The Brutal Reason Why You’re Addicted to Dating Emotionally Unavailable Men

The toxic effect of chasing men who won’t give you what you want

When you crave romantic love, you can’t live without it. But, when you’re addicted to chasing emotionally unavailable men, love becomes intoxicating.

These men can drip feed you with bits of affection, which keeps you hanging on for more, even though they do not want a relationship. You can’t get enough of them, whereby you end up addicted to wanting someone who’s not that into you — a toxic love addiction or unrequited love.

Like a drug addiction, it all feels good at the beginning. Relationships can seem distorted through an altered perspective when you’re hanging out for it.

It all feels good until the intoxicating effects of the relationship start wearing off. After the rush and excitement, it all comes crashing down, until you want more to feel the same high.

You’ve become hooked on the relationship. But, what happens when the other person doesn’t want more? You can’t get enough of them, chasing them, and waiting for the next feel-good moment.

You can look towards men to make yourself feel good when you don’t feel good enough. You can project them to be everything you ever wanted. So, you end up getting hooked into feeling good about yourself, through the lens that you see them.

You can end up on a high from chasing someone who doesn’t want a relationship, due to the intoxicating feeling. The anticipation of seeing them excites you and overrides your sense of reality.

You may feel the urge for more and they don’t want it. Somehow, you get drawn to a person who is emotionally unavailable to you. You’re addicted to the excitement of chasing them. When you pine over them, you want them more, so you can feel good again.

When you are craving romantic love, you might ignore the signs that you are not loved back. Having a love addiction can distort your perspective when you hold onto the hope or the fantasy of obtaining unmet and one-sided love.

As a relationship therapist, I hear the agony of unrequited love from those who feel stuck chasing men who don’t love them.

You must be honest with yourself and face the brutal truth when you are in love with someone who is not that into you. Otherwise, you can become blind-sighted and in denial about the actual relationship.

So, why do you have a love addiction for men who are unobtainable in some way?

It is easy to stay attached because it feels better than accepting the reality that the relationship could be over.

Love is an addiction and it can feel good, even if it’s not good for you.

You do not want to acknowledge the actual truth, because you do not want to be alone, so you’ve created this fantasy that you are loved. You can project your hopes and fantasies onto them, feeling intense passion, that is one-sided. You see them as whatever you want them to be, to fulfill your unmet needs.

You can look to others to feel good about yourself when you feel not good enough. So, you end up getting hooked into feeling good about yourself, through the lens that you see them

You ignore the signs that love is one-sided because you cannot stop yourself from holding on. You can end up chasing them and put effort into a dead-end relationship. They may even tell you the relationship is over, but you do not believe them.

You may even be misguided to think that if you fight for the relationship, you will convince them to love you back. Like an addict, you’ll do whatever it takes to get that high.

Having an addiction to unavailable men means you hold onto those who do not love you because it feels better than getting over them.

It can feel worse to go without — temporally.

The toxic effects of the addiction to pursuing unavailable men diminishes your self-worth and self-esteem, so you feel worse about yourself. This can cause many to put more effort into a dead-end relationship that goes nowhere.

Sometimes, it’s hard to be honest with the situation. Your hopes and dreams can cause you to believe whatever you want, rather than see the truth.

You’ve become addicted to something that is toxic for you and became dependent on a relationship that doesn’t really exist.

You end up attracting men who do not want a relationship while sacrificing your chances of finding real love.

The only way to recover is to withdraw from the relationship and learn how to move on from the toxic love.

The truth is, you’ve become addicted when you get hit with the intoxicating feelings so that you end up wanting more. It can be hard to give up something that feels good but is not good for you.

So you settle for someone to escape the empty void within yourself, of feeling not good enough from unmet love. When you stop looking externally to feel good about yourself, and look within yourself, you can heal the addiction of loving someone who doesn’t love you back.

Nancy Carbone is a relationship therapist. If you notice you’re addicted to chasing emotionally unavailable men, you can schedule an appointment by contacting Nancy on her website at Counselling Service Melbourne or follow her on social media for more tips and advice.

 

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

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7 Relationship Mistakes That Shouldn’t Happen More Than Once

It’s common to experience ups and downs with your partner. And as long as you love and support each other through it all, you’ll likely be able to work on your differences, developing healthy boundaries, and learning how to compromise. It’s only when toxic problems keep happening in your relationship  despite the fact you tried to fix them — that you may have a problem on your hands.

“Sometimes people make mistakes. It could be out of ignorance or a weak moment. At that point, if you love the person and it’s not a dealbreaker, it’s acceptable to forgive and move on,” Jonathan Bennett, relationship and dating expert at Double Trust Dating, tells us. “However, if your partner makes the same ‘mistakes’ constantly […] it then becomes a red flag that you’re dating a toxic person and you might need to seek outside help or even breakup.”

The choice is up to you when it comes to what feels like a dealbreaker and what doesn’t. But if certain relationship problems keep happening — such as a pattern of toxicity, lack of trust, or boundary issues — it can and will affect your relationship in the long-run. If any of the issues below happen more than once, experts say it may be a sign of a bigger problem in your relationship. Or simply a sign it’s not meant to work out.

1. Relying On An Ex For Emotional Support

Ashley Batz/Bustle

There’s nothing wrong with being friends with your exes, so long as you and your partner are on the same page about it. If everything’s agreed upon, you can all be friends, text, hang out — no problem.

It’s only if you notice your partner reaching out to exes for emotional support — instead of turning to you — that it may be a sign of a problem.

“When we begin looking [for support] outside of our relationship, that is a sign that our needs are not being met with our current partner,” psychotherapist Jennifer L. Silvershein, LCSW, tells us. It could also mean your partner is hung up on their ex, or that something is going on behind your back.

According to Silvershein, this realization should prompt a conversation about the current health of your relationship. By talking about it, you and your partner can set up boundaries and figure out ways to provide better support for each other — in a way that doesn’t involve leaning too heavily on an ex.

2. Keeping A Big Secret

Ashley Batz/Bustle

It’s fine if it takes time to get to the point where you feel safe opening up to each other about your deepest, darkest secrets. But if you two develop a habit of keeping your thoughts/worries/anxieties to yourself, it will create problems down the road.

“While you don’t have to tell your partner every detail of your life, it’s important to be open about the big issues,” Bennett says. “You might be able to get away with keeping a secret once. But, if you’ve agreed to be open and transparent as a couple, keeping another major secret is a sign of underlying toxicity.” It may also point to a lack of trust in your relationship — which is something you’ll want to begin working on ASAP if you’d like to keep the relationship going.

3. Forgetting An Important Date

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

It’s totally forgivable if your partner forgets the date of your first anniversary, or accidentally misses a date you had planned. Not everyone has an ironclad memory, and sometimes a busy schedule gets in the way.

But if things like this keep happening, it may be a sign they’re not invested in the relationship. “Everyone can be forgetful and you’re bound to have a memory lapse on occasion,” Bennett says. “If [they] forget twice, it just proves [your] happiness is not [their] priority.”

4. Needing To Take A Break

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

In order to see your relationship with fresh eyes, it’s sometimes necessary to take a break or spend time apart. And that’s completely fine. “But, if you take breaks or break up more than once, it’s a sign the relationship is unhealthy,” Bennett says. “If you have to keep separating, it’s probably best just to break up and move on.”

5. Not Acknowledging Your Relationship In Public

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

If your relationship is still in its early stages, you may be able to forgive the act of downplaying your status. For example, “on a night out, [if] you run into a group of their friends, your partner may introduce you as a ‘friend,'” Amica Graber, a relationship expert for the background checking site TruthFinder, tells us.

While it may not feel great, it’s understandable the first time. But once you talk about making a commitment, this shouldn’t ever happen again. “It’s acceptable for someone to muddle their words when you first start a relationship, but only once,” Graber says. “If someone wants to keep your relationship a secret, something is wrong.”

6. Teasing To An Unhealthy Degree

Ashley Batz/Bustle

In many cases, there’s nothing wrong with occasionally poking fun at each other, or cracking jokes at your partner’s expense. As long as you’re both OK with it, it’s definitely not a problem.

Take note, though, if you’re constantly the butt of your partner’s jokes. “If a partner makes a hurtful comment when teasing, it’s important to explain that you don’t like that comment, and not to do it again,” Graber says. “We can all accidentally hit a raw nerve with friendly banter, but when someone says not to do it again — listen. If a partner continues to tease you in an area you’ve defined as off-limits, they need to go.”

7. Crossing A Boundary

Andrew Zaeh for Bustle

Similarly, it can take time to learn each other’s boundaries, as well as what pushes each other’s buttons. So don’t despair if you cross the line a few times, or if you accidentally upset each other.

As Graber says, “A new partner will test your boundaries at some point, and that is your opportunity to lay down some ground rules.” These moments are the perfect time to chat about what’s OK to talk about, and what isn’t — as well as what the “rules” will be for your relationship going forward.

“This is totally natural,” Graber says. “But watch out if someone habitually tries to test your boundaries. It’s a telltale sign of a toxic person.”

All couples have problems that crop up from time to time. As long as you’re working on improving them, they don’t have to be a dealbreaker. It’s only when the same annoying problems keep happening, and it’s starting to feel toxic, that you may want to reevaluate your relationship — to make sure it’s the right one for you.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

5 Signs Your Innocent Friendship Has Turned Into a Full-Blown Emotional Affair

Emotional affairs often begin as non-sexual friendships.

What is an emotional affair? How did your innocent flirting with someone you claim to be just good friends with turn into emotional cheating and infidelity?

I cannot count how many couples have come into my life with their relationships in shambles — with one spouse saying that their partner had an affair, with the other denying an affair occurred often proclaiming that they are “just really good friends” and that they “never had sex”.

So…was it an emotional affair?

In a monogamous relationship, people share both emotional and sexual information that is exclusive to their partners. They expose their weaknesses, mistakes, and innermost feelings.

We build trust with the other person because we make ourselves vulnerable. These conversations are valued and treasured by us because we know this information is reserved for us and only we have access to these aspects of our partner.

Emotional affairs often begin as non-sexual friendships. We confide in our friends perhaps because we feel our partner lacks understanding or they are unavailable.

This is particularly common with couples where one or both partners is a busy executive. When we lack access to our mate and need an outlet to talk to, we turn to our friends. And there are the always available social media, where platonic relationships can easily take root as deep and emotional friendships.

One important point here is that a majority of the emotional affairs begin as harmless friendships without any intention or plan to develop the relationship beyond that of a platonic friendship.

Unfortunately, we all have limited time, energy, and emotional resources available — and when these finite commodities are expended on the “friendship” rather than your partner relationship, there is a disconnection where the partner has cheated, emotionally.

An emotional affair is one where a person falls in love with another person but the relationship is not sealed with a sexual act. Over time, if the emotional affair continues (perhaps you flirt without realizing), it often leads to a sexual affair.

Emotional affairs can be devastating and destructive to your current relationship and family. In fact, emotional affairs can cause as much (or more) damage as physical affairs, but be more devious since they are less obvious.

Why? Because it leads to secrecy, deception, and is established primarily to gain an emotional high or to run away from negative experiences within the actual marriage itself.

One of my clients recounts, “I was so much more shattered by my husband finding solace and love with her. I could have more easily forgiven a one night stand because she wouldn’t have meant anything to him but as an object for sex.”

When someone falls in love and seeks such intimacy with that other person, when the time spent with the partner is superficial because their heart longs to be with someone else, the underlying trust is shaken.

Casual flirting or a crush don’t even begin to cover the irreparable damage such kind of “affairs” cause.

So, are you having an emotional affair or are you just friends? Are you on the path to an affair, even though nothing has physically escalated…yet?

Here are 5 signs you’re having an emotional affair (and you need to stop).

1. You have conversations you’re not too comfortable with your spouse knowing about

Do you find yourself hiding your phone (or getting a separate one), making sure your email and phone passwords are secret? Maybe you’re thinking “I’m glad my partner isn’t (reading, watching, finding) this (call, text, picture).”

These are signals the “friendship” boundaries have already been crossed.

2. You find yourself daydreaming or making plans with this person

Examine your mindshare. Does this person occupy your thoughts unceasingly? Are they on your mind when you go to sleep, when you awake in the morning, and during most of the day? Whenever you are alone, do you think about them and seek opportunities to speak with them?

In a way, you begin to idealize this person. You may become more discontent with your partner and share concerns and problems with your friend while becoming more distant with your spouse. At times, you may even have disappointment that your spouse doesn’t do things like your friend does.

You, then, begin to find faults in your spouse for habits, beliefs, or approaches to situations that were never an issue and have always been present in the relationship.

Your tolerance for your mate is then less and they begin to irritate you leading to the belief that this person understands much better you’re your spouse ever did or could.

If you find yourself feeling more connected to your friend rather than your own spouse, then clearly some changes need to be made.

3. You’ve lost interest in being intimate with your spouse

It is a fallacy you think that affairs begin in the bedroom. Affairs actually begin in the mind.

First, emotional involvement often leads to our seeing our friend as having few, if any, flaws. This leads to our partner’s flaws becoming considerably more obvious leading to our being critical of our spouse and their habits and mentally comparing them to our friend.

While looking your best for work or going out is not an issue, the action of doing so for a specific person is entirely different. The action of being visually attractive to another person begins in the mind.

Expending considerable emotional energy and thought into dressing up for a friend is a signal that the relationship has a deeper meaning than that of traditional friendship.

Once you dress the part do you let your imagination play out romantic fantasies about your friend? Daydreaming and planning a new life with our friend is often the next step in the progression of an emotional affair.

This mental scenario with our friend is beginning to evolve into a relationship that we feel would be far superior to that of our partner. Directing your energy into cultivating a fantasy is not far from the fantasy transforming into a reality.

4. You’re spending less time with your spouse

Are you spending less time with your mate since the relationship with your friend has become a more significant part of your life? Are you are sharing personal problems, feelings, and thoughts with your friend instead of your partner?

Do you create ways to talk with or be alone with your friend? Do you stage opportunities where it is probable you will run into your friend and then the opportunity to speak with them appears organic? Do you find excuses to talk with them?

Whenever you have something exciting in your life or anything good or bad happens, do you rush to this person to share?

Whether it is communication, your daily life stuff, affection, thoughts, time or focus, does your spouse get less of your mind share while your friend gets more?

While there is nothing wrong with having a good friend, the problem comes when you begin to share less with your mate.

If everything that you used to give to your partner has become considerably less or completely transferred to this new person these are warning signs that an emotional affair is in the works.

5. You keep secrets and lie

Are you keeping the friendship with the other person a secret? Do you minimize the amount of time you spend with your friend to others? Do you omit details about meetings, private lunches, or phone calls?

Do you guard passwords, access to your phone and social media accounts from being seen by your partner? Do you delete evidence from your phone, lie about your whereabouts or deny having communication with your friend?

These are also hallmarks of an emotional affair.

Now that you’ve realized that you’re on the brink of an affair without meaning to, what should you do next?

It is important to remember that even when such affairs do not cross the line and reach the physical stage, the impact is equally damaging and could put your marriage in a danger zone.

The intimacy and chemistry that is the core of an emotional affair have a deeper emotional intensity because you happen to be emotionally invested in it.

An emotional affair is bad, it can slowly disconnect you from your partner and you won’t even realize it. If you have such a kind of friendship with the opposite sex, cut the relationship ASAP. Otherwise, it will take you down the road of a physical affair very soon.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

12 Sad Signs You’re Emotionally Damaged & Are Too Broken To Love

But first, let’s define “broken.”

Over the years, I’ve learned that there are some people who, for one reason or another, are not capable of maintaining a relationship.

They may be able to feel love. They may be able to be attractive. However, in the long run, they always end up alone or in terribly unhealthy relationships. I call these people “broken.”

They are too broken to love because they do not, cannot, or will not behave the right way with their partners or understand what relationships should be.

In many cases, they will be great dates, but flee from commitment or serious things.

Other times, they are emotionally damaged and have serious problems they have to work out before they can be in a relationship. Still, more may just have exceptionally toxic beliefs about love, dating, or the opposite sex.

Broken people are the ones who end up hitting their spouses, being abusive, being serial cheaters, or even raping others. They are people who have big problems that hurt other people.

Broken people are not happy people, deep down inside. But they may not even realize that the reason they are always alone is themselves. Or, if they know, they’ll refuse to believe it.

Now, there’s some good news and some bad news.

The good news is that you can work on yourself and actually become better if you are too broken to love or be in a healthy relationship. There’s also good news that you can figure out if you’re too broken to date.

The bad news is that seeing these signs in yourself means you have a lot of work to do.

1. Every time you hear a love song or see a couple that’s happy, you get angry or upset.

I’ve been there, and trust me, it’s a horrible place to be.

The thing is, this just shows how much negative energy and hurt you’re carrying with you. Unfortunately, being that hurt means you need to actually get better before most people will want to be with you.

2. The standards you have are nowhere near what you have to offer.

I’m all for not settling on important things like goals, career, and character. However, I’ll be the first to say that dating culture is incredibly shallow and entitled.

If you have standards for a modelesque person with a six-figure salary, and you’re broke, have issues, and don’t look like Claudia Schiffer, you may have a toxic belief setting you back.

3. You have complained that “everyone always just wants jerks,” or lashed out at someone because they didn’t want to date you after you became friends with them.

This is called Nice Guy Syndrome, and the truth is that it’s a sign of both entitlement and a lack of social awareness. Attraction cannot be negotiated. Trying to force someone to like you will not work, and often borders on the abusive.

You might have actually gotten this belief from toxic rom-com movies, so if you’ve been feeling victimized by the “Friend Zone,” you may need to look into therapy.

4. You choose the people you date based on who others would want to see you with, rather than what you know you’d be happy with.

At the end of the day, it shows that you aren’t secure in yourself and are more worried about pleasing others outside of the relationship than you are about the quality of your relationship.

No relationship that comes from this is a good one, which is why you may need to take a step back and talk to a professional about why you’re living for others’ approval.

5. You’ve hit your partner, berated them, stonewalled them, or otherwise abused them.

Committing acts of abuse is the number one sign that you are too broken to be in a relationship.

If your exes have regularly said that you’re abusive or if they have restraining orders on you, then it’s safe to say that you may need to look inward and fix what causes you to hurt those who care about you.

6. You don’t really see your potential partners as people.

What I mean by this is that you don’t see them as individuals with their own feelings, needs, lives, and dreams.

A lot of people who are seriously emotionally broken view the opposite sex as the enemy, or props. Ask yourself if you see the opposite sex as NPCs and maybe it’ll be time to actually rethink the way you approach dating.

7. People have told you that the way you’re behaving is unacceptable, or that you need to get help.

If you hear it from one ex, okay, that may be gaslighting. If you hear it from exes, friends, family members, and internet strangers? Well, you might actually have a problem that you’re not willing to admit to.

Once again, therapy and introspection does wonders.

8. Your parents rule your life.

There’s nothing wrong with being close to your family. There’s something wrong when you let your family tear apart any relationships you have.

There’s also something absolutely wrong if you find your parents smothering any way for you to grow as a person, live your own life, or even choose who to date.

If your parents make all the rules for dating and refuse to let you manage your own relationship, that’s a problem. If you allow this to happen, well, they’ve broken you and it’s time to get help.

9. People of all genders tend to avoid you.

I’ve been there, and I can tell you it’s not fun. It’s also not fun to hear what I’m about to tell you, either.

Generally speaking, there’s a typical reason why people avoid you. So, you might need to take a look at your social skills to see what’s up.

Thankfully, you’re never too old to learn how to deal with people a little better, and this is a way easier fix than other symptoms on this list.

10. You feel a need to punish people for the wrongs of others.

Been there, done that, bought a T-shirt franchise as a retirement fund.

You probably know that this is the wrong way to go about things. You probably also know that you’re going to feel way worse in the long run, because, eventually, you’ll have to answer to the people you hurt.

Hurt people hurt people, but if you live by the sword, you’ll die by it, too. If you find this happening, please talk to a professional and avoid the dating scene. It’s not fair to you or the people who date you.

11. You know you have commitment and/or abandonment issues.

Yep, can’t have a relationship like that. Time to get some help and work out your own issues before you even consider dating another person.

12. People regularly say that you refuse to hold yourself accountable for your own problems, and, to a point, you know it’s true.

Accountability and actual character are huge when it comes to having a relationship that works. If you can’t admit fault, you’ll end up blaming your partner for all the things that happen bad to you.

That’s a sign of a personality disorder and also pretty insufferable behavior. If you want your next relationship to last, start owning up to your mistakes and working to make things better.

 

Annabelle – Epilogue

“’Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” – Alfred Lord Tennyson

It was about 6 months later until I saw her again. I was working for a local publication, and my boss asked if I’d check on their booth at an event in University City. It was on a Saturday in the spring of 2015. They would normally have a booth set up at some sponsored events, and they’d have a couple of interns man it.

Since I was new no one would recognize me there, so I could see that the magazines were displayed and the swag was out, and that the interns were doing their jobs.

I met with my friend Carla for a few drinks that evening at The Continental bar in midtown. Now that I think about it, I had spent the day with Kylie, (See: Kylie – Broken Wing) and had to ditch her to go meet up with my good friend Carla.

We had a couple of drinks and wound up chatting with a couple of gals we would meet up with later. After about an hour we hopped in an UBER and headed out to University City. We got there and when you live in Rittenhouse in center city, going out to University City is like going to a different planet.

I was expecting a straight up festival, with beer and food, but all that was out there was a bunch of families, a Ben & Jerry’s ice cream cart and a big stage set up. Oh, and our little booth off to the side.

Carla and I were clearly disappointed. We thought we’d be chugging free drinks and stuffing our heads with chow. We go over to the booth and check it out. I chat with the interns and everything seems to be in order.

The show starts and it’s some sort of musical number.

“Carla. I need to get out of here now.”

“This thing sucks. I agree. But it seems like something’s bothering you.”

“See that girl right there? The one on the left in the show.”

“Yea.”

“That’s Annabelle. My ex-girlfriend.”

“Oh the girl who was standing over there before, staring at you since the minute you got here?”

“She was?”

“I didn’t even see her. How did you…?

“Women can sense these things.”

“Let’s go.”

The next time was  a month or so later when I went to a beer garden that was my account at the publication. They invited me down to their place of business for some free drinks. I can’t pass that up.

So I get there and have a few drinks at the bar, and who the hell comes out to entertain everybody?

Yep. Same musical troupe, and there’s Annabelle. I watched the show a little bit, but it was so awful, I had to get out of there. Their stuff is so silly it’s absurd. I think the only reason the troupe exists is so the lead guy can run around in public in a fucking dress.

It was killing me to see her and I needed closure. I texted her and said I wanted to meet up and chat. We set it up and I met her at a bar in Northern Liberties. (Which I hate)

I had one before she arrived. She gets there and we go to a table and sit down. She orders a drink and said her stomach has been bothering her. She says it’s from all of the junk food she’s been eating down at the beer garden where her troupe has been performing all month. I think she’s full of shit. She always pulls health issues or headaches to get out of stuff.

I begin to recount all of the stuff she did after she broke up with me, and how much it hurt me, and how adults don’t do that to each other. I told her how much that hurt me for months, having her rip open the sutures that were trying to heal in my wounded heart.

She said she was sorry she hurt me, but really didn’t show any real emotion. I believe simply because she isn’t capable of it. When you don’t know who you are, where you’re going, or what you want in life, how can you possibly know what anyone else around you is feeling? Annabelle only sees what she wants. She hasn’t a clue that her selfish actions can really hurt a person that is close with her.

She told me that she had moved, and was going to buy some shitty house but her parents told her they didn’t want her living in that neighborhood, so they bought her a nice house in a better part of town. I suppose since they’re rich and she’s the only one of their kids that’s a financial failure, they felt they had to step in. So she lives on the first floor, she has taken in a roommate who lives on the 2nd floor and uses the basement for her photography stuff.

She has the roommate because she obviously can’t afford the mortgage. Who has roommates in their thirties?

“I don’t really have to work that hard anymore or make a lot of money. Because I don’t have the bills I used to have.”

(Yea, because your parents bought you a fucking house.)

She left after the one drink and I walked her outside and she got on her bike.

“You’ll have to see my house.” she said as she rode off.

No thanks, I thought to myself.

Well, so much for closure.

Her apology was hollow.

About a year later this woman I know who works in the arts hit me up at the publication I worked for at the time. Trixie wanted some love from our magazine to promote a little art performance she had written. I asked her if there was any budget to advertise and of course she said no. These “artists” never have two shillings to rub together.

So I talk to my editor and since we support the arts, she said she’d be happy to write a little piece about it and put it in our events calendar.

I called Trixie and told her that the piece would run for the two weeks before the event. So it would be in our magazine twice. She was very happy and thanked me for the free support/advertising.

So on opening night of the show I decided to check out what I had promoted for the last two weeks. I like Trixie and I decided to take my good friend, Carly (See: Carly – 2013 to Present – The Mad Baker)

Carly always comes through for me in the clutch. She’s one of my favorite people in Philadelphia.

We plowed some vodka before the show in case it sucked. We hop in an UBER and head down to the show. We get there. It’s some little installation in South Philly. We go in and there are only maybe between and 20 or 30 people there. We grab a pair of wines (Box wine!) and head into the show.

It starts with some woman doing some sort of weird slow dance on the floor. I don’t get it. Then they have us all head upstairs for the 2nd part of the “performance.”

I have the sudden realization that it is a two woman show starring Trixie and of all the fucking people on the Earth… Annabelle.

I’m an artist. I’ve been an artist my whole life. Started drawing as a child. Art major in school. Won art shows, and drew comics. I have sold my art work and even had it stolen. So my shit must have been good. I taught myself how to play guitar. I started out as a singer in the choir and then a lead singer in my first band. Then guitarist in my 2nd and 3rd bands. Philly, Jersey and LA. I’m a writer and a huge film guy. I love all kinds of music from Sinatra to Slayer and everything in between. I love the ballet, the orchestra, the arts in general. So I have a pretty good idea what is good art and what is absolute shit.

What I witnessed that evening may as well have fallen out of a dog’s ass and hit the pavement in a steaming pile of awfulness.

It didn’t make sense. It was poorly written. Horribly acted. Trixie has a great ass though. That’s all I can say. She looked hot. Annabelle was like a scientist in the beginning and then changed into a bird of some kind. It made no sense at all. Annabelle literally wrapped in saran wrap with feathers covering her sort of non nipples and hippie bush. It was a revolting mess.

I’m grateful that I had the lovely opportunity of plying myself with alcohol before the “show.” (more like, abortion)

After that massacre, Annabelle came right up to us and I told her it was really good. It was either that or just simply throw up on her in disgust.

I introduced her to Carly and I’m sure she thought Carly was my main squeeze. Oh, by the way, Carly looked amazing. Black Versace cocktail dress, black sheer hose and black pumps. She looked smoking hot.

Annabelle told us she was going to have to get out of the polyurethane feather nightmare that she was wearing and would chat some more. We told her great job and we’d be downstairs sipping free boxed wine.

We went downstairs and grabbed more wine and went outside to smoke.

“What do we do?”

It was starting to rain.

“We get the fuck out of here. Trixie ambushed you and got free advertising for her shitty show that no one went to see. We’re going.”

I hit the UBER app and we were back in Rittenhouse in 15 minutes.

This is an entirely different epilogue that Michelle’s (See: Michelle – 2007 to Present – A Brand New Day) This is all I have to wrap up the tattered mess that was my short nine month relationship with Annabelle.

In hindsight, should I have ever gotten involved with Annabelle? No. She was too young, and too naive about herself or even the world. It was an absolute mismatch. I once made a list when it was over of all of the thing I liked and didn’t like about Annabelle.

On the GOOD list there were only 3 things. Youth, sex, and nice to be with when we were together just doing things. (ie: dates, museums, dinners, etc.)

Just think. Two of the 3 things she almost had no control over.

The BAD list had over 15 things that I didn’t like about her on it. That my friend, is a strong indicator that it was an absolute mismatch and maybe she was just with me due to her distant daddy issues and I was a novelty to her. A new toy. The latest shiny thing that had attracted her attention like a squirrel.

I remember she told me she once slept walked and went into the bathroom and cut her bangs off. When I met her that second time at that shitty bar where she worked I thought her hair looked a little weird. She had to go to a hairdresser to try to fix that mess. I think it may have something to do with stress.

One time she slept walked and got scissors and cut up a dress that she was supposed to wear to some event for her sister. This chick has real issues or maybe even a real mental disorder. When I look at my relationship with her now, I can’t even believe I stuck around as long as I did. I should have cut her loose way earlier than when it ended. I should have seen the crazy. But you know, I did. I just put up with it because I loved her.

I didn’t love her. That just sounds nice. That’s why people put up with shit. No. People put up with shit because their minds are clouded with society’s norms. If you can take a step back, (Most men can’t. Actually most people can’t) you’d see that you’re in a relationship with someone who is absolutely not right for you. I know some idiots that are doing this right now!

Don’t get me wrong, I’m not bitter. But you can think about your mistakes with people. You can talk to your friends and family about your mistakes, but when you take the time to actually WRITE them down, you see the truth. The truth “that your own rod licks you the hardest.”

My mother used to say that, and it’s so true. Think of all the fucked up shit that has happened to you in your life. The bad stuff. You did that. You were probably the architect of that madness. You made that. You at least helped. You brought that nightmare into your life.

It’s okay. I’m not here to hurt anybody. I just want you to think. “Doing the same thing over and over and thinking you’re going to get a different result is madness.”

I’ve done that. We all have. I have to evolve up and out from this relationship. I will. I will never get mixed up aith a girl like Annabelle ever again. I’d rather die alone than go through something like that with such a mixed up emotionally bankrupt, lost soul like Annabelle.

You gotta cut your losses and go.

Everybody’s different and we all go through our own shit in our own way. You can tell your friend that he should leave his cheating wife who hasn’t fucked him in two years but he has to exit that burning building in his own way. All the while wasting years of living he should be enjoying and not going to fucking meetings and therapists.

Drop the clutch and GO!

It’s like telling someone they should get in better shape.

You try to change your own mind and body.

That shit’s hard. How are you going to change another person?

You can’t. They have to do it their own way in their own time.

Anyway. No more artists or failed actresses. I just can’t.

Annabelle was texting after the show and thanking me profusely for my support. Sadly, she seemed so scared and unsure of herself. I guess now that I was standing outside the gates of Annabelle Asylum, I had a different perspective. I could see clearly she was just another lost soul of the arts community here in our fair city

I had some great dinners and some decent sex with her so there’s that. But I would erase it all if I could have the opportunity to never have met Annabelle. But I’m wrong in my thinking. I had to meet her. I had to experience this so I could learn more about myself. I’m still on the journey to find real and genuine love in this city.

But now based on these experiences I’ve had I now have a clearer idea of what that should look like. I have learned much.

And for that I am grateful and I continue to evolve and grow as a man.

That show was the last time I ever saw Annabelle.

But last year on my birthday, she messaged me on Facebook.

“Happy Birthday, Charles, I hope your life is going well.”

I waited a day and thanked her and wished her a happy birthday too. (Hers is July and mine is August 9, both Leos)

 

That was the last I ever spoke to her. I’ve never seen or heard from her again. (Thank goodness!)

 

Will I ever find a girl who is a good match for me in this city that will stick around?

 

My heart is always open, and we’ll have to see what happens. Thanks to you all of my readers. We’ll get there together!

 

 

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