You might be dating a guy right now who suddenly seems distant every time things seem to be going well between the two of you, leaving you to wonder if your relationship is doomed, or if there’s something you can do about it.
Understanding why men pull away after getting close will help you know how to respond to make him chase you again and get your relationship back on track.
The first thing to know is that the number one reason men pull away from good women they seemed to be falling in love with is fear.
Okay, but fear of what?
You were having so much fun together! You have so much in common and every date was full of laughter, flirtation, and those butterflies in your stomach.
Then, just when you believed you could really see this going somewhere, he began pulling away.
Now, he’s much harder to reach and he takes more time responding to your texts, and he’s rarely available to see you. When you do speak or see him, he seems distant, if not a bit cold, and you have no idea what happened or what you might have said to cause this shift.
Sometimes his fear has nothing to do with you at all but is based on negative experiences in his past.
These may be issues related to independence or insecurities.
He may simply be too emotionally immature to handle the depths of intimacy you were entering together.
Or he may still be worrying about issues from a previous relationship in which they didn’t share the same value. Or maybe she was never physically attracted to him or thought his personality was too over-the-top, and he’s concerned that you feel the same way.
Many men’s minds work a bit differently than women’s. Not to over-generalize, but men often have trouble pinpointing exactly what is that’s turning them off. What’s more, whatever it is might have nothing to do with you, and yet he genuinely may not be able to put his finger on what it is that drives him away.
Additionally, many men pull away because the idea of a serious relationship freaks them out, plain and simple.
This can be because of past heartbreak, insecurity stemming from childhood, or trauma. They may have once been taught or convinced they’re not good enough and have since struggled with allowing themselves to be vulnerable.
And sometimes, it’s simply because they realize they prefer to remain single and free.
So, is he scared of being tied down, or is he scared of being in love?
Some men pull away the moment they realize that they’re developing real feelings for you. Unfortunately, this can also happen at the very moment you’re realizing that you’re developing real feelings for them!
This fear of love happens because suddenly there are important stakes involved.
They begin worrying about potential outcomes of the relationship, and this affects their behavior. They become nervous, which leads to uncomfortable feelings of vulnerability many people don’t know how to handle.
At the same time, you may have begun fantasizing about your future together.
In doing so, you become more attached to the happy outcomes you hope for and begin feeling anxious at the thought of losing out on your dream now that it feels so close. As a result, you’re no longer in the present moment of getting to know him, fixating instead on how he feels about you — and this will affect your behavior around him.
Generally speaking, people don’t react positively to shifts from spending time with someone who has a fun, charming personality to being with someone who always seems to be searching for reassurance.
When you recognize someone that you really like — someone who makes you feel good — it’s normal to want to latch on. This often happens without you even realizing it, but it changes your vibe.
Guys can pick up on this.
He might not be able to pinpoint what it is exactly, but he might begin thinking of you as clingy. When a guy feels you’re trying too hard to make things official and tie him down, he might panic and pull away.
How should you respond to a man who’s pulling away and even appears on the verge of ghosting you?
When you’re still in the seduction phase with someone, the most important thing is holding onto your self-confidence.
Confidence is key, and here’s why:
- If you want to seduce a man with whom you’d like to construct a solid relationship, you’ve got to highlight your true personality. Too many people make the mistake of playing a role in order to make someone fall for them, and it always backfires because as soon as the other person realizes you weren’t being genuine.
- Being truly confident keeps you safe from appearing to be needy or clingy, which are characteristics that may cause someone to run for the hills, especially if it’s early in a budding relationship.
Here are three steps to take when you notice him pulling away:
1. Focus on yourself
When a man pulls away, your first line of action is switching your focus away from him and back to the task of creating and living the life of your dreams. Make headway on your professional projects and goals. Go to the gym and get those endorphins flowing. Spend time having fun with your friends. Try new things.
And, of course, don’t be afraid to post pictures or status updates on Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat about all the fantastic things you have going on in your life. Stop reaching out to him quite as much, and give him the opportunity to wonder what you’re up to.
Social media can be an incredible tool for presenting yourself in a positive light — just be sure the light you’re presenting yourself in is authentic.
People who are living life to the fullest and are happy with themselves leave a lasting impression, and that’s exactly what you want to do with your new, if currently distant, love interest!
2. Make yourself less accessible
You need to be a challenge. Instead of obsessing on why he doesn’t seem as interested as he did, make sure he sees images of you and how life with you would be that make it practically impossible for him to resist. You don’t have to cut ties and disappear, but reach out to him less and make him wonder where you’ve gone. Don’t ignore his messages, but let him make the first move more often than you do.
By the way, this isn’t something you should stop doing once your relationship gets back on track. The way to make a man fall in love and stay in love with you is by maintaining a fantastic life he longs to be part of.
3. Let him know where you stand
Men who pull away aren’t used to being called out on this type of behavior. In fact, no one is. That’s why we see so much ghosting in the realm of dating and relationships today.
As you embark on your mission of staying busy building your self-esteem and living your best life, text him something like this:
“Hey, it feels like you’re a bit unsure of what you want right now. It’s totally fine, but I’m going to take some distance.”
You don’t have to use these words verbatim, but avoid adding anything like, “So let me know when you’re free, because I’d love to see you again!”
Ending your message like this would put all the power back in his hands. You want to assert yourself with him while also reminding yourself that you are in control of what happens in your own life.
By texting him a message like this, you’re not trying to play detective or figure out what’s going on, you’re just stating the obvious. So be careful with your wording and make sure not to phrase things in a way that gives away your power. All you’re doing is reminding him you don’t need him and making sure he knows you aren’t going to wait around.
Men, just like women, find the opposite of clingy behavior extremely attractive.
Now that you know what you should do when he pulls away, what should you not do?
The more he pulls away, the closer you’ll want to get. When your last twenty text messages and phone calls were left on read or unanswered, you’ll want to keep trying until you finally get a response.
It’s understandable that his distance feels so incredibly frustrating. You’ve been spending so much time together, and now it’s not even a breakup — just sheer, utter and unexplained solitude — but you have to control yourself,
Whatever you do, do not blow up this person’s phone! Give him space and avoid initiating conversations for a while.
If you want the chance to get the ball rolling on a relationship with him again, avoid making these common mistakes:
- Do not harass him. Harassing him won’t do any good. Sometimes, it isn’t even communication you really want; it’s just a response. But nobody wants to talk to someone who makes them feel suffocated. Let some time pass before reaching out again.
- Don’t spy on him. And please don’t send your friends to spy on him either, or worse, try to get information out of him for you.
- Don’t put him on a pedestal. It’s normal to forget about someone’s flaws when you’re missing them, but don’t fool yourself into thinking he’s any better or more worthy than you are. Focus on yourself right now.
- Don’t ask his friends about him. Word travels, you know.
It’s important to not allow your emotions to make you act in a disrespectful manner toward the person you have your eye on.
Above all, the fact that he isn’t picking up should never result in you insulting or threatening him.
You may feel overwhelmed by the desire to tell them everything that’s on your mind that you find it hard to control how the words comes out, but you don’t want to wind up in this type of situation. Making this kind of irreparable mistake may give him a real reason to never contact you again.
Despite your frustration, it’s essential to keep your cool and not blow up at him. And when you do speak, stay focused on keeping the dialogue constructive.
Making it through this period will require a lot of patience from you, but you’ll be fine.
Filling your schedule and saying busy will help you keep things in perspective.