4 Mantras To Recite Before Breaking Up With Someone, So You Can Let Go

There are few things harder than making the decision to end a relationship, especially when your partner doesn’t see it coming. Regardless of what your reasons might be for the breakup, you may catch yourself second-guessing and questioning your decision. What if you’re making the wrong choice? What if you’re not as happy without them? Dwelling on these questions may make you spiral, so in order to keep your head above water, it’s helpful to have a few mantras to recite before breaking up with someone.

Now that cuffing season is officially in full swing, it can be easy to get caught up in the idea of being in a relationship. Having a special someone to come home to and marathon cringeworthy Hallmark movies with can provide a huge source of comfort during the holiday season. However, this time of year, some people may feel more inclined to stay in a relationship that they know deep down isn’t totally fulfilling them. If you fall into this category, you may be dragging your feet when you know your connection is at a dead-end, and sometimes, you just gotta rip the band-aid off. To help you do that, here are some mantras to keep in mind.

I fully trust myself and my instincts.

Reflection of a young attractive caucasian woman looking to mirror. Wearing casual, beautiful blue eyes, serious look. Indoors, copy space.

Shutterstock

If you’ve been going in circles trying to decide whether or not to break up with someone, it can feel almost impossible to get out of your own head and look at things objectively. There’s always going be what-ifs and unanswered questions, but the key is to have faith in yourself and your instincts. This is especially important to keep in mind if the breakup isn’t mutual, and your ex-partner tries to convince you that things are better with them than without them.

Nicole Richardson, a licensed counselor and marriage and family therapist, recommends taking a step back and remembering why you wanted to do this in the first place. “It is important to have a list of all the reasons you broke up,” she tells Elite Daily. “And remind yourself when your brain starts to play the tape of all the ‘good ol’ times.’”

I’m focused on prioritizing my happiness.

Pain is a given after any breakup, and if you had deep feelings for each other, it may not be an easy transition at first. Because feelings don’t just fade away the day after a breakup, getting to a point where you feel OK again may be hard on both of you. If you’re someone who’s prioritized your partner’s feelings instead of your own in the past, try to switch mindsets and focusing on your own happiness and well-being. Take some time to really think about what makes you happy, whether it’s hanging out with your friends, trying a new workout class, or eating your bodyweight in double-stuff oreos (all three are equally valid options, IMO).

It’s OK to care about someone and move on without them.

This mantra can be the hardest to internalize. When you’re so used to having your life intertwined with someone else’s, it can be extremely difficult to imagine yourself moving on without them, especially if there’s no bad blood between the two of you. Just because you want to go your separate ways doesn’t mean you don’t still care about each other — it can just means that you’re ready to start a new chapter in your life and figure out who you are as an individual.

I deserve to be in a relationship that fulfills me.

We’re all tired of hearing the cliché: “there are plenty more fish in the sea”, but sometimes, it really can help put things in perspective. Currently, there are over 7.5 billion people on this planet, so your odds of finding a relationship that’s fulfilling, exciting, and uplifting are fortunately pretty high. Keep reminding yourself that there’s probably someone better out there, and that you deserve to love and be loved unconditionally.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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What Makes a Man Attractive? 15 Traits Guys Should Focus On

What makes a man attractive may be the million-dollar question, but it’s not that hard to answer. It could be you just need to shift your focus a little.

Many men write to me, asking me about what makes a man attractive to a woman. Now, it’s a pretty broad question to ask. Every woman is different. Some like their guys with a sense of humor, other women like their men shy.

Before we proceed, it’s important to know that there’s no one-size-fits-all approach. That being said, there are general traits which a majority of women look for when trying to find a suitable partner. And these traits have nothing to do with you looking like Ryan Gosling or a million dollar pay check every month.

What makes a man attractive?

In my own experience, what I found attractive in men was basic. I wanted a talkative partner with a good sense of humor and who is calmer than me. I’m usually wired like an Energizer bunny, and if my partner was the same, we’d be in big trouble. But this doesn’t mean my best friend or the girl down the street wants the same thing.

No one said finding a partner was going to be easy, especially because everyone wants different things. But alas, here we are, and there are some traits that most women can all agree are desirable. So, if you want to know what makes a man attractive, keep reading. It’s time to find out!

#1 Your face isn’t the ticket. Yes, women would love to have a chance with Ryan Gosling or Chris Evans, but in reality, women aren’t that interested if you’re better looking or not. Women usually opt for more attractive men for flings. However, when it comes to serious relationships, they’re not interested in finding the hottest guy in town.

#2 Women want to laugh. At the end of the day, we want a partner who’s going to make us laugh. A sense of humor is extremely important, and it should be a must-have trait on your list as well. Can you imagine being with someone who doesn’t make you laugh? Men who are found to have a good sense of humor appear more intelligent.

#3 It’s all about kindness. Though the bad boy may look appealing, they’re not long-term partner material. Instead, when women want to settle down, they look for altruistic men who are interested in helping others and doing good things.

#4 Hygiene. So, appearance does matter, but probably not to the extent you’re thinking. You don’t need to wear the latest brand names or have an expensive watch to seem attractive. But, women are looking for men who are well-groomed and hygienic. No one wants to date a stinky man. Taking care of yourself on a basic level is attractive to women.

#5 Beard or no beard? Many men wonder if having a beard affects their interactions with women. Well, having a beard or no beard is largely based on personal preference. So, facial hair can make you attractive, but it can also act as a repellent. Choose what you like when it comes to facial hair.

#6 Confidence. When it comes to attractive men and women, they’re usually the ones exuding confidence. No matter what you look like, confidence is the key. It’s sexy, there’s no denying it. This has nothing to do with looks, rather purely on how you carry yourself in front of others. Stand up tall, shoulders back, and own yourself.

#7 Manners. I remember watching my date burp in my face over dinner. Needless to say, that was the last time I saw him. Manners are extremely important because it shows her what kind of person you are and how you were raised. These are things women pay attention to when on the dating scene.

#8 Active listening. Men are often teased about their poor listening skills. But, if you’re wondering what makes a man attractive, this is one trait that women are looking for in a partner. They want a man who’ll actively listen and provide input when needed. An attractive man is someone she can talk to and doesn’t feel like she’s communicating with a wall.

#9 Feeling of security. Women want to feel safe. I’m pretty sure everyone wants to feel safe around their partner. This is something to prove to a potential partner. Does this mean you look like the hulk? No. This isn’t about muscle mass. It’s about giving her the feeling that you can protect her. That’s attractive.

#10 Responsibility. So many people are scared to admit when they made a mistake. They are unable to apologize if they did something wrong. But apologizing and taking responsibility for your actions doesn’t mean you’re weak. A man who can take responsibility for himself is highly attractive for a woman. It shows maturity and personal growth.

#11 Connected to his feminine side. Many men are terrified of connecting with their feminine side, but this is what women are looking for in a man. They want a partner who’s well-rounded, empathetic, and kind. Sure, we like the idea of being with “a man,” but you can’t be alpha all the time. It’s exhausting. 

#12 Independence. No woman wants a mama’s boy. Yet, so many men are unable to cook and clean for themselves. A man who lives independently is an important trait women look for in a man. And it’s pretty hot to come home to dinner. A woman is looking for a partner, not a fully grown child.

#13 Knows how to have fun. Women want a guy who’s not always so serious. He knows when to separate work from play, and when he does relax, he enjoys his time and knows how to have fun. Being serious can be sexy, but only up to a point. Women want to enjoy their life with someone who knows how to.

#14 He has brains. Who doesn’t want an intelligent partner? When it comes to brains, intelligent men are sexy. A woman wants to know she’ll have a partner by her side, not someone she carries through life. A man who’s well-read and educated is really sexy.

#15 Appreciates women. No, I’m not talking about a Casanova type of guy. But an attractive man is someone who appreciates and respects women. Have you ever seen a man with mommy issues? It’s not attractive, and if anything, women stay far away from those guys.

You don’t need to look like Ryan Reynolds or Brad Pitt to be considered attractive. Most of what makes a man attractive to women has to do with your characteristics and your game.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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Signs A Girl Wants You To Make A Move

When I was in high school, I went to the movies with a girl who clearly liked me, but I was clueless and hesitant. After giving me all sorts of hints in the dark theater, I still wouldn’t make a move.

Afterwards she was frustrated and told me that we should just be friends. I look back on that story and cringe, but, like many guys, I didn’t know the signs a girl wants you to make a move. You can learn from my mistake!

Even though we live in the age of independent women, guys are still expected to make the first move. So, typically she’s going to drop the hints and you’re going to have to make the first move.

However, you don’t have to be clueless like me. While there aren’t crystal clear guidelines, there will be strong signs a girl wants you to make a move. If you get the vibe, then by all means, make your move.

Body Language Signs

Women can be difficult to understand partly because they can play hard to get or want you to prove that you’re interested. So, she might be giving you mixed signals with her words. This is where body language can be helpful.

Body language is done mostly subconsciously so she might be testing you with her words, while her body tells the tale of attraction.

Open and Engaging

The first step of seeing if she likes you is to look at her behavior when she’s around you. If she’s open, as in open arms, uncrossed legs, and relaxed, then she’s clearly comfortable with you.

Look for a high level of open and engaging body language, like leaning in, making eye contact, and not slouching when you’re talking to her.

Pointing

When a girl likes you, she will orient her body towards you, a phenomenon called “pointing.” Typically girls will point with their navels, their legs, and their feet in this situation. Both men and women will point towards people they find attractive.

Pay attention to pointing when you’re in a large group. If she is pointing her hips and/or legs in your direction, even while engaging everyone else, then her subconscious body language is gravitating towards you.

Touching and Proximity

couple holding hands in a fieldIf she gets close to you a lot and touches you, that’s a major sign the girl wants you to make a move. Keep in mind the touching will be more subtle.

Does she touch your arm? Does she massage your shoulders for a few seconds? If you’re showing her something on your phone, does she lean in closely, getting almost inappropriately close?

These are all subtle, but clear indicators that she is interested in you in some capacity. If she comes out and kisses you then you don’t even need to make a move! She did it for you.

Remember something about body language, though. It often indicates comfort and liking which isn’t always romantic. You’ll have to make sure other signs line up before assuming she’s into you sexually.

Gives You Permission

When I was talking to the girl I took to the movies, she told me how a friend of hers wanted her to model for him. He joked that he wouldn’t mind her doing some clothes-free photos. She laughed it off, but told me she’d happily let me take those photos of her.

Yes, I was a total idiot. Even with that gigantic sign that she liked me, I still held back from making a move, second guessing myself!

You’re probably laughing at my cluelessness. But, you know that in the moment, it’s easy to doubt, overthink, and second guess yourself. Knowing the signs a girl wants you to make a move isn’t always easy in the moment.

If she drops hints that she could see herself doing something romantic and sexual with you, that’s a huge sign she wants you to actually do it. Yes, she’s basically giving you permission to make a move on her.

Flirting

Flirting is the silent language of sexual attraction. On a basic level, flirting is joking around and having fun with someone you find attractive. Women will typically smile a lot, giggle, touch their hair, and touch you when they’re flirting.

If your conversations are fun and flirty with sexual tension, then it’s a good indicator she is attracted to you. Keep in mind, however, that some women flirt with almost anyone just for attention. So, if she does it with everyone, you might not be special.

Time And Attention

Whenever my clients ask me if a girl likes them, I always ask the level of attention she gives them. If it’s a lot, the signs are good she likes them. If they get her scraps and leftovers, then not so much. We pay attention to what we like. It’s that simple.

Of course, giving you attention could simply be a sign of friendship. However, if you’re getting her best time and attention, then it probably means she likes you more. This not only includes attention in real life, but also social media.

For example, when you text her does she text right back? When you ask her out does she say “yes” instantly? Is she always laughing at your jokes and taking interest in your activities and hobbies? If you’re getting that level of attention, she almost certainly likes you as more than a friend…and wants you to make some kind of move.

Compare Yourself To Her Guy Friends

If you’re looking for signs she wants you to make a move, compare yourself to her guy friends. Look at how she interacts with them vs. how she treats you.

If she treats you and them the same, then there’s little chance she finds you romantically attractive. But, if she treats you differently, interacting with you in a more sexual, flirtatious manner, then you can be pretty sure she is after you…and wants you to take it to the next level.

One good sign is also that her guy friends seem jealous about you. They are clearly picking up on her feelings towards you at that point. It’s further confirmation.

Making the Move: What to do?

couple kissing in snowIf you see the signs she wants you to make a move, read the situation carefully. If you barely know her, your “move” might just be to put your arm around her or grab her hand. From that point, you can escalate to more, like kissing or making out.

Just remember, that some women will want to move more slowly. So, if she lets you hold your hand, but rejects your kiss, don’t get upset. Go back to holding her hand and get to know her better. Maybe later in the evening or at another time, she’ll let you kiss her or do even more.

The key is to build comfort with her never try to push yourself on her. If you’re attractive, she trusts you, and she gives you the signs, then you can make your move comfortably and securely knowing that you both clearly want it. Above all, if she says “no” then you have to respect that.

So, don’t be a fool like I was in university. If you’re getting the signs she likes you, then make that move! You’ll both be happier for it. And, if she rejects you, then get better at reading the signs. There are other fish in the sea who will like you.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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9 Harsh Truths We Tend to Ignore at the Beginning of a Relationship, and Then Bitterly Regret It

They say that “love is blind” and they are probably right. We tend to ignore many things about our loved ones, even though these things scream that you need to get out of the relationship. As a consequence, we’re left trying to put a broken heart back together or we just get up one day realizing that we’ve wasted years in a pointless relationship.

This wouldn’t happen if we could tell from the very beginning where it might lead. And sometimes we can: here at Bright Side we came up with most common phrases your date could say to you that are actually signals that you should leave and never come back.

1. “I’m not over my previous relationship yet.”

It’s an honest truth, and you have to accept it and say goodbye — it’ll be better for the both of you. You probably don’t want to be an instrument for your date to forget their ex and constantly compete with them. And you will probably not be happy if they get back together.

Beyond that, it is not recommended for people to start a new relationship right after their previous one or until it’s all over, so it’s better to leave and give your partner some time to figure out their feelings.

2. They complain about all their exes.

Of course, people do get into toxic relationships sometimes, but if it happens all the time, maybe the problem actually has something to do with your date. You’ll probably end up being another “crazy ex” on their list and they will probably constantly stress you out. Do you need that in your life?

3. “I don’t think marriage makes sense.”

When someone says this, they definitely mean it and are implying that they are not going to get married, even to you. And since you’re grownups, this opinion is too hard to change, if even possible at all. If you think the same about marriage, than that’s okay. But it’s crucial to have similar opinions on this topic, so if you actually want to get married, then don’t waste your time.

4. “When I’m angry, I scream and break things. I can’t help it.”

This is a red flag phrase that should never be ignored. It means that your partner is emotionally unstable, and that plates aren’t the limit. You will get your dose of emotional and physical abuse too, even if you don’t think this will happen. Do yourself a favor and disappear the moment you hear (or notice) anything like that.

5. They admit that they could never make a relationship last.

You shouldn’t ignore this phrase, thinking it won’t happen with you. Don’t overestimate the chance you think you have to change your partner. If they say it, they mean it — and in addition, they can even say that they warned you. So if you’re looking for something that can become serious, you’re with the wrong person.

6. They don’t see anything wrong with being late.

When someone is late, they usually apologize for it, no matter how late they are. If your partner doesn’t see anything wrong with it, this is a bad sign. It means that they lack respect for your time, and there is a great probability that they will be selfish and have a tendency to devalue everything about other people. Take note, and find someone who will value you and your time.

7. They admit that relationships aren’t their main focus all the time.

Of course, for some people a career might be their biggest priority, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, if your date says something like this on the spot without any context, it implies that your date wants to keep things easy. It’s a phrase to let you know that your partner isn’t going to put much effort into your relationship, so just take it as it is and decide if that’s what you want and need.

8. “A man/woman should…”

If your partner talks about their expectations, that means that they expect you to follow them in order to keep up the relationship. If you don’t share these standards, but decide to get into this relationship anyways, it will lead to a lot of stress and tension, so you’re probably better off ending it before it even starts.

9. “You don’t need someone like me.”

No, this not a challenge to prove that your date is wrong. People who are not confident always play the victim, and if you get into this game your whole relationship will turn into you constantly convincing your partner they are great and that they are worth you having to deal with infinite jealousy. In case it’s more like a confident, “Don’t fall in love with me,” you’re most likely dealing with a player. And we are not sure which one of these types is worse.

Sometimes it can also be a polite way to say that it’s your partner who doesn’t need anyone like you. Whatever the case may be, it’s just better to leave in order to not torture either of you.

Which phrases would you add to the list? Do you have your own personal red flag phrases? Let us know in the comments.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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The Space Between Us – Part 2

1970 – Philadelphia, PA

My father was talking to me in the living room as we watched what was happening with the Apollo 13 mission. They were going to land on the moon too. But on the way there they had some technical failures. They were losing oxygen. I asked my dad what was happening, thinking the astronauts and NASA were indestructible and infallible.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apollo_13

“If they don’t get this fixed son, they won’t make it back.”

Hearing those words drove home the reality of life and how fragile we all are.

What a terrifying moment for Jim Lovell and his crew. Happily, we’ve all seen Ron Howard’s film with Tom Hanks and it has a very happy ending.

 

January 1986 – Wildwood, NJ

I was working at Circle Liquor in Somer’s Point NJ. It’s one of the most profitable liquor stores on the east coast. It’s so big, you can drive your boat up to the place. I was pushing a shopping cart full of Canadian whiskey in the warehouse. I was about to go out into the store and stock the shelves. Another one of the guys came through the doors with his cart.

“Hey man, the space shuttle blew up.”

“What?”

By the mid ’80s, the shuttle missions had become so commonplace no one really paid any attention to them anymore. America was accustomed to going into space. They thought it was getting boring so they let a school teacher go along for the ride.

“Yea, the Challenger blew up.”

“The one with the school teacher, Christa McAuliffe?”

“No survivors.”

I thought about it the rest of the day. I got home that night before my father. But when he did arrive, he went straight upstairs. I walked down the hall to his room and went to see him. I stood at the doorway and he was taking off his suit jacket. He saw me there and stopped. We just looked into each other’s eyes for a moment before we both started crying.

“Tough day.”

“Yea.”

“It’s terrible.”

“Why do they keep showing it over and over on TV?”

“Because they want viewers, son.”

We hugged, and didn’t speak of it again after that. A terrible tragedy that didn’t need to happen. It was a heartbreaking day for the space program and most of all this country.

“The last man to be here was never heard from again.
He won’t be back this way till 2010.
Now I’m riding on a fountain of fire.
With my back to the earth, I go higher and higher.
Why me? Why me?”  – Planet P

 

1990

I was working at the Union Trust Bank as a Branch Manager. I had finally become a banker like my father. He was very proud of me. I cut my hair, put on a suit, and joined the ranks of humanity.

One morning my dad gave me an article he had enjoyed in the New York Times magazine. (Which was included in every Sunday edition back then.)

It was an article about a group of scientists that were working on a project at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory in Pasadena. It was called SETI.

The search for extraterrestrial intelligence.

We were both really into the idea of life on other planets and had discussed the prospects at length. We weren’t a religious family, and the notion that Earth was a solitary entity to support life in the universe was poppycock to us.

With billions of stars out there, life would have to exist somewhere else. It’s just good science. I loved the article so much, he let me keep the magazine.

Are we alone? The search for life in the universe | SETI Institute

By the time I read that article I was already well ensconced in every book I could find about alien life in the universe. The Roswell incident, Crash at Corona, Out There, and Communion. Any book I could find, I would read. I had even become a card-carrying member of MUFON. (The Mutual UFO Network) I just knew something was out there and was captivated by the scientists at the JPL making an effort to contact them.

I wrote to one of the scientists (Edward T. Olsen) on that project. I composed a heartfelt letter that described what I had experienced with my father growing up in regard to space. I remember closing my letter with this statement; “I would be happy to mop the floors at your facility just to be near something that you’re trying to accomplish.”

To my shock and awe, he actually got back to me. I was blown away. He had said he was so impressed by my letter, that he read it to the team at his weekly meeting. He wrote to me an extensive four-page letter that was wonderful. I was so excited I couldn’t wait to read it to my dad.

I remember sitting in his kitchen. Just the two of us as I read the whole letter aloud to him. He was ecstatic.

But the one thing  I remember from that night was this; When I finished reading the letter, he had one question for me.

“Do you have a copy of your letter? I want to hear what you said to him.”

I get a four-page letter from a dude from NASA, and my dad is more interested in what my words were to that man to get him to write back to me.

Huge father and son moment.

I’ll dig out the magazine and the letter and publish them on the blog at some point.

Here’s an interesting point. I wrote to that scientist one other time after that. I didn’t tell anyone, but I had some ideas about how an actual flying saucer could navigate it was through space. My father always told me that nobody would come here because they were too far away. But he was thinking about what he learned in books. He only learned about linear flight from point A to point B on a traditional, solid rocket booster.

But I thought that if you could generate enough of a gravitational force, you could literally pull point B to point A in a short amount of time. It was a bunch of theories from a 24-year-old young man about exotic propulsion systems for interstellar travel.

I didn’t hear back from the scientist. Years later, I was scheduled to attend a business junket to California when I worked at a finance company. I called the scientist and actually got him on the phone. I remember sitting in my hotel room and talking to him. He remembered me and my first letter. I told him I wanted to take him up on his offer of visiting the JPL and taking the tour he had offered me in his letter.

But, he said that wouldn’t be a good idea. I asked him what he thought of my second letter, and he said he never got it.

Hmmm…

 

1994

I was working for a finance company, and I read in the paper about a book signing that was happening at a store that wasn’t too far from my office. I really wanted to slip out and attend it.

The year before, Howard Stern‘s book, Private Parts had published. He was syndicated in the Philadelphia market on rock radio WMMR each morning, and wildly popular.

When his book came out, I remember seeing people lined up around the block to buy it. Howard was, and probably still is, that popular! It was the fastest-selling book in the publisher’s history and sold a whopping 1.1 million copies by 1995. Pretty impressive numbers for a guy that talks about farts and sex all morning on the radio.

So, I didn’t know what to expect when I was going to this particular book signing. Were all book signings a manic line of fans lined up around the block to meet their hero? I only have a limited window to do this and get back to the office.

I get to the Barnes and Noble, or Borders bookstore in the next county. I see a sign on the window for what’s happening that day, and head in. I spoke to one of the employees and told her why I was there.

“Where do I get in line?”

“Line?”

“Yea, for the signing.”

“Just go right back there. He’s sitting right back there at that table.”

I walk back to where she told me to go. It felt like slow motion. Through the long aisle of books. I felt small. It was like being a kid again walking through the bookstore with my dad in Bradd Alan’s in Cheltenham, 25 years ago.

I come upon the man at the table. He’s an older gentleman with a kind face, and a sharpie in his hand. Stacks of his book Lost Moon are piled in front of him and in a box on the floor. There’s no line of people to meet this national hero. No line going out the door and around the block.

“It’s an honor to meet you, sir. I’m Charles.”

“Hello Charles, I’m Jim.”

The commander of Apollo 13 is sitting right in front of me in a bookstore on a rainy day in the suburbs of Pennsylvania.

He signs the book, “To Horace,    Jim Lovell.”

My father said it was his favorite Christmas present that year.

What it really comes down to is this. My father wanted to be present in all of his kid’s lives because it mattered. It made a difference. He wanted to be there for us all because of his own father’s absence. He didn’t want to follow in the mistakes of the past. He and my mother helped my sisters and I evolve into the people we are today.

And for that I am eternally grateful.

Thanks for interstellar trip, dad! We stayed on Earth but we went around the sun 54 times together!

Here’s a cool commemorative stamp my dad got me that went to space!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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The Space Between Us – Part 1

Philadelphia, late 1960’s.

Ever since I was a little boy, I loved the space program and all things having to do with the universe. I always liked science and nature.

On Sundays my dad would take my sister Janice and I to a book store where he picked up his copy of the New York Times. We lived in a neighborhood called Lawndale and the store was over in Cheltenham. It was a 15 or 20 minute ride from the house.

I remember one time we went there and there were a half dozen flatbed trailers in the parking lot. On each trailer were these giant dinosaur models. But, get this… you could put coins in  a machine on the thing and it would make you a miniature model of the dinosaur you were standing at the foot of. It was incredible. Of course my dad got us one of each.

(They were made out of wax and plastic. It was almost surreal to me at the time. If I can find any info on this, I’ll write about it in a future post.)

Creepy Classics

1960s Tyrannosaurus Rex Wax Mold-A-Rama Injection Mold Dinosaur Small Variation | Tyrannosaurus rex, Tyrannosaurus, Dinosaur

1960s Tyrannosaurus Rex Wax Mold-A-Rama Injection Mold Dinosaur Small Variation

I will have to say this here being a student of science. Notice how back then people thought T-Rex walked upright like a guy in a Godzilla suit dragging his tail behind him? When it’s painfully obvious if you look at the bone structure of the T-Rex he’s built more like a bird. The genuine article leaned forward and his tail stuck out for balance.

More like this rendering:

Growing Up Tyrannosaurus Rex: Researchers Learn More About Teen-Age T.Rex

Since this story is about science I felt it needed to be said!

My dad read the NY Times every Sunday for as long as I can remember. We had the Evening Bulletin delivered to our house every day by the local paperboy, but he would buy the Times for himself every weekend. It was a behemoth of a publication. Easily 100 pages. This is when print was king and the Times was probably the greatest paper in the country. (Maybe the world!)

I once asked my father why he read that paper and he told me that he felt that the Times told the unbiased truth when it came to the news. It was a high brow intelligently written paper that brought you news from around the world. He felt that it gave him everything he needed to know each week.

He’d be chatting with the staff and browsing for books, and Janice and I would wander around the store looking at all kinds of different books. I loved walking up and down the aisles looking at all sorts of different books!

My dad would sometimes say no to getting us a toy. But he never said no to getting us a book.

I loved looking at all of books and comics. Normally, my sister and I would come home with something on those trips.

We always had lots of books growing up. My father was an avid reader and always had a book going. He was a self educated man. He read about everything. He would pick a subject and read all he could about it. I always thought that my dad was a really smart guy, but he would always dismiss it by saying that he was just older. But I knew he got smart from reading so many books. He wanted to better understand the world and its historical events to better navigate his own life. He used to say that the three greatest things in his life were my mom, us kids, and his books.

He passed in 2016, but I wonder what his reaction would have been to discover his son had become a published author?

He used to say that books and knowledge gave him the tools he needed to better navigate the world and the people and events in it. That habit trickled down into us kids, and we all learned so much from him. Don’t get me wrong, my mom liked to read too, but she was more into Agatha Christie and works of fiction. My dad liked non-fiction. Mostly history, biographies, and science. He did love science fiction and read all the great works by Clark, Asimov, and Heinlein. He enjoyed authors who took a more scientific approach to their writing rather than the fantasy stuff of say… Ray Bradbury. He always liked stories about stuff that could maybe happen in the future. That’s why he always liked Batman better than Superman. Superman was an alien from another planet with incredible powers. Batman was just a regular guy. Batman was cool, because Batman could be a real guy! You could never be Superman, but if you had the money and skills, you could maybe be Batman!

I remember he got me a huge poster and I hung it on the wall of my bedroom. It was of our solar system and I would always look at it think about our galaxy. Here’s a guy who took me to see 2001: A Space Odyssey. We loved space and all things science fiction. I used to stand on my bed at night and just stare at that poster. I always thought it would be amazing to travel to the stars. But I was afraid of heights, so that was off the table.

We had stacks of books about science and nature. I remember my sister and I would get these little paperback digest sized books about animals. I especially loved those books. Each one had a different subject. Fish, Reptiles, Amphibians, Insects, and Spiders and their kin. I asked dad what the word kin meant, and he told me that they were all in the same family. Just like us. Reading all of these kinds of books as a kid were not only fun and informative, but they made you smarter, and you didn’t even realize it was happening. I don’t remember many of my friends in the neighborhood having many books like that growing up.

I loved space, aliens, space travel and science fiction movies growing up. My father was a huge fan of the Apollo program as it began to take shape in the 60’s. We followed it together and would watch the launches on our black and white TV.  I remember I was in first grade for Apollo 8.

But, bigger and better things were coming.

A promise President Kennedy made to the American people just eight years before. His words ring true today now more than ever.

I’ll never forget the night of July 16th, 1969. I was in bed, and my father came and woke me up and brought me downstairs. I remember sitting on the floor in my pajamas next to his chair, and watching as the Apollo lunar module touched down on surface of the moon. The moment I saw Neil Armstrong step carefully down the ladder as the first man on the moon.

A glorious moment in human history.

I always felt bad for Alan Shephard who stayed behind in the ship orbiting the moon, while Neil Armstrong and Buzz Aldrin walked on the moon. But they needed Alan pick them up and take them back to Earth.

But in that moment as the astronauts looked back upon that blue marble surrounded by blackness, they maybe thought…All life as we have ever known it is right there. All of the people, animals, fish, birds, insects, plants… everything was on that blue marble.

Except for them. They were out there.

As usual, I was struggling in school. It’s not that I wasn’t bright, I just didn’t like school and it’s inhabitants. My dad tried to challenge my mind at home, so he bought a bunch of books. Space, History, Science, Biology, Anatomy, and Animals.  They were this amazing series of books on nearly every subject. But it was all written in terms a kid could understand.

Here’s an example.

The How and Why Wonder Books!

How and Why Wonder Books

How and Why Wonder Books

He would assign me chapters to read at night when my regular homework was finished. I also read them in my free time and on the weekends.

Initially it felt like a punishment. To me it was a punishment. More schoolwork?

But what I later realized is, that learning was fun. The world is a fascinating place if you have the right materials and most of all, the right teacher. I would read the assigned chapters, and then my dad would give me a list of questions I had to answer on a yellow legal pad. (Yes, I was tested to see if I retained the information.) I didn’t like this forced learning, but after a while I began to feel a certain pride in learning all of these things. If for nothing else than to become a smarter person.  A boy who knew more about the world around him.

He figured if I wasn’t going to pay attention in school, then by god, he was going to fill my head with as much good information as he could jam in there. He knew I had the head for it. But I didn’t realize it at the time. But after a while it got easier, and the books became more interesting to me. I was under 10 years old, and I knew all of the stages of gestation, even though I hadn’t a clue what sex was yet.

Reading those books and being tested was simply the beginning of all of the things my father taught me. Those books and all of the other books he gave me on a regular basis made me an avid reader where I later excelled in school. I’m happy to report that I’ve never said no to my daughter in regard to a book, and she’s a brilliant reader. So my sisters and I have tried to replicate all of the good things our parents taught us, and discarded the bad. Why hold onto it? They were mistakes. Focus on the triumphs, and go forward.

Sometimes on a Saturday, my mom would take the girls into town. When you lived in the suburbs back then, you referred to center city as ‘going into town’. They would be gone half the day shopping at the big department stores. Gimbels, Lit Bros, and Strawbridges.

Saturday morning meant one thing to me as a kid.

Saturday Morning Cartoons.

When I was a little guy, (Like four or five) I was so into Saturday morning cartoons, that I knew what show was coming on at what time, and what to watch next on what channel.

I couldn’t even tell time yet. However, back then there were only a few channels. VHF: 3, 6, 10 & 12. UHF: 17, 29, & 48. That was it.

One of the cool things about a Saturday with dad instead of mom was lunch. I remember he would be sitting at his place at the dinner table in the kitchen. The sun through the windows would illuminate his paper.  If I was hungry, he would make me a dish called, ‘Junk’.

Junk consisted of Planter’s cocktail peanuts, (When they were perfectly salty and greasy) a handful of crispy pretzels, and three or four slices of American cheese (New Yorker) tossed in a little green cereal bowl. That was placed on a folding snack table in front of my TV chair, and I was good to go. Wash it down with some Hawaiian Punch and you’re all set.

You’d think that wasn’t enough for a growing boy, but I was a fussy eater, and I loved that combination. I didn’t realize that I was basically eating bar snacks for lunch. It was awesome, and I loved it. We all did!

I was finished lunch one Saturday and dad and I are discussing some of the things I was learning from the books he gave me to read. I was struggling with some of the laws of gravity, inertia, and centrifugal force.

My dad came up with the idea that he should do what he always did; lead by example. Anything worth doing was worth overdoing. So he came up with a plan.

He went into the basement, and when he returned he produced a bucket of water.

Now, I’m a little kid. There’ve been times I’ve done things, or brought things into the house that I shouldn’t have. Boys always pull stuff like that. But here we were in the living room and he’s got a big bucket of water. Every cell in my mind tells me that mom doesn’t want anything like that in the living room. Kids spill stuff all the time. A glass of juice is one thing, but a bucket of water would be a solid call for corporal punishment.

But dad’s explaining to me the laws of gravity, rotation and centrifugal force. If dad’s here we’re good. Mom’s not home so it doesn’t matter. He’s got all the power in regard to what you should, or shouldn’t do in my mom’s nice living room.

My dad proceeds to swing the big bucket of water back and forth. I’m watching with startled eyes as he begins to swing it higher and higher. Then, without warning he swings it all the way over his head like a pinwheel. I’m talking Pete Townsend windmill moves. Frankly I’m amazed that none of the water is coming out of the bucket as he swings it in a circular motion over his head. It doesn’t make sense…

Until it does.

I see it. Now, I get it.

Centrifugal force, a fictitious force, peculiar to a particle moving on a circular path, that has the same magnitude and dimensions as the force that keeps the particle on its circular path (the centripetal force) but points in the opposite direction.

Rad, man!

Later, mom and the girls came home from shopping in town, and no one was the wiser.

 

More tomorrow!

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Kamala Harris Breaks Glass Ceiling as First Female Vice President, First Woman VP of Color

The vice presidential glass ceiling has been broken.

California Sen. Kamala Harris will make history as the first woman elected vice president, now that Joe Biden won enough states to capture the White House.

Biden beat Donald Trump four years after Hillary Clinton came up short in her bid to be the first female president.

Harris, 56, was the first African American woman and the first Asian American person on a major party’s presidential ticket.

Joe Biden and running mate Sen. Kamala Harris, D-Calif., raise their arms up as fireworks go off on the fourth day of the Democratic National Convention, Thursday, Aug. 20, 2020, at the Chase Center in Wilmington, Del. Looking on are Jill Biden and Harris' husband Doug Emhoff.

Her husband, entertainment lawyer Doug Emhoff, will be the first “Second Gentleman.”

Harris has said she expects to work closely with Biden, offering him a perspective shaped by a different background.

“It is about a partnership that also is informed by one of the reasons I think Joe asked me to join him, which is that he and I have – we have the same ideals and values but we have very different life experiences,” Harris said during her final fundraiser for the campaign.

President Barack Obama has called her an “ideal partner” for Biden who is more than prepared for the job as “someone who knows what it’s like to overcome barriers.”

Only the second Black woman to be elected to the Senate, Harris was the first Black woman to be elected district attorney in San Francisco and attorney general of California.

Biden had faced tremendous pressure to choose a woman of color as his running mate because of the large role African Americans – and particularly Black women – have played in the Democratic Party and because of the racial issues thrust into the foreground by the coronavirus pandemic and the deaths of Black Americans at the hands of police.

“There is no vaccine for racism,” Harris said during her vice presidential acceptance speech. “We’ve got to do the work for George Floyd, for Breonna Taylor and for the lives of too many others to name.”

Announcing his choice, Biden called the former prosecutor a “fearless fighter for the little guy, one of the country’s finest public servants.”

Only two ran before her

Harris was only the third female vice presidential nominee of a major party ticket.

Her debate with Vice President Mike Pence was the second-most watched vice presidential debate, after the 2008 matchup between Biden and former Alaska Gov. Sarah Palin, who was running mate to Republican nominee John McCain.

Harris’ response when Pence tried to cut in on her time, “Mr. Vice President, I’m speaking – I’m speaking,” sparked a meme. T-shirts, face masks and other products emblazoned with those words were quickly available for sale on the internet.

Biden’s age contributed to the public’s interest in Harris, as his 77 years increase the chance that he might not serve a full term or seek re-election.

Republicans sought to characterize Harris as member of the “radical left” who would control the more centrist Biden.

Voters had a divided opinion of Harris, with 46% “very” or “somewhat” favorable and 47% “very” or “somewhat” unfavorable, according to a VoteCast survey of 110,405 voters by The Associated Press. The difference was as polarized as the rest of the election. Those viewing her favorably almost entirely – 93% – supported Biden, while 87% of those viewing her unfavorably supported Trump, according to the survey.

Sen. Kamala Harris speaks on stage.

Breaking barriers of race and gender

Biden’s selection of Harris gave the campaign a big fundraising boost. Backers sent more than $34 million immediately after Biden announced his pick, and she headlined numerous fundraisers throughout the fall. Members of Alpha Kappa Alpha Sorority Inc., which Harris belongs to, began donating $19.08. The sorority, the oldest Greek-letter organization established by Black college-educated women, was founded in 1908 at Howard University, her alma mater.

Harris was often dispatched to energize voters of color, particularly Black Americans. The first candidate on a major party ticket to have attended a historically Black university, Harris campaigned at HBCUs, barbershops and other places of significance for communities of color. For many virtual campaign events, Harris broadcast out of a studio set up at Howard University.

“I say it’s about time a graduate from a state university and a HBCU graduate are in the White House,” Biden said of himself and Harris at a drive-in rally in Atlanta.

Who is Doug Emhoff?

Democratic vice presidential candidate Sen. Kamala Harris, D-Calif., and her husband Doug Emhoff take the stage during a drive-in get out the vote rally, Monday, Nov. 2, 2020, in Philadelphia.

Emhoff was also a regular presence on the campaign trail and formed a bond with Jill Biden, who preceded him as the spouse of a vice president.

Emhoff, who will be the first Jewish American in the vice presidential residence, was a regular Biden surrogate for campaign events targeted to Jewish supporters. He was also “sent all the time to probably the hardest spots,” Biden senior strategic adviser Greg Schultz said during an October campaign event.

Emhoff has been offered lots of advice on how to tackle his new role.

“Everyone’s got an opinion on this, which is nice to hear,” Emhoff said during the campaign. “Which means people are actually excited about the prospect of someone like me in this role – and I get that.”

He hopes to tap his legal background and focus on justice-related issues, particularly “access to justice.”

Emhoff still has the voicemail of a congratulatory call from Biden after Harris and Emhoff got engaged in March 2014.

It was Harris’ first marriage and Emhoff’s second. His son and daughter – named Cole and Ella after jazz legends Cole Porter and Ella Fitzgerald – came up with their own name for their stepmother: Mamala.

“To my brother and me, you’ll always be ‘Mamala,’ the world’s greatest stepmom,” Ella said in a video montage introducing Harris before her convention speech. “You’re a rock, not just for our dad, but for three generations of our big, blended family.”

During an appearance on Hillary Clinton’s podcast, Harris described how she had been teaching Emhoff how to cook after the pandemic confined them to their Washington, D.C., apartment.

Harris’ own passion for cooking was often a topic on the campaign trail. She has described it as “one of my joys” and recirculated a video of herself making masala dosa with actress and writer Mindy Kaling last year.

She told Clinton that one of Emhoff’s own culinary attempts went awry, setting off a fire alarm. Harris had to wave her briefing book back and forth to clear the air. The couple subsequently agreed that Emhoff should stick to three dishes he knows how to cook – “and we don’t need to experiment with anything else,” Harris said.

Kamala Harris, left, with her sister, Maya, and mother, Shyamala, in January 1970, in Berkeley, California.

Presidential ambitions

Harris had competed against Biden for the Democratic nomination but ended her bid before the first primary votes were cast.

She struggled to place herself in an ideological camp, particularly on how far she would go to enact Medicare for All. She also faced criticism from some on the left for her prosecutorial record.

One of her campaign’s biggest moments came during a debate when she challenged Biden over his remarks about working with segregationist senators. She described herself as part of the second class to integrate her school as a child after mandatory school busing, which forced Biden to apologize for his earlier comments.

Although Biden didn’t hold a grudge, Trump immediately called Harris a “phony” after her selection. He frequently made fun of her first name – which is Sanskrit for lotus – and hurled insults at her from his campaign rallies, included calling her a monster.

Women’s groups spent millions on ads to “push back on disinformation and racist, sexist attacks” on Harris and show her in a positive light.

“She has taken on some of the toughest fights…and she’s done it all with a sense of style,” said the narrator in an ad called “Chucks” that included footage of Harris wearing her signature shoe choice and a young girl dancing in Chuck Taylors. “Someday soon, anyone will be able to see themselves as president.”

Democratic vice presidential candidate Kamala Harris on the campaign trail in Milwaukee.

Daughter of immigrants

Harris was born in Oakland, California, to Shyamala Gopalan, a breast-cancer scientist who emigrated from India, and Donald Harris, a professor of economics who emigrated from Jamaica.

Her first job was cleaning laboratory pipettes for her mother.

“She fired me. I was awful,” Harris said.

Gopalan would also tell Harris and her sister, “Don’t sit around and complain about things, do something.”

Harris frequently mentions the “stroller’s-eye view” she had of the civil rights movement, as her parents marched for social justice – a central part of family discussions.

She wrote in her memoir that she was inspired to become a prosecutor in part because of the prosecutors who went after the Ku Klux Klan and because of Attorney General Robert Kennedy, who sent Justice Department officials to protect the Freedom Riders in 1961.

But she had to defend to friends and family her decision to try to change from the inside, rather than the outside, a justice system they saw as too often offering injustice.

Democratic U.S. Vice Presidential nominee Sen. Kamala Harris (D-CA) speaks during an early voting mobilization event at the Central Florida Fairgrounds on October 19, 2020 in Orlando.

Prior record

Harris likes to tout a program she championed as district attorney to direct young people arrested for drug crimes into training and counseling programs instead of jail.

As California’s attorney general, she pushed for a tough settlement from five major banks accused of foreclosure abuse. One fellow attorney general who joined the fight was Delaware’s Beau Biden, the former vice president’s oldest son. The two developed a friendship before Beau Biden’s 2015 death from brain cancer.

After Harris joined the Senate in 2017, she put her prosecutorial skills to work grilling witnesses such as Attorney General Jeff Sessions, Attorney General William Barr and Supreme Court Justice Brett Kavanaugh.

“I thought she was the meanest, the most horrible, the most disrespectful of anybody in the U.S. Senate,” Trump said of Harris’ questioning of Kavanaugh.

Breaking barriers means breaking things

When Harris found herself competing for the Democratic presidential nomination with three of her female colleagues, the rivals enjoyed lighter moments on the campaign trail laughing with each other and comparing notes on the still-rare experience of being a woman running for president.

“We have spent a lot of time together, sharing looks at each other across a room when statements are being made,” giving each other a “knowing look” like “Yeah, that just happened,” Harris said during a fundraiser that included Sen. Amy Klobuchar, D-Minn., and Sen. Kirsten Gillibrand, D-N.Y.

Klobuchar recounted how, during one debate, the women had banded together to demand the technicians raise the temperature in the freezing studio.

“I mean, like you couldn’t feel your feet,” Klobuchar said. “And on the break, we’re sitting there huddled together … and we said to the technician from NBC: `You know what? Women do worse when it’s so cold. This isn’t fair. You have got to turn this up, right now.’ And so they turned up the heat, as we did.”

Harris said that women who go first know the sacrifices they’ve made and hope to make it easier for women to come up after.

Breaking barriers, she said, involves breaking things.

“And when you break things, you might get cut. You might bleed. It will be painful,” she said more than once. “It will be worth it, every single time.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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10 Compliments You Can Give That Don’t Involve Appearance

Every day, people pass judgement.

Human beings are social creatures – it’s just simply something that we do. Some of these judgements are small and innocuous. When driving, for example, you’re constantly perceiving and judging what’s going on around you. When you’re at the store, you’re judging which fruit you should buy. When you meet someone new, you’re judging whether or not they’re someone you know.

But these small, innocuous judgements aren’t the only ones we make. At some time or another, we’ve made bigger judgements about people based on their appearance. These judgements can have a significant impact on the happiness and well-being of others.

The way a person looks on the outside is one of the easiest things to cast a judgement about, and the impacts of this on society are clear.

For example, approximately 91% of women say they are unhappy with their bodies and wish they looked the way that women are portrayed in the media. Only about 5% of women reportedly said they felt they had the body type that is portrayed in popular culture.

Of course, women aren’t the only ones impacted by these judgements. According to the Alliance for Eating Disorder Awareness, upwards of 3.6 million men are currently suffering from eating disorders.

Because we’re so easy to judge a person’s appearance, it’s sometimes easy to give compliments based on the bodies of others.

There are many compliments you can give someone that have nothing to do with the way their bodies look.

Here are 20 you can rely on to help build others up without commenting on their bodies.

1. I’m impressed by how resilient you are.

Have you ever known someone who was just so strong they could withstand a tornado of difficulty? Resilient people are awesome, and this is a great compliment to give someone who is especially resilient.

2. You’re such a good listener.

There are a lot of people in the world who don’t actually listen, instead waiting for their turn to speak. Finding a good listener can be like finding a needle in a haystack! If you know someone who you think is a good listener, tell them so!

3. I like how authentic you are.

Authentic people are on a whole different level! Authenticity means not hiding the person they are on the inside. To be authentic requires a great deal of confidence and security. If you know an authentic person, tell them how much you admire that about them.

4. I admire how hard you work.

If you’ve ever worked with someone who cuts corners and doesn’t work all that hard, it really makes people who do work hard stand out. If you’ve got a co-worker who works especially hard, forget their body – tell them how much you admire their work ethic!

5. You are dependable.

Sometimes it can seem like everyone depends on you but you can’t really depend on anyone but yourself. Still, once in a while, you meet someone who you can lean on whenever you need to and vice versa. Tell them you appreciate how dependable they are!

6. I’m lucky to know you.

This might be my favorite compliment on this list. There are a lot of people in this world. We are truly lucky to have the people we do in our lives. Tell them so! I feel so good giving out this compliment and receiving it too.

7. Your laugh is contagious.

Have you ever known someone whose laugh can just make a room erupt? They’re one of my favorite kinds of people. Telling them how contagious their laugh is will help them laugh more easily.

8. I am amazed by your progress.

Think back on those figures about body positivity I shared earlier. A lot of people are working hard to look like the person they want to. Sometimes they’re doing it for themselves, sometimes others. But regardless, if you know someone working hard to a goal, tell them how much you admire the progress they’ve made. It’ll help keep them going!

9. You’re a strong person.

Even the strongest people in the world feel weak from time to time. It helps to be reminded by others that you are, in fact, an incredibly strong person.

10. Everyone loves you.

The world can be filled with love or it can be filled with hate. It really is our choice. For me, I choose love over hate. And I like to remind the amazing people in my life that they are loved. It’s a kind thing to do.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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10 Things to Stop Telling People

Words are powerful. You can use them to brighten someone’s day or completely ruin it. We often discount the power that they hold. You can use them to present yourself well or terribly. You can lie with them, tell the truth with them, and change lives with them. This means that the things you say to others may have more of an impact than you think. As such, it’s necessary to take responsibility for what you say, and to always choose your words carefully! Are there things you often say that might be causing harm to others? But what if it’s time in your life to stop telling people certain things altogether?

Here Are 10 Things To Stop Telling People

1. “You’re too sensitive!”

From your perspective, someone in your life may be reacting disproportionately to something you or someone else has said or done. They may be crying about something you’d never dream of feeling hurt over. They might tell you that you’ve upset them, and you personally couldn’t imagine how that bothered them at all.

When this happens, you might be tempted to berate them for being so sensitive. Similar sentiments include:

  • “You’re overreacting.”
  • “Learn to take a joke!”
  • “Come on, it’s not that deep.”
  • “You just don’t have a sense of humor.”
  • “Calm down.”
  • “I didn’t mean it that way, relax.”

But here’s the thing about hurting someone else. It’s basic manners to apologize when someone says you hurt them. You don’t lecture them on how to avoid being hurt by you in the future – you listen, say you’re sorry and discuss the problem if you need to.

2. “Why can’t you be more like (insert person here)?”

Comparisons are ugly, they don’t help anyone, and, for the most part, they’re unnecessarily hurtful. In moments of frustration, you may wonder why someone in your life can’t be like someone else – but that is a toxic, pointless thought. You may want to say:

  • “Why can’t you listen to me like my mom does?”
  • “I wish you were less of a troublemaker, like your brother.”
  • “You should be more like (insert name).”
  • “Well, how many marks did your classmates get?”
  • “(Insert name) seems fine with it, so you should be, too.”

Why don’t comparisons work? It’s simple: no two people are alike. Everyone is unique, and therefore it is completely pointless to compare those around you. Of course, they will be different, have different progress rates, and have their own issues in life; they’re different people!

On top of that, if you’re using comparisons on a young child, you could be damaging their self-esteem and self-worth. They may continue this pattern of decreased positive thinking and comparison well into adulthood as a result. (1)

3. “No offense, but …”

The next time you’re about to preface a statement with “no offense, but …”, take a few seconds to think about why you feel the need to do so. Often you’ll find that the reason you need to prepare those around you for a potential offense is because what you’re going to say is fairly offensive!

“No offense, but …” is one of those phrases that is about as effective as “not to be racist, but …” because all you’re doing is warning people in advance that what you’re about to say is definitely not pleasant. You have to figure out which things are worth saying and which are much better left unsaid.

Need to say something that may hurt? Prepare by phrasing it productively, and then just say it! You’ll find that your reception is often a lot more positive when you sound like you’re being upfront and honest, as opposed to trying to avoid getting into trouble.

4. “Get over it.”

Maybe you’re sick of hearing about how upset someone is, or how sad something that happened has made them. In your annoyance, you tell them to just get over it. This is completely unproductive and not a healthy coping mechanism at all. Definitely a statement you should stop telling people.

The problem is that even if the other person listens to you and decides to forcefully “get over it,” they’re not actually doing so. What they’re doing instead is repressing the problem and pushing it to the back of their minds, where it will sit and fester. Eventually, this will cause even more problems for them, leading to resentment.

It is healthy to deal with problems. We have to confront them, live with them, and work them out in our own time – even if we have some help from other people – in order to truly overcome them. That’s how to deal with them in a positive way. Some issues and painful emotions take longer to overcome than others – and it is not your place to hurry them along or force. (2)

5. “You’ll change your mind one day.”

Many people, especially those on the younger side, hear all the time that the decisions they’ve made aren’t valid. These decisions may be about:

  • Dating
  • Getting married
  • Having children
  • Studying
  • Jobs

The so-called “superior” wisdom that comes with age may have imparted you with better judgment and knowledge, but it hasn’t allowed you to tell the future. If a young adult says they don’t want kids, it’s very silly to try and convince them that they will one day – especially since that doesn’t impact you at all!

Do you really, really want to make sure that someone knows you suspect they’ll change their mind? Just say, “Let me know if you ever change your mind!” for a more positive ending to that conversation.

6. “You’re too attractive to (insert action here).”

We live in a world filled with stereotypes about how people’s looks relate to what they do in life. In addition, the world we live in is filled with ideas of what is and isn’t conventionally attractive. It’s difficult not to fall prey to those ideas every once in a while, especially if you were raised believing them.

Sometimes, you might find yourself saying that someone is too attractive to be doing a rugged activity. Or you may say that you didn’t think they were smart or tough because of how attractive they look. All this does is make you look like a bad person, and it isn’t going to be taken as a compliment, no matter how hard you try to sell it.

People’s looks and what they do are not mutually exclusive, and to believe otherwise is to be prejudiced. It’s a very narrow-minded way of looking at the incredibly diverse world that we live in. This is one of those things you should stop telling people.

7. “Happiness is a choice.”

We see people use this phrase all the time, whether to cheer someone up or try to knock someone out of bad states. Unfortunately, not only is this incredibly condescending to those in bad circumstances or with mental disorders, but it’s also just scientifically inaccurate. Happiness in people is decided through the following three things:

· Circumstances

Someone’s place in life largely affects the way that they feel – this can range from very little to around 15%.

· Set Happiness Points

A good portion – a little less than half of it – relies on your genetics and your natural temperament, and this cannot be changed.

· Intentional Behavior

Personal activity accounts for approximately 40% of your happiness. This means that you can only really control less than half of your mood.

Basically, trying to will someone into positive thinking by telling them to choose happiness just doesn’t work. The previous three points don’t even account for mood disorders that can only be managed, not cured. By making someone believe that it’s their fault that they aren’t happy, you’re doing way more damage than you’re alleviating. (3)

8. “What’s in it for me?”

No one likes a person who is always asking for something in return. You paint yourself as lazy at work, not to be trusted among friends and family, and calculative in romantic relationships. It’s not a good look for anyone.

Does this mean you should be a “yes man”? No, of course not! Set your boundaries where necessary. At the same time, though, don’t insist on always being repaid for good deeds. Acts of kindness are no longer born out of kindness if you’re expecting to be paid in some way for it.

9. “This is all your fault!”

Deflecting blame in self-defense is a very easy thing to do. It’s much harder to admit when you’re in the wrong – or to simply admit that you had a part to play. So you might say things like:

  • “I didn’t know!”
  • “You should have told me.”
  • “How was I supposed to know?”
  • “Look what you made me do!”
  • “This is your fault.”
  • “If you’d (insert action here), maybe this wouldn’t have happened.”
  • “Next time, you should (insert action here).”

But passing blame around like a hot potato isn’t going to help you solve any of the problems at hand. Sometimes it’s your fault and sometimes it’s not. Sometimes everyone is to blame. And at the end of the day, who cares?

When a mistake happens, no matter who is chiefly to blame, now you have to work on finding solutions. That’s just how life works. Getting caught in a game of pointing fingers will likely not help your case. If this is a phrase you use, it’s something you need to stop telling people.

10. “I hate you.”

“Hate” is a very strong word when it is used seriously and not as part of a joke. No matter how you say that you hate someone, you sound childish – and the other person gets the satisfaction of being able to walk away as the bigger person.

But the real reason this is on our list is that this three-word phrase is very commonly used in moments of heightened emotion. You might shout it at your parents, or your significant other, or a friend, or a family member. In your intense anger, you may scream this out, even though you don’t really mean it.

Unfortunately, that one moment can significantly damage your relationship with the other person. Even if you apologize, you can’t take back what you’ve said, and they will remember it. That’s why it’s important that you choose your words wisely.

Final Thoughts On Some Things To Stop Telling People

Do you say any of these 10 things that you should stop telling people? It’s not too late to change! Start avoiding these phrases and start adopting more positive, productive, compassionate ones instead. You’ll find that the people around you respond to you in a better way.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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What Do Girls Look for in a Guy? The Worthy Traits of a Real Catch

Of course, every girl wants something a little bit different but, if you’re asking yourself, what do girls look for in a guy, here are the essentials…

Hey there, gentlemen, I am super glad you came here to find out what do girls look for in a guy. In my experience, guys seem to think girls look for things like competitiveness, cockiness, and aggression. In reality, that is not the case.

By being open to learning more about what women want, you are already on the right path.

Before answering what do girls look for in a guy, consider this.

I know you came here for guidance and insight. And don’t worry, I’m getting there. But, before we get into what do girls look for in a guy, I want to offer a bit of a disclaimer.

All girls are different. All girls look for different things. Some girls look for a guy with a successful career. Others may want someone with more free time. Some girls look for a scruffy beard and someone with calluses on their hands, but others want someone more clean cut.

You cannot lump all girls together and think that if you exude what girls look for in a guy, that all girls will be attracted to you. But, by focusing on the parts of yourself that girls look for, you can get noticed by the girls that appreciate you.

You cannot take this list and change who you are to fit what girls look for. If some girls are looking for a guy who shares her religious beliefs, you can’t just start believing in God to get her to notice you.

Rather focus on the traits you already have that girls are looking for. For example, many girls look for a guy close with his family. Be sure to talk about those relationships and maybe even introduce a new girl to your family earlier than usual.

You can improve upon yourself and explore new interests. But changing who you are will not get a girl’s attention. It will probably turn her off that you are not being genuine.

For instance, a girl may look for a guy who cares about his physical fitness, so taking time to balance your diet or workout could be beneficial within dating as well as the rest of your life. But, if working out is not something you are interested in, don’t do it solely to attract a girl. Instead, join a book club if you’re an avid reader.

Being true to yourself is one of the main things girls look for in a guy.

What do girls look for in a guy?

Now that you get how to use this list of things girls look for in a guy, let’s get into the specifics.

#1 Honesty. I know this is so generic. Everyone says this, but not everyone lives up to it. Anyone can say that they are honest but anyone can lie.

When a girl is looking for an honest guy, she doesn’t mean just a guy who doesn’t cheat. She means a guy who talks to her about the good stuff and the bad stuff. She wants a guy who admits when he’s made a mistake. Then makes sure he is the one to tell her about it so she doesn’t have to hear it from someone else.

Honesty is the glue that holds all the other things girls look for in a guy together, so focus on this one. 

#2 Masculinity. Masculinity is a pretty popular word on social media right now. Actually, toxic masculinity is the phrase that is thrown around and for good reason. Toxic masculinity is seen in a man who needs to prove his manliness through traditionally male things like cars, violence, not crying or showing emotions, and avoiding the color pink, etc.

This is not the masculinity that girls look for in a guy. Rather, gentlemanliness, honor, and humility are what truly shows masculinity in a man. If you need some examples of a man who shows his masculinity without an ounce of toxic in the mix, there is Chris Evans, Tom Hanks, and Mr. Rogers, just to name a few.

#3 Openness. A girl looks for a guy willing to try new things. This can range dramatically based on the girl. It can mean you are willing to take a spur of the moment vacation or trying a new restaurant.

Openness is also relevant to see things from someone else’s point of view. If you are not open, you are closed. You are essentially stuck in one mindset or view of the world. Being open helps you understand and experience life more fully. Girls want that in a guy.

#4 Respect. Make a note of this one because it is a priority. I am sure you have heard from other guys that girls like to be talked down to or treated badly. That is far from the truth. There are some women that get manipulated by this behavior due to trauma or past dysfunction. No one is looking for that.

What women want is respect. For you to take our words at face value and treat us as equals. Sure, dating comes with a level of flirtatious teasing and challenges. That can all be done without disrespect.

#5 Understanding. Just as a girl understands how bad it hurts to be kicked in the junk without ever actually experiencing it herself, girls look for that empathetic characteristic in a guy. A girl wants you to understand how she is feeling. She wants you to pay attention to her worries and fears.

You may not be able to feel what she is feeling, but by understanding her and empathizing with her, you are trying.

#6 Support. All girls want a guy who will support them through their struggles and their choices. Whether that means being there for her in the midst of family drama or supporting her decision to go back to school or apply for a promotion.

A modern day version of this would be the term “Instagram husband.” This is the boyfriend or husband of an Instagram model that goes out of his way to help her get that perfect photo. He supports her hustle 100%. The opposite of this would be a guy telling his girlfriend not to post that picture because other guys will look at it. 

#7 Independence. No girl wants a guy who can’t survive on his own. You should be able to care for yourself and function on your own. It isn’t the 1950’s anymore. A man should be able to do his own laundry and cook his own food.

When a girl sees a guy who still has his mom take care of him or is always in a relationship so someone can do these things, it is a major turn off.

#8 Compromise. Having a willingness to compromise is not only something girls look for in a guy, but it is something that is essential to any relationship. Someone unwilling to compromise on things like a date spot or who drives will not be able to handle bigger issues in the future.

#9 Availability. This is something girls look for in a guy from the first date. Actually, before the first date even happens. Now, I do not mean you must have tons of free time. Just be able to make plans and stick to them.

A sign that a guy will not be available regularly are loosely made plans and being hard to reach. A girl will notice that you take the time to prioritize her.

#10 Self-care. Another word for self-care could be hygiene. But I really shouldn’t have to say that. Of course, a girl is looking for a guy who brushes his teeth and showers regularly, but this should go beyond that.

Girls want a guy who takes care of himself like an adult. This means you clean your bathroom *or at least hire someone to*, wash your dishes, have soap and shampoo in the shower, wash your face, etc. 

#11 Confidence. Confidence is something just about all women look for in a guy. A guy who second-guesses himself and is in need of constant reassurance and approval is not only unattractive but can be very manipulative and needy to a dysfunctional level.

Showing that you like who you are and feel good in your own skin will help her see your best qualities.  

#12 Acceptance. Just as you want her to accept you and all your quirks or imperfections that make you, you, she wants the same thing. Accept her for who she is. She will notice that. Do not judge her for her choices, her past, or anything else.

So, what do girls look for in a guy? All girls want is for you to be a good person and show it.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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