5 Things I Learned After My Husband Cheated on Me

Here’s another post from one of my female readers. I think it’s worth sharing. Take it away, Jill!

I have something to confess: people whom you trust blindly can even deceive you in a span of seconds. I have been married to a man for almost years now. We had an unhappy yet satisfying marriage. Things took a turn when I got to know that he had thrown himself into an affair.

I couldn’t believe for months that the love of my life could cheat on me. Being cheated sucks big time. It doesn’t matter how miserable my marriage was – finding out, the person I loved would betray me – was nothing less than a nightmare.

It was as if cheating on me wasn’t enough. He left me for his girlfriend and married her after 2 years – cherry on the top, they are expecting their first child now. Trust me, this is not an experience you’d be willing to go through.

Do you want your forever to last? Here are some hard-earned lessons that I came across when my whole world crumbled to pieces.

Don’t Blame Yourself

If your husband cheated on you is it your fault? No. You are not to blame for his infidelity. It was a unilateral decision that he made – a choice which was made without your consent. His behavior was a very clear reflection of how he was as a person.

Sometimes, I thought that he left me because I wasn’t good enough. You’ll realize it soon that cheating has nothing to do with appearance, money or education. Stop being guilty.

Material things don’t matter. What’s significant is how you feel in each other’s company. Your husband found joy with someone else, so why blame yourself for it?!

Get Over It

Leave your past behind. Try to bring all the positive vibes that help you move on and get wiser to handle relationships in the future. I was distrustful of everyone initially, but with time I have tried to adjust myself and I have started accepting things.

You cannot remain sad and distressed your whole life. You may plan to look for a job. The best thing is to keep yourself busy so that you don’t have time to think about your traumatizing past.

Know Your Worth

I was in a marriage, where I was willing to give away all I had. But if someone doesn’t value you it’s out of your self-control. Don’t let go of your self-respect for the sake of a happy marriage. I wouldn’t recommend it at all.

Always know your worth! There is no point in staying with a person if it’s an abusive relationship. Try to consult a family law firm if you’ve decided to part ways with your partner. I, for one, realized I’m planting water to a dead flower.

Don’t Force Him to Stay

I made the mistake of forcing my husband to stay in the marriage even when he didn’t want to. There’s no point staying in an unwanted marriage.

Divorce is considered to be taboo in a community. But it’s better to let him go if he wants that. You’d be heartbroken initially but you’ll learn to cope up with life.

If he doesn’t want to stay, he has nothing to lose by negotiating with you. Don’t stoop low by clinging on to him. Forcing things on your spouse would just complicate things in the future.

Forgive and Forget

There will always be these two opinions. Sometimes, you’d think it’s okay to forgive him despite what he did to you. Or, you may go with the flow and leave things for God to decide. Forgiving your spouse will help you move on with life. The trust will come later.

If he’s really guilty, you may forgive him this one time and try to rebuild your relationship with your partner. For me, I always believed that it’s better to be alone rather than to be cheated on.

If you don’t want to forgive your partner, that’s your personal choice. It takes time to heal. It took me years to get past the melodrama, but I had my whole life ahead of me. That was the only reason I decided to forgive him and start afresh with him.

Have you internalized your feelings of rejection? Don’t close yourself from the faucet of truth. You definitely are worthy, important and able. You might want to devote your whole existence to the person you love but that existence may come crashing down.

Everything happens for a reason and only you so have a choice to grow from experiences.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

5 Signs You’re Not Over Your Breakup Yet, So Give Yourself Time

It’s no secret that getting over a breakup takes time, regardless of who ended things. If you just got out of a relationship — especially if you were together for several years — it’s only natural to need a minute (or, you know, a few) to heal and move on. Understanding the signs you’re not over your breakup yet and recognizing them in yourself might help you realize you need a little more time, and there’s nothing wrong with that. After all, moving on doesn’t happen overnight.

While it would be nice to have an exact timeline for when you “should” be fully over someone, that’s not always realistic. Everyone is different. “This truly depends on a couple of things,” Chris Armstrong, founder of the relationship coaching company Maze of Love, previously told us. “If your ex was the one to break up [with you] and you did not see it coming, it could take several months.” On the other hand, “If you broke up with your ex and you had been mulling it over for a bit, it may only take a couple of weeks to a month,” Armstrong said.

If you recognize any of the following signs or behaviors within yourself, it might mean you’re not over your breakup just yet. Don’t be too hard on yourself, because everyone’s different. Trust that you will get there when you get there, and everything will fall into place.

1. You didn’t grieve the end of the relationship.

Dmytro Bilous/ Stocksy

You can’t truly move on from a breakup if you don’t let yourself feel sad, mad, or upset for a while. “Let yourself feel all the emotions,” dating coach Diana Dorell previously told Elite Daily. “Denial is a part of the grieving process, and the end of a relationship really can feel like a death of sorts. Trying to skip over how you feel or distracting yourself from your feelings is only a temporary solution.”

2. You still want to reach out to them.

It is so tempting to text your ex after a breakup, no matter how things ended. So, if you still feel yourself reaching for the phone, there’s a good chance you probably aren’t over the breakup. “Even if you and your ex aren’t communicating, give yourself a timeframe, [during] which you will commit to not reaching out to them in any way,” Dorell said “Once you get to that point, re-commit for another round,” she continued. “You may find that you don’t even have the desire to reach out.”

3. You still check their social media.

Studio Firma/ Stocksy

Social media can make breakups even harder. Being able to see what your ex is up to on a daily basis can make it harder to forget about them. “If you are following your ex on social media, be careful to not stalk their account and do check-ins with yourself to make sure you are not feeling sadness or anxiety from checking their social media pages,” Marline Francois-Madden, LCSW, psychotherapist, and CEO of Hearts Empowerment Counseling Center previously told Elite Daily.

At the end of the day, it might be best to hit that “unfollow” button.

4. You’ve held on to physical mementos.

You probably aren’t over a breakup if you’ve been holding onto something that belonged to your ex. A shirt, book, or blanket can hold too many memories to allow you to really move on. “Have a simple ritual to honor the relationship, and then release any objects that remind you of them. Donate, sell, throw away,” Dorell said.

5. You haven’t taken time for yourself.

In order to get over a breakup, you might need to take some time to love yourself. “One of the most important things to remember during a breakup is that heartbreak affects your physiology and your neurochemistry,” Elle Huerta, CEO and founder of breakup recovery app Mend, previously told Elite Daily. “Going through a breakup feels like going through withdrawal, so it’s really important in the early days to take extra care of yourself — make sure you’re walking or getting a little bit of exercise every day to get happy hormones flowing.”

There’s no real way to rush your way through a breakup, so don’t stress too much if you aren’t completely over the relationship just yet. It takes time and effort. Remember: Try not to reach out, hit “unfollow” if you can, and take care of yourself. Be patient and kind with yourself. Heartbreak is no joke, but with some patience, you’ll get there.

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Why Your Marriage Will Most Likely End in Divorce (And Why It’s Completely Normal)

Maybe we weren’t all meant to live happily ever after.

What are the most common reasons for divorce and why is the divorce rate so high?

Learning what percentage of marriages end in divorce may make you seriously wonder why.

It’ll make our lives so much better.

Even when standing at the altar, assume marriage isn’t for eternity.

Instead, assume someday you might want out.

And not just you. That person standing there with you, too.

In that world, we’ll have happier marriages with more honest communication and expectations.

And happier divorces, as well. No failure. No gloom. Just a normal, expected outcome.

In our modern world, half of the marriages end in divorce.

We know that. We know divorced people. We couldn’t care less.

Do we go around shaming people thinking of divorce? Or ostracizing divorcees? This is just stating the obvious, right?

Still, we have a hard time embracing that “till death do us part” is a Santa Claus fantasy for grownups – and an often harmful one.

If we can admit that marriage is rarely forever, we’ll save so many from stress, anguish, and the guilt-ridden and shame-inducing delusion that divorce is a failure.

It’s not. It’s typical.

I’m not saying that happy couples should break up.

If you find a soulmate for life, congrats. I’m jealous.

But if you’re an average human and don’t (or can admit you probably won’t) find that forever love, then get rid of the pressure to remain content with just one partner for your whole life.

What do you have to gain?

This is not cold or unromantic.

We genuinely love our partners when we say “I do.”

Many of us still love them even when it’s time for a divorce. Just…not in the same way. Or maybe we don’t love them anymore.

That’s not an indictable offense.

These are normal life changes — not crimes or sins — and they’re no reason to turn feelings of guilt and shame into fire aimed at a partner.

On the contrary, the commonality and inevitability of such life changes is a reason to keep breakups amicable, fair, and even loving.

This is also not making moral or value judgments on the sanctity of marriage, the importance of commitment, or the necessity to continuously work on our relationships.

It’s just trying to provide a common-sense answer to a common-sense question: Should marriage be expected to continue forever?

Forever is a long time.

If we get hitched at, say, 30, and live to say, 80, why, that’s 50 years.

How many relationships — how many anythings — last 50 years?

How many business partnerships?

How many people live in the same house for 50 years? The same city?

How many close friends stay close friends that long?

I know, most consider marriage more important and sacred than such things.

Which is even more reason to view marriage with deep honesty and compassion.

If something’s really sacred, why lie to ourselves about it?

The truth remains: even happy, successful marriages — with couples that do the work and collaborate, forgive and recommit — even they probably aren’t going to be content for 50 years.

And that’s ok. Successful or otherwise, marriages should just…end successfully. They often do.

We see examples of famed “conscious uncouplings” like that of Gwyneth Paltrow and Chris Martin, but also of everyday folks who quietly and amicably move on.

Even with children. Kids today are surrounded by divorce: their social networks are filled with single parents and kids of split families. It’s normal to them.

Of course, kids are unhappy if mom and dad break up, but, if handled properly, they’re not shocked, scandalized, or scarred.

Forever is a nearly unattainable objective, born of bygone eras when marriages were business deals brokered for merging families, finances, or bloodlines.

Or when “till death do us part” was a much briefer journey, when people in their 50s and 60s slowed down and retired from energetic activity, to sit in rocking chairs waiting for the undertaker.

But happily, those days are gone.

We’re going to live to be 80, 90, 100, with, if we’re lucky, active brains and bodies pretty much to the end.

We should be free to pursue happiness throughout our long, healthy lives.

That often means allowing ourselves to start over.

Fresh beginnings. Second, third, or fourth chances.

Unconstrained by antiquated notions about contracts for life.

It’s ok to want that. It’s ok to go for it.

Still, even in modernity, we keep telling ourselves that divorce is a failure or needs to be a war.

But for what, exactly? Judging our lives based on criteria created eons ago by people who thought the sun revolved around the Earth?

I hope marriages last forever. I just know they usually don’t. And I’m good with that.

We’re messy humans. That’s just who we are. And pretending otherwise can do more harm than good.

In today’s world, “till death do us part” may be the dumbest oath ever.

Let’s stop saying it.

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Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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How Long It Actually Takes To Feel Like Yourself Again After A Breakup

You won’t feel this way forever — as long as you do something about it.

While you’re still figuring how to get over a breakup, low self-esteem is inevitable and you can’t help but wonder if you’ll ever learn to love yourself again.

Let’s face it, breakups stink! Getting over someone you loved is difficult.

Right now, you’re probably wondering how long it takes to get over a breakup, and how long your low self-esteem and lack of self-confidence will stick around.

Even if you are the one to initiate the split, you are still likely to experience a complicated range of emotions — sadness, confusion, self-doubt, and anger. You’ll ask yourself, at some point, “How long am I going to feel this way?”

The end of a relationship not only initiates lowered self-esteem but it can also be the onset of depression.

On the positive side, it can also provide a powerful learning experience that may benefit your future relationships.

But while you are waiting to “feel” that great learning opportunity, you are probably more likely to start feeling bad about yourself and wondering how long your low self-esteem will last while you’re going through the heartbreak.

While six to eight weeks is the average length of time spent getting over a breakup and recovering, according to licensed clinical psychologist Ramani Durvasula, Ph.D., author of Should I Stay or Should I Go? a variety of factors will play a role in just how long it takes for you.

I used to know someone who actually mourned the loss of his wife for over 5 years and still hasn’t recovered. The last two years of their marriage had zero intimacy, and she ended up leaving him. He was too busy blowing thousands of dollars in strip joints every night. He’s an addict and a pathological liar, so she did the right thing to leave this incredible bore. She immediately hooked up with some other guy, got pregnant, and had a baby.

She has a good job and plenty of wealth she’s earned, so good for her. She was smart enough to move forward with her life and get away from this loser. Sadly, her ex is still circling the drain and I assume will soon clog it before going down it sooner than later.

Anyway, let’s move on. 6 to 8 weeks to mourn is plenty.

Researchers at the University of Berkeley say that the brain in love is the same as the brain wired for reward (in this case, interaction with your ex).

Your brain still wants the reward (your ex, not necessarily “love”), so the symptoms of a breakup are essentially the symptoms of withdrawal.

There are 3 major factors that influence how long it takes to get over a breakup:

  • What you tell yourself about the breakup
  • What you tell yourself about your future
  • What you tell yourself about yourself

And what you tell yourself about each and all of these topics will reflect both how you feel about yourself and the speed with which you recover from low self-esteem after a breakup.

Playing the victim will always make getting over your breakup take longer. Instead of indulging all-or-nothing negative thoughts about your ex, take ownership of your own role in the breakup.

It always takes two and healthy relationships don’t just end suddenly. A realistic assessment of your relationship can actually be a source of empowerment for you.

Low self-esteem after a breakup is naturally going to rear its ugly head and tell you that you will never find love or be loved again.

But, you will learn how to get over someone and love yourself again as long as you do something about it.

Instead of believing that you will never find someone (or someone as good as your ex), empower yourself with the belief that you are on a path of learning how to love better.

The wounded, post-breakup heart tends to process painful statements and dynamics from the severed relationship: “The person who I thought knew me best and loved me the most now thinks I’m worthless, so it must be true.”

Self-loathing, however natural, doesn’t help you with building self-esteem again.

The time it takes to heal a lowered self-esteem when you’re learning how to deal with a breakup will be predicated, in large part, on your ability to realize that you are not the negative things your ex said about you or the negative things you think about yourself.

Even if it seems awkward, take time every day to engage in the practice of self-love — meditation, sleep, nutrition, exercise, socializing, getting a change of scenery, having a good cry…and getting off social media!

Take heart in the fact that extreme emotions, both good and bad, don’t linger.

We couldn’t survive if we lived 24/7 in the extreme highs and lows of the emotional gamut.

Instead of focusing on the physical manifestation of your ex, which likely stirs up feelings of negativity and anger, you can choose to focus on the positive feelings you had about them.

While that may seem counterintuitive, this practice will remind you that you had the opportunity to experience your own selflessness and capacity to love.

It will also help you to silence your inner critic and to process your emotions in an appropriate way — two important steps in mending lowered self-esteem and self-worth.

Valuing your own ability to love will empower and strengthen you to move on, low self-esteem after a breakup can disappear by reminding you that you are the only one who gets to define you.

 

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Breakups When You’ve Been Together For 10 Years Or More Affect You Differently — Here’s How

It’s tough to part ways with a partner at any stage of a relationship, even in the early days. But if you go through a breakup after ten years together, it can come with a new set of difficulties. First of all, “a breakup after having been together for around a decade is a substantial change,” Lauren Cook, MMFT, a clinician practicing emotionally-focused therapy, tells us. “Not only is it a loss of a romantic relationship, but a friendship, partnership, and general sense of comfortability.”

By the ten-year mark, you’re way past the honeymoon stage, which Cook says can last for up to two years, and well into the committed, companionship stage. You aren’t just dating anymore, but have truly become a solid part of each other’s lives — with a shared routine and shared goals for the future — making it more difficult to adjust to a new life.

There’s also the fact that the longer you’re in a relationship, the closer and more interconnected you become as partners, Dr. Carla Marie Manly, clinical psychologist, and relationship expert, tells us. “On an emotional level, one key factor is that couples who are together longer are more likely to have experienced significant life events together — whether it be job changes, moving, illnesses, family issues, etc.”

Going through these things together forms bonds that become key elements within your psyches and the relationship itself, Manly says. You don’t just know each other, you really know each other, so the idea of no longer having that connection can be incredibly painful and disorienting.

young sad woman sit beside window with vintage filter effect

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To add to this, there’s all the growing you did as individuals, as well as a couple during this time. You’ve not only gone through a lot together but are entirely different people from who you were when you first met. “Even more so than five years, a decade is a transformative period of time,” Cook says. “Chances are, your life looks considerably different than it did 10 years ago and if you have a partner who has seen you through all of those seasons, it is a tremendous change.”

Maybe you grew up together, and went through a lot of firsts, like new jobs and big moves. Or maybe you helped each other overcome obstacles, in order to learn more about yourselves. While all of that is still true, and it still happened, it can be tough to look back on the time spent together. In many ways, when a breakup occurs, it might even feel like you’re losing all your memories, Manly says, and all that history.

Young interracial couple in the couch stressed with financial problems doing calculations with paper work

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To untangle your lives at this point can also be tough logistically. “Often, your finances have become merged, you may have shared a living situation, and your other relationships with friends and family are intermingled even more so than in a shorter-term relationship,” Cook says. “Rewiring all of this takes time and processing.” It may be a while before you settle into a groove again, or figure out how to move through life without each other.

Of course, it’s always possible to amicably part ways and feels ready to move on, no matter how long you’ve been together. But many times, “recovering from a breakup of a long-term relationship can take quite a lot of time, particularly if the breakup was sudden,” Manly says. “If one or both partners are resistant to the breakup or shocked by a toxic issue (e.g., infidelity), the adjustment and healing time may be significant.”

Whatever the case may be, if your relationship is ending after ten years, it’s possible to make it easier on yourself, usually by quite literally taking it easy. “Part of the recovery process includes adjusting to a new normal, which means knowing that things will not feel normal for quite some time,” Cook says. “The important thing is to engage in self-care strategies, including spending time with family and friends, picking up a hobby, and getting enough sleep, exercise, and proper nutrition.”

It may even help to chat with a therapist, as they can be “incredibly helpful in addressing underlying issues such as anger, sadness, and grief,” Manly says. You can also talk with friends and mentors about your emotions and progress, she says, and any sense of “stuckness” you may be feeling.

Breaking up after only a few years together can be extremely difficult, but make it to that ten-year mark and you may find that it’s even trickier to part ways, and find your footing again. Since the process will likely be different, be sure to take your time, talk about it, process your feelings, and you will eventually be able to adjust.

 

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1