‘Is 55 Too Old to Go on Tinder?’ What Dating Looks Like for the Middle-Aged

Here’s an interesting contribution from one of my readers!

I’ve been fielding a lot of questions about dating apps lately. There are 2 a.m. texts like: “Is 55 too old to go on Tinder?” And existential laments like: “I thought I was just leafing through photos but it turns out I was swiping yes, yes, yes, when I wanted to say maybe, maybe, maybe. Isn’t there any room for ambiguity? Not even an option to ‘save for later?”

All good questions, though I don’t have the answers. I have no experience with Tinder or any of the swiping apps—I only made it to the browser-based era of online dating. But as the first person in my friend group to divorce, nearly 10 years ago, I’m the prime confidante for questions too embarrassing to ask the happily coupled.

But I might be relieved of those duties now that we finally have an elder stateswoman of mid-life dating: Candace Bushnell, creator of Sex and the City—the book and series that tackled all the uncomfortable dilemmas of 30-something single women in the 1990s—is back with a new book and upcoming Netflix series that asks, Is There Still Sex in the City? And while she doesn’t bring back Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, or Samantha, it feels a bit like we’re at brunch with middle-aged versions of those archetypes, and they’re still talking about love and sex because, well, of course.

The book, part memoir, part fiction, is a guide to the Ides of 50, a stage of life when kids depart (along with most of the local estrogen), marriages teeter, and normally accommodating women stop being so accommodating. And because things are way more complicated now, they may also find themselves trying to figure out how to swipe maybe on a 27-year-old programmer from Connecticut.

Much like in the original SATC, Bushnell and her friends experience every romantic possibility so we don’t have to—from being courted by cubs (young men who pursue older women) to dating wealthy septuagenarians who think 59 is a bit old for them. She writes about re-dating an ex decades later and a laser procedure called the MonaLisa Touch that is supposed to rejuvenate a woman’s sex life like Viagra, except that it hurts and is almost never covered by insurance. You can hear Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice in Bushnell’s as she asks a new set of Carrie-esque questions: “Are -middle-aged women now catnip for younger men?” “Was Tinder an app for people that hated themselves?”

Bushnell, now 60, also touches on poignant aspects of what she calls “middle-aged madness”: the death of a parent, the isolation of divorce, the ache of realizing that even the most gorgeous among us will eventually become invisible.

Until recently, when we saw women in some midlife drama, it usually involved Diane Keaton in a gauzy romance set against a tasteful backdrop. No one was getting ghosted on Bumble at 49 with absolutely no explanation.

A slew of recent movies gets at the lighter side of midlife madness. Wine Country, directed by Amy Poehler and released this past spring, sees a group of old friends travel to Napa for a 50th birthday only to discover that no one escapes middle age unscathed. It has some hilarious moments, but it’s no Sideways, the 2004 Oscar-winning Napa road-trip film that was not only funny but also piercing and sad. I hate to say it, but many male midlife crisis films are often less earnest and take more fruitful risks, and we need more of that in stories about women.

And that brings me to the next beat in the 50-plus women genre: Otherhood, a good-hearted Netflix film that debuts this month. It’s about three friends, played by Patricia Arquette, Angela Bassett, and Felicity Huffman, who must rekindle their identities, separate from their roles as mothers, now that their children are adults. Arquette tells TIME she cherished the opportunity to play a mom at this stage: “I haven’t had a lot of chances to do material where the leads are all women, talking about friendship and parenting with a female director and producer.” (Director Cindy Chupack won an Emmy for her work on Sex and the City.) But Arquette really lights up when she talks about something apart from her role as a mom—her work pushing for the Equal Rights Amendment. And that’s the problem with the film: we already know these three mom archetypes too well. This is in contrast to Gloria Bell, released earlier this year and starring Julianne Moore, which gets at the complexities of existing in the in-between of young and old, a parent but not so needed, attractive but with sexual irrelevance in view.

Otherhood was also overshadowed by news of Huffman’s bout of real-life middle-aged madness when she admitted to paying $15,000 to get her daughter into college with faked achievements. The irony is that the real-life story might be a more powerful tale about mothers who need to separate from their children. It made us cringe, in part because we’ve all done things—albeit less egregious things—to help our kids, only to realize later we’d gone too far. It can be easier to see the truth in extremes.

I welcome Bushnell’s new series, so long as it’s brave enough to take us to those outer edges of female longing, insecurity, vanity, brilliance and connection. That was, after all, the beauty of the original. The SATC women were not subtle creatures. Most of us don’t have 600 pairs of shoes, nor have we left a man at the altar, but we viscerally understood Carrie’s self-destructive obsession with both the shoes and the man. And while it’s common for us to choose one of the four characters as our avatar, in many ways we are all of them at once. The challenge for the new incarnation is to be as open and complex about post-menopausal life as the last one was about everything that comes before.

Bushnell and her co-creators would do well to take a page from Season 2 of BBC’s Fleabag, which features a now Emmy-nominated guest spot from Kristin Scott Thomas. Her character gives a raw and riveting soliloquy about female aging and the liberation that comes with it. Afterward, young Fleabag, on the receiving end, says she’d been told menopause was horrendous. Thomas answers with a wink: “It is horrendous. But then it’s magnificent.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Why You’re Failing At Online Dating (And The One Trick That Attracts Love)

One change can make all the difference.

You may be surprised to find out why online dating sites aren’t working for you. It’s not creeps sexting you pictures of their junk, it’s not gold-diggers out for free meals, it’s not married people secretly looking for a little action on the side, and it’s not scammers or catfish preying on lonely people in an attempt to extort money.

I’ve heard all the horror stories in my work as a relationship coach. Despite the dark side of looking for love with online dating, the reality might shock you even more because it’s unexpected.

What’s the real reason online dating isn’t working for you?

The truth is no matter what your experience or back story, the main reason dating sites don’t work for the majority of people is simple: it’s ineffective or poorly developed profiles. That’s the shock of it.

Many of the struggles are self-inflicted. Now, if that sentence offends you at all, that may be a clue for you to pay special attention. I didn’t say it’s all your fault or that you somehow deserve to suffer; on the contrary, I do this work because everyone deserves to feel more loved than they’ve felt before — and that includes you.

The reality is, one-third of all new marriages began with an online date, so there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever that online dating does work. But here’s the other interesting statistic: only about 20 percent of online daters say it’s working for them, which is defined by whether they’re dating, in a relationship, engaged, or married as a result.

If you do the quick and simple math there, that means that 80 percent of online daters are not getting the result they think they’re paying for on those sites. Too many really great people are getting frustrated and starting to doubt themselves because they might not be great writers or understand one other critical distinction that makes all the difference.

Let me explain.

Your dating profile is an advertisement. That’s because its job is to get attention, cause engagement, pique curiosity, create a favorable impression and generate a response. If your profile fails at any single one of those jobs, you fail. Game over. No click? No date. No intrigue? No sale.

The difference between a good ad and a bad ad is simple. A good ad works and gets a response, which is the intended result; a bad ad gets ignored and is a tremendous waste of time, money, and resources.

Remember, we’re talking about 80 percent of millions of people. There are a lot of great catches slipping through those nets every day and I want to change that.

The specific problem with most dating profiles is that they lack a cohesive and coherent message, so it’s no surprise that potential partners lose the thread or check out early.

That’s an automatic fail. If someone can’t get a “take away,” they will tend to “go away.”

Rather than offering crystal clarity about what the writer brings to the table for their partner, instead, they focus on self-serving, pointless, and unconvincing recitations of their own demands. That sounds more like a ransom letter than a love note to the partner you haven’t yet met, doesn’t it?

Is it any wonder that’s not working? If it wouldn’t work with you, why do you think someone else might be intrigued by that approach? 

With all due respect, do you think the fact that you’re a guy who loves sports or a woman who loves jeans and a cute little black cocktail dress really makes you stand out from the crowd? Come on! You can’t really expect to get attention if your profile blends in and sounds like every other profile, can you?

Your dating profile is failing — just like 80 percent of them do — because it’s missing some key ingredients that people need in order to see you as a viable, potential partner.

The bottom line? There’s no reason to throw away good money on dating sites when you can throw away your old, ineffective dating profile instead. What have you got to lose but your own frustration or loneliness?

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

If He Does These 7 Things, He Likes You Way More Than You Think

He’s ready to take it to the next step!

Buying you flowers, paying for your dinner, making uninterrupted eye contact with you during said dinner — these are all classic signs a guy likes you.

These signs he’s into you are so “run of the mill” that they’re impossible to mistake.

But relationships aren’t always that black and white and figuring out how to tell if a guy likes you isn’t always so simple. If you’re asking yourself, “is he into me?” you aren’t alone.

Aside from the obvious signs of affection, there are a few unexpected signs someone likes you more than you think.

Since every relationship is as different as the people in them, it’s impossible to generalize the exact signs he likes you.

The way your new potential partner acts around you may be completely different than the behavior of an ex at the beginning of your relationship, which can cause you to question whether or not they really like you at all.

But believe it or not, the nuanced, subtle signs that you might not expect are oftentimes even more powerful indicators of someone’s true feelings than the grand gestures or stereotypical come-ons.

Instead of calling it quits because your new partner isn’t giving you the cues you expected, take a step back and evaluate their behavior through some of these more unexpected but important signs a guy likes you more than a friend.

1. He follows through.

In the beginning stages of a relationship, many people are focused on building trust and will go to great lengths to follow through on promises.

Although many people expect lavish promises at the beginning of a new relationship, The Huffington Post noted that the opposite might be true.

The site noted that if the person you’re seeing takes extra measures to make sure that they call when they say they’ll call, or follow through in other ways, you can assume that your relationship means something to them.

2. He takes it slow.

Although passion and speed might be common at the start of a new relationship, one piece from Thought Catalog pointed out that slowness isn’t a bad thing when it comes to relationships.

In fact, if someone wants to take it slow, it’s probably because the fear of messing things up with you is greater than their desire to get too intimate too soon.

3. You cultivate a friendship first.

Similar to taking it slow, if you have a genuine friendship established before jumping into anything romantic, you can rest assured that they like you in a deep way that goes beyond a crush.

4. He acts awkward toward you.

If your significant other seems to be calm, cool, and confident in front of everyone else but you, Elite Daily noted that they might just like you more than you think.

It’s common for people to be unsure of how to act in a new relationship, even when they typically seem to have it all together.

5. He acts ‘formulaic’ around you.

In one of his YouTube coaching videos, relationship coach Clayton Olson said that “formulaic” behavior is a bizarre behavior that a potential partner will sometimes exhibit at the beginning of a relationship.

This, he explained, means that they will follow an already established formula when it comes to your interactions, avoiding spontaneity or situations where they don’t feel comfortable.

Although it may make you feel like they’re being too reserved or boring, it’s simply a way to mask their initial feelings of being outside their comfort zone.

6. He mirrors your movements.

Mimicry has to do with a lot more than sympathy (i.e. the way we reel back sympathetically when someone gets hurt) it has something to do with affection too.

One study from the American Psychological Association noted that subtle mirroring is a sign of attraction in humans.

7. He doesn’t mind the inconveniences to be near you.

Are they willing to drive extra long hours to be with you for a short amount of time?

If things that would normally seem like an inconvenience aren’t a big deal to them, chances are, they’re head over heels.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

11 Things That Attract A Younger Woman To An Older Man

Have you ever been attracted to an older man? Suddenly your friend’s father or his/her older brother or even your college professor seems like a forbidden fruit you want to indulge in. When you see Milind Soman, you can’t stop drooling over this silver fox and his mature personality. Young woman-older man relationships are common nowadays, especially among celebrities. From George Clooney and Amal Clooney, Hillary Burton and Dave Morgan, Ryan Reynolds and Blake Lively to Beyonce and Jay-Z, they all have been in marriages with a huge age difference. So, what attracts a younger woman to an older man? Let’s find out.

According to a study conducted by St. Mary’s University’s (Halifax), Sara Skentelbery, and Darren Fowler, women who date older men are looking for father figures. There’s a possibility that they were neglected by their fathers as children and now they are looking for attention from older men. The study also says that older men come with financial security that women often look for and when older men go for younger women they could be looking to reproduce at an older age. Whatever the reason maybe we will look into what really attracts a younger woman to an older man.

So why would a younger woman choose an older man? What do younger women actually look for in older men? Are they just sexually attracted to older men or it is something more? The attraction between older men and younger women sets some obvious sparks which are hard to resist. Sometimes it’s just sexual attraction while there are times that it turns out into something more meaningful. Whether or not the relationship is meaningful or sexual, purely depends on compatibility and differs from person to person. Here are 11 things that attract a younger woman to an older man.

When you actually fall in love, age is just a number.

1. They are more responsible and mature

We all agree that men act like grown-up kids or are as a man child. They run away from responsibilities and maturity is something you can’t expect from them. Many times, women find men of their age to lack a sense of responsibility. Women get tired of doing all the work and seek someone who is responsible and will look after them, instead of vice versa. In the long run, married men become lazy and women feel that older men would still be able to understand their problems because of their maturity levels.

Women mature faster than men and seek someone to match their level of maturity. Older men are more responsible which make them ideal for such women.

2. A sense of security

Older men provide a sense of security which is an essential criterion for a happy relationship. Most of the time, older men are more accomplished in life. As and when they reach heights in their career, they procure certain assets to secure their future. Women seek emotional and financial security, especially when they are thinking of settling down. Finding a man, who is able to make them feel both emotionally and financially secure, is something that draws them towards older men. They feel more comfortable knowing that their future is secure with such a person.

3. They are more experienced

Older men have played the field for a longer time and are more experienced in handling women. Their experience with women makes them adept at handling women. They can handle a woman’s mood swings and can also comfort them with the right words and actions. Younger women feel more comfortable with older men because they know all the right words to say when they feel pulled down. Older men make them feel emotionally secure.

Related Reading: He thought he’d have a good time with a younger woman, she asked him for a loan

4. The daddy issues

Women with daddy issues usually get easily attracted to older men. They want the next male figure to be someone who is the opposite of their father. Someone who understands her like her father didn’t. In the attempt of seeking someone unlike their father, younger women find older men as a replacement for their father. They seek a mentor, a friend, and someone to give them advice. In the process, these younger women get attracted to the wisdom and maturity of older men and fall for them.

Younger woman may be having daddy issues

5. They know what they want in life

If you ask a guy of your age what he wants in life, he will either stare at you with a blank expression or will give you some immature answer like, “Playing video games all my life” or “Nothing but sleep”. The same response from an older man will be about his ambitions, his career objectives, and his future prospects. Older men are driven by goals and direction which is what makes younger women get attracted to them. And then by the time you figure that you are married to a wrong person, it is too late. This is because women are usually more mature than men and they look for someone who would match their level of maturity.

6. Their mysterious aura

Sexy older men have this sense of mysteriousness around them. The frowns on their forehead or the seriousness in their face says that there’s something deeper to them and you can’t help but want to know more about their story. The lesser an older man talks about himself, the more you want to know about him. Blame it on chick flicks or rom-com movies, you feel as if he has a dreadful past and you want to act like the girl who revived him from it and brought happiness back into his life again.

Related Reading: 8 Relationship Problems Faced By Couples With Huge Age Difference

7. They are more understanding

Older men are more understanding than younger men. They don’t fight over small issues and make a big deal about them. Older men are more patient and will try to find the root of the problem and resolve the issue rather than playing the blame game. Their conflict resolution skills are exceptional. They keep their calm and will try to understand you first before jumping to conclusions. Women find this attractive because they feel like older men understand their feelings, value their emotions, and know how to respect them.

Older men understand better

8. They aren’t afraid of marriage

Younger women eventually get tired of heartbreaks and look for settling down with someone who isn’t going to break their hearts anymore. Older men make the perfect match because at that time they are looking towards settling down with someone. They aren’t afraid of marriage and make such women feel secure and assure her that this is not going to end up like another fling of theirs. Younger women feel that finally, they aren’t going to suffer another heartache.

9. They make a good sugar daddy

Younger women get easily attracted to older men because sometimes all they are looking for is to be a sugar baby. Younger men and women like easy money and don’t mind dating older people for it. They want someone to pay their bills and give them a lifestyle they wouldn’t otherwise be able to afford. Some younger women want sugar daddies to give them expensive gifts that they can show off in front of others, something which would make them socially desirable and boost their ego. An older man would give them all these perks which she would otherwise not be able to afford.

Related Reading: 6 Bollywood Movies Where The Lead Characters Have Had A Huge Age Difference

10. They’re good in bed

If there’s one more thing older men have more experience in, it’s with women. Older men are more experienced in bed too and know how to satisfy their women. They understand s*x is not only for them but also for the women. There’s this chemistry between an older man and a younger woman that does wonders in bed too. It’s hard for the spark to go off when you’re dating an older man.

Older men are good in bed

11. The heart wants what it wants

Sometimes a younger woman dating an older man has nothing to do with his age. We say that love is blind and the heart wants what it wants. After all, there is no set age difference for a great marriage! Sometimes it’s just compatibility and understanding that just makes them click. Cupid can strike anywhere and at any time. It can bring two totally opposite people together, even if they have a huge age gap. For people whose age isn’t a factor, a huge age gap doesn’t make a difference.

Can an older man love a younger woman? How does it feel like dating older men? Dating an older man will make you feel that you’ve finally found someone who wants the same thing as you.

However, there are some important things that you need to think about. Will this person be able to handle your immaturity or will he treat you like a child? What are his plans for children? Where do you see your future with him? You need these questions answered as you don’t want to end up like Monica Geller who had to leave Richard because he didn’t want kids.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Men Who Attract “Crazy” Women: It’s All Your Fault

I’m truly fed up with men complaining that they always wind up with “crazy women” or saying that all of their exes are “crazy.” You want to know why I’m fed up with it? Because when men say this, they are taking no accountability for their own actions. They are refusing to see that they are the common denominator in all of their relationships with these alleged “crazy” women and are unwilling to admit that if they don’t like what they attract, it’s probably because they don’t like themselves. Water seeks its own level aka crazy attracts crazy. The use of the word “Crazy” is also very derogatory, and that’s frustrating in and of itself. But, if you are a man who continues to attract women who wind up being rather unstable, do not complain that that “just happens” to you. You’re causing it. Here’s how.

You first comment on looks

I’ve noticed one thing in common with every man I know who claims he “attracts crazy women”: the stories of how they first pick up these women involve these guys laying on the compliments about the women’s appearances—heavily. Those first interactions are all about telling the woman she’s really hot. Unfortunately, only women who do have some personal emotional work to do would ever go for this. Emotionally healthy women would not like that all of the focus and attention is on something superficial.

And go after the very put-together women

And, to add to that last point, these men who claim to attract unstable women only go after extremely hot women. I mean that level of hot that is only achieved through $500 haircuts, hours of makeup, every waist cincher and bust lifter available, extensions, and freshly manicured nails. Every day. I’m sorry to say it again but there is often a personality type (hello: high maintenance) that comes with this look. But these silly men who “attract crazies” are just drawn to that look, and aren’t perceptive enough to pick up on the beauty of women with a more subtle appearance aka ones who are stable enough to not overdo it on the hair/makeup/designer clothes thing.

One male acquaintance starts every relationship by showering the woman with monetary items. Whether that’s highly expensive jewelry, meals, or trips, the money is obvious and everywhere. I still state again that, gentlemen, if you want to attract a woman who is down to earth, you won’t find her on the other end of a Ferrari wrapped in a ribbon.

This is so common: a man seduces a woman out of a relationship she’s already in, into a relationship with him, and then things turn out to be toxic and turbulent. Oh wow, no way? A woman who was willing to cheat and relationship jump isn’t stable? You’re kidding me. Who would’ve thought?

You like women who mimic your personality

The man who winds up in these turbulent relationships also tends to like this trait in a woman: she mimics his personality. She’s a chameleon. Whatever hobbies or restaurants or people he loves, she loves, too. This is where a man’s ego can really get him in trouble. I have news for you, men: if a woman seems to love everything you love, it’s an act. And if there is some sort of act going on now, there will be some sort of drama going on later. Stable women will have their own personalities and interests. They won’t pretend to love everything you love.

You demand all of their time at first

Funny enough, the men I know who later claim their exes were “crazy,” are usually very needy in relationships. I see them calling and texting a new interest constantly, wanting to see her regularly, and always wanting to know where she is and who she’s with. Another newsflash, men: if a woman tolerates all of that jealousy and paranoia it’s because she’s also going to exhibit it. Men, if you want a woman who is laid back and not controlling, you yourselves must be laid back and not controlling.

Then you’re shocked when they demand yours

These same men are also completely shocked when they go from calling a woman every hour to ghosting her for weeks and she goes a little nuts. What did they expect? They gave her the impression this was going somewhere and then they disappeared. That would make anyone upset.

You move too fast

I know one guy who falls into this same pit over and over again. He always wants that next thrill (it’s just a form of running from himself and some serious healing that needs to happen). So he’ll move fast with a woman, wanting to live with her or get engaged within just a few months. Again, I will state that, as a man, if you try to move fast, you should know any woman who goes along with it will not be stable. Stable women take things slowly.

Then you abruptly put on the breaks

Then, once these men decide that their new, shiny toy is no longer that new or shiny, they put on the breaks abruptly. One month it’s, “Move in with me” and the next month it’s, “Why are you always in my space?” And, shocker, this can result in some “crazy” behavior on the female’s part. Who wouldn’t be upset by that total 180?

You want something all-consuming

Every relationship that ends up in flames begins as a “whirlwind romance.” Have you noticed that? If two people just take the time to get to know one another, see each other at a reasonable frequency in the beginning and still maintain their individuality, nobody winds up slashing tires or burning down houses. But the men I know who claim their exes are “crazy” always dive into things head first, are attached at the hip with these women, and go totally MIA on the rest of their friends while in relationships.

But stable women aren’t about that

Emotionally healthy women want to maintain their individuality. They want to keep up with their own social lives. They want time to themselves. So, fellas, any woman you meet who is willing to dive into this relationship that consumes the both of you probably won’t be, um, emotionally stable.

You’re looking for a massive ego boost

So, here’s the thing: I’ve noticed that the same men who call their exes crazy also like women who are highly impressed with their money, status, fame, and other superficial elements. These men are deeply insecure and must rely on superficial things to get attention. So they wind up with women who are equally insecure and drawn in by that BS.

Again, stable women won’t give you that

Again, a healthy woman will be repulsed by a man who tries to use his status to gain affection. Sorry, guys, but if you’re going to find quality relationships, you can’t take the easy way of flashing your money around.

You either like extreme partiers

I’ve also noticed that the men I know whose relationships go up in flames are often drawn to women who are huge partiers. These men are usually insecure, and to compensate for that they like the competitive nature that comes with dating a woman who is out at clubs each night. They like to pick fights. They like a reason to be possessive. And women who spend most of their nights partying until the sunrise probably aren’t on the most stable ground right now, either.

Or extreme introverts

The other personality I see these men attracted to is the introvert. Again, men who “just happen” to fall into turbulent relationships (again, it’s totally their own fault) are often controlling. So many of them like women who are introverted and very shy because they know they can trust them to just stay at home and wait for them. But if a woman is so introverted that she’s essentially a hermit, she will likely develop codependency issues on the one relationship in her life. I mean really men what do you expect?! You actively seek out these unstable relationships and then play the victim card when things get unstable.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1