25 Signs You’re Not Actually Dating

Remember when you were in high school and college and dating really just meant “hanging out”? Once you reach a certain age—ahem, 21, when you can legally go out to a restaurant and order a bottle of wine—the definition of dating becomes much, much simpler. In order to be dating someone, you need to be going out on dates, among other things.

After the jump, 25 signs you’re not actually dating.

  1. You’ve never hung out before 10 p.m.
  2. All of your plans arise out of spontaneous run-ins.
  3. He’s married or has a girlfriend.
  4. You’ve been out more than five times, but have never had a meal together—it’s been all liquid.
  5. You don’t know his last name—let alone his middle!—or where he lives.
  6. You’ve gone out more than five times and haven’t so much as held hands or kissed. (You’re just friends, homie. Or he’s Amish.)
  7. You’ve only hung out in a group in public; the only alone time you have is in bed.
  8. You have to make all attempts at contact—except those late-night booty calls.
  9. You’re sleeping together, but he’s never slept over.
  10. You haven’t had brunch the next day.
  11. You’ve been “hanging out” for a month but have never done so in the light of day.
  12. If you meet his friends, they have no reaction to hearing your name.
  13. You meet up places—he never officially makes plans, like, “Are you free Saturday to see ‘Hot Tub Time Machine’?”
  14. It’s been less than a week since you began seeing him.
  15. It’s been more than a week since you’ve heard from him.
  16. When he sleeps over, he always sneaks out in the morning without saying goodbye.
  17. You only communicate through text messages and email.
  18. In fact, you met online and all of your “dates” have been via Skype!
  19. He leaves a $100 bill on your nightstand before he takes off.
  20. Your friends refer to him as a nickname instead of his real name.
  21. When you ask him to hang, he says he can’t because he’s got a date.
  22. His concern over you having the flu only extends to his inability to get laid, not to your physical well-being.
  23. When you go out for drinks, you always go dutch. Literally, you don’t even switch off buying rounds.
  24. It’s been a month and he doesn’t know how you like your coffee.
  25. He is having dinner, buying drinks, sleeping over, and making plans with someone—it’s just not you. If he’s “dating” someone else in a way that’s above and beyond the way he’s dating you, you’re not actually dating, sister.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Here’s Why Dating Today Is SO Hard, According To 5 Relationship Experts

Here’s an interesting post sent to me by one of my readers. I thought it worth sharing.

My parents met their junior year of college, in line for a bar called “What Ales You?” Twenty-something years later, my older brother met his life partner before he could legally drink. It’s safe to say that I grew up assuming falling in love in your late teens was something that happened naturally to your body, like hormonal acne. As I graduated high school and then college, I wondered where the heck my star-crossed lover was. Moreover, I wondered why dating today is so hard. As the great Charlotte York once said, “I have been dating since I was 15. I am exhausted. Where is he (she)?!” But seriously. What gives?

Like any chatty young millennial with too much free time and internet access, I reached out to every type of relationship expert I could think of. Pausing the Sex and the City episode I was watching (via my ex’s HBO account), I asked them about the culprit of today’s dating drama. Hookup culture? Addiction to technology? Inability to create real and vulnerable relationships? (Spoiler alert: It’s a little of all three.)

In hopes of understanding why dating today feels so hard — here’s what five relationship experts had to say.

1. WE ARE FLOODED WITH IMAGES OF “PERFECT LOVE”

Our expectations are higher today because we are flooded with images of “perfect love” from TV, films, advertisements, and social media. We expect perfection and, if we don’t find it, we move on quickly. This makes dating harder because it’s common for us to look for what’s wrong with someone, instead of focusing on what’s right. We expect an intense spark to be there from the start. If it’s not, we check out and look for someone else, because we feel it’s easy to meet someone thanks to modern technology.

And having fun has become more and more important in today’s culture. After the initial spark wears off and the routine sets in, we become frustrated, bored, and want to experience the spark again. Many people would rather start fresh than fully dive into the other phases of love. And the ease of finding someone online takes away the perceived risk of ending up alone.

— Claudia Cox, relationship coach

2. HAVING SEEMINGLY UNLIMITED CHOICES MAKES DATING MORE COMPLEX

In the past we relied on chance meetings, using friends as intermediaries, talking to a person to gain knowledge about them and thus our choices were reduced but the intensity of our connections was greater. Now we have access to anyone in the world — literally. We have computer algorithms that will match us based on stated preferences, we have the ability to make our physical appearance on line look more flattering than our actual appearance and we have all of this at the swipe of a finger. The result is, for many, having to sift through lots and lots of “dating data” to find a good, authentic fit.

Moreover, because we have access to people without having to leave our homes, we have access to communicate our wants and desires without much cost. The result is a much more complex array of dating categories including casual sex and hookups. We simply find another individual via the Internet who wants casual sex and without having to ever leave our homes we can arrange the process. There is very little investment and thus, it happens frequently.

— Dr. Joshua Klapow, Ph.D., clinical psychologist and host of The Kurre and Klapow Show

3. “HOOKUP CULTURE” GIVES US MASS CONFUSION

In the not too distant past, obtaining a casual sex partner was a difficult bit of business.

‘Hookup culture’ has given us mass confusion. It’s made it hard to define what we’re doing with a person. We find ourselves asking, ‘Is this a date?’, ‘Are we a couple?’, ‘What are the rules?’ ‘What are the expectations?’ ‘Am I one of many?’ ‘Dare I text them first?’ ‘Is it OK to let them know I like them?’ ‘If I express a concern, will they dump me?’

There’s no need for a ‘committed relationship’ if a person is primarily seeking sex. Hookups are effortless, therefore the rigors of being a ‘boyfriend’ or ‘girlfriend’ have been eliminated.

— Susan Winter, NYC-based relationship expert and love coach

4. THE INTERNET MAKES IT HARDER TO BE TRULY VULNERABLE

Now we can hide behind our phones and computer screens and totally avoid vulnerability and true intimacy but simply telling ourselves, ‘it shouldn’t be this hard’ and then you move on to the next person waiting in the wings.

Like social media, online dating has allowed us to invent the person we would like to be, even if that person is not truly who we are. This is often subconsciously done (I’m not talking about intentional catfishing here). By creating a profile of who you think you are or perhaps wish you were, you are potentially attracting the wrong person and setting yourself up for failure without even intending to.

It has also left us with the impression that if the person in front of us doesn’t meet our needs, there are plenty more where they came from and I can just find a new one. Why try so hard? Why push myself to be self aware, vulnerable, scared, compromising? I can order something off of Amazon and get it within 24 to 48 hours, and I can find someone who more perfectly suits my wants and needs.

— Nicole Richardson, licensed marriage and family therapist

5. THERE’S A LOT OF DISTRACTION & A LOT OF GRAY AREA

Before, relationships were relatively black or white — either you’re together, or you’re not. Today, there are multiple shades of grey that exist, and as long as both parties are aware and agree, who is anyone to dispute that? Relationships today can look however they want and the ability to have sexual relationships outside of monogamy has accelerated that idea.

The amount of content we have accessible to us due to the internet gives us many more options to ‘distract’ ourselves from creating in-person connections, because there’s a false sense of connection created by liking or commenting on posts on social media and other platforms.

— Thomas Edwards Jr., founder of The Professional Wingman

From hiding behind phones to feel overwhelmed with choices, there are a ton of reasons dating is so hard today. I’ve found that it can be helpful to try to see every happy couple as proof that you can (and will) find love, too, instead of comparing yourself to your friends in happy relationships. At the end of the day, while modern dating may be hard, you can sleep easy knowing that so many others are navigating this bizarre sea of love, together.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

8 Guys to Avoid in Online Dating

The best part about using dating apps is you’ll have the opportunity to date every day if you like, and there’s no doubt about it that no two dates will be the same. When you’re searching for love online, you’ll find men from every walk of life and varied personal backgrounds — that means you will also encounter the spectrum of different personality types.

Many single women who use online dating sites and apps report they have, on occasion, come across badly behaved guys online or when they arrived at the IRL date. Here are eight types of guys you should look out for — and avoid.

1. The Cheap Guy

Dating can be expensive, and no guy wants to break the bank and go to fancy restaurants without a return on his investment. But there are creative and affordable ways to go on dates. For example, you can get to know someone over a cup of soup or pizza at lunch, and if it works out, you can schedule a second date.

However, you might come across someone who doesn’t want to invest in a date. Typically, these guys suggest meeting for coffee, which represents an inexpensive date and a quick “out” if they don’t feel any chemistry.

Dating is a commitment of both time and resources. It takes time to get to know someone, so I’m not a fan of coffee dates. I’ll give you a few examples of coffee dates gone bad from my experience as a dating coach.

On one date, a guy suggested meeting for coffee and brought his own bottle of water. He refused to order a $4 coffee for his date or even buy her water when he arrived. It showed a complete lack of respect for the woman he had invited for coffee. In that case, the woman cut the date short and left.

Photo of a man with a piggy bank

On another date, a guy ordered his coffee from his Starbuck’s app in advance, so by the time his date arrived, he was happily sipping his cup of java. He could have sent her a text asking what she’d like to order, but made it clear they were going Dutch, or she’d be going home thirsty. She asked him why he didn’t offer to order her a coffee, and he replied with “I pre-ordered mine.” She opted to leave.

The guy another dater was meeting sent a text saying he had arrived, and the woman sent a reply that she was three minutes away and asked that he order her a latte. He said OK, and when she arrived, he had ordered the smallest size for less than $3 for her and ordered the largest size for over $4.50 for himself.

He also ordered food for himself in advance, including a croissant and banana because, he told her, he was hungry. In total, he spent $8 on himself for three items and $2.75 for her. As she sipped her small coffee, shaking her head in disbelief, she wondered why he hadn’t ordered the same size beverage for both of them. Needless to say, it was another one-and-done date.

When it comes to coffee dates, if you’d like to have a more meaningful conversation with someone, I suggest making the investment and going to a casual cafe. I’d also carefully vet the person on the phone in advance to avoid disappointment.

2. The Angry Guy

When I’m reading through profiles in search of matches, I often come across a profile of someone who sounds like they have a chip on their shoulder. Usually, their profile comes with a disclaimer, which is a big red flag.

A woman I know said she encountered one disclaimer that had written in capital letters “You are not authorized to share, reprint, or use my profile for any reason, and if I find out that you do, I will report you and get you banned.”

Photo of an angry man

I find this to be arrogant and offensive. If someone views your profile and thinks you’d be a good fit for a friend of theirs, why not let them make the introduction on your behalf? This verbiage gave the impression that her potential date would be an angry and threatening guy, so she took a pass.

Another profile said “Don’t contact me if you aren’t thin, don’t look like your profile photos, and lie about anything at all, including your age.” Since he gave a list of reasons not to contact him, his message was clear, and the woman didn’t. She wondered whether she would have been on the receiving end of his criticism if she’d gone on a date with him.

3. The Donnie Downer

It’s not unusual to get online dating fatigue or dating burnout if you’ve been swiping left and aren’t connecting with anyone. But you need to bring your A game to every date; you need to push the restart button and start anew.

Photo of a sad man

A few profiles I’ve viewed were over 500 words long — way too long-winded. Some people talk about how awful online dating has been for them, while others say they haven’t met anyone yet worth pursuing IRL. One person even said they had trust issues after getting out of a relationship with a partner who had cheated on them.

None of these rants belongs on a dating profile or should be discussed on a phone date or first date. If you come across a profile that has someone talking about losing their job, how their ex ran off with the neighbor, or how they’ve been depressed, take a pass and find someone who will be happy about meeting you.

4. The Narcissist

Occasionally, you’ll meet someone online who acts superior to others. These guys think so much of themselves that they will think very little of you.

Photo of a man looking at himself in the mirror

An example would be someone who is vain and says they’re a great catch because they’re handsome and are financially secure. This person will brag about their Ferrari and exotic vacations they’ve been on because it’s all about them.

You’ll rarely see them talk about the desire for a “we” because it’s all about “me.” These guys are charming but live in a fantasy world. It’s quite likely they can’t afford the lease payments on the Ferrari, or they’ve borrowed a friend’s car for a photo opp.

5. The Hookup Guy

Most singles are looking for meaningful relationships. In fact, in the Match Ninth Annual Singles in America Study, researchers found 75% of singles in the study said they are hopeful about finding love, with only 9% of singles looking to date casually.

Photo of a couple in bed

However, women often fear men are looking for a hookup, and, depending on which apps they are on or whether they’ve received a random dick pick, they have reason to worry.

If a man’s profile mentions sex, or if he comments on your photo and says you’re sizzling hot, chances are he’s looking for a hookup. Other signs include scheduling a late-night date, so if someone wants to meet for a drink at 10 p.m., make sure you’re unavailable.

6. The Classic Player

Finding a Casanova online isn’t unusual. He’s the guy who makes you feel like you’re the most beautiful woman he’s ever seen, and he’s as handsome as can be. He exudes confidence and sexuality, and if you meet, you may melt in his arms like butter.

The problem with this sexy guy is he will probably have you in rotation. You’ll never know for sure if you’re the Friday night date or the Saturday night date, but you’ll never get both nights in the weekend because his date card is full.

Photo of a man with two women

If you ask him if he’s seeing anyone else, the Classic Player will get defensive and tell you he’s so wrapped up with work these days and spending all of his free time with you.

If you become sexually involved, he’ll bolt in the morning for a “family event” and never take down his profile. Even if his romantic, over-the-top date night with you included saying he thinks he’s falling in love with you, it’s the line he uses to bed you and leave you.

7. The One Who isn’t Over His Ex

They say when one door closes, another opens. While I find that to be true, others say to get over someone you need to get under someone else.

When you meet someone who isn’t over his ex, you’ve got a living ghost in your relationship and are in a no-win love triangle. The tell-tale signs are quite obvious: He has photos of her everywhere on social media or on his phone; he is still connected on Facebook and Instagram; and he starts comparing you to her.

Time does heal, and it’s essential to find out if the person you’re meeting with is ready to date. For some, it’s immediate because the previous relationship was on a downward slant for a long time, and they mourned the loss as it was ending.

Photo of a man crying with a wedding ring

For others who have been jilted by an ex, they may still have them on a pedestal, and you might fear they could get back together again. Wondering how you’re matching up to the one who got away can make you feel anxious, and that is unhealthy.

On a dating profile, men often say they’ve just become single after a long relationship ended. On one dating profile I reviewed, a man had written in the first line that he knew the moment he met his ex-wife on their first date that he was going to marry her.

While that sounds romantic, and you can wonder if that would happen to you, it’s a clear sign that he’s not over her, and even though she’s gone, you could end up in the second position in his heart.

8. The Rescheduler

There are many reasons why people have to reschedule that are valid. Some include a business trip, a funeral, or a child who has the flu. In these cases, it’s important to show compassion and reschedule a firm date to get together when the dust settles.

However, there are a group of men who are on dating sites for the ego boost. They want to see likes on their photos by women. They love swiping right to get a mutual match on Tinder or Bumble, and they schedule dates with you that they have no intention of going on.

Photo of date night on a calendar

Perhaps they’re still in a relationship that’s about to run its course, and they want to check out the options. Or they have a habit of digital window shopping. In either case, you’ve got an unavailable man on your hands, and aren’t you worth meeting someone who has a clean slate just like you do?

Remember to Watch Your Behavior, Too, and Realize That There are Other Fish in the Dating Sea

If you meet someone who fits the description of any of these personality types, know that you’re not alone. And, if you heed our advice and take swift and determined action, you’ll be dodging a bullet. Once that’s resolved, don’t worry. With millions of singles dating online, it’s just a matter of time before you meet someone respectful and kind who is worthy of a woman with your qualities.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Where You’ll Meet Your Next Casual Hookup, Based On Your Zodiac Sign

Who says a meet-cute needs to lead to a long-term relationship? Whether you cross paths with a cutie at an open mic night or reach for the same Twilight bath bomb at the downtown Lush, when it comes to knowing where you’ll meet your next casual hookup, the options are truly endless. And if you’re looking for some extra celestial guidance in your search for your next hot and heavy hookup, following your zodiac sign can be super helpful.

From a karaoke dive bar to a dusty used book store, your next casual hookup may be out there, just waiting to be found. Of course, no matter your sign, the most important part of a hookup is discussing consent and boundaries before turning up the heat. Although a casual thing can be fun and flirty for all, making sure everyone is on the same page is always the first step to getting to it. There’s nothing cute about ghosting or miscommunication, no matter when you were born. But if you’re both clear about what you’re looking for, a casual hookup can be just what the love doctor ordered.

Here is where you’ll meet your next hookup, based on your zodiac sign.

man kissing on cheek young woman during rave party in nightclub

Shutterstock

Aries (March 21–April 19): A Party

If you want to know where the party’s at, ask an Aries. A trendsetter and live wire, this fire sign is likely to meet their next hookup at a party, while dancing on a table or fighting over the AUX cord.

Taurus (April 20–May 20): A Lush Store

Ah, Taurus. The bull has a taste for the finer things in life and loves nothing more than to pamper themselves. From bath bombs to body balms, Taurus is likely to meet their next hookup at a Lush store, bonding over the latest luxe product.

Gemini (May 21–June 20): A Singles Mixer

This talkative air sign lives to flirt and will make it a point to get to places where they know there will be singles. An event centered around meeting new cuties? Count Gemini in.

Cancer (June 21–July 22): A Used Bookstore

Sentimental Cancer loves tradition and history. Intuitive and emotional, this crab isn’t often one for “casual hookups,” but will likely meet their next date at a used bookstore with lots of dust and a wise old man behind the counter.

Leo (July 23–Aug. 22): Doing Karaoke

Leo loves the limelight. Whether they’re doing a Spice Girls song with all of their friends or a Beyoncé solo performance, they’re likely to meet their next hookup at a karaoke bar, when all eyes are on them.

Virgo (Aug. 23–Sept. 22): The Grocery Store

handsome man walking with shopping cart near attractive asian girl gesturing in store

Shutterstock

Virgos like to make a list and check it twice. Analytical and structured, they’re likely to meet their next hookup in the organic aisle of the grocery store, looking for fair trade vanilla and not straying from their lists.

Libra (Sept. 23–Oct. 22): A Nightclub

Lively Libra likes to hit the town with their friends. Charismatic and social, they’re likely to meet their next hookup dancing at their favorite club or waiting in line to get into the newest hot spot.

Scorpio (Oct. 23–Nov. 21): An Indie Movie House

Artsy Scorpio is intense. Poetic and sensual, they’re likely to meet their next hookup at the indie movie house they went to alone in the middle of the day (where they go to really sit with their thoughts).

Sagittarius (Nov. 22–Dec. 21): Literally Anywhere

When you look up “casual hookup” in the dictionary, you probably see Sagittarius. A free spirit and adventurous soul, this archer likes to go wherever the wind blows and loves to meet new cuties along the way. They’re likely to meet their next hookup literally wherever they go.

Capricorn (Dec. 22–Jan.19): On Tinder

Ambitious Capricorn doesn’t like to waste time. This earth sign is likely to meet their next hookup on Tinder, as they’re editing their resume and looking over their five-year plan.

Aquarius (Jan. 20–Feb. 18): Waiting For Your Uber

Quirky Aquarius dances to the beat of their own drum. One to talk to strangers and find themselves in new neighborhoods, they’re likely to meet their next hookup while waiting for their Uber home from somewhere they wandered to.

Pisces (Feb. 19–March 20): An Art Show

Dreamy Pisces is creative and imaginative. Drawn to art and cultural events, they’ll likely meet their next hookup at an art show or opening for an edgy new sculptor or avant-garde digital filmmaker-turned-oil-painter.

Whether you cross eyes at the supermarket or bump into each other at a bar, Your next casual hookup could be right around the corner.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Carly – Club Quarters in the Clutch

I was hanging with my dear friend and top of the food chain alpha babe, Carly, the other night at Square 1682. She was telling me one of her stories. As marketing director for a major restaurant chain here in the city, she wields great power and influence over free stuff for clients. She was getting someone some sort of a hookup at the Club Quarters around the corner.

Faced with my current dilemma of where I can take Cherie and relieve her of the burden of her burning desire for me, I asked if I could get the same.

She said she would see what she could do. “If the hotel is 95% rented, I can get you a full suite for $122 a night.”

I thank her profusely for anything she can do. She simply says, “You’re a good friend, and you never ask for anything.”

Carly is the coolest chick I know in the city.

That is dirt cheap for center city. Cherie could park her car at 2 Liberty and get a ticket. It’s right across the street. She gives the ticket to the folks at Club Quarters and they give her a huge discount. I simply pack a bag, and walk there on Saturday to check in at 3pm. We don’t have to be out by noon on Sunday, but as long as I’m out by 10:30am at the latest, I can walk over to the tanning salon and open it at 11am. This could work!

Carly finishes her vodka and tells me she has to bolt. She says she’ll let me know by tomorrow.

I don’t reach out the next day, because I know she’s super busy this time of year. So I wait. I’m talking to Cherie about it and she’s hopeful. I even spoke to my sister about vacancy of the shore house. She says it’s all clear if I wanted to go down to be “alone” and “get away from the city” and “work on my book.”

So if Carly can’t come through, we’re going to the shore this weekend. I’m fine with either, we’d just have to get up and out of there at 8am to be back in Philly for me to open the salon. Destiny will unfold.

The next day, I text Carly, “Hi. Hope you’re having a good day. Have you heard anything back about the room?” Normally she’s so busy it’s hard to get a quick response from her. But she does get back to me in a reasonable amount of time. “Hey, the room is booked for Saturday night. You’re all set. Just give them a credit card when you get there, and give me your email. I’ll send you a confirmation.”

Carly is amazing. I’m going to have to do something to really thank her for getting it done for me. She’s really into rescue dogs. Maybe I could get her something for the two dogs she has currently. I gotta at least buy that lady a drink.

I’m all set!

I can’t wait to tell Cherie. She’ll be delighted. I guess this is really happening. I really like Cherie, and I think it could be quite the celebration when we’re together. She says she’s sexual animal, and I’m willing to go a few rounds with her.

 

But I don’t think Cherie realizes what she may be getting in the water with…

Image result for baby seal eaten by a great white

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day at 8am EST.

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