27 Things Guys Said That Totally Turned Us Off

Here’s an awesome list sent to me by one of my female readers.

Thank you! Take it away, Sasha.

Guess who I’m not hopping into to bed with? The guy who just moments ago confessed that his dream in life is to “live in a yurt.” No offense to his dream, but my dream is never to go camping, never to interface with wild animals, and never go without running water or poop in a hole unless emergency dictates it. Just moments earlier, I was digging this fellow and now all I can see when I look at him is a vision of what he will look after a few years in his yurt — a little bit like Tom Hanks in “Castaway.” “No thanks,” says my vagina. After the jump, some things that guys have said to us that killed our attraction to them in two seconds flat.

  1. “I don’t need anyone as long as I have my cat.” Well let me just pack up my things and go.
  2. “It’s a woman’s job to change diapers.” Yes. It. Is. Check please!
  3. “I borrowed money from my cousin to take you out to dinner.” How, um, sweet (?) of you.
  4. “Let me shave you.” Let me run screaming from your apartment.
  5. “I live with my mom, and she eats all of my ice cream.” I can’t wait to have a slumber party at your place!
  6. “My last girlfriend and I went to sex therapy because I can’t orgasm.” I look forward to learning more about your sexual dysfunction.
  7. “I have no faith in humanity.” Misanthropy isn’t exactly an aphrodisiac.
  8. “Jesus Christ was a loser.” I don’t care what religious beliefs you subscribe to, there’s no reason to knock JC.
  9. “I want to write a book for young people about how to live.” The world thanks you, oh humble guru.
  10. “Who’s your daddy?” Not you, dude.
  11. “You mean you actually wear a bikini at the beach?” No, I wear a wetsuit so not an inch of my skin sees sunlight.
  12. “I believe in the power of touch.” And I believe in the power of never touching you.
  13. “Lesbians always hate me and I don’t know why.” I do, you’re a homophobe!
  14. “I’m really good at getting women pregnant.” This is a selling point? Exactly how many spawns do you have out there floating around?
  15. “You want to have kids even though there are crazy people in your family?” Not with you, you judge-y bastard.
  16. “I’m really glad you’re not one of those man-hating feminists.” You might have just turned me into one.
  17. “I’m really in touch with my feminine side.” Gold star for you, lady boy.
  18. “You really touch my heart chakra.” Is this some New Age way of saying, “I love you”?
  19. “My mother sells herbal weight loss supplements, if you’d like to lose a few.” Thanks so much for the tip, but I’m all stocked up on Xenadrine. What’s good enough for Ronnie from “Jersey Shore” is good enough for me.
  20. “I’ve got to go to my mani/pedi appointment.” Shall I fetch you some rag mags to look at while you’re getting primped and pampered?
  21. “I think you’re beautiful. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t hang out with you.” That is awfully kind of you.
  22. “I can’t go that restaurant, my ex works there and she has a restraining order against me.” Oh yeah … sure no problem. Let’s take a raincheck on dinner. Like forever.
  23. “I’ll let you be my official girlfriend.” How many women are your unofficial girlfriends?
  24. “I’m attaching a new crystal to my scepter.” Gotta love a man who keeps his magic wand all blinged out.
  25. “Check out my new Storm Trooper costume for Comic Con.” Nope.
  26. “I can’t sleep with you in my bed.” Well then, I will kindly get out of it and let you get your beauty rest.
  27. “If I was capable of loving someone, it would be you. But I’m not. So I don’t.” Nothing more charming than an emotionally bankrupt man.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

Listen to Phicklephilly LIVE on Spotify!

55 Hilarious Pick Up Lines for Tinder

Whether you are in a relationship, out of a relationship, or trying to get into one, you are likely already acquainted with pick-up lines. And if you have an active profile on Tinder, you’ve perhaps even used or come across a few pick-up lines today.

Pick-up lines serve numerous purposes in the dating world. You can use them to get the girl you’ve matched with to develop an interest in you, break the ice in a deadlocked conversation, or simply liven up an otherwise boring talk.

When using pick-up lines, the unwritten rule is that the cuter and more hilarious the lines are, the higher your chances of winning the girl.

The following are some of the funniest tinder pick-up lines you can use to win a girl over.

Best Pick up Lines

Young Man Using Tinder to Find Women

1. Are you a bank loan? Because you have my interest.

2. Are you a Middle Eastern dictator? Because you’re causing a political uprising in my pants!

3. Are you the SAT? Cause I’d do you for 3 hours and 45 minutes, with a ten minute break in the middle for snacks.

4. Are you the square root of 1? Because you seriously can’t be real!

5. Can you stop staring at my profile and message me already? I don’t bite unless you ask.

6. Damn, you have a dog! Does that mean I’ll never win the “best ever cuddler” title?

7. Damn, you’re a knockout. Was your father a boxer, or did you just get lucky with the gene pool? ???? I bet you a cocktail your personality is even better than your looks too! ?

8. Did it hurt when you fell from heaven?

9. Did you have lucky charms for breakfast? Because you look magically delicious!

10. Do you believe in love at first sight, or should we match again?

11. Do you believe in love at first swipe?

12. Do you ever just lie down at night, look up at the stars and think about all the messed up things in the world? Like why is there a ‘D’ in ‘fridge’ but no ‘D’ in ‘refrigerator’?

13. Do you have a personality as intriguing as your eyes?

14. Do you know the best thing about kisses? If you don’t like them, you can always return them.

15. Do you like sleeping? Me too, we should do it together some time.

16. “Have you ever been to Antarctica?”
“No, why?”
“No way neither have I, we have so much in common!”

17. I’d say you’re the bomb, but that could turn into lethal conversation…

18. “I’m writing a book”
“Fantastic, what about”
“About how beautiful girl like you can stay for so long before meeting smart dudes like me”

19. Hey gorgeous, will you be my Tinderella?

20. I don’t flirt but I do have a habit of being extra nice to people who are extra attractive.

21. If a thousand painters worked for a thousand years, they could not create a work of art as beautiful as you.

22. If beauty were time, you’d be eternity.

23. If I were to ask you out on a date, would your answer be the same as the answer to this question?

24. If we were at home, cuddling on a rainy Sunday morning, what would we have for breakfast? a) American pancakes b) French crèpes c) waffles d) omelette e) something else?

25. If you look that good in clothes, you must look even better out of them.

26. If you were a triangle you’d be acute one.

27. If you’re as good at cuddling as you’re good looking, I’m signing myself up on the waitlist for a date. ?

28. I’m sure you get this all the time but you look like a mix between Fergie and Gandhi.

29. I’m accepting applications if you want to apply, requirements include your phone number.

30. I’m new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

31. Is your name Earl Grey? Because you look like a hot-tea!

32. I seem to have lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

33. I value my breath so I’d appreciate if you’d stop taking it away.

34. Maybe you can help me. I forgot the password to my account, and when I hit ‘password hint,’ it keeps telling me ‘Jessica’s phone number.

35. My mom told me not to talk to strangers online, but I’ll make an exception for you.

36. My nickname at school was “the truth” girls just couldn’t handle me, what was yours?

37. On a scale from 1 to 10, you’re a 9 and I’m the 1 you need.

38. Since distance equals velocity times time, let’s let velocity and time approach infinity, because I want to go all the way with you.

39. So, are you the kind I’d find climbing mountains and acing the diamond slopes, or chilling on the beach with a glass of wine?

40. Sorry it took me so long to message you, I was at Whole Foods trying to figure out what you like for breakfast.

41. Sorry, the position for Spanish teacher has been filled. What I’m looking for at the moment is a bedroom acrobatic teacher.

42. Tell me, what can I say to impress you?

43. They say Tinder is a numbers game… so can I get your number?

44. This is so us. Me doing all the talking. You sitting there looking all cute.

45. We matched! Does that mean you’re coming over to my place tonight, or should we meet and establish we aren’t serial killers or living with our parents first?

46. When I was younger my fairy godmother said I can have a long penis or a long memory, I can’t remember my response.

47. When our friends ask us how we met, what are we going to tell them?

48. What’s a smart, attractive, young… man like me doing without your number?

49. You look like you have great energy, I’m curious, where do you get it from? Yoga? Sports? Dance?

50. You must be a small amount of red phosphorus and I must be a tiny wooden stick… Because we’re a match.

51. You sound busy…any chance of adding me to your to-do list?

52. You’re going to have to delete tinder, you’re making the other girls look bad.

53. You’re seriously cute, but here’s the dealbreaker: do you, or do you not eat marmite?

54. You’re so beautiful you just made me forget my pickup line.

55. You’ve got the best smile on tinder. I bet you use Crest.

There goes our rundown of the most hilarious pick-up lines on Tinder. Add more glamor to your Tinder dating experience by implementing some of these cute and creative liners.