how much we loved nature as kids. He’s my favorite character and based on the author of the original books. It’s a wonderful show and worth checking out!

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Anyway…I had an old plastic tank that I found in the trash somewhere. We were always trash picking as kids. It was great. I found the best stuff in other people’s trash! I still had the plastic tank left over from the whole Rosalie’s Rodents incident.

(If you didn’t read this on Tuesday, here’s the link again.)

Rosalie’s Rodents

So we filled it with water from the hose out back of my house and put our tadpoles in. I didn’t know how they would do coming from a stagnant pool into Philly tap water, but the little guys thrived.

Stressed-out tadpoles grow larger tails to escape predators | University of Michigan News

I don’t know if I put anything in the water to feed them but I must have. I think RJ got some fish food and we sprinkled that into the tank on a weekly basis. I kept those little tadpoles for a couple of months, and of course, some miraculous things began to happen. You can be taught things in school and read things in books, and look at diagrams and photos of wildlife. But to have the actual creatures in your possession and witness it first hand is something grand. I’m talking about metamorphosis.

One by one the tadpoles began to sprout legs! It was incredible to see. A living thing in your own life that is slowly changing before your young eyes. Not in a textbook but in your hand. Of course, we wanted to touch everything as kids, and you could bring them out briefly and hold them. We would put them back in the water and they would continue on their journey.

Then you’d see a little arm sprout from one side, followed by another one shortly thereafter. That’s when I loved them best. Their tails were shrinking, but they had arms and legs. They started to look like fat little salamanders or newts. But they were still changing so you could hold them for brief periods but had to put them back in the water so they stayed wet.

Tadpole | EEK Wisconsin

But within a few weeks, they had transformed into lovely little frogs. I always wondered if it hurt for them to change from one thing into another thing so quickly. (around 12 weeks) But they always seemed fine to me.

Eventually, once they matured, they simply hopped out of the tank and went on their way. I always believed they probably lived out their lives in my backyard.

A brilliant science lesson about amphibians all from just following the railroad tracks a little further from home.

I loved playing back the tracks as a kid. I spent so many happy hours back there with my friends. It was close to home, but a place to disappear into nature and our own little world.

I guess I could always relate to the little tadpoles eventually becoming frogs. Because as children we were like them. Just all together swimming around in the little pond of our neighborhood. Then one day we all grew up and hopped away into adulthood.

What would life have been like if we hadn’t moved away back in 1979? We’d probably have a lot more stories.

But some days when the day is warm, we can all pause and think back to a simpler time. When we could simply just go out and play.

There comes a day when you hang out with your friends. Just going to play outside. You never know when that day is coming but it does to us all.

There’s that day where none of you realize it, but it’s the absolute last time you will all hang out and just play outside.

Morning Briefing: The Details On Playgrounds Reopening

I hope you enjoyed this little series. It began as a short piece from my past and grew into an epic tale!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

How To Tell Someone You Have Herpes, According To Experts

Herpes. For some, just the word alone can result in a rollercoaster of emotions. So to find out you have herpes, can feel really scary. But it shouldn’t be. While herpes may not be cured with an antibiotic, like other STIs, it is treatable. People don’t “suffer” from herpes; people live with it and continue to have great lives — and sex lives too.

But, as is the case with any STI you have, it is something that you need to tell your partner. If you’re going to be a responsible sexually active person in this world, you owe to yourself and everyone you sleep with, to be honest about anything you have that could possibly be transmitted to them.

“Any diagnosis of an STI can be frightening/upsetting/insert-other-not-good-feeling, but it is not the end of the world. I feel like I say that so often, but it really is the case,” Dr. Megan Stubbs, Ed.D, a sex and relationship expert, tells Bustle. When telling your partner, either potential or existing, “honesty and upfront communication is key. Try to find a neutral location for this conversation to happen. Right before bed or when you’re about to be sexual isn’t the ideal setting,” Stubbs says.

According to the Center for Disease Control, “more than one out of every six people aged 14 to 49 years have genital herpes,” also known as HSV-2, in the United States. As for oral herpes, HSV-1, that number is much higher, with the World Health Organization estimating that 3.7 billion people under 50 have it. Because oral herpes, aka cold sores, are so common, many people may not think they need to have a conversation about it with their partner — but because oral herpes can be transferred to the genitals, it’s still a conversation that needs to happen.

“It just takes that skin on skin contact to transmit the virus, so when we think about oral sex, we need to think about our oral herpes,” Dr. Stubbs says. “Again, this may take some time for them to process. Herpes is so common, but some people may still be unaware of the finer details of the virus… it’s something that you should disclose to your partner so that they can make informed decisions regarding their own sexual wellbeing.”

It should also be noted that if you have herpes, genital or otherwise, it’s not as though you will be walking around with sores for the rest of your life, but there is no cure. According to the Mayo Clinic, herpes treatment comes in the forms of prescription antiviral medications like Acyclovir (Zovirax) and Valacyclovir (Valtrex). These medications not only help to heal sores faster than they would without them but also help to prevent future outbreaks, as well as the severity of those outbreaks. While medications also minimize the chance of transmitting the virus to others, there is still no guarantee, and wearing condoms, even if there isn’t a current outbreak, is always necessary.

With that in mind, find a cozy place, get your facts straight, and tell your partner you need to have a chat, start with:

  • I just had a checkup.
  • I have a diagnosis of herpes.
  • This means we need to have to talk bout it.

After that, here’s exactly what to say to a partner if you find out you have herpes.

1. Tell Them Before You Have Sex

Ashley Batz/Bustle

Although telling your current partner you have herpes before you have sex the next time is likely to be a little more difficult than telling a new partner, it still has to be done.

“It’s great to have this conversation before you engage in any sexual activity,” Dr. Stubbs says. “For an existing partner, this can be trickier. Assuming you both were tested before you became sexual partners, this may be a larger conversation than just revealing your status. Was there cheating involved? Was there an exposure during group play? Have you been sexual with your partner since then?”

Let them know as soon as you find out and definitely before you are sexual again. You just need to put it out there and tell them you have herpes — and do it before you get into bed with each other. As Dr. Stubbs points out, a neutral spot is really the best option. The bedroom should be free of all serious talks anyway — that’s a place for dirty talk and sexual fun.

2. Tell Them About The Virus

If you’ve been diagnosed with herpes, not only were you probably sent home with a pamphlet, but you probably got on your computer and did your own research for hours. Dr. Stubbs suggests telling your partner about the virus and giving them the facts. A good place to start is with statistics, so your partner realizes just how common herpes is.

There are two types of herpes: HSV-1 and HSV-2. The World Health Organization estimates that, globally, 3.7 billion people under 50 have HSV-1, while 417 million people between 15 and 49 have HSV-2. The difference between the two strains of herpes is that HSV-1 is contracted and transmitted orally, and the outbreak is a cold sore. HSV-2, on the other hand, is sexually transmitted and shows up as sores around the genitals. However, HSV-1 can cause genital herpes if there’s contact during an oral outbreaksay, if you give your partner head while you have an active cold sore.

3. Give Them Space

When you tell your partner, either current or new, that you have herpes, there’s no way to know how they’ll react. For a current partner, this could open up a whole conversation about fidelity or past partners, while in both cases there might be a bit of a shock. Because of the stigma surrounding herpes, it’s important to give your partner space after you have the talk.

“Let them think about it,” Stubbs. “Don’t pressure them for an answer right away. They may want to do their own research on it.”

Some people buy into the stigma and, even after telling them all the facts, may choose to keep their distance. If that’s the case, let them do that. It’s their loss; not yours.

4. Talk About STI Screening

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Let this conversation open the door to STI screening. Anyone who’s sexually active should consider regular STI screening because condoms aren’t foolproof and, honestly, you just never know.

“Often times you can be asymptomatic and not know you have the virus,” Dr. Stubbs says. “So even if your partner isn’t exhibiting any symptoms, it’s best to be tested.”

STI screenings are quick and easy. They’re also something we should all do for ourselves and our partners, no matter if they’re casual, short-term, or long-term.

5. Allow Yourself And Your Partner To Be Emotional

“Herpes can bring up a lot of emotions, especially when it comes to our sexual partners,” Dr. Stubbs says. Since that’s the case, let yourself be emotional! It’s OK! We have emotions for a reason and that reason is to feel them, then express them. But it’s also important to keep things in perspective.

“Being informed, upfront, and honest with your diagnosis is the best thing you can do for yourself and your partnership,” Dr. Stubbs says.

6. Tell Them This Really Isn’t The End Of The World

More than anything, make sure your partner truly realizes this isn’t the end of the world — not for you, not for them, and certainly not for your sex life together. It’s simply an STI that you have, something that you take medication for, and something you both need to be aware of when having sex.

“Genital herpes will not ruin your sex life,” Dr. Sheila Loanzon, a board-certified OB-GYN and author of Yes, I Have Herpes, tells us. “This diagnosis has the opportunity to cause isolation and destroy the possibility of future relationships if you let it. While the virus may seem catastrophic to some, in terms of disclosure to future partners, outbreak management, and cultural stigmatization of the virus, there are numerous HSV positive men and women (who are publicly sharing their virus status on social media), who are in fulfilling and loving sexual relationships.” And Dr. Loanzon says this as both a doctor and a woman with herpes.

“As a single woman dating, I have actually found that after disclosure it has not made a difference to my partners what my positive status was,” Dr. Loanzon says. “They would like to get to know me as a person.”

Definitely not the end of the world at all.

Finding out you have herpes isn’t easy. Nor is telling your partner. But it still has to be done. So take a deep breath, find a neutral place, and just tell them with clarity and honesty. It’s likely to go smoother than you imagined.

 

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