5 Relationship Green Lights You Should Be Looking For

When you first start dating someone, you might be on the lookout for signs that this might not be a great fit. It makes sense — we’ve all been hurt before, and we want to cut our losses before getting too invested. But often we’re so busy focusing on these red flags and putting our emotional guard up that we fail to pay attention to the good signs to keep an eye out for — other than a shared interest in “Game of Thrones,” that is.

“When you focus on all the bad things, you lose sight of what you actually want,” says Lucy Rowett, a certified intimacy and relationship coach, and clinical sexologist.

That’s not to say that you should gloss over negative actions or traits, because if you do, you will likely end up brokenhearted or in a relationship that isn’t healthy for you. Still, there are also what I like to call green lights that we should look out for when finding and evaluating a potential partner. This is deeper than simply determining that “they’re nice” or “they’re great at picking restaurants.” It’s about emotional compatibility and the ways in which a person might be right for you, specifically.

“Reflect on what makes you feel special and cared for, both in your past relationships and friendships. Is it the way someone listens to you? The way they always know just what you need after a long day?” asks Pam Shaffer, MFT. “It’s also a good idea to tune into the ways that you show love to others, as that often provides good clues to how you like to be loved.” By answering these questions, you pinpoint exactly what you are looking for and become better equipped to choose a good partner. For many people, these five things signal it’s time to hit the gas.

1. They’re an open communicator.

If you’re going to spend a significant amount of time with someone, they need to be willing to tell you how they’re feeling and help you process your emotions, too.

“My ex was a closed book. I never knew what she was thinking,” says Mark, 28. “She’d get upset with me and ignore my texts for hours or days without ever telling me what I did or why it hurt her. It was a mess.”

Dating is hard enough without wondering what the heck is happening in someone’s head. A good indicator that someone is worth pursuing is that they can respectfully share their opinions or feelings about something and you, in turn, can offer the same back to them.

With poor or closed communicators, you often wind up feeling crappy and confused. “A good communicator will leave you walking away from an interaction feeling better about the situation or argument, not worse,” says Kristine D’Angelo, CSC. “This builds emotional intimacy, which is the backbone of all healthy and happy relationships.”

“Since [my relationship] ended, I’ve been really transparent with people I date about the need for communication. If you don’t want to talk about how you’re feeling with me, it’s a deal-breaker,” Mark says

2. They encourage your other relationships.

Friends and family are a huge part of your life, and anyone you’re dating should see that. “While you may be [in a love haze with] someone [new], it’s important to maintain your other relationships, too,” Rowett says. “One of the first signs of abuse is a partner trying to isolate you from your friends and family.”

If you tell your new boo that you’re going to have a night with the gang, they should be happy for you. It shows that they’re secure in your relationship and are invested in building trust with you. “My boyfriend is always jazzed about my girls’ nights,” says Gabby, 23. “He loves my friends and is happy that I have a support network.” Girl, he sounds like a winner.

3. They’re supportive of your career and goals.

“A big problem with my ex was that he was incredibly threatened by my career. He didn’t feel like he was making enough of himself, so he’d try to drag me down to make himself feel better,” says Katia, 29. “My new partner makes me feel amazing. They come to all of my work events and constantly tell me how incredible I am. It’s such a game-changer.”

Someone being generally supportive of you is a bright green light. They encourage your dreams, help you make plans for the future, and are genuinely happy for you when you succeed. “This is usually a sign of a secure partner [as opposed to] someone who is going to ‘compete’ with other people and things in your life,” Shaffer says. “It shows that you can be in a relationship with this person and keep thriving in other parts of your life, too.”

4. Your core beliefs are complementary.

When we say “core beliefs,” we mean the things you’re most passionate about, the guiding principles by which you live and believe in your bones. This can range from religious beliefs to a preference for monogamy (or non-monogamy) to a desire to have a long-term relationship (or a causal relationship) to whether or not you want children someday.

We often make concessions for people, hoping they’ll come around to our way of thinking. But, in most cases, this won’t happen. So when your core beliefs align with those of the person you’re dating, it’s a major positive.

“I was in an open relationship with my ex-boyfriend because he wanted to be open,” says Michael, 25. “I thought I’d lose him if I didn’t agree to it. It totally tore us apart. I’m a monogamous person, and I shouldn’t have been with someone who didn’t believe in monogamy. I guess I somehow hoped he’d get over it or something. Never happened.”

“[Having] core essential beliefs is really important, because without sharing key values, the relationship may be unsustainable,” says CORST-accredited psychosexual therapist Cate Mackenzie.

5. They learn your love language.

Most of us give love the way we want to receive it. It’s just a natural thing. If being touched and snuggled makes you feel loved, you’ll likely want to touch and snuggle someone to show your love. The problem is that the people we date don’t always welcome love in the same ways we do. This is why love languages are so important.

The top five love languages are gift-giving, quality time, physical touch, acts of service (devotion), and words of affirmation. (You can take the test to determine your love language here.) If someone either shares or is willing to learn your love language, it makes things simpler.

Perhaps more than anything else, you should feel good when you spend time with someone you’re dating. They should make you feel excited, happy, and positive about yourself. You don’t want to go into a relationship thinking that it might fall apart. We got 99 problems, but self-sabotage shouldn’t be one.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

The Most Unattractive Online Dating Mistakes Women Make To Cause Men To Swipe Left

Avoid these as much as possible.

Online dating and dating apps are all the rage these days. You no longer need to write long-winded paragraphs about yourself and your dream fantasy person.

Nowadays, if you want to go on a date, all you need to do is go to Bumble, Hinge, Tinder, and the countless other dating sites and just write a few sentences about yourself, do four or five photos, and off to swiping we go.

Brilliant.

You don’t have to read anything.

But — and here’s the big ‘but’ — those few sentences could also be enough to turn off the majority of men. I’ve seen it happen so many times.

What you say in those few sentences on a dating site can determine whether a man swipes right or swipes left. It can determine whether or not he wants to get together with you at all.

Women often make these 3 fatal mistakes in online dating — and they’re usually all in the same profile.

1. Saying you’re career-driven

As a man, I don’t need to know that. Do you know what the phrase “career-driven” triggers in a man?

He thinks, “She’s going to take charge of the relationship. She’s career-driven. She’s forgotten how to be feminine.”

Or, “She’s not a nurturing type of woman. She’s going to work late all the time and not really be feminine in a relationship.”

Career-driven — writing that alone triggers those kinds of thoughts in a man.

Most women desire a king. The king doesn’t care what you do, he cares about how you treat him.

Career-driven triggers the wrong things. How you formulated your career or how you make your money — men don’t need to know that. It doesn’t matter.

This is dating, not an interview. When women say career-driven, it shows me that you’re still in the interview process. You’re treating dates like interviews instead of romance.

2. Saying you don’t need a man

Usually, this comes after career-driven — “I don’t need a man in my life, but I would like one.”

Men like to feel needed and desired.

Nobody needs a man. And I don’t need a woman.

But, what I need and desire in a partner.

When someone says they don’t need a man, what that says is that you’re bitter. You’ve had bad relationships so you don’t need a man.

You had a dominating mother who castrated your father right in front of you and told you that men suck and you can’t rely on them.

So that one statement tells us that you’re not going to be feminine in a relationship. You don’t need us so you’re not going to fall for us. We’re not going to be able to romance you.

3. Saying, “My life is full of adventures. I live life to the fullest”

You’re telling us right then and there that you have no idea how to be vulnerable.

Living life to the fullest means that you have filled your life with other things besides romance and intimacy.

You have filled your life with toys and games and trips and everything else.

You’re telling us you really don’t need a man, you’re career-driven, and you live life to the fullest. It tells men — plain and simple — that you don’t get what being vulnerable and intimacy are all about.

Just three statements but they’re fatal.

They are so simple but women say them consistently.

Are you looking for love? Create a profile that attracts quality men that are desperate to date you by using language that triggers men in a positive way.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Want To Meet The One? These Are The Top Places To Look

Knowing how to get a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner, especially without the help of a dating app, might seem like an impossible task in the modern age. However, it’s not as difficult as you might imagine. According to a new study from Compare the Market, 45% of couples still meet either at a social gathering or through mutual friends, and only 7% meet on a dating app. Alas, there is hope!

So fear not, it’s definitely still possible to meet your dream boyfriend, girlfriend or partner, in real life. You just need to know where to find them. Sex and relationships expert for Lovehoney Annabelle Knight breaks down the best places to meet your next partner face-to-face.

Through your uniVERSITY or former school

Somebody you went to school, college or uni with can be a really compatible option for a long-term partner. If you’ve grown up together or come from the same area, then you’re likely to already have a tonne of things in common. Plus, Compare the Market found that 9% of people still meet their partner through education, so it’s definitely a good place to consider starting a relationship.

And even if you didn’t get together with your partner when you were actually at school, there’s still hope later in life. Plenty of us has some kind of missed connection from our uni, college, or school days, someone we wish we’d dated but never actually managed to make it work with. Keeping in touch with uni, college, or school groups and going to meet-ups and reunions can be a great way to get together with old friends, relive your youthful memories, and maybe even hook up with that person that you never got the chance to with at school.

Photo credit: Hinterhaus Productions - Getty Images
Photo credit: Hinterhaus Productions – Getty Images

Social media, obviously

Meeting a potential partner online doesn’t just have to happen through a dating app. There are plenty of ways to meet people through other forms of social media too, with 6% of people meeting their partner on socials, according to Compare the Market. Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter can be great places to reconnect with people from your past, but they can also be somewhere to meet cool new people. Friends of friends can be easy to start a conversation with, as you already have somebody in common. Meanwhile, if you see someone you fancy on Insta, take the leap and slide into their DMs (respectfully, of course). What have you got to lose?

Plus, you don’t need to spend time getting to know someone when you do meet up IRL, cos you can find out everything you need to know online beforehand. Put those deep dive ‘research skills to good use…

However, age is also a massive factor when it comes to social media, with 14% of 18 to 24-year-olds meeting on socials, compared to 7% of 25 to 34-year-olds.If you do decide to opt for a dating app or site to find love (or just fun), the top place people surveyed by Compare the Market found a partner was Plenty of Fish, followed by Tinder and Match.com.

Volunteer

Donating your time for a cause you’re passionate about will help you to meet someone with similar values, and that can create cute shared experiences. But, obviously, don’t volunteer somewhere for the sake of getting a date. You should only do it if you want to broaden your network of friends, help an organization that means something to you, and learn. But, it’s through that network that you might potentially meet a new partner.

Photo credit: Juj Winn - Getty Images
Photo credit: Juj Winn – Getty Images

Get out of the house

As simple and basic as it sounds, staying at home is not going to get you that many dates. If you do genuinely want to meet someone, be proactive with your friends and suggest new places to go – galleries, museums, gigs, bars, etc. Basically anywhere that’ll shake you out of your comfort zone and introduce you to new people. If you’re able, try and do something new every week or month which will bring you into contact with new people, whether that’s joining a club or meet up, or a class for whatever hobby you’re into.

Going out the old-fashioned way is still the most common way to meet a boyfriend, girlfriend, or partner. As found by Compare the Market, 27% of couples meet at a social gathering like a party, pub or night out. So, don’t be afraid to get out there and start a conversation with somebody new.

Make eye contact

This is like swiping photos in real life. But the difference is the person is right in front of you and able to make a direct connection. You instinctively know who you are attracted to, and there’s nothing wrong in making that clear through eye contact when you are out. Just obviously be respectful of other people’s boundaries, and don’t creep any out – that goes without saying.

Use your friends

In the nicest way possible, use your pals. After all, they know your great qualities, likes, and dislikes. And, crucially, they know better than anyone if someone is a good fit for you. Plus, you know that any potential dates they put you in touch with already have a bangin’ group of pals. Compare the Market’s study found that 18% of people meet a partner through mutual friends, so don’t be afraid to let your mates know you’re up for introductions to new people – you never know where it could lead. Make sure you return the favor and do the same for your single pals too.

Coworkers can also be a great route to finding love, as you likely already have the same interests and goals in life. Plus, the research found that 18% of people still meet their partner in the workplace. That person who caught your eye across the office? Don’t be afraid to start a conversation.

Photo credit: FG Trade - Getty Images
Photo credit: FG Trade – Getty Images
More

Work out

Only 2% of people meet a partner in the gym, according to Compare the Market, but it can be an easy place to start a natural conversation. Just ask them to help spot you or to move some equipment. Plus, if you go to regular classes you’re probably going to see some friendly faces you can chat to.

But the gym isn’t the only workout location perfect for meeting a partner. Try joining a club or a team for whatever kind of exercise you like: triathlons, yoga, hockey, football, etc. Meeting weekly to work out and going for a drink afterward will mean you meet a whole new set of people – and therefore their friends… it’s all about widening your network.

Accept invites

Yes, of course, it can be intimidating to go to events on your own, but it’s normally possible to get a plus one and bring a friend. If not, try and get out of your comfort zone if you can and go on your own. It’s daunting but gets easier with practice. Plus, the chances are your friends who invite you to these events will have cool and interesting mates you’ve never met before. You can always ask them to intro you if you’re feeling shy or awkward.

How to turn dating into a relationship

Sadly, actually going to the right places to find your potential partner is just half the battle when it comes to starting a relationship. Compare the Market found that 33% of relationships started with casual dating, while 32% actually started as platonic friends. Meanwhile, 20% of relationships began through a series of formal dates, with just 9% evolving out of a purely physical relationship. So, next time you start daydreaming about your friend with benefits or f**k buddy turning into an actual thing, think again as it’s not super likely to happen.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

The 6 Biggest Mistakes Women Make When Going on a First Date

And how you can avoid them!

First dates can be pretty scary. What should you wear? Where should the date be? What should you talk about?

Wardrobe woes and awkward silences aside, a first date can also quite literally be a scary experience. Especially in today’s modern dating world, it’s so important that a woman take the necessary measures to protect herself and be alert and aware of any possible dating red flags.

And this is even more crucial when it comes to online dating or meeting a man from a dating app like Tinder, which is a common way for snagging a date these days.

So what are some of the biggest mistakes women tend to make when going on a first date?

While a first date will, of course, never be perfect, here are some of the biggest mistakes that a woman can make, and some dating tips for avoiding them.

1. Leaving yourself defenseless

In this day and age, it’s safety above all else, ladies. This is especially true when you’re meeting a guy from a dating app or online.

We cannot stress this enough – you must always, always be prepared to protect yourself.

Taking a self-defense class is one great thing you can do so that you’re able to rely on and defend yourself in case a situation arises when you’re alone with your date. And besides the incredible safety factor, self-defense classes are also extremely empowering and can give you a great sense of strength.

An easier option is to carry something with you at all times that you can use to protect yourself, such as a personal alarm, like this one from SafeSound (get 50% off.) You won’t need any training to use it, it’ll fit in your purse, and best of all, it will give you peace of mind when you’re meeting up with that random dude from Tinder.

2. Not having anything to talk about

The whole reason you’re even going on a date is to find out more information about this person and decide if you’d like to see them again, right?

So if you’re going to go on a date and sit in silence the whole time, then you may as well have just stayed home and continued your Netflix binge.

Now, we’re not saying that you should sit down and divulge your entire life story, but you must come prepared with conversation topics or there’s really no use going at all.

And while it’s good to know the standard things, such as what he does for a living and what the name of his cat is, it’s also important to dig just a little bit deeper so that you can find out more about the kind of man he is.

3. Talking way too much

Have you ever been to a restaurant and overheard an awkward date? You know the one — the girl (or the guy) won’t stop rambling on, and the other person never gets in a word. They sit there twirling their straw, staring off into space, leaving you to wonder why they don’t just excuse themselves to the bathroom and never come back.

Trust us, you do not want to be this person – especially on a first date.

He doesn’t need to know everything about you, your childhood pet, and about your dear Aunt Judy on the first date. You’ve got to leave a little bit of mystery, you know!

Besides, it’s very important that he does the talking, too. That’s where those conversation topics come into play.

4. Forgetting to share your date details with friends or family

So, you met someone and you’ve arranged a date with them. Exciting, right?

However, this is where so many women make a huge mistake.

Before you even start celebrating, find your contacts. Now pick someone you absolutely trust and tell them where you’re going, when you’re going, and who you’re going on the date with.

It doesn’t matter if it’s your mom, your dad, your best friend, or better yet, all of them. It’s critical that you let someone know that you’re going to be on this date. This is especially true if the person you’re meeting is from the internet.

And hey, do you have friends who are active on the dating scene? Maybe you can be that trustworthy friend for them. Better yet, you can ask them to share their location with you via their phone, or buy them a personal alarm to keep in their purse.

5. Using a cell phone

We don’t know about you, but one of the most uncomfortable, depressing things is seeing two people who are out on a date and they’re both sitting there looking down at their phones.

These days, it’s hard for people to become disconnected from the online world. We feel like we need to be physically attached to our phones 24/7 as if our very lives depend on it.

You know how you’re always complaining to your friends about how you wish you could go back to the good old days and have an old-school type of romance? Well, guess what they didn’t have in those good old days? That’s right! A phone. Yes, you actually had to make eye contact and speak with another person.

Think about it like this: what if it was the other way around and the person you were on a date with took out his phone and started ignoring you? Would you consider going out with him again? We didn’t think so.

Put down the phone. Your followers can wait.

6. Not meeting in a public place

A first date should always, always be in a public place.

Don’t ever meet someone in a setting where you are alone with them.

Always pick somewhere that you know will be a place with a lot of people.

However, you should still always be prepared and look out for yourself by taking all of the other necessary safety precautions as mentioned, carrying something with you for protection, and informing your friends and family where you are.

Dating can cause a lot of mixed emotions. And it’s completely normal to feel all of these things at the prospect of a first date!

It’s important to have fun with dating, but it’s even more important to look out for yourself and protect yourself when venturing out into the modern dating world.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

15 Underrated Pickup Lines That’ll Definitely Impress

Pickup lines might not always be the best way to start a flirty conversation because they might not be everyone’s jam. But when used appropriately, there are plenty of underrated pickup lines that can serve as useful tools in the dating sphere. Whether you’re on your favorite dating app or you’re trying to make conversation with your crush, zero in on pickup lines that feel authentic to who you are.

According to Jeremy Nicholson, M.S.W., Ph.D., and social psychologist, studies show that pickup lines can successfully showcase your humor and communication style to a potential match. “Pickup lines serve as an advertisement, filter, and screening device,” wrote Nicholson on Psychology Today. “The type of line a [person] chooses says something about [their] personality and attributes. Similarly, whether [the other person] finds a particular type of line appealing says something about [their] personality and attributes as well.”

If any of these one-liners make you chuckle, chances are, a compatible match will also find them funny. Or, at the very least, they’ll be happy that you worked up the courage to say something.

1. “Can I ask your opinion on something?”

2. “I think I dropped my phone. Can you call it?”

3. “Are you French? Because ma-damn, you’re fine.”

4. “Hi, I’m [Name]. Someone said you were looking for me.”

5. “Besides being gorgeous, what do you do for a living?”

6. [Point to your friend] “‘Hey, see my friend down there? [He/She] wants to know if you think I’m cute.”

7. “You’re so beautiful you made me forget my pickup line.”

8. “Do you have any raisins? How about a date?”

9. “Hey, are you stairs? Because you take my breath away.”

10. “Good thing I brought my library card, cause I’m checking you out!”

Bar drinking cocktails young couple in love dating talking with drinks at restaurant at night. People at restaurant with alcoholic cocktail beverage.
Shutterstock

11. “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You are hot.”

12. “Do you know what my shirt is made of? [Boyfriend/Girlfriend] material.”

13. “Are you a parking ticket? ‘Cause, you’ve got ‘fine’ written all over you.”

14. “Can I follow you home? My parents always told me to follow my dreams.”

15. “Didn’t I see you on the cover of ‘Vogue’?”

Even though the stakes can feel impossibly high when approaching someone who’s caught your eye, it’s important to stay true to who you are. There are plenty of compatible matches out there who will appreciate getting a sneak peek into your personality, so don’t be afraid to make a move.

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