11 Mistakes That Will Tank Your First Date

Going on a first date can feel like walking a tightrope: You’re trying to impress her without coming on too strong—or worse, looking desperate. You want to seem smart but not condescending. Funny but not obnoxious. You don’t want to talk about trivial matters, but at the same time, know you can’t delve into anything too serious. Politics, religion, and past partners are all off the table. There are so many rules!

While you’re in your head trying to figure out what to say (and wondering if you fully wiped off all that spaghetti sauce from your beard), you also need to actively listen to your date in order to respond appropriately. If you don’t respond well to what she’s saying, then the date is surely going to be a bust.

This is why a lot of guys get nervous on a first date and end up blowing it. Not to worry, we spoke with a few relationship experts about the most common mistakes guys make on a first date, and how to avoid them. While some of these mistakes may seem trivial, but let’s face it: It’s a first date. You don’t get a lot of leeway to mess things up when there’s no established relationship.

With that in mind, here’s how to avoid 11 common first date mistakes so you can ace your first impression—and schedule a second date before the waiter brings out dessert. (And if you’re struggling to come up with a solid first date idea, check out our list of 40 first date ideas that will make you look like a creative genius.)

1. Keep Your Hands to Yourself

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You might think that touching her a lot on the first date shows that you’re into her. Not the case, says relationship expert April Masini of AskApril.com. What you’re actually showing her is that you’re super-touchy on every first date. Way to make a girl feel special, right?

Avoid the pitfall: “On a first date, touch should be limited and only natural, friendly, and warm—not sexual,” says Carole Lieberman, M.D., author of Bad Girls: Why Men Love Them & How Good Girls Can Learn Their Secrets. In other words, it’s fine to take her hand to help her out of your car, or put your hand on her lower back to lead her through a crowded restaurant. But don’t drape your arm around her neck and hold her close the entire time.

2. Make It a Two-Way Conversation

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Sure, you have to tell her about yourself, but dominating the conversation by rambling about your life will make you look narcissistic. Or worse: By not showing any interest in her, it can seem like you’re just waiting for the date to be over so you can get her into bed, Dr. Lieberman says.

Avoid the pitfall: What will impress her even more than learning about your accomplishments is seeing that you’re genuinely interested in hearing about her. If you’re not sure where to start, her job is usually a good bet. “Women love knowing that you take their work and ambitions seriously,” Dr. Lieberman says. “Ask her about what made her go into her career, and what she plans or wants to accomplish. Find out why it’s important to her.”

3. Don’t Drop the F-Bombs

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Some women may love bad boys, but swearing like a sailor doesn’t make you Charlie Hunnam. “Cursing gets old very quickly,” Dr. Lieberman says. “It makes it look like you’re trying to be cool.”

Avoid the pitfall: This one is easy: Curb the cursing habit now, in anticipation of all your future first dates (and job interviews, and other non-sailing situations), Dr. Lieberman says. It’s too difficult to just turn off a habit for a few hours, so eliminate four-letter words from your everyday vocabulary.

4. Leave Your Rolodex at Home

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If you spend the date dropping names, as in: “I know the guy who created Angry Birds,” or “I text Jason Mamoa,” then you sound like a try-hard who needs celebrity clout to impress her. (But hey, could we get Jason’s number?) And if you tell long stories about your friends and their shenanigans, you’ll bore her to death.

Avoid the pitfall: Check yourself before you name-drop—it almost never sounds good, Masini says. As for that story about your buddies’ epic trip to Tijuana, save reliving your glory days for when you’re back together with them.

5. Be a Gentleman

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Women today don’t need over-the-top chivalry, but that doesn’t mean you should slack on your manners. Letting the door slam in her face, talking down to waiters, and spending the entire date glued to your phone are all behaviors that she won’t find attractive.

Avoid the pitfall: “No matter how modern she is, a woman wants doors held open for her,” Dr. Lieberman says. “She also wants you to have good table manners.” At the very least, you should try to be the gentleman your mother raised you to be. And a general rule for every date: Stay off your phone.

6. Curb Any Excessive Enthusiasm

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Giddiness doesn’t read as enthusiasm on a first date—it reads as anxiety, according to psychologist Tracy Thomas, Ph.D. “You end up sending the message that you’re uncomfortable with yourself, and unable to self-regulate,” Thomas explains. In other words, you look like a nervous wreck, and she’s going to bail.

Avoid the pitfall: If you tend to get too giddy, plan a date with a distraction so that you’re not on the spot for suave conversation the entire time, Dr. Lieberman says. Some good options to take the pressure off: a play or a concert. You’ll still have the opportunity to talk, just not as much.

7. Go for (Non-offensive) Jokes

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Joking around with your date is a great way to break the ice. Women like funny guys. Men like funny guys. Everyone likes funny guys. Humor is an excellent tool. But, don’t go overboard. If you start getting heavy into politics, non-PC humor, or negging, she’s going to ask for the check and run like the wind.

Avoid the pitfall: Keep the humor light. Find out something you both agree on. For instance, maybe you both think Frasier is a pretentious and terrible show. Joke about that together. If she loves Colbert, make some Colbert-style jokes. If she likes your funny voices, joke with her. Don’t get out of control and start ranting and raving about Jill Stein or how much you love Bernie Sanders on a first date. Funny can quickly spiral into “bonkers” territory.

8. Don’t be Weird About Splitting the Bill

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Don’t buckle down on not allowing her to split the bill with you. We live in a society where we can have egalitarian partnerships. We’re all making money, it’s OK for partners to split the bill. If a person really wants to, consider letting her. If you’d like to pick up the check, be polite about it.

Avoid the pitfall: If it’s a first date, let them know that you’d really like to treat her. Explain that you’re totally willing to go dutch on your next date, but since they agreed to spend her evening with you, you’d like to get this one. If they are really insistent, don’t be weird about it. Just split the bill. It’s not a test. They just want to be equals and establish boundaries. And remember, just because you buy dinner does not, in any way, mean a person owes you anything; not a hug, a kiss, or sex.

9. Resist Bringing Your Resumé

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Arrogance is really just your insecurity showing, Dr. Lieberman says. You may feel like you need to emphasize the parts of your background that scream “elite” to impress her. But flashing possessions or dropping “one time at Princeton” into the conversation too many times just makes you look like an asshole.

Avoid the pitfall: As a general rule, first-date conversations shouldn’t include talk about anything too superficial unless there’s a good reason for it to come up. For example, it’s fine to tell her you went to Harvard Law only if you’re talking about how brutal Massachusetts winters are.

10. Don’t Be a Schlub

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It’s not as harsh as it sounds: Chances are she just thinks you need to work on your grooming. Most guys can look decent if they invest in a good haircut, do some manscaping, and dress well, Masini says.

Avoid the pitfall: Take heart in the fact that you don’t have to work nearly as hard as she does to prepare for a date. But that doesn’t mean you can skip the basics: showering, shaving, and spritzing on cologne. Wear a simple-yet-polished outfit like dark jeans, a blazer, and loafers, and you’ll look put-together without seeming like you’re trying too hard. (For more guidance, check out what to wear on a first date.)

11. Offer a Polite Compliment

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If you start off with some comment on how great her legs look in that skirt, she’s not going to be into it. She will be immediately put off. Comments on appearance have to be given with finesse or you’ll start the evening (or end it) on the wrong note.

Avoid the pitfall: Stick to gentlemanly compliments. You’re safe with, “You look really nice tonight,” or “Wow, I know we’ve been out a few times already, but it feels like you get more beautiful every single time I see you.” If your date is not a person who enjoys compliments on her appearance, go for a cool line like, “I can’t get enough of your laugh.” Everyone likes to know they are appreciated, but you have to be self-aware enough to offer the right phrasing.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Why You’re Failing At Online Dating (And The One Trick That Attracts Love)

One change can make all the difference.

You may be surprised to find out why online dating sites aren’t working for you. It’s not creeps sexting you pictures of their junk, it’s not gold-diggers out for free meals, it’s not married people secretly looking for a little action on the side, and it’s not scammers or catfish preying on lonely people in an attempt to extort money.

I’ve heard all the horror stories in my work as a relationship coach. Despite the dark side of looking for love with online dating, the reality might shock you even more because it’s unexpected.

What’s the real reason online dating isn’t working for you?

The truth is no matter what your experience or back story, the main reason dating sites don’t work for the majority of people is simple: it’s ineffective or poorly developed profiles. That’s the shock of it.

Many of the struggles are self-inflicted. Now, if that sentence offends you at all, that may be a clue for you to pay special attention. I didn’t say it’s all your fault or that you somehow deserve to suffer; on the contrary, I do this work because everyone deserves to feel more loved than they’ve felt before — and that includes you.

The reality is, one-third of all new marriages began with an online date, so there is absolutely no doubt whatsoever that online dating does work. But here’s the other interesting statistic: only about 20 percent of online daters say it’s working for them, which is defined by whether they’re dating, in a relationship, engaged, or married as a result.

If you do the quick and simple math there, that means that 80 percent of online daters are not getting the result they think they’re paying for on those sites. Too many really great people are getting frustrated and starting to doubt themselves because they might not be great writers or understand one other critical distinction that makes all the difference.

Let me explain.

Your dating profile is an advertisement. That’s because its job is to get attention, cause engagement, pique curiosity, create a favorable impression and generate a response. If your profile fails at any single one of those jobs, you fail. Game over. No click? No date. No intrigue? No sale.

The difference between a good ad and a bad ad is simple. A good ad works and gets a response, which is the intended result; a bad ad gets ignored and is a tremendous waste of time, money, and resources.

Remember, we’re talking about 80 percent of millions of people. There are a lot of great catches slipping through those nets every day and I want to change that.

The specific problem with most dating profiles is that they lack a cohesive and coherent message, so it’s no surprise that potential partners lose the thread or check out early.

That’s an automatic fail. If someone can’t get a “take away,” they will tend to “go away.”

Rather than offering crystal clarity about what the writer brings to the table for their partner, instead, they focus on self-serving, pointless, and unconvincing recitations of their own demands. That sounds more like a ransom letter than a love note to the partner you haven’t yet met, doesn’t it?

Is it any wonder that’s not working? If it wouldn’t work with you, why do you think someone else might be intrigued by that approach? 

With all due respect, do you think the fact that you’re a guy who loves sports or a woman who loves jeans and a cute little black cocktail dress really makes you stand out from the crowd? Come on! You can’t really expect to get attention if your profile blends in and sounds like every other profile, can you?

Your dating profile is failing — just like 80 percent of them do — because it’s missing some key ingredients that people need in order to see you as a viable, potential partner.

The bottom line? There’s no reason to throw away good money on dating sites when you can throw away your old, ineffective dating profile instead. What have you got to lose but your own frustration or loneliness?

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

4th of July Date Ideas (That Won’t Break the Bank)

Here are a bunch of fun ways to ignite some sparks of your own.

1. Plan an outdoor picnic. We know, it may sound a little clichéd, but grab an American flag blanket at a cheapie store (c’mon, show your patriotism), a bottle of wine, and some American fare to share with your guy. You can bring along a Frisbee or Nerf ball to toss around after lunch. Outdoor eating can be much more relaxed and romantic (not to mention more affordable) than your typical dinner and drinks.

2. Hit up a rooftop bar with your guy. You’ll get to enjoy cocktails in the breezy summer weather, and you might even be able to spot a nearby fireworks show — minus the crowds and mobs of children.

3. Go on a romantic “getaway.” Almost every town has its appeal on the 4th, so head to your local tourist hot spot. Breaking your usual routine and taking advantage of what your town or city has to offer will make you feel like you’re on a mini vacation. Plus, experiencing new activities with your guy is exciting.

4. Bake a 4th of July cake. Don’t go all Betty Crocker on your guy, but baking a festive cake with him can be a flirty, fun way to get some one-on-one time. Top the cake with whipped cream, blueberries, and strawberries. Hint: If you happen to buy too much whipped cream, you can always find, um, other uses for it.

5. Head to an outdoor concert. A lot of cities host 4th of July concert and firework shows (what’s not to like about two-for-one dates?). Check out your local paper to see what’s going on nearby. Don’t feel like springing for tickets? You can usually mingle your way close enough to the concert stage, but outside the seat parameter, to listen to the live music for free.

6. Host a BBQ. We all know guys like to barbecue, so let your man be manly as he grills up the hamburgers and ribs. A casual cookout can be a great way to break the ice and introduce him to your family or friends. Don’t forget the festive cocktails!

7. Do something historic. Google your town or city to find out what local American memorials or museums you can visit. You’ll both learn a bit about the past and get a renewed appreciation for your heritage.

8. Get wet. When we think of July we think beaches and bikinis. If you don’t live near a beach, find a friend with a pool or buy a day pass to a public pool. Upload summer tunes to your iPod and have your guy rub you down with sunscreen and cocoa butter. You two can even sport those corny American flag bathing suits if you feel so inclined.

9. Have a movie night. If you’re far away from the beach and fireworks, invite your guy over for a movie night, 4th of July style. Pick out a few festive flicks and cozy up in front of the TV. Some suggestions: Born on the Fourth of July, Independence Day, and The Patriot.

10. Bond over a bonfire. You could always forgo the fireworks and curl up around a campfire with him. Bring along sparklers to get into the spirit.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Undeniable Signs Your Ex Wants You Back After A Breakup

It’s obvious.

Relationships aren’t always a straight line. While movies teach us that there is an order to which things must go if we’re going to make our relationships go the distance, the truth is that most of the time life is just too kooky to follow any prescribed guidelines.

Sure, some people do meet their partners, flirt, date, fall in love, and get married. But then there’s, you know… everybody else on planet Earth. You meet, you flirt, and then you lose their number. You start dating and break up abruptly only to get back together three years later. Relationships and “plans” don’t exactly go together brilliantly.

Is it any wonder then that people get so confused about where they stand when it comes to the person they are dating? Figuring out if someone is flirting with you is tricky enough on its own, but trying to decode the signs your ex wants you back after a breakup, that’s like advanced level mathematics.

If you split up with a girlfriend and she’s still in your life, chances are you have asked yourself at least once “Does my ex miss me?” and thought about whether or not the two of you should get back together. You’ve probably also wondered if she misses you.

Since you can’t exactly come out and ask her that (at least not without ingesting several different beers and probably some questionable snack foods), we’re here to help you figure out if there’s a possibility she’s still harboring those romantic feelings from days of yore!

Here are 15 signs your ex misses you and wants you back.

1. She picks a fight with you for no reason.

Actually, there is a reason. The reason is that she’s still harboring feelings for you and just straight-up doesn’t know how to deal with that.

So what does she do instead? Yell at you because your car is “stupid.”

2. She finds silly reasons to reach out.

“I saw a guy wearing a coat on the street that looked just like yours so I had to call and see if it was you!” No, she didn’t. She missed you and needed the excuse to call you u

3. She’s all over your social media.

Sure, nothing noteworthy about liking a couple of pics on Instagram, but liking every pic posted since you guys split? She’s missing you.

4. She tries to make you jealous.

Speaking of social media, take a peep at her feed. Is she rocking new hair, a low-cut top, a new dude or two? It’s no accident — she’s trying to get your attention.

5. She complains about her current relationship.

Sure, the two of you agreed to be friends, but all this griping about her new guy could indicate that she wants to be with you and not him.

6. She gets jealous of the women you date.

Of course, she doesn’t see it that way. She just thinks you could do better. Like, you know, getting back together with her

7. She won’t return your stuff.

You know she still has your favorite t-shirt, but she denies it. Why? Because it still smells like you and she can’t let go of that.

8. She talks about you with your mutual friends.

You hear from one friend or another that she’s talking about you fondly. She’s trying to get back into your life and it’s a truly grassroots campaign.

9. She gets nostalgic out of nowhere.

As far as you’re concerned, the first time you met her parents was a disaster… which is why it’s so weird she’s telling the story like it’s sweet and funny now, and you didn’t totally set her dad on fire during the fondue party. My girlfriend misses you!

10. She booty calls you late at night.

Hell, if she’s booty calling you at all it could be evidence that she’s still hooked.

11. She refuses to talk to you after you split.

You thought everything was cool but now she’s giving you the cold shoulder. She isn’t mad, she’s hurting and she misses you.

12. She hasn’t dated anybody new.

She’s holding out, not because she couldn’t get someone new easily, but because she wants to get back together with you!

13. She shows up to all the same events as you do.

She wasn’t always a party girl, which makes her sudden appearances at the same social gatherings as you a little obvious. She wants to reconnect and she’s making sure it happens.

14. She mentions things about you that she misses.

“I miss your smile” doesn’t just mean you have a great set of teeth. It means she misses you and saying she misses just one piece of you is a lot easier.

15. She’s sending you romantic texts and sexts.

How much more of a clue do you need, man? She wants you, needs you and misses you. She is basically telling you so.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

20 Easy-To-Miss Signs You’re In Love With The Wrong Person – Part 2

11. Their Behavior In Public Sometimes Embarrasses You

If you have a partner who is unable to act like an adult in public, you may be with the wrong person, Rappaport says. Maybe they have an annoying habit of getting super rowdy or maybe they don’t show respect for servers. “You don’t want to be apologizing for your partner’s bad behavior,” she says. If you find yourself in situations where you feel the need to make excuses or apologize for your partner’s behavior, you’re probably in love with the wrong person.

If this is happening in your relationship, talk to your partner about it. Don’t bring it up at the moment, and berate them like a child. Instead, wait until you’re alone together and have a serious talk. “Wait until you’re out of the situation, your emotions have neutralized and you’re in a private space to tell your partner that they embarrassed you and why,” Campana says. If it goes well, you can use this conversation as a way to understand your partner and possibly bring you closer together. If your partner can’t take the conversation seriously, it’s a telling sign that they’re not serious about you.

12. You Don’t Feel Comfortable Talking To Your Partner About What You Really Want In Bed

The definition of “good sex” varies from person to person. As Ricciardi says, “It’s unrealistic to think you’re going to be craving your partner’s body 24/7, 365 days a year like lovebirds do in the movies, but having a healthy sex life with lots of passion and desire is super important.” If you find that your partner isn’t as interested in things that you are in the bedroom or you find yourself not being sexually pleased, she says you may have fallen in love with the wrong person. Sure, many people have different libido levels or want different things in bed. Although communication is key, you need to have that level of intimacy in order to feel comfortable enough to tell your partner what you really want. “If you’re with the right person, your pleasure should be important to them,” she says.

13. You’re Having A Lot Of Sex Without Any Intimacy

If sexual compatibility is the only thing keeping you together, you may not be with the right one.

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“Most people think that regular sex with your partner means a healthy relationship, but not always,” Ponaman says. Instead, “emotional, connected sex” equates to a healthy relationship. If you’ve fallen in love with the wrong person, you may have this idea that having more sex is the key to keeping your relationship alive. According to Ponaman, many couples unconsciously shift from sex with an emotional connection to sex for necessity. “If it becomes something you pencil into your schedule, it’s no longer an act of love but a ‘to-do,'” she says. If sex is the only thing keeping the two of you together, that’s a sign you may be with the wrong one.

14. You Overthink Everything You’re Going To Say Because You Worry About What Your Partner Will Think

While it’s important to watch what you say, it’s even more important to have the freedom to express your feelings. When you’re in love with the wrong person, you will have a hard time being your true self around them. As Ellen Bolin, certified professional relationship coach, tells us, “You’ll never want to disappoint or ‘rock the boat,’ so you worry about how your partner is going to react to what you may want or need.” The right person will make you feel 100% comfortable being yourself. You’ll be able to say whatever you want without feeling like you’re going to be judged or ridiculed. If your partner triggers your deeply rooted insecurities or fears, reconsider whether this is a relationship that’s worth staying in. “Every relationship brings out different sides of our personality,” Campana says. “The most important thing is that the sides our partner brings out are the sides that we really like.”

15. They Like Having Things Go Their Way

“If you have a partner that is a bit selfish and has to have their way all the time, you may be … with someone who has not grown up sufficiently enough to be in a relationship,” Rappaport says. A healthy relationship with the right person is one where there’s compromise. You should be able to feel like your voice and your opinions truly matter to them. If you don’t, you might have fallen for someone who’s all wrong for you because they don’t respect you enough to see you as an equal.

16. You Don’t Care If Your Friends Or Family Like Them

Your friends and family can see things about your partner that you don't.

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As Samantha Daniels, Dating Expert and Founder of Samantha’s Table Matchmaking tells us, this is a big one for the majority of people in relationships. “The blessing of your friends and family can make or break any relationship,” she says. But if you find yourself thinking that you don’t care if your friends and family like the person you’re in love with, this may be a sign you’re in love with the wrong person. “This typically indicates that you might not feel as strongly about this person as you thought because if you did, then you would seek validation from your friends and family members.”

17. Being Around Their Family Makes You Uneasy

“I’m not saying this is a deal-breaker, but it certainly can be,” Susan Trombetti, matchmaker and CEO of Exclusive Matchmaking, tells us. This is especially true if the family is super important to both of you. So if you just can’t stand their family (or vice versa), you may have picked the wrong person. “Chances are, no matter how crazy or wrong your partner’s family might be, they love them,” Trombetti says. “You may need to find someone to be in love with whose family is a better fit for you.” According to her, sometimes it happens. This is one of those things you really need to decide if you can live with.

18. They Are All About You And Your Needs Only

Having a partner who’s all about your needs may seem like a dream situation to some. But as dating coach Julie Spira says, this is an easy-to-miss sign that you’ve fallen in love with the wrong person. For example, when you and your partner are trying to choose a restaurant for dinner, your partner is the type to always (or most of the time) say, “I don’t care, you choose.” As Spira says, this constant catering to your needs could indicate that they don’t feel comfortable speaking up for their own wants or needs. “They may not feel comfortable enough to be themselves in the relationship or they struggle with their own feelings of insecurity and desire to please others,” she says. You should be with a partner, not someone who’s just going to wait and take orders from you. That is not the person you may want to be in a relationship with.

19. Your Relationship Makes You Feel Emotionally Exhausted

If your partner is emotionally exhausting, your relationship may be more trouble than it's worth.

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Nobody says relationships are easy. But it shouldn’t be so difficult to the point that you’re completely drained. As Daniels says, “a good relationship should leave you feeling energized, not drained.” If you realize that being with your significant other makes you feel emotionally exhausted, you may be in love with the wrong person. “This sign typically indicates that you don’t feel emotionally free and stable around this person, therefore you have to put up a front when you’re with them, leaving you emotionally drained,” she says.

20. You Love The Potential More Than The Reality

“​If you find yourself imaging who the person could be rather than who they actually are, this is a huge red flag,” Matlin says. ​In other words, you’re creating a fantasy scenario in your head while ignoring the realities of the situation. “Sometimes we love potential more than reality because we are actually scared of true vulnerability and commitment,” she says. “But this is self-sabotage in the making.” So if you find that your fantasy about your relationship doesn’t quite match up to reality, you may be in love with the wrong person.

It’s easy to beat yourself up when relationships fail or you keep going back to the same types of people that aren’t the best for you. But as Ponaman says, always have compassion for yourself.

“You didn’t do anything wrong, and this says nothing of your worth or ability to attract someone great,” she says. “This simply means you’ve made choices that are not aligned with who you truly are. If you want to find someone right for you, go back to square one. I know it’s hard to start over, but trust me, it’s worth it.”

Letting go of a situation that seems right but isn’t truly what you want can be hard. But if you can muster up the courage to do it, you can be in a relationship with the right person who loves you and who you love in return.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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