5 Behaviors That Mean Someone’s Not Ready To Date, So Guard Your Heart

Getting to know someone new can be really fun and exciting. You get to learn all about them, including their likes, dislikes, goals, background, and the things you have in common. (Similar tastes in Netflix shows is key, people!) But nothing stings quite like catching feelings for someone, only to recognize the behaviors that mean someone’s not ready to date. I reached out to several dating experts to learn exactly what those behaviors look like, and how you can spot them.

“When you first meet someone, especially if you meet them on an app, you typically assume they’re ready to date, but that isn’t always the case,” Julie Spira, online dating expert, and CEO at Cyber-Dating Expert, tells us. “As a dating coach, I’ve seen singles tell me they’re ready and are even anxious to meet someone very soon. The problem is, sometimes they haven’t done the inner work, or aren’t over an ex, which makes them unavailable. If you find that someone talks a lot about past relationships, it’s a sign they might not be ready to start brand new.”

If the person you’re seeing continues to dwell on the past, that’s probably not a solid foundation on which to build a future together. Keep an eye out for the following behaviors. If you realize you might not be on the same page, it might be time to sit down and have a serious conversation about how to align your goals, and whether or not that’s something you even want.

1.They Seem Almost Too Eager To DTR.

Couple in love. Couple love.

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This sign can be tricky to spot, because usually, when someone is enthusiastic about dating you, it’s because, well, they really want to date you. And that’s great! But someone who might not be ready to date might actually seem a little bit too anxious to put a label on it. If a person you’ve been on approximately two dates with already wants to label you their partner, they can’t stop texting you, or they claim they get anxious when they’re away from you, being in a relationship might be more about the anxiety of “filling a role” than about them actually wanting to make a connection.

“Most people want to fall in love and be happy, but if you’re coming from a place of neediness or desperation to fill the title of ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ with someone new, your anxiety can get the best of you, and prevent you from actually being ready for healthy love,” she explains. If someone is trying to rush things, that could mean they aren’t ready to date.

2. They’re Flakey AF.

Dating is all about having fun, getting to know each other, and seeing where things between you might go. But in order for that to happen, you both have to put in the same amount of effort. When someone isn’t ready to date, they’ll probably slack in this arena. “When you’re spending time together, he doesn’t seem to put in much effort,” Lori Salkin, SawYouatSinai.com Matchmaker, and Dating Coach tells us. “It’s the same date again and again, or you just end up hanging out at one of your places. He only asks you out ‘to hang out’ last minute. And whenever he asks you out or you think he’s asking you on a date, he only uses the language ‘hang out’ instead of ‘go out’ when making plans with you. And he doesn’t confirm a plan until super last minute.”

Sound familiar? If so, try to remember that the person dating you should know how lucky they are! If they don’t put in the effort to show you that they care by planning dates in advance or texting when they say they will, then you might be better off finding someone who will.

3. Things Are Still Complicated Between Them And Their Ex.

Couple fighting while sitting on the pier

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Every breakup is different. Some exes break up and still maintain a healthy friendship. Others are forced to hang out in social settings because they’re part of the same friend group. Nevertheless, if someone ended things with their partner and they still make plans with them on a regular basis, they might not be ready to commit to a new partner.

Even more of a red flag? When the person you’re going on dates with still lives with their ex. “I can’t stress enough how common this issue is and how it sabotages the chances of starting a great relationship,” Spira says. “Often a couple will break up, and for financial reasons, they’ll sometimes still live under the same roof, but not [sleep] in the same bed. Since the cost of housing has skyrocketed, it’s hard to date someone new [when you’re still] sharing keys to the house, but not the heart,” she says.

4. They Aren’t Completely Over Their Ex.

If you can tell that the person you’re seeing hasn’t completely moved on from their ex, they probably aren’t ready to date just yet, Spira says. This will look like regular conversations with you about their previous relationship, comparisons between you and their ex, or anecdotes about special things they did or moments they had with them that you just really don’t need to hear about.

“Often the guilt of a breakup, especially when one person isn’t taking it well or hasn’t moved on, takes center stage,” Spira says. “This creates an unhealthy love triangle, of you, your new partner, and the ex.”

5. They’re Insecure.

Now, almost everyone has insecurities, and having insecurities doesn’t mean you can’t be in a relationship. But, if someone is constantly putting themselves down or talking about how “out of their league” you are, they probably aren’t ready to date. There’s a reason people always say you’ve got to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else, and while cliches about love don’t often ring true, this one really can.

“If they say you’re ‘too good,’ it probably means they’re feeling insecure about where they are,” life coach Nina Rubin tells us.

If the person you’re seeing exhibits any of these behaviors and they make you feel uncomfortable, Rubin recommends taking action. “Don’t stick around waiting for them to be ready,” she explains. “Keep dating other people and know that timing is real. If you’re meant to get (back) together, you will. Trust the feelings you both have. Tell them that you’re developing feelings and you want them to be reciprocated. Ask: Would it be better to take some time apart and connect in a few months to see where you both are?”

Remember: You deserve to be with someone who can be just as invested in a relationship as you, so don’t settle for anything less.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Here Are 10 Reasons Why Men Don’t Call Back After a Date

Here’s a post one of my female readers recently sent me. I thought it worth sharing. Take it away, Jazmin!

We’ve all been there: You’re going on a date and everything seems fine, but after the date, there’s no follow-up. No calls, no texts, nothing. When guys ghost us, we often wonder what we did wrong. Perhaps, we were simply not compatible. Or was there something else?

These thoughts can affect our self-esteem and influence our decision to get back out on the dating scene. We start fearing that everyone will do the same thing. However, men’s reasons for not calling us back are completely different from the reasons we assume. Here are 10 men who share why they really ghosted women.

1. “She kept talking about herself and wouldn’t even let me get a word in. The atmosphere wasn’t very nice either. I guess we just weren’t a good match. Also, I would never call [a girl] back if she [is] rude. I like nice, chill people, not uptight ones.” – Peter, 31

2. “The vibe was just off. No need to continue seeing someone you [just didn’t] click with. Also, I wouldn’t call back if she was a vegan…. my family’s big on meat.” – Wonder, 22

3. “The girl was very rude and talked a lot about how awesome her ex was. I also wouldn’t call [a girl] back if she lacked social customs and was a liar.” – Cían, 22

4. “I actually [have] never ghosted anyone. I respect the other person enough to tell them if I don’t [want to] meet [them] again. But I [would only] do that if they did something that would result in complete disgust towards them. Therefore, they wouldn’t be worthy of respect.” – Daniel, 27

5. “It started off as a one-night stand, but afterward, we truly connected. However, by the end of the date, she told me she’s a smoker, and that just [didn’t] work for me. If I were to do that again, I would only not call back if she was disrespectful and intolerant. I can’t stand that.” – James, 32

6. “She only talked about how much she hated her ex. It sounded as if she wasn’t really over him. If I ghosted again, it would be because the girl was fake. Just be yourself because otherwise, we will never know if we’re a match.” – Philip, 25

7. “I felt like we didn’t connect well. I didn’t want to be an asshole, but I was worried [that] she wouldn’t let it go. I’ve had experiences like that before. Also, bad manners are a no-go for me.” – Tom, 27

8. “I found out in the middle of the date that she used to go out with one of my mates. I thought it was best to leave the situation be. Also, if she [were] rude or extremely rigid. I like people who like to have fun.” – Diego, 32

9. “I always call people back, but if I chose not to, it would be because they’re rude. Also [I’m looking for] a simple connection – if it’s not there, then the date is over. I also would never call back if the person was too opinionated. I like people who can have a conversation about [difficult topics] instead of being incredibly stubborn and not even listening to the other person’s point of view.” – Jon, 22

10. “I didn’t call her back because she spent the whole evening criticizing things about me. She was rude in general, so I figured that there was no point in calling her again. I’ve [ghosted] only once.” – Martin, 24

The reasons that guys don’t follow-up after a date vary from person to person. Sometimes, it’s simply that you weren’t compatible. I think we can all agree that we should always let the other person know, even if you are afraid of confrontation. In these situations, we can feel as if it’s our fault and that something is wrong with us. However, it’s important to know that whether or not men text us back, we are still worthy of love, and we should keep putting ourselves out there.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

9 Harsh Truths We Tend to Ignore at the Beginning of a Relationship, and Then Bitterly Regret It

They say that “love is blind” and they are probably right. We tend to ignore many things about our loved ones, even though these things scream that you need to get out of the relationship. As a consequence, we’re left trying to put a broken heart back together or we just get up one day realizing that we’ve wasted years in a pointless relationship.

This wouldn’t happen if we could tell from the very beginning where it might lead. And sometimes we can: here at Bright Side we came up with most common phrases your date could say to you that are actually signals that you should leave and never come back.

1. “I’m not over my previous relationship yet.”

It’s an honest truth, and you have to accept it and say goodbye — it’ll be better for the both of you. You probably don’t want to be an instrument for your date to forget their ex and constantly compete with them. And you will probably not be happy if they get back together.

Beyond that, it is not recommended for people to start a new relationship right after their previous one or until it’s all over, so it’s better to leave and give your partner some time to figure out their feelings.

2. They complain about all their exes.

Of course, people do get into toxic relationships sometimes, but if it happens all the time, maybe the problem actually has something to do with your date. You’ll probably end up being another “crazy ex” on their list and they will probably constantly stress you out. Do you need that in your life?

3. “I don’t think marriage makes sense.”

When someone says this, they definitely mean it and are implying that they are not going to get married, even to you. And since you’re grownups, this opinion is too hard to change, if even possible at all. If you think the same about marriage, than that’s okay. But it’s crucial to have similar opinions on this topic, so if you actually want to get married, then don’t waste your time.

4. “When I’m angry, I scream and break things. I can’t help it.”

This is a red flag phrase that should never be ignored. It means that your partner is emotionally unstable, and that plates aren’t the limit. You will get your dose of emotional and physical abuse too, even if you don’t think this will happen. Do yourself a favor and disappear the moment you hear (or notice) anything like that.

5. They admit that they could never make a relationship last.

You shouldn’t ignore this phrase, thinking it won’t happen with you. Don’t overestimate the chance you think you have to change your partner. If they say it, they mean it — and in addition, they can even say that they warned you. So if you’re looking for something that can become serious, you’re with the wrong person.

6. They don’t see anything wrong with being late.

When someone is late, they usually apologize for it, no matter how late they are. If your partner doesn’t see anything wrong with it, this is a bad sign. It means that they lack respect for your time, and there is a great probability that they will be selfish and have a tendency to devalue everything about other people. Take note, and find someone who will value you and your time.

7. They admit that relationships aren’t their main focus all the time.

Of course, for some people a career might be their biggest priority, and there’s nothing wrong with that. However, if your date says something like this on the spot without any context, it implies that your date wants to keep things easy. It’s a phrase to let you know that your partner isn’t going to put much effort into your relationship, so just take it as it is and decide if that’s what you want and need.

8. “A man/woman should…”

If your partner talks about their expectations, that means that they expect you to follow them in order to keep up the relationship. If you don’t share these standards, but decide to get into this relationship anyways, it will lead to a lot of stress and tension, so you’re probably better off ending it before it even starts.

9. “You don’t need someone like me.”

No, this not a challenge to prove that your date is wrong. People who are not confident always play the victim, and if you get into this game your whole relationship will turn into you constantly convincing your partner they are great and that they are worth you having to deal with infinite jealousy. In case it’s more like a confident, “Don’t fall in love with me,” you’re most likely dealing with a player. And we are not sure which one of these types is worse.

Sometimes it can also be a polite way to say that it’s your partner who doesn’t need anyone like you. Whatever the case may be, it’s just better to leave in order to not torture either of you.

Which phrases would you add to the list? Do you have your own personal red flag phrases? Let us know in the comments.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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Finding Love After 40: Save Your Dating Life With These 6 Essential Tips

Surely, getting back to the dating scene after a long marriage or a lengthy period of being single could be a struggle at first for everyone. Even if you are considered a ‘master in flirting’, there could be a few bumps on the road for you.

First of all, the dating scene or ‘game’, if you wish, will most probably not be the same as the ‘good old days’.

However, because ‘you don’t have it in you’ anymore, but due to the fact that your life and expectations have, indeed, changed in your 40’s.

1. Have realistic expectations (for yourself)

If you are picturing the following scene in your head: you are going to hit the bars until late, and are going to be ‘extra sociable’, going at events non-stop…Well, that might not work out just the way you are fantasizing. While there may be some women over 40 out there capable of doing that- kudos to you, in all honesty. However, for most women, it would typically be a hard task, as they would have a difficult time managing their tight schedule- be it work or kids (if they have any), or both.

Therefore, a more convenient way to give your dating life a chance would be…well, with the help of online dating. In this way, you could be in the comfort of your own home and start up a conversation with a stranger who might just be right for you. However, you should have something important in mind…

2. Be authentic when you date online

Namely, to be truthful. It is always quite a temptation to modify your appearance on social media platforms, such as dating apps. That goes for anybody- no age limits here. However, that is not a good idea especially when you are on the lookout for a potentially steady relationship. The key message here is the following: in order to attract the right kind of person for you, you should present yourself authentically.

Dishonesty should be strayed away from, as it would not bring you anything of substance in the long run. So, say ‘no’ to the temptation of adding a picture of when you were younger, for example, and just be yourself. You’re worth it and, not to mention, you look just as great!

3. Don’t rely solely on apps 

Nonetheless, online dating shouldn’t be a restriction by no means. Whenever you feel like it or have the time you most definitely should consider going out to meet new people. Swiping left and right can become overwhelming and tedious at some point, so head out to your favorite bar, coffee shop, or whatever else your thing is and enjoy yourself.

It is important not to neglect the opportunities real-life meet-ups by chance could bring. While dating apps bring a bit of comfort, as it is so easily accessible, a lot of success always comes with the ‘traditional’ way of meeting new people. At the end of the day, it is really up to you and your preferences.

4. Be patient

You have either left a marriage that was not working out or you have been single for a while, whichever the case may be- you just have to allow yourself to be patient. There seems to be this tendency of having specific expectations and wanting to meet the ‘perfect’ one right this very second. Of course, it is understandable why a certain ‘rush’ might prevail, especially if one has been looking for a partner for a sufficient amount of time.

However, key characteristic to always preserve is patience. It is very important to remain patient and positive, as frustration would only delay your chances to find true love.

5. Don’t get ‘too attached’ to the ‘idea’ of what you want

If you are in the habit of ‘knowing’ whether your date is right for you in the first couple of minutes, even seconds…Well, you might be setting yourself up for failure. Dating in your 40’s means you most probably know what you are looking for but for some reason, a lot of women put themselves under the pressure to find it incredibly quickly.

However, making up your mind in such a fast, negative manner in actuality prolongs the experience of finding a suitable partner. So, keep in mind: there is really a fine line between being judgemental and ‘going with your gut’.

6. Resist the temptation of dating someone who reminds you of your ex

It’s kind of to be expected that you could be drawn to an individual with similar qualities as your ex-lover. This is due to the fact that there is certain comfort in ‘familiarity’. However, the logical question you’d need to ask ourselves is: if it didn’t work out with this type of person before, why would it work out now?

Therefore, you should rationally make the effort to avoid dating a person who is unhealthy for you. Working on healing and finding your inner peace is crucial for this. So, you could do this at your own pace or seek out a professional to guide you through the process. The key point here is: avoid repeating the previous negative cycles of an unhealthy partnership and allow yourself to explore beyond that in your 40’s.

In conclusion, looking for true love in your 40’s is different from when you were 20, for example, but it brings a plethora of new, exciting opportunities your way.

So, as long as you are authentic and giving yourself a fair chance, there is absolutely nothing you can’t achieve- finding a fulfilling, loving relationship is one of those things.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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Here’s How To Digitally Disconnect From Your Ex After A Breakup & Recharge

In the early 2000s, dealing with a breakup meant packing up all of the photos and mementos from your relationship, throwing them in a box, and hiding it all away in your closet. In 2020, however, recovering from heartbreak often looks more like establishing some boundaries from your ex’s social media. Whether you turn your phone off or put your old boo on mute, knowing how to digitally disconnect from your ex after a breakup can help you start to heal ASAP.

“After a breakup, I always recommend my clients start with removing all of the emotional triggers around them,” Pricilla Martinez, CEO of Regroop Life Coaching, tells us. “Nothing is more detrimental to your healing than thinking your ex moved on from you when you’re still in the middle of dealing with all of your pain.”

According to Martinez, looking at your ex’s social media can give you the impression that your ex wasn’t affected by your breakup as much as you were. While everyone handles heartbreak differently, no one wants to feel like they’re competing for the title of “Who Cares The Least.”

If you need to recharge after heartbreak, here are 12 tips to digitally disconnect from your ex.

Unhappy woman reading bad news on cell phone and crying while sitting in the bedroom.

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1. Limit Your Contact With Them

For Trina Leckie, host of Breakup BOOST podcast, the best way to disconnect after a breakup is to limit all the digital contact you have with your ex, from texting and calling to looking at their social media. “You have to accept that the relationship has come to an end and make your healing the priority,” Leckie tells us. “When you keep someone top of mind, you don’t give yourself a chance to distance yourself to get your emotions in check and get the clarity you need.”

2. Mute Their Account

If you find you keep peeking on your ex’s page or you can’t resist clicking on notifications from them, Martinez suggests putting your ex on mute. “I would say you should mute their account until you are fully ready to unfollow them,” Martinez says. “If you aren’t ready to completely cut them off, mute their account, so it doesn’t pop up on your feed.” Putting their texts on “Do Not Disturb” may also help you, so you don’t get a notification if they do reach out, and can choose to respond on your own time when and if you feel ready to.

3. Consider Unfollowing Them

If you’re still following your ex after a breakup, it can be easy to catch yourself lurking on their page a little bit or overthinking everything they’re up to. As Martinez shares, showing your ex the digital door, (i.e., unfriending or unfollowing them on social media) can help you get some final closure. “If you’re not interested in having a connection with this person, then why follow them?” Martinez says. “If you really want to close that chapter, you don’t need an update on their next partner, their job, or what they had for dinner.”

4. Don’t Be Afraid To Block Them

If your relationship ended badly and you never want to talk to your ex again, or you’re really struggling to get over the heartache, Leckie says it’s OK to fully block your ex from social media and from texting or calling. “The goal is out of sight, out mind,” Leckie says. “That way, you aren’t tempted to check on them, and you won’t constantly be wondering if you are going to hear from them.”

5. Archive Your Pics (Or Fully Delete Them)

Honestly, bless Instagram’s archiving feature. If you’re tired of seeing old couples pics of you and your ex but aren’t quite ready to delete everything, archiving your photos is the IG equivalent of throwing a box under the bed. You don’t have to see it, but it’s not gone forever. Of course, if you’re really feeling done, it’s OK to delete photos, too.

6. Kick Them Off Your Netflix/Amazon Prime/Hulu Account

If you and your boo shared a bunch of online accounts, consider this the time to change all your passwords. You don’t need to see what movies they’re watching or what annoying things they’re buying on Amazon Prime.

Profils of a sad woman checking smart phone online content in the street

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7. Stop Sharing Your Location

Seeing that your ex is getting sushi at that place that you told them about is just going to make you upset. Disconnect from Find My Friends, Snapchat’s Snap Map, or anything else that tells you exactly where they are.

8. Unfollow Or Mute Their Friends

Know what you don’t need to see? Your ex’s best friend’s IG Story of your ex out at the “club.” If you follow a bunch of your ex’s pals, consider unfollowing or muting them for a while. Or forever.

9. Unfriend Them On Venmo

You may think this is extra, but what’s really extra is going on Venmo to pay your roomie for your electricity bill and seeing your ex Venmoing that person you always used to fight about (because they would flirt in front of you) for “drinks” at your favorite bar.

10. Get Them Off All Your Astrology Apps

I don’t care what Co-Star says, they are not your perfect match, and you don’t need to see what intentions they are setting for today.

11. Unfollow Their Spotify

You may have forgotten that you even followed them on Spotify, but you will always remember spitting out your coffee at work when a playlist titled “Screw My Ex” came up in your Spotify friend activity.

12. Don’t Forget Finstas

Your Finsta, their Finsta, their friends’ Finstas… when you start muting or unfollowing, don’t forget about everyone’s second account. You won’t regret it.

Recovering from a breakup can be hard for everyone. Still, getting some digital distance from your ex can help you heal faster. And sometimes, emotionally recharging means letting your phone die for a bit.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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