How to Have a Casual Relationship Without Getting Hurt or Betrayed

If you’re wondering how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt, it’s not easy. Be sure of your decision, and approach with caution.

I don’t want you getting hurt needlessly in a casual relationship gone bad. And the hurt occurs whatever side of the coin you’re on! Follow these 12 not-so-easy ways for how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt.

Sometimes a person is placed in your path who you want to be with badly. This feeling might push you to do something you would advise someone else not to do. For example, embarking on a casual relationship that has no chance of going anywhere, simply for the pay off of getting to spend time with that person.

You might tell yourself that they’ll change their mind. They’ll want to be with you once they get to know you properly.

This is a common situation. In fact, most people have been in it at some point. I know I have. The thing is, casual relationships take a certain amount of strength and emotional control, otherwise you risk of getting hurt.

The best of intentions can still land you with hurt

Okay, I’ll admit, sometimes someone tells you they want a casual relationship because they have no clue what they really want. After spending a certain amount of time in this casual relationship, they develop feelings and want a real relationship.

I’m not going to lie and say that it doesn’t happen. It does. The problem is, holding out for this possibility is a risk.

Most people who say they want a casual relationship say this because that’s exactly what they want—no commitment. Entering into this type of relationship with the hope that it will become more risks wasting precious time that you could be spending with someone who wants the same things as you.

Lecture over. If you’re sure that you want to go into this casual relationship, do so with your eyes open. Maybe you don’t know what you want right now. You think a casual relationship might be just what you need to give your life a spot of excitement while you figure things out. If that’s the case, and you’re sure, go for it.

How to have a casual relationship without getting hurt… hopefully

Before I delve into this, I want to state here and now that following these steps doesn’t mean you’re going to avoid any type of emotional distress. Casual relationships are hard if you develop feelings. That’s my disclaimer, now let’s explore a little more.

#1 Understand what you’re getting into from the start. Know your starting point in order to be able to handle this type of arrangement. That’s what it is, an arrangement that means you spend time with someone, with no promise of an emotional attachment. Give yourself a good talking to and be firm in your knowledge that this is not the start of a big love affair.

#2 Know yourself—can you handle this without developing feelings? If you’re someone who easily gets attached after sex or develops feelings quickly, this type of arrangement will end in tears. Rule number one for now to have a casual relationship without getting hurt is know yourself. If you’re sure you can handle it and feelings won’t come into the equation, go for it. If you’re not sure, approach with severe caution.

#3 Have a serious conversationNobody wants to have a serious sit down conversation with someone about where something might lead. But, if you want to be sure of what you’re actually going to be getting into, know the facts. Ask this person what they want. Do they want a relationship in the future? Do they want to be single but have perks, e.g. friend with benefits?

Make sure they’re being open and honest with you. Then do the same with them. Knowing the facts will be the basis of your journey into how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt in the end.

#4 Ask yourself if you could handle seeing them with someone else? If you were out walking and you bumped into them with another person, how would you feel? Would it knock the air out of your lungs?

If you do see this, they’re not doing anything wrong because they haven’t made an exclusive commitment to you. Casual means exactly that no strings.

#5 Don’t allow them to become your worldDon’t cancel plans with your friends or family to see this person. If you start doing that, you make them an important part of your life. Feelings are developing or aren’t far behind. Casual means that you see them when you have nothing else to do, it doesn’t mean you make firm plans and cancel your life for them. The chances are they’re not going to be doing this for you either.

#6 Don’t mix your circle of friendsNever introduce this person to your regular circle of friends, and make sure that you keep it all separate. If you start mixing your groups, things will get muddy and difficult when things eventually end. And they will at some point. By having a separate outlet, i.e. your social group, you avoid them becoming too important in your life.

#7 Always practice safe sexOf course, it goes without saying that any sex you have with this person should be ultra-safe. STIs and pregnancy aren’t things that go well in casual relationships. These things tend to be life changing and that’s not the point of an arrangement such as this.

Put your health and your future first. Keep everything safe and protected.

#8 Don’t think about milestonesIf you start to think “oh, it’s three months since we met,” you’re entering rocky ground. Avoid typical relationship milestones and don’t allow them to enter your mind. Save these types of milestones for relationships that have a future, unions that mean something to you in the future.

It might sound cold, and it could be that you have a friendships with this person you’re being all casual with, but if you want to save your heart, be a little aloof and distant.

#9 Do not give it a labelThis isn’t a relationship, so don’t call it one. I’m referring to it as a ‘casual relationship’ but I don’t mean it in the traditional sense. You’re not together, you’re not one half of a union. You’re not in a situation which has a ‘let’s see what happens.’ No, you’ve chosen to be in an arrangement that is super-casual. That’s all it is.

#10 Keep everything as light as possibleIt’s not the best idea to talk to your casual buddy about emotional things or anything heavy going on in your life. If you do, you enter emotional territory which signals danger for your heart. Keep everything light and fun, and if you can do that, this arrangement might turn out to be a welcome distraction from the heavier things in life.

#11 Limit your meetings to a minimum. What your minimum is depends on you. It’s a good idea to limit how much you see this person, to avoid the feelings creep. A couple of times a week is certainly enough, but less if you can manage it.

Generally speaking, the more time you spend with someone, the more likely you develop an attachment on an emotional level. That’s not how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt!

#12 Know your limits and walk away if you start to feel. Be honest with yourself and know when it’s time to walk away. Most casual relationships are great for a time. Then they run out of steam naturally, or someone walks away because they develop feelings. It’s rare that a casual relationship becomes a great love affair. Not impossible, but a huge risk to hold onto that idea.

If you start to feel the bubble of emotion, do yourself a favor and quit while ahead.

Understanding how to have a casual relationship without getting hurt really comes down to knowing yourself and your limits. Be honest, open, and don’t hope for more than promised.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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6 Questions To Ask On A First Date, According To Experts

First dates are nerve-wracking — that’s something everyone can agree on, right? And in the age of internet dating, even though you can find out a lot of information about someone online, for better or worse, you never really get a feel for a person until you meet them. And of course, that is just the beginning! If you’re unsure of the best way to get to know a potential lover from the get-go, there are some good questions to ask on the first date that might help to figure out if you’re compatible.

“A simple question can lead to a conversation that takes its own course, with little effort from either of you,” Dr. Carissa Coulston, a clinical psychologist, and the main author of relationship articles for The Eternity Rose, tells Bustle. For the sake of nurturing an initial conversation, keep things to the basics at first. “Helpful and neutral questions revolve around work or career interests, hobbies, sport, music and family — these are typically non-contentious.”

And what you might want to avoid? Coulston says generally to steer to left of asking about ex-relationships, or probing into any problems that your date might have briefly referred to, like issues they had with their parents when they were a child.

“Of course, these more personal topics can be discussed between the two of you down the track if your relationship should progress,” Coulston says.

Ultimately, you can talk about whatever you want, and you might have much easier and deeper conversations on some first dates than on others. Below, a few experts shed light on some good initial questions that can give you a peak into a person.

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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George – The Rugged Outdoorsman – Part 1

I was having a tough time in middle school. The year was 1977. I didn’t like school or any other part of my life back then. I was a smart kid, but school just wasn’t my thing. To me it was simply happy hunting grounds for bullies and teachers alike.

However, I did have artistic ability and my parents signed me up for Saturday morning art classes at a high school across town. I would take the 26 bus north on Rising Sun avenue to Cottman street, and then get a transfer for the Y bus east up to Northeast High school.

Times were so bad for me that I have few memories from junior high. I think I’ve blocked most of them out to cope and grow as a person. I was skinny, had bad skin, greasy hair, glasses, braces, no athletic ability, and was getting bad grades. For some reason my mom made me wear polyester slacks and black leather buckle shoes to school. All of the other kids wore more casual clothes. I stood out like a sore, swollen, pimple faced, tinsel toothed, thumb.  I was basically a target for anyone who wanted to use me as an object of their scorn.

Just horrible.

It’s funny, when you’re that age and ravaged by puberty, many of your friends suffer from the same ailments. I always had a few loyal friends.

I brought nothing to the table back then, and take responsibility for anything I did, or didn’t do. But I can see now why I was such an enormous disappointment to my parents.

So every weekend, I would go to Saturday Morning Art Classes each week at Northeast High. There was a nice group of kids in attendance, and I met a few of them.

It was a welcome repose from my tortured daily life. It was a pretty laid back experience full of kids like me who enjoyed making art. The structure was loose and creative. I think the teacher’s name was Mr. Gilper. He was a talented, chill dude and always had cool projects for us to create.

They would play the radio during class and I thought that was cool. Back in the Seventies the two big rock stations in Philadelphia were WMMR and WYSP. Now only WMMR remains, but it’s become an incredible bore like most terrestrial radio stations in America. They played most of the popular rock songs of the day, and WMMR did the same, but played a bit more deep tracks. So, if you were a music fan, WMMR was the cooler station. I think DJ Pierre Robert worked there back then and he’s still there to this day.

I met this boy named George and we shared a passion for comics and rock music. He was a nice, gentle kid with kind eyes. I remembered that he liked how I made my own comics and created my own team of superheroes. Deneb-6, Lazar, Midnightess, Cestus, Prince Apollo, and The Prowler come to mind. I can still envision those characters.

We got along well enough, but once the classes were finished, I didn’t see him anymore. He was my art class friend.

I remember one Saturday I came out of class and they were holding a flea market in the parking lot. I browsed the usual junk people were selling at their tables. I saw this one guy had a box of comic books for sale. I had some cash on me, so I bought a few choice books the guy had. There were more that I wanted because I was an avid reader and collector of good comics. I basically spent all the money I had in my wallet on comics with this guy. (Like, $10.)

I got home and showed my dad what I had gotten and that there were more good books there. So my dad being awesome, put me in the car and we went back up there and we got the rest of the books I wanted. The guy had many first issues and I knew they were more valuable than what he was selling them for. My dad was a hard core toy train collector and so he understood my urgency. So that ended up being a great day!

I was 14 in 1977 and in 9th grade, which thankfully was my last year at Fel’s Junior High School. The nightmare was ending and next year I’d be attending Frankford High School. I used to describe 9th grade as the worst year of my life back then. But, that summer turned out to be the year I went from caterpillar to butterfly and everything changed for the better.

Wildwood Daze – Summer of 1977 – El Morro Motel

There are more great tales from that summer, but it was a watershed moment in my life. You can find the rest of them in the Search bar under Wildwood Daze. (See: El Morro Motel, Terri,  & Anna Marie)

Anyway, you get the idea. So I get to Frankford High in the Fall of 1977, and the world is a better place for me. It felt like all of the animals who tormented me in junior high all went to Northeast High. Frankford was filled with a better group of kids.

I don’t remember if I ran into George in 10th grade or 11th grade at Frankford. But for this story let’s say 11th grade because it’s the most memorable.

I was 16 now and everything in my life was better. I was getting better grades, my braces were off, I wore cool shirts and jeans to school. My mom let me grow my hair. I was lead singer in a rock band, and my level of cool had gone way up over the Summer.

I was sitting in English class one day and noticed this guy sitting just one seat ahead of me of to my right.

It was George from Saturday Morning Art Classes! By that time, it seemed like a world away. I think he recognized me first and we connected. We shared that class, lunch and gym.

We would draw funny comics about our lives. Not our real lives but a world where we were these cool dudes who played rock and got all the chicks. I mean, in real life I sang in a band and was teaching myself how to play guitar.

You can read the complete saga if you enter the word Renegade in the Search bar.

Renegade – 1978 to 1979 – Chapter 5 – The Sears Silvertone

George and I would have so much fun laughing at all of our little exploits in our comics. (I still have them all on sheets of notepaper!) We also started having lunch together. I had come such a long way from the little weasel I once was in junior high. I had become friends with the most powerful student in the school. This guy Chris, who my sister Janice had known since 1st grade. He sat across from me in art class. He was not only president of the student body, but quarterback on the champion football team. But he wasn’t a jock. He had all these powers but liked music and had a bunch of nerd friends, and he and I connected immediately. He and my sister were a grade ahead of me, but he took a liking to me and my sense of humor.

So my friend George and I got to sit at the end of the cool kid’s lunch table everyday at 5th period lunch. It was like just a couple of regular guys who got to sit at a table full of celebrities. It all seems funny now, but it was just football stars and hot cheerleaders. But in high school that’s a coveted spot to be in. High School is like a little fictional world you get to act out for a few years before entering real life. It mirrors adult life in some ways, but none of it has any real sustainability for the rest of your real life. I always felt like high school was a show I was on and it lasted three seasons before my character was killed off and I had to move on and find a new gig.

So George and I happily munched our peanut and butter and jelly sandwiches at the end of this table. Not card carrying members, just a couple of B-rate extras.

But, we started to hang out a little bit outside of school. I don’t even know where George lived. I never went to his house. I know he liked to go fishing.

He would come to my house and I think he brought his guitar with him. I was pretty clueless, in regard to the instrument but was eager to learn in the Spring of 1978. I was just the singer in the band, but the guitarist would let me play three notes on the break during the song, Draw the Line, by Aerosmith. (My favorite band on Earth.)

But George could actually play, and he started to show me things on the guitar. I knew where the notes were on the neck of the guitar, but needed some rock n’ roll fundamentals. George had these huge hands and he could reach from the first fret to the sixth, which is basically impossible for most people. It gave him the ability to create complex riff runs that would be unique to his playing.

I was struggling to pull the concepts of the guitar together even though I had a head for music and an excellent ear. I had some books with sheet music and chords in them, and George showed me how to read and follow them. Technically not read music, but enough to understand it.

Sidebar here: Someone once asked one half of the two greatest composers of the 20th century about how he wrote such incredible songs. He stated that he never learned how to read or write music in the traditional way. “I never understood all of those little lines and dots.” he said. “My music simply comes forth from my heart and my head.”

That man was Paul McCartney.

One of the hardest things for a new guitarist to do is to create the muscle memory to hold a chord in place. All of your fingers have to be on the right strings and you have to press them down with enough pressure so that the chord rings and doesn’t sound muted or buzzes against the frets. It’s a difficult feat and takes a while to learn and master. You have to train your mind to get your fingers to just automatically land on the right strings in the right formation to make the right sound. Once you get the chord right and the smile appears on your face, you feel like you’re getting it, and it’s a wonderful feeling. But then you go to move your hand to hit another chord and the whole thing falls apart.

It’s like being a baby and taking your first steps. One step… two steps… oops! Then you fall down. You get up and keep taking steps over and over, and the next thing you know you’re running down the street. Same thing works for learning the guitar. (Or, probably anything in life!)

So, George realized I was a neophyte, and simplified the process for me. He taught me a super basic way to get it done with less fingers and still achieve the same sound.

That style that he taught me, is the basis for twelve bar blues. The boogie woogie chord, he used to call it. With my index finger and ring finger he showed me how to play the chord in a simplified manner. He also taught me how the blues worked and the chord progressions. How certain notes went together. What he was teaching me as we sat in my bedroom, was the foundation of all rock music.

George taught me how to play the blues.

Once I understood what sixth route and fifth route was, I was on my way. That was the evolutionary leap I needed to go forward. I don’t know if I ever told him, but in that moment, George was literally the monolith and I was the ape in 2001: A Space Odyssey. I swear to god… it was on that level. That evolutionary leap.

What George taught me on those afternoons, catapulted my music creativity. The first thing I did, once I understood the basics of rock was to start writing songs. They were simple, and sounded like Ramones songs, but it had begun. My rock and roll life as a musician began thanks to George Schauer.

I know in high school he always thought I was cool, because I knew some hot chicks and had art and humor going. But the boy that gave me his friendship and time were more valuable than anything else in my life at that time.

Thanks to George, when I put that guitar on and started actually playing songs by Led Zeppelin, Aerosmith, Deep Purple, and the Rolling Stones, I had become part of a secret club. Little did I know that my friend who I knew from Saturday morning art classes and English class, had become my mentor.

Once I learned the fundamentals, the rest fell into place and because of my love of the instrument and the music. From what George taught me took me from novice, to rhythm guitarist in the band Union Jacks six months later!

That fifth and six route basic style were the building blocks to some of the heavier riff driven stuff I would go on to write and perform in my future bands. Yes, the building blocks to my heavy metal sound.

I’m sure George didn’t know what he had given me. But he actually gave me his post prized possession.

His time.

That’s the greatest gift you can give someone, because once you give it, you can never get it back.

Thank you, George. You changed my life.

 

After 11th grade my family moved and I had to take my senior year at Wildwood High, which is documented in this blog. (See: Wildwood Daze)

I never saw or heard from George again.

Until now…

 

More tomorrow!

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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Wildwood Daze – Kites – Part 2

So I needed another kite. I knew my mom wouldn’t spring for it. So I used what little allowance I had to get another one.

It had to be this:

The Baby Bat! This was a cool kite. Probably the coolest kite Gayla ever made. Black, with flaming eyes, and the lower edges looked like real bat wings. It too was only a dollar.

I loved my new, cool black kite. The eyes were stickers you had to put on yourself, so the spacing had to be perfect upon application. You didn’t want your bat looking cross eyed or weird. It needed to be cool and menacing.

In hindsight, I think the better name for this kite would have been the Manta Ray, because it better resembles a ray than a bat. Just saying…

Our next idea was to buy more twine. Let’s connect two or more spools of twine and make the tether even longer than 200 feet. Let’s go for 400 feet of string. It became less about the simple whimsy of flying a kite as a restful activity, and more about let’s see what these kites can withstand.

But, this is what boys do. Let’s just see how far we can take an idea before something breaks, or we’re injured. As kids we used to engage in activities that endangered our health and welfare on a daily basis.

It was called the 70’s! Nobody wore seat belts in the car, and nobody wore helmets when they rode their bikes. It was like the wild west back then. Look at jaw breakers candies. Perfect choking hazard for any child. But when you’re young all you ever think of is “I”.  I’ll be fine. I’m Indestructible. I’m Immune. I’m Immortal. You never think anything you do will have any consequences, until you start seeing kids wearing casts on their arms and legs for broken bones.

Good times!

So, I tied the string together, and wound the second spool of 200 feet of string to the first one. Now I had 400 feet of tether. My kite will go higher than ever! My kite is going to go so high, a plane or even a helicopter could crash into it. Now that would be a spectacular day of fun for a couple of boys. Nothing like causing a good old-fashioned air disaster to get the blood up.

We head down to the beach with my new Baby Bat kite and a giant spool of string. The wind is up and blowing north. We follow the path through the bushes to the open beach.

Once there, we let it rip. The string is going out like mad and the kite is rising high into the twilight sky. The sea air is invigorating as I watch as my great ebony vessel rises higher and higher. I decide to place both of my index fingers into the ends of the spool and just let that sucker spin. The cylinder of twine is a blur in my hands as the line goes out like mad. It’s as if I have a fish on the line. (That, or a giant bat!)

The bat is going so high, it’s getting smaller and smaller. Soon it’ll be just an inkblot in the sky. I’ll have flown the highest kite ever!

Now, you have to keep tension on the line so that the kite stays up. If that pressure is off the kite could fall. But the wind is carrying my kite higher than I’ve ever seen a kite go. The spool spins on my fingers.

The line… still going out.

Once it reaches the end, it’ll stop, and the kite will soar even higher. 400 feet is just seconds away! My beautiful brand new kite soars like a bird.

But that didn’t happen.

What I failed to realize was that the string on these spools isn’t tied to the spool. It’s simply wrapped around it by a machine when it’s manufactured.

The final feet of the twine go out, and I’m left standing with what would be equal to an empty role of toilet paper in my hand.

The kite is so high it continues to fly. But it’s so far away and we’re on a beach, so I can’t even see the string as it slips away at high speed. I watch as my brand new  Baby Bat flies away on it’s first, and final mission. My friend is laughing hysterically as we watch the kite fly over the channel as it heads out to sea.

It probably crashed somewhere across the channel in Stone Harbor, five miles away.

So, that was the end of that kite.

I owned a few more Baby Bats that summer. I think it was my favorite kite design. Most were destroyed in sky battles or tangled in electrical lines and lost. I remember my mom saying, “You went through a kite a week that summer!”

Ahh, what a grand time we had as children each summer. Living by the sea, in the sunshine, and getting our exercise. Those experiences build strong, healthy minds and bodies. Better than any video game you could imagine.

One night, there was a land breeze from the west and my friend and I were flying the latest kite. It was a red Sky Raider.

Exciting fun for all ages! Boys, girls, and apparently old guys who smoked pipes! (for only one dollar!)

We were sitting up in the lifeguard chair. Which is the coveted spot to sit on the beach at night. You’re probably 7 feet in the air and it definitely feels like a position of power for a couple of kids.

Ogunquit Beach Lifeguard Chair at Sunrise Ogunquit Maine Photograph by Toby McGuire

I got tired of holding  the string of my kite, so I tied it to the chair. The red kite sailed high over the Atlantic Ocean. Normally you don’t stay long on the beach during the day when there’s a land breeze. It brings all of the green  flies from the bay to the beach. They aren’t like the annoying pests you get in your house in the summertime. These suckers are bigger and ‘bite like horses’, as my dad would say. But by nightfall they’re usually gone.

So my buddy and I are just chilling in the lifeguard chair and chatting. We’re watching the red kite as it flies and dips over the sea. But at some point, the wind died down, and the kite vanished below the waves. At that point we didn’t feel like hauling in all of that wet sandy string, so we just broke the string and let it drift away. I remember before it sank it looked like a big red shark’s dorsal fin before it slipped away.

Another dollar and a half well spent. Taken by Neptune.

I wanted to change up my game. I needed a better kite.

I had heard from one of the other kids that there was a bigger and better kite that was made by Gayla. It looked like the Sky Raider, but it was bigger and had a metal controller you held to maneuver your kite.

Kind of looked like this, but much bigger. It had a six foot wing span. It was called…

The Invader!

Rare 1962 vintage Gayla kite The Invader Kites with box | #1821116875

I had to have it. It cost a whopping six dollars!

I scraped together what little allowance money and change I had to get that kite. It was bigger than any kite on the beach, and it had the cool metal controller included. I scampered over to the store and bought it.

I quickly assembled my great bird and was ready for action. The controller is simply a wire frame shaped like an hourglass that you hold horizontally like an airplane controller. (Don’t get too excited. Think, cheap-ass, coat hanger bent into a metal bow tie.)

Flying Fish Kiting Team: Radcliffe Conversion

You actually needed two spools of twine to operate the kite properly. They were both hooked to the controller and the other ends were attached at two different points on the kite’s brindle. This is so you could steer and maneuver your amazing kite.

I was about to become the Lord of the Skies in Wildwood.

I made sure the string was securely tied to each spool before I hand wound them both back onto each cylinder. I affixed the ends of each cord to the appropriate spots on the kite.

I was ready.

We took my vinyl Phoenix to the beach for it’s maiden voyage to the heavens. The wind was blowing from the south which was perfect. This way, if anything happened it wouldn’t crash in the sea. It would land on the beach north of where we were standing.

I slowly let out the string, and my great winged toy was carried upward. It looked enormous. Some people who were still on the beach at dusk, looked on with pride and amazement at the kid with the amazing kite.

I was so proud as I watched it sail higher and higher. Such an enormous pull on the strings. Huge kite. More wind resistance coupled with great aerial strength and elegance. My beautiful winged beast flying high. It’s glorious six foot wing span, like some great albatross, controlled only by my willing hands. I held the controller and watched as my kite flew higher and higher. We were coming to the end of the string.

This was it.

That moment where the line would become taut and the kite would fly even higher on the tension of the lines. I would proudly steer it along the beach as startled onlookers watched the glory of my passing.

The Sky King.

The Invader!

The anticipation was exhilarating as the end of the spools approached. Within seconds, the strings went taut.

The force was so great it yanked the controller from my tiny hands.

I watched in mute protest as the controller flew from my grasp and bounced down the beach.

My friend and I gave chase. Running as fast as we could in an attempt to catch the bouncing metal frame as it bounded down the beach. It had enough weight to keep the kite aloft, but was light enough to escape from us.

We eventually ran out of energy as the kite flew further and further away.

Another kite had made its escape. It would probably crash like the last on the other side of the channel in Stone Harbor.

My kite…

Snatched from my hands like my fleeting childhood.

 

I’ll always look back on my times at the shore with fond memories. Some of my greatest moments happened on that sandy stage.

 

Here’s a great song that serves as a soundtrack to this story.

 

Here’s one gentleman’s obsession:

http://gaylakitememories.blogspot.com/2012/07/introduction.html

 

Why couldn’t this have happened to us?

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new books, Phicklephilly 2 and Sun Stories: Tales from a Tanning Salon are now for sale on Amazon!

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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What You Shouldn’t Share With Your Partner, According To Experts

You share your heart with your partner, and in some cases your bed or even your dog, but beyond what you’re happy to share, there seems to be a lot of gray area. Toothbrushes? Secrets? Sweatshirts? Friends? It’s all subjective, but rules give couples shared meaning and understanding. Though sharing your life with your partner to some extent is a given, maintaining autonomy is important too. Bustle talked to experts about what you should and shouldn’t share with your partner in the literal sense, to create some loose framework for couples to establish boundaries, together. Because sometimes these conversations are not fun or intuitive, and it’s easy to quickly establish bad habits that are hard to break.

According to clinical psychologist Alexandra R. Lash, what’s off limits for one couple might be fair game for another, and that’s OK. The most important part about drawing boundary lines is that they feel fair to both people in the relationship. Here, with the help of Dr. Lash, Dr. Niket Sonpal, an internist and gastroenterologist, Ed Shaheen, Jr., DDS, MS, and Neuropsycholoigs Dr. Sanam Hafeez, we’ve put together a list of things that individuals often feel protective over and established well-balanced perspectives on each of them. Just because you and your partner are close enough to share your personal items or feelings with each other, doesn’t necessarily mean you should.

1. Passwords & Devices

According to Lash, when it comes to sharing your phone, computer, and device passwords, it really depends on what works for the individual couple. “It’s up to the culture of your relationship,” Lash tells us, going on to explain that whatever feels comfortable is what’s right. “Relationships are about being in touch with each other’s world, but having respect for individuality and privacy, too,” Lash explains. And while she doesn’t see a utility in sharing all personal conversations with your partner, she expresses that it’s important to explore each other’s feelings if there’s a disagreement on the matter or differing values and comfort levels.

2. Bathroom Space & Habits

Some couples prefer not to share their bathroom time.

Shutterstock

Lash explains that the level of comfort when it comes to sharing a bathroom or bathroom habits is contingent on the person. “Some people may grow up with many siblings or limited bathroom space and don’t have as strict a standard of privacy when it comes to bathroom habits, while others may grow up with the ability to use the bathroom privately and rely on that privacy to feel comfortable. Or one member of the couple may grow up in a family culture that values openness and they did not appreciate it and want more privacy in their adult lives or vice versa.” Lash explains. Meaning, there’s no rule of thumb when it comes to deciding what is and is not appropriate in the bathroom.

Some couples are happy to brush their teeth together, carry a conversation on while one person is on the toilet or in the shower, while other couples prefer to keep their bathroom activity private. “It’s important to discuss your comfort level with your partner — it’s not about saying you should be able to go to the bathroom in front of your partner, it’s about saying you should be able to discuss what is and isn’t comfortable for you both.”

3. Razors

It might seem harmless, and we’ve all done it or thought about it in a pinch when there’s only one razor in the shower, but Sonpal tells Bustle that “borrowing your partner’s razor for a quick touch up could spread not only bacteria, but it could also spread more serious blood-borne pathogens like hepatitis B and C.”

4. Nail Clippers

Don't share nail clippers with your partner.

Shutterstock

Because most people don’t regularly clean their nail clippers, an accidental nick could lead to something really serious. Sonpal tells Bustle that you can “spread hepatitis C, fungal and bacterial infections” all through nail clippers.

5. Friends & Social Lives

While Lash says that having “mutual connections can be ideal,” she also recognizes that it’s important for couples to have alone time with their friends, too. That said, nothing is technically necessary when it comes to splitting up or sharing your social lives, so long as both people are comfortable with the breakdown, it’s OK. The only situation that concerns Lash is extremes. For example, “excluding your partner regularly is not OK, but having separate social lives to some degree is.” According to Lash, the goal should be to have have social practices that feel fair to each partner.

6. Antiperspirant

Don't share deodorant with your partner.

Shutterstock

You probably don’t think of your armpit as a germ zone, but according to Sonpal, it is. “Trading germs from one armpit to another is as easy as borrowing someone’s antiperspirant. Deodorants are less risky when it comes to sharing because they usually have an alcohol base. The alcohol makes your skin acidic and less attractive to bacteria. Antiperspirants are another ballgame since they typically have aluminum which blocks sweat pores, not bacteria.” So if you use antiperspirant, don’t share it, no matter what. According to Sonpal, it’s one of the most germ-ridden things you’ll find in your medicine cabinet.

7. Earbuds

Though borrowing headsets might seem harmless, Sonpal tells Bustle that you should reconsider it. “Although earwax is natural ear protection, earphones trap the once-innocent bacteria in the wax. Any wax building up on earphones traps and grows this bacteria, which could lead to infections.” Aka, you should regularly clean your own headsets and definitely keep them to yourself.

8. Solo Sexual Health Practices

Your porn habits are your own, no need to share with your partner.

Oleg Elkov/Shutterstock

“I don’t feel it’s necessary that a partner alerts the other every time they watch porn or masturbate the same way you don’t call the other every time you eat a hamburger or listen to a song on Spotify,” Hafeez tells Bustle.

While it’s good to have an open dialog about personal sexuality (in the same way a healthy relationship allows for an open dialog about everything), Hafeez explains that neither person should feel like they have to disclose this information. So while deleting your web history after watching porn or pleasuring yourself in private is totally within your rights, it’s not completely necessary either.

9. Toothbrushes

Though in theory it might seem like swapping spit with someone is no different than using their toothbrush, according to Dr. Shaheen, the latter is much, much worse. “If you use something for oral health, don’t share it with anyone,” Shaheen tells us, no matter how much you love them. If you want to clean your mouth, shoving someone else’s germs in it has the opposite effect.

When you spend time with your partner in the same living space, it’s important to have clear boundaries to not only ensure your comfort and happiness, but also your health. If you live with your partner but have not had a serious discussion about what you should and should not share, it’s never too late. And if you’re spending a lot of time with your partner and things are getting serious, take the time to flesh out these boundaries so that you don’t create bad habits together.

 

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Michelle – Chapter 21 – Ghosted

“I’m just a soul whose intentions are good. Oh Lord, please don’t let me be misunderstood.”

This post was written in 2019. Due to scheduling restraints of more relevant content, it’s been delayed and is being published now.

If you’ve been reading this blog you’ll have read the Michelle story. Although not the inspiration for this blog like Maria, it’s one of the cornerstones of this publication. Michelle is one of the most important people I’ve ever met. The great thing is, you can simply type in her name in the search bar and read the whole story of our relationship. (Or buy my book, Phicklephilly, on Amazon!)

Sadly, she and I had always wanted to write about our legacy in this great city of Philadelphia, but never did. We collected bullet points and events on paper ,but like most people in love, we were having too much fun to record anything we did.

I did my best here to piece together out greatest hits on phicklephilly. I know Michelle had some fear about what I would publish on this blog because of her present situation.

Read Michelle before you read this piece because it’ll help you understand the full scope of what this relationship was.

Michelle and I had a very special relationship. It was more unique than any I had ever known, and I’m sure I will not experience it again. I’m lucky to have had my time with her. I always said; “You’re the nicest, pretty girl I ever met.” Because beautiful women don’t need to be nice. They just need to show up.

But Michelle always was.

I was blessed to have her as my girl. I was a 40 something loser from a failed marriage and working in New York in the world of finance. I got laid off with a team of other talented guys and needed a job. I ran out of options in NYC and turned to Philly. (The city I’m from) By some miracle, I landed a job in advertising at the news of record for Philadelphia.

Michelle worked in billing. I couldn’t imagine why such a beautiful women ended up in such a shitty department. But she eventually wanted to get into sales, and since my manager was secretly in love with her, he acquired her. Much to my delight. I was just happy to be near her and work with her. Incredibly pretty, but so nice. A rare combination.

We became friends.

Read Michelle. Then you’ll know what we were to each other.

Michelle kept in touch with me long after our breakup. One of the most extraordinary aspects of or relationship, is that we were able to stay best friends after our break up.

It was a classic phicklephilly breakup. “You aren’t going to marry me and give me kids, so goodbye.”

I get it.

I’m not doing that ever again. No bitterness, just can’t risk that again.

Michelle and I have been friends, longer than we’ve been lovers. (Which has so much deeper value)  I’ve never experienced that with anyone I’ve ever known. That seems odd to me, but I simply accepted that miracle for what it was.

That went on for years.

After all of that…

She sold all of her stuff, quit her job, and flew to California and went on to marry her high school sweetheart. She knew we didn’t work, and was done with dating all of the idiots out in the world so she retreated to the known. The guy from high school who she originally loved. They were both out of options so they decided to settle.

“He became the man I hoped he’d be” she said.

She settled for the American Dream.

The American Dream. I have lived that and I have nothing but the taste of ashes in my mouth for that life.

Michelle has been sold a bill of goods, that told her she needs to find a safe man by her 30’s, and get married and have kids. That is a sour lie told to every woman in this country, from the time they hit puberty. Maybe even before that. She’s a kid born out-of-wedlock. Adopted by assholes who have no idea who they were. They don’t even know who they are or why they want a kid, but they can afford you, so you get rescued. But from what? Death, then into the frying pan of these two idiots?

It happened.

But you’re smart and oh, so beautiful. Beauty goes so far in this world.

I only ever saw your kindness and sweetness and till this day I am astounded by you.

When everything in your life no longer makes sense you go for the American Dream.

(Never do this fair readers)

Marriage and settling on a guy that is reasonably handsome and can hold a job and is in the range to give you kids. You hated taking care of your cat, why in the fuck would you ever want to have kids? Kids are a fortune (I have the receipts. My beloved Lorelei cost me over $170,000)

He takes her camping, hiking, and hang gliding… Kill me now. Come on….She likes hanging out, and sipping chardonnay, and smoking cigs with interesting people.

Or does she? Maybe she’s ready to adapt to the safe option.

I know all of the above gets boring, and I don’t even do that anymore, but has she simply settled for mediocrity? But maybe by doing all of those mundane things they’ve saved her from a rich, exciting life, and she’s healthier for it. It’s all about her health. Right? I get that.

I haven’t heard from her since my birthday in 2018. That’s okay. Because on the day she left, I was fine with her leaving. I understood, and I knew where she would go. She’d retreat to her high school boyfriend.

And I get why she’s ghosted her best friend. Because she needs to be the wife to her husband, and the mom to her kids or whatever it is she’s doing. It just sucks that we all know who her best friend is, and that person is not allowed to be friends with her anymore. Simply due to the insecurities in her current. If you’re female, you can be friends with Michelle. If you’re male. No dice.

Hell, I ghost people. They need to be cut off. I just can’t have them in my life anymore.

I get it.

But I think this is it.

She was always texting me and face timing me for the last 5 years since she left. I think she finally found the assumed moral compass, to stop talking to the love of her life, so she could dedicate her life of what happiness is supposed to look like with her husband.

I get it. He always loved to control her. Control is weakness and insecurity. Relax Dave…you’ve won.  I just hope she can find some parcel of happiness in the choices she’s made.

Figure it out and you can still come to Janice’s house at Christmas!

(Kidding!)

Your hubby wouldn’t allow it!

Things are going well for Lorelei and me here in Rittenhouse. She’s doing great in her career and has been in a relationship with Ethan for over 5 years now. I’m managing a restaurant in Rittenhouse now and I love it.

I don’t go out anymore. Only occasionally with a close friend. The old crew has moved on, like they always do. I hope you’re doing well with your husband, and your job and family and life because that’s all I can hope.

I know I can leave this world knowing I helped one person.

I hope it was you Michelle, and I will always love you. No matter where you go, or what you do, I will always love you, and our time together.

Because it was magical and real.

And nobody can every take those memories away from us.

 

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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8 Signs Its Time To End A Friendship

These bros ain’t loyals, sometimes good judies turn to jealous jackasses and your bestie may become an enemy.Deciding whether or not to break up with a friend can feel like a roller-coaster ride of emotions. Yet when considered logically, it could clearly be the healthiest choice.

As we go through life, we naturally make new acquaintances and form friendships with a select few. While we put great importance on carefully choosing who we let in, we should remember to cut ties with those who start to drag us down.

It’s really nothing to feel ashamed of. Naturally, people change and you may find yourselves in totally different places. Don’t assume that friends must always be forever, at times it simply can’t be fixed or reconciled. Sometimes you’ve got to consider your own long-term happiness and keep your social circle lean.

It can be a painful experience a friendship changes for the worst, but there’s no need to prolong the hurt. If your relationship possesses any of these eight indicators, it may be time gracefully part ways!

1. Your Relationship Has Become One-Sided

If your relationship has fallen off-balance and shows no sign of returning, it’s likely they don’t value you as you do them. Constantly having to pursue a friend without much return is terrible, it can even harm your self-worth.

If you’ve let your friend know and it still hasn’t made a difference, quit wasting your energy and let them go!

2. Manipulating and Controlling Behavior Runs Rampant

Stop to reflect on your relationship for a second, have you lost sight of being the real you? If you feel you’re no longer being authentic, relationship toxicity will be building up. Consider whether you or your friend manipulating each other, and why?

Healthy friendships are about sharing the depth of our character, not exploiting each other. If this is the case, it may be time to reassess the whole relationship.

3. They Are Dragging You Down With Them

Are you starting to feel guilty by association? If your friend has a questionable character or behavior, you may want to consider how it reflects back upon you. If they regularly exhibit bullying behavior, others may start to see you in the same light. Or worse yet, it may start to bring out the bully in you!

You’ve got to be careful with who you align or associate yourself with, you may pick up their qualities and mannerisms too.

4. There’s Spiteful Jealous and Furious Competition Between You

Your friendship is well on truly on the rocks if you find yourselves in bouts of jealousy and ruthless one-upping. The constant need to prove yourselves to each other is exhausting rather than comforting.

Remember, friendships should be empowering and encouraging not antagonizing!

5. The Best Thing Between You is History

Sometimes, we find ourselves holding onto lifelong friends for little more than the rich history. But what’s the point of holding on if the only positive part is a recollection of a childhood friendship. You’re now living in the present, where you, your friend and life may be radically different.

The last thing you want to do is hold onto stale relationships purely out of historic honor!

6. They No Longer Contribute Anything Positive to Your Life

Sometimes we’ve simply got to stand up for ourselves. If someone does nothing but bring us down, we must respect ourselves enough to let them go. Friends should be a natural extension of your life, as you should be to theirs.

Whether it’s cheering each other up, spurring each other on or even just having a laugh together. Everyone contributes something different, but make sure it’s positive!

7. The Negative Situations Over-Shadow the Positive Ones

If the bad has begun to outweigh the good, it’s likely your friendship is beginning to sour. A friendship should be mutually beneficial and make both of you happy, not provoke emotional situations or altercations.

While an occasional fallout is quite common, having consistent problems is a strong indicator of incompatibility.

8. They Are Chipping Away At Your Self-Esteem

True friends provide a crucial support system for each other, especially within the associated stresses of modern living. Whenever either one has problems, troubles or doubts, their buddies will rally to provide moral support. This single most important aspect of friendships is raising each other’s self-esteem.

Breaking up with a friend is never easy, but if they are working against your self-confidence and causing you to doubt yourself, it’s definitely time to jump ship!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

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Life Before Quarantine – Part 7

During quarantine I’ve been fairly productive. I get my energy from people but I really enjoy my alone time. My daughter agrees. We’re both perfectly happy being on our own. I was looking through some photos the other day and I got some great memories of when we were all allowed to come out and play. I thought I’d share some of them with you. I’ll run this series every week until I run out of photos! If you see yourself, hit me up!

I’m very fortunate to have met you all and enjoyed the times we had together. Thank you!

Enjoy!

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Life Before Quarantine – Part 6

During quarantine I’ve been fairly productive. I get my energy from people but I really enjoy my alone time. My daughter agrees. We’re both perfectly happy being on our own. I was looking through some photos the other day and I got some great memories of when we were all allowed to come out and play. I thought I’d share some of them with you. I’ll run this series every week until I run out of photos! If you see yourself, hit me up!

I’m very fortunate to have met you all and enjoyed the times we had together. Thank you!

Enjoy!

 

Two Face takes a wife…

 

 

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Life Before Quarantine – Part 5

During quarantine I’ve been fairly productive. I get my energy from people but I really enjoy my alone time. My daughter agrees. We’re both perfectly happy being on our own. I was looking through some photos the other day and I got some great memories of when we were all allowed to come out and play. I thought I’d share some of them with you. I’ll run this series every week until I run out of photos! If you see yourself, hit me up!

I’m very fortunate to have met you all and enjoyed the times we had together. Thank you!

Enjoy!

 

 

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly