4 Mantras To Recite Before Breaking Up With Someone, So You Can Let Go

There are few things harder than making the decision to end a relationship, especially when your partner doesn’t see it coming. Regardless of what your reasons might be for the breakup, you may catch yourself second-guessing and questioning your decision. What if you’re making the wrong choice? What if you’re not as happy without them? Dwelling on these questions may make you spiral, so in order to keep your head above water, it’s helpful to have a few mantras to recite before breaking up with someone.

Now that cuffing season is officially in full swing, it can be easy to get caught up in the idea of being in a relationship. Having a special someone to come home to and marathon cringeworthy Hallmark movies with can provide a huge source of comfort during the holiday season. However, this time of year, some people may feel more inclined to stay in a relationship that they know deep down isn’t totally fulfilling them. If you fall into this category, you may be dragging your feet when you know your connection is at a dead-end, and sometimes, you just gotta rip the band-aid off. To help you do that, here are some mantras to keep in mind.

I fully trust myself and my instincts.

Reflection of a young attractive caucasian woman looking to mirror. Wearing casual, beautiful blue eyes, serious look. Indoors, copy space.

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If you’ve been going in circles trying to decide whether or not to break up with someone, it can feel almost impossible to get out of your own head and look at things objectively. There’s always going be what-ifs and unanswered questions, but the key is to have faith in yourself and your instincts. This is especially important to keep in mind if the breakup isn’t mutual, and your ex-partner tries to convince you that things are better with them than without them.

Nicole Richardson, a licensed counselor and marriage and family therapist, recommends taking a step back and remembering why you wanted to do this in the first place. “It is important to have a list of all the reasons you broke up,” she tells Elite Daily. “And remind yourself when your brain starts to play the tape of all the ‘good ol’ times.’”

I’m focused on prioritizing my happiness.

Pain is a given after any breakup, and if you had deep feelings for each other, it may not be an easy transition at first. Because feelings don’t just fade away the day after a breakup, getting to a point where you feel OK again may be hard on both of you. If you’re someone who’s prioritized your partner’s feelings instead of your own in the past, try to switch mindsets and focusing on your own happiness and well-being. Take some time to really think about what makes you happy, whether it’s hanging out with your friends, trying a new workout class, or eating your bodyweight in double-stuff oreos (all three are equally valid options, IMO).

It’s OK to care about someone and move on without them.

This mantra can be the hardest to internalize. When you’re so used to having your life intertwined with someone else’s, it can be extremely difficult to imagine yourself moving on without them, especially if there’s no bad blood between the two of you. Just because you want to go your separate ways doesn’t mean you don’t still care about each other — it can just means that you’re ready to start a new chapter in your life and figure out who you are as an individual.

I deserve to be in a relationship that fulfills me.

We’re all tired of hearing the cliché: “there are plenty more fish in the sea”, but sometimes, it really can help put things in perspective. Currently, there are over 7.5 billion people on this planet, so your odds of finding a relationship that’s fulfilling, exciting, and uplifting are fortunately pretty high. Keep reminding yourself that there’s probably someone better out there, and that you deserve to love and be loved unconditionally.

 

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Michelle – Chapter 22 – Gone For Good

This piece was written two years ago.

In a very short time. This moment. Right here. Right now. Will be a long time ago.”

 

Since our break up, Michelle and I had always kept in touch. We were better friends than lovers.

We stayed friends long beyond our breakup. There was a time when Michelle was my best friend.

Michelle moved on. Relocated to California to marry her high school sweetheart, Dave.

I’ve been thinking about her lately. Simply because she stopped texting me a few months ago after nearly 4 years of continued contact.

An acquaintance who is a psychologist told me the only reason she kept in touch with me was because of my value, and if her marriage failed she’d have something to come back to.

I get that. It makes sense.

I’d never do that because I would never need to. But that tells me that her footing wasn’t quite secured when she embraced her current endeavor.

But it’s been 4 years and by the time you read this, it’ll be 6.

When I met Michelle, my daughter Lorelei was 12 years old. She’s now going to be 22 and when you read this, she’ll be a 23-year-old woman.  Just 4 years short of how old Michelle was when I met her.

If you’d like, go back and read the Michelle series. It’s the first relationship series I had ever written when I began Phicklephilly so long ago.

I wish I had started writing it while we were still together. The tales of our time together would have been so much more vivid and wild.

And Michelle may have had a voice in that journey instead of only me telling the history of our relationship. The Michelle series was my best effort at the time to at least create a “Greatest Hits” album of what it was like for us during that time. A couple of lost souls who came together at the Philadelphia Inquirer (Philly.com)

Two people who fell in love.

If you read the Michelle saga, it’s a fun-filled and heartbreaking journey that I’ll never forget. I’ll always love her and she’s always welcome at our table at Christmas.

Michelle got married and kept her friendship with me a secret from her husband for many years.

Until recently.

I’ve been ghosted.

I’m fine with that because I’m old and wise enough to understand. I want nothing from Michelle. My work with her is done and has been for many years.

My work was complete before she left me.

I wasn’t even sad the weekend she left me. My friend Duncan came to visit and I didn’t even have a bed for him to sleep in because she had just taken it.

Nothing mattered because I knew we were still friends and that had always been the best part of our relationship.

“When my time with you is over at the end of the day, I wish I could start all over and do it again.”

She used to say that all of the time. I never felt the same way. I was happy to wrap myself up in the memory of the day and press it into a memory book in my mind.

I was too tired after our adventures to want to do it again. The elegant memory was burned into my mind forever.

In the last year she had been in touch. If I were her husband, and as insecure as he is I would never want my wife texting and giggling with her ex-boyfriend. The very man who clipped her from him when he was trying to get back together with her when we first met.

All nonsense.

I’m very busy in my life here in Philadelphia. A dear friend of mine said something the other day; “People like busy people.”

They do. Busy people are exciting and industrious. We are inaccessible for a reason.

We don’t retreat from you all. We’re just busy building things.

All of my hookups are gone. (Free drinks!) As they should be. These boys and girls have grown up and moved on to better jobs. They’re beverage managers, husbands and wives now, and are no longer behind the stick to give me oceans of chardonnay for $5 and a $25 tip for me and my girls. I’ve also cleaned the cache of the last bit of toxic detritus from my life for good.

I’ve reached a point in my life that is finite.

I’m running out of time.

No longer leashed to corporate might. I work where I want and put in a honest day’s labor and love it. I deliver product that makes my clients happy immediately. It’s a simple model and the people are nice. I dig my co-workers and we have a good time.

The cash is rolling in and my broker is happy.

Things are good.

My life has never been so simple and so happy. It just seems too easy. I guess when you struggle so long you can’t believe that if you finally do what you want to do and build your on life… it kind of works.

Wow.

I used to be happy when my daughter wasn’t here knowing I could have adult fun, but now I love when she’s here because that’s my only bloodline and I love her.

Lorelei has turned out so great and is always improving. I’m so proud of her and am blessed that she lives here with me and wants to be here.

But as usual…I digress.

Where is Michelle?

Has she finally vanished forever?

I think so.

This could be it.

I’m fine with it.

My work is done.

I think we both know that.

Michelle had some health problems and apparently in the last few years she’s cured them all.

I couldn’t be happier for her.

To live with a disability your entire life is horrible. But after all of this time, Michelle has finally been able to get ahead of all of that and feels better than ever.

That would have never happened had she stayed with me.

I would have helped and treated her, but the lifestyle would have destroyed her.

As fun as it was, the lifestyle was destroying her when we were together.

Our relationship as fun as it was had a finite end that was predetermined before we ever met at the Inquirer.

I knew that, but unfortunately Michelle didn’t.

That’s why I didn’t have the horrible dopamine withdrawal when she left.

It was over and we remained friends. That was the best part of our relationship.

We always had so much fun.

But I haven’t heard from her in a long time, so I think Michelle is finally gone.

Which seems odd now, because she’s always been here.

I spoke with one of my female friends in regard to this subject.

“Dude. You’re her ex and she’s still texting you?” Think of her husband. Don’t be a dick. Cut her loose!”

I don’t want to be the secret in Michelle’s life anymore. That’s not fair to Dave. It’s not cool for her ex-boyfriend to still chat with his lovely wife.

No one wants that.

It’s wrong.

So I think it’s finally over. Michelle has moved to Cali, married, they have their careers, the life and their dreams.

Off your both go.

 

I wish you well, Michelle.

 

 

P.S. I’m a little bit if a bitter bitch in that post, but it was written two years ago, and that’s long gone now. But it is what it is, and it’s been scheduled, so here it is. I try to keep it real here at Phicklephilly.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

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When Someone Isn’t Over Their Ex, They’ll Probably Show These 5 Behaviors

I used to know someone who couldn’t let go… he’s probably still stuck.

Imagine this all-too-real scenario for a minute: You’ve been dating someone for a few weeks and everything’s going well. You really like them and think this could lead to a great relationship. The downside? They bring up their ex’s name way too often, or you catch them creeping on their social media. It’s uncomfortable, and you aren’t sure what to do about it. When someone isn’t over their ex, you’ll probably be able to pick up on certain behaviors that’ll feel like dead giveaways. Knowing what to look out for might be able to help you decide whether or not this is a topic you want to bring up.

First of all, does it really matter if your partner isn’t over their ex before they start dating you? Sex and intimacy coach Irene Fehr tells Elite Daily that it does. “From the wondering, dreaming, thinking about ‘what ifs’ or ‘what should have beens’ with an ex, still being connected with them takes emotional energy — and that is energy that cannot go to a current partner.”

She also points out the importance of emotional availability, saying, “if you want to be involved fully with this person, it’s important that they are available to be emotionally involved and in love with you. Still being involved or hung up with an ex creates a dynamic where there is a ‘third,’ which can be defined as anyone or anything that intrudes on the couple, or makes it difficult to connect deeply and get to know each other.”

If you notice any of the following signs in your bae’s behavior, it might be because they’re still healing from their last breakup and probably aren’t ready to move on.

1. It’s clear they can’t let things go.

Unhappy young couple of friends, teenagers, students at city street, relationship difficulties concept

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If someone isn’t over their ex, then they might still be pretty upset about the way things ended. “They still complain about their ex and what they did or didn’t do, and that carries charge: bitterness, resentment, anger or sadness,” Fehr explains. “They are stuck wishing that things were different and they can’t let it go.”

When the person you’re seeing can’t make like Elsa and just let it go, they probably aren’t over their ex, which means it might be time to have a conversation.

2. They’re still very good friends with a recent ex.

Everyone has a different opinion about whether or not staying friends with an ex is a good idea. To each their own, but according to Fehr, someone who maintains regular contact with an ex might be doing so because they’re not ready to fully part ways. “They still stay in touch with the ex, in person or via social media, and discuss what they’re doing in and with their lives,” she says. “They are a presence in their mind and thoughts.”

That’s not to say that someone who’s still friends with an ex will never be able to give you the kind of relationship you deserve. That’s very much not the case. You can absolutely still be friends with an ex and be emotionally available to have a relationship with someone else. Nevertheless, you will know when that relationship is a little too close for comfort, especially if the breakup is still very fresh and the exes are regularly communicating and meeting up without you.

3. They constantly check their ex’s social media accounts.

If your eyes have ever wandered onto your bae’s phone screen, only to find that they’re scrolling through their ex’s Insta, they might still be hung up, behavioral scientist and clinician Clarissa Silva, tells Elite Daily. In fact, stalking an ex on social media at any point isn’t particularly healthy. “This only stagnates their growth because it occupies their brain with thoughts about their exes’ activities and whereabouts.”

4. Their memories haunt them.

Shot of sad young woman thinking about her problems while sitting next to the river in the city.

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This one might be hard to pick up on if you’ve only recently started dating this person, but if they’re not over their ex, they might become distracted by thoughts of them. “Especially if someone recently ended a relationship, the person might be constantly reminded of good times together — or bad,” Fehr says. “It might feel like everything is a trigger to some memory. They might bring it up or you might feel them drifting away and getting lost in the memory.” Sometimes you only have your intuition to go on, but if you notice that they’re becoming more distant, they could be thinking about their ex.

5. They regularly bring their ex up in casual conversations.

Last, but certainly not least, someone who doesn’t stop talking about their ex probably isn’t over them. “Their number one topic is their ex,” Silva explains. “When someone is struggling to get over an ex, they often reminisce about the relationship.” But, there is a difference between reminiscing fondly and reminiscing obsessively to the point where everyone needs to know every detail about their former relationship. That is never fun to sit through.

Host of the breakup BOOST podcast, Trina Leckie agrees, telling Elite Daily that someone isn’t over their ex “if they talk about their ex often, bring up their ex in conversation, or get emotional about their ex.” Additionally, if they compare you to their ex — whether it be bedroom tactics, hobbies, or life details (i.e: “Oh! My ex went to that college too,” or “My ex used to love it when I did [insert sexual act] to them.”) — they probably aren’t over it, Leckie adds.

If you’ve come to the conclusion that person you’re dating isn’t over the ex, Leckie recommends taking a step back, and “let them know that you aren’t interested in dating someone who hasn’t moved on from their past relationship. Wish them well and look to meet others who are in the right headspace and looking for the same things you are.”

You don’t necessarily have to break things off with someone if they aren’t over their ex, but it’s important to at least talk about it. “Remind them that when they do [bring up their ex], they are only extracting the moments of the relationship they want to remember that where about companionship,” Silva advises. “This is also not allowing them to form a relationship with anyone new.”

It’s not easy to get over an ex, but if someone hasn’t moved on from their previous relationship, and wants to start something new with you, it might be a good idea to talk things out first. After all, you deserve to be with someone who is as invested in you as you are in them, and that can’t happen if they’re still thinking about their ex all the time.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

Buy my new book, Angel with a Broken Wing is now for sale on Amazon!

 

https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

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5 Ways To Get Over Your Ex (Even When It Feels Impossible)

This is solid advice…

From someone who learned the hard way.

Having trouble learning how to get over a breakup and move on from your ex? Do you miss the way they looked at you? The way they smelled? The way their hand felt in yours? Do you think you see them walking down the street when really it’s a stranger? Do you still hear certain music that reminds you of them?

When someone takes up so much of your life, it’s impossible to get over them in a day or two. And while doing things like reading, walking, working out, journaling, and hanging out with friends can certainly be positive distractions, if you really want to deal with the root cause of the emotional pain you still feel, you’ll have to do things a little bit differently.

I have a secret to confess: I went through a breakup that took me several years to get over. She was intelligent, challenging, loving, kind, and beautiful. We dated for just over a year and the mark she left on my heart was undeniable.

I had imagined our futures together. Repeatedly. I pictured her smiling face looking up at me at our wedding. We had discussed what we would name our children. I fell in love with her, hard. And one day it was all over.

It took several painful years to get over her. Years of hiding myself emotionally and engaging in surface level relationships.

I could have done it a lot sooner if I knew how to properly address what was really going on in my unconscious mind, and I want to help you get through things much faster, by laying out that process in this article.

Emotions are one of the most addictive things available to you. When you are in love with someone, your brain is hit with massive surges of dopamine (brain scans have shown that our minds follow very similar patterns when influenced by cocaine or nicotine).

When you no longer have access to your intimate partner (post-breakup), your brain doesn’t fall out of love with them, it simply continues to be in love with them, but you no longer have access to them. And like a crying baby who doesn’t have access to his mother that it so yearns for, our minds’ “rejector stimulus” is on overdrive.

We simultaneously feel the pain of abandonment, the deep craving for a “fix” of our drug (aka partner) of choice, and our once-regular hits of dopamine and oxytocin are nowhere to be found. In fact, immediately after a breakup, your happy chemicals are replaced with a flood of cortisol (stress hormone) and adrenaline. It’s almost as if your body is saying “Here’s a rush of energy… time to get up! Either work your butt off to get that one back, or go make yourself a more valuable partner and find someone else!”

Long story short, if you were hooked up to a brain scanner, your brain after a painful breakup is highly similar to the brain of a drug addict in rehab. So if you’re getting over a breakup, do these things first:

1. Remind yourself of the good, the bad, and the awful.

Part of the reason we get stuck in processing our breakup is that we idealize the relationship as a big collection of amazing, emotionally fulfilling times with very little downside. In reality, you fought frequently and there were core incompatibilities that drove you apart.

To get a more accurate view of your past relationship, journal about the things that you loved about the relationship, the things that bothered you about your ex, and your part in the downfall of the relationship.

2. Allow yourself space to grieve alone.

Take a few days (at least) to sit with your emotions and let them move through you.

Every time you resist feeling an emotion, it goes down to the basement to lift weights. So if you ignore the frustration, anger, resentment, hurt, or pain that is present in your body, it will only get stronger and come back louder than before until you listen to the signals.

3. Embody the “you” that felt the most stifled.

In any failed relationship there is bound to be a part of you that felt like it was discouraged by your ex. Maybe she didn’t like your playful side, or how much time you wanted to spend with your friends, or how much time you spent working on your business.

Whatever it was that felt dormant, go and inhabit that side of yourself to the fullest degree. You only suffer in a breakup to the extent that you lost yourself during the relationship, so there might be some leftover negative emotional residue if you felt like you weren’t fully allowed to be yourself around your partner.

4. Use your newfound energy for positive growth.

With the surge of adrenaline and cortisol that you get after a breakup telling you to get up and get out (and numb yourself to the pain by partying and hooking up with others), you have a huge opportunity. Get your exercise routine dialed, learn a new skill, or build a new business.

I have had clients who built successful seven-figure businesses from the surge of adrenaline they got from an especially painful breakup. Some of the best art in the world was made by people who had lost love. Utilize this current of emotional energy for your personal gain.

5. See your emotional process as a trend, not a linear path away from suffering.

If you expect your emotional suffering to decrease in a linear A to B straight line, you’re in for a rude awakening. Re-frame your processing of the breakup as something that generally trends upwards and you won’t be as taken aback by the down days (when you see something that reminds you of your ex, smell their perfume on someone, and so on).

So you’ve done everything listed above and it only feels like it’s affecting you on the logical level, and not on the deeper emotional level? Then I have one exercise left for you. And it’s one that gets right to the heart of the suffering.

Think back to your relationship with your partner, remember all of the good times and ask yourself one question: What is the overarching emotional benefit that you got from being with them specifically? It could be something along the lines of “She made me feel appreciated/proud/good about myself.”

Whatever that thing is, one of the reasons that you’re suffering this long after your breakup is because whatever she did for you is still a large void in your life. You may be emotionally and psychologically addicted to your ex because they were your only source of a certain emotion, thought, or feeling that you only got from them.

Some examples of this would be:

  • You have low self-esteem and she made you see yourself through her much more positive perspective.
  • You are reluctant to give yourself any praise for a job well done and she would lavish you with praise and congratulations.
  • You feel directionless in life and your relationship with her gave you a project to work on.
  • You aren’t good at keeping yourself accountable or on track with your goals and she helped you tremendously in this area of your life.

Whatever your ex gave you, you are likely still suffering because you barely give yourself any of the emotional benefit that she gave you tons of. So the action step part of this section is to start giving yourself the thing that she used to give you.

Like a bird who lands on a tree branch only to have it break out from underneath it’s feet, you still have wings. You can make yourself soar without her.

Do I still do mental gymnastics sometimes and begin convincing myself that I’m still not over her? Yes, I do. As do a handful of my clients that are engaged to other women. But our brains are experts at convincing ourselves (logically) that we want things that aren’t good for us (because we want them emotionally).

When I slow down for longer than a minute and think about why we broke up (several times), it was because we weren’t right for each other. She is my ex for a reason, just like yours is your ex for a reason. If it was meant to be then it would have been easier and you both would have fought to keep it going. But now it’s in the past and all that’s left to do is to let go of it.

They came into your life to teach you a lesson about yourself, and now it’s time to gracefully let go of that person. You are better off for having known them, and you both bumped into each other on your life’s journey so you can better prepare each other for your next respective relationships.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

My new book, Angel with a Broken Wing, is now on sale at Amazon!

Listen to the Phicklephilly podcast LIVE on Spotify!

Instagram: @phicklephilly    Facebook: phicklephilly    Twitter: @phicklephilly