A Psychologist Explains The Real Reason You’re Lonely & How To Love Being Alone

With the challenge of social distancing, many people now have to spend time alone, and many are having problems with it. We are social beings, and we are meant to connect with each other both physically and emotionally, so of course it’s very challenging for many, especially extroverts, to be alone.

Yet it’s vitally important for all of us to be able to be alone with ourselves and still feel peaceful and full within.

The true secret to beating loneliness.

While connection with others is very important, even more important is connection with ourselves—our soul—and with our higher power. It’s this inner connection that takes away the inner feeling of loneliness and emptiness. In fact, without this inner connection, even connecting with others can leave you feeling alone and empty, which is one reason people turn to addictions such as food, alcohol, drugs, TV, social media, and so on.

Self-abandonment is the true source of feelings of loneliness and emptiness. It happens when you ignore your feelings, judge yourself, numb with various addictions, or hope someone else will take responsibility for your feelings. When you focus on truly connecting with yourself rather than abandoning yourself, you might discover that you actually enjoy being alone.

Sometimes people feel this inner connection with meditation, yet often when they are done meditating, they again feel the alone and empty feeling of inner disconnection. With social distancing, it’s important to be able to maintain your inner and spiritual connection all day.

How to create your inner connection.

You can do this at any time. You don’t need to be sitting in meditation or doing nothing to start practicing inner connection.

1. Tune into your feelings.

Take some deep breathes and shift your focus from your mind and into your body. Get present in your body and scan your body, noticing any tension, tightness, numbness, emptiness or fluttering anywhere. Breathe into these feelings.

Instead of trying to avoid any of your difficult feelings, move toward them, imagining that they are your inner child–your feeling soul self—communicating with you through feelings. Feelings other than peace and fullness inside–such as anxiety, depression, guilt, shame, anger, or emptiness—are the way your soul lets you know that you are abandoning yourself.

2. Recognize the ways you are abandoning yourself.

Ask yourself what you’re telling yourself and how you are treating yourself—how you are abandoning yourself. What self-abandoning actions or beliefs do you have that are causing you to feel disconnected from yourself? Allow the answers to come from within—from the less-than-peaceful feelings.

3. Visualize your higher self.

Once you understand what you are doing to self-abandon, visualize your higher power or an older, wiser aspect of yourself, your higher self. Ask, “What would be loving to me right now?” Open and listen for the answer.

The answer might not come immediately, but if you stay open, the answer will come. Spirit is always here guiding us in our highest good, and opening to learning with your higher guidance will eventually let you know that you are never alone—that you are always being guided toward your highest good.

This is so helpful in learning to love being alone.

4. Take the actions guided by spirit.

This might mean starting to do something creative: writing, drawing, inventing. It might mean listening to beautiful music. It might mean going out in nature, if you can do so safely. It might mean catching up on work. It might mean playing with a pet, or even getting a pet. It might mean reaching out virtually to connect with loved ones or help someone else. It might mean looking to what we’re eating to see how we can better support our immune system.

There is much to learn about what is loving to you, and what better time to learn it than now? You will also find that the more you learn to connect with yourself and your higher guidance, the more you will find joy in connecting with others virtually. This is because, instead of trying to get your emptiness filled, you are already filled with love and can receive great joy from sharing your love with others.

 

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What To Do When You’re Feeling Extra Lonely After Your Divorce

Divorce is hard, but it gets better.

Divorce catapults you into a stormy sea of emotions. Anger, disbelief, and feeling lonely are just a few of the overpowering emotions you experience as you deal with the end of your marriage.

Learning to deal with each of them is critical to your ability to move on, but learning how to deal with loneliness is one of the most difficult.

Dealing with loneliness is especially challenging because it’s a self-perpetuating emotion. It’s not energizing, like anger, so you can’t just work it out of your system by constructively expressing it. And it’s not like disbelief that you can conquer by consistently being presented with facts to the contrary.

Loneliness feeds upon itself. The more you experience it, the greater it becomes and the more difficulty you’ll have trying to conquer it.

Loneliness grows deeper and more profound the more you experience it.

But feeling lonely as you deal with divorce is normal. You’re not really destined to be alone and lonely for the rest of your life, no matter how you feel right now.

“Feel” is a keyword here because loneliness is a feeling. It isn’t a fact. And since it’s a feeling, you can change your feeling by working through it instead of being trapped by it.

Here are 11 tips for how to deal with loneliness so you can move on from your divorce:

1. Connect with others who have also been through a divorce.

Despite how unique your circumstances or how different you feel, there are plenty of people who can easily empathize with your situation — everyone who is going through divorce gets what you’re dealing with. And the quickest ways to find these people are in online divorce communities and in divorce support groups.

2. Get clear about what’s making you feel lonely.

You probably spent time alone when you were married and didn’t feel the same sense of overwhelming loneliness you feel right now. That’s because you’re feeling like there are things missing from your life now that weren’t before.

By coming face-to-face with exactly what’s missing, you’ll be able to start grieving the losses instead of staying stuck in them. And once you start the grieving process, you’ll be gain clarity about how you want to either replace or eliminate what’s missing.

3. Be compassionate with yourself.

Getting through a divorce is tough. Have patience as you find your way through yours. Do little things to pamper yourself every day and be sure to reward yourself for achieving the goals you set.

4. Create a new routine for yourself.

Mourning the loss of a shared routine (like talking about the day’s events with your spouse over dinner) can trigger loneliness. So instead of focusing on the old routine, create a new one for yourself.

5. Disconnect a bit from social media.

You don’t have to go ghost on your friends, but it wouldn’t hurt you to stop using their lives (or your ex’s life) as reasons to feel lonely.

6. Move on from your toxic relationship.

Letting go of your marriage (and what it represented to you) is a process. But the truth is that if it ended, it wasn’t a good relationship for you. And the longer you hold on to it, the more toxic it becomes to you.

7. Practice gratitude.

It is incredibly hard to feel grateful when divorce has ripped (or is ripping) your entire life away from you. But the thing is that as you start to appreciate what you still have and look at the obstacles ahead of you as challenges to overcome, you’ll have conquered one of the keys for learning how to deal with loneliness.

8. Focus on your kids and what they need to deal with the divorce.

Taking care of them will automatically force you to stop ruminating about how lonely you feel because taking care of your kids is a whole lot of work. And as you work to help them, you’ll naturally experience other emotions than loneliness.

9. Choose to learn something.

Learning is a great way to shift your emotions from loneliness to curiosity. You might choose to go back to school to improve your earning potential, or to use your divorce as a reason to pursue personal growth, or even to learn new skills to make your new life easier. (You’ll be surprised at the joy you can feel when you learn how to do things on your own!)

10. Avoid inactivity.

Being inactive or feeling bored is like putting out the welcome mat for loneliness. Instead, make a list of things you can do for fun or to just finally get done. So, the next time inactivity contributes to your loneliness pick an activity and get busy.

11. Talk with someone about your feelings.

Sharing your emotions with a friend or caring professional is great because they’ll often have insight into how to deal with the loneliness that you don’t.

These tips are just the beginning of things you can do as you learn how to deal with loneliness when you divorce. So, experiment with them. One may work better for you today than tomorrow. And try new ideas for breaking through feeling lonely as you discover them.

The more often you can acknowledge your loneliness as emotion and then choose to do something to shift that emotion, the quicker you’ll conquer it and move on from your divorce.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

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Sarika – Out Of The Web – Update

Just another pretty face…

I was just walking home from the salon. It’s been busy and Achilles asked that I help out Trish during her shift.

It’s was really warm out today. We’ve had a chilly Spring but this week the temperature really has finally risen.

So while walking home I decided to walk through Rittenhouse Square. I knew everybody would be out and I thought I’d see a bunch of beautiful women.

There were plenty all sitting outside at the three restaurants on the east side of the square. Rouge, Devon Seafood, and Parc.

So I’m strolling down the sidewalk checking out all of the pretty faces and well turned legs, and who do I see sitting with another girl and two young men?

Sarika!

I see her and she looks up at me and then averts her eyes back to who she is talking to.

She would never do that to me. She’s always nice to me and would call me over to say hello.

So this tells me one thing.

She’s read, phicklphilly!

Game over!

She’s cut me off because I laid it out there and told the truth about the lonely Black Widow.

The truth hurts.

But I’m not sad. She’s just another pretty face.

I have no use for her in my life.

What’s the point of having her around? So I can listen to her warble on about her dates and other failed relationships? I’m sure I didn’t hurt her feelings, because you must have feelings to have them hurt.

C’est la vie!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday at 9am EST.