Men and Women Share the Biggest Red Flags in a New Relationship

Dating is hard. Maintaining your various dating profiles on The Apps is practically a full-time job in itself, and even once you meet somebody, hit it off, and make it past the first date, there’s no guarantee that it will be plain sailing. In a thread on Reddit, men and women have been sharing the warning signs that something isn’t right in a new romance, from minor quibbles to major red flags.

1. Jealousy

It can feel flattering, at first, that your new partner wants to keep you all to themselves — but jealousy often leads to controlling behavior. If your boyfriend or girlfriend acts annoyed every time your attention isn’t on them, if they insist on knowing where you are, who you’re spending time with, even who you’re texting, then you’re in an unhealthy relationship.

Another commenter cites: “When they start complaining about other people in your life and trying to get you to see how ‘bad’ these people are for you.” If the person you’re seeing starts making disparaging or “concerned” remarks about your friends and family, and suggests you’d be better off spending time with just them, well, that’s textbook abuser behavior. Abusive partners will often separate their partner from their support network in order to make them dependent on them. Here’s how to spot the signs that you’re being manipulated by your partner.

2. Flakiness

It’s disappointing if the person you’re seeing texts you to cancel a date, and extra disheartening if they do it more than once. As one commenter puts it: “To an extent life can and will get in the way, but there’s a certain level of enthusiasm you want to see from a potential partner and if they can’t muster it during the honeymoon stage of dating, it’s probably not going to improve later.”

Here’s the thing: we’re all busy. But if somebody really wants to see you, they’ll likely be able to carve out enough time in their busy schedule for a quick coffee date in between their other commitments. Remember, you’re worth other people’s time.

3. The way they interact with other people

Watch out for how your date talks about other people. Do they make harsh judgements about people they hardly know? Are they rude to waiters? Even if they’re being perfectly courteous to you in that moment, this behavior is an indicator of how they treat other people in general, and shows you that it’s possible they’ll act this way towards you at some point.

See also: people who only ever seem to talk about themselves on dates and don’t ask you any questions. “Take note of how many times they’ll say or start a sentence with my/I/me/personally,” advises one commenter, as a time-saver.

4. The way they talk about previous partners

Look, when you’re on a first or second date, the best thing to do is simply not bring up your past relationships. If the conversation ends up going there, be brief. And if somebody talks about their ex in detail, you should listen carefully: it’s entirely possible that they are not over that person, and you might find yourself cast in the role of rebound fling.

Equally concerning is if the person you’re seeing says that their ex is “crazy”: this often translates to “they behaved in a way I found inconvenient,” or even “I cheated and they responded emotionally.” And if they insist that all their exes are assholes? Well, you know what the common denominator there is. “If ALL their exes are jerks, it most likely means that they are the jerk,” says one commenter. “The two crazies I dated both spoke this way about ALL their former relationships.”

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Phicklephilly 2 is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Michelle – Chapter – 23 – One More After This, And Then I’m Done

I don’t really go on social media anymore.

I don’t care about your lunches, or dinners or events or your social events

It means nothing to me. I used to post everything I was doing on my social media when I was working in advertising.

But no more. I live a private life and I’m happier than I’ve ever been.

Social media’s a sad symptom of our society that gives every moron on Earth a voice.

I’m tired of you all. I see you all for who you really are and the pool is so shallow I see nothing in any of you anymore.

But for a moment I saw something that caught my eye.

My former girlfriend Michelle was pregnant with a little girl due in June. (It already happened)

She’s finally reached all of her goals of having her health, a happy marriage with her husband and now a child is on the way.

Well done.

It’s good we’re no longer in touch.

My work is done and you have no longer any use for me.

Perfect.

I’ve lifted you to the place I have hoped for you.

I think we both agree that what you have now is what we both hoped for you all along.

Well done, Michelle.

We had a great time, but you’re needed where you are now. You made it, and now you have all of the things you want.

I am honored we had the time we had together. It was the best time of my life, but now you’ve found true happiness and all of the things you wanted.

God Bless you both and I wish you all only health, happiness and the wellness of your child.

Michelle, you finally got the perfect life you always wanted. You have the perfect marriage with the man you’re supposed to be with, finally! I’m so happy for you. You live in the place you’ve always wanted to be in and have the job you always dreamed of.

Perfect.

I hope your baby girl is born happy and healthy!

God bless you all!

You did the right thing.

 

I’ll be at the bar…

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Phicklephilly 2 is coming soon on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Michelle – Chapter 22 – Gone For Good

This piece was written two years ago.

In a very short time. This moment. Right here. Right now. Will be a long time ago.”

 

Since our break up, Michelle and I had always kept in touch. We were better friends than lovers.

We stayed friends long beyond our breakup. There was a time when Michelle was my best friend.

Michelle moved on. Relocated to California to marry her high school sweetheart, Dave.

I’ve been thinking about her lately. Simply because she stopped texting me a few months ago after nearly 4 years of continued contact.

An acquaintance who is a psychologist told me the only reason she kept in touch with me was because of my value, and if her marriage failed she’d have something to come back to.

I get that. It makes sense.

I’d never do that because I would never need to. But that tells me that her footing wasn’t quite secured when she embraced her current endeavor.

But it’s been 4 years and by the time you read this, it’ll be 6.

When I met Michelle, my daughter Lorelei was 12 years old. She’s now going to be 22 and when you read this, she’ll be a 23-year-old woman.  Just 4 years short of how old Michelle was when I met her.

If you’d like, go back and read the Michelle series. It’s the first relationship series I had ever written when I began Phicklephilly so long ago.

I wish I had started writing it while we were still together. The tales of our time together would have been so much more vivid and wild.

And Michelle may have had a voice in that journey instead of only me telling the history of our relationship. The Michelle series was my best effort at the time to at least create a “Greatest Hits” album of what it was like for us during that time. A couple of lost souls who came together at the Philadelphia Inquirer (Philly.com)

Two people who fell in love.

If you read the Michelle saga, it’s a fun-filled and heartbreaking journey that I’ll never forget. I’ll always love her and she’s always welcome at our table at Christmas.

Michelle got married and kept her friendship with me a secret from her husband for many years.

Until recently.

I’ve been ghosted.

I’m fine with that because I’m old and wise enough to understand. I want nothing from Michelle. My work with her is done and has been for many years.

My work was complete before she left me.

I wasn’t even sad the weekend she left me. My friend Duncan came to visit and I didn’t even have a bed for him to sleep in because she had just taken it.

Nothing mattered because I knew we were still friends and that had always been the best part of our relationship.

“When my time with you is over at the end of the day, I wish I could start all over and do it again.”

She used to say that all of the time. I never felt the same way. I was happy to wrap myself up in the memory of the day and press it into a memory book in my mind.

I was too tired after our adventures to want to do it again. The elegant memory was burned into my mind forever.

In the last year she had been in touch. If I were her husband, and as insecure as he is I would never want my wife texting and giggling with her ex-boyfriend. The very man who clipped her from him when he was trying to get back together with her when we first met.

All nonsense.

I’m very busy in my life here in Philadelphia. A dear friend of mine said something the other day; “People like busy people.”

They do. Busy people are exciting and industrious. We are inaccessible for a reason.

We don’t retreat from you all. We’re just busy building things.

All of my hookups are gone. (Free drinks!) As they should be. These boys and girls have grown up and moved on to better jobs. They’re beverage managers, husbands and wives now, and are no longer behind the stick to give me oceans of chardonnay for $5 and a $25 tip for me and my girls. I’ve also cleaned the cache of the last bit of toxic detritus from my life for good.

I’ve reached a point in my life that is finite.

I’m running out of time.

No longer leashed to corporate might. I work where I want and put in a honest day’s labor and love it. I deliver product that makes my clients happy immediately. It’s a simple model and the people are nice. I dig my co-workers and we have a good time.

The cash is rolling in and my broker is happy.

Things are good.

My life has never been so simple and so happy. It just seems too easy. I guess when you struggle so long you can’t believe that if you finally do what you want to do and build your on life… it kind of works.

Wow.

I used to be happy when my daughter wasn’t here knowing I could have adult fun, but now I love when she’s here because that’s my only bloodline and I love her.

Lorelei has turned out so great and is always improving. I’m so proud of her and am blessed that she lives here with me and wants to be here.

But as usual…I digress.

Where is Michelle?

Has she finally vanished forever?

I think so.

This could be it.

I’m fine with it.

My work is done.

I think we both know that.

Michelle had some health problems and apparently in the last few years she’s cured them all.

I couldn’t be happier for her.

To live with a disability your entire life is horrible. But after all of this time, Michelle has finally been able to get ahead of all of that and feels better than ever.

That would have never happened had she stayed with me.

I would have helped and treated her, but the lifestyle would have destroyed her.

As fun as it was, the lifestyle was destroying her when we were together.

Our relationship as fun as it was had a finite end that was predetermined before we ever met at the Inquirer.

I knew that, but unfortunately Michelle didn’t.

That’s why I didn’t have the horrible dopamine withdrawal when she left.

It was over and we remained friends. That was the best part of our relationship.

We always had so much fun.

But I haven’t heard from her in a long time, so I think Michelle is finally gone.

Which seems odd now, because she’s always been here.

I spoke with one of my female friends in regard to this subject.

“Dude. You’re her ex and she’s still texting you?” Think of her husband. Don’t be a dick. Cut her loose!”

I don’t want to be the secret in Michelle’s life anymore. That’s not fair to Dave. It’s not cool for her ex-boyfriend to still chat with his lovely wife.

No one wants that.

It’s wrong.

So I think it’s finally over. Michelle has moved to Cali, married, they have their careers, the life and their dreams.

Off your both go.

 

I wish you well, Michelle.

 

 

P.S. I’m a little bit if a bitter bitch in that post, but it was written two years ago, and that’s long gone now. But it is what it is, and it’s been scheduled, so here it is. I try to keep it real here at Phicklephilly.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

If You Still Miss Your Ex Years After Your Breakup, Experts Suggest This

Even if you’re completely over your ex, you might still feel wistful hearing the Cardi B song they played on repeat, or buying their favorite cereal. You might feel nostalgic reminiscing on the magical Miami getaway you took together, or the warmth of the winter holidays you spent with their family. Next thing you know, déjà vu creeps up as you re-read their favorite novel at their go-to café. The fact of matter is, you may still miss your ex years after your breakup, and that’s OK. While you may feel guilty, frustrated, or unsettled about this fact, know there’s nothing wrong with wondering how your ex is doing or even musing on the fun times you shared.

Todd Baratz, a psychotherapist who specializes in sex and relationships, says that sometimes, missing your ex can go hand-in-hand with missing who you were in that relationship, or simply missing the relationship in general. Because you might not actually miss your ex. You might just be craving someone you can snuggle, split some noodles, and marathon-watch Brooklyn Nine-Nine with. And even if you do miss your ex for the person they are and how they made you feel, that’s nothing to be ashamed of. “Some people think that if you miss your ex, you’re not over them. Don’t listen,” Baratz tells Elite Daily. “It’s OK to miss someone.” Not only is it OK, but it’s extremely common, Baratz says. It’s worth considering how grief and loss play key roles in everyone’s emotional, post-breakup turmoil.

Westend61/Westend61/Getty Images

“There isn’t one way to grieve and get over lost love. It’s a huge transition that is often accompanied by longing and even regret,” Baratz says. “People’s experiences after the end of a long-term relationship are often more intense because of the cultural misinformation and judgment that is out there about relationships. Don’t listen to the B.S. — know that whatever you are feeling is legit and valid.”

He adds that for many people, getting over an ex or feeling “less bereft” can take a long time. But instead of recognizing your mournful feelings about your ex and beating yourself up over them, Baratz recommends looking at your emotions as an opportunity for introspection.

A key way to do that is by going to therapy, if possible. “If it’s been years [since your breakup], that is totally OK,” he says. “But [the feeling of missing your ex] definitely is reflective of powerful meaning, that I would encourage you to utilize. A therapist can help you work through the messages that may be hiding beneath the feeling of longing for your ex.”

Psychotherapy concept. Sad afro lady sharing her problems at counselor's office, sitting on couch and emotionally telling something
Shutterstock

One of those takeaways can be that you miss being in a relationship. Clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow previously told Elite Daily that moving on from a relationship “means getting out of a routine,” including losing someone you regularly talk to, as well as the “social status of being in a relationship.” Ask yourself: Do you miss your ex as a person (their personality, the way the treated you, their mannerisms and their habits), or do you miss the happy moments you shared and having someone to hang out with 24/7?

If you can’t see a therapist to talk out your feelings, remember that self-care after a breakup is key. That can mean journaling, taking warm baths, breathing fresh air, eating good food, and getting adequate sleep. And of course, in this technologically plugged-in day and age, a valid form of self-care is also muting or blocking your ex on social media.

Along with therapy, Baratz also encourages his clients to date and have sex with other people, if they want. Missing an ex, he says, doesn’t necessarily mean you’re not ready to start dating again after a breakup. “You’d never turn down your dream job because you were sad about quitting your prior one. So, go out and date other people! Have sex with other people,” he says. “This can be extremely helpful in opening yourself up to feeling desire and being desired. This can be powerful and is often part of the process of healing from a breakup.”

FilippoBacci/E+/Getty Images

And finally, if you feel like it’s appropriate, you can also reach out to your ex for closure — but proceed with caution. “Just be mindful about why you want to or don’t want to be in contact with an ex. If your relationship was a long-term relationship, it’s not uncommon that folks remain friends. That is OK, too!” Baratz says. “Just make sure to establish new rules alongside the new relationship that is no longer romantic.”

If you and your ex haven’t spoken in a long time (or at all), be extra thoughtful. “After you have spoken, take time to reflect upon the feelings that arise without judging them, or using them to try and make conclusions,” Baratz advises. That’s to say, don’t start scheming to get back together just because your chat didn’t blow up into an argument. The ability to just observe your emotions without passing judgement is crucial, Baratz says.

Whether you’re decoding your twinges of longing on your own, unpacking them with a therapist, or re-learning desire by getting back in the dating game, be patient with yourself. It might be awhile before you feel OK clicking through their Instagram Stories or listening to Shawn Mendes, but that’s all a part of the process. You’re exactly where you need to be.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly