As bad as things are between me and Cherie. This week of Phicklephilly is chock filled with fun, frolic, and frivolity!
And as my mom would say… Wash your damn hands!
“I don’t know what to say at this point, so I don’t know what to say to you.”
This is the wrong response for Cherie. She has the opportunity to be mature and accept that we have chemistry. There is the distance factor. There is the extreme differences in our lives, ages, and lifestyles.
But we’re good together, but maybe the strain of her life and the stresses of being a parent and coupled with work and school, has become too much.
“I know we’re both busy and you’re under a lot of pressure right now. But just know that I love you and I’ll provide you all the time and space you need. I’m patient, Cherie. I love you.”
“I love you too, but I honestly just don’t know what to say anymore.”
I don’t understand this. How does an adult in a relationship have no words? This tells me something about my mate.
Then there’s this sudden reveal.
“If you can take off I’d like you to come to my graduation next Friday at 9:30.”
“What’s the date?”
“Where’s it being held?”
“And that’s at 9:30?”
And then it’s just radio silence from there.
Should I go see her graduate from Temple with her BS in Psychology?
It hasn’t been going well. The sex is always amazing, but what else do we have? She’s beautiful and sweet but we’re in two different places in our lives.
Should I be proud that a 28 year old woman loves me and rocked my world and my bed? I am that the old horse still had some great races left in him, but do I want this?
When I started writing phicklephilly, it began as a tome about the crazy women and dates in my life. Then it grew into settling the relationships in my past. Then I started telling stories about my life and it felt so good. By writing about everything I settled everything in my mind and expressed it in my art.
It was incredibly liberating in a way I never suspected. It brought me a clarity and peace I had never experienced in my life.
I’ve enjoyed my time with all of these people and there’s so many more stories to come. My life is rich in history and I’m glad I’m making new exciting memories everyday. I truly am blessed with a life that’s fun to wake up to every day.
Two years ago I started writing a dating blog. It was about how fickle I am and how I fall in love every day. But that’s not true. I fall in love with being alive every day. To no longer cling to the bars of anxiety, depression, low self esteem, bad relationships, child support, debt, and all of the rest of the horrors of adult life for some us.
I live a simple and elegant life now in middle age. I don’t want anything.
We come from a dark and embarrassing past in this country. My current girlfriend (for the moment) is black. All of her ancestors came here as slaves.
At least they knew they were slaves.
Today we don’t even see that we’re all slaves.
We can’t live without our cell phones without having a panic attack. We have 20 different products that were once separate items we had to buy at Radio Shack in our cell phones now.
Social media is obnoxious and self absorbed. It’s all nonsense. Why do you need to see what I ate for lunch today or where I am on vacation?
None of it brings you joy. I know for a fact that all of this technology had dumbed down all of us as a culture.
People still call the salon and can’t find it. They’re calling me from the greatest piece of personal affordable technology homo sapiens have ever possessed and they still can’t find the place.
I come from an analog world and I’m proud of my mind. I work hard and came from a place where you never got a pat on the back or a trophy for participating. You failed and you felt the consequences of that failure. That’s evolution.
Now everybody’s so buried in their phones, they can barely communicate with the people around them of navigate their own lives, (Don’t even get me started on spatial awareness)
But I digress…
Once I started writing phicklephilly, I knew I had to start dating again. I needed content.
If you go back to the early posts you’ll see me struggling on shitty dates with sad leftovers.
I didn’t know. I tried the dating game, but at my age met a bunch of women that I didn’t really feel a spark for.
I met Cherie and all of that changed.
But it was because I was trying again. Like I did with Michelle, Annabelle, and others.
I’ve learned something along the way, and I think I’ve finally arrived at the elegant answer.
So many men never evolve and are stuck in their development. I know a couple that I haven’t cut off and it’s pathetic. You really need to come to know yourself as a man as you grow older. If you don’t you’re a fucking asshole.
No, you really are and you’ve squandered your life and those around you because they hate you or secretly hate you.
Here’s my revelation.
I absolutely adore women. I’m great at charming and courting women. I’m great at dating. I’m a gentleman, and know how to treat a lady to make her feel special. I’m a good father. I know that based on how Lorelei has turned out and my relationship with her.
But I like to be alone. I enjoy your company but I need my alone time. I’m not good at being a boyfriend or being in a relationship. I can’t do it.
I can write a dating blog, and dole out relationship advice but I can’t be in a relationship.
I want to be alone.
I realized that this last relationship worked because Cherie was never around.
Even my close friends said it was the perfect relationship for me because of my personality.
Cherie is young, beautiful and often unavailable. Me too. It was perfect. The sex was mind bending, and then I take her to breakfast and she’s off the property.
I tried to be married and be in relationships but I just don’t like it. I like to be free. To come and go as I wish with no ties.
When I’m with you, you’re the only person on Earth and I’ll give you a show you won’t forget, but I need you to go after a few hours.
Sorry. That’s me.
Not sorry. That’s Chaz.
I’ve found in middle-age I want to work. I love to work. Not in a shitty job where I make high 5 figures and am beholden to some asshole that is only there to justify his shitty existence, just to simply work.
I get my energy from people.
Picasso was found dead at 92 working on a sculpture. I want that in my 70’s! (If I make it)
My social life is so rich. I have so many wonderful people in my life that I do my best to squeeze in around my work. (Thank you one and all that you still want to spend time with me)
I was always prepared for Cherie to leave me. I established that on our very first date. I vowed to never fall into the dopamine induced stupor I fell into with Annabelle (See: Annabelle – Guy walks into a bar)
I have a friend that’s a workaholic. He’s a millionaire at 50 but he has squandered real living for really living. He’s my best friend and I love him, but he’s on his own journey. (See: Duncan)
I just what my simple happy life here in Philly.
I don’t know what’s going to happen with Cherie, but it looks like it’s dead.
I’ll have to see if I’m going to attend her graduation.
I’ve never met her family and I’m sure they’ll all be there. (Meet the old white guy)
I think the saddest thing about all of this after 60 plus chapters, is that I feel nothing.
I think her indifference killed it in the end. How she was chilly to me during our last two encounters.
Normally I’m sad for a long time after the demise of a relationship, but not this time. Maybe because I went into it with my eyes open and my dopamine in check.
I never flew too close to sun, but loved I her just the same.
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