We all go through dry spells. We all know what it’s like. So let’s give ourselves permission to laugh about those moments when you realize it has been entirely too long since you last had sex. Here are 15 signs.
1. When you feel around on the empty half of your bed, you find a single snow boot, a Life Magazine from 1967, and a half-eaten animal cracker that you swear is judging you with his frowny circus animal half-face.
2. You didn’t know “condom dust” was a thing, until you checked the hidden pocket in your wallet.
3. You’ve stopped saying uber-confident stuff to your friends like, “Tonight, I’m going to Bonetown, Virginia!” and now mutter quietly to yourself about how you yearn for physical intimacy. And then you shed a single tear, unbeknownst to the revelers around you, who are, in fact, there for your birthday party.
4. Your mom’s like, “Are you getting enough sex, dear?”
5. Your friends don’t even ask anymore.
6. You’ve kind of pretty much totally forgotten how to lip-kiss.
7. You have not plucked your Creepy Nipple Hair since before Carly Rae Jepsen was a thing.
8. You have looked at your naked reflection, stood tall, and said aloud, “I’m not that bad.”
9. You have looked at your naked reflection, stuck out your stomach, jiggled it around, frowned at your bellybutton, then ate ice cream in bed until you fell asleep.
10. You have almost successfully convinced yourself that nobody else in the whole world is having sex when your roommate — who has the same name as one of your parents — comes home with the loudest. One night stand. Of all time.
11. You know what’s better than sex?! Cheese. And RPGs. And watching Louie on Netflix, alone, in bed, with a box of white wine. Seriously, you all are missing out.
12. You’ve envisioned telling your next sex partner how long it’s been since your last sexual encounter, in case you do something severely incorrect.
13. Sometimes it feels like you are being beaten in the genitals with a wooden plank, but when you look down, nothing’s there.
14. Sometimes you forget you have sex parts.
15. You take comfort in knowing that you went 16 years without sex. Granted, that was from age zero to 16, but dammit, you can do it again if necessary!
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!
I haven’t done one of these in a while, but why not? These are crazy!
18 Strange Tinder Profiles To Make You Cringe Your Face Off
Tinder is a place where people should express themselves, because if you’re looking for a partner for sexy time, or a partner for the not-sexy-times too (which we call a relationship), you should just get it over with and show off your weirdest quirks straight away. Right?! Well that’s what these Tinder people did, and… actually maybe I change my mind. Don’t do what these people did, because people (like us) will laugh at your f*cking weird Tinder profiles. Sorry not sorry. Heh heh.
1
2
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!
Whether you are in a relationship, out of a relationship, or trying to get into one, you are likely already acquainted with pick-up lines. And if you have an active profile on Tinder, you’ve perhaps even used or come across a few pick-up lines today.
Pick-up lines serve numerous purposes in the dating world. You can use them to get the girl you’ve matched with to develop an interest in you, break the ice in a deadlocked conversation, or simply liven up an otherwise boring talk.
When using pick-up lines, the unwritten rule is that the cuter and more hilarious the lines are, the higher your chances of winning the girl.
The following are some of the funniest tinder pick-up lines you can use to win a girl over.
Best Pick up Lines
1. Are you a bank loan? Because you have my interest.
2. Are you a Middle Eastern dictator? Because you’re causing a political uprising in my pants!
3. Are you the SAT? Cause I’d do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a ten minute break in the middle for snacks.
4. Are you the square root of 1? Because you seriously can’t be real!
5. Can you stop staring at my profile and message me already? I don’t bite unless you ask.
6. Damn, you have a dog! Does that mean I’ll never win the “best ever cuddler” title?
7. Damn, you’re a knockout. Was your father a boxer, or did you just get lucky with the gene pool? ???? I bet you a cocktail your personality is even better than your looks too! ?
8. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
9. Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!
10. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should we match again?
11. Do you believe in love at first swipe?
12. Do you ever just lie down at night, look up at the stars and think about all the messed up things in the world? Like why is there a ‘D’ in ‘fridge’ but no ‘D’ in ‘refrigerator’?
13. Do you have a personality as intriguing as your eyes?
14. Do you know the best thing about kisses? If you don’t like them, you can always return them.
15. Do you like sleeping? Me too, we should do it together some time.
16. “Have you ever been to Antarctica?”
“No, why?”
“No way neither have I, we have so much in common!”
17. I’d say you’re the bomb, but that could turn into lethal conversation…
18. “I’m writing a book”
“Fantastic, what about”
“About how beautiful girl like you can stay for so long before meeting smart dudes like me”
19. Hey gorgeous, will you be my Tinderella?
20. I don’t flirt but I do have a habit of being extra nice to people who are extra attractive.
21. If a thousand painters worked for a thousand years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.
22. If beauty were time, you’d be eternity.
23. If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
24. If we were at home, cuddling on a rainy Sunday morning, what would we have for breakfast? a) American pancakes b) French crèpes c) waffles d) omelette e) something else?
25. If you look that good in clothes, you must look even better out of them.
26. If you were a triangle you’d be acute one.
27. If you’re as good at cuddling as you’re good looking, I’m signing myself up on the waitlist for a date. ?
28. I’m sure you get this all the time but you look like a mix between Fergie and Gandhi.
29. I’m accepting applications if you want to apply, requirements include your phone number.
30. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
31. Is your name Earl Grey? Because you look like a hot-tea!
32. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
33. I value my breath so I’d appreciate if you’d stop taking it away.
34. Maybe you can help me. I forgot the password to my account, and when I hit ‘password hint,’ it keeps telling me ‘Jessica’s phone number.
35. My mom told me not to talk to strangers online, but I’ll make an exception for you.
36. My nickname at school was “the truth” girls just couldn’t handle me, what was yours?
37. On a scale from 1 to 10, you’re a 9 and I’m the 1 you need.
38. Since distance equals velocity times time, let’s let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
39. So, are you the kind I’d find climbing mountains and acing the diamond slopes, or chilling on the beach with a glass of wine?
40. Sorry it took me so long to message you, I was at Whole Foods trying to figure out what you like for breakfast.
41. Sorry, the position for Spanish teacher has been filled. What I’m looking for at the moment is a bedroom acrobatic teacher.
42. Tell me, what can I say to impress you?
43. They say Tinder is a numbers game… so can I get your number?
44. This is so us. Me doing all the talking. You sitting there looking all cute.
45. We matched! Does that mean you’re coming over to my place tonight, or should we meet and establish we aren’t serial killers or living with our parents first?
46. When I was younger my fairy godmother said I can have a long penis or a long memory, I can’t remember my response.
47. When our friends ask us how we met, what are we going to tell them?
48. What’s a smart, attractive, young… man like me doing without your number?
49. You look like you have great energy, I’m curious, where do you get it from? Yoga? Sports? Dance?
50. You must be a small amount of red phosphorus and I must be a tiny wooden stick… Because we’re a match.
51. You sound busy…any chance of adding me to your to-do list?
52. You’re going to have to delete tinder, you’re making the other girls look bad.
53. You’re seriously cute, but here’s the dealbreaker: do you, or do you not eat marmite?
54. You’re so beautiful you just made me forget my pickup line.
55. You’ve got the best smile on tinder. I bet you use Crest.
There goes our rundown of the most hilarious pick-up lines on Tinder. Add more glamor to your Tinder dating experience by implementing some of these cute and creative liners.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!
Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!
Having grown up with a last name that is often mocked for having components of phallic innuendo, I can relate to these poor souls a little bit. Like I can’t even imagine what kind of verbal abuse they went through growing up.
I like to imagine each of them lead lives similar to the Boy Named Sue.
From Ben Dover to Richard Johnson, and every name in between, some parents just didn’t have enough forethought when they were choosing baby names, or they really didn’t care that their kid was going to get bullied constantly. But either way, its the parents’ fault. But if you thought these were bad, you should see how some of these people named their cats.
1
3
4
5
6
7
8
9
10
11
12
13
14
15
16
17
18
19
20
21
22
23
24
25
26
27
28
29
30
31
32
33
34
35
36
37
38
39
40
41
42
43
44
45
46
47
48
49
50
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!
Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!
