Why Staying Friends With An Ex Is A Bad Idea Says Science

Remaining friends with your ex might seem like a harmless idea. But according to experts, your best bet for a good future involves leaving them out of it.

Ending a relationship can prove to be extremely difficult, and if that includes staying friends with your ex, is it healthy?

Here’s what the experts say:

New York City-based psychotherapist and author of The Breakup Bible, Rachel Sussmanadvises being careful when it comes to staying friends with an ex, but there are couples who can make it work. Ultimately, she notes, “it’s an individual determination.”

There are, however, some guidelines exes should follow after separating, Sussman says.

If your relationship ended due to lost passion, or you felt like you’re becoming non-romantic roommates, you’ve got a good shot a healthy friendship, says Sussman. But if you broke up because of constant arguing, or one of you felt the other was too immature or too much of a flirt, or betrayal played a role in your split, Sussman adds that “the same problem that broke you up is going to leak into the friendship.”  In that case, you may have to turn around and walk away.

But even if your relationship was generally in good condition and simply didn’t work out, you might want to think twice before becoming buddies. A 2000 study, for example, concluded that friendships between exes are more likely to have negative than positive qualities than cross-sex platonic friendships.

According to relationship expert Lindsay Kriger, the transition from relationship to friendship can carry all kinds of unwanted dangers that can lead to more pain. “Let’s be friends” might sound like a good idea, but it can be much harder to pull off in reality.

Kriger says “What it doesn’t mean is ‘Let’s have a completely platonic relationship in which we ignore the feelings we had for one another, even the ones we still have.’”

Well, staying friends in real life might not be a great idea, but there’s probably nothing wrong with staying friends on social media. Right?

Actually, no.

Kriger believes the best thing to do after ending a relationship is to cut all connections in order to give yourself the full chance to find happiness elsewhere. That could mean deleting their number, and even blocking them on Facebook.

The most common reason why exes want to stay friends (here’s where things can get messy)

In a recent study by The Oakland University and The University of South Carolina, psychologists asked more than 860 people about their reasons for staying friends with their ex-partners.

While most people wanted to stay in a friendly relationship with their exes for sentimental reasons or trust, those who scored high for the psychological “dark triad” of personal traits – were driven by practicality and access to sex in the future.

For men, practicality and sexual access were rated as slightly more important than for women, on average. This was expected based on classical drivers for opposite-sex friendships.

In the journal for Personality and Individual Differences, Justin K Mogilski (University of South Carolina) and Lisa L M Welling (Oakland University) explain: “Men rated sexual access higher on importance than women did, which is consistent with other research showing that men are more likely than women to form [cross sex friendships] due to sexual attraction.”

In an interview for Broadly, narcissism expert Dr. Tony Ferretti said he agreed with the conclusions of the study, and added that narcissists and other dark personalities often valued relationships in terms of self-interest.

Such individuals, he explained, “may stay connected to [to exes in order to] have access to valuable resources. They also have inside information about their exes vulnerabilities and weaknesses that they can exploit and manipulate which gives them a sense of power and control.”

 

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Does Your Ex Still Think About You? How To Find Out — And Reconnect After A Breakup

Do they still care about you?

After a breakup, it seems like you and your ex have already gone your separate ways.

Or, maybe your ex never even knew you to begin with.

So, you can’t help but wonder if, on the other side of this icy wall of silence, does your ex ever even think about you at all?

Cutting straight to the chase, yes, your ex most likely still thinks about you.

If you’ve shared a part of your life with someone, they aren’t going to completely forget that you ever existed.

They will think back to your time together and may even remember all the positive experiences that the two of you have had.

Yes, there may be pain and hurt associated with all of that, but they certainly do still think of you.

But, do they still care or even love you?

I know that you’re probably not just wondering if your ex happens to have thoughts about you — you want to know if they still feel something for you.

Do they miss you the way that you miss them?

The truth is that, yes, if they are being honest, they probably do still feel some emotions toward you.

They may even regret that the breakup happened that ended your relationship.

And they may feel a lot of hurt and heartbreak, still.

But they probably also know, if they are being honest with themselves, that there were positive moments that the two of you shared together — and they probably miss those times.

In fact, they are hiding the pain behind an emotional armor.

Granted, they may not let their mind veer in those directions. They may be so addicted to the story that they tell themselves about the hurt that they experienced that they just don’t let themselves acknowledge that pain.

But, you can rest assured that your ex does have feelings for you.

They may just be hidden behind pain, hurt, frustration, anger, or any other emotions that may still be lingering from the breakup.

How do you get through their emotional armor, then?

If you want to know how to get your ex back and connect again so you can explore what might be possible for the two of you, you are going to need to meet them where they are at, emotionally.

Yes, the two of you have your history.

And yes, there may be hurt and pain that is still lingering there.

But, just because there was love once doesn’t mean they want to get back together. You also have to see things from their point of view and be willing to relate to them with understanding and compassion.

Once they are able to see that you are willing to meet them where they are at emotionally, they’ll be much more likely to release the pain and hurt that they are holding on to.

And once they are able to do this, they’ll be receptive to talking to you again.

It starts by connecting on an emotional level.

You need to get past the complex feelings that both of you are probably experiencing.

And, of course, they may not be in a place in their life where they are able or willing to explore what might be possible between the two of you.

But you’ll never know for certain unless you’re willing to set aside pride and be emotionally honest and vulnerable.

Here’s an important piece of dating advice you need to heed if you want your ex back.

When you break up with someone, it doesn’t always mean you’re done for good.

Instead, take a chance and open yourself up to resolving the pain from the past.

You just never know what you might experience as a result.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Men Who Attract “Crazy” Women: It’s All Your Fault

I’m truly fed up with men complaining that they always wind up with “crazy women” or saying that all of their exes are “crazy.” You want to know why I’m fed up with it? Because when men say this, they are taking no accountability for their own actions. They are refusing to see that they are the common denominator in all of their relationships with these alleged “crazy” women and are unwilling to admit that if they don’t like what they attract, it’s probably because they don’t like themselves. Water seeks its own level aka crazy attracts crazy. The use of the word “Crazy” is also very derogatory, and that’s frustrating in and of itself. But, if you are a man who continues to attract women who wind up being rather unstable, do not complain that that “just happens” to you. You’re causing it. Here’s how.

You first comment on looks

I’ve noticed one thing in common with every man I know who claims he “attracts crazy women”: the stories of how they first pick up these women involve these guys laying on the compliments about the women’s appearances—heavily. Those first interactions are all about telling the woman she’s really hot. Unfortunately, only women who do have some personal emotional work to do would ever go for this. Emotionally healthy women would not like that all of the focus and attention is on something superficial.

And go after the very put-together women

And, to add to that last point, these men who claim to attract unstable women only go after extremely hot women. I mean that level of hot that is only achieved through $500 haircuts, hours of makeup, every waist cincher and bust lifter available, extensions, and freshly manicured nails. Every day. I’m sorry to say it again but there is often a personality type (hello: high maintenance) that comes with this look. But these silly men who “attract crazies” are just drawn to that look, and aren’t perceptive enough to pick up on the beauty of women with a more subtle appearance aka ones who are stable enough to not overdo it on the hair/makeup/designer clothes thing.

One male acquaintance starts every relationship by showering the woman with monetary items. Whether that’s highly expensive jewelry, meals, or trips, the money is obvious and everywhere. I still state again that, gentlemen, if you want to attract a woman who is down to earth, you won’t find her on the other end of a Ferrari wrapped in a ribbon.

This is so common: a man seduces a woman out of a relationship she’s already in, into a relationship with him, and then things turn out to be toxic and turbulent. Oh wow, no way? A woman who was willing to cheat and relationship jump isn’t stable? You’re kidding me. Who would’ve thought?

You like women who mimic your personality

The man who winds up in these turbulent relationships also tends to like this trait in a woman: she mimics his personality. She’s a chameleon. Whatever hobbies or restaurants or people he loves, she loves, too. This is where a man’s ego can really get him in trouble. I have news for you, men: if a woman seems to love everything you love, it’s an act. And if there is some sort of act going on now, there will be some sort of drama going on later. Stable women will have their own personalities and interests. They won’t pretend to love everything you love.

You demand all of their time at first

Funny enough, the men I know who later claim their exes were “crazy,” are usually very needy in relationships. I see them calling and texting a new interest constantly, wanting to see her regularly, and always wanting to know where she is and who she’s with. Another newsflash, men: if a woman tolerates all of that jealousy and paranoia it’s because she’s also going to exhibit it. Men, if you want a woman who is laid back and not controlling, you yourselves must be laid back and not controlling.

Then you’re shocked when they demand yours

These same men are also completely shocked when they go from calling a woman every hour to ghosting her for weeks and she goes a little nuts. What did they expect? They gave her the impression this was going somewhere and then they disappeared. That would make anyone upset.

You move too fast

I know one guy who falls into this same pit over and over again. He always wants that next thrill (it’s just a form of running from himself and some serious healing that needs to happen). So he’ll move fast with a woman, wanting to live with her or get engaged within just a few months. Again, I will state that, as a man, if you try to move fast, you should know any woman who goes along with it will not be stable. Stable women take things slowly.

Then you abruptly put on the breaks

Then, once these men decide that their new, shiny toy is no longer that new or shiny, they put on the breaks abruptly. One month it’s, “Move in with me” and the next month it’s, “Why are you always in my space?” And, shocker, this can result in some “crazy” behavior on the female’s part. Who wouldn’t be upset by that total 180?

You want something all-consuming

Every relationship that ends up in flames begins as a “whirlwind romance.” Have you noticed that? If two people just take the time to get to know one another, see each other at a reasonable frequency in the beginning and still maintain their individuality, nobody winds up slashing tires or burning down houses. But the men I know who claim their exes are “crazy” always dive into things head first, are attached at the hip with these women, and go totally MIA on the rest of their friends while in relationships.

But stable women aren’t about that

Emotionally healthy women want to maintain their individuality. They want to keep up with their own social lives. They want time to themselves. So, fellas, any woman you meet who is willing to dive into this relationship that consumes the both of you probably won’t be, um, emotionally stable.

You’re looking for a massive ego boost

So, here’s the thing: I’ve noticed that the same men who call their exes crazy also like women who are highly impressed with their money, status, fame, and other superficial elements. These men are deeply insecure and must rely on superficial things to get attention. So they wind up with women who are equally insecure and drawn in by that BS.

Again, stable women won’t give you that

Again, a healthy woman will be repulsed by a man who tries to use his status to gain affection. Sorry, guys, but if you’re going to find quality relationships, you can’t take the easy way of flashing your money around.

You either like extreme partiers

I’ve also noticed that the men I know whose relationships go up in flames are often drawn to women who are huge partiers. These men are usually insecure, and to compensate for that they like the competitive nature that comes with dating a woman who is out at clubs each night. They like to pick fights. They like a reason to be possessive. And women who spend most of their nights partying until the sunrise probably aren’t on the most stable ground right now, either.

Or extreme introverts

The other personality I see these men attracted to is the introvert. Again, men who “just happen” to fall into turbulent relationships (again, it’s totally their own fault) are often controlling. So many of them like women who are introverted and very shy because they know they can trust them to just stay at home and wait for them. But if a woman is so introverted that she’s essentially a hermit, she will likely develop codependency issues on the one relationship in her life. I mean really men what do you expect?! You actively seek out these unstable relationships and then play the victim card when things get unstable.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

7 Signs Someone Is Too Immature For A Relationship, According To Experts

Have you ever been dating someone, and how they act or the way they communicate makes you pretty darn confused or upset? Well, it’s not an uncommon experience to encounter by any means. And while baffling or frustrating interactions can often be part of figuring out a relationship and a new person, certain behaviors can also be a sign of emotional immaturity that indicates you might want to back away from the situation to find a person more on your level. (Or, on the other hand, you might recognize some of these behaviors in yourself! But that’s OK because growing is what life is all about.)

“We often expect a person to be mature once they reach a certain age, yet emotional maturity is not guaranteed with any chronological age,” clinical psychologist Dr. Carla Marie Manly, tells us. “Emotional immaturity can be present in any person — regardless of age — if they have not matured psychologically.”

And yes, it can really be hard to discern people’s behavior and what it all means, despite maturity levels. We often make allowances for people if we are really attracted to them or like them a lot. But ultimately it all comes down to what we want and need out of a relationship, and being honest with ourselves about that. Below, take a look at what some of the pros say about behavior and communication styles that could be a sign that a new partner isn’t ready for a relationship.

1. They Demand Too Much Attention From Their Partners Or Potential Partners

fizkes / Shutterstock

“Matured individuals are aware that everybody needs personal space and time for themselves to grow,” dating and relationship expert Celia Schweyer, from DatingScout.com, tells Bustle.

People who do not understand this concept are usually those who make the relationship complicated and tend to get disappointed when their partners prefer to do other things instead of spending time with them.

“This kind of thinking is associated with egocentric behaviors where kids think that the world revolves only around themselves,” Schweyer says. So notice if someone really struggles to allow you to do your own thing.

2. They Badmouth Their Exes

It’s never a good sign when people constantly talk about their exes, and it’s really not a great sign if all they do is badmouth them. It can often indicate a serious lack of perspective.

“It’s already bad that your date or partner keeps talking about their ex,” Schweyer says. “What’s worse is when they can’t stop talking negatively about them whenever you’re together.”

On the one hand, this could mean that they are simply not over their exes. But if they communicate only negative things about their exes, your date might be the problem in the first place.

3. They Blame Other People A Lot

Two unhappy lesbians not talking to each other after having quarrel during lunch at coffee shop: sad redhead woman feeling lonely while her girlfriend sitting next to her.

Shutterstock

This negative talk about other people might continue into other areas of life as well. If the focus is always on what other people do wrong and how they screw things up, this might be a sign that this person’s ability to see their part in things is a little lackluster.

“Emotionally immature people look for someone to blame when things go south,” Schweyer says. “You can spot this red flag in the way they handle their smallest issues like unpaid bills, missed schedules, or bad restaurant services.”

While it’s one thing to have a moment of anger, Schweyer says, it’s an indication of a deeper behavioral issue if they can’t seem to let go of it after a while.

4. They Don’t Listen Well

Someone being too full of themselves and refusing to listen to what others have to say is a clear sign of emotional immaturity, Schweyer says. You want someone who is able to communicate with you and process what you are saying in a real, respectful way.

“People who are like this often have a mindset that they are always right, so they don’t need your opinion,” Schweyer says. “They wouldn’t be the type of people who would care about your thoughts, and they might even get offended when you try to suggest a different way of doing things.”

Consider friends or family members who make you feel heard and appreciated. Does this person make you feel that way as well? If not, they may not be what you’re looking for.

5. They Overanalyze The Littlest Things

Sad couple having conflict and relationship problems

Shutterstock

An emotionally immature person may overanalyze and you’ll find yourself fighting over the silliest things, Schweyer says. “Your tone, words, and the appalling lack of an emoji — these can be a few of the petty details you’ll fight on when they nitpick,” she adds.

Since a mature and healthy relationship is built on trust, dating someone who questions your every move can be draining, Schweyer says. It is a surefire sign that your partner isn’t as trusting and ready as they claim to be.

6. Playing Emotional Games And Unpredictable Behavior

Passive-aggressive behaviors and game-playing tactics like not showing up as planned or ghosting-type behaviors are all indicative of immaturity, Manly says. So are other more volatile or unpredictable behaviors, like outbursts of serious jealousy.

Other kinds of emotional instability may include disrespecting boundaries or being possessive or overly suspicious. These are all indicative of sometimes even greater struggles than immaturity, and should not be taken lightly.

You deserve to have a loving relationship with someone based on trust and boundaries you both communicate with one another.

7. They Engage In Many Self-Centered Activities

WAYHOME studio/Shutterstock

“Immature people can be tempting to date because often they can be lighthearted, funny, and exciting,” marriage and family therapist Lauren O’Connell, LMFT, with a private practice in Santa Monica, tells us.

There are a lot of behaviors that might indicate someone is not ready to show up fully for another person.

“If they drink or smoke a lot, never offer to pay on dates, encourage you to come over to their house but don’t pay much attention to you, if you never see them without their friends if they never put their phone down,” O’Connell says, these are all warning signs of immaturity.

When you recognize these things, it might be disappointing. But it’s also the knowledge that will help you spot a person who is mature and available for a partnership or reciprocal relationship!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

5 Behaviors That Mean Someone’s Not Ready To Date, So Guard Your Heart

Getting to know someone new can be really fun and exciting. You get to learn all about them, including their likes, dislikes, goals, background, and the things you have in common. (Similar tastes in Netflix shows is key, people!) But nothing stings quite like catching feelings for someone, only to recognize the behaviors that mean someone’s not ready to date. I reached out to several dating experts to learn exactly what those behaviors look like, and how you can spot them.

“When you first meet someone, especially if you meet them on an app, you typically assume they’re ready to date, but that isn’t always the case,” Julie Spira, online dating expert, and CEO at Cyber-Dating Expert, tells us. “As a dating coach, I’ve seen singles tell me they’re ready and are even anxious to meet someone very soon. The problem is, sometimes they haven’t done the inner work, or aren’t over an ex, which makes them unavailable. If you find that someone talks a lot about past relationships, it’s a sign they might not be ready to start brand new.”

If the person you’re seeing continues to dwell on the past, that’s probably not a solid foundation on which to build a future together. Keep an eye out for the following behaviors. If you realize you might not be on the same page, it might be time to sit down and have a serious conversation about how to align your goals, and whether or not that’s something you even want.

1.They Seem Almost Too Eager To DTR.

Couple in love. Couple love.

Shutterstock

This sign can be tricky to spot, because usually, when someone is enthusiastic about dating you, it’s because, well, they really want to date you. And that’s great! But someone who might not be ready to date might actually seem a little bit too anxious to put a label on it. If a person you’ve been on approximately two dates with already wants to label you their partner, they can’t stop texting you, or they claim they get anxious when they’re away from you, being in a relationship might be more about the anxiety of “filling a role” than about them actually wanting to make a connection.

“Most people want to fall in love and be happy, but if you’re coming from a place of neediness or desperation to fill the title of ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ with someone new, your anxiety can get the best of you, and prevent you from actually being ready for healthy love,” she explains. If someone is trying to rush things, that could mean they aren’t ready to date.

2. They’re Flakey AF.

Dating is all about having fun, getting to know each other, and seeing where things between you might go. But in order for that to happen, you both have to put in the same amount of effort. When someone isn’t ready to date, they’ll probably slack in this arena. “When you’re spending time together, he doesn’t seem to put in much effort,” Lori Salkin, SawYouatSinai.com Matchmaker, and Dating Coach tells us. “It’s the same date again and again, or you just end up hanging out at one of your places. He only asks you out ‘to hang out’ last minute. And whenever he asks you out or you think he’s asking you on a date, he only uses the language ‘hang out’ instead of ‘go out’ when making plans with you. And he doesn’t confirm a plan until super last minute.”

Sound familiar? If so, try to remember that the person dating you should know how lucky they are! If they don’t put in the effort to show you that they care by planning dates in advance or texting when they say they will, then you might be better off finding someone who will.

3. Things Are Still Complicated Between Them And Their Ex.

Couple fighting while sitting on the pier

Shutterstock

Every breakup is different. Some exes break up and still maintain a healthy friendship. Others are forced to hang out in social settings because they’re part of the same friend group. Nevertheless, if someone ended things with their partner and they still make plans with them on a regular basis, they might not be ready to commit to a new partner.

Even more of a red flag? When the person you’re going on dates with still lives with their ex. “I can’t stress enough how common this issue is and how it sabotages the chances of starting a great relationship,” Spira says. “Often a couple will break up, and for financial reasons, they’ll sometimes still live under the same roof, but not [sleep] in the same bed. Since the cost of housing has skyrocketed, it’s hard to date someone new [when you’re still] sharing keys to the house, but not the heart,” she says.

4. They Aren’t Completely Over Their Ex.

If you can tell that the person you’re seeing hasn’t completely moved on from their ex, they probably aren’t ready to date just yet, Spira says. This will look like regular conversations with you about their previous relationship, comparisons between you and their ex, or anecdotes about special things they did or moments they had with them that you just really don’t need to hear about.

“Often the guilt of a breakup, especially when one person isn’t taking it well or hasn’t moved on, takes center stage,” Spira says. “This creates an unhealthy love triangle, of you, your new partner, and the ex.”

5. They’re Insecure.

Now, almost everyone has insecurities, and having insecurities doesn’t mean you can’t be in a relationship. But, if someone is constantly putting themselves down or talking about how “out of their league” you are, they probably aren’t ready to date. There’s a reason people always say you’ve got to learn to love yourself before you can love someone else, and while cliches about love don’t often ring true, this one really can.

“If they say you’re ‘too good,’ it probably means they’re feeling insecure about where they are,” life coach Nina Rubin tells us.

If the person you’re seeing exhibits any of these behaviors and they make you feel uncomfortable, Rubin recommends taking action. “Don’t stick around waiting for them to be ready,” she explains. “Keep dating other people and know that timing is real. If you’re meant to get (back) together, you will. Trust the feelings you both have. Tell them that you’re developing feelings and you want them to be reciprocated. Ask: Would it be better to take some time apart and connect in a few months to see where you both are?”

Remember: You deserve to be with someone who can be just as invested in a relationship as you, so don’t settle for anything less.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1