What Makes Men Fall in Love Hard With the Wrong Girl

It’s called “Shadow Side Attachment.”

Do opposites attract? We’ve all seen at least one couple that just didn’t make sense, especially when you’d learn more about the two of them. For me, the first time I saw it was with a casual acquaintance. He was a high-earning, super-conservative banker who had just divorced his kind, sweet, emotionally stable wife of 20 years.

He was now dating a woman who had no degree, a serious drug issue, and a history of getting on the wrong side of the law. Everyone, including his own wife, was left in disbelief that he was falling in love with this woman.

What I later found out was that this story was far from unique. This is, in fact, a pretty common occurrence — or, at the least, more common than I thought it’d be. And, after doing some research, I realized there’s actually a lot of psychology at play in these kinds of relationships.

According to relationship guru Dr. J. Cookerly, much of this has to do with something called “Shadow Side Attachment.”

As the name suggests, many of us have an interest in things that we don’t normally show other people. This is what one might call our “Shadow Side.”

For some of us, that shadow side could be an interest in dating someone who is unusually conservative for our tastes. For others, it could be the desire to do wild and crazy things with people we really shouldn’t be interested in. This is the basis behind the old adage “Opposites attract.”

The funny thing about Shadow Side Attachment is that it often manifests when we’re trying to repress the way we feel.

The good girl wants to escape her “good girl” image for a while and ends up with a “bad boy” who does all sorts of crazy things involving sex, drugs, and maybe a motorcycle.

The bad girl wants to date a good boy who can give her the stability her lifestyle can’t afford her. She wants to have moments where she can bake cookies and just be a normal person. You get the picture.

People who get Shadow Side Attachment don’t necessarily fall in love with the person as much as they fall in love with the fact that the person represents their ability to explore a side to them that they don’t normally get to explore. This is why Dr. Cookerly calls it a form of “false love.”

For the most part, it’s not really sustainable. After all, the thing about people who are polar opposites is that they generally have clashing lifestyles and goals — and that’s usually a dealbreaker in the long run.

While the forbidden nature of a shadow side love may be sexy at the start, it often dissolves into bickering and quarreling about every little thing. As a result, these relationships are typically short-lived, but highly passionate flings.

In the case of the acquaintance and his mistress, it lasted a good two months before he tried to return to his wife, tail between his legs.

However, once in a blue moon, you’ll see a couple that is based on Shadow Side Attachment that actually does turn into a serious, stable, and loving relationship.

I’ve personally seen wild girls end up with conservative guys who never even drank liquor before he met her. However, they tend to be the exception to the rule rather than the rule itself.

So, do opposites attract? Absolutely. There’s just no saying that they’ll stay together.

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Why Are Men Attracted To “Crazy Women”?

Men would often claim that they’d rather avoid dating “psychos” or “crazy women.” But this is just a big fat lie as big as the “women want a sensitive, nice guy” lie…

Maybe we don’t want to desire the crazy woman or the bad boy because we’re aware that this will bring us only pain and frustration in the long run and yet we’re caught up in the same old pattern over and over again. The reason for this is that there are factors in our biology and psyche that unwillingly drive us towards desiring attributes our conscious selves would strongly discourage. In truth, it’s not “crazy” that we search for, but the side courses that go along with it.

For men who are into crazy women, there can be more than one reason.
1. They want to be heroes

Men love to fix situations and be heroes. It makes them feel appreciated, important and feeds their ego. And who is a better person to be saved than a poor, defenseless lunatic? What guys fail to understand here, however, is that fixer-uppers don’t normally turn out to be a smart investment. If you need something to fix, there are plenty of lonely, normal girls out there in need of renovation.

2. They want to feel needed

If a man has just come out of a relationship with someone who made him feel unneeded or ignored he is highly likely to get caught up with someone crazy. And while her moods, cries, and demands might be agitating, she will also make him feel needed. After being ignored and made to feel unnecessary in a loveless and devout of sexual adventure relationship for a long span of time, it can feel intoxicating for him to get caught up with an overly needy crazy woman. After years of emotional flatness, this new roller coaster feels like quite the thrill!

3. Crazy women are incredible in bed

Part of what defines a crazy woman is her lack of self-restraint. She’s impulsive and gives into pleasure and excitement, just like the man who desires her. And if that is how she acts in the bedroom, she will be all he ever wanted. A woman who is cautious will protect herself physically, sexually as well as emotionally from the unknown until she can be certain. A crazy woman, on the other hand, will immediately jump in and get caught in the moment. This can mean a lot of fun for the horny man eager to get his freak on.

What are your theories on why guys are attracted to crazy girls? Let us know in the comment section below.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

9 Brutally Honest Reasons Why You Never Heard From That Guy Again

These big mistakes had him searching for the nearest exit.

Have you ever gone out on a date with a man you really liked? You were certain you both clicked.

Things went well, and you went home hoping for him to call you for a second date… But he just kind of disappeared after that. Or maybe he trailed off, contacted you a few more times, then stopped.

When men disappear, it’s no accident.

What you don’t realize is that you may be putting out unconscious signals that are sending him running for the hills.

If you can’t seem to ever get a guy to call you again after you go on a date, it’s time to look at what might be happening under the surface you don’t know about.

Here are 9 brutal reasons why you never hear from guys again after a date.

1. He wasn’t that invested in you in the first place.

Sometimes, men will spend time with a woman with no real intention of ever having a long-term relationship with her. In those cases, when your time is up, it’s up. The relationship was never going anywhere anyway, and you’re better off without him.

It’s not always necessarily because of how you are, what you said, or what you did. It’s just where his head is at — or is not at, more importantly.

2. You hinted that you’re a baby ticking time bomb.

Any sniff of baby fever in the “get to know you” stages, and he’s out. Men usually take a bit longer than women to emotionally invest themselves, and if you lay all that baby stuff on them too soon, you can fall into the mistake of putting too much pressure on the relationship. It’ll freak him out.

When a man decides to go out with you, it’s because he’s thinking about how you will make his life better and more fun initially. A baby-obsessed woman can scare the even most loyal man away.

3. You mentioned that you want to get married — soon.

This is a bit like the baby ticking time bomb and just as lethal. If a man hears about what sort of flowers you want at your wedding day or who might get an invitation before he’s emotionally invested, he’ll run for cover.

Avoid this one like the plague, and save the wedding conversations for a later date. Because if he’s a commitment-phobe, this is sure to get rid of him.

4. You acted like one of the guys.

Men love women because of what women can offer that a man does not possess himself. Women who play games, act like they don’t need him, or have the “I can do it myself” mentality sometimes come across masculine in their behavior.

Acting this way is unattractive to men and will plummet his attraction to you to below zero.

5. You emasculated him.

Men want a woman who makes him feel good about himself. He wants a woman who brings out the best version of him. If you do the opposite, then you’re heading in the wrong direction.

Men like to feel like the man in the relationship. They need to feel needed. They need to feel wanted and desired by you.

So, pay attention to how you treat him or act around him. Is your attitude and behavior making him feel good?

Men like to do nice things for you, so let him — even if you feel like you could do it all by yourself. It’s food for the soul to a man when he can provide, protect, and take care of you.

6. You did all the work.

Men aren’t attracted to a woman who asks him out, calls him, texts him, and then dictates the terms of the relationship to make sure he won’t run away.

He’ll tolerate it, but he probably isn’t as invested in the outcome as you are.

7. Dating you was too much like hard work.

Being hard and independent can sometimes be a turn-off to men. How can he fit in when you’re always too busy and too hard to accept love, kindness, and adoration?

If you feel your hard side is letting you down, maybe it’s time to lighten up and let him in.

8. He has his own issues.

Understand that sometimes men disappear because of their own stuff. Maybe he just got out of a relationship and is getting back on his feet, or love burned him in the past and he can’t face another relationship right now.

Maybe his ex was controlling in his last relationship, and now he just wants to enjoy his freedom. This is the most dangerous guy to lurk with.

Although these men can come across as a “good guy with potential,” there’s a catch: He’s not in the right space to give you what you need. You must let him go if he’s not stepping up as the kind of boyfriend you need.

9. Your “crazy chick” side came out.

You’re confident until you get him, then all your insecurities and self-doubt come out to play. You get jealous, start fights, or create a drama.

You’ll do anything to sabotage that relationship, and the more you love him and the better he treats you, the worse it gets. Remember, this behavior is getting you nowhere. Keep the crazy chick at bay.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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7 Relationship Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

“I’ve met enough Red Flags I could paper my walls with them…”

Keep an eye out. 

Dating can feel like an endless game.

Whether you spot each other across a crowded bar or take a chance and swipe right, we all begin by flying blind into the unknown. At first, it’s a game of first impressions. You take an inventory of their outfit, make a note of their drink order and use every piece of information to paint a picture of who they are.

After a couple of dates, the walls start to crumble and we begin to really learn about our new crush. Dubbed the ‘honeymoon phase’, these early weeks of dating are all about testing the waters and seeing if you both are truly compatible. Exhausting, right!

Once you’ve landed yourself a new partner, the real work begins. It means getting creative with date night, actively listening to your other half and maintaining a thriving network of besties and friends to keep your social life balanced. But, what if things don’t feel quite right? If you’re unsure about your new relationship, read on to discover the seven relationship red flags you should never sweep under the rug.

1. Lack of communication

After a hard day at work, we all need to let off some steam. And sharing our concerns with our partner is a healthy way of processing stress and building connections. When it comes to communication, we all want to share our thoughts without reservation.

If your partner seems absent, dismissive or unresponsive, this is an important red flag to take notice of. Lack of communication can mean important conversations go unspoken. When we aren’t able to speak openly and honestly about how we feel, we can feel ignored and, ultimately, resentful of the other person. In fact, these small annoyances can grow and spell disaster for your relationships in the long term.

2. Dislike for your friends or family

This next red flag can be very subtle, but it’s an important one to be aware of. How does your partner speak about your loved ones? Do they resent coming along to family get togethers? Maybe they don’t take the time to get to know your besties? Or perhaps they avoid socializing with your friends and family all together?

If you feel a disconnect between your partner and your social network, it can be difficult to sustain a healthy romantic relationship. Why? Because sharing time with our friends, family and partner shouldn’t happen in isolation. In some cases, this can also be an early warning sign of controlling behaviour. If you notice your partner withdrawing from your network, start a conversation to understand their reservations and what you can both do to address them.

3. Innocently pushing physical boundaries

Respect is the foundation of every successful relationship. When we feel valued by our partners, we’re able to build stronger and more meaningful connections. However, when the opposite is true, this can spell disaster for our relationship.

How does your partner react when you tell them to stop tickling you? Do they invade your personal space or jokingly poke you like a sibling, even when you’ve told them no? Respect begins at acknowledging and honoring each other’s boundaries. If you notice your partner doesn’t listen to your requests, this could be an essential red flag to watch out for.

4. Describing their exes as ‘crazy’

We’ve all had terrible partners and relationships that were destined to fail. It could have been your first high school fling or that crush you had when you started uni. Whatever the case, we all encounter people that just aren’t the right fit for us.

However, if you notice your new partner speaking badly about their past relationships this is something to take notice of. When terms like ‘crazy’ start to be attributed to multiple previous partners, it could be time to consider whether your partner is representing their dating past accurately. In many cases, they could lack the self-awareness to realize they were, in fact, part of the problem.

5. Refusing to make your relationship public 

PDA (or public displays of affection) can be a divisive topic. For some, walking hand in hand comes as second nature. For others, they avoid displays of physical intimacy at all costs. Whatever camp your relationship falls into, it’s a wise idea to consider what is motivating this decision.

Do you notice your partner’s behaviour change when you’re around his mates? Does his social media presence appear as if you’re not together? Has he avoided ‘putting a label’ on your relationship? If your partner is keen to keep things a secret, this could be a warning sign that your relationship might not be as open and honest as it first seems.

6. Difference in values 

We all have our own unique priorities. The stuff that matters most to us. It could be things like honesty or compassion, or more specific values like savings habits and big-picture parenting goals. Although we might not always see eye to eye, sharing core values are key to long term relationship success.

Does your partner play off dishonesty as ‘little white lies’? Do they make decisions without factoring in your plans or point of view? What is their relationship like with their parents and siblings? If you are noticing clear patterns of conflicting values, this could be a good indication that you might struggle to remain compatible over time.

7. Incapable of apologizing 

Arrogant, entitled and patronizing behavior should never be ignored. However, when we’re falling hard for a new fling it can be difficult to see situations clearly. But, learning how to identify negative behaviors early in a relationship can prevent you from getting stuck in a toxic dynamic.

If your partner constantly refuses to apologize or admit they’ve messed up, it’s important not to ignore this. Although this might seem like an insignificant personality trait, it can indicate your partner may have an inflated sense of self-importance. Because let’s be honest, no one wants to date someone who can’t say sorry.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing on Amazon!

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California Dreamin’ – 1982 to 1984 – Jennifer – Stay Sober

I started flirting with this one girl at a bar in Santa Monica. Eventually I got her number. A week or so goes by and I call her. She asks me to be her date at a super bowl party. I’m not really into sports but it sounded fun to me so I thought, why not?

She said the party was at 5:00pm but she wanted to come over around 3:30pm even though it was a ten minute ride there. I totally figured she wanted to hook up first so I totally prepared myself for that. She shows up, I invite her in and I ask, “how long before we have to leave?” she says it already started so we have to leave now. I thought that was weird but I got in my van and drove there with blue balls the whole way.

It was at a restaurant she worked at and it was an employees and dates party. When we get there it pretty much hasn’t started. Big surprise. We talk for about an hour and get to know each other, but it’s painful because she’s so shy. It was open bar but she doesn’t drink so I resisted the temptation.

Eventually her co-workers come and I meet them. She told me one of them was an ex. It didn’t really bother me. They seemed like good guys. A little on the scummy side though. They all looked like shaggy from Scooby-Doo. They’re all about 22 and have a kid or two and have low-income jobs.

Eventually they convince her to drink. One sip becomes a whole drink and one drink becomes three. (Here we go)

She’s really drunk but still being kinda flirty. I didn’t drink anything and played it on the safe side because I was driving. The plan was to leave halfway through and go to a house party. So I drive her and her coworkers there. What a horrible idea. It’s down in Mar Vista. We get there and it’s one of the shittiest places I’ve ever seen. There was a 75-year-old man reading Hustler instead of watching the super bowl. There was kids running around while people were doing various drugs and talking about selling drugs along with pregnant women drinking.

A little uncomfortable but fuck it. We all play a drinking game and then then Jennifer gets up to go to the bathroom down the hall. About three minutes later, two of the co-workers go down the hall to the porch to smoke. About ten minutes goes by and her ex gets up to go see if the bathroom’s open. He comes back and lays this on me:

“Uhh…. Jen is getting fucked by both those guys right now. Don’t go in the bathroom”.

I was absolutely stunned. I had no idea what to do. I sat there and just watched the super bowl. Minutes later she comes out literally pulling her pants up. She completely ignores me and continues playing. Five minutes go by and she goes to smoke weed with another guy. One guy goes to check and comes back to let me know…

“Yeah, sorry man she’s fucking him now too”.

The guys at the table start saying how nice a guy I am, and that it sucks that I’m her date and she’s fucked three guys. Then they start getting weird. They start whispering about me and pointing at me. I wasn’t entirely sure whether I was going to get my ass kicked. Jen comes back and I tell her we’re leaving in five minutes. One guy at the table stops me and says, “Wait! She’s already fucked Tim, Bill, and Mark, I figured me and Mike could have a go and you can have her the rest of the night!”

What the fuck? I left immediately with her. Unfortunately her car’s at my place. She kept saying the whole car ride that she hates it when this happens, and this is why she doesn’t drink.

I took the long way home because I knew she was drunk. She tried to prove she wasn’t by slapping herself and then saying “I’m not drunk, I see the three yellow lines in the road. I know there’s only two but that’s how I know I’m sober.

Right.

I tell her to stay for an hour knowing I could prolong it so she can sober up. She throws a hissy fit that she has to leave now and her parents are probably looking for her. She says she has to drive home immediately. She apologizes and leaves, saying she’ll see me soon.

Jennifer had sex with three guys on our first date and given the opportunity would have probably made it six.

I never spoke to her again.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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