HIS & HERS – Bored In The Bedroom

This is the third installment of a new Dating and Relationships column I’m attempting to create here on Phicklephilly. My friend Jackie and I have been kicking around the idea of writing an advice column together. We actually came up with the idea a few years ago. We wanted something that gave advice from a man’s and a woman’s perspective. We’re going to try to publish this column at least once or twice a month for now. If it catches on, we’ll probably run every week.

Welcome to: HIS & HERS!

Here’s a little background on Jackie.

Jackie Rupp grew up as a very sheltered only child, having parents with mental illness and few friends, she’s always been fascinated by the human condition and all our unique quirks and idiosyncrasies. She often writes about wrestling with social anxiety, fumbling through relationships, and ways to improve outlook. As a marketing consultant and founder of CAT creative agency, she helps businesses develop better content and branding messages and is always taking on new clients. A proud mom of two, she’s also passionate about pancakes, kittens, and exploring new adventures in handmade crafting.  

https://www.linkedin.com/in/jackie-rupp-content-queen/

Okay, let’s get to the business at hand. Here’s our newest question.

Bored In The Bedroom

Question:

Help guys, I’m bored in the bedroom and want to add some new things to our repertoire but I don’t seem to have the guts to bring it up! I’m a straight female in a happy monogamous relationship. I’d just like to explore more but I don’t know what, how, what I’m comfortable with, or what my bf would be comfortable with. The thought of him not being into something I suggest scares the crap out of me. Are there any baby steps I could take to add the spice without the scares? 

Jackie: 

Thank you, wonderful human. You said what so many of us are feeling. Because sex doesn’t get talked about (honestly) between all but the best of friends generally (and even then sometimes we try not to listen to what we’re hearing) many times we’re left with unrealistic FOMO that everyone is having open, wild sex but us. Actually, a lot of us are just fumbling through. 

Even though you might be able to talk to your partner about that weird bump on your ear and point out their boogers without hesitation, sometimes sex can feel not as easy to discuss. And, I’ll add that the longer you’re together, the more difficult to change things up, because there’s this huge elephant in the room of “that’s not the way we’ve always done it.” Change is hard. But there’s no need to go it alone. You have a partner so you don’t have to. 

You can try to approach it like a team by just dropping a small conversation starter like, “I was wondering if we could talk about sex.” or “I’m curious to explore some sexual variety together.” Now, if those sentences sound too hard to blurt out, it always helps to preface something that you’re having trouble saying by being honest about it being a challenge to say. 

Trust me, if you say something like “This has been on my mind and I’m having a hard time figuring out how to say this to you…” it’s gonna be one hell of a relief when the topic you want to talk about is sex and not breaking up or revealing that you’re moving to New Zealand to join a LOTR-themed circus. 

And then there’s the old-stand-by option when something is too scary to say face-to-face, you could always send a text to it’s been on your mind that you’d like to get to know his fantasies better. Probably the best text he’ll get all month or probably all year for that matter. 

Keep in mind, this is a good thing, a fun thing, and something you’re doing to make your relationship better. So frame it as such so you can go into it not-so terrified.

Another option to consider is to buy one of those “adult” board games or fill out a Yes, No, Maybe quiz together that covers all types of sexual activities and fetishes so you can explore together. It’s an easy way to take the pressure off of yourself from carrying the conversation and let it happen on its own. 

One more suggestion is if you’re both comfortable with porn and watching it together to browse some sites together and see what strikes your fancy. What could be easier than clicking on a video!

Charles – Answer:  

In most long-term relationships, sex is not always spontaneous and effortless. The initial burst of excitement we experience during the honeymoon phase can fade, and couples have to prioritize sex just like any other part of their relationship.

The good news is that being intentional and communicative about your sexual relationship can bring back elements of surprise, experimentation, and variety.

When lulls in a couple’s sex life occur, it’s the responsibility of both partners to address it together; it’s best not to criticize or assign blame to your partner.

Be sure to first highlight the positives. You can say, “I love it when you do …” Then make a suggestion — not a complaint — about what you would like to see more of. Keep the conversation brief and the suggestions specific.

Consider aspects of your lives that could indirectly be affecting your sex life, such as work stress, conflicting schedules, medical issues, or child-rearing. It’s not just about “spicing things up,” but thinking through what could be getting in the way of a satisfying sexual relationship.

It’s extremely important to express genuine curiosity about what your partner would like in the bedroom. This approach invites collaborative conversation and communicates that you value your partner’s sexual needs and desires as much as your own.

The way you provide feedback is so important when you’re dealing with a sensitive topic and when you don’t want to hurt your spouse.

First, make sure you have good timing; I wouldn’t wait until you are in bed. Pick a more neutral time and place.

I would recommend starting on a positive note. You can describe some things you like about your lovemaking, and then you can add some ideas to spice it up more.

Ask your partner if he or she has any ideas too. Approach the topic as a fun “project” you can both embark on together.

Jackie Comment: 

I love the idea of a neutral place! Sometimes if you wait until sex is happening or getting started, you can be so distracted trying to bring up this new concept or initiate something new that it takes you out of the moment. 

Was this helpful? Let us know in the comments section!

Do you have a dating and relationship question you’d like answered?
Send it to me in the Contact section of this blog, and Jackie and I will answer it in a future post!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Joyce – 2016 – Delaware Despair

Another tale of one man’s journey navigating his way through the dating scene in Philadelphia.

Still another grinding Tinder date. Gotta keep trying. I swiped right on Joyce, and she did as well. She is 51, with blonde hair and brown eyes. Not a bad-looking lady. She lives in Delaware as you may have guessed. She had only three photos on her profile. Head shots only and no description. In two of the photos she is doing a three-quarter face and looking at the camera with a sideward glance. The third photo is black and white and she is wearing dark sunglasses and looking away from the camera.

Being in sales most of my life, I am pretty good at reading facial expressions and body language. Normally, they say more than any words can express. A sideward glance shows mistrust. A woman who doesn’t do a body pic on her profile, may have some body issues. If you don’t write anything about yourself on your profile, you are either super hot and don’t have to, or you don’t have anything to say.

Let’s see how this plays out.

We chat on Tinder first. She liked what I wrote in my profile about if you don’t look like your pics you have to buy me drinks until you do. So that was good. She said she had only been on Tinder for two weeks. After two weeks she had low expectations. She said that if she actually got to the meeting stage, that would be a score. If there was something more after that, it would be an even bigger score. What she wasn’t looking for was, hookups, or weeks of endless texting with no meet up on the agenda. So that’s another positive in her favor.

I asked her is she ever came to Philly, and she says she comes all the time. I like that. But then she said Baltimore was the “New Philly.”

Strike one.

I tell her I work in business development, and am going to be opening a business in 2017 in personal fitness and tanning. I ask her what she does for a living. She says she has been a dental hygienist her whole life, but no longer practices. (Sounds grindingly horrible) It has taken a toll on her neck and back. But she has had the good fortune to manage the office. She likes problem solving and it keeps her very busy. For fun she loves to travel. Loves the beach, too. (That always worries me. Usually they are boring types that just blow their money on trips to keep their lives interesting because they themselves are not.) She also says she needs to go dancing weekly. (Again. No talking, just moving around. Troubling. No man wants to go dancing ever.) She also likes to take risks. When friends want to do something that no one else will do they call her knowing she’ll be down for it. (They call their good friends first, and settle on you because they know you’re always available because you have no life.)  I’m going to go ahead and call this:

Strike Two.

After some schedule wrangling, we exchange numbers and decide to meet up. It was a Sunday after I was finished at the salon. I liked that she drove all the way up from Delaware to meet me. I’ll give her points for that. Oh, I told her about my writing and she wanted to read it, so I sent it to her. She did read it, and liked it. More points. (It was a screenplay I wrote a century ago.)

We meet at Square 1682. It’s sort of my go to spot in Rittenhouse. I’ve had some great experiences there and dig the staff for the most part. She gets there on time. Points. We sit at the end of the bar. She is reluctant to drink. I respect that. She has to drive. But one drink? We’re going to be here for longer than an hour. But no worries.

I am talking to her and being my usual effervescent self. I’ve run this program countless times and most women find me very engaging. Most people are boring and I bring a rich history of humor and knowledge to the table. But as the time goes by I realize I’m doing all of the talking. She actually asks me if I have ADD. I guess someone with a personality and energy is alien to her. I give her plenty of opportunities to talk but that’s when the conversation falls flat. It literally goes awkwardly quiet. That never happens with me. She’s doing that sideward glance judgemental look to me. Then she wants food. Shit. She’s boring and now I gotta feed this one.

I spring for some calamari for her and I get the octopus. She asks me what my day job is. I don’t like this. I’m the VP of business development for an institute. I told her all of this. I can see why she’s alone. She’s a drag and brings nothing to the table. I am really good at striking up conversations with complete strangers. I can talk to literally anyone. But, I don’t remember much about our date or about her, because she had so little in the way of conversational skills. I don’t even remember is she’s even been married or has any kids. Normally I write notes in my phone after these date so I can write about them, but I just looked, and I have nothing!

Strike Three! You’re out Joyce.

Here’s an interesting tidbit though. Near the end of our date, I look past her and who do I see sitting one seat down from Joyce?

June! (June – 10/2016 – Runs With Scissors)

My first date with June was on a Sunday at Square 1682 two and a half months ago! She’s alone chatting with the bartender, my buddy Tusk. She says hello to me, and wave back. I almost called her by her blog name. It was awkward. She doesn’t hang out at this bar. She’s lonely and is hoping to run into me, or just to talk to hot Tusk. (He is hot, in a rock and roll way. I’ll write about him soon) Now when I get rid of Joyce, I can’t even come back here and review this mess with Tusk. Tusk later texted me, and said that June said that she was cuter than the girl I was with. Okay, for the record, June. 1. You’re not. 2. You both equally suck in different ways.

I sadly have to pay the bill. (She did drive up from Delaware) I walk her to the parking garage, and it ends in not even a kiss on the cheek, (not that I even give a shit at this point) but with the perfunctory hug. Ugh! I ask her to please text me when she safety gets home.

I just make the walk home, because there is nothing left to do.

She texts me later to say that she arrived home safely. She thanks me for “an evening of drinks, snacks, and witty repartee.” (Those are the exact words I wrote in my calendar invite to her about this date) Has she not a single original thought in her head?

I’m never contacting her again. I have better things to do. I should have entitled this chapter, “Delaware Dud.”

Lately this senario has become classic phicklephilly. *sigh*

 

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