I haven’t done one of these in a while, but why not? These are crazy!
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18 Strange Tinder Profiles To Make You Cringe Your Face Off
Tinder is a place where people should express themselves, because if you’re looking for a partner for sexy time, or a partner for the not-sexy-times too (which we call a relationship), you should just get it over with and show off your weirdest quirks straight away. Right?! Well that’s what these Tinder people did, and… actually maybe I change my mind. Don’t do what these people did, because people (like us) will laugh at your f*cking weird Tinder profiles. Sorry not sorry. Heh heh.
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Whether you are in a relationship, out of a relationship, or trying to get into one, you are likely already acquainted with pick-up lines. And if you have an active profile on Tinder, you’ve perhaps even used or come across a few pick-up lines today.
Pick-up lines serve numerous purposes in the dating world. You can use them to get the girl you’ve matched with to develop an interest in you, break the ice in a deadlocked conversation, or simply liven up an otherwise boring talk.
When using pick-up lines, the unwritten rule is that the cuter and more hilarious the lines are, the higher your chances of winning the girl.
The following are some of the funniest tinder pick-up lines you can use to win a girl over.
Best Pick up Lines
1. Are you a bank loan? Because you have my interest.
2. Are you a Middle Eastern dictator? Because you’re causing a political uprising in my pants!
3. Are you the SAT? Cause I’d do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a ten minute break in the middle for snacks.
4. Are you the square root of 1? Because you seriously can’t be real!
5. Can you stop staring at my profile and message me already? I don’t bite unless you ask.
6. Damn, you have a dog! Does that mean I’ll never win the “best ever cuddler” title?
7. Damn, you’re a knockout. Was your father a boxer, or did you just get lucky with the gene pool? ???? I bet you a cocktail your personality is even better than your looks too! ?
8. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?
9. Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!
10. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should we match again?
11. Do you believe in love at first swipe?
12. Do you ever just lie down at night, look up at the stars and think about all the messed up things in the world? Like why is there a ‘D’ in ‘fridge’ but no ‘D’ in ‘refrigerator’?
13. Do you have a personality as intriguing as your eyes?
14. Do you know the best thing about kisses? If you don’t like them, you can always return them.
15. Do you like sleeping? Me too, we should do it together some time.
16. “Have you ever been to Antarctica?”
“No, why?”
“No way neither have I, we have so much in common!”
17. I’d say you’re the bomb, but that could turn into lethal conversation…
18. “I’m writing a book”
“Fantastic, what about”
“About how beautiful girl like you can stay for so long before meeting smart dudes like me”
19. Hey gorgeous, will you be my Tinderella?
20. I don’t flirt but I do have a habit of being extra nice to people who are extra attractive.
21. If a thousand painters worked for a thousand years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.
22. If beauty were time, you’d be eternity.
23. If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?
24. If we were at home, cuddling on a rainy Sunday morning, what would we have for breakfast? a) American pancakes b) French crèpes c) waffles d) omelette e) something else?
25. If you look that good in clothes, you must look even better out of them.
26. If you were a triangle you’d be acute one.
27. If you’re as good at cuddling as you’re good looking, I’m signing myself up on the waitlist for a date. ?
28. I’m sure you get this all the time but you look like a mix between Fergie and Gandhi.
29. I’m accepting applications if you want to apply, requirements include your phone number.
30. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?
31. Is your name Earl Grey? Because you look like a hot-tea!
32. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?
33. I value my breath so I’d appreciate if you’d stop taking it away.
34. Maybe you can help me. I forgot the password to my account, and when I hit ‘password hint,’ it keeps telling me ‘Jessica’s phone number.
35. My mom told me not to talk to strangers online, but I’ll make an exception for you.
36. My nickname at school was “the truth” girls just couldn’t handle me, what was yours?
37. On a scale from 1 to 10, you’re a 9 and I’m the 1 you need.
38. Since distance equals velocity times time, let’s let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.
39. So, are you the kind I’d find climbing mountains and acing the diamond slopes, or chilling on the beach with a glass of wine?
40. Sorry it took me so long to message you, I was at Whole Foods trying to figure out what you like for breakfast.
41. Sorry, the position for Spanish teacher has been filled. What I’m looking for at the moment is a bedroom acrobatic teacher.
42. Tell me, what can I say to impress you?
43. They say Tinder is a numbers game… so can I get your number?
44. This is so us. Me doing all the talking. You sitting there looking all cute.
45. We matched! Does that mean you’re coming over to my place tonight, or should we meet and establish we aren’t serial killers or living with our parents first?
46. When I was younger my fairy godmother said I can have a long penis or a long memory, I can’t remember my response.
47. When our friends ask us how we met, what are we going to tell them?
48. What’s a smart, attractive, young… man like me doing without your number?
49. You look like you have great energy, I’m curious, where do you get it from? Yoga? Sports? Dance?
50. You must be a small amount of red phosphorus and I must be a tiny wooden stick… Because we’re a match.
51. You sound busy…any chance of adding me to your to-do list?
52. You’re going to have to delete tinder, you’re making the other girls look bad.
53. You’re seriously cute, but here’s the dealbreaker: do you, or do you not eat marmite?
54. You’re so beautiful you just made me forget my pickup line.
55. You’ve got the best smile on tinder. I bet you use Crest.
There goes our rundown of the most hilarious pick-up lines on Tinder. Add more glamor to your Tinder dating experience by implementing some of these cute and creative liners.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
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Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!
Having grown up with a last name that is often mocked for having components of phallic innuendo, I can relate to these poor souls a little bit. Like I can’t even imagine what kind of verbal abuse they went through growing up.
I like to imagine each of them lead lives similar to the Boy Named Sue.
From Ben Dover to Richard Johnson, and every name in between, some parents just didn’t have enough forethought when they were choosing baby names, or they really didn’t care that their kid was going to get bullied constantly. But either way, its the parents’ fault. But if you thought these were bad, you should see how some of these people named their cats.
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Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
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This was early ’80s, in L.A. We were a five piece rock/pop group, and I played guitar. The bar was rather large, with guest/band rooms upstairs and a “special event” room behind the main bar. There’d be comedians, male & female “dancers” and such back there. This particular week the bar had female dancers in that room. We were playing our regular, routine show on a pretty dead Wednesday night. Big difference that night was most if not all the girls from that back room were sitting there watching us. Nothing better to do, I guess. I could always pull talent from that willing pool of women.
Like a lot of bars, this one also held drawings for various door prizes. This night was no different.
We’d played a couple sets, and our singer (Later left the band. Too much into nose candy) announced that anybody holding a ticket should get ready for the drawing. He’s standing there, holding the glass jar with the tickets in one hand, and his mic in the other, when the bass player, Frank nonchalantly walked behind him. Frank suddenly turned, grabbed the singer’s spandex pants and yanked them down to his knees. No undies. The singer, standing there with his junk hanging out, looked down, slowly turned, and kind of shuffled off stage, behind the mains, where he put down the glass jar and his mic, then pulled his pants back up. The girls out front were dying. Indeed, the entire room was laughing so hard even the bartender had tears in his eyes.
The singer came back on stage with his mic, and said “okay, that was different…” He looked at Frank, the bass player and told him “…I’ll kill you later…” and we proceeded to finish the set, and the rest of the night. The singer was a really funny guy (I say “was” because he’s dead now) and an incredibly good sport. Interestingly, he slept with most of those girls as a direct, or indirect, result of that “incident”. (Well done, sir!)
This one’s for you, buddy. 40 years on, and we still talk about, laugh at, and miss you.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
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If your Instagram looked like #relationshipgoals up until your recent breakup, you might feel compelled to share the news of your split with your followers. (If Miley Cyrus can do it, why can’t you, right?) But if long, vulnerable captions aren’t your style, you might want to opt for funny Instagram captions to use after your breakup to convey that you’re newly single and going to be just fine.
If you’re not exactly feeling super funny today, don’t worry. This list has got you covered. Whether you want to just go with a hilarious Lizzo quote that shows how fabulous you are or you want to get some people sliding in your DMs as soon as humanly possible, this list is filled to the brim with options for every mood.
Rather than blowing up your group chat trying to come up with the best caption, let this list do all of the heavy lifting for you. Read each one of them and copy and paste whichever feels the most true to how you’re feeling onto your next Instagram post. Are you ready for this?
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“My DMs are open for sliding. #letthegamesbegin”
This is a not-so-subtle and hilarious way to announce that you’re back on the market. Get ready for your followers who have been silently thirsting after you to pop out of the woodwork.
“Does anyone have Tyler Cameron’s number? Asking for a friend (that friend is me).”
Or sub in Travis Scott, Kristen Stewart, etc…
“You coulda had a bad b*tch, non-committal.”
As if this list would be complete without at least one Lizzo quote. If you want to send your ex a hilarious but also majorly passive-aggressive message, I’d go with this one for sure.
“no ring, no prob”
Pair this with the most DGAF picture you have for maximum LOLs.
“🎼 AND IIIIIIII-IIIII-IIII WILL ALWAAYS LOVE MEEEEE 🎼”
Give your own single-person spin on the Whitney Houston classic.
“PSA: I’m back on the market.”
I mean, the public really deserves to know this information. So, why not announce it PSA-style?
“I am Beyoncé always.”
Michael Scott has gifted the world with plenty of great quotes, but this may be one of his best. Quote the GOAT in your caption to let people know that you’re thriving on your own.
“FYI, Grandma you can stop asking how [ex’s name] is doing.”
Again, this is a little petty. But sometimes being a little petty is funny.
“Realized I’ll probs never find a love like the one I have for pizza & am totally cool with that.”
If you’re a pizza lover, go with this caption to let people know you’ve still got your bae.
“You used to be my cup of tea, but now I sip Champagne.”
I saw this on a t-shirt once and am just still not over it. So petty. So hilarious. So great.
“Made like Elsa and decided to let it go.”
Why not throw a little Frozen reference in there?
“Like Halsey, it turns out I’m bad at love… but I’m good at taking shots so who’s down to meet me at [insert fave bar here]?”
If you’re trying to party, go with this caption. Invite your friends out for a night of celebrating your newfound single status.
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“thank u, next-ing & thriving”
Nothing like a good old, fashioned Ariana tribute.
“I’m good on my own.”
You came into this world alone and you’ll leave it alone, so being single is only natural. Let people know you’re back to being solo and loving it.
“Back together with my Day 1 (me) & we’re happier than ever.”
Just wait for the praise-hands emoji comments to roll in.
“We (are) on a break!”
Obvs, we had to throw a Ross/Rachel tribute in there for those of you who are, in fact, on a break.
“Who wants to help me come up with a fire Tinder bio?”
This is funny but it also shows you’re actively moving on.
“Back to doin’ what I do best: me.”
A little spicy.
“Hot take: There is no greater joy in life than sleeping sprawled out starfish-style in the middle of your bed.”
Have you ever tried doing this? It’s truly one of the greatest spoils of being single.
“singlin’ & minglin'”
You’re not just single and “ready” to mingle, let everyone know you’re out there actively mingling.
“Being a ‘relationship person’ never really quite felt on brand, anyway.”
This is a pretty cheeky way to announce that you’re really embracing and loving the single life.
“Single until I find a human I love more than chicken fingers.”
This will likely be never and I totally get that.
“Still not sure why I’d want a [BF/GF] when no human could ever be as loyal (or gorgeous or smart or cool) as my dog.”
True.
“Imagine waking up in the morning and getting to do WHATEVER YOU WANT without taking ANYONE ELSE into consideration… That’s pretty much every day of my life now, so I’d just like to publicly congratulate myself on that here.”
Ah, nothing like a good, old-fashioned congratulatory post.
OK, now take your pick and show the world just how fine you really are.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.
“This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.”
I read this recently and nearly died laughing. I know this isn’t the usual phicklephilly fare, but it was just so glorious and brilliantly written I had to share.
Happy Friday!
Enjoy!
Customer Review
Veet Hair Removal Gel
5.0 out of 5 stars
A warning from across the pond…
By: A. Chappellon July 3, 2012
Format: Health and Beauty
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly Rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus’s birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance, and working in the North Sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews, and wrote them off as soft office types…oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen.
I didn’t have long to wait. At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn’t featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel off in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the drain with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen. By this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me.
The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned. Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn’t managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found its way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running its engines behind me. This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before. Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering…” Ooooh that feels good “.
Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn’t heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn’t the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn’t improve my status…So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self-respect…:)
“Hi Lorelei. Daddy’s just going to take this fat, drunk bitch back to his room and tie her up. Then you’re going to hear a lot of slapping and squishing sounds. You’re also going to hear Daddy say a bunch of really foul sexually degrading things to this woman, so you better put your ear buds in and crank that shit up.”
One night a couple of years ago, I was out with a friend of mine. We were having drinks outside at Misconduct at 15th & Locust. He was telling me a story about this girl he met on Tinder. Pure hookup. She comes over to his apartment. Sadly, she doesn’t look like her Tinder pics. Which is not good. That’s like seeing a photo of a car you want to buy in the Auto Trader and when you get to the lot to check out the car, it’s an older model and a little banged up and maybe even a bit more car than you saw in the photos.
But he was drunk and up for the foul deed. He said she was a thick girl but he went to town on her anyway. Like my tinder profile says: “If you don’t look like your photos, you’re going to buy me drinks until you do.” So he said it was good sex except for one thing. He didn’t like that she wanted him to spit on her and hit her. There’s nothing wrong with what two consenting adults do with each other behind closed doors. Especially if everyone’s on board with what’s happening. But he didn’t like it. Just not his thing.
He told me that he wasn’t comfortable with that situation. He said at that point no matter what he was into or what he would do, he couldn’t do that again. It just wasn’t him. (He didn’t spit on her or hit her at all) At that time, back in the beginning of 2014, I had just come off a break up and told him to send Andrea pics of me. Because I was up for whatever she wanted dished out. The key here is when it comes to dominance, be firm…not mean. There’s a big difference. I would discipline and correct her if necessary. And remember, the submissive party is ALWAYS in control. They have the safe word and hold the power to cancel the fantasy at anytime. That’s the rules of S&M play.
Well, nothing came of it. Until earlier this year when she connected to me on LinkedIn. LinkedIn of all places! Can you imagine with all of the dating websites out there, LinkedIn brings me the crazy S&M chick? So we chatted and did some texting. She wanted me to text her all of the things I was going to do to her, so I did. I have a pretty good imagination. She said she was getting really turned on and that we should meet.
I set it up that we should meet at the Ranstead Room. It’s just a good spot normally to hideout with somebody. I get there and I’m just chilling with a drink. She arrives shortly thereafter. My friend was right about her. In her Tinder pics she looks really hot, but in real life she is a lot bigger, and what was with that low tranny voice? Not good. I just wasn’t feeling it. I would have to drink a LOT of cocktails for Andrea to start to resemble her profile pics on Tinder. So I figured what the hell, I was already here and the drinks were flowing. She wasn’t that hot but at least I was someplace where nobody knew me.
Then the manager from the restaurant where my daughter works suddenly comes through the door and walks right up to me and says hello using my name.
Now I’m made. He can see who I’m with and now everybody there knows my name.
Andrea starts telling me about her life. She hates her job and wants to leave Philly. (Probably a good idea for us all.) She was seeing some crazy drug dealer loser guy. He’s suicidal, and does tons of coke. It’s bad, and she’s not much better. I always thought if you did a bunch of cocaine you were skinny. Certainly not the case here.
After awhile we’re getting pretty tipsy. We went outside for a cigarette. She was on me like a northern pike hitting the bait. So I’m making out with her and people are walking by on Ranstead and she just pulls her boobs out. She’s losing her shit. She wants to take me back behind the building and give me a blowjob.
Yea. Great. I’ll just go stand behind my daughter’s manager’s Mercedes-Benz and you can give me oral. What if he walks outside and sees that shit? That’s not going to be good for me or anybody. Now, if this was Los Angeles and it was 1982, yea I’d be down for that, but not now. That’s gross. Sure, I’m flattered that she’s turned on enough from my words and the alcohol to want to blow me in a filthy alley, but no. Just no. I don’t roll like that.
She’s drunk. We go back inside and we’re in the vestibule and all sorts of things are happening with lips and fingers. If somebody comes through either door, we’re going to jail. So after that brief encounter, we go back inside. I kind of want to go home. In the right environment, some S&M play could be fun with her, but I’m just not getting a good vibe from her in this moment. She’s calling me daddy and all that shit. She says she loves older men, etc. I tell her I have an early sales meeting in the morning that I have to travel to so we should wrap it up. (A bold-faced lie)
She wants to go back to my place and have sex. Great idea. I can see it now. Me walking through the door to my apartment with Andrea and my daughter sitting on the sofa.
“Hi Lorelei. Daddy’s just going to take this fat, drunk bitch back to his room and tie her up. Then you’re going to hear a lot of slapping and squishing sounds. You’re also going to hear Daddy say a bunch of really foul sexually degrading things to this woman, so you better put your ear buds in and crank that shit up.”
No. Not happening. We pay the bill, and we walk over to 18th Street. I hail her a taxi and send her on her way. I was actually relieved when she was gone.
If somebody I met and was in a relationship wanted to experiment with some things, I’d be down with that, but Andrea just isn’t that person.
Update! She appeared at the salon tonight for a tan before she goes to L.A!
She’s leaving Philly for good!
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish Monday through Friday at 8am EST.
During the event it was reported that Epstein said “I’m so high I’m on the ceiling. I’m up on the ceiling.”
In late August of 1964, The Beatles started their first official U.S. tour. The group began at Cow Palace in San Francisco and finished at the Paramount Theatre in New York. On August 28-29 The Beatles played at Forest Hills Stadium in New York and were befriended by Bob Dylan. The two parties were introduced by the writer Al Aronowitz at New York’s Delmonico Hotel.
After a brief chat with The Beatles, Bob Dylan asked John, Paul, Ringo, George, and Brian Epstein if they wanted to smoke a joint. Epstein looked apprehensive and said that the band hadn’t tried marijuana for years. Dylan was immediately surprised because he had been under the impression that they smoked weed because of the song I Want to Hold Your Hand. He mistook the lyrics “I can’t hide” with “I get high.”
The Beatles were never one to back down from a new experience and agreed. Lennon took the joint and passed it to Ringo whom he called his “royal taster.” Ringo smoked the entire thing, not knowing the tradition of sharing the joint between people. In response, Dylan rolled a joint for each of The Beatles and they smoked. During the event it was reported that Epstein said “I’m so high I’m on the ceiling. I’m up on the ceiling.” McCartney got more philosophical and asked Mal Evans to write down everything he was saying.
Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish Monday through Friday at 8am EST.
