12 Relationship Red Flags You Should Never Ignore

If you move too fast, you might get burned.

After decades of ignoring the early red flags in relationships only to sail into disaster each time, I’ve finally realized that no matter how gorgeous and alluring the new stranger is, you have to quit when a red flag goes up. As soon as it goes up.

This isn’t as easy it sounds.

For starters, you have to learn how to distinguish red flags from mere quirks and annoyances.

If a woman on her first date with you wears an orange-striped top and you hate orange or stripes, this is not a reason to bail. If her cell phone rings during dinner and she takes the call at the table, this is annoying and will need to be addressed at some opportune point (not the first date). But it’s not a dealbreaker.

If, however, you take a woman to a restaurant that serves fancy pizza and she eats the pizza by scraping the cheese and tomato off the crust, leaves the crust on her plate, then lights a cigarette, smokes it, and grinds the butt out on the crust, this is a red flag.

Happily, I can report after three decades of romantic misadventures that there are, in fact, a few warning signs that the person you’re dating is not relationship material.

1. They’re chronically late.

God, I hate this. I know people like this and let me just say this: I don’t hang out with them anymore. Chronic lateness is never due to, “It’s been hectic” or “It’s been a crazy day or week.” They lack focus and can’t manage their schedules or the clock. Cut ’em loose.

For clarity, “chronic” means “three dates in a row.” If your date arrives more than ten minutes late each time, don’t wait for his (or her) fourth arrival. Be gone.

No doubt your date will have wonderful excuses and one or two may even be sound. But three in a row is a pattern and what the pattern says is: I don’t want to get into this. So neither do you

2. They’re rude to waitstaff.

And taxi drivers, and anyone else in a service job. I shouldn’t even have to explain why this is a dealbreaker. Just remember that it is.

3. They tell scary divorce stories.

It’s amazing how much a new prospect will tell you about her life on a first or second date — much more than she knows she’s saying. The question is: Do you hear it?

If she launches into the story of her messy divorce, is her ex the villain in every respect? To me, that’s a red flag right there. Anyone who’s emotionally grounded should be able to see that two people, not one, contributed to divorce.

I used to know some clown that would spill all of his dirty laundry all the time. Graphic grossness. No one wants to hear or know any of that. Cut ’em loose.

4. They have a too-deep attachment to pets.

A golden retriever is fine and cats are all right if they don’t do much. But I’m still haunted by the memory of an ancient, hairless dachshund that would manage to jump up on the bed during inopportune moments and bark.

Not until the dog owner chose to disengage herself from me and comfort the dog instead did I know that this was trouble.

I know people like this and it’s just weird. Nonstop pictures of her dog and food. This chick has no life and is a profoundly lost and lonely person who is basically a zero. I’ve been out with her and she is an absolute bore. She has NOTHING going on.

It’s easy to be pals with a dog. They’re just your property. Besides… who wants a companion you have to take outside and clean up their excrement for the next 14 years? No thank you!

5. They’ve only had short-lived relationships.

During a first, incredibly romantic lunch with a new prospect some time ago, I mentioned that my most recent relationship had ended after a year.

“A year,” my new friend marveled. “That’s so impressive! All of my relationships end after three months.”

Of course, I resolved to be the exception. Over the next weeks, which happened to include Christmas and New Year’s, we had an amazing time, both in New York City, where she had a charming Hell’s Kitchen walk-up and at my house in the Hamptons.

One Sunday, after I’d put her on the train home, I came back to find the most tenderly romantic note on my pillow, something about soulmates joined. The next week, for no outward cause, she called to break up with me. No argument, no terrible time, just end of story. Only later did I realize it was week twelve.

Lesson: When anyone over 35 tells you all her relationships have ended after a few months — red flag.

6. They put ketchup on their eggs.

If one of those first dates is brunch and your new friend reaches for the ketchup to put on her eggs — red flag!

I realize this may seem arbitrary or fussy. Or perhaps you think I’m making a class judgment here. All I know is: Nothing good ever comes of ketchup on eggs. And it’s really gross. (Kidding!)

7. They have demon children.

Children with an issue or two? Maybe. Children, who hate you? Watch out.

Hopelessly spoiled or angry children? Head for the door.

8. They believe money is the only thing that matters.

Money stirs up so many issues, conscious and unconscious, far more than any blog article can cover. For now, let’s just list two red flags you can spot early on: If a man suggests splitting the tab on a first date or that the woman should pay.

If this happens, then bolt. I don’t say this is fair, especially if, for instance, the woman is a CEO and the man is a freelance writer. But it’s the way it is and any man who tries to worm out of his society-given role as tab-picker-upper on the first (or second or third) date for the sake of saving a few bucks is a creep to be ditched.

For men, an early red flag about money may not start waving until the third or fourth date. A lot of women begin life as daddy’s girls; a few stay that way. They feel men should provide them with the lifestyle to which they’ve grown accustomed from other men who did just that.

If you’re a sugar daddy yourself, have fun. If not, back off.

Over time you’ll only be despised and dropped.

9. They hold unjustified resentment toward their parents.

Powerful emotions about one’s parents are a huge red flag. For men, mother-worship is relationship death.

Back when I was living in New York, a 50-year-old man I knew had dated every single woman in New York and found, to his bafflement, that none is good enough — for his mother, that is. One of this guy’s many castoffs is a very attractive, successful woman of 42, whom I later dated myself.

Now that I know both, I can only wonder who was the first to reject the other. It must have been like two gunfighters at the O.K. Corral.

Nancy rejected me after three really nice dates because she decided my eight-year-old daughter, whom she hadn’t yet met, would be an “encumbrance” to our relationship.

Only after we became friends did I learn how much she resents both her parents. Coincidence? I don’t think so.

10. The sex is bad, really bad.

I don’t need to go into detail here, do I? Except to say that bad sex may get better after a first, fumbling time, but bad sex two or three times in a row is sex that only gets worse.

Don’t fool yourself into thinking that sex is just one part of a relationship, that laughter and shared values are as important — they’re not.

11. They wear dirty underwear and socks.

Your mother was right. They have to be clean.

Dirty underwear is the hallmark of a secret slob and every secret slob has many worse habits you don’t even want to think about, but will all too soon get to know if you don’t leave now.

12. They consistently show anger.

As he or she talks — not just about past romantic relationships but about work, friends, and family — listen for a low hum of anger, like a third rail running along the tracks of your new prospect’s life. For reasons I never quite figured out, I used to be attracted to women who had that vibe.

Maybe it seemed sexy; maybe it reminded me of my mother. But I now know how to recognize anger — not shows of temper, which may be healthy in moderation, but the deeper, more destructive hum — and to back off when I hear it.

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

13 Reasons Why The Older You Are, The More You Hate Everyone

Here’s a post a friend of mine on here sent me. She describes herself as a cranky, jaded introvert. 

But I agree with her on many of these points. I ran into a woman I haven’t seen in probably two years. She looked healthy but seemed exactly the same as she was when I met her over five years ago. Fifteen minutes into the conversation I was already bored. Without the distraction of other people at a bar or the excitement of attending an event, she seemed dull. I’ve come to realize how rampant mental illness is in today’s world.

I believe as we age we need to continually evolve to be better. But I think we can all agree that during this pandemic we really found out who our real friends are.

Anyway… Take it away, Donna!

I used to be one of those girls who was absolutely desperate to be popular, have friends, and be around people.

As I get older, I’ve realized that I’ve turned into a grumpy, crotchety lady who really doesn’t want to be around people.

“Generally, people become more emotionally stable, agreeable, and conscientious as they leave their youth behind,” says Jenn Granneman, author of The Secret Lives of Introverts, “They also become quieter and more self-contained, needing less socializing and excitement to be happy.”

To a point, it’s becoming more of an introvert is a natural process that can’t be helped.

Here’s why you become more introverted and start to hate everyone as you get old — and why I’m OK with turning into a misanthrope.

1. The older you get, the more often people have let you down.

All those Disney songs about having friends who never disappoint you or bail on you clearly haven’t taken into account the majority of the human race.

By the time that you’re 20, you’ve probably been dealt major blows by people you never thought would hurt you, and that makes you really jaded toward people.

2. As you age, the fun of being around people begins to disappear.

Popularity stops being cool when you realize how much money it costs to be popular, and how much of a time-waster it is.

3. You learn over time that people ruin the coolest things.

Ever notice how it only takes one stupid person’s actions to ruin a good thing? Ever notice how many good things get ruined this way?

This is why we can’t have awesome things: stupid people!

4. You find that most people you meet are boring as hell.

Their entire lives revolve around things that aren’t important. They don’t really make you think about anything in particular. They are boring, and there’s a certain point where boring becomes a reason not to talk to them.

If I do hang out with people, I want them to have a real spark inside them, and that just doesn’t really happen too often.

5. You discover that ninety-nine percent of the people you meet are fake.

I hate the fact that most people I’ve met can’t talk about how they really feel, what they’re really going through, or what they honestly think about you.

At the end of the day, most people will sugarcoat things that shouldn’t be sugarcoated, and most people won’t tell you the full truth, even if it’s an absolute necessity.

6. You realize that dealing with people’s drama is exhausting.

I’d rather watch TV.

The drama is more entertaining and it won’t negatively affect me.

7. You find that most get-togethers quickly become incredibly boring.

Let’s face it: most people don’t want to go to those tired dinner parties thrown by their bosses anyway.

8. As years pass, your tolerance for people judging you and telling you what to do shrinks to zero.

People always love to get angry when you don’t live the way they want you to live.

I’m too old to have people judge me, try to control me, or tell me how to live my life. Shouldn’t others be more worried about their lives instead?

9. The longer you’ve been alive, the worse people treat you in general.

When you’re a kid, everyone coos at you and coddles you. When you’re a teenager, everyone hates you. When you’re an adult, everyone hates you and expects you to do stuff for them.

I don’t recall signing up for this BS.

10. By the time you’re 30, you realize that your pets are more mature than the people you regularly talk to.

That might be why I prefer to drink wine with my cats.

11. There’s a certain point where you can’t deal with people’s shallow behavior.

If I was 300 pounds, I could guarantee that men wouldn’t want anything to do with me and that people, in general, would make mean comments about my weight.

Knowing this made me really worn out when it came to talking to people. I don’t want to bother with people who would discard me based on how much I weigh, what I wear, or how I look.

12. People have really messed up expectations about how others should treat them, versus how they treat others.

With most people, manners have gone the way of the dodo, but they have no problem expecting others to be nice to them.

I’m so over it.

13. When push comes to shove, getting older also means that you realize that most people aren’t worth it.

This makes the few people who are worth talking to all the more precious.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

9 Guys To Avoid When You’re Online Dating

Who’s worth your time?

If you’re new to online dating and you’re not sure which men are worth a right-swipe, a nod, a wink, or a message, you need to pay attention to the red flags.

Who’s not worthy of any of your attention, at all? When you learn the red flags to watch out for from the beginning, you’ll save time and heartache (or worse) later on.

When you’re in the first flush of attraction, it can be ever so easy to ignore or rationalize red flags. All the information you need is right there on the dating sites.

So, take this dating advice to heart: don’t ignore the signs that should be setting off alarms, bells, flashing lights and sending you running for the nearest exit.

Here are the 9 men you’ll find when online dating who loudly scream red flags.

1. The Flim-Flammer/Scammer

This is an important red flag: no man looking to date you should be asking you for money or favors. No. Man.

Never give money to anyone you’re chatting with on a dating site or app. If a man asks you for money, stop talking to him. These predators use online dating sites to take advantage of women who are lonely for attention and looking for love.

This guy will say anything to build your trust. He’ll try to make you fall for him. It’s all manipulation meant to get his hands on your hard-earned money.

He needs to attend a family member’s funeral. He is late with his rent because his paycheck got lost in the mail. He’s interested in moving to the U.S. from another country.

That kind of help is what friends and family are for — not the woman he’s chatting with online and hoping to date. Your wallet and bank account are not a part of the package.

2. The Love Bomber

Attraction at first sight? Sure. True love at first sight? And from a glimpse at your profile picture? Um, not so much. This guy uses excessive texting, e-mailing, or phone calls to tell you:

No one falls in love based on a picture, a profile, or a brief message.

Relationships take time to build. Players, narcissists, and sociopaths have agendas with their partners. They often appear intense and deep. They move fast and get serious way too soon.

This guy wants to convince you he’s madly in love with you. He’ll do his best to intensify the relationship so you feel breathless and swept off of your feet.

I know a guy like this. I recently cut him off.

3. The Hair Trigger/Rusher

This guy gets angry or annoyed in a hurry. If you don’t respond to his message immediately, he sulks or complains about it. Or, he may pressure you into meeting right away. Like 15 minutes after you first exchange messages. If you won’t (and you shouldn’t!) he may pout or try to wheedle you into changing your mind.

This guy may be needy, controlling or jealous. Or, he may want to get together for a brief sexual fling rather than develop a relationship.

If this man is looking for something serious, he’ll take the time to have a few conversations with you. He’ll also give you a chance to get to know him before trying to see you.

4. “Only here for the…”

When a guy states “not looking for anything serious” on his profile, believe him.

He is not here to find his soul mate. He’s not interested in a long-term relationship. He wants to casually date, and have some fun. That’s no crime.

But, unless you too are only out to have some fun and casually date, don’t waste your time. You’re going to change him.

5. The Playboy/Player

This guy will have plenty of pictures of himself on his dating profile. With other women. Lots of them.

He’s out to show the world — and you — that he gets around and is proud of it. It’s unlikely he’s looking for a serious relationship. And if he should tell you the women in the photos are friends or his relatives, .

6. Mysterio

The guy with no pictures of himself on his profile. Or, his photos are dark or blurry. He’s wearing sunglasses and a hat. What’s he hiding? Is he shy?

Mysterio may be in a relationship or married and looking to cheat. Or not, but do you want to hang around to find out?

7. The Sexter

The Sexter can hardly wait to send women nude pictures of himself or shots of specific parts of his anatomy (a.k.a. a di*k pic).

He will also ask you for the same. As the name implies, the Sexter is looking for sex.

Men who want to get to know you and form a relationship do not immediately want to show off their package. Nor are they focused on your womanly attributes.

If you’re looking for more than a casual sexual relationship, don’t waste your time with him.

8. The Party Boy

A picture or two of a man having drinks or dining out with friends is fine. More than that, and you’ll see that his profile looks as though he’s still in college, living the frat boy dream.

If you’re looking for a mature man who doesn’t party every night or every weekend, skip the Party Boy.

9. The Imaginary Lover

You can start out believing this guy is worth a second look or meeting in person. He sends interesting and witty emails and/or texts. He’s well-spoken and polite. He can talk about any subject under the sun, but he never makes plans to meet.

Unless you’re looking for a 21st-century pen-pal or you are endlessly fascinated by his spiel, move on.

For your own sanity’s sake, decide on a set number of texts or e-mails you’re prepared to exchange. It should be 4-6. This number is for you, not him. When it’s been reached, tell him you’d like to chat on the phone and make a date to meet. If he won’t or he stalls, move on.

When you’re still learning how to date, especially online, it’s important to stay safe. Be happy. Enjoy dating for what it is — a great way to get to know a person.

Online dating isn’t so different than any other kind of dating. And it’s not meant to remain online. You want time to get to know someone before you’re involved and committed.

By knowing how to spot the types of men to avoid, you can focus on meeting men who are worth getting to know. Lastly, don’t ignore your gut instincts and intuition. If something feels wrong or creepy — pay attention!

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing publishes of Amazon June 20th!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly

Clearing the Cache

I wanted to do this a few years ago, but NOW is the time.

I’ve come to a revelation lately. The older I get, the wiser I become. I remember thinking and saying to my dad how smart he was. He would just say, “I’m just older, son.”

He was right.

He knew he wasn’t better or smarter than anyone else, he simply knew he’d been around for a bit and learned some things along the way.

He was absolutely right.

Although there were certain aspects of my father’s persona he never addressed, he still was a man who had developed cognitive intelligence along the way through experience and through books he’d read.

Socially he was a master and really perfected the art of charming people through manners and diplomacy.

My dad was a great actor and politician.

He knew it, and used it to his advantage.

I’ve met so many people along the way in my journey, and because I’m a giver and sensitive to the human condition, I give people a lot of chances.

Too many chances.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but there’s a moment when you have to draw the line and decide to let go of certain people.

If not, you’re continuing to evolve but still have some human detritus in your cache that need to be jettisoned.

They’re not bad people, but they just aren’t a match for your life anymore.

It isn’t an event, or a day when it happens, but you just sort of have a feeling that these people don’t have a place in your life anymore.

You have nothing in common with them, and no longer align with their lifestyle or mindset.

You’ve acquired them on your journey, sometimes by accident or by choice, but there comes a point when you realize as you continue to grow, you have no use for them anymore. They’re stuck. Probably stuck when you met them. You just didn’t notice.

Again, they’re not bad people, but you can no longer carry them in your life.

You continue to evolve and move forward with your life, but sadly realize they are so far behind or stuck they can no longer be in your life.

It’s hard. And if you’re kind you’ll actually think about them for a while. But happily in time… they’ll fade away.

I wanted to cut this person off over a year and a half ago, but I knew they would only stalk me at my job. But now is the time to finally cut the very last toxic person out of my life.

Cut them loose with no remorse. You’ll feel an incredible sense of relief they can no longer live in your mind rent-free.

 

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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Toxic Friends – 10 Types of Friends to Avoid

The company we keep can make or break us. Be aware of toxic friends and avoid these ten types of friends who can do more bad than good in your life.

We’re all in quarantine. It’s time to cut out all of the losers in your life. You can come out of this with a fresh start. All of this human detritus is holding you back. Cut ’em loose!

A good lover can complete you and make you feel alive.

And just like that, a good group of friends too, can motivate you and cheer you up.

But on the other hand, a few bad friends can drag you into the pits or ruin your life too.

Choose your friends carefully, and always make sure that the friends closest to you are the ones that can make life better for you, and not worse.

Types of friends to avoid

Here is a list of ten types of friends that you really need to avoid.

These toxic friends may seem like fun at times or even feel like thrilling risk takers, but when the crap hits the fan, it’ll be you under it.

#1 The Cheater

Many friendships have been crumpled and crushed, because a best friend hit on a friend’s romantic partner.

To avoid making best friends with this type, avoid the sneaky flirts, the sweet talkers and generally, people who try flattering you and talking like you mean the world to them.

You’d be better off with someone who’s more true and down to earth with their claims.

#2 The Competitor

Any kind of competition is healthy in every relationship but when claws start to come out and things get extremely competitive between friends, things can get very ugly.

#3 The Leech

A friend who constantly borrows your stuff or money or depends too much on you is one that definitely needs to be avoided. No one wants a one sided relationship. If all your friend does is take from you, without giving anything back in the friendship, there’s no point in being friends anymore. If they’re looking for one, tell them to take a one way trip out of your life.

#4 The Copycat

Imitation is considered to be the sincerest form of flattery, but a friend who looks or behaves like your photocopy machine can be very scary.

#5 The Shrink

All of us confide in our friends and ask for advice, but when your BFF starts acting like a paid shrink who always picks flaws in your life or relationships, it can get very annoying and depressing.

#6 The Selfish Friend

This type of friend can go to any lengths for their benefit, but behaves passively when you ask for help.

#7 The Wild Child

Dangerous and unstable is how you define this type. You usually get in trouble or always end up having to save your friend from trouble.

#8 The Whiner

This type of friend is never satisfied with anything they have, and they spend all their time whining and grumbling about how the world is so darn unfair to them. Stay away!

#9 The Mood Killer

This friend intentionally or unintentionally kills the mood as soon as they enter into a conversation with you. They always seem to find a flaw in anything you do or have, be it your clothes or your love life. They are like the lone dark cloud hovering over you on a sunny day. Nothing positive ever comes out of their mouth. They are never short of sarcastic comments or depressing thoughts.

#10 The Swinger

This friend is partially bonkers because their mood swings change from being nice to totally snappy in seconds without any provocation. And this friend may just use you like a punching bag to express their feelings, be it frustrations or happiness. Who needs to be around someone whose moods swing like a pendulum?

Life can be a bed of roses when you have the perfect friends to share it with, but if you have to put up with these ten types of friends, all you’d find is frustrations. Spot the toxic friends in your life and stay away from them, for your own good.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy Phicklephilly THE BOOK now available on Amazon!

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