13 Signs You Should Take Your Ex-Boyfriend Back

Here’s one from one of my female readers…

Sure, our own Erin and conventional wisdom say that in life you only get one chance. But in love, there are no rules. However, there is good advice, not to mention learning from your mistakes. That’s why I’m going to share with you the biggest relationship mistake I ever made.

I used to have a “never take an ex back” policy. It stopped me from making plenty of mistakes, like bad ex sex, dropping cash I didn’t have on a bikini wax, and becoming the victim of sheer drunken douchebaggery. Some guys you just get over and there’s no need for a do-over. But I’ve only ever loved one man and after we broke up, he tried to make it work again for months. I, on the other hand, was still in love with him too, but refused to break my own childish rule— no take-backs. Why didn’t I give us one more shot? At the very least, I wasn’t done letting him hurt me. At the very most, well, now he’s married to someone else.

Now I’m left with “what if?” questions. What if I’ll never love any other man as much? What if I never have sex as good again? What if he was THE ONE? And my personal favorite: What if I’m going to die alone now? Even more excruciating and existential is the other side of the coin: Am I inflating who he is and what we had? Has he been martyred because he was the one that got away? Not giving yourself another chance is like opening a Pandora’s Box of second-guessing yourself. OK, so I kept my pride, but so what? It didn’t get me what I wanted—him. And all I had to lose was a little bit more time spent trying to figure things out between us. Unfortunately, now I’m stuck with a lifetime of wondering “what if?”

OK, so maybe even if my ex and I had gotten back together, it probs wouldn’t have worked out. In that case, I’d have ruined the delicious fantasy of him for good. Sad, sure, but maybe that’s just what I needed to move on. And hey, makeup sex can be worth the hassle of a do-over.

I’m here to help you not make the same mistake I did. While you don’t owe every dude you’ve done a second chance, there are those select few who you just have to give it to. However, before you go re-welcoming them with open arms, you have to think about what exactly you’re going to also have to embrace about him. Is he worth a second or a third time around? Here’s how you can see if he’s worth giving another shot:

1. Day McDreamy: If you think about the dude everyday, or even a couple times a week, you’re sooooo not done with him.

2. BF & BFF: Your pals still want to be his friend. If they’re still rooting for him, maybe you should be too.

3. Black And Blue: He didn’t ever hurt you physically. In fact, he was quite gentlemanly.

4. Time Is On Your Side: You feel like you’ve got nothing to lose except maybe a couple hours for a date. Whatever happens, happens.

5. Not Co-Dependent: Beware, if he’s vengeful or even slightly manipulative, he might just be waiting to get the upper hand again.

6. Going The Distance: What’s he doing to get you back? Was it a random drunk text or did he talk to you face-to-face or phone-to-phone? Heck, he’s gotta give you at least an email you can tell he spent time on. Guys get bonus points for creativity here, i.e., love letters, getting the DJ to play your fave song, or other heart-melting rom-com-esque smooth moves.

7. Change Is Possible: It’s been a long time, so he may have actually grown up.

8. Back And Forth: If either one of you is not willing to discuss the past openly, there’s no future. Do you think you can articulate what your old problems were to him or are you afraid to go there?

9. Needy Not Greedy: Ideally, he’s single. But most importantly, he’s not trying to stick it in you while he’s still dating someone else. He has genuine feelings; he’s not just feeling up on you.

10. If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It: Can you be realistic about your expectations? Are you OK with crashing and burning, or will it send you back to relationship rehab?

11. Not So Sexy Times: If the sex was never good, forget it. Either you have it or you don’t; you can’t learn chemistry.

12. Please Forgive Me: Do you still hold a grudge? Do you want him to pay for what he did to you last time? You can’t run your love life like it’s a toll booth. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive him, you can’t date him again.

13. Tie The Not: Could you see yourself marrying him or being with him forever? If not, why bother? If you’re just looking for a good lay, he’s not your stunt penis that can just slip in for the action scenes. You can’t have meaningless sex with an ex—there are feelings there. So, go find a new boy toy.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

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Here’s what happens when you suddenly become single again after a long relationship

All the unfamiliar feelings of singleness you’ll be dazed by.

When an old relationship comes to an unfortunate end, it will require more mental strength and will take a longer time to adjust to the loss and all the differences that come with it.

If you spend enough time being in a relationship, you’ll forget how it feels to be single, notwithstanding the fact that you were actually single for such a long time before getting into that present relationship itself.

That’s probably why when so much time and emotions and several other things have been invested into a relationship, one tries to do all that’s within one’s capabilities and even beyond to just to ensure that nothing goes wrong with the relationship.

One attempts to pull all the stops, try to say all that needs to be heard as well as do everything needs to be done, all in a bid to ensure that the emotional investment, time devoted, moments shared, and memories created don’t go to waste.

But if all the positive energy being poured into the relationship is one-sided, it won’t be long before all the efforts at patching things up become insufficient. It’s like trying to make one horse pull a cart designed and built to be pulled by two.

Despite the time and effort already spent on them, you need to realize that once a partner becomes irreversibly bad for you and the whole relationship has become unbearably toxic, leaving is your best bet. If dumping that man or woman will restore your inner peace, then it is a no-brainer that you need to drop them in protection of your space and your energy.

Having said that, we should state that the process of leaving a relationship does not end when you utter the words and deal with the emotions that rise in that moment right there and then. It usually spills over into the future.

Especially for people whose relationships ended after a considerable amount of time, becoming used to that single life could be really trying and tough. That’s because being in a relationship restructures your life, whether consciously or unconsciously, in such a way that won’t be a problem until you leave the relationship and find yourself single again.

You’ll realise that between the time the relationship began and the duration it lasted for, yours and your ex-partner’s lives had become interconnected so deeply that being yanked suddenly off them, and having to live ‘on your own’ is such untold pain and distress, like suddenly having to walk with one leg after living all your life using both.

There’ll be an inevitable emptiness created instantly in you, there’ll be extra time in your schedule that no activity will satisfactorily fill, the way you go about your days will be altered, and some things that had become routine as a result of being in a relationship will cease.

This emptiness and required period of aching adjustment will happen, whether you initiated the breakup or the other person did.

One other thing you realize after leaving a long relationship to embrace the single life is how disinterested you’ll be in relationships, and how scared you’ll be to even try again for the risk of getting it wrong one more time. When you eventually do dip your toes into the pool of dating, you’ll find yourself inevitably comparing them with your ex. And you can’t blame yourself because you’ll only be doing so out of habit since you were going on dates with no other person than your ex for such a long time.

Overall, when an old relationship ends, it will require all your mental strength and it’ll take a longer time to adjust to the loss and all the differences that come with it but that’s exactly what needs to be done if one is to truly put the past in the past and move on to better things.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

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20 Questions to Ask Your Ex after a Breakup to Heal & Find Closure

Ending a relationship is never easy, but it can be a lot easier to move forward if you have the perfect questions to ask your ex after a breakup.

You’ve had your breakup. The tears have been shed and the sweatshirts have been returned. But, there is still a lot of confusion, which is why these questions to ask your ex after a breakup matter.

A breakup rarely ends everything. It may end the technical parts of your relationship, but it likely left a lot of feelings and probably quite a few questions.

We don’t always get the chance to talk to an ex and get all our questions answered, so if you do, be smart about it. I know you have a lot of unresolved feelings, but there are some questions to ask your ex after a breakup that will help you move on.

Are you seeing your ex after a breakup?

When you are talking to your ex after a breakup, it is really the most beneficial if you do it in person. If you start texting your ex it can get out of hand. You can start saying things you might regret. When you are talking virtually you have an invisible wall protecting you from embarrassment or regret.

When you text your ex, things can turn around and take you back into a potentially dysfunctional relationship. Texting to ask questions to get clarity is just like going to their house to seek closure.

Seeing your ex privately, especially while feelings are still fresh, will lead to more harm than good.

Try to meet your ex somewhere in public to ask questions and get closure. You can go to lunch, meet at the mall, or anywhere that you will be able to keep things calm and cordial without lashing out or rekindling unresolved emotions. 

Questions to ask your ex after a breakup

If you have found a neutral place to meet your ex and are hoping to get closure by asking them questions, you’re in luck.

It may sound impossible, but it isn’t. Now, closure doesn’t mean you will come away with these answers feeling unfazed by the end of your relationship, but the end will feel more meaningful and like there is a reason.

This is what you want from these questions to ask your ex after a breakup. You don’t want to dwell on the past or what could have been. You want to learn from this relationship and move forward with knowledge and clarity.

With that, there are some questions to ask your ex after a breakup that will help you heal and move on.

Be prepared for some unexpected answers, and some that might upset you at first. But, all in all, the truth is what gives you closure.

#1 Can you give me the full truth? Starting here sets things off on the right foot. As your ex, they may think lying will protect you from hurting more or protect them from accountability. They may not want to see you cry or get upset.

Let them know no matter how you react now that you want the whole truth in order to move on and will offer the same to them. 

#2 When were we done in your mind? This can give you a lot of insight. Something a lot of us do when a relationship ends is wonder how long our ex wanted to end things. We think the breakup was a shock. But, if we can know when things took a turn, we can be more aware in the future.

#3 How did you know this wasn’t going to work? This will let you know why they gave up. You may still be wondering why you didn’t make it work or try harder. The answer to this question will give you closure.

It will let you know what straw broke the camel’s back, so you don’t have to wonder what if.

#4 What do you think went wrong? This may seem similar to the last question but is a bit broader. The answer to this won’t necessarily be about the end of your relationship but the beginning of the end.

#5 Were you ever unfaithful? This is not something everyone will want the answer to and yes it will hurt at first, but in the long run, you will be more confident in the end of this relationship once you know.

#6 Do you think I was unfaithful? This will clear things up for your ex and you. If you want to ensure they know you were faithful or that you weren’t so they can move on too, this is the time to talk. 

#7 Do you think we both contributed to this ending? I would say in most relationships both partners almost always have a hand to play in the end, but that isn’t always the case. Talk to your ex about this. Do they think they fully ended things on their own or that it was your fault?

#8 What do you think are my best qualities? This can be cathartic to hear from someone that is hurting due to the end of your relationship. It isn’t about what they think of you, but what you can take away from this.

Knowing that they still see good in you no matter the ending shows that you are both mature and that things didn’t get too out of hand before ending.

#9 Do you think we are different people than we were when we first met? Knowing if you changed since the beginning of your relationship can give you a lot of clarity. You may think you are the same person but your ex could point out the ways you’ve changed. And that isn’t a bad thing.

Sometimes we grow and our partners don’t. Sometimes we grow in different directions. And sometimes we grow and the relationship doesn’t. Knowing these things helps you take away more from this relationship.

#10 How would you describe our breakup to friends? This is not your business in every situation, but if you share friends it is best you two are on the same page so that there is no unneeded drama.

#11 Do you think we should distance ourselves for a while? I always think cutting off communication with an ex for a while is the best move. You can adjust to not having them in your life. But, see what they think. Do you need to interact because of work or other circumstances? 

#12 Did you ever trash talk me to your friends? This is another thing that can be hard to hear, but when asking your ex questions after a breakup this helps you be in control. Feeling like a fool after a breakup is one of the worst feelings, so knowing as much as you can now will help prevent that.

#13 Do you wish we never met? A mature person will look at a failed relationship as a way to grow and improve. If your ex wished they could wipe out your entire history together, they are not mature and this realization will help you move forward. 

#14 What do you think you brought to our relationship? This is the time for you to get clarity and closure, but can also be a time to learn more about your ex and for them to learn something too. Seeing what they think they did right in the relationship can be very eye-opening.

This can take away a lot of bitterness you may have built up and help you both regain confidence.

#15 Will you be okay with me moving on? Will seeing you with someone new hurt them? Will they be happy to see you happy? This lets you know what stage of the breakup they are in. If you know you’ll be seeing someone and posting photos online, you can mute or unfriend each other for a while until you are both past it.

#16 Are you happy? Knowing your ex’s state of mind is important for both of you to move forward after this conversation. Are they doing okay? Are they struggling? It is not your priority to keep them happy, but it is helpful to know where their mind is for your own sanity.

#17 Are you seeing anyone? You do not want to be surprised when your ex brings their new partner to a mutual friend’s party or posts pictures with them online. Asking them this prepares you for seeing that. You can even ask them to let you know if they do start seeing someone just so you aren’t taken off guard.

#18 How are we going to handle our mutual friends? This is something a lot of ex’s don’t talk about, but if you have mutual friends it can help. Maybe you just want to go back to how things were before you dated. But can you? Maybe you’ll switch off events with them until the tides have calmed?

#19 Moving forward do you want to keep in touch? I wish I had asked this question to all of my exes. It prepares you for that random text or for radio silence. Do you want to try to be friends down the road or are you going to go your separate ways?

Answering this now and getting on the same page prevents hiccups from spreading out the time it takes to move on. 

#20 Is there anything you want to ask me? This conversation is meant to offer clarity and closure to you post-breakup, but your ex deserves that too. Give them the same honest responses to their questions that you expect from them.

Try not to ask your ex if they miss you, if you could have done something different, or if they regret anything. These questions and others like these only pull you back into the relationship that is over.

These are questions to ask your ex after a breakup to move forward not back. So, keep that in mind and good luck.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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When Someone Isn’t Over Their Ex, They’ll Probably Show These 5 Behaviors

I used to know someone who couldn’t let go… he’s probably still stuck.

Imagine this all-too-real scenario for a minute: You’ve been dating someone for a few weeks and everything’s going well. You really like them and think this could lead to a great relationship. The downside? They bring up their ex’s name way too often, or you catch them creeping on their social media. It’s uncomfortable, and you aren’t sure what to do about it. When someone isn’t over their ex, you’ll probably be able to pick up on certain behaviors that’ll feel like dead giveaways. Knowing what to look out for might be able to help you decide whether or not this is a topic you want to bring up.

First of all, does it really matter if your partner isn’t over their ex before they start dating you? Sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr tells Elite Daily that it does. “From the wondering, dreaming, thinking about ‘what ifs’ or ‘what should have beens’ with an ex, still being connected with them takes emotional energy — and that is energy that cannot go to a current partner.”

She also points out the importance of emotional availability, saying, “if you want to be involved fully with this person, it’s important that they are available to be emotionally involved and in love with you. Still being involved or hung up with an ex creates a dynamic where there is a ‘third,’ which can be defined as anyone or anything that intrudes on the couple, or makes it difficult to connect deeply and get to know each other.”

If you notice any of the following signs in your bae’s behavior, it might be because they’re still healing from their last breakup and probably aren’t ready to move on.

1. It’s clear they can’t let things go.

Unhappy young couple of friends, teenagers, students at city street, relationship difficulties concept

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If someone isn’t over their ex, then they might still be pretty upset about the way things ended. “They still complain about their ex and what they did or didn’t do, and that carries charge: bitterness, resentment, anger or sadness,” Fehr explains. “They are stuck wishing that things were different and they can’t let it go.”

When the person you’re seeing can’t make like Elsa and just let it go, they probably aren’t over their ex, which means it might be time to have a conversation.

2. They’re still very good friends with a recent ex.

Everyone has a different opinion about whether or not staying friends with an ex is a good idea. To each their own, but according to Fehr, someone who maintains regular contact with an ex might be doing so because they’re not ready to fully part ways. “They still stay in touch with the ex, in person or via social media, and discuss what they’re doing in and with their lives,” she says. “They are a presence in their mind and thoughts.”

That’s not to say that someone who’s still friends with an ex will never be able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve. That’s very much not the case. You can absolutely still be friends with an ex and be emotionally available to have a relationship with someone else. Nevertheless, you will know when that relationship is a little too close for comfort, especially if the breakup is still very fresh and the exes are regularly communicating and meeting up without you.

3. They constantly check their ex’s social media accounts.

If your eyes have ever wandered onto your bae’s phone screen, only to find that they’re scrolling through their ex’s Insta, they might still be hung up, behavioral scientist and clinician Clarissa Silva, tells Elite Daily. In fact, stalking an ex on social media at any point isn’t particularly healthy. “This only stagnates their growth because it occupies their brain with thoughts about their exes’ activities and whereabouts.”

4. Their memories haunt them.

Shot of sad young woman thinking about her problems while sitting next to the river in the city.

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This one might be hard to pick up on if you’ve only recently started dating this person, but if they’re not over their ex, they might become distracted by thoughts of them. “Especially if someone recently ended a relationship, the person might be constantly reminded of good times together — or bad,” Fehr says. “It might feel like everything is a trigger to some memory. They might bring it up or you might feel them drifting away and getting lost in the memory.” Sometimes you only have your intuition to go on, but if you notice that they’re becoming more distant, they could be thinking about their ex.

5. They regularly bring their ex up in casual conversations.

Last, but certainly not least, someone who doesn’t stop talking about their ex probably isn’t over them. “Their number one topic is their ex,” Silva explains. “When someone is struggling to get over an ex, they often reminisce about the relationship.” But, there is a difference between reminiscing fondly and reminiscing obsessively to the point where everyone needs to know every detail about their former relationship. That is never fun to sit through.

Host of the breakup BOOST podcast, Trina Leckie agrees, telling Elite Daily that someone isn’t over their ex “if they talk about their ex often, bring up their ex in conversation, or get emotional about their ex.” Additionally, if they compare you to their ex — whether it be bedroom tactics, hobbies, or life details (i.e: “Oh! My ex went to that college too,” or “My ex used to love it when I did [insert sexual act] to them.”) — they probably aren’t over it, Leckie adds.

If you’ve come to the conclusion that person you’re dating isn’t over the ex, Leckie recommends taking a step back, and “let them know that you aren’t interested in dating someone who hasn’t moved on from their past relationship. Wish them well and look to meet others who are in the right headspace and looking for the same things you are.”

You don’t necessarily have to break things off with someone if they aren’t over their ex, but it’s important to at least talk about it. “Remind them that when they do [bring up their ex], they are only extracting the moments of the relationship they want to remember that where about companionship,” Silva advises. “This is also not allowing them to form a relationship with anyone new.”

It’s not easy to get over an ex, but if someone hasn’t moved on from their previous relationship, and wants to start something new with you, it might be a good idea to talk things out first. After all, you deserve to be with someone who is as invested in you as you are in them, and that can’t happen if they’re still thinking about their ex all the time.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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How To Break Up With Someone You’re Still In Love With, Because Sometimes, It Just Doesn’t Work

One from a female reader…

My last breakup was with someone whom I still cared about, and it sucked. I loved my boyfriend very much, but the relationship started to feel stagnant, and it was time to move on. We were moving forward, but not as a couple. We were growing in separate directions that had caused us to feel more like friends than lovers. It’s hard to know how to break up with someone when you still love and care about them very much. The moment never exactly feels right, because you don’t want to hurt someone you care about, and you don’t want to stop hanging out with each other either.

When my ex and I broke up, he came over, and we had a long discussion about how we weren’t compatible for one another at this point in our lives. He was struggling in his career and felt the need to concentrate on it in order to feel happy and stable in his life and, thus, couldn’t give his full attention to me. I cared about his happiness and couldn’t continue to feel neglected in a relationship. We broke up, cried a little, watched a movie, and then, he slept over (bad decision). Yes, we hooked up. Then, the next morning, I left for work, and I never saw him again.

Winter depressed sad girl lonely by home window looking at cold weather upset unhappy. Bad feelings stress, anxiety, grief, emotions. Asian woman portrait.

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When I got home that night, he had left love notes all over my apartment, telling me he would miss me and how much he cared about me. He also stuck a note on the fridge saying, “Remember when you cooked that horrible dinner,” and one on the toilet that said, “Remember how embarrassed you were when you clogged this on our third date,” which made me smile… but also miss him. It’s easy to break up with someone you hate or to move on from a relationship that’s broken. That’s why they’re called breakups after all, right? But breaking up with someone you still care about is hard. You don’t want to do it, even though it’s the right decision.

Phicklephilly spoke to two experts about how to break up with someone you’re still in love with, even when it hurts. Because you deserve to have it be as painless as possible.

1. Do It In Person

So many of my relationships have ended over text or on the phone, and I think that’s why it took so long to get over them. The book felt unfinished. I never got closure, and things felt unresolved with those partners. I wanted to ask my exes questions or see their expression when things were ending, but all I was left with was the crying emoji instead. Every time I’ve ever broken up with someone over the phone, text, or email, the subsequent months are filled with plans to finally meet up in person and discuss what happened. But if you do it in person the very first time, you can have a clean break from the very beginning.

“The most important thing you can do for them to show compassion is to explain why,” Dr. Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, previously told Elite Daily. “If you can answer the question for yourself then you should offer that to them.” If you and your partner are still in love but it’s time for your relationship to end for other reasons, then you at least want to give your significant other the respect of breaking up in person. It will help to give both of you closure and allow for an honest and thorough conversation that can help both of you move on.

2. Be Strong (And Also Don’t Hook Up)

If you’re still in love with the person you’re breaking up with, then you might be unsure about your actions. Should we really end things, or can we work this out? Maybe we’re just having a bad day, week, or month. Can we get over this? Is moving on a mistake? But if you’ve thought about this thoroughly and you’re sure the relationship is not right for you, then be strong and resolute in your decision, and don’t get swayed into staying together.

“Ask yourself this: ‘Why do I not want this and what would make things different?'” Dr. Klapow said. “Ask yourself: ‘Have I had the conversations clearly and specifically about what is not working and what is working?’ If you love the person, then you need to be very sure that you are very clear about why you don’t think it is going to work.” Be firm that things are ending, and, no matter how tempted you are, do not have breakup sex. It’ll only end up leading both of you on and keep you wondering if you’re making the right decision. Overall, it’s just bad news.

3. Set Boundaries

After a breakup, it’s important to set boundaries and clarify breakup behaviors. It’ll make the transition to friends (or strangers) easier, and boundaries can help you from getting hurt even more after a breakup. I remember after I broke up with one of my exes, I was really hurt when I found out he had hooked up with someone else. The reason I felt hurt was because he and I were still talking every day, and it felt like we were still very much together, even though we weren’t.

“There is not an easy way to break up with someone you love,” Dr. Klapow said. “Recognize that there is a decent chance you are going to hurt feelings.” Establishing boundaries between you and your ex can save you a lot of heartache and help to clarify the role you play in each other’s lives. Are you going to stay friends on social media? Are you still going to talk, and if so, how often? Are you going to see one another in real life? What’s the rule about hooking up with each other? Are there certain things you don’t want to talk about with one another?

Sad disappointed european man can not forgive his african girlfriend infidelity, the girl is sitting next to man having apologetic guilty look, trying to make peace with man. Relationships problems

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4. Take Time Apart

If you’re still in love with your significant other, that’s not going to end right when you break up with them. You’re still going to miss them. You’ll want to call, text, and talk with the same frequency as you always do. You’ll still want to hang out. In my last relationship, after we broke up, I remember how badly I missed my boyfriend on the couch every night, sitting next to me, watching our favorite shows. I knew we weren’t right together, but couldn’t we still hang?

The answer is no, not so soon. Right after a breakup, you need to take some much-needed space to heal and actually get over one another. You can’t go from lovers to friends immediately just because you’ve said the words “we’re done.”

“It’s useful to initiate the breakup conversation at a time when you all have space during/afterward to respond to your subsequent feelings and reactions,” James Guay, a therapist who specializes in high-conflict couples, previously told Elite Daily. “In other words, don’t start the conversation right before you each have to go to work or to an important event.”

You need time to actually get over one another, or you might just end up back together again — or back in bed at least. And if you prolong the breakup, you’re only prolonging the time it takes for you to finally start moving on and feeling better.

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you’re doing it with someone you still care about. But if it’s the right decision for you, then you have to make it. Be firm and direct, and make sure you establish proper boundaries after you’ve decided to part ways.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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5 Ways To Get Over Your Ex (Even When It Feels Impossible)

This is solid advice…

From someone who learned the hard way.

Having trouble learning how to get over a breakup and move on from your ex? Do you miss the way they looked at you? The way they smelled? The way their hand felt in yours? Do you think you see them walking down the street when really it’s a stranger? Do you still hear certain music that reminds you of them?

When someone takes up so much of your life, it’s impossible to get over them in a day or two. And while doing things like reading, walking, working out, journaling, and hanging out with friends can certainly be positive distractions, if you really want to deal with the root cause of the emotional pain you still feel, you’ll have to do things a little bit differently.

I have a secret to confess: I went through a breakup that took me several years to get over. She was intelligent, challenging, loving, kind, and beautiful. We dated for just over a year and the mark she left on my heart was undeniable.

I had imagined our futures together. Repeatedly. I pictured her smiling face looking up at me at our wedding. We had discussed what we would name our children. I fell in love with her, hard. And one day it was all over.

It took several painful years to get over her. Years of hiding myself emotionally and engaging in surface level relationships.

I could have done it a lot sooner if I knew how to properly address what was really going on in my unconscious mind, and I want to help you get through things much faster, by laying out that process in this article.

Emotions are one of the most addictive things available to you. When you are in love with someone, your brain is hit with massive surges of dopamine (brain scans have shown that our minds follow very similar patterns when influenced by cocaine or nicotine).

When you no longer have access to your intimate partner (post-breakup), your brain doesn’t fall out of love with them, it simply continues to be in love with them, but you no longer have access to them. And like a crying baby who doesn’t have access to his mother that it so yearns for, our minds’ “rejector stimulus” is on overdrive.

We simultaneously feel the pain of abandonment, the deep craving for a “fix” of our drug (aka partner) of choice, and our once-regular hits of dopamine and oxytocin are nowhere to be found. In fact, immediately after a breakup, your happy chemicals are replaced with a flood of cortisol (stress hormone) and adrenaline. It’s almost as if your body is saying “Here’s a rush of energy… time to get up! Either work your butt off to get that one back, or go make yourself a more valuable partner and find someone else!”

Long story short, if you were hooked up to a brain scanner, your brain after a painful breakup is highly similar to the brain of a drug addict in rehab. So if you’re getting over a breakup, do these things first:

1. Remind yourself of the good, the bad, and the awful.

Part of the reason we get stuck in processing our breakup is that we idealize the relationship as a big collection of amazing, emotionally fulfilling times with very little downside. In reality, you fought frequently and there were core incompatibilities that drove you apart.

To get a more accurate view of your past relationship, journal about the things that you loved about the relationship, the things that bothered you about your ex, and your part in the downfall of the relationship.

2. Allow yourself space to grieve alone.

Take a few days (at least) to sit with your emotions and let them move through you.

Every time you resist feeling an emotion, it goes down to the basement to lift weights. So if you ignore the frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, or pain that is present in your body, it will only get stronger and come back louder than before until you listen to the signals.

3. Embody the “you” that felt the most stifled.

In any failed relationship there is bound to be a part of you that felt like it was discouraged by your ex. Maybe she didn’t like your playful side, or how much time you wanted to spend with your friends, or how much time you spent working on your business.

Whatever it was that felt dormant, go and inhabit that side of yourself to the fullest degree. You only suffer in a breakup to the extent that you lost yourself during the relationship, so there might be some leftover negative emotional residue if you felt like you weren’t fully allowed to be yourself around your partner.

4. Use your newfound energy for positive growth.

With the surge of adrenaline and cortisol that you get after a breakup telling you to get up and get out (and numb yourself to the pain by partying and hooking up with others), you have a huge opportunity. Get your exercise routine dialed, learn a new skill, or build a new business.

I have had clients who built successful seven-figure businesses from the surge of adrenaline they got from an especially painful breakup. Some of the best art in the world was made by people who had lost love. Utilize this current of emotional energy for your personal gain.

5. See your emotional process as a trend, not a linear path away from suffering.

If you expect your emotional suffering to decrease in a linear A to B straight line, you’re in for a rude awakening. Re-frame your processing of the breakup as something that generally trends upwards and you won’t be as taken aback by the down days (when you see something that reminds you of your ex, smell their perfume on someone, and so on).

So you’ve done everything listed above and it only feels like it’s affecting you on the logical level, and not on the deeper emotional level? Then I have one exercise left for you. And it’s one that gets right to the heart of the suffering.

Think back to your relationship with your partner, remember all of the good times and ask yourself one question: What is the overarching emotional benefit that you got from being with them specifically? It could be something along the lines of “She made me feel appreciated/proud/good about myself.”

Whatever that thing is, one of the reasons that you’re suffering this long after your breakup is because whatever she did for you is still a large void in your life. You may be emotionally and psychologically addicted to your ex because they were your only source of a certain emotion, thought, or feeling that you only got from them.

Some examples of this would be:

  • You have low self-esteem and she made you see yourself through her much more positive perspective.
  • You are reluctant to give yourself any praise for a job well done and she would lavish you with praise and congratulations.
  • You feel directionless in life and your relationship with her gave you a project to work on.
  • You aren’t good at keeping yourself accountable or on track with your goals and she helped you tremendously in this area of your life.

Whatever your ex gave you, you are likely still suffering because you barely give yourself any of the emotional benefit that she gave you tons of. So the action step part of this section is to start giving yourself the thing that she used to give you.

Like a bird who lands on a tree branch only to have it break out from underneath it’s feet, you still have wings. You can make yourself soar without her.

Do I still do mental gymnastics sometimes and begin convincing myself that I’m still not over her? Yes, I do. As do a handful of my clients that are engaged to other women. But our brains are experts at convincing ourselves (logically) that we want things that aren’t good for us (because we want them emotionally).

When I slow down for longer than a minute and think about why we broke up (several times), it was because we weren’t right for each other. She is my ex for a reason, just like yours is your ex for a reason. If it was meant to be then it would have been easier and you both would have fought to keep it going. But now it’s in the past and all that’s left to do is to let go of it.

They came into your life to teach you a lesson about yourself, and now it’s time to gracefully let go of that person. You are better off for having known them, and you both bumped into each other on your life’s journey so you can better prepare each other for your next respective relationships.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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13 Brutally Honest Reasons Guys Always End Up Trying To Get Back With The Ex

Why your ex has come crawling back to you — or why he left you for his ex.

Here’s a solid post by one of my female readers. I found it very interesting…

Whether you’re fresh out of a breakup yourself or dating a guy who is, you might wonder if him getting back with an ex is a possibility.

I remember when my ex broke up with me. He was my everything, and I had expected that we’d end up being together forever. Out of all the guys I dated, I never expected to see him boomerang back to me, especially considering that he was so much more popular than I was

I was devastated, I really was.

My friend Jon, though, seemed totally mellow about the entire ordeal. He looked at me while sipping his beer in his classic “you can’t be serious” look. No matter how much I vented, his expression didn’t change, and for some reason, that just got to me.

“Why are you so mellow?” I asked. “I just got dumped!”

Jon laughed, and said, “Dude, I don’t get why you’re sitting here crying into your beer like that. You know he’s going to come back, right? They always come back.”

I didn’t believe him. Yet, no more than 4 years later, he had tried to get back together with me… except this time, I rejected him. He seemed more crushed than I did after the breakup. Eventually, I realized what Jon meant when he said that “they always come back.”

Most men will try to get back with the ex after a breakup, even if it’s not immediate. And sadly, the reasons why they do aren’t always the noblest.

Here are the most common reasons guys try to get back together with an ex.

1. The sex was good.

Most guys will not pass up good sex and they’ll often try to keep the avenue to sex with them open if they can help it. This is why so many guys will weave a sob story about how they “miss their ex,” but that they “can’t really commit to anything again.”

Make no mistake about it: most of the time, guys don’t miss their exes as much as they miss the sex.

2. He had a fall from grace.

This is actually what happened with me and my ex. He lost most of his hair and started looking like a creepy old man. Moreover, due to drama, he also lost a lot of friends who used to praise him and demonize me. Meanwhile, I got more muscular and more popular with his friends.

When a guy sees that their ex is doing way better than they are, they often will try to get back with the ex as a way to regain some of the social standing they once had.

3. He thought you were going to go downhill, and then you bounced back after the breakup.

This happened to me a number of times, and the funny thing about this is that most guys can’t even come up with a good excuse as to why they dumped you in the first place. It wasn’t that he was “in a bad place,” honey. It was that he was too selfish to actually stay by your side when you needed him.

Needless to say, if he kicked you while you were down, he doesn’t deserve an ounce of your time.

4. He had you as a backup plan, and the new girl dumped him.

This reason is most common with cheaters as well as guys who ghost early on in the relationship. The most common reasons he’ll give for dumping you when he apologizes include “I was going through something” and “I didn’t know what I had.” He may also say he misses you.

Don’t fall for it. You can do better than a guy who shelved you.

5. You’re doing well for yourself, and he’s broke.

This happened to my friend and her ex. He dumped her because she was making a solid $11 an hour at a local car wash, said he didn’t want to be seen with a “poor girl,” and that he was worried that she was a gold digger. He ended up losing his $55,000-per-year job later that year.

Guess who came knocking at her door asking for a second chance? That’s right: her ex. And guess who sagely slammed the door in his face? That’s right: she did.

Money is a relationship influencer for both men and women, and male gold diggers are increasingly common these days.

6. He wants to control you.

A scary amount of guys get off on the idea of having a girl wrapped around their little finger, and if he comes back to you once you’re finally over him, it could be because he realized that he no longer has a hold on you.

If you notice him regularly stringing you along, getting in the way of you dating others, or doing similar tactics, it’s a matter of control, not love, for this guy.

7. He doesn’t want to start over and he realized it a bit too late.

Dating is exhausting for most people, including men. Sadly, most guys out there have a “grass is greener” mentality until one fateful breakup… and then they want that girl back because they realized how much work is put into getting another girlfriend.

Unfortunately, this kind of thinking is never good for long-term relationships, so it’s best you keep walking.

8. You got hotter.

Did you lose 75 pounds after the breakup? As shallow as it is, guys will often try to get back together with an ex if that ex ends up looking super-hot later on. There’s a reason why Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body show has some truth to it, after all.

However, that interest guys have to get to know “the new you” is never genuine. If it was, then the packaging wouldn’t have mattered.

9. He misses the perks of being in a relationship with you.

Whether men want to admit it or not, being in a relationship does have perks. If he’s been single for a hot minute, then he may want to try to hit up exes in hopes he can get coupled up again, because he knows which girls treated him well.

Though others may disagree with me, I believe that any worthwhile guy will know what he has when he has it and won’t require a breakup to realize he wants you.

10. You became a challenge.

Were you always underfoot when you two were together? If he sees that you no longer want him, he may start chasing you because he sees you as a challenge now. It’s sad, but it’s true. Some guys never learn!

11. He legit changed.

This reason he came back is actually the rarest of all, and it’s up there in rarity with unicorns and Bigfoot. Guys can change if they really want to, but most of the time they won’t. If he tells you this, it may be better not to believe him.

12. He wants an ego boost.

Fragile male egos are a thing, and sometimes, they’ll hit up a girl just because they want to know they’re still attractive. Is this fair to you? No, and it’s all the more reason why you shouldn’t forgive an ex.

It’s not your job to protect the feelings of a man who hurt you, and frankly, no one would really think ill of you to make a point of telling him he’s not worth your time.

13. He regrets the way he treated you.

Some guys really don’t understand how awful they were to a girl until she leaves him. And when this happens, they are often filled with regret. However, going back to someone like this doesn’t ever really end well. After all, there’s no saying that he won’t fall into his old ways and take you for granted.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing on June 20th, on Amazon!

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Here’s How To End Things With Someone You Weren’t “Officially” Dating

Here’s an interesting post by one of my female readers.

Several years back, I found myself grappling with a rather common conundrum. After casually dating the same guy for several months, I decided I wasn’t invested enough in the relationship to pursue it any further. But since we never decided it was exclusive, put a label on things, or defined the relationship in any way whatsoever, I had no clue what the protocol was. If you, too, are wondering how to end things with someone you weren’t “officially” dating, then know this: There’s no one-size-fits-all formula because how you approach it will depend on such factors as how long you’ve been dating, how serious things were getting, etc. However, experts say there are certain tried-and-true guidelines you should stick to when breaking off an undefined relationship.

According to Maria Sullivan, dating expert and VP of Dating.com, and Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, it makes sense why it might feel awk AF to call it quits on something that was never made official, especially if you generally avoid or put off confrontation.

“Everyone hates uncomfortable conversations,” says Trombetti. “And if you’re someone that hates to hurt anyone’s feelings or doesn’t like to disappoint, it never feels good.

That’s why it can be pretty tempting to dodge the conversation entirely. But as much as you may prefer to “Irish exit” your almost bae, experts agree the one thing you shouldn’t do is neglect to formally end things, no matter how casual your relationship was.

It's best to meet in person or call when ending things with a person you weren't official with.

Jovo Jovanovic/Stocksy

“You shouldn’t just let things fizzle out or ghost someone, because it makes the process of moving on a lot harder,” explains Sullivan. “It leaves a lot of questions unanswered and often people will begin to blame themselves for why things didn’t work out when it might have just been bad timing.”

Trombetti advises following the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. If you’ve ever had someone leave you hanging, you probably know it doesn’t feel so great. So, just as you would likely want the person you’re casually dating to be upfront with you, it’s advisable to provide your unofficial boo with the same level of honesty.

Of course, if the person you were dating has mistreated you or made you feel unsafe in any way, then you have absolutely no obligation to meet up with them in person or even call them on the phone. Your top priority should be to break it off in whatever way makes you feel comfortable and secure.

Otherwise, both experts concur that the best way to handle this situation is in person, or at the very least, with a phone call — particularly if you’ve spent a significant amount of time together. A text may suffice if you’ve only been on a few dates, but if you’ve been seeing each other for months, it’s best to call them up or make a plan to meet. A phone call allows the person you’ve been dating to hear your voice, which is a huge advantage over text because tone can play a major role in how they react to your decision. It also shows them that you care enough to engage in a two-way conversation and give them a chance to say what’s on their mind. On the other hand, if you decide to meet in person, you’ll want to be mindful of when and where you meet. In general, it’s best to choose a location where you can have a private conversation, which means a bar or a restaurant are probably a no-go. You can meet up at their apartment, or even offer to take a walk.

When I broke it off with my aforementioned not-quite-boyfriend, I asked him to meet me at a local park. I later found out that since this was an unusual place for us to link up, this tipped him off that something might be up, and he actually came prepared for the possibility that we might be ending things. I cut to the chase pretty quickly and simply told him, “I think you have a lot to offer, and I feel really lucky that you reminded me how I deserve to be treated by someone I’m dating. But I’m having trouble seeing a future here, and given that my life is about to get really hectic, I think it’s best if we go our separate ways.” To my relief, he took it super well — so well, in fact, that shortly after that, he supported my crowdfunding campaign for the album I was recording, and when we ran into each other a couple months later, we were able to exchange pleasantries with barely any awkwardness.

Breaking up with someone you aren't official with isn't easy, but it does offer closure.

Javier Díez/Stocksy

I can’t tell you exactly how to go about breaking up with someone you weren’t official with because only you know what feels right given your unique romantic circumstances. But I will say this: wherever, whenever or however you opt to end things, it’s worth having a plan for what you’ll say. If you decide ahead of time how exactly you’ll bring it up, you’re less likely to back out of breaking it off at the last minute. For example, Trombetti suggests saying something along the lines of, “I’m so glad I got to know you, but I just don’t feel like we’re right for each other” or, “I’ve had a lot of fun with you, but I just don’t see this continuing.” Starting with something positive may help to soften the blow, and following up with a super direct statement ensures that you don’t leave any room for confusion about the fact that the relationship is over.

“You should be prepared for the other person to be disappointed, and maybe even questioning why you made this decision,” Trombetti tells Elite Daily. “Don’t go off script and engage. You don’t need to get into the nitty-gritty such as ‘I am just not that attracted to you’ or ‘I find you to be a bit of a jerk.’ If you weren’t official, you don’t owe them those explanations — and let’s face it, your reasons are usually never going to sit well with them. It’s best to be kind, brief, and honest.”

So, here’s a recap. It’s best to end things either over the phone or in-person, depending on what feels right for your specific situation. Always have a plan for exactly what you’re going to say, and consider starting on a positive note, but ending on a clear-cut statement that you don’t wish to continue the relationship. Never feel like you need to over-explain yourself or justify your decision. While it may not be easy to break it off with someone you were never official with, it’s ultimately good dating karma. Remember: Having an honest convo is the best way to get closure, which is something you both deserve, even if your relationship wasn’t ever fully defined.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing on June 20th, on Amazon!

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Michelle – Chapter 21 – Ghosted

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.”

This post was written in 2019. Due to scheduling restraints of more relevant content, it’s been delayed and is being published now.

If you’ve been reading this blog you’ll have read the Michelle story. Although not the inspiration for this blog like Maria, it’s one of the cornerstones of this publication. Michelle is one of the most important people I’ve ever met. The great thing is, you can simply type in her name in the search bar and read the whole story of our relationship. (Or buy my book, Phicklephilly, on Amazon!)

Sadly, she and I had always wanted to write about our legacy in this great city of Philadelphia, but never did. We collected bullet points and events on paper ,but like most people in love, we were having too much fun to record anything we did.

I did my best here to piece together out greatest hits on phicklephilly. I know Michelle had some fear about what I would publish on this blog because of her present situation.

Read Michelle before you read this piece because it’ll help you understand the full scope of what this relationship was.

Michelle and I had a very special relationship. It was more unique than any I had ever known, and I’m sure I will not experience it again. I’m lucky to have had my time with her. I always said; “You’re the nicest, pretty girl I ever met.” Because beautiful women don’t need to be nice. They just need to show up.

But Michelle always was.

I was blessed to have her as my girl. I was a 40 something loser from a failed marriage and working in New York in the world of finance. I got laid off with a team of other talented guys and needed a job. I ran out of options in NYC and turned to Philly. (The city I’m from) By some miracle, I landed a job in advertising at the news of record for Philadelphia.

Michelle worked in billing. I couldn’t imagine why such a beautiful women ended up in such a shitty department. But she eventually wanted to get into sales, and since my manager was secretly in love with her, he acquired her. Much to my delight. I was just happy to be near her and work with her. Incredibly pretty, but so nice. A rare combination.

We became friends.

Read Michelle. Then you’ll know what we were to each other.

Michelle kept in touch with me long after our breakup. One of the most extraordinary aspects of or relationship, is that we were able to stay best friends after our break up.

It was a classic phicklephilly breakup. “You aren’t going to marry me and give me kids, so goodbye.”

I get it.

I’m not doing that ever again. No bitterness, just can’t risk that again.

Michelle and I have been friends, longer than we’ve been lovers. (Which has so much deeper value)  I’ve never experienced that with anyone I’ve ever known. That seems odd to me, but I simply accepted that miracle for what it was.

That went on for years.

After all of that…

She sold all of her stuff, quit her job, and flew to California and went on to marry her high school sweetheart. She knew we didn’t work, and was done with dating all of the idiots out in the world so she retreated to the known. The guy from high school who she originally loved. They were both out of options so they decided to settle.

“He became the man I hoped he’d be” she said.

She settled for the American Dream.

The American Dream. I have lived that and I have nothing but the taste of ashes in my mouth for that life.

Michelle has been sold a bill of goods, that told her she needs to find a safe man by her 30’s, and get married and have kids. That is a sour lie told to every woman in this country, from the time they hit puberty. Maybe even before that. She’s a kid born out-of-wedlock. Adopted by assholes who have no idea who they were. They don’t even know who they are or why they want a kid, but they can afford you, so you get rescued. But from what? Death, then into the frying pan of these two idiots?

It happened.

But you’re smart and oh, so beautiful. Beauty goes so far in this world.

I only ever saw your kindness and sweetness and till this day I am astounded by you.

When everything in your life no longer makes sense you go for the American Dream.

(Never do this fair readers)

Marriage and settling on a guy that is reasonably handsome and can hold a job and is in the range to give you kids. You hated taking care of your cat, why in the fuck would you ever want to have kids? Kids are a fortune (I have the receipts. My beloved Lorelei cost me over $170,000)

He takes her camping, hiking, and hang gliding… Kill me now. Come on….She likes hanging out, and sipping chardonnay, and smoking cigs with interesting people.

Or does she? Maybe she’s ready to adapt to the safe option.

I know all of the above gets boring, and I don’t even do that anymore, but has she simply settled for mediocrity? But maybe by doing all of those mundane things they’ve saved her from a rich, exciting life, and she’s healthier for it. It’s all about her health. Right? I get that.

I haven’t heard from her since my birthday in 2018. That’s okay. Because on the day she left, I was fine with her leaving. I understood, and I knew where she would go. She’d retreat to her high school boyfriend.

And I get why she’s ghosted her best friend. Because she needs to be the wife to her husband, and the mom to her kids or whatever it is she’s doing. It just sucks that we all know who her best friend is, and that person is not allowed to be friends with her anymore. Simply due to the insecurities in her current. If you’re female, you can be friends with Michelle. If you’re male. No dice.

Hell, I ghost people. They need to be cut off. I just can’t have them in my life anymore.

I get it.

But I think this is it.

She was always texting me and face timing me for the last 5 years since she left. I think she finally found the assumed moral compass, to stop talking to the love of her life, so she could dedicate her life of what happiness is supposed to look like with her husband.

I get it. He always loved to control her. Control is weakness and insecurity. Relax Dave…you’ve won.  I just hope she can find some parcel of happiness in the choices she’s made.

Figure it out and you can still come to Janice’s house at Christmas!

(Kidding!)

Your hubby wouldn’t allow it!

Things are going well for Lorelei and me here in Rittenhouse. She’s doing great in her career and has been in a relationship with Ethan for over 5 years now. I’m managing a restaurant in Rittenhouse now and I love it.

I don’t go out anymore. Only occasionally with a close friend. The old crew has moved on, like they always do. I hope you’re doing well with your husband, and your job and family and life because that’s all I can hope.

I know I can leave this world knowing I helped one person.

I hope it was you Michelle, and I will always love you. No matter where you go, or what you do, I will always love you, and our time together.

Because it was magical and real.

And nobody can every take those memories away from us.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing on June 20th, on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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‘Fizzing’ Is the Non-Breakup Breakup That’s Confusing Millennials

Here’s another one from one of my female readers. I thought it was worth sharing…

Nothing was wrong with my relationship, per se. We had fun together. The sex was above average. I thought we were seeing where things went naturally, without any pressure to make anything “official.” I liked him, and from what I gathered (and what he said directly), he liked me, too.

Then after dating for about two and a half months, seeing each other at least once a week, neither of us texted. Two weeks of non-communication later, I figured it was over. I wasn’t sad. I wasn’t angry. Maybe I was a little confused, since I figured he’d text. I was always the one to initiate texting, and yes, maybe I was playing a little bit of a “game”—seeing if he would text first. But his lack of communication made it clear: He wasn’t feeling it as much as I thought he was. Evidently, I wasn’t either, otherwise I would have sucked it up and texted him first.

As the god-awful saying goes: That’s the way the cookie crumbles.

This isn’t the first time I’ve experience what I’m coining as “fizzing.” Fizzing is not the same as ghosting, where one party is left to torture themselves with the question of what they did wrong. Fizzing is when you happily date someone for a couple of months, and things peter out without a formal breakup conversation. (FYI: The word “fizzing” comes from the relationship “fizzling out.”)

What makes fizzing so interesting, and well, confusing, is that in these scenarios, you’ve been dating long enough that a conversation feels warranted. After going on a dozen dates over the course of three months, texting multiple times a week, and boning on the regular, you would think that something, anything, needs to be said.

“While [fizzing] usually implies that one or both people have found someone else that they like better, it can also be where one person is hurt but is playing games,” says Caroline Madden, PhD, licensed marriage and family therapist. For example, it could be that one person is waiting to see if the other person will text first.

I get why fizzing is appealing. Sometimes you’re in a relationship where nothing is wrong—you’re having fun—but you’d rather be doing other things (or people). And it can be tough to break up with someone simply because you aren’t really feeling it. You end up having to convince the other person you’re making the right decision, even if nothing was bad about the relationship.

“Often, the other person wants a list of reasons, and then instead of accepting them, they plead that these are things that they can change about themselves,” Madden explains.

That’s why my friend and colleague Philip Ellis told me he doesn’t actually mind fizzing.

“On the surface, letting communication simply flatline seems lazy and slightly cowardly, but it’s also a reflection of the low-stakes emotional investment that both people have staked in the brief dalliance,” he says. “When you’ve only been seeing each other for a short time, and the texts and phone calls have already begun to peter out, it seems dramatic and slightly narcissistic to pick up the phone and tell somebody what they already know. There’s no need to deliver a killing blow to something that is already dying of natural causes.”

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While fizzing might not offer the same sense of resolution as having The Talk, in a way, the sheer mutual lack of communication from both sides can be its own form of closure.

“It implies that you’ve both read the cues of the situation and come to the same wordless verdict,” Philip adds.

While I love and respect Philip, I couldn’t help but think that while he may be over the relationship, the people he’s dating might not feel the same way, even if they don’t say anything. Some folks, fearing outright rejection, may prefer to hide their true feelings instead opting for a “non-talk” to spare their ego.

Gail Saltz, MD, an associate professor of psychiatry at the NY Presbyterian Hospital Weill-Cornell School of Medicine, has some insight that backs up my theory.

“Rarely do both people have exactly the same feelings about what has happened, what is happening and what not speaking means,” she says. That’s why Saltz believes it’s better to have some sort of closure conversation. If you’ve been dating someone for two or so months, you most likely have some feeling for the person. She argues that leaving them not knowing why you ended things is more painful.

“Avoidance denies closure, [and] keeps either of you from learning about yourselves and from possibly finding out there was something that could have been repaired and made the relationship worth keeping,” Saltz says, adding that the difficult conversation is a sign of “emotional maturity.”

Wow, I feel attacked.

At least it doesn’t have to be a long drawn out or soul baring conversation, Saltz says.

“Speaking about why you are choosing to end things, what did not work, and what you appreciate about the other person is actually helpful to both of you in the present and in the future.”

 

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