‘Is 55 Too Old to Go on Tinder?’ What Dating Looks Like for the Middle-Aged

Here’s an interesting contribution from one of my readers!

I’ve been fielding a lot of questions about dating apps lately. There are 2 a.m. texts like: “Is 55 too old to go on Tinder?” And existential laments like: “I thought I was just leafing through photos but it turns out I was swiping yes, yes, yes, when I wanted to say maybe, maybe, maybe. Isn’t there any room for ambiguity? Not even an option to ‘save for later?”

All good questions, though I don’t have the answers. I have no experience with Tinder or any of the swiping apps—I only made it to the browser-based era of online dating. But as the first person in my friend group to divorce, nearly 10 years ago, I’m the prime confidante for questions too embarrassing to ask the happily coupled.

But I might be relieved of those duties now that we finally have an elder stateswoman of mid-life dating: Candace Bushnell, creator of Sex and the City—the book and series that tackled all the uncomfortable dilemmas of 30-something single women in the 1990s—is back with a new book and upcoming Netflix series that asks, Is There Still Sex in the City? And while she doesn’t bring back Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte, or Samantha, it feels a bit like we’re at brunch with middle-aged versions of those archetypes, and they’re still talking about love and sex because, well, of course.

The book, part memoir, part fiction, is a guide to the Ides of 50, a stage of life when kids depart (along with most of the local estrogen), marriages teeter, and normally accommodating women stop being so accommodating. And because things are way more complicated now, they may also find themselves trying to figure out how to swipe maybe on a 27-year-old programmer from Connecticut.

Much like in the original SATC, Bushnell and her friends experience every romantic possibility so we don’t have to—from being courted by cubs (young men who pursue older women) to dating wealthy septuagenarians who think 59 is a bit old for them. She writes about re-dating an ex decades later and a laser procedure called the MonaLisa Touch that is supposed to rejuvenate a woman’s sex life like Viagra, except that it hurts and is almost never covered by insurance. You can hear Sarah Jessica Parker’s voice in Bushnell’s as she asks a new set of Carrie-esque questions: “Are -middle-aged women now catnip for younger men?” “Was Tinder an app for people that hated themselves?”

Bushnell, now 60, also touches on poignant aspects of what she calls “middle-aged madness”: the death of a parent, the isolation of divorce, the ache of realizing that even the most gorgeous among us will eventually become invisible.

Until recently, when we saw women in some midlife drama, it usually involved Diane Keaton in a gauzy romance set against a tasteful backdrop. No one was getting ghosted on Bumble at 49 with absolutely no explanation.

A slew of recent movies gets at the lighter side of midlife madness. Wine Country, directed by Amy Poehler and released this past spring, sees a group of old friends travel to Napa for a 50th birthday only to discover that no one escapes middle age unscathed. It has some hilarious moments, but it’s no Sideways, the 2004 Oscar-winning Napa road-trip film that was not only funny but also piercing and sad. I hate to say it, but many male midlife crisis films are often less earnest and take more fruitful risks, and we need more of that in stories about women.

And that brings me to the next beat in the 50-plus women genre: Otherhood, a good-hearted Netflix film that debuts this month. It’s about three friends, played by Patricia Arquette, Angela Bassett, and Felicity Huffman, who must rekindle their identities, separate from their roles as mothers, now that their children are adults. Arquette tells TIME she cherished the opportunity to play a mom at this stage: “I haven’t had a lot of chances to do material where the leads are all women, talking about friendship and parenting with a female director and producer.” (Director Cindy Chupack won an Emmy for her work on Sex and the City.) But Arquette really lights up when she talks about something apart from her role as a mom—her work pushing for the Equal Rights Amendment. And that’s the problem with the film: we already know these three mom archetypes too well. This is in contrast to Gloria Bell, released earlier this year and starring Julianne Moore, which gets at the complexities of existing in the in-between of young and old, a parent but not so needed, attractive but with sexual irrelevance in view.

Otherhood was also overshadowed by news of Huffman’s bout of real-life middle-aged madness when she admitted to paying $15,000 to get her daughter into college with faked achievements. The irony is that the real-life story might be a more powerful tale about mothers who need to separate from their children. It made us cringe, in part because we’ve all done things—albeit less egregious things—to help our kids, only to realize later we’d gone too far. It can be easier to see the truth in extremes.

I welcome Bushnell’s new series, so long as it’s brave enough to take us to those outer edges of female longing, insecurity, vanity, brilliance and connection. That was, after all, the beauty of the original. The SATC women were not subtle creatures. Most of us don’t have 600 pairs of shoes, nor have we left a man at the altar, but we viscerally understood Carrie’s self-destructive obsession with both the shoes and the man. And while it’s common for us to choose one of the four characters as our avatar, in many ways we are all of them at once. The challenge for the new incarnation is to be as open and complex about post-menopausal life as the last one was about everything that comes before.

Bushnell and her co-creators would do well to take a page from Season 2 of BBC’s Fleabag, which features a now Emmy-nominated guest spot from Kristin Scott Thomas. Her character gives a raw and riveting soliloquy about female aging and the liberation that comes with it. Afterward, young Fleabag, on the receiving end, says she’d been told menopause was horrendous. Thomas answers with a wink: “It is horrendous. But then it’s magnificent.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Why You’re Failing At Online Dating (And The One Trick That Attracts Love)

One change can make all the difference.

You may be surprised to find out why online dating sites aren’t working for you. It’s not creeps sexting you pictures of their junk, it’s not gold-diggers out for free meals, it’s not married people secretly looking for a little action on the side, and it’s not scammers or catfish preying on lonely people in an attempt to extort money.

I’ve heard all the horror stories in my work as a relationship coach. Despite the dark side of looking for love with online dating, the reality might shock you even more because it’s unexpected.

What’s the real reason online dating isn’t working for you?

The truth is no matter what your experience or back story, the main reason dating sites don’t work for the majority of people is simple: it’s ineffective or poorly developed profiles. That’s the shock of it.

Many of the struggles are self-inflicted. Now, if that sentence offends you at all, that may be a clue for you to pay special attention. I didn’t say it’s all your fault or that you somehow deserve to suffer; on the contrary, I do this work because everyone deserves to feel more loved than they’ve felt before — and that includes you.

The reality is, one-third of all new marriages began with an online date, so there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever that online dating does work. But here’s the other interesting statistic: only about 20 percent of online daters say it’s working for them, which is defined by whether they’re dating, in a relationship, engaged, or married as a result.

If you do the quick and simple math there, that means that 80 percent of online daters are not getting the result they think they’re paying for on those sites. Too many really great people are getting frustrated and starting to doubt themselves because they might not be great writers or understand one other critical distinction that makes all the difference.

Let me explain.

Your dating profile is an advertisement. That’s because its job is to get attention, cause engagement, pique curiosity, create a favorable impression and generate a response. If your profile fails at any single one of those jobs, you fail. Game over. No click? No date. No intrigue? No sale.

The difference between a good ad and a bad ad is simple. A good ad works and gets a response, which is the intended result; a bad ad gets ignored and is a tremendous waste of time, money, and resources.

Remember, we’re talking about 80 percent of millions of people. There are a lot of great catches slipping through those nets every day and I want to change that.

The specific problem with most dating profiles is that they lack a cohesive and coherent message, so it’s no surprise that potential partners lose the thread or check out early.

That’s an automatic fail. If someone can’t get a “take away,” they will tend to “go away.”

Rather than offering crystal clarity about what the writer brings to the table for their partner, instead, they focus on self-serving, pointless, and unconvincing recitations of their own demands. That sounds more like a ransom letter than a love note to the partner you haven’t yet met, doesn’t it?

Is it any wonder that’s not working? If it wouldn’t work with you, why do you think someone else might be intrigued by that approach? 

With all due respect, do you think the fact that you’re a guy who loves sports or a woman who loves jeans and a cute little black cocktail dress really makes you stand out from the crowd? Come on! You can’t really expect to get attention if your profile blends in and sounds like every other profile, can you?

Your dating profile is failing — just like 80 percent of them do — because it’s missing some key ingredients that people need in order to see you as a viable, potential partner.

The bottom line? There’s no reason to throw away good money on dating sites when you can throw away your old, ineffective dating profile instead. What have you got to lose but your own frustration or loneliness?

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

How to Successfully Get A Date on Tinder: Learn How Tinder Actually Works and Put a Check Mark on Your List

Believe it or not, gentleman’s rules actually apply to Tinder! Even though you may think that Tinder is just another form of social media, it is better to think of Tinder as an actual dating platform instead of a cyber-connection between two strangers with the use of a simple app. Well, women are the same either way, but they tend to be able to put a little more thought into whom they would want to be on Tinder since they aren’t under any pressure of the environment. If men think that the majority of women on Tinder are easy, it may be best to think again!

Here are a few tips to get women on Tinder:

Make sure to be eye-catching

Do not forget that you get to pick as well, which is why your profile should be given a little more thought instead, and instead of putting up a picture of you chilling with your bros, why not put a picture that attracts your type of woman? If the type of woman you like is adventurous, put pictures of you doing crazy stuff like mountain climbing, swimming, or whatever it may be that you enjoy. If you are more into the conversational type of women, try to make your picture a little bit more melancholic and minimalistic to spark conversation regarding the mystery of your profile.

Put some thought into your photo choices

It would be nice to have an eye-catching first picture, and as the women try to search your other photos, they unravel different parts of your personality. The best way for you to get your ideal girl is to know what your ideal girl wants! Attraction begets attraction, so find some tips to make your photos stand out a little more. Limit yourself to at least four or five photos to avoid being a showoff. If ever you want to show your other pictures, link your Tinder profile to your Instagram profile.

Watch your description

Once again, your description should attract the type of women you want, which is why putting up the right description can increase the chances of you getting the girl that you want to swipe right! Tinder limits the number of characters you see unless you click the picture to view the full profile. This is a great opportunity for you to showcase what kind of person you are. Stop introducing yourself as blah blah blah with this height, working at this job, enjoying these kinds of things, and etc. Try to think of something ecstatic and something that sparks a discussion.

Be a catch at first glance.

A great example of this would be “Apples are better than oranges, prove me wrong,” something that invites conversation is always a good description as it allows you to take control of the conversation and put a check mark on the list of things you have to prepare yourself for. The entire conversation is up to you now! Have fun on Tinder!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Bumble Dating App Trips Up Another Capitol Riot Suspect

Bumble always was better than tinder…

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/bumble-dating-app-trips-another-capitol-riot-suspect-n1274918

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

If You Miss Using Dating Apps Now That You’re In A Relationship, Here’s What To Do

After all of that swiping, matching, chatting, and meeting, you’ve finally landed yourself a keeper. You’re in a relationship with a great person, but sometimes, you still miss using dating apps. You may be wondering whether having the occasional urge to swipe is something you should be concerned about, which is a totally valid question. It turns out that there are a number of reasons why you might miss dating apps. The explanation may be as simple as you’re easily bored and you miss having a mindless activity to distract yourself with, or it could be more complicated — and could potentially be an indicator that you’re unhappy with some aspect of your relationship.

I spoke to Dr. QuaVaundra Perry, a licensed psychologist who specializes in couples’ therapy and relationship distress. She explains that there are a few things to consider if you’re in a relationship but find that you miss dating apps. She provided a list of questions to ask yourself, which, when answered honestly, can help determine if there is an unresolved issue within yourself or your relationship. Before you start to panic, you should ask yourself the following four questions. Then, evaluate your answers based on Dr. Perry’s expert advice.

1. What is it about dating apps that you miss?

Stocksy/Guille Faingold

This is the first and most important question to ask yourself, according to Dr. Perry. She explains that the specific type of dating app that you miss can help shed some light on your situation.

“If you miss being on sites aimed to connect people looking for long-term relationships, it may mean you are unfulfilled with respect to your partner’s goals and values,” says Dr. Perry. “However, if you miss being on dating apps that are designed to promote casual sexual hookups, it may indicate unfulfilled sexual desires in your current relationship or differing views on monogamy.”

Depending on which category you fall into, you may need to have a serious conversation with your partner about your needs that are not getting met, and how this could impact your future together.

2. When and why did you use dating apps?

Stocksy/Javier Pardina

It’s also important to evaluate when and why you visited dating apps or sites in the past because that can help explain the reasons behind your current urges to get back on them.

“Do you notice that you browse the sites mindlessly out of habit when you are bored or do you visit the sites when you feel rejected and alone?” says Dr. Perry. The former isn’t as big of an issue as the latter and can be more easily addressed and rectified. Consider downloading a few games on your phone. That way you can still be entertained, but without any consequences in terms of your relationship.

3. Are you happy in your relationship?

Stocksy/T-REX & Flower

“Another issue can be taming the mindset of finding the one,'” says Dr. Perry. “Oftentimes people are happy in their relationship but may feel compelled to continue using dating apps in case they are missing out on the perfect mate. Do you find yourself browsing out of curiosity?”

This is a common obstacle to finding a relationship on a dating app or at least getting someone to fully commit. It’s not out of the ordinary to question whether there is someone else out there for you who might be “better” than your current partner. This question of “What if?” may explain your reluctance to stop swiping.

4. Are you secure with yourself?

Stocksy/Studio Firma

Finally, ask yourself whether you are secure and confident in yourself. How is your self-esteem? Do you tend to get your confidence boosts through compliments from other people, or does that love come from within? This may be the hardest question to answer honestly, but it’s so important.

“At times, you may find yourself missing dating apps because it gave you a sense of validation and attention, even if short-lived,” says Dr. Perry. “It may be worth exploring whether you are looking outward for comfort and praise that can only be fulfilled within.”

There are a number of possible explanations why you might feel the need to use dating apps even though you’re in a committed relationship. Before you act rashly, though, consider what is missing from your relationship — and whether your current partner is able to help meet those needs.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1