8 Fundamental Ways Being Cheated on Changes You

For the worse … and for the better.

Catching your husband or wife cheating on you changes everything about your relationship. How could it not?

“The psychology of infidelity is actually quite complex, much more than the current moralistic conversation about it where people are ‘good’, ‘bad’ or ‘flawed’, therefore dismissed as damaged goods attempts to dispel the cliché myth that ‘once a cheater always a cheater.’”

If you want to fix your broken relationship and save your marriage, it is possible. And the path back to a healthy relationship begins with each partner seeking to understand both the cheating spouse’s reasons for having an affair, as well as the ways in which the betrayed husband or wife has been changed forever as a result.

By taking such an approach, couples can reach a place of healing — and even redemption — with insight and wisdom, regardless of whether or not they ultimately stay together.

The ways infidelity changes you depend not only on who you and your spouse were before the affair, but who you are both committed to becoming once it’s out in the open.

No matter what circumstances led to the affair, no one in its wake will be left unscathed. Yes, that goes for the cheating wife or husband, as well.

There are always reasons, not excuses, why men and women cheat.

If you have been betrayed by your spouse, you’re painfully aware of the many ways their infidelity has changed you already.

But if you are the betrayer, you may not have thought through full impact your actions would have on your spouse and your family, let alone the lasting consequences you’ll face throughout your own life.

The effects of infidelity run the gamut from emotional to physical to neurological. The agony of a broken heart and broken trust isn’t only in your head — it lives and breathes in your body, too.

Here are 8 ways catching your husband or wife cheating fundamentally changes you on an emotional, physical, and neurological level.

1. Your self-esteem and self-worth are shattered

You wonder why you weren’t “good enough” and why someone else was “better”.

Because your self-esteem is destroyed, you start looking for things you may have done to cause your cheating wife or husband to stray. Surely, you believe, it must have been something you did or didn’t do.

2. You feel stupid

You start wondering how you didn’t see the affair coming, and how you can ever trust your own instincts again.

3. You lose your ability to trust

The affair is always in the back of your mind. Even if you stay together, your trust isn’t as unencumbered and naturally given as it once was.

4. You’re afraid to love again

The prospect of either falling in love again with someone else or staying with your spouse is frightening. You never want to give your power to someone again.

Because you’re afraid to let your guard down, the world becomes a less happy and promising place in which to live. Holding onto the notion of love is a challenge because you now associate it with unbearable pain.

5. Your brain takes a beating

Neuroscience has shown that the rejection from infidelity has both short and long-term consequences to brain chemistry.

Since feelings of love activate the release of dopamine in the brain, causing “a pleasurable experience similar to the euphoria associated with the use of cocaine or alcohol”, being cut off by the dagger of infidelity may impact neural pathways in similar ways.

6. You experience physical pain

The emotional experience becomes integrated into the physical experience, and you hurt … everywhere.

7. You can’t stop obsessing

Studies show that women are more prone to rumination than men, constantly replaying all the possible causes, scenarios, and consequences of the affair.

They are also more inclined than men to feel somehow responsible for trouble within romantic relationships in general.

8. Your eyes are opened

Despite how infidelity changes you negatively, it also affords you clarity after the shock and anger are mitigated. You begin to see what you may have ignored, and learn how you make choices in mates.

Research has show that this is likely to lead you to make better choices in future relationships.

According to Craig Morris, research associate at Binghamton University and lead author of the study:

“Our thesis is that the woman who ‘loses’ her mate to another woman will go through a period of post-relationship grief and betrayal, but come out of the experience with higher mating intelligence that allows her to better detect cues in future mates that may indicate low mate value. Hence, in the long-term, she ‘wins … The ‘other woman,’ conversely, is now in a relationship with a partner who has a demonstrated history of deception and, likely, infidelity. Thus, in the long-term, she ‘loses.'”

Ultimately, how your partner’s infidelity changes you is, of course, your decision.

There are plenty of individuals and marriages that heal and become stronger and more vital than they were before.

That’s not to say, obviously, that infidelity is a viable consideration for marital improvement and personal growth, but recognizing the many ways infidelity can change you will help both spouses recover from the painful aftermath of an affair.

And, hopefully, greater awareness upfront will take the consideration of infidelity off the table altogether.

 

3 Lessons I Learned from Ending My Toxic Relationship

Here’s one from one of my female readers. I thought it was worth sharing.

Take it away, Serena.

My mother always told me I’d have to kiss a few frogs before I found my prince. What she didn’t tell me was that one of the said frogs would humiliate, manipulate and otherwise crush me through a years-long cycle of lying and cheating. At the time (my junior year of college, when I was still a half-formed shell of a person), it seemed inconceivable that any good would come out of that experience. But looking back on the toxicity of the relationship now, I realize I learned some valuable lessons that have given me a unique perspective on which red flags to look out for. I’m sharing them here in the hopes that you leave sooner than I did.

Listen to Your Gut—It’s Probably Right

When we first started dating, it was slow and measured rather than hot and heavy—it took months of him wooing me and wearing me down before I was receptive to his advances. Why the hesitation? For starters, a faint whiff of misogyny hung over him like a cloud. (His bedroom wall was collaged with Sports Illustrated models, ugh.) I knew from the way he talked about his upbringing that we had different values long before we got into it. From the very beginning, there was a tiny voice in my head saying this isn’t right; this isn’t the person for you. But I was 20 years old: I was flattered, I wanted to be wanted and I wanted to throw caution to the wind. Eventually, I caved. But in the back of my mind, I knew there was darkness going into the situation. I think we all do—in our gut—when placed in those scenarios, and it’s not something to brush off as I did.

Fool Me Once, Shame On You. Fool Me Twice, Shame On Me

I took him back twice. Or was it three times? He was a master manipulator, always knowing what to say to make me feel like I was the one in the wrong. For example, we had been seeing each other for six months (and had swapped “I love you’s,” mind you) when I found out that he had slept with someone else on the same night I had been with him and left early to study. His excuse? We had never had a clear exclusivity discussion. (As if that excuses that kind of grade-A jerk behavior.) This set a precedent that still makes me wince: When he lied or said cruel things, I rationalized them as being my fault, too. The fact that he treated me so badly became this embarrassing hurdle to overcome; I wanted to make him happy to prove to myself that I could do it. (I’m not proud of this.) By the second time we blew up (cheating, again) I knew better than to take him back. Second chances are a part of life—but you should never have to offer a third.

The Only Way Out Is Cold Turkey

The official end came on the heels of my semester abroad. He’d called me every night I was away, guilting me about my absence…but when I got home, I found out that he’d simultaneously been having a relationship with a second girlfriend. At this point, none of his behavior surprised me—and it became painfully clear that the only way out was out. After fleeing campus and returning home, I called him, with my best friend holding my hand, and let him have it. Despite his pleading and many, many moments of weakness where I almost reached out to see how he was doing after the breakup, I held my ground. As a result, I got over him in just a few months’ time. For anyone leaving a toxic relationship, I cannot stress this enough: There has to be a clean, full break. There’s too much room for error otherwise.

 

5 Things I Learned After My Husband Cheated on Me

Here’s another post from one of my female readers. I think it’s worth sharing. Take it away, Jill!

I have something to confess: people whom you trust blindly can even deceive you in a span of seconds. I have been married to a man for almost years now. We had an unhappy yet satisfying marriage. Things took a turn when I got to know that he had thrown himself into an affair.

I couldn’t believe for months that the love of my life could cheat on me. Being cheated sucks big time. It doesn’t matter how miserable my marriage was – finding out, the person I loved would betray me – was nothing less than a nightmare.

It was as if cheating on me wasn’t enough. He left me for his girlfriend and married her after 2 years – cherry on the top, they are expecting their first child now. Trust me, this is not an experience you’d be willing to go through.

Do you want your forever to last? Here are some hard-earned lessons that I came across when my whole world crumbled to pieces.

Don’t Blame Yourself

If your husband cheated on you is it your fault? No. You are not to blame for his infidelity. It was a unilateral decision that he made – a choice which was made without your consent. His behavior was a very clear reflection of how he was as a person.

Sometimes, I thought that he left me because I wasn’t good enough. You’ll realize it soon that cheating has nothing to do with appearance, money or education. Stop being guilty.

Material things don’t matter. What’s significant is how you feel in each other’s company. Your husband found joy with someone else, so why blame yourself for it?!

Get Over It

Leave your past behind. Try to bring all the positive vibes that help you move on and get wiser to handle relationships in the future. I was distrustful of everyone initially, but with time I have tried to adjust myself and I have started accepting things.

You cannot remain sad and distressed your whole life. You may plan to look for a job. The best thing is to keep yourself busy so that you don’t have time to think about your traumatizing past.

Know Your Worth

I was in a marriage, where I was willing to give away all I had. But if someone doesn’t value you it’s out of your self-control. Don’t let go of your self-respect for the sake of a happy marriage. I wouldn’t recommend it at all.

Always know your worth! There is no point in staying with a person if it’s an abusive relationship. Try to consult a family law firm if you’ve decided to part ways with your partner. I, for one, realized I’m planting water to a dead flower.

Don’t Force Him to Stay

I made the mistake of forcing my husband to stay in the marriage even when he didn’t want to. There’s no point staying in an unwanted marriage.

Divorce is considered to be taboo in a community. But it’s better to let him go if he wants that. You’d be heartbroken initially but you’ll learn to cope up with life.

If he doesn’t want to stay, he has nothing to lose by negotiating with you. Don’t stoop low by clinging on to him. Forcing things on your spouse would just complicate things in the future.

Forgive and Forget

There will always be these two opinions. Sometimes, you’d think it’s okay to forgive him despite what he did to you. Or, you may go with the flow and leave things for God to decide. Forgiving your spouse will help you move on with life. The trust will come later.

If he’s really guilty, you may forgive him this one time and try to rebuild your relationship with your partner. For me, I always believed that it’s better to be alone rather than to be cheated on.

If you don’t want to forgive your partner, that’s your personal choice. It takes time to heal. It took me years to get past the melodrama, but I had my whole life ahead of me. That was the only reason I decided to forgive him and start afresh with him.

Have you internalized your feelings of rejection? Don’t close yourself from the faucet of truth. You definitely are worthy, important and able. You might want to devote your whole existence to the person you love but that existence may come crashing down.

Everything happens for a reason and only you so have a choice to grow from experiences.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

15 Early Red Flags Girls Usually Ignore (+ 5 We Definitely Shouldn’t)

There are a few common red flags that tend to appear in relationships, and most of us know how to identify the majority of them. But then there are those warning signs that don’t appear all that bad at first.

There are also those that might actually seem like positives in the beginning, and so we ignore them. Unfortunately, ignoring red flags only leads to problems.

Red flags foreshadow behavior that becomes even worse as time goes on, so the sooner we pick up on the fact that someone isn’t good for us, the better.

It’s time to learn what warning signs to look out for in a partner! Check out these 15 red flags that girls usually ignore, and 5 that we never should overlook.

20 Red Flag: Always Talking About His Ex

Digital Trends

It should definitely be a red flag if a guy can’t stop talking about his ex. You might brush it off as him simply letting off some steam, but if he keeps ranting about the ex, then the ex is still very much on his mind.

A lot of the time, these kinds of guys are on the rebound.

19 Red Flag: Making Her Feel Jealous When She’s Not Normally

Magicpin

Sometimes jealousy comes down to our own insecurities that we project onto other people, and other times jealousy happens because other people purposely do things to mess with our minds.

If a guy clearly does things to make you feel jealous, and like you might lose him at any time, that’s a red flag.

18 Red Flag: She Has To ‘Edit’ Things About Their Relationship When Talking To Her Friends

Film Doo

Pay attention to how you recount your relationship to your friends. If you’re always censoring and editing things out, ask yourself why.

Are there things going on in your relationship that the people who care about you wouldn’t approve of? If there are, it normally means that you shouldn’t approve of them either.

17 Red Flag: Comparing Her To Other People In His Life (In A Negative Way)

Booklover’s Haven

It doesn’t feel good to always be compared with other people. It’s not a good sign if the guy you’re seeing always measures you up against his exes, or his friends’ girlfriends, or worse, his mom.

You’re your own person, and you don’t have to live up to somebody else. You’re enough on your own!

16 Red Flag: Blaming Her For Everything That Goes Wrong

Vox

There are two sides to every story, and sooner or later, we all mess up in relationships. If he blames you for every little thing that goes wrong, that’s pretty telling behavior.

It shows that he can’t take responsibility for his own actions and likes to shift the blame onto other people.

15 Red Flag: Being Unable To Argue Respectfully

ScoopWhoop

Being able to argue with respect is key in a relationship. Eventually, a couple will always fight, which is why being able to argue in a way that’s not harmful to your overall relationship is so important.

It’s a red flag if he totally loses the plot every time you disagree about something and takes days to recover from a small difference of opinion.

14 Red Flag: Saying Hurtful Things And Calling Them Jokes

ScoopWhoop

The truth is often hidden beneath the guise of a joke. If your partner likes to say things that hurt your feelings and avoid responsibility by saying they’re just jokes, it says a lot about him and his level of respect for you.

If you’ve told him how they make you feel and he persists, consider it a major red flag.

13 Red Flag: Allowing Friends To Treat Her Badly

Seventeen Magazine

It’s sad when relationships come between friends, but it’s even sadder when your partner’s friends aren’t nice to you and he does nothing about it. If you’re in a relationship with him, then he should stick up for you at all times.

If his friends aren’t quality people, you might ask what sort of person he is to relate to them in the first place.

12 Red Flag: Never Paying For Anything

StudioBinder

We don’t agree that the responsibility should always pay on the guy to pay for everything. This isn’t the 1950s anymore!

But at the same time, if he’s sitting back and expecting you to pay for everything, it’s not a promising sign. This is the behavior or a user or freeloader.

11 Red Flag: Constantly Being Late

Shadow and Act

Being late might not seem like a big deal, but when it happens over and over again, it can reveal a lot about a guy’s personality. If he’s always making you wait, then the chances are he doesn’t respect your time and doesn’t value your feelings.

We’re all late sometimes, but when it’s a routine thing, it becomes a red flag.

10 Red Flag: Being Entitled To Things From Her

It’s a huge red flag when a guy acts entitled to things from you. This is especially true if he’s only ever nice when he wants something in return.

If he reminds you that he paid for dinner, so you should be going home with him tonight even if you don’t really feel like it, it may be time to re-evaluate your relationship.

9 Red Flag: Dismissing Her Feelings

The New York Times

Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be in a relationship where your partner acknowledges this, just like you would acknowledge that their feelings are valid.

It’s a red flag when you tell him how you’re feeling and he simply tells you to “get over it” or something equally as infuriating.

8 Red Flag: Being In A Relationship For All His Adult Life

The Vore

This isn’t necessarily a red flag, but it can be. If a guy bounces from relationship to relationship, he’s with a new partner every few months and he’s never single, it likely shows that he doesn’t know how to be alone. Or, he’s afraid to be alone.

Being reliant on relationships like this comes with an array of problems and should be a red flag.

7 Red Flag: Always Having Something Negative To Say About Her Friends/Family

Vogue

None of our families or friends are perfect, but part of being in a relationship is putting up with the people in your partner’s life (unless you have a great reason not to).

If he’s always dissing your family and friends, it could be the start of him turning you against them and isolating you.

6 Red Flag: Refusing To Discuss The Future

Vogue

If you’ve been together for a reasonable amount of time and he still refuses to discuss the future, it’s not a good sign. This could mean that he doesn’t envision a future with you or he’s afraid of a commitment.

When he’s just a fling, it isn’t a big deal. But if you’re in what you think is a long-term relationship, then it is.

5 Don’t Ignore: She Leaves Him Feeling Bad

Movie News

The whole point of a relationship is that it enhances your life experience. It shouldn’t complete you or be the one thing that makes you happy, but it should make you happier.

If your partner puts you in a bad mood every time you see him, something’s not right. And chances are it will get worse.

4 Don’t Ignore: Being Prone To Uncontrollable Emotional Outbursts

Washington Post

We can all lose control of our emotions every now and then. But if you notice that he’s constantly having major emotional outbursts (think a child having a tantrum), it’s not a good sign.

Being unable to control emotions like anger could mean that he’s more likely to become physical with you in the future.

3 Don’t Ignore: Making Threats

Vulture

Threats are never okay in a relationship. Your connection should be about love and trust, not ultimatums and living in a state of fear.

Even if he only makes threats about the little things, it should still be a red flag. The little things tend to get bigger over time.

2 Don’t Ignore: Treating Other People Poorly

Pinterest

You can tell a lot about a person by the way they treat people that they don’t have to be nice to.

He might be nice to you because he’s dating you, but if he’s rude to the wait staff or even strangers on the street, he’s probably not the nicest person.

1 Don’t Ignore: Being Controlling In The Name Of Love

Vic & Walter Thiessen – On Movies…

Love is not about control. It’s a huge red flag if he tries to control you in the name of love, even he starts by trying to gain control of the little things.

As an adult, you have the right to make your own decisions, and anybody trying to control you doesn’t genuinely have your best interests at heart.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

‘Micro-cheating’ is the new dating trend you need to know about

As if the world of dating wasn’t complicated enough, it’s now been revealed your partner could be cheating on you by doing something some might consider relatively harmless.

The concept of cheating is pretty straightforward; when someone in a relationship strays away from home. Yet now, experts at eHarmony and telling us to look out for a partner ‘micro-cheating on you too.

The dating website defines ‘micro-cheating as “a term which encompasses smaller, albeit questionable acts” from a partner.

Think like the social media posts of someone else you’re attracted to, or sliding into their DMs, something tech-savvy millennials seems to feel most strongly about.

“Advances in technology and the multitude of available platforms means that people often feel there is an endless choice. This choice can sometimes lead people to make toxic decisions,” eHarmony dating expert Rachael Lloyd revealed.

“It might start with a bit of flirting online and build towards full-blown emotional affairs in the digital environment. The fallout from these situations can be as devastating as a physical affair.”

She added that a couple of Instagram likes here and there might not seem so bad but it’s the intent behind them you need to consider.

Rachael also suggests setting clear boundaries as soon as possible in a new relationship, so your partner isn’t surprised when you challenge them on being too friendly with others online.

“The modern dating world can be a minefield, but clear communication can really help,” she added.

Why do people cheat?

According to relationship expert Michelle Rose, there are a number of reasons why men and women choose to cheat, with a big one being that they try to destroy what they don’t feel worthy of having in the first place.

“If they’ve got a belief that they’re not really worthy, that they’re not really enough, then they will destroy it because we’ll always live up to our beliefs and our identity,” she told Yahoo Lifestyle previously.

“The closer they get towards love, the more likely they are to do something crazy and destroy it when they actually don’t believe they have it in the first place. Even though externally they’ve got it, they will destroy it.”

Michelle believes that love is one of the biggest fears of the human race because it is a reflection of who we really are.

“The energy of love is so unfamiliar for a lot of people that when they start to go deep they’ll stuff it up, they’ll do something. Because they can only handle the superficial,” she said.

Woman touching the wedding ring on her finger nervously while having coffee and waiting in a cafe.

Relationship expert Louanne Ward claims people can be addicted to love and sex and have no idea that their actions are leaving a trail of destruction and broken hearts behind them.

She added people are often genuinely shocked and heartbroken to discover their spouse has been unfaithful yet, in many cases, there were a number of key signs they simply failed to see.

She recommends looking out for signs of ‘change in behavior’, such as your partner ‘staying back at work late more often than before, having a renewed interest in their appearance, unexplained and secretive social media activity or any other new and different activity that could and should have your radar alerted’.

“Most people will have an inner sense that things are not quite the same and may question their partner about their suspicions,” she said.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1