4th of July Date Ideas (That Won’t Break the Bank)

Here are a bunch of fun ways to ignite some sparks of your own.

1. Plan an outdoor picnic. We know, it may sound a little clichéd, but grab an American flag blanket at a cheapie store (c’mon, show your patriotism), a bottle of wine, and some American fare to share with your guy. You can bring along a Frisbee or Nerf ball to toss around after lunch. Outdoor eating can be much more relaxed and romantic (not to mention more affordable) than your typical dinner and drinks.

2. Hit up a rooftop bar with your guy. You’ll get to enjoy cocktails in the breezy summer weather, and you might even be able to spot a nearby fireworks show — minus the crowds and mobs of children.

3. Go on a romantic “getaway.” Almost every town has its appeal on the 4th, so head to your local tourist hot spot. Breaking your usual routine and taking advantage of what your town or city has to offer will make you feel like you’re on a mini vacation. Plus, experiencing new activities with your guy is exciting.

4. Bake a 4th of July cake. Don’t go all Betty Crocker on your guy, but baking a festive cake with him can be a flirty, fun way to get some one-on-one time. Top the cake with whipped cream, blueberries, and strawberries. Hint: If you happen to buy too much whipped cream, you can always find, um, other uses for it.

5. Head to an outdoor concert. A lot of cities host 4th of July concert and firework shows (what’s not to like about two-for-one dates?). Check out your local paper to see what’s going on nearby. Don’t feel like springing for tickets? You can usually mingle your way close enough to the concert stage, but outside the seat parameter, to listen to the live music for free.

6. Host a BBQ. We all know guys like to barbecue, so let your man be manly as he grills up the hamburgers and ribs. A casual cookout can be a great way to break the ice and introduce him to your family or friends. Don’t forget the festive cocktails!

7. Do something historic. Google your town or city to find out what local American memorials or museums you can visit. You’ll both learn a bit about the past and get a renewed appreciation for your heritage.

8. Get wet. When we think of July we think beaches and bikinis. If you don’t live near a beach, find a friend with a pool or buy a day pass to a public pool. Upload summer tunes to your iPod and have your guy rub you down with sunscreen and cocoa butter. You two can even sport those corny American flag bathing suits if you feel so inclined.

9. Have a movie night. If you’re far away from the beach and fireworks, invite your guy over for a movie night, 4th of July style. Pick out a few festive flicks and cozy up in front of the TV. Some suggestions: Born on the Fourth of July, Independence Day, and The Patriot.

10. Bond over a bonfire. You could always forgo the fireworks and curl up around a campfire with him. Bring along sparklers to get into the spirit.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

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7 Reasons Why the Women Men Date Aren’t the Ones They Marry

Everyone can probably recall a situation when a couple broke up after a long relationship and then the man proposed to the “next girl he met.” This behavior is really surprising and it raises a legit question: why does one woman not get the diamond ring after many years spent together while the next one becomes a bride almost immediately after they meet?

We at Bright Side decided to try and understand men’s logic and find out the answer to this burning question that has been bothering several generations of women across the world.

1. There’s no such thing as “the right woman.” The most important thing is to be with the man at the right time.

In social media, someone posted the opinion that men get married not when they meet “the love of their life” but when they are ready to start a family. A Twitter user got really interested in this theory and asked men to comment on it. And almost unanimously, men admitted that they had a relationship they regretted ending but it didn’t stop them from getting married when they had a fitting woman to become their wife.

There’s another popular thing that triggers men to get married: if a woman they’ve wanted to get with for a long time gets married, they want to get married as well. In this case, they feel that there’s no chance with that other women and if the loneliness becomes unbearable, the unlucky guy chooses among his available options. So, it seems that men don’t wait for the “right woman” and whatever girl that is ready for marriage at a certain time will get the proposal.

Scientists say that the best age for starting a family is from 28 to 32. After this time, the chances that a man will want to get married will drop and after the age of 42, the chance is almost 0.

2. There’s no way to build a family based on physical attraction.

Studies show that couples with a woman that is more attractive than the man are the happiest. But as John T. Molloy (the author of the book Why Men Marry Some Woman and Not Others) said, the appearance of the woman shouldn’t be vulgar. John asked more than 3,500 men to describe their brides and only 20% of the fiances used adjectives that had to do with their appearance (like gorgeous, attractive, or sexy). And the other 80% mentioned the woman’s character traits. Men said that being clean and presentable is very important but didn’t want them to look over-the-top. The most popular opinion was this: a woman should look so that it’s not a shame to appear with her in public.

3. The opinion of friends and parents can affect the decision.

Even if a man looks very independent, who he chooses as a wife will be influenced by those close to him. That’s why friends play a huge role in the beginning stage of a relationship and their opinion may speed up the process of falling in love. Additionally, a man’s parents’ approval may also be a decisive factor in the proposal. You probably have seen cases where a parent’s expectations are different from the girl their son brings home.

4. Men are sure that women are totally satisfied.

To be more specific, women may just pretend that everything is okay when really, they don’t want to get married. However, if a woman never voices her opinion about wanting to get married, her boyfriend will never know that she is expecting some kind of gesture from him because men are bad at reading between the lines. But men are good at making conclusions. So, when this girl loses her patience, packs her stuff and leaves, the man will analyze the situation and when he meets the next woman, he will be quicker in his decisions and will propose to her before she leaves him.

Psychologists claim that couples that have few conflicts in the very beginning don’t have a future so people shouldn’t be afraid of expressing their opinions. The women that prefer to be silent about their wishes never actually get the wedding ring. 73% of future wives admit that they pressed their significant others and insisted on getting married instead of just waiting for their boyfriend to propose to them on their own.

5. Living together decreases the chances of getting married by 50%.

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Psychologists warn women that they should be very careful about the idea of living together before marriage. Most men make a proposal 22 months after the beginning of the relationship and after this period, the chance decreases by 20% and 3 years later, this number is only 50%. And after 7 years, the chances of getting married are at 0%.

But don’t forget about the difference in perception: women think that living together is the first step to marriage and men, on the contrary, “forget” about the necessity to register the relationship and already think that they have a family.

6. A woman is convenient for this period of time but not for the future.

Sometimes, men want to get married but only when they achieve certain things in their lives like a promotion, an apartment, a house, and so on. They don’t want to stay alone during this difficult life period while he’s pursuing his goals, so he looks for a woman to support him — but only temporarily.

“A convenient” woman who doesn’t require much and that will always meet him halfway is not enough for the life he wants. She doesn’t challenge him or encourage an addiction. And if a man becomes successful, they want to stay in shape and in this situation, he needs a woman that will challenge him all the time, helping him to achieve more and more.

7. Not all relationships are supposed to end with a wedding.

From early childhood, girls are taught that any boys that pay attention to them automatically become their “one and only.” Very often, relatives joke about this and ask girls when the wedding is going to happen. But year after year, this question becomes more and more serious. And girls grow up with the stereotype that if the relationship is long, it can only have one end: the forming of a family. But men rarely have the same stereotype, so there’s a big misunderstanding between the sexes.

Of course, people regret any time they wasted dating and often try to hold on to significant others. But then they have to live with the notion that this person is only with them because they feel they need to be, not because they want to be. Also, men rarely give up on their wishes and if they’re certain in their choice, they won’t wait too long or avoid having the conversation. There’s no such thing as a true bachelor (right, George Clooney?), there are just women that men don’t want to marry but are too afraid to say it.

Maybe, you have your own thoughts and experience on this topic and the men you know proposed or (didn’t) for other reasons. Share your ideas in the comment section below.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

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How To Break Up With Someone You’re Still In Love With, Because Sometimes, It Just Doesn’t Work

One from a female reader…

My last breakup was with someone whom I still cared about, and it sucked. I loved my boyfriend very much, but the relationship started to feel stagnant, and it was time to move on. We were moving forward, but not as a couple. We were growing in separate directions that had caused us to feel more like friends than lovers. It’s hard to know how to break up with someone when you still love and care about them very much. The moment never exactly feels right, because you don’t want to hurt someone you care about, and you don’t want to stop hanging out with each other either.

When my ex and I broke up, he came over, and we had a long discussion about how we weren’t compatible for one another at this point in our lives. He was struggling in his career and felt the need to concentrate on it in order to feel happy and stable in his life and, thus, couldn’t give his full attention to me. I cared about his happiness and couldn’t continue to feel neglected in a relationship. We broke up, cried a little, watched a movie, and then, he slept over (bad decision). Yes, we hooked up. Then, the next morning, I left for work, and I never saw him again.

Winter depressed sad girl lonely by home window looking at cold weather upset unhappy. Bad feelings stress, anxiety, grief, emotions. Asian woman portrait.

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When I got home that night, he had left love notes all over my apartment, telling me he would miss me and how much he cared about me. He also stuck a note on the fridge saying, “Remember when you cooked that horrible dinner,” and one on the toilet that said, “Remember how embarrassed you were when you clogged this on our third date,” which made me smile… but also miss him. It’s easy to break up with someone you hate or to move on from a relationship that’s broken. That’s why they’re called breakups after all, right? But breaking up with someone you still care about is hard. You don’t want to do it, even though it’s the right decision.

Phicklephilly spoke to two experts about how to break up with someone you’re still in love with, even when it hurts. Because you deserve to have it be as painless as possible.

1. Do It In Person

So many of my relationships have ended over text or on the phone, and I think that’s why it took so long to get over them. The book felt unfinished. I never got closure, and things felt unresolved with those partners. I wanted to ask my exes questions or see their expression when things were ending, but all I was left with was the crying emoji instead. Every time I’ve ever broken up with someone over the phone, text, or email, the subsequent months are filled with plans to finally meet up in person and discuss what happened. But if you do it in person the very first time, you can have a clean break from the very beginning.

“The most important thing you can do for them to show compassion is to explain why,” Dr. Joshua Klapow, clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show, previously told Elite Daily. “If you can answer the question for yourself then you should offer that to them.” If you and your partner are still in love but it’s time for your relationship to end for other reasons, then you at least want to give your significant other the respect of breaking up in person. It will help to give both of you closure and allow for an honest and thorough conversation that can help both of you move on.

2. Be Strong (And Also Don’t Hook Up)

If you’re still in love with the person you’re breaking up with, then you might be unsure about your actions. Should we really end things, or can we work this out? Maybe we’re just having a bad day, week, or month. Can we get over this? Is moving on a mistake? But if you’ve thought about this thoroughly and you’re sure the relationship is not right for you, then be strong and resolute in your decision, and don’t get swayed into staying together.

“Ask yourself this: ‘Why do I not want this and what would make things different?'” Dr. Klapow said. “Ask yourself: ‘Have I had the conversations clearly and specifically about what is not working and what is working?’ If you love the person, then you need to be very sure that you are very clear about why you don’t think it is going to work.” Be firm that things are ending, and, no matter how tempted you are, do not have breakup sex. It’ll only end up leading both of you on and keep you wondering if you’re making the right decision. Overall, it’s just bad news.

3. Set Boundaries

After a breakup, it’s important to set boundaries and clarify breakup behaviors. It’ll make the transition to friends (or strangers) easier, and boundaries can help you from getting hurt even more after a breakup. I remember after I broke up with one of my exes, I was really hurt when I found out he had hooked up with someone else. The reason I felt hurt was because he and I were still talking every day, and it felt like we were still very much together, even though we weren’t.

“There is not an easy way to break up with someone you love,” Dr. Klapow said. “Recognize that there is a decent chance you are going to hurt feelings.” Establishing boundaries between you and your ex can save you a lot of heartache and help to clarify the role you play in each other’s lives. Are you going to stay friends on social media? Are you still going to talk, and if so, how often? Are you going to see one another in real life? What’s the rule about hooking up with each other? Are there certain things you don’t want to talk about with one another?

Sad disappointed european man can not forgive his african girlfriend infidelity, the girl is sitting next to man having apologetic guilty look, trying to make peace with man. Relationships problems

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4. Take Time Apart

If you’re still in love with your significant other, that’s not going to end right when you break up with them. You’re still going to miss them. You’ll want to call, text, and talk with the same frequency as you always do. You’ll still want to hang out. In my last relationship, after we broke up, I remember how badly I missed my boyfriend on the couch every night, sitting next to me, watching our favorite shows. I knew we weren’t right together, but couldn’t we still hang?

The answer is no, not so soon. Right after a breakup, you need to take some much-needed space to heal and actually get over one another. You can’t go from lovers to friends immediately just because you’ve said the words “we’re done.”

“It’s useful to initiate the breakup conversation at a time when you all have space during/afterward to respond to your subsequent feelings and reactions,” James Guay, a therapist who specializes in high-conflict couples, previously told Elite Daily. “In other words, don’t start the conversation right before you each have to go to work or to an important event.”

You need time to actually get over one another, or you might just end up back together again — or back in bed at least. And if you prolong the breakup, you’re only prolonging the time it takes for you to finally start moving on and feeling better.

Breaking up is hard to do, especially when you’re doing it with someone you still care about. But if it’s the right decision for you, then you have to make it. Be firm and direct, and make sure you establish proper boundaries after you’ve decided to part ways.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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Guy Talk: The Real Reason Women Shouldn’t Make The First Move

Maybe you catch him standing at the other end of the bar, slyly checking you out. Maybe you met him before and flirted with him, but he never asked for your phone number. Or, maybe you’ve already hung out with him a few times, but a casual arm flung over your shoulders is about the extent of the physical contact he’s made so far.

So, you saunter over to him and say hi.

Or, the next time you see him, you say, “So, are you ever going to ask for my phone number?”

Or, as you’re sitting on the couch next to him, streaming yet another movie on Netflix, you turn to look him in the eyes, and you decide to just go for it and kiss him.

Like that daydreaming moron you’re stuck behind at the busy intersection, these are the guys who make you throw your arms up in the air and yell, “You’ve got the green light! Just go already!”

Yes, there are a lot of timid guys out there.

But now, I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Timid guys aren’t as numerous as you may think. In fact, that cute guy who flirts with you and acts interested, but never actually does anything about it, can turn out to be a totally different breed of guy. He’s not timid, or awkward, or nervous. He’s manipulating you.

This is the guy who’s not looking for anything serious (or, more specifically, not looking for anything serious with you), but wouldn’t be opposed to a casual fling. This may also be the guy who prides himself on being a “good guy.” And true to his self-professed nature, he doesn’t want to play you. That’s why he never comes right out and makes any overt moves on you.

On the other hand, if you initiate all the moves, he’s certainly not going to stop you. And whether consciously or subconsciously, that’s the trap he has set for you.

How do I know so much about this guy, you ask? Because I used to be him.

You see, if I let the girl make the first move, then I don’t have to be the douchebag who acts interested, gets the girl into bed, then dumps her immediately after.

If she makes the first move, then I’m the one being chased. And if I’m the one being chased, then I’m the one who was never sure about hooking up. And if I’m the one who was never sure about hooking up, then I have a perfectly valid reason to pull back at any time.

Let me repeat that last part: at any time.

Yes, some guys are douchebags to the core. They sleep on king-sized douchebag beds lined with satin douchebag sheets lathered with the essence of douchebag body spray. They’ll say whatever it takes to get you into bed, and they’ll feel no shame pulling the fade-out after they get what they want.

But, most guys aren’t assholes of such cartoonish proportions. I think most guys actually try to do “the right thing.” And on a conscious level, they know it’s not cool to feign interest in a girl just to get her naked, especially if it seems like she wants more than just a fling.

And that’s when the subconscious rationalizing begins:

“Well, I’d sleep with her. And I’m pretty sure she’s interested. But, I’d never want to date her….”

“Alright, be cool then. Just talk to her and be friendly….”

“Oh, look at that. She just kissed me. Hmm….”

“Alright, Conscience. Look, dude, she freaking just kissed me! You can’t possibly expect me to turn her away, right? As long as she kisses me first, then I can totally hook up with her, and you won’t lay all that guilt on me afterwards, right? Right?”

“You won’t? Game on!”

And once that rationalization train gets going, the excuses just keep on chugging along:

“I had fun with you, but I just don’t want anything serious right now.”

“I’m sorry, I should’ve been more clear what I was looking for before we hooked up.”

“I’m just not ready to commit to anyone at this point in my life.”

Any of these lines can be spoken by the guiltless douchebag as he’s in the process of dumping you. And you’ll hate him.

But, if you’re the one who made all the moves, if you’re the one who pursued him, do you see how the self-professed good guy can say these same exact lines and still come across as the innocent victim while he’s dumping you

In his arsenal, the self-professed good guy even has lines the supersized douchebag could never use. Like this one:

“I’m actually kind of old-fashioned and like to take things slow. Don’t get me wrong—last night was amazing. But, I was caught up in the moment, and I think we definitely moved too fast.”

See? It’s your fault you jumped into bed too soon, because you put the moves on him. And now, he gets to walk away with nary a scratch on his shiny armor.

I admit, I did all this subconscious rationalizing for years before I realized what I was actually doing. Once my conscience made that shady back room deal with my lust, my hypocrisy became all too easy to ignore.

Yup, all my life, I prided myself on being a decent guy. But, it turns out I was a douchebag all along. And unfortunately, I think every guy has some amount of douchiness in him (if, by “douchiness,” we mean the desire for easy sex).

Here’s the bottom line:

If I really like a girl, I’m going to make the first move.

So, go ahead. Make the first move on that cute, coy guy if you want. Just remember the Get Out Of Guilt Free card you may be handing him if you do.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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5 Tips For The Best Tinder Profile

At some point during online dating, you become so desensitized from all the swiping, that it’s hard to remember you’re looking at actual people.

It’s like in that season of The Bachelorette where literally every guy looked the same.

Dating apps can start to become a lot more about quantity over quality. So to separate yourself from the pack, it’s important to create a quality profile. You know, one where you’re not just doing yoga on top of a mountain like everyone else.

It’s easy to get matches on Tinder, but it’s hard to get actual messages that turn into dates and dates that turn into relationships — if that’s what you’re looking for.

So how can you create the perfect profile?

I asked Meredith Golden, dating coach, online dating expert, and owner of SpoonMeetSpoon, about some tips to make your Tinder profile really stand out. Here are her suggestions:

1. No Sausage

Think you need to be a vegetarian to snag a date? No, that’s not what Golden means.

She explains, “I see a ton of too-tight clothing that simply isn’t flattering. A single girl doesn’t need to be a double zero to get a swipe right, but she does need to look good. Clothing that is too small is unflattering.”

My opinion? In the long run, you want your relationship to be built on connection and compatible personalities. So while an attractive photo might get you more right swipes, body positivity and respect is incredibly important for both you and anyone who will love you.

You should wear whatever you feel most confident and happiest in, and post those photos if that’s true to yourself.

2. Smile

Would you want to go out with that guy who is pouting or posing in every one of his photos? Probably not. But I have to admit, I am very guilty of putting pose-y pictures up on my profile.

I think I look goofy when I smile! I don’t like what it does to my nose!

But Golden says, “You have a nanosecond — LITERALLY — to make a positive impression. A picture showing your beautiful smile conveys happiness. Happiness attracts happiness, and this will increase your chances of a swipe right.”

If you have a happy pic, a guy will envision a happy date, a happy relationship, so on, and so forth.

3. Be Short And Sweet

I don’t go on Tinder to read a novel. Full disclosure: It’s been a while since I’ve read a novel in general.

Golden says, “Long-winded is unattractive on apps. How many times have you been stuck in a conversation with a talker, smiling on the outside, but cringing on the inside, trying to plan your exit. Well, same goes for dating apps, but there’s no need for social graces. Instead, you’ll just get swiped left.”

To summarize? “Short and sweet wins,” she says.

4. Be Positive

No one wants to date a Negative Nancy! Or a Depressing David! Or a… I ran out of names.

“I can’t emphasize this enough. A fair amount, I’ll see, ‘If you don’t plan on ever meeting, what’s the point?’ in a blurb. This is a repellant. Just because you think it, doesn’t mean you have to say it. You catch more flies with honey,” Golden notes.

You might think you’re setting a boundary with a comment like that, but instead, it sounds like an aggressive ultimatum before you’ve even met someone. And that is a red flag.

5. Have Interests

Listing a few interests is better than having no bio whatsoever.

Golden says to have around “three interests” laid out in your profile:

And have a witty and charming anecdote to back up each. These interests are often used as a springboard for exchanges on apps. He swiped right because he thinks you’re cute; influence him to ask to meet because of your witty and charming messages.

I once swiped right on a guy who said he loved string cheese. I asked him if he strings it or bites into it, because only sociopaths bite into string cheese. And tomorrow, I have my third date with him. So voila! Write down your interests! Be interested in string cheese!

Golden gives a few more ideas: “For example, if you say you love adventure, have a great story to back this up: ‘This one time, I was climbing Mount Kilimanjaro…’ not ‘this one time, I was so adventurous, I took a cab instead of an Uber.'”

To summarize, it’s important to be positive. Smile, post photos where you are your best, most authentic self, and make sure to list a few of your interests. But don’t overshare — leave something to talk about once you start messaging.

After reading this, it might be time to redo my own profile.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing now available on Amazon!

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6 Dating Deal Breakers

When it comes to relationships, honesty, and love are not the only two things that you should consider. Love and devotion are indeed the top two things that matter the most, but other things shouldn’t be ignored in a relationship. If we talk about deal-breakers, they’re typically acts or personality traits that can be a turn off while you’re still dating.

Certain things can bother the significant other, hurt them, or make them very uncomfortable. Something that makes them reconsider the relationship can be counted as a deal-breaker as well. We compiled a list of things that can be a deal-breaker for both men and women.

#1 Dishonesty

Being dishonest about anything at all can create many continuous problems between a couple. So it’s better to be straight and honest about everything to avoid any confusion.

#2 Unemployment

Being unemployed for a while and not having any ambition in your life can be a deal-breaker. When a person doesn’t have a job, and they lack a goal of seeking it, it signals irresponsibility and laziness.

#3 Lying

Lying, at any level, is a big red flag. Lying about anything at all means that the person doesn’t want to share things with you and tends to hide a lot.

#4 Anger Issues

Getting angry sometimes can be fine; it’s a natural human emotion. But some people tend to have major anger issues, and they sometimes either lash out or end up hurting themselves or others.

#5 Future Planning

If you’re in a relationship that has been going well for a while now and you guys planning on spending your lives together, then children are something that must be discussed. If your partner avoids the topic, then it means they might be unsure about their future with you. If you don’t see eye to eye on this topic, it’s essential to re-evaluate your relationship. Kids aren’t something you can compromise on.

#6 Interest in Your Life

This is one of the most prominent deal-breakers. If your partner does not take part in your life activities or takes an interest in your life in general, then they might not be interested in the relationship overall. You don’t need the same activities all the time, but your partner should show you some interest and curiosity.

If you notice that your significant other is doing any of this, then either talk to them about it or reconsider your decisions. Or, if you are the one doing any of the above, ask why you’re doing it and whether this relationship is right for you.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing on Amazon!

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Reasons Why You Can’t Find a Decent Girlfriend

Let’s say you’re a good guy who knows his way around women. But for some reason, dating doesn’t go too well for you. Maybe you have it all: good looks, charisma, a nice job, and the natural ability to be a gentleman. And still, pretty single girls seem to flee from you. There are several reasons why this happens. And not everything is your fault here.

Let’s say you’re a good guy who knows his way around women. But for some reason, dating doesn’t go too well for you. Maybe you have it all: good looks, charisma, a nice job, and the natural ability to be a gentleman. And still, pretty single girls seem to flee from you. There are several reasons why this happens. And not everything is your fault here.

1. You seek for girls in wrong places

I doubt that a woman who wants serious commitment will go to a club to find a husband. The same goes for Tinder and similar apps. Yes, of course, there are some rare cases when people just happen to be in a certain location, for example, with friends. But you still need to change the tactics and start finding people in places you like to be in. For example, why don’t you meet girls at theme parties, festivals, or friends meetings?

2. You come across as too serious

Maybe you are aimed for a serious relationship, marriage, and kids, but there is no need to share it during your first date (especially if you don’t know each other that well). Don’t be that desperate and clingy. Don’t take it too fast. First, you need to get to know each other, then you can think about starting a family. Girls are scared of guys who want to get married on a first date and talk about kids. Paradoxically, but not only guys are afraid of commitment.

3. You seem stuck up

Maybe you are so serious and self-conscious that you want to compensate it by looking tough and snappy. But all people see is you being conceited. One thing is knowing your coolness, but projecting it on other people by intimidating them is another thing. Make sure you don’t come across as too self-absorbed, try to be simpler.

4. You seem too perfect

Girls can be scared of you by proximity. When you look and act perfectly, they can be intimidated. Girls are just scared you will reveal all of their insecurities, and after all, you’ll break up. They want to start a relationship as equal players and see a normal human being with mild flaws. If you look unattainable she will feel unworthy of this relationship and back down.

5. Your career is less bright

Yes, these are the small things that don’t matter that much. But still, some women want a man to be the main breadwinner, staying by the side and not taking so much responsibility. This works both ways because often guys don’t like girls who are too successful.

6. You have a type

Don’t you have a feeling all of your exes are somewhat similar? Maybe they behave or look the same? If the answer is positive than I know what is your problem. You just have a type. It’s neither good nor bad. You’ll just be stuck in a neverending circle of patterns that won’t leave you for years until you decide to break it and find an unexpected type. Try to date a woman who isn’t your cup of tea. Maybe you didn’t pay attention or were too scared to approach this type of girl? It’s a chance to take a risk.

7. You don’t know how to talk to women

Maybe you are rich, successful, and handsome, but just don’t know how to approach a girl you like. You don’t know how to make a woman interested, how to behave during a date, which courtesy moves to choose, what to tell her, what gifts to give. And, most importantly, maybe you don’t know when it’s time to stop talking.

8. You haven’t found your destiny

Yes, maybe you just haven’t found a girl who’s meant for you. I believe that we all have a soul mate in this life, waiting for us. Maybe the Universe tries to keep you away from mistakes and wrong relationships, saving that dessert for last. Anyway, it’s worth waiting for it.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

How You Can Tell If You’re Putting In Too Much Work In A Relationship

Relationships are hard work. You’ve no doubt heard people say this before. But the notion of “working hard” on love can be confusing. Exactly how challenging is it supposed to be? When can you tell if you’re actually putting too much effort into a relationship and not getting enough back?

Well, if this possibility is something you’re grappling with, begin first and foremost by checking in with yourself and your needs in the partnership. And as therapist Dea Dean, who has a private practice in Mississippi, tells Bustle, there are some more obvious signs you may be in an imbalanced dynamic where emotional work is involved. For one, if the invitations you extend to your partner for connection, partnership, or communication are denied or dismissed repeatedly, this indicates a problem, Dean says.

“If your partner says they are willing to meet a need (more quality time, healthier boundaries with friends or family, equal share in household responsibilities), yet their behavior consistently reveals unwillingness and a lack of follow-through,” Dean says, that’s not a good sign.

And as Lisa Myers, 32, tells Bustle, she has found herself in unbalanced relationships where she gives things up to focus on her partner’s needs. “My biggest thing has always been ‘dumbing down’ my success or how social I am because it makes my partner’s uncomfortable,” Myers says. “Literally every one of them.”

While every relationship has its ups and downs, and the internal dynamic between the two of you might shift, in general, it should be a give-and-take that works for both of you. Below, take a look at some signs that you might be doing too much when it comes to keeping your relationship working.

1. You Feel Drained When You Hang Out

It's normal to feel confused or stressed out when your relationship is taking an inordinate amount of energy.

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Every now and then, being around your partner — or anyone, for that matter — can be draining. But as life and relationship coach Diana Venckunaite tells Bustle, hanging out with your partner should be fun, fulfilling, and relaxing for the most part. It’s the kind of dynamic that should lift you, not deplete you.

“If you feel exhausted physically, mentally, and emotionally every time your partner leaves, then you may be doing too much work to please your partner and going out of your way to make sure that everything is perfect,” Venckunaite says. Are you the one who makes the plans? Takes care of the food? Tries to maintain the peace? Ask yourself what you think your “responsibilities” are, and if they are truly balanced between you both.

2. You Feel Like Your Partner’s Therapist

“A relationship needs a strong foundation of being one another’s rock during tough and stressful times, where you trade who will be the support for who on and off,” Venckunaite says.

But if you find yourself being “the rock” over and over again, then you have to sit down and think if you’re getting enough from the relationship.

You both deserve to be mutually supported, and feel safe to ask for help and let your guard down. And remember, even as a source of love and strength, you aren’t responsible for each other’s emotional issues.

3. You Feel Irritated A Lot Of The Time

It can feel very frustrating to  be putting in more emotional work than your partner.

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You might start to get irritated with your partner once you begin recognizing there are some imbalances, Venckunaite says. Maybe it’s because you always end up being the designated driver, or you can predict in advance the way your partner is going to behave in a social situation.

“You’re not a babysitter,” Venckunaite says. And you shouldn’t have to feel irritation that foreshadows the same things happening every single time you go out.

4. You Feel Your Contributions Are Unmatched

Dean says that if you are giving on an emotional, financial, or physical level and it’s not being reciprocated in some balanced way, you can easily become critical and withdrawn.

Do you pay for everything and do all the house work? Are you always providing emotional support and doing all the planning? Even if you give different things, you want to make sure you are giving to each other in an equitable way.

“In order to avoid [imbalance] partners can frequently ‘check-in’ with one another and give non- judgmental feedback about how they can better help one another and find balance in negotiating responsibilities with finances, housework, emotional care and relational preferences,” Dean says.

5. If Your Partner Asks For Something Small, You Feel Resentful

Resentments can build easily when you feel unappreciated.

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Again, if you feel like you are putting a whole lot into the relationship without much in return, you might notice yourself feeling bad in general, but that might be doubled when your partner asks you for something. For example, if you feel like you’re constantly the one giving, having them ask for that glass of water at the end of the night might be the last darn straw.

“If this is happening to you, take some time to identify if your resentment is stemming from your own needs going unmet,” Dean says.

If you do indeed find that is what’s going on for you, it’s time to communicate with your partner.

“Once you’ve informed your partner of the imbalance in your dynamic and invited them to demonstrate care for your desires, evaluate whether they show willingness to match the level and frequency of care you’re longing for,” Dean says.

Ultimately, never doubt that you deserve a supportive relationship that makes you feel respected and seen. Even when it’s a lot of work — it should be work for both of you.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing publishes of Amazon June 20th!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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‘Jerk-Baiting’ Is The Infuriating New Dating Trend You Can’t Get Mad At

Your hot new fling suddenly cancels. Tinder bae goes through your phone. Your partner of two years treats your kitchen like an (absurd) art studio.

While these situations all appear quite different, they have one thing in common: they stretch your patience.

But what does that have to do with ‘jerk-baiting’? We spoke to couple’s counselor Heidi Gee to get the low-down on that very question: welcome to the most devious dating trend of 2020.

‘Jerk-baiting’ is when you deliberately test how ~keen~ your partner really is on you (or how psycho they might be), by baiting them into being a jerk.

As Heidi tells us, the kindling for this trend (i.e. the age-old ‘shit test’) has been around forever. But now, with the advent of smartphones and dating apps, it has taken off, giving early-stage daters easier ways to test each other and longer-term couples more things to bait each other with.

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Sounds like a plan 😍

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“Communication has changed and interpersonal skills have changed a lot so it’s quite easy for people to avoid difficult conversations.” Not only that but many women these days, Heidi tells us, are afraid of the consequences of directly rejecting someone.

As the wealth of rejection-gone-wrong literature reveals, there is good reason to jerk-bait a potential partner to make sure they are not a psycho.

The problem is, jerk-baiting can backfire in numerous ways. Not only can it land your phone with some truly bizarre text messages, but it can also push someone awesome away from you if they don’t realize that you’re testing them.

This also has a tendency to happen in full-blown relationships, with couples deliberately and subconsciously testing each other’s patience.

 

Why? According to Heidi, it comes down to self-esteem: “We all play those games of seeing how much the person does like us, what they would do for us, pushing their buttons, pushing them to the limit.”

“Moving in with someone and seeing how much they will take care of x y and z around the house,” is a great example, she tells us. “[I’ve had] couples come in and that’s been an issue: ‘I don’t do the dishes because I know she’s going to do it – these things can build up and cause tension.”

Another example is when one partner, “Will sabotage or say things to get a reaction to see how much they [the other partner] cares and whether they would be chased and how much they’re loved.”

Sound familiar? Here’s what Heidi recommends you should do if you find yourself jerk-baiting: “If you’re uncertain about where your relationship or feelings stand then you ask the partner rather than baiting them; that could make things fall apart rather than the partner chasing.”

On the other hand, if you are the jerk-baitee, Heidi says it is crucial not to get mad, but rather, “Be assertive, ask your partner, ‘Why are you doing this? When you do this it makes me feel like x y z.’ You need to talk to each other, identify what’s missing in the relationship and figure out what you can do to show them you really care [and that they don’t need to be annoying to get your attention.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing on June 20th, on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Here’s How To End Things With Someone You Weren’t “Officially” Dating

Here’s an interesting post by one of my female readers.

Several years back, I found myself grappling with a rather common conundrum. After casually dating the same guy for several months, I decided I wasn’t invested enough in the relationship to pursue it any further. But since we never decided it was exclusive, put a label on things, or defined the relationship in any way whatsoever, I had no clue what the protocol was. If you, too, are wondering how to end things with someone you weren’t “officially” dating, then know this: There’s no one-size-fits-all formula because how you approach it will depend on such factors as how long you’ve been dating, how serious things were getting, etc. However, experts say there are certain tried-and-true guidelines you should stick to when breaking off an undefined relationship.

According to Maria Sullivan, dating expert and VP of Dating.com, and Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, it makes sense why it might feel awk AF to call it quits on something that was never made official, especially if you generally avoid or put off confrontation.

“Everyone hates uncomfortable conversations,” says Trombetti. “And if you’re someone that hates to hurt anyone’s feelings or doesn’t like to disappoint, it never feels good.

That’s why it can be pretty tempting to dodge the conversation entirely. But as much as you may prefer to “Irish exit” your almost bae, experts agree the one thing you shouldn’t do is neglect to formally end things, no matter how casual your relationship was.

It's best to meet in person or call when ending things with a person you weren't official with.

Jovo Jovanovic/Stocksy

“You shouldn’t just let things fizzle out or ghost someone, because it makes the process of moving on a lot harder,” explains Sullivan. “It leaves a lot of questions unanswered and often people will begin to blame themselves for why things didn’t work out when it might have just been bad timing.”

Trombetti advises following the golden rule: Treat others the way you want to be treated. If you’ve ever had someone leave you hanging, you probably know it doesn’t feel so great. So, just as you would likely want the person you’re casually dating to be upfront with you, it’s advisable to provide your unofficial boo with the same level of honesty.

Of course, if the person you were dating has mistreated you or made you feel unsafe in any way, then you have absolutely no obligation to meet up with them in person or even call them on the phone. Your top priority should be to break it off in whatever way makes you feel comfortable and secure.

Otherwise, both experts concur that the best way to handle this situation is in person, or at the very least, with a phone call — particularly if you’ve spent a significant amount of time together. A text may suffice if you’ve only been on a few dates, but if you’ve been seeing each other for months, it’s best to call them up or make a plan to meet. A phone call allows the person you’ve been dating to hear your voice, which is a huge advantage over text because tone can play a major role in how they react to your decision. It also shows them that you care enough to engage in a two-way conversation and give them a chance to say what’s on their mind. On the other hand, if you decide to meet in person, you’ll want to be mindful of when and where you meet. In general, it’s best to choose a location where you can have a private conversation, which means a bar or a restaurant are probably a no-go. You can meet up at their apartment, or even offer to take a walk.

When I broke it off with my aforementioned not-quite-boyfriend, I asked him to meet me at a local park. I later found out that since this was an unusual place for us to link up, this tipped him off that something might be up, and he actually came prepared for the possibility that we might be ending things. I cut to the chase pretty quickly and simply told him, “I think you have a lot to offer, and I feel really lucky that you reminded me how I deserve to be treated by someone I’m dating. But I’m having trouble seeing a future here, and given that my life is about to get really hectic, I think it’s best if we go our separate ways.” To my relief, he took it super well — so well, in fact, that shortly after that, he supported my crowdfunding campaign for the album I was recording, and when we ran into each other a couple months later, we were able to exchange pleasantries with barely any awkwardness.

Breaking up with someone you aren't official with isn't easy, but it does offer closure.

Javier Díez/Stocksy

I can’t tell you exactly how to go about breaking up with someone you weren’t official with because only you know what feels right given your unique romantic circumstances. But I will say this: wherever, whenever or however you opt to end things, it’s worth having a plan for what you’ll say. If you decide ahead of time how exactly you’ll bring it up, you’re less likely to back out of breaking it off at the last minute. For example, Trombetti suggests saying something along the lines of, “I’m so glad I got to know you, but I just don’t feel like we’re right for each other” or, “I’ve had a lot of fun with you, but I just don’t see this continuing.” Starting with something positive may help to soften the blow, and following up with a super direct statement ensures that you don’t leave any room for confusion about the fact that the relationship is over.

“You should be prepared for the other person to be disappointed, and maybe even questioning why you made this decision,” Trombetti tells Elite Daily. “Don’t go off script and engage. You don’t need to get into the nitty-gritty such as ‘I am just not that attracted to you’ or ‘I find you to be a bit of a jerk.’ If you weren’t official, you don’t owe them those explanations — and let’s face it, your reasons are usually never going to sit well with them. It’s best to be kind, brief, and honest.”

So, here’s a recap. It’s best to end things either over the phone or in-person, depending on what feels right for your specific situation. Always have a plan for exactly what you’re going to say, and consider starting on a positive note, but ending on a clear-cut statement that you don’t wish to continue the relationship. Never feel like you need to over-explain yourself or justify your decision. While it may not be easy to break it off with someone you were never official with, it’s ultimately good dating karma. Remember: Having an honest convo is the best way to get closure, which is something you both deserve, even if your relationship wasn’t ever fully defined.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing on June 20th, on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

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