What Makes Men Fall in Love Hard With the Wrong Girl

It’s called “Shadow Side Attachment.”

Do opposites attract? We’ve all seen at least one couple that just didn’t make sense, especially when you’d learn more about the two of them. For me, the first time I saw it was with a casual acquaintance. He was a high-earning, super-conservative banker who had just divorced his kind, sweet, emotionally stable wife of 20 years.

He was now dating a woman who had no degree, a serious drug issue, and a history of getting on the wrong side of the law. Everyone, including his own wife, was left in disbelief that he was falling in love with this woman.

What I later found out was that this story was far from unique. This is, in fact, a pretty common occurrence — or, at the least, more common than I thought it’d be. And, after doing some research, I realized there’s actually a lot of psychology at play in these kinds of relationships.

According to relationship guru Dr. J. Cookerly, much of this has to do with something called “Shadow Side Attachment.”

As the name suggests, many of us have an interest in things that we don’t normally show other people. This is what one might call our “Shadow Side.”

For some of us, that shadow side could be an interest in dating someone who is unusually conservative for our tastes. For others, it could be the desire to do wild and crazy things with people we really shouldn’t be interested in. This is the basis behind the old adage “Opposites attract.”

The funny thing about Shadow Side Attachment is that it often manifests when we’re trying to repress the way we feel.

The good girl wants to escape her “good girl” image for a while and ends up with a “bad boy” who does all sorts of crazy things involving sex, drugs, and maybe a motorcycle.

The bad girl wants to date a good boy who can give her the stability her lifestyle can’t afford her. She wants to have moments where she can bake cookies and just be a normal person. You get the picture.

People who get Shadow Side Attachment don’t necessarily fall in love with the person as much as they fall in love with the fact that the person represents their ability to explore a side to them that they don’t normally get to explore. This is why Dr. Cookerly calls it a form of “false love.”

For the most part, it’s not really sustainable. After all, the thing about people who are polar opposites is that they generally have clashing lifestyles and goals — and that’s usually a dealbreaker in the long run.

While the forbidden nature of a shadow side love may be sexy at the start, it often dissolves into bickering and quarreling about every little thing. As a result, these relationships are typically short-lived, but highly passionate flings.

In the case of the acquaintance and his mistress, it lasted a good two months before he tried to return to his wife, tail between his legs.

However, once in a blue moon, you’ll see a couple that is based on Shadow Side Attachment that actually does turn into a serious, stable, and loving relationship.

I’ve personally seen wild girls end up with conservative guys who never even drank liquor before he met her. However, they tend to be the exception to the rule rather than the rule itself.

So, do opposites attract? Absolutely. There’s just no saying that they’ll stay together.

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Clearing the Cache

I wanted to do this a few years ago, but NOW is the time.

I’ve come to a revelation lately. The older I get, the wiser I become. I remember thinking and saying to my dad how smart he was. He would just say, “I’m just older, son.”

He was right.

He knew he wasn’t better or smarter than anyone else, he simply knew he’d been around for a bit and learned some things along the way.

He was absolutely right.

Although there were certain aspects of my father’s persona he never addressed, he still was a man who had developed cognitive intelligence along the way through experience and through books he’d read.

Socially he was a master and really perfected the art of charming people through manners and diplomacy.

My dad was a great actor and politician.

He knew it, and used it to his advantage.

I’ve met so many people along the way in my journey, and because I’m a giver and sensitive to the human condition, I give people a lot of chances.

Too many chances.

I don’t think there’s anything wrong with that, but there’s a moment when you have to draw the line and decide to let go of certain people.

If not, you’re continuing to evolve but still have some human detritus in your cache that need to be jettisoned.

They’re not bad people, but they just aren’t a match for your life anymore.

It isn’t an event, or a day when it happens, but you just sort of have a feeling that these people don’t have a place in your life anymore.

You have nothing in common with them, and no longer align with their lifestyle or mindset.

You’ve acquired them on your journey, sometimes by accident or by choice, but there comes a point when you realize as you continue to grow, you have no use for them anymore. They’re stuck. Probably stuck when you met them. You just didn’t notice.

Again, they’re not bad people, but you can no longer carry them in your life.

You continue to evolve and move forward with your life, but sadly realize they are so far behind or stuck they can no longer be in your life.

It’s hard. And if you’re kind you’ll actually think about them for a while. But happily in time… they’ll fade away.

I wanted to cut this person off over a year and a half ago, but I knew they would only stalk me at my job. But now is the time to finally cut the very last toxic person out of my life.

Cut them loose with no remorse. You’ll feel an incredible sense of relief they can no longer live in your mind rent-free.

 

 

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This Is What It’s Like to be in a Relationship with Someone who has ADHD

It’s a condition that affects an estimated 3-4% of adults, but as many as 90% of people with ADHD go undiagnosed. That adds up to a lot of individuals – and couples – wondering… is this how it is for everyone else? As a woman with a ‘typical’ brain, 30-year-old Kari Biondi* reflects on the challenges she faced with her non-typical boyfriend.

It’s hard to pinpoint exactly when it became clear that Tom’s brain was built differently to mine – like most other people’s.

We met we were in our early twenties and I was struck by how easily he wore his emotions. He was always super affectionate, would cry openly if he was moved and was able to empathize and strike up a rapport with anyone. He didn’t talk about his feelings or inner life as such, but I suppose I thought it wasn’t necessary given how open he seemed. Other people – men – found his comfort in expressing himself confusing, and when we started dating one friend of his told me that he was surprised: because Tom was so ‘in touch with his feminine side’, as the friend saw it, he’d always thought he was gay.

The flip side to this was what I came to term WTF moments – rare bursts of anxiety triggered by thinking someone was taking the piss. Often people were being lax or just had their own stuff going on – that’s life – but he’d take it personally, becoming hurt and defensive. This is where I got confused – how could someone be so empathetic in some situations but so damning in others? A lot of his friends have been dropped over the years simply for being crap at arranging to meet for drinks.

It was only after we moved in together that some aspects of his behavior began to grate. Overall we had a cozy routine, interesting plans and lots in common – we went to work, came home and chilled – but his reaction to snubs or unfairness could create tension. He would freak if I was late home without letting him know, despite it being something he was guilty of himself. Years passed like this until he admitted that he saw my tardiness as a sign that I’d stopped caring about him and it started to dawn that there was more going on under the surface than I’d thought. Other habits I just found annoying. Cooking together was a nightmare: I’m lazy about following recipes but when Tom cooks every single ingredient has to be weighed exactly. He takes ages, and gets frustrated by that and the inevitable mess from all the precise prep he does.

There are times when I lose him to his deep dives – what I’d later learn were actually just distractions that tap into his brain’s reward center rather than some noble effort to educate himself. As well as airplanes, over the years he’s had obsessions with drones, Japan’s role in WWII, Westerns and watches. I’d joke that he’d be a total boss in any pub-quiz team, but when he comes across a new topic he loves he can be impossible to reach, burying his head in his iPad, scrolling until his interest wanes. I’d call it ‘nerd mode’ to lighten the mood but when he was like that nothing got done and it was lonely. I would get frustrated seeing him ‘entertain’ himself while I’m picking up his shit. More frustrating was when his distractions were more fleeting and he’d be even more difficult to pin down. I’d ask him to help clean up and he’d pull out the hoover, but five minutes later I’d find him online shopping for random things – an oven thermometer and trick yo-yo are two recent purchases that still sit in their boxes. Jobs would frequently get started then dropped.

I coped with this by being pragmatic, accepting that that’s what life with Tom was like. But then, a close friend died and Tom became depressed. He dropped far, sometimes hidden, sometimes loud and dramatic but was even harder to reach. He needed professional help.

His first appointment was with a psychiatrist for a formal diagnosis before moving into therapy and the doctor confirmed the obvious depression but also ran some question-based tests which suggested another thing – that Tom had ADHD. When he came out of the appointment it was almost like he was looking at himself for the first time. He was relieved that support for his depression was coming, but had to feel his way around the ADHD and what it meant for his past and his future. A week later, after more tests, the diagnosis was confirmed.

We both researched the condition but this was where I went full nerd: ADHD didn’t capture Tom’s imagination the way planes had. The more I learned, the closer I felt to Tom and the more I understood his view of the world and found ways to work with him on it – and for him to work with me. Now, if I’m going out, I never give him a ‘home by’ time and check in regularly so I keep control of my space and he doesn’t get worked up. If he’s distracted, I offer up things we can focus on together like going out to eat or watching a film. It’s taken time, but he’s come to understand why he’d act one way when everyone else seemed to behave in another. It opened the door to his inner world, his confusion, his sense of fighting against the world. One thing we still have to overcome is his resistance to seeing some of his behaviors as ADHD and not just ‘Tom’ – that’s a thing for him, that being ADHD somehow depersonalizes his experiences and responsibilities. But the diagnosis has given us the right language to talk about feelings and behaviors and improve our relationship. It’s been a blessing.

What’s the deal with ADHD?

Melissa Orlov, author of The ADHD Effect on Marriage, explains the unique qualities – and trials – of being in love with someone with ADHD.

People who have ADHD have a different kind of neurochemistry and a different physical setup of the brain than people who don’t have it and it’s usually a hereditary condition. It results in very specific symptoms that can include hyperactivity, difficulty initiating and following through on tasks and emotionality, which means that you respond more easily and quickly emotionally than other people do. ADHD also goes hand in hand with anxiety, depression and substance abuse issues.

Chronic distractibility is the number one symptom of adult ADHD, and when you’re a neurotypical – ie, non-ADHD – partner it can leave you feeling unloved or ignored. It’s not that the person doesn’t love you, it’s that the person is distracted. The other big issue has to do with difficulty following through on tasks. Over time, because so many promises are made and broken, the trust in the relationship will erode. Again, it’s not because the person doesn’t love you or is untrustworthy, it’s because they have these unmanaged symptoms.

Between 80% and 90% of adults with ADHD are undiagnosed, and a diagnosis helps the ADHD partner understand the strategies they can use to improve their reliability and performance in the relationship, and for both people in the relationship to understand and interpret the behaviors. If you don’t know that you have ADHD in the relationship, you don’t understand why things are happening or why they’re so pervasive, which is frustrating for both partners.

Almost all of the people that I have worked with who have ADHD are quite emotionally sensitive. It’s a lot to do with shame: ADHD partners have been told their whole lives that they’d be happier and more successful if they work harder and pay attention and so by adulthood they can be sensitive about that and taking blame for things that are beyond their control. Both partners have to understand that they make a contribution to the issues between them.

 

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How to Spot a Female Sociopath by these 6 Traits and Behaviors

Sociopaths move through society in the shadows. In terms of danger, female sociopath is the most powerful.

With so many mental and personality disorders, it’s no wonder it’s hard for us to differentiate between them. I know I sometimes have a difficult time with this as well. When studying narcissism, I sometimes get lost in the complicated indicators and characteristics.

With sociopaths, it can be even harder to understand. For instance, the female sociopath, being one of the most conniving personalities, can confound and confuse the best of us, even being worse than their male counterparts.

Who is the female sociopath?

Did you know that gender can influence the kind and severity of sociopathic behavior? It’s simple, really. Different genders possess different hormones which act in…well, different ways.

While the male sociopath has traits like lack of empathy, inability to understand emotion and the use of manipulation, they are fairly easy to spot for someone who has done their fair share of study on the subject.

Female sociopaths, on the other hand, are harder to recognize because of their feminine wiles and ability to blend into society. Females are able to use their cunning and sweet demeanor to weave their way into the lives of unsuspecting victims.

That’s why it’s so important to learn the traits and behaviors of the female sociopath in order to stay free from their snares. Let me reveal their secrets.

1. Mirroring

The female does something that I have often joked about with various people. I have often talked about females who pretend to like the same activities and hobbies of certain men just to get their attention. Well, all jokes aside, this seems to be a real trait of a female sociopath.

Say, for instance, you like a certain football team or you’re a die-hard fan of a series, well a sociopath will mirror this in order to get closer.

She will even go as far as to research the things you like in order to prove she has the same interests. I guess it depends on how well she does her research as to how long she can keep this going. If you’re smart enough, you’ll be able to see through the veneer.

2. Love bombing

A female sociopath has many attributes and characteristics that can catch and hold a man’s attention for a long time. She will use her feminine wiles while “love bombing” you, or rather placing you on a pedestal.

If you’re none the wiser, you will think you’ve found the perfect mate. She will pour on the attention and then pull back in a well-rehearsed dance of sorts. This ensures that she keeps your interests perfectly focused on her and her alone.

3. An unnerving calm

Unlike the normal anger expressed during an argument, the female sociopath will stay calm. When there should be a certain level of anxiety or stress present, she will keep her voice soft and soothing, exuding an atmosphere of sanity around her.

The angrier you get, the calmer she becomes until you look as though you are the monstrous one in the room. Although it is a good thing to remain calm during disagreements, there are times when every normal person becomes angry.

The female sociopath works this to her advantage and utilizes her unnerving demeanor to make you look like the enemy.

4. Quiet destruction

Here’s a tactic that is absolutely one of the most distasteful maneuvers of all. The female sociopath will plant seeds of doubt in anyone associated with her target. Her mate’s family will see her as a good person and every time trouble brews, she will make it look like it’s all in the imagination of her mate.

I’ve seen this happen, and I’ve also lived through it as well. I am thankful that there were people who were smart enough to see the cracks in my sociopath’s plans. Of course, it was a male sociopath in my case.

Anyway, if the female sociopath is successful in planting seeds and seeing them grow, she can watch the total destruction of her mate as family and friends take her side. It’s despicable and sad.

5. There is no remorse

When it comes to the female sociopath, there is little to no remorse for things she does. If she sees something she wants, even if it belongs to another, she will take it anyway. This is especially true in the case of stealing boyfriends, husbands, girlfriends or wives.

This is because of a lack of empathy. The female sociopath cannot feel others’ emotions or either doesn’t care to. Be careful, she will get what she wants or she will fight ruthlessly trying.

6. Expert liars and deceivers

The female sociopath is an expert liar. I am not sure if they actually believe their lies, or if they just enjoy telling them. They will say anything just to get what they want, that’s for sure. And there is no limit as to what they will lie about either.

When they’re not lying, their hiding things yet to be discovered. Sociopaths of this nature, especially females, are good at hiding things and keeping secrets. It is extremely hard to discover the truth…and when you do, they will go into fits of rage deflecting the blame somehow on you.

Please be careful in your relationships

Although there are many types of mental and personality disorders, this is one of the most dangerous. Women are beautiful creatures, but unfortunately, they can use this beauty in a negative way. There are many beautiful people in the world, it’s just important to understand who you’re dealing with beforehand.

Speaking as a woman myself, whenever I see any of these traits or anything remotely similar, I take the time to analyze myself. Believe it or not, it’s easier than you think to crave this sort of power.

I wish you well and hope you cultivate healthy and productive relationships.

 

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Tales of Rock – Kurt Cobain Kills Himself Twice

“Like Robert Johnson, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison, he was 27 years old when he died.

And let us not forget Amy Winehouse who also died at age 27.”

Few musicians’ experiences with drug abuse have been as complex and intense as Kurt Cobain’s. For proof of this, see the index of Charles Cross’ 2001 Cobain biography Heavier Than Heaven. If you check, “Cobain, Kurt Donald; drug use of…” you’ll basically be instructed to read the entire book. He started off heavily averse to heroin; during his formative years, a friend suggested they try it and he stopped hanging out with him in response. He eventually tried the drug; when asked how it was by Nirvana bassist Krist Novoselic, he shrugged, “Oh, it was all right.” But his habit escalated.

By the time Nirvana appeared on Saturday Night Live in 1992, Cobain was so deep in heroin addiction that he was vomiting and barely able to stand right until the time came to perform. He somehow pulled it together long enough to play “Smells Like Teen Spirit” and “Territorial Pissings” on live television. In March 1994, Cobain attempted suicide for the first time by washing down a large dose of flunitrazepam with champagne while in Rome. He nearly died and ended up in a coma for a day (Novoselic claimed that, mentally, he was never the same after this).

Within weeks he was back in Seattle, crashing on his daughter’s junkie nanny’s girlfriend’s couch and popping out occasionally to purchase speedballs and burritos. Cross quotes the girlfriend as saying, “He’d sit in my living room with the hat with the ear coverings, and read magazines. People came and went; there was always a lot of activity going on. Nobody knew he was there or recognized him.” By the end of the month, Cobain was given an intervention and packed off to rehab in California. But he soon escaped the facility by scaling a six-foot wall and, improbably, found a seat on a flight back to Seattle next to Guns N’ Roses bassist Duff McKagan.

Despite beef between Nirvana and Guns N’ Roses, the two bonded, finding a great deal of common ground as famous musicians from the Pacific Northwest with heroin problems. Once back at his house, Cobain reattempted suicide and this time he meant business. He injected a lethal dose of heroin and then blasted himself in the head with a shotgun, effectively killing himself twice. Like Robert Johnson, Brian Jones, Jimi Hendrix, Janis Joplin and Jim Morrison, he was 27 years old when he died.

And let us not forget Amy Winehouse who also died at age 27.

Another sad rock and roll tragedy. Showbiz is the only industry that eats it’s young.

Check this out:  https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/27_Club

A footnote from phicklephilly: “I never understood suicide. You get one chance to be here, why leave early if you don’t have to? Suicide’s for quitters. I’ve suffered with anxiety and depression my whole life. I’ve beaten the shit out of them both (without drugs) and now we’re all on the same side. Suicide is always a long term solution to usually a temporary problem. I just don’t get it, Kurt. I was in a band when I was younger. It was an amazing experience. Kurt, you play music for a living. You’re in a famous genre inspiring band. You’re surrounded by a gaggle of moist women. Your bank account is full and your nuts are empty. WTF?”

 

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