The Horror You Experience When You Realize You’re A Rebound

The rebound is a natural part of the love food-chain.

Here’s a guest post from one of my subscribers here on WordPress. I really like her dramatic writing style!

Take it away!

“I don’t know HOW she could possibly move on from me THAT quickly!” I once blubbered to a friend, fat, salty tears sliding down my swollen face. My first serious, committed relationship had just come to a screeching halt, and I’d found out that in the same moment that I’d been nursing my broken heart by weeping into a bowl of macaroni and cheese, my ex had been on her third date with someone new.

“Oh, come on, Zara! She’s totally a rebound,” my friend rolled her eyes so hard she looked like she was being exorcised by a priest.

“You think?” I whispered. I felt my spirit spring up, like a baby meerkat; incredulous and hopeful.

“Zara are you stupid? She’s not even her type.” She filled up her glass of wine to the tippy top. “This bullshit won’t last a month.”

“You’re right.” I felt a sudden wave of relief wash over me. It was as if I’d just popped a Xanax! This new little b*tch my ex was carousing around town with? Well, she meant absolutely nothing. She was a rebound. A glaringly obvious rebound at that. A smug smile made its way across my distraught, dehydrated face. “Poor girl,” I purred flashing my bleached teeth.

We’ve ALL had experiences with rebounds, right? The rebound is a natural part of the love food-chain. We silently shake our heads when our friends claim to be in “love” with some floozy they started dating days after their breakup. We wake up in horror, overcome with a mean case of sudden repulsion syndrome when we realize the person sleeping next to us — the one we thought might be the next great love of our lives — was nothing but a rebound. We judge our exes for their rebounds and gab to our friends about how much better we are and what a downgrade she is and how embarrassing for everyone involved!

But what about the awful, degrading realization of *being* the rebound? Of having that revelation that *you* were the temporary floozy? Of being hit with the dark epiphany that you were nothing but a fleeting distraction, a pretty pink band-aid patching up a cracked heart?

It was a humid, rainy summer in Florida when it happened to me. While it might’ve poured so hard every single day that the palm trees grew cartoonishly big and plump, I was experiencing a drought as dire as Texas in 2011. Dating apps were new and while I swiped so hard I developed carpel tunnel in my right hand, I never seemed to match with anyone date-worthy.

Until I matched with a short-haired editor named Georgina. Georgina and I met up at a cozy Italian bistro and I liked her right away. We had one of those first dates that feels magical — like you’re about to embark on something new and glittery and exciting. We wasted no time suffering through the usual robotic small talk. We dove into the deep end of the pool right away. We discussed our childhoods, our career ambitions, our teenage traumas. We looked into each other’s eyes like we’d known each other for lifetimes. She drove me home and we passionately made out in the driveway, like two sex-starved gay teens having the first taste of their own gender. Before she peeled out of my driveway I received a text message. “I had such AN AMAZING TIME WITH YOU! Can we meet up again SOON!?” she messaged, thirstily.

I forced myself to wait ten minutes to respond.

“Me too. Let’s meet up!”

The next two weeks were a whirlwind of soul-baring dinner dates, libidinous sex sessions, ardent late-night phone calls, and poetic text exchanges.

“Isn’t this a little fast?” my friends said all at once, a lesbian greek chorus clad in dr. marten boots and flannel shirts.

“Maybe,” I admitted as I guzzled down my wine.

“Didn’t she just get out of a relationship?” the lesbian greek chorus dutifully sang. I hadn’t told them she had, but gays somehow know all the tea on other gays, regardless of where they live or where they’re from, or what social sorority they pledge to.

“Yes,” I smirked. “She’s assured me that the fire in her last relationship burned out a LONG time ago.” I smoothed my hair down like a true Republican lady and ignored their worried glances. What did they know about instantaneous love? (A lot because they’d all U-Hauled, but that’s beside the point).

One night, as I was getting ready for a date I felt a strange twinge in my stomach. Do you know that feeling you get right before someone breaks up with you? It sort of feels like you’ve been hit with an arrow straight in the gut? I felt that. “Don’t be ridiculous, Zara,” I said to myself. “After all, she’s the one who is more into YOU. She’s been pursuing the shit out of you. This is SO typical. You don’t, deep down, believe that you are deserving of nice things. Well, I have news for you! You are, babe,” I hyped myself loud enough to drown out the lingering doubt tickling the inside of my ear with its breathy whisper.

I arrived early and ordered champagne. I was wearing an amazing dress, a dark gray “fit and flair” that had an actual wire at the hem, which made it flute out at the bottom, like a bell. My hair was long and loose and my eyes were smokier than an Eastern European nightclub. My lips were fire-engine red. My nails were fire-engine red. I felt like a Real Housewife of New Jersey mixed with a chic London socialite. I twisted a faux ruby around my finger, sipped my champagne and tried to quell the gnawing feeling holding court in my chest.

My lover of two fervent weeks finally arrived. She ordered a canned beer, the least festive drink on the planet. The moment it was plopped down in front of her distant eyes, she cleared her throat, dramatically, like she was a politician about to deliver a speech to the people. “Zara. Look, I’ve had an amazing time with you.”

I looked at my hopeful glass of champagne and felt instantly depressed.

“But I think I rushed things a bit. I’m so sorry. I just got out of a really big relationship and I haven’t dealt with it yet. I’m not…”

“Ready. You’re not ready,” I cut in, finishing her sentence.

“Yeah. How did you know I was going to say that?” Her eyes looked a little paranoid like she was afraid I was reading her mind. I could’ve. But I didn’t. (It’s not classy to abuse your psychic gifts on a date).

“Because I’ve given this exact speech before,” I quipped. “To rebounds.“

“You’re not a rebound!” she raised her eyebrows defensively. “I’m just not ready.”

“Yes. But the next girl you date you’ll be ready for. Make sure she sends me flowers and a thank you card,” I grumbled, sliding out of my seat.

I did what I always do when my feelings are crushed. I went out. I met up with some friends at our favorite bar downtown.

“Can you believe it?! SHE ENDED THINGS. WITH ME,” I shouted to my best friend Eduardo.

“That sucks,” he said with dead eyes. “Let’s do a shot?”

“I don’t think you quite understand! I was her rebound. She used me!” I felt dirty, like that old rag you use to wipe down your kitchen and the windows.

“I get it. But it happens to everyone,” Eduardo paid for a round of shots. “It’s just the way life goes.” He passed me a little glass filled with clear liquid.

We tapped glasses, threw our heads back and inhaled straight tequila. My eyes burned so badly from the severity of the alcohol I felt like someone poured peroxide in them. “Am I f*cking rebound girl now? Am I that girl you project a fantasy onto because you’re heartbroken and need a warm body to make you feel whole again?” I shivered. I looked at my red nails. Hours ago they looked shiny and vibrant, now they looked desperate. My nails have no chill. My dress has no chill. I have no chill. My thoughts spiraled out onto the street.

“It has nothing to do with you. You know that. You’ve had rebounds. We all know you don’t even see a rebound. You plaster your own ideas onto their faces. You were just in the wrong place at the wrong time, Z. Get over it.” His eyes were no longer dead. They were young and alive.

Like me.

Suddenly I felt my feet rooted into the bar floor. Eduardo was right. While it’s a blow to the ole’ ego to be a rebound, it’s not the end of the world. And maybe it’s good for us to be a rebound. After all, isn’t their a famous Sufi saying about how “When the ego weeps for what it has lost, the spirit rejoices for what it has gained,”? I’ll do anything to strengthen my spirit! Because I know that bitch will long outlive my frail-ass ego.

So if you’ve just realized you are a rebound, I want you to release your pain into the ether. Because you haven’t really lost anything worth having.

 

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

10 Reasons He Suddenly Stopped Chasing You – Even When You Wanted Him To

He pursued me, then suddenly stopped.”

If there’s one thing that men like, it is the chase. They love it when you play hard to get and it makes them want you even more. Yes, we women enjoy it too. But what happens when they suddenly get tired of the chase and decide to move on? When he pursued you, there was slight teasing, you played hard to get and wanted him to pursue you just a bit more. You felt that everything was going well while you played the game of chase with him when suddenly he stopped chasing you.

When it comes to love, dating, and relationships, it is so hard to guess what the other person wants. The moment you feel that it is leading somewhere, he stops pursuing you, leaving you clueless about what happened.

The first question is how does a man pursue a woman? If he always initiates conversations, talks about meeting up, responds to your texts at lightning speed, gives you small surprises, then these are the sure-shot signs he is pursuing you, or in your case, “was pursuing you”. You feel that something has suddenly gone off about him and he doesn’t chase you like he used to before.

You want him to pursue you now but are worried that it’s too late. If you really like this guy a lot and want him back, you need to first identify the reasons why he has suddenly stopped chasing you. It could be nothing, but it’s better to get it cleared out before it’s too late. Here are 10 reasons why he suddenly stopped chasing you.

1. He feels that you’re not into him

He feels you don't like him

When a woman constantly turns a man down, they begin to think that the woman isn’t interested in him. They don’t want to sound all clingy and desperate in front of the woman and begin to feel that it is time they stopped chasing a woman who isn’t into him. Men like the chase, but when the chase gets difficult, they tend to chicken out, at times concluding that the girl is out of his league. If you are among the women, who have turned him down more than once, it means that the guy feels that you’re not into him. This isn’t the time to keep thinking about, “Why he stopped chasing me?”, but about, “How to get him to ask me out again?”

2. He feels like a rebound

Many times, when a man starts pursuing a woman who has just come out of a serious relationship, they feel that the woman is keeping them hanging because she wants him to be her rebound. He spots the signs of being a rebound, and he backs off. He doesn’t feel like he belongs there and realizes that pursuing someone who has just got out of a serious relationship was a big mistake.

3. He’s dating other people

Perhaps he is dating other people

Twenty-First Century dating is more about keeping all options open, weighing the pros and cons, instead of looking for cupid to strike you with an arrow. If this guy has suddenly stopped chasing you, there are chances that he’s dating other people or has found someone else more compatible. Of course, pursuing you does not translate into being exclusive with you!

You might have thought that he was exclusive but that was probably not the case. For him, the meaning of commitment might have been different from yours. If he’s dating other people, it’s time to move on.

4. He feels like a backup

Many people like to have backups. Backups are people which one person keeps to fill a void or when things get lonely. They know that their backup will always be there at their beck and call and thus prefer to keep them hanging. You may not be one of those women, who keeps men as their backup but if this guy has experienced being someone’s backup before, then he might feel so. He may read signs that he is your backup plan. If you are unintentionally keeping him away from your personal life, he might feel that you don’t consider him important enough to be a part of it. Making him a part of your life will solve this problem.

5. He doesn’t see it going anywhere

He feels lost

You might be wondering why he suddenly stopped pursuing me? After chasing you and trying to impress you for some time, he might realize that it isn’t going anywhere. He might be going around in circles without any actual results. If you were playing hard to get too much, he might have got the wrong signals and thought that you weren’t interested in moving it forward. A guy doesn’t like waiting for too long, they prefer in getting clear signals instead. Once he is tired of waiting, he will stop pursuing you and move on.

6. You’re a control freak

How you behave before getting into a relationship has a lot to do with men pursuing you. Men usually like to do all the planning. They like to lead with things and surprise their loved ones. If you’re a control freak and have taken control of things even before getting into a relationship, you’ve probably scared him away. He pursued you because he was attracted to you, but on seeing how fast you’re taking it without even asking him, is the thing that has probably scared him off.

This guy pursued you, went out with you for some time and you thought that it was finally leading somewhere. Before anything significant happening, this guy suddenly chickens out like Chandler in the first four seasons of Friends. There are high chances that this guy is scared of commitment. If you really like this guy and think that something could really happen, talk to him and see how he feels about commitment. If he admits to having commitment issues, take it a bit slow.

8. He’s not interested in you anymore

He is not interested in you anymore

If a man is interested, he will pursue you but when he realizes that he’s not interested anymore, he will decide to move on. Well, this is just how dating works. When a person is interested, he/she will pursue you to get to know you on a personal level. You either hit it off or you don’t. If he doesn’t feel a connection or feels like you aren’t someone he sees himself with, then he’ll stop pursuing you.

If he’s a gentleman, he will own up and tell you that things weren’t working out. But if he has stopped chasing you without telling you, you know what to call him.

9. His deadline has ended

Most men have a mental deadline when it comes to chasing women. It is because they don’t like chasing women for too long. They prefer in living in the moment rather than leaving it on fate to make something work. If you’ve kept him hanging for too long and he’s suddenly stopped chasing you, it means that his deadline has ended. He doesn’t want to keep chasing something that has a dead end and is thinking about moving on from you.

10. He has found someone else

He may have found someone else

Men stop chasing someone or put a halt to their chasing when they find out that someone else is into them. He could have also fallen for someone else instead. Your guy might have grown tired of waiting around and in the process might have found someone else. If he has been avoiding your calls and texts and is making excuses and ignoring you for someone else, then rest assured he has made his choice and you can’t do much about it.

When a man chases you, it is because he wants to prove his worth to you. He likes playing chase but when he doesn’t get the response that he was hoping for, he feels like it’s better to move on instead. If you really like this guy and are thinking that, “He stopped chasing me, but I want him”. There is some damage control that you can do. You might be tempted to taking him on a guilt trip or making him jealous, but the best thing to do is to talk to him openly about it. Knowing his side will help you understand the situation and clear misunderstandings if any.

If he’s still into you, you’ll be able to start things again and if he’s not, you will get some closure and will finally be able to move past it.

 

The Absolute Dater – Making Online Dating Easy Again

Thank you for reading my blog. Please read, like, comment, and most of all follow Phicklephilly. I publish every day.

You can check out my books here: https://www.amazon.com/s?k=charles+wiedenmann&ref=nb_sb_noss_1

13 Brutally Honest Reasons Guys Always End Up Trying To Get Back With The Ex

Why your ex has come crawling back to you — or why he left you for his ex.

Here’s a solid post by one of my female readers. I found it very interesting…

Whether you’re fresh out of a breakup yourself or dating a guy who is, you might wonder if him getting back with an ex is a possibility.

I remember when my ex broke up with me. He was my everything, and I had expected that we’d end up being together forever. Out of all the guys I dated, I never expected to see him boomerang back to me, especially considering that he was so much more popular than I was

I was devastated, I really was.

My friend Jon, though, seemed totally mellow about the entire ordeal. He looked at me while sipping his beer in his classic “you can’t be serious” look. No matter how much I vented, his expression didn’t change, and for some reason, that just got to me.

“Why are you so mellow?” I asked. “I just got dumped!”

Jon laughed, and said, “Dude, I don’t get why you’re sitting here crying into your beer like that. You know he’s going to come back, right? They always come back.”

I didn’t believe him. Yet, no more than 4 years later, he had tried to get back together with me… except this time, I rejected him. He seemed more crushed than I did after the breakup. Eventually, I realized what Jon meant when he said that “they always come back.”

Most men will try to get back with the ex after a breakup, even if it’s not immediate. And sadly, the reasons why they do aren’t always the noblest.

Here are the most common reasons guys try to get back together with an ex.

1. The sex was good.

Most guys will not pass up good sex and they’ll often try to keep the avenue to sex with them open if they can help it. This is why so many guys will weave a sob story about how they “miss their ex,” but that they “can’t really commit to anything again.”

Make no mistake about it: most of the time, guys don’t miss their exes as much as they miss the sex.

2. He had a fall from grace.

This is actually what happened with me and my ex. He lost most of his hair and started looking like a creepy old man. Moreover, due to drama, he also lost a lot of friends who used to praise him and demonize me. Meanwhile, I got more muscular and more popular with his friends.

When a guy sees that their ex is doing way better than they are, they often will try to get back with the ex as a way to regain some of the social standing they once had.

3. He thought you were going to go downhill, and then you bounced back after the breakup.

This happened to me a number of times, and the funny thing about this is that most guys can’t even come up with a good excuse as to why they dumped you in the first place. It wasn’t that he was “in a bad place,” honey. It was that he was too selfish to actually stay by your side when you needed him.

Needless to say, if he kicked you while you were down, he doesn’t deserve an ounce of your time.

4. He had you as a backup plan, and the new girl dumped him.

This reason is most common with cheaters as well as guys who ghost early on in the relationship. The most common reasons he’ll give for dumping you when he apologizes include “I was going through something” and “I didn’t know what I had.” He may also say he misses you.

Don’t fall for it. You can do better than a guy who shelved you.

5. You’re doing well for yourself, and he’s broke.

This happened to my friend and her ex. He dumped her because she was making a solid $11 an hour at a local car wash, said he didn’t want to be seen with a “poor girl,” and that he was worried that she was a gold digger. He ended up losing his $55,000-per-year job later that year.

Guess who came knocking at her door asking for a second chance? That’s right: her ex. And guess who sagely slammed the door in his face? That’s right: she did.

Money is a relationship influencer for both men and women, and male gold diggers are increasingly common these days.

6. He wants to control you.

A scary amount of guys get off on the idea of having a girl wrapped around their little finger, and if he comes back to you once you’re finally over him, it could be because he realized that he no longer has a hold on you.

If you notice him regularly stringing you along, getting in the way of you dating others, or doing similar tactics, it’s a matter of control, not love, for this guy.

7. He doesn’t want to start over and he realized it a bit too late.

Dating is exhausting for most people, including men. Sadly, most guys out there have a “grass is greener” mentality until one fateful breakup… and then they want that girl back because they realized how much work is put into getting another girlfriend.

Unfortunately, this kind of thinking is never good for long-term relationships, so it’s best you keep walking.

8. You got hotter.

Did you lose 75 pounds after the breakup? As shallow as it is, guys will often try to get back together with an ex if that ex ends up looking super-hot later on. There’s a reason why Khloe Kardashian’s Revenge Body show has some truth to it, after all.

However, that interest guys have to get to know “the new you” is never genuine. If it was, then the packaging wouldn’t have mattered.

9. He misses the perks of being in a relationship with you.

Whether men want to admit it or not, being in a relationship does have perks. If he’s been single for a hot minute, then he may want to try to hit up exes in hopes he can get coupled up again, because he knows which girls treated him well.

Though others may disagree with me, I believe that any worthwhile guy will know what he has when he has it and won’t require a breakup to realize he wants you.

10. You became a challenge.

Were you always underfoot when you two were together? If he sees that you no longer want him, he may start chasing you because he sees you as a challenge now. It’s sad, but it’s true. Some guys never learn!

11. He legit changed.

This reason he came back is actually the rarest of all, and it’s up there in rarity with unicorns and Bigfoot. Guys can change if they really want to, but most of the time they won’t. If he tells you this, it may be better not to believe him.

12. He wants an ego boost.

Fragile male egos are a thing, and sometimes, they’ll hit up a girl just because they want to know they’re still attractive. Is this fair to you? No, and it’s all the more reason why you shouldn’t forgive an ex.

It’s not your job to protect the feelings of a man who hurt you, and frankly, no one would really think ill of you to make a point of telling him he’s not worth your time.

13. He regrets the way he treated you.

Some guys really don’t understand how awful they were to a girl until she leaves him. And when this happens, they are often filled with regret. However, going back to someone like this doesn’t ever really end well. After all, there’s no saying that he won’t fall into his old ways and take you for granted.

 

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