How Important Is Chemistry In A Relationship? 7 Signs Your Connection May Not Last, According To Experts

Meeting someone you feel a strong connection to doesn’t happen every day. So when it does happen, it’s easy to get excited and feel like maybe you’ve finally met your soulmate. But according to experts, having a strong connection with someone doesn’t always guarantee that your relationship is going to last.

“Having an intense connection can be great, but that connection can lead to couples having high expectations of each other and the relationship,” Jeannie Assimos, eharmony’s chief of advice, tells Bustle. There’s nothing wrong with having expectations. According to Assimos, it makes the relationship that much better when they’re met. But if your expectations are unrealistic, you run the risk of disappointment or adopting habits that aren’t really healthy for a relationship.

For instance, great chemistry can reel you in and keep you attached. But your relationship won’t last, if it lacks a strong foundation. Great sexual chemistry and good conversations may only get you so far. You need to know that your partner also has your back and is committed to working on building a healthy relationship with you.

“If you don’t feel your partner has your back when the chips are down, you [likely] won’t make it for the long haul,” Christine Scott-Hudson, marriage and family therapist and owner of Create Your Life Studio, tells Bustle, “Your relational foundation should be so solid that if the winds and the rains come, you won’t wash away.”

So here are some signs that a strong connection doesn’t guarantee your relationship may last, according to experts.

1. You’re So Protective Over Each Other That It’s Almost Possessive

Relationships, secrecy, jealousy and infidelity concept. Suspicious jealous beautiful young dark-skinned female looking over her boyfriend's shoulder with curious expression, suspect of his betrayal

Shutterstock

Jealousy in a relationship is normal. Knowing how to work through feelings of jealousy is the best way to maintain a healthy and well-balanced dynamic. But if one or both partners grow so jealous of who else the other is spending time with or who they’re talking to, Assimos says it just screams red flag. “A relationship that’s built on such toxic feelings won’t last,” she says.

Jealousy can lead to controlling behavior and one partner feeling smothered by the other. If you get easily jealous, take a step back and ask yourself why. If it’s an issue of trust, you may need to have an open discussion with your partner about what needs to be done so you feel more secure in the relationship.

2. You Started The Relationship Off By Making Your Partner The Center Of Your World

Having an intense connection with someone can put you in fantasy-mode. All of your focus and attention may be on your partner to the point that they become the center of your world. But that’s not the kind of thing that creates a solid foundation. While there’s nothing wrong with being excited about someone early on, they shouldn’t take over your life.

“In real life, there are bills to pay, kids to nurture, and trash that needs to be taken out,” Dr. Caroline Madden, Ph.D., licensed marriage and family therapist and author, tells Bustle. “Eventually, the fun and excitement will give way to the real work of a relationship.”

If your partner isn’t willing to put in the work after the newness has started to fade, your relationship likely won’t last. Building a foundation before going all-in emotionally is the best way to know that you’re investing in the right partner.

3. You Take Everything Your Partner Says Or Does Very Personally

Quarreled young lesbian couple at home

Shutterstock

A big part of having an intense connection in a relationship is the emotions you feel for your partner. “This should be a factor in every relationship,” Assimos says. “But if one or both partners are becoming increasingly sensitive in how they’re feeling about the other, it will start to distract from the loving nature that relationships should revolve around.”

When you have a strong connection with someone, their moods and behaviors can affect you deeply. For instance, if they start getting distant, it can immediately cause you to panic and may start doing whatever you can to “fix” the problem. When they’re mad about something, you may automatically assume they’re mad at you. When you take things too personally, it can cause you to act in ways that can turn your partner off. The best way to deal with this is to just have empathy for your partner, be supportive, and not assume to know what your partner is really thinking.

4. There Are Trust Issues

If you’re constantly suspicious about what what your partner is doing or what their true motives are, your relationship likely won’t last. Even if you have a strong connection with someone, trust issues will get in the way of your relationship. If there are trust issues, Shannon Wiggins, LCSWA, psychotherapist who specializes in marital and family counseling, tells Bustle, “One of two things are prone to happen: The accused partner will grow tired of being accused and throw in the towel or the accusing partner will burn themselves out trying to prove the indiscretions of their partner.” Talking with your partner is the first thing you should do. But if your trust issues are deeply rooted in past situations, therapy can also be helpful.

5. You Hold A Lot Of Things Back

Couple with problems in relationship in bed

Shutterstock

Open and honest communication is key to relationship success. But if you feel uncomfortable talking to your partner about important issues, or you feel the need to hold things back in order to keep your relationship in a good place, you may not make it.

“Communication is the way we express our needs to one another,” Wiggins says. “If you and your partner are unable to properly communicate, chances are, neither of you are getting your needs met.”

When your needs aren’t being met, you’re likely building up resentment. Ideally, you and your partner should be communicating often. If you really can’t express yourself without feeling judged or your partner threatening to end things, they may not be the right partner for you.

6. Your Fights Always Get Really Intense

“Some people believe arguing with your partner is a sign of passion and that you care very strongly for each other,” Wiggins says. But that’s not really true. Arguing can be healthy; it gives you a chance to air out your feelings and work on a solution together. But according to Wiggins, constant arguing is often a product of a communication issue or a blatant refusal to compromise. “Either way, it’s difficult to sustain a relationship,” she says.

Learning how to actively listen to your partner without giving any input until they’re finished can be helpful. But if your fights get mean and personal, that shows a lack of respect for each other. There may be no going back from that.

7. Your Core Values Don’t Line Up

Disappointed wife not getting attention from husband

Shutterstock

If you want your relationship to last, you need to make sure your core values are aligned. “Our core values dictate how we view the world and what we see as right or wrong,” Wiggins says. “Behaving in ways that go against our core values provoke discomfort in us. If being with your partner causes you to go against your core values, sustaining a relationship will be difficult.”

Your values include things like how you define commitment and what you think about marriage and family. A strong connection may change someone’s mind about wanting a commitment, but not always. So it’s always important to be firm on your deal breakers.

It’s exciting to meet someone that you’re completely drawn to in so many different ways. But having an intense connection doesn’t guarantee a happily ever after. You still have to put in the effort to maintain a long-lasting relationship. If you notice any of these signs, you may need to ask yourself whether your partner really is the right one for you.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly, the BOOK on Amazon now!

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly       Facebook: phicklephilly     Twitter: @phicklephilly

Eliana – Part 1 – Third Time’s the Charm

Another tale of one man’s journey navigating his way through the dating scene in Philadelphia.

I met Eliana on Tinder. She is a very cute Filipino girl. Pretty, early thirties, fine boned with lovely slender legs. But she is very busty. That is rare for women of Asian origin. But if you ask her she will say she is Pacific Rim, not Asian.

We chatted for a bit on Tinder and then we decided to meet. She is a chef, so she works a lot of odd hours. We tried to figure it out between our schedules, but it was a struggle. She seemed nice and ready to date. I liked her.

She met her husband when he was in the military. He clipped her young and married her. He is of Austrian origin. Western European. He probably wanted her because she was sexy, exotic and young. She has a son who works as a flight attendant (probably gay) and a daughter who works in pharmaceuticals. I’ve seen pictures and her son is a nice looking boy and her daughter is smoking hot. Filipino and Austrian makes very good-looking girls.

They made those kids right away so it must have meant that the sex was fire. She cracked them off a year apart. They were married for a while. Her son lives with her out in Westchester. Her daughter is in college in California. She said her ex-husband is an asshole that eventually became verbally abusive. Eliana seems very sweet so I figure it’s his personality flaw not hers. Normally that is the case. Probably a military narcissist and she eventually became not good enough for him. They lived in Florida back then. The daughter is the little princess in dad’s eyes and can do no wrong. Eliana describes her as the spoiled brat. Dad probably loves her because she looks more like his side of the family. The son doesn’t like his father and says he’s an asshole just like mom. I figure military dad doesn’t like his son because he think’s a gay kid couldn’t have come from him and it’s mom’s fault. (Just speculating)

We scheduled a date to meet for lunch in the city. She has a brilliant car. it’s a Chevy Volt. Mad technology. But she’s afraid to drive into the city. She doesn’t know the city well and she says she’s not good at parallel parking. Typical Asian chick. (Sorry) We made a date and then I bailed because I had a cold. I was sniffing and sneezing and mostly coughing all of October 2016. She didn’t like that but I stayed in touch with her because she seemed nice. She was patient and forgiving, and understood.

We were supposed to meet up again. It was a Thursday. My partner Achilles at the salon got sick and asked if I would run the salon from 10am to 8pm. That’s a long day but I don’t mind it. It’s a fun job and I get to chat with the ladies and write this blog. So I had to bail again.

I could tell she was perturbed and my credibility was slipping. She had been in a shitty marriage, then she dated a guy for a few years and he was crap too. Apparently he was verbally abusive too. Her son is very protective of his mother. He always advises her on these losers. But he told her she needed to get out there and date again. I haven’t met him but I like this kid.

His mom is hot and she needs to meet a nice man.

So finally I make another date with her. Some time had passed and I didn’t know if she would be still interested. But she was and I begged her to meet me again in Philly again. She told me her son had told her to take the train. He knows she’s not good with navigating center city and the whole parking thing. That’s a challenge for anybody I know coming into the city. Finding a spot is hell and the parking authority is a vicious bunch of robbers. I swear they must be paid some sort of commission for ticketing cars because I have never met a more motivated team of employees that will run down every expired car in the city to write them a ticket. Who would want to do that job? “How was your day, honey?” “Good. I hurt every person I touched.”

She agreed to meet me and I told her to come to Racheal’s my favorite breakfast spot. It was afternoon but they make deadly sandwiches and I figured it would be quiet spot we could chat. The owner and staff know me so it would be a safe haven.

She parks in a lot and arrives on time. I wasn’t even there. Apparently she can get down here in 30 minutes. Good to know. Normally I am at the spot waiting for the girl but she is there wondering where I am. I’m sure she is already apprehensive because I ditched two times before.

I scamper from my apartment and head through Rittenhouse Square. I get there and she is there waiting for me. She is wearing a long coat, but she is wearing a light dress. We meet and she is sweet and beautiful. She looks like her pics, which are very close to the stock photo I have posted here.

She says since she is from the Philippines and lived in Florida so she owns a lot of light clothing. I ask her if she’s cold and she says no. Her ample bosom is very visible and I assume she is sending me a message. Her breasts are beautiful and she is really showing them off. Her dress is low-cut and they are very visible, which is distracting but lovely. I’m a leg man but they are tantalizing.

She is wearing boots but I can see that her legs are well turned and nice. She looks good. She seems really comfortable with her body and her sexuality. That could work.

I ask her if she wants anything to eat and she says no. I suggest we walk in the park. Rittenhouse is beautiful this time of year. The crews are busy putting up all of the Christmas lights and the tree. We walk through the park and chat. We get to know each other. I like her. There is something about her that gives me a sexual charge. Most women I meet don’t do that for me. But this one has a certain something. I can’t tell what it is. It’s not that I can’t tell, I just don’t know why I want her that way. She just exudes a certain sexuality. Maybe that’s what pulled her husband in. I totally get why he fell for her, because she has that thing.

She is distant a little bit. She talks and is social but keeps her physical distance from me. I find that confounding but I like it. It makes me want to reach for her more. We walk the park and get to know each other. She thinks I’m not that into her but I am. She says things like,  “You want to run away from me but I don’t.”

Sounds like rejection and esteem issues. Dismantle it before it’s begun. (Red Flag)

I think this is a sweet woman who has been hurt by a few losers and is gun-shy. Being around her I get a good vibe. I think she is very sexual. I have dated a lot on this odyssey and many of the women I have met give off a zero sexuality vibe. That’s probably why they are alone. Eliana has just chosen to lock herself away to protect her heart for a while. I may have the key to that lock.

Like any good sword fight in the park there is always a good thrust and parry, as my father would say, and I can feel there’s chemistry.

It’s windy and cold. The leaves dance around our feet in Rittenhouse Square.  My island girl doesn’t like the cold but says she is always warm. But the December day is taking her. I pull her close and kiss her. She pecks me back. I know she wants more but she’s guarded. That’s okay. I’m a very patient man.

We head back to Rachael’s. They must think I’m a gigalo. But I love that place and they are good at keeping my secrets. It’s warm in there and we sit at a table in the back.  We look at the menu and decide to get some food. They won’t come to the table, you have to go to the counter. She wants the ham sandwich, I go with the roast beef. She asks what the difference is between imported ham and domestic ham. The chef says the imported ham is more expensive but he doesn’t know where it’s imported from. I find this annoying but at the same time I want to know the answer. I vow to find out what the difference is. I know domestic is round and imported is rectangle but that’s all. It’s really funny. No one in my life has ever asked that question. But someone should have.

While I was ordering she was rubbing my back. It was distracting but I know this babe is electric and likes me.

We eat our sandwiches and they are terrific. Normally Rachael’s is my Saturday breakfast go to but these sandwiches are slamming. She is happy and grateful. I like her and she turns me on. It took awhile but we finally met. Many of the women I have met on the dating scene are incredible bores but she’s fun and sexy.

I walk her to her car and we sit in the vehicle for a moment to warm up. We kiss. I kiss her again. I can tell she is holding back to protect her heart. But I kissed her more and she became a little more passionate.

Eliana is a great lady. She is a hard-working self-made woman I respect. I want to see her again.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday at 9am EST.