The Brutal Reason Why You’re Addicted to Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men

The toxic effect of chasing men who won’t give you what you want

When you crave romantic love, you can’t live without it. But, when you’re addicted to chasing emotionally unavailable men, love becomes intoxicating.

These men can drip feed you with bits of affection, which keeps you hanging on for more, even though they do not want a relationship. You can’t get enough of them, whereby you end up addicted to wanting someone who’s not that into you — a toxic love addiction or unrequited love.

Like a drug addiction, it all feels good at the beginning. Relationships can seem distorted through an altered perspective when you’re hanging out for it.

It all feels good until the intoxicating effects of the relationship start wearing off. After the rush and excitement, it all comes crashing down, until you want more to feel the same high.

You’ve become hooked on the relationship. But, what happens when the other person doesn’t want more? You can’t get enough of them, chasing them, and waiting for the next feel-good moment.

You can look towards men to make yourself feel good when you don’t feel good enough. You can project them to be everything you ever wanted. So, you end up getting hooked into feeling good about yourself, through the lens that you see them.

You can end up on a high from chasing someone who doesn’t want a relationship, due to the intoxicating feeling. The anticipation of seeing them excites you and overrides your sense of reality.

You may feel the urge for more and they don’t want it. Somehow, you get drawn to a person who is emotionally unavailable to you. You’re addicted to the excitement of chasing them. When you pine over them, you want them more, so you can feel good again.

When you are craving romantic love, you might ignore the signs that you are not loved back. Having a love addiction can distort your perspective when you hold onto the hope or the fantasy of obtaining unmet and one-sided love.

As a relationship therapist, I hear the agony of unrequited love from those who feel stuck chasing men who don’t love them.

You must be honest with yourself and face the brutal truth when you are in love with someone who is not that into you. Otherwise, you can become blind-sighted and in denial about the actual relationship.

So, why do you have a love addiction for men who are unobtainable in some way?

It is easy to stay attached because it feels better than accepting the reality that the relationship could be over.

Love is an addiction and it can feel good, even if it’s not good for you.

You do not want to acknowledge the actual truth, because you do not want to be alone, so you’ve created this fantasy that you are loved. You can project your hopes and fantasies onto them, feeling intense passion, that is one-sided. You see them as whatever you want them to be, to fulfill your unmet needs.

You can look to others to feel good about yourself when you feel not good enough. So, you end up getting hooked into feeling good about yourself, through the lens that you see them

You ignore the signs that love is one-sided because you cannot stop yourself from holding on. You can end up chasing them and put effort into a dead-end relationship. They may even tell you the relationship is over, but you do not believe them.

You may even be misguided to think that if you fight for the relationship, you will convince them to love you back. Like an addict, you’ll do whatever it takes to get that high.

Having an addiction to unavailable men means you hold onto those who do not love you because it feels better than getting over them.

It can feel worse to go without — temporally.

The toxic effects of the addiction to pursuing unavailable men diminishes your self-worth and self-esteem, so you feel worse about yourself. This can cause many to put more effort into a dead-end relationship that goes nowhere.

Sometimes, it’s hard to be honest with the situation. Your hopes and dreams can cause you to believe whatever you want, rather than see the truth.

You’ve become addicted to something that is toxic for you and became dependent on a relationship that doesn’t really exist.

You end up attracting men who do not want a relationship while sacrificing your chances of finding real love.

The only way to recover is to withdraw from the relationship and learn how to move on from the toxic love.

The truth is, you’ve become addicted when you get hit with the intoxicating feelings so that you end up wanting more. It can be hard to give up something that feels good but is not good for you.

So you settle for someone to escape the empty void within yourself, of feeling not good enough from unmet love. When you stop looking externally to feel good about yourself, and look within yourself, you can heal the addiction of loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

Nancy Carbone is a relationship therapist. If you notice you’re addicted to chasing emotionally unavailable men, you can schedule an appointment by contacting Nancy on her website at Counselling Service Melbourne or follow her on social media for more tips and advice.

 

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

5 Reasons Physical Attraction Alone Isn’t The Most Important Thing In Your Relationship

Looks fade, but the emotional connection is everlasting.

Looks may be what initially attracts you to your significant other, but physical attraction alone is not enough to sustain a relationship. Connections made based on personality are, in fact, what keeps relationships alive.

To get into a relationship based just on looks isn’t wise. Physical attractiveness only allows you to see who the person is on the outside, not where it matters most.

That’s why looks alone are not the best indicator of long-term success in relationships.

Whenever we think of a couple’s likelihood to last, we think of how well they get along and their chemistry. Their collective attractiveness is what we tend to look at first, but not the main reason we think they’ll last.

There’s nothing great about having an attractive boyfriend if you don’t connect on an emotional level. You need to be able to feel comfortable enough to be your authentic self with your partner, and that means being able to laugh, cry, and eat chicken wings around them without worry.

Thankfully, long-lasting relationships aren’t solely built on looks because we don’t control our looks. Our genetics do, so how we look is completely out of our hands. Also, what we find attractive is sometimes subconscious.

Having binge-watching the reality series, Love Is Blind, on Netflix, it got me wondering whether this show was on to something. Is love truly blind? Can you really fall in love with someone based solely on the conversations you’ve shared with one another?

The answer to both questions is yes, but you do have to be attracted to your partner on a physical degree.

Although small, physical attraction does play a role in the success of the relationship, it’s still not the most important aspect.

Everyone should find their partner attractive enough to be able to enjoy the physical aspects of a relationship. When we get in relationships, we all want our needs to be met, so not finding your partner physically attractive could easily end the relationship, like not having an emotional connection.

When you’re choosing your next partner, be sure to keep in mind that physical attraction isn’t the only thing you need for a happy and healthy relationship.

1. Just because he’s physically attractive, it doesn’t mean he’ll have character.

Him being attractive doesn’t tell you anything about how he’ll treat you. You can think of quite a few boys who were extremely hot and complete f***boys and jerks. Just because he’s hot, that doesn’t mean he’ll treat you in the manner you deserve to be treated.

After the novelty effect of your partner’s looks wears off, you’ll be left with who he really is. That’s when the importance of personality and character will really hit you.

2. And it doesn’t mean he’ll be smart.

There’s nothing wrong with being a pretty boy. But in this day and age of girl bosses, intelligence is more important than ever.

Women want men who can have deep conversations ranging from business topics all the way to personal tragedies. And men who don’t have the intellectual capability of holding a conversation isn’t exactly your cup of tea.

3. His appearance doesn’t mean he’ll be loyal.

Not all men are cheaters. Some men are very upfront and transparent in that regard.

But it’s undeniable that the more attractive a man is, the more women will be interested in him. When you have more options to choose from, it makes it easier to cheat.
4. Physical attractiveness doesn’t equate to financial stability.

Financial stability is really important in relationships, especially if you’re at the stage of moving in together. But being attractive doesn’t mean he’s knowledgeable about budgeting.

Unfortunately, being attractive doesn’t pay the bills… unless he’s a male model or influencer, of course.

5. All that attention based on his looks might make him self-centered.

Being attractive can really cause some people to become cocky and feel entitled. No one wants to date a guy who’s self-centered because he thinks the whole world revolves around him!

Within a relationship, it’ll become very evident that he views himself as superior to his significant other.

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

How Long It Actually Takes To Feel Like Yourself Again After A Breakup

You won’t feel this way forever — as long as you do something about it.

While you’re still figuring how to get over a breakup, low self-esteem is inevitable and you can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever learn to love yourself again.

Let’s face it, breakups stink! Getting over someone you loved is difficult.

Right now, you’re probably wondering how long it takes to get over a breakup, and how long your low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence will stick around.

Even if you are the one to initiate the split, you are still likely to experience a complicated range of emotions — sadness, confusion, self-doubt, and anger. You’ll ask yourself, at some point, “How long am I going to feel this way?”

The end of a relationship not only initiates lowered self-esteem but it can also be the onset of depression.

On the positive side, it can also provide a powerful learning experience that may benefit your future relationships.

But while you are waiting to “feel” that great learning opportunity, you are probably more likely to start feeling bad about yourself and wondering how long your low self-esteem will last while you’re going through the heartbreak.

While six to eight weeks is the average length of time spent getting over a breakup and recovering, according to licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Should I Stay or Should I Go? a variety of factors will play a role in just how long it takes for you.

I used to know someone who actually mourned the loss of his wife for over 5 years and still hasn’t recovered. The last two years of their marriage had zero intimacy, and she ended up leaving him. He was too busy blowing thousands of dollars in strip joints every night. He’s an addict and a pathological liar, so she did the right thing to leave this incredible bore. She immediately hooked up with some other guy, got pregnant, and had a baby.

She has a good job and plenty of wealth she’s earned, so good for her. She was smart enough to move forward with her life and get away from this loser. Sadly, her ex is still circling the drain and I assume will soon clog it before going down it sooner than later.

Anyway, let’s move on. 6 to 8 weeks to mourn is plenty.

Researchers at the University of Berkeley say that the brain in love is the same as the brain wired for reward (in this case, interaction with your ex).

Your brain still wants the reward (your ex, not necessarily “love”), so the symptoms of a breakup are essentially the symptoms of withdrawal.

There are 3 major factors that influence how long it takes to get over a breakup:

  • What you tell yourself about the breakup
  • What you tell yourself about your future
  • What you tell yourself about yourself

And what you tell yourself about each and all of these topics will reflect both how you feel about yourself and the speed with which you recover from low self-esteem after a breakup.

Playing the victim will always make getting over your breakup take longer. Instead of indulging all-or-nothing negative thoughts about your ex, take ownership of your own role in the breakup.

It always takes two and healthy relationships don’t just end suddenly. A realistic assessment of your relationship can actually be a source of empowerment for you.

Low self-esteem after a breakup is naturally going to rear its ugly head and tell you that you will never find love or be loved again.

But, you will learn how to get over someone and love yourself again as long as you do something about it.

Instead of believing that you will never find someone (or someone as good as your ex), empower yourself with the belief that you are on a path of learning how to love better.

The wounded, post-breakup heart tends to process painful statements and dynamics from the severed relationship: “The person who I thought knew me best and loved me the most now thinks I’m worthless, so it must be true.”

Self-loathing, however natural, doesn’t help you with building self-esteem again.

The time it takes to heal a lowered self-esteem when you’re learning how to deal with a breakup will be predicated, in large part, on your ability to realize that you are not the negative things your ex said about you or the negative things you think about yourself.

Even if it seems awkward, take time every day to engage in the practice of self-love — meditation, sleep, nutrition, exercise, socializing, getting a change of scenery, having a good cry…and getting off social media!

Take heart in the fact that extreme emotions, both good and bad, don’t linger.

We couldn’t survive if we lived 24/7 in the extreme highs and lows of the emotional gamut.

Instead of focusing on the physical manifestation of your ex, which likely stirs up feelings of negativity and anger, you can choose to focus on the positive feelings you had about them.

While that may seem counterintuitive, this practice will remind you that you had the opportunity to experience your own selflessness and capacity to love.

It will also help you to silence your inner critic and to process your emotions in an appropriate way — two important steps in mending lowered self-esteem and self-worth.

Valuing your own ability to love will empower and strengthen you to move on, low self-esteem after a breakup can disappear by reminding you that you are the only one who gets to define you.

 

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Breakups When You’ve Been Together For 10 Years Or More Affect You Differently — Here’s How

It’s tough to part ways with a partner at any stage of a relationship, even in the early days. But if you go through a breakup after ten years together, it can come with a new set of difficulties. First of all, “a breakup after having been together for around a decade is a substantial change,” Lauren Cook, MMFT, a clinician practicing emotionally-focused therapy, tells us. “Not only is it a loss of a romantic relationship, but a friendship, partnership, and general sense of comfortability.”

By the ten-year mark, you’re way past the honeymoon stage, which Cook says can last for up to two years, and well into the committed, companionship stage. You aren’t just dating anymore, but have truly become a solid part of each other’s lives — with a shared routine and shared goals for the future — making it more difficult to adjust to a new life.

There’s also the fact that the longer you’re in a relationship, the closer and more interconnected you become as partners, Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist, and relationship expert, tells us. “On an emotional level, one key factor is that couples who are together longer are more likely to have experienced significant life events together — whether it be job changes, moving, illnesses, family issues, etc.”

Going through these things together forms bonds that become key elements within your psyches and the relationship itself, Manly says. You don’t just know each other, you really know each other, so the idea of no longer having that connection can be incredibly painful and disorienting.

young sad woman sit beside window with vintage filter effect

Shutterstock

To add to this, there’s all the growing you did as individuals, as well as a couple during this time. You’ve not only gone through a lot together but are entirely different people from who you were when you first met. “Even more so than five years, a decade is a transformative period of time,” Cook says. “Chances are, your life looks considerably different than it did 10 years ago and if you have a partner who has seen you through all of those seasons, it is a tremendous change.”

Maybe you grew up together, and went through a lot of firsts, like new jobs and big moves. Or maybe you helped each other overcome obstacles, in order to learn more about yourselves. While all of that is still true, and it still happened, it can be tough to look back on the time spent together. In many ways, when a breakup occurs, it might even feel like you’re losing all your memories, Manly says, and all that history.

Young interracial couple in the couch stressed with financial problems doing calculations with paper work

Shutterstock

To untangle your lives at this point can also be tough logistically. “Often, your finances have become merged, you may have shared a living situation, and your other relationships with friends and family are intermingled even more so than in a shorter-term relationship,” Cook says. “Rewiring all of this takes time and processing.” It may be a while before you settle into a groove again, or figure out how to move through life without each other.

Of course, it’s always possible to amicably part ways and feels ready to move on, no matter how long you’ve been together. But many times, “recovering from a breakup of a long-term relationship can take quite a lot of time, particularly if the breakup was sudden,” Manly says. “If one or both partners are resistant to the breakup or shocked by a toxic issue (e.g., infidelity), the adjustment and healing time may be significant.”

Whatever the case may be, if your relationship is ending after ten years, it’s possible to make it easier on yourself, usually by quite literally taking it easy. “Part of the recovery process includes adjusting to a new normal, which means knowing that things will not feel normal for quite some time,” Cook says. “The important thing is to engage in self-care strategies, including spending time with family and friends, picking up a hobby, and getting enough sleep, exercise, and proper nutrition.”

It may even help to chat with a therapist, as they can be “incredibly helpful in addressing underlying issues such as anger, sadness, and grief,” Manly says. You can also talk with friends and mentors about your emotions and progress, she says, and any sense of “stuckness” you may be feeling.

Breaking up after only a few years together can be extremely difficult, but make it to that ten-year mark and you may find that it’s even trickier to part ways, and find your footing again. Since the process will likely be different, be sure to take your time, talk about it, process your feelings, and you will eventually be able to adjust.

 

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

How to Make a Girl Want You and Think Of You Sexually

Are you attracted to a girl but don’t know how to get her interested in you? Use these 10 ways on how to make a girl want you sexually to do just that.

Here’s a piece sent to me by one of my readers. It seems interesting and worth running on the blog today. You can always learn something new.

Thanks, Blane!

Girls may get drawn to a guy for his personality.

But even if you’re a guy with a great personality, it’s easy to end up becoming just a friend instead of a lover. If you want to make a girl fall in love with you, read these.

But if you want to make a girl want you and desire you sexually, read on.

Girls love great guys who are a lot of fun to be with. But then, there are a lot of great guys all around. And when you’re attracted to a girl who is drop-dead gorgeous and can get the attention of any guy she wants, it’s not easy to make her desire you sexually.

But there are ways, really easy ways.

Most guys are too afraid to make a move on a girl who’s very good-looking because they’re afraid to get spurned.

Don’t be one of those guys.

But when you’re trying to impress a girl you know, don’t make it obvious that you like her too soon either. If she doesn’t like you yet, she may end up distancing herself from you to avoid any awkward moments.

Instead, behave like a friend.

10 steps to making a girl want you

If you find yourself getting really attracted to a friend who’s getting a lot of attention already, you can definitely make her desire you and want you. All you need to do is play it safe and slow by using these steps to turn her on and make her want you.

#1 Be a good friend. Sometimes, behaving like a friend can be the easiest way to a girl’s heart. But there’s a very thin line between being a friend that she’s attracted to and being a friend she considers a brother.

If you want her to want you, be a good friend who’s there for her, but don’t always be there for her. Speak to her when she’s around, but make sure she sees you flirting with other girls now and then too. Don’t be the friend who’s going to give a shoulder to lean on. Instead, be the friend who talks about current events and fun things.

She’s got to love your company to start with, but she should never feel like you’re an indispensable friend. If you go wrong here, you may just end up getting into her friend zone and lose all hope of sleeping with her.

#2 Flirt with her. Try to spend time with her when she’s alone. If her other friends are with her, you can avoid her or just wave a hello and move on after a quick chat. The more you hang out with her as just a friend, the lesser the chances of you ever making her desire you.

Spend time with her only when she’s all by herself. That’ll give you enough time to date talk to her and discreetly flirt with her. Flirt with her, make her feel warm and awkwardly nice while hanging out with you. And treat her just like you would treat your girlfriend, but don’t ever call her your girlfriend though.

#3 Don’t be possessive. You may like her a lot and hate all the other guys that flirt with her. But you know what, you don’t own her. And she’s not your girlfriend. So never behave possessively or prevent her from meeting or talking to other guys. You’ll end up losing her because you’ll become a creepy guy.

Instead, have your own life, but give her your time when you bump into her or have some alone time together. Don’t be stuck at her hip. She’ll never fall for you and you’ll end up becoming her doormat.

#4 Be her secret life. As I said earlier, spend a lot of time with her and flirt with her, but do that only when she’s by herself. Create a secret relationship that no one knows about other than the both of you. By doing this, you’ll make the relationship more exciting and thrilling. Become a part of her life, text her often at night when you know she’s alone, talk about personal issues, and indulge in everything a couple would do. But keep the relationship a secret.

#5 Make her miss you. Now, this is tricky but also a lot of fun. Once both of you are closer and like spending time with each other, call her every night for a week or so. And then, don’t call her one day. If she meets you or texts you the next day asking why you didn’t call, she obviously missed you and wanted to speak with you!

Flirt with her and charmingly ask her if she missed you because you didn’t call. Use different ways to make her miss your company and constantly create scenarios where you force her to realize that she actually likes you and misses you when you aren’t around.

#6 Confession time. Confessions are the best way to open a girl up. Of course, she won’t start confessing about her sexual escapades to you just yet. You need to warm her up to it. During one of your late-night calls, tell her that you bumped into one of your exes who was a horny wild cat.

The girl you like will obviously be curious and would want to know more about your ex. Use this excuse to go into the details of your sex life. Be patient and start funny, and get more descriptive and add explicit horny details as the conversation goes on. If you play this game carefully, speak softly and make sure you describe the events like an erotic story, she can’t help but visualize you naked. And chances are, she’ll also be wet down there just listening to you!

#7 Talk sex. If you’ve pulled off your sexual confession without a hitch and she liked what you had to say, she’s definitely turned on now. Ask her about a horny experience from her past. She may hesitate at first, but pester her just a bit. If she’s horny, she definitely wouldn’t mind getting into details. And as she tells her stories, gasp and talk like you’re imagining the whole thing. It’d be a huge turn-on for both of you.

#8 Get her to talk dirty with you. You may wonder if all these steps are even possible, but you won’t believe how easy it is to get a girl talking dirty in a nighttime conversation until you’ve tried it. Trust me, it’s really easy, as long as you’ve warmed her up with your horny stories. Now that you’ve got her confessing all her dirty deeds to you, it’s time you get yourself into the picture.

Compliment her for being such a naughty girlfriend, and discreetly tell her how awesome it would have been if you were her boyfriend. Saying that will definitely spark a fire of lust because she’ll know exactly where you’re going with the conversation. Speak softly, don’t get overexcited, and don’t stop with the dirty questions.

#9 Have phone sex. If you’ve used the list of dirty questions while talking to her, chances are, both of you are already really horny. Now start creating imaginary situations to turn her on even more. Tell her something like “I wish I was there right now, there’s so much I would want to do…” And when she whispers back softly and asks you what you’d do, you’ve hit jackpot.

Describe what you’d do to her in detail, starting off from kissing her neck to taking her top off to whatever else you have in mind. Avoid talking about kissing her on the lips straight away though, it’s too personal and straightforward for a few girls. And before you know it, both of you would be talking dirty and having phone sex with each other!

#10 Ask her out. Well, so now you’ve made her want you and crave for you sexually. But what’s next? You just had phone sex with her. You’re on a high, but don’t end it right there. Ask her if she’d like to meet you, or go out on a date with you the next day. She’d be too horny to resist.

And when both of you meet up on a date, it’ll probably end with both of you having sex or falling in passionate love. Either way, you’ve got the girl of your dreams wanting you and craving for you sexually. Could you ask for anything more?

If you want to know how to make a girl want you and think of you sexually, use these 10 steps I’ve mentioned. If you play it calmly and safely, you could be in bed with the girl of your fantasies in a couple of weeks!

 

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1