How Can Someone Fall In Love Quickly After A Breakup? Experts Explain

There’s no right or wrong way to get over a breakup. There’s no set time frame for moving on either. But if you’re someone who can’t stomach the thought of being with anyone else for a while, it can be pretty shocking to find out that your ex has happily moved on and fallen in love with someone else so soon.

Some people really can move on quickly right after a breakup. In fact, a 2007 study published in The Journal of Positive Psychology found that most people can get over heartbreak in about three months. According to Kim Egel, licensed therapist who specializes in relationships, how long and intense the relationship was are often key factors that contribute to how long it takes someone to heal. If your families are close, or if you have the same friends, it can be even more difficult to fully walk away.

“Healing time is very individual and unique to the specific relationship dynamic,” Egel says. “For example, if the relationship was unhealthy and abusive, it could be longer to sort through the kind of emotions that come with such a connection.”

It may seem obvious, but there is a difference between seeing someone new and actually being in love with them. It’s not shocking to find someone getting out there and dating other people in order to help with the moving on process. That’s what rebound relationships are all about. But it can be pretty surprising to hear someone say they’ve already fallen in love again so soon. According to experts, it’s very possible for some people.

Here are the reasons why some people can fall in love again so soon right after a breakup.

1. They Emotionally Checked Out Of The Relationship Earlier Than You Thought

Some people emotionally check out of a relationship long before they end it.

KaptureHouse/Shutterstock

It’s easier to fall in love with someone new if you weren’t that in love with your ex in the first place. “There are many relationships where one partner is more serious about it than the other,” Kate MacLean, relationship expert at Plenty of Fish, tells Bustle. “The less serious partner likely had ‘one foot out the door’ and was ready to move on.”

More often than not, people don’t just end a relationship out of nowhere. It can sometimes take weeks or months until they realize that they’ve finally had enough. People usually start checking out of the relationship once the thought of breaking up enters their mind. According to MacLean, it’s usually only a matter of time before thoughts get put into action.

2. They Have No Walls Up When It Comes To Love

When someone falls in love again so soon after a breakup, it’s easy to believe they’re just doing it as a way to fill a void. But as Shannon Battle, licensed professional counselor who specializes in relationships, tells Bustle, that’s not always true. “Love isn’t well thought out, it’s strictly guided from emotional regulation,” Battle says. “People who are more emotionally responsive to situations may use actual feelings of love to compensate for their hurt.”

Shortly after a breakup, it’s normal to want to close yourself off to love for a while. But according to Battle, some people don’t. “They have no boundaries with this emotion and they freely give it to others because they highly value intimacy and connection in relationships,” she says. When you’re truly open to giving and receiving love, it’s easy to fall in love again. Some people would rather open themselves up to a good feeling like love than feel pain.

3. They Found “The One”

Some people will fall in love shortly after a breakup if they meet "The One."

Shutterstock

“Love is very mysterious,” Egel says. “Sometimes the right person will come along at a very interesting time, and that can be right after a breakup.” When it comes to love, there are no rules. Just because someone fell in love right away, it doesn’t mean that they cheated, didn’t love their ex, or that their last relationship wasn’t meaningful to them. It just means that they happened to find their perfect match soon after a breakup.

Even if this is the case, it’s still important for that person to take time to process their feelings towards the breakup in order to get a sense of closure. That way they can move forward and start their new relationship off right.

There’s no set time for when people should be fully healed from a breakup or when they should be allowed to fall in love again. Everyone processes heartbreak in their own way, and everyone falls in love on their own time. These are just the reasons behind why some people can fall in love in love so quickly after a breakup.

 

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Cherie – Chapter 61 – Movie Date

Cherie’s been going through a lot as always. School. Graduating in June with a BS in Psychology that she has worked so hard for. Raising her son and working at CHOP.

A bunch of shit I could never deal with. But the last time she was chilly to me was the last time she cam down here. She was never like that. She was closed the whole day until we went back to the house and had sex.

Once that happened she was having explosive orgasms and loving me like she always did.

Noted.

I know what I need to do to break her wall of defense.

It was pretty clear clear cut. She was shitty to me until I fucked her and got all of the negative energy out of her and she came back to me.

My Cherie was back after we had sex and I was walking her to her car.

I have to deal with this. Life could be worse. What middle aged man wouldn’t want a hot, smart, beautiful, fit girl that drives 40 miles to come to your house and makes love to you and wants nothing from you.

It’s uncanny. But it’s worked beautifully for 2 years.  Cherie is busy with medical school and work and I’m building businesses in Rittenhouse. We both work so much it’s nearly impossible to see each other.

But we’ve decided to try to be better. She knows the Saturdays I’m off and we are making it work.

I broke the shell two weeks ago, but she’s coming down today and what will it look like?

I know what works, but Cherie tells me she’s on her period so there will be no swimming in the waters during shark week.

I’m fine with that. My relationship with Cherie isn’t driven by sex. You would think that based on all of the mad sex we have, but no.

If baby says it’s off limits I’m fine with it.

Do you know why?

The sex with Cherie is some mind bending explosive mayhem of joy, but if I can’t have her, I’m super happy to date her.

Our time is limited and the sex is amazing but if she says it’s off limits but wants to come to the city I LOVE taking her on dates. Pizza, the movies! Anything she wants. Because she never wants anything from me. She’s just happy to be with me.

So if I can’t be with her I’m actually happy to take my girlfriend that I love on a proper date and spend some money on her.

Because she wants nothing from me!

I survive a horrible LYFT ride from some crazy woman that actually seems certifiable but make it to the theater on time. I text Cherie and tell her I’ve arrived.

I love Cherie and am happy she’s making the trek to come to the city. She’s stuck in traffic so our chances of seeing the film we were supposed to see is blown.

I don’t even care because it’s my first day off in a month and I’m just happy to see my baby. We can see whatever she wants.

She parks and rolls in late. Again, I don’t even care because I’m just happy to see my girlfriend. The woman that I really love.

We decide on the remake of Deathwish by Eli Roth and it’s awesome.

Cherie complains of tummy troubles but I plow buttery popcorn and diet coke into my gullet.

She seems different.

I’m doing everything I can to pump her up and tell her how much I adore her and how great she is, but it just seems misspent.

At this point I don’t even see it because I’m so happy to be taking my love on a date. I love dates!

Death Wish is a hard film. Bruce Willis. Eli Roth directs. That’s going to be some hard shit. The original in the 70’s is actually worse and one of the gang members was actually Jeff Goldblum! Check it out.

I’ve seen a lot of mad films in my life, but like my father before me, I’ve softened. I can’t take films like that anymore. I’ve been a husband and a dad. I don’t want to see that. It was upsetting, but once retribution happens, I’m, loving it hard.

But I notice Cherie isn’t being her loving, passionate self.

I’m fine. I don’t know what her current deal is so I even compensate with how great she is and how much I love her.

After the movie we kiss in her Saab and I cup her supple breast as our tongues swirl. But it all feels forced. By me. That’s never how I roll. All my love and sex is always a mutual celebration.

What’s up with Cherie?

We drive around a bit and then she ends up dropping me off and going home. I know she’s on her moons but what’s up with my girl?

Things seem amiss.

She texts me that she made it home safe.

But then there’s something else she says.

To be continued…

 

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9 Things That Scream, “I’m Not a Good Person”

Recently there was an interesting discussion on Reddit about the horrible qualities that make you stay away from a person. Users shared their life experience and recognize the “narcissist” in their friends or relatives. And it looks like some of them are very fed up with the rude behavior of others.

We at phicklephilly decided to dig deeper into some of the threads and find the psychological explanation of a “bad” person.

1. Avoiding responsibilities

“Avoiding your responsibilities and sticking someone else with the bill” was called out as one of the bad qualities on Reddit. Fear of taking any kind of responsibility can cause a psychological disorder.

A person, for example, can have a panic attack whenever they unconsciously realize that there is an obligation. It may happen for different reasons:

1. Low tolerance to negative emotions

2. Lack of courage

3. Low self-esteem

4. Fear of making mistakes and fear of failure

2. Inability to accept criticism

© depositphotos.com

Ouch. No one wants to be criticized. It hurts, but sometimes people can’t even swallow the simple truths about themselves. But being open to new information means an ability to change for the better. “Taking any kind of criticism or conflicting opinion as a personal attack” is not cool, according to Reddit users.

And if we can take criticism, we can grow. But there is still the question of why some of people can be so closed-minded:

1. They don’t rationalize.

2. They don’t want to make excuses.

3. They don’t minimize the problem.

4. They don’t want to share the blame.

3. Making fun of other people’s appearances

© depositphotos.com

People often insult each other intentionally, and the emotional scars from this linger for quite a while. People have a need to feel unique from others, but humiliation is not the right way to go about this.

Mocking another person for his or her appearance or views can cause a huge problem for both parties. It is difficult to manage your anger when you hear someone making fun of you or bullying you. In any case it’s better to:

1. Make eye contact and pause instantly.

2. Walk away and don’t react.

3. Minimize your contact with the aggressor.

4. Inability to apologize

If I did it, it wasn’t that bad. And if you are hurt, you deserve it. Words like this can finish off a man. Instead of an apology, you get aggression. Public opinion confirms: “I hate when someone just gives a vague “sorry.”

The reason why they do this can vary:

1. They’re afraid of taking responsibilities.

2. They don’t want to feel a shame that can be really unbearable for them. So each time they will try to make the situation even worse, than ruin a perfect image about themselves.

5. Being disrespectful to people and their work

© depositphotos.com

Being disrespectful to other people and to their work doesn’t help anyone. You just watch with an open mouth and you can’t believe that a person is serious. People who often behave disrespectfully to others may have:

1. A form of self-protection against feelings of inadequacy, or

2. A different style of communication that easily triggers misunderstandings.

6. Being 2-faced

© depositphotos.com

You meet someone who might talk to you nicely and even invite you for coffee, but then you find out that they say you are a freak behind your back. Betrayal!

“Back-stabbing people appear to be nice and helpful to your face, but sing a completely different tune behind your back.” These people may not like the other person, but they don’t have anyone else at the moment or they are afraid of confrontation and aggression.

It is better to:

1. Confirm your suspicions and not be in a rush to blame.

2. Get distant from this person.

3. Avoid revenge.

4. Have a frank and tough discussion with this person.

7. Applying certain rules to specific people, but not to themselves

© depositphotos.com © depositphotos.com

Hypocrisy is not a result of having double standards, but pretending you have one standard when you don’t have any. Saying one thing and doing another is not that rare.

1. The best way to get a reputation for fairness is to be fair. But since this is easier said than done, we more often choose appearance over reality.

2. Self-deception. Benjamin Franklin confirmed that humans exert very little effort to get real evidence when making decisions. Moreover, humans tend to think highly of themselves, and overlook weakness and failures.

3. Self-ignorance. Psychological researchers found that humans are accurate in their perceptions of others, but generally inaccurate in their perceptions of themselves.

8. Never tipping, even when you can afford it

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One research study showed that the extroverted qualities that people from certain cultures have are directly related to how much they tip — the more extroverted, the larger the tip. We have several different motivations for tipping:

1. Encouraging better service on the next visit

2. Rewarding a server

3. Gaining social approval

9. Being envious, even for a small win

© depositphotos.com

People get envious sometimes when they see you succeed. This could even include your best friend. But anyone can get envious and it’s a different story when you spoil someone’s moment who shared a victory with you.

Darwin’s theory of evolution says that humans behave in this way to enhance their individual survival. It drives a person. There are different styles of dealing with this, for example:

1. Always keeping your good qualities in mind.

2. Staying focused on something different, rather than being self-focused.

How do you normally react when a person is rude? Do you know of any qualities that can make anyone a dreadful human being to be around? Please, share your comments with us below!

 

 

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How To Ask A New Partner If They Have An STI (Without It Being Weird) – Part 1

We get it: No one likes to talk about sexually transmitted infections. If things are getting hot and heavy, nothing tosses a bucket of cold water over a sexual encounter quite like saying “STI.”

But in the age of super gonorrhea, it’s super important we have these conversations. Last year, we heard the first reports of super gonorrhea, a strain of the disease so gnarly it’s resistant to the antibiotic drugs usually prescribed to treat it. Oh, joy.

That’s not the only STI you have to worry about. The U.S. has the highest STI rates in the industrialized world, and it’s only getting worse. Nearly 2.3 million cases of chlamydia, gonorrhea and syphilis were diagnosed in the U.S. in 2017, surpassing the record set in 2016 by more than 200,000, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention reported in August. (FYI: We’re using STI here as opposed to STD because not all sexually transmitted infections turn into a disease.)

“It’s scary because a shockingly high percentage of Americans know little, if anything, about STDs and STIs,” said Robert Huizenga, a physician and the author of “Sex, Lies and STDS.” “Few people have any idea what early STD symptoms to look out for, even if symptoms do occur, because many STDs present with no symptoms.”

How are we going to get our abysmal STI rates down if we don’t feel comfortable talking openly and honestly about our sexual health with our partners?

Part of the blame for the uptick in STIs lies in our incredibly lax use of contraceptives. A 2017 National Health Statistics Report found that condom use in the U.S. has declined among sexually active young people, with many opting to use the pullout method instead.

The rate of men who say they use withdrawal ― pulling out a partner’s vagina before ejaculating ― increased from about 10% in 2002 to 19% by 2015, according to a recent study published by the National Center for Health Statistics.

Half-assed methods of protection aside, we’re also dealing with a lack of transparency and conversation about STIs. How are we going to get our abysmal STI rates down if we don’t feel comfortable talking openly and honestly about our sexual health with our partners?

Ideally, your new S.O. or hookup buddy will alert you to any hiccups in their sexual history before you have to bring it up. (If you have an STI, we wrote a very helpful primer on how to tell your partner about it, which you can read here.)

But in the event that they don’t, it’s 100% worth speaking up. Below, sexual health educators share their best advice on how to broach the subject in a way that isn’t a total mood killer.

Ideally, bring it up before things start to heat up.

If you have the luxury of time ― say, you’ve been dating this person for a bit and have yet to have sex ― have this convo before you get naked. Avoid any potential awkwardness by employing the “sandwich method” of communication: Share something positive about your budding relationship, then share something you’re worried about (cough, cough STIs), then follow it up with another positive.

“Maybe you start by telling them how much you like them,” said Janet Brito, a psychologist and sex therapist at the Center for Sexual and Reproductive Health in Honolulu. “Then, say something like ’I really value our relationship, and want to take it to the next level. Do you, too?’”

If they agree, say something like, “Great … I’m a little nervous about having this conversation, but maybe we should talk a little bit about our sexual health, like when was the last time we each were tested?”

Don’t end the train of thought there, though. “Tell them, ‘The last thing I want to do is to kill the mood in the moment. I find you really attractive and really want to do this.’” Brito suggested.

At this point, hopefully, the rest of the conversation will be smooth sailing.

Go into the conversation with this mindset: STIs are incredibly common, so avoid shame-filled language when you bring it up.

If we talk about STIs at all, it’s usually as the punchline for a stupid joke or headlines about “herp alerts at Coachella.” The jokes and puns not only stigmatize those with STIs, they downplay how incredibly common the infections are.

More than one in six adults in the U.S. are living with herpes, according to the CDC, and one in two sexually active persons will contract an STI in their lifetime.

With that knowledge, broach the conversation without using shame-filled language, said Boston sex educator Aida Manduley.

“Asking your partner ‘are you clean?’ shames people for getting infections,” she said. “Regardless of why or how they got infected, STI stigma is terrible for public health.”

Instead, Manduley recommends saying something like, “I’m so ready to have sex with you, and I want to figure out what type of protection we should use before we start!”

“These conversations don’t have to be super serious and sterile,” she said. “Feel free to make them juicy, weird, funny, whatever works for you. And if you’re nervous, practice beforehand so it sounds more natural in the heat of the moment.”

 

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If Your Relationship Is Suffocating, You’ll Notice These 7 Signs

Romantic relationships can be difficult at times. Occasionally, your relationships might require some mediation, a little bit of trial and error, and a lot of communication to work things out. This especially can be the case after the honeymoon phase, or as you and your partner face life changes. However, romantic relationships shouldn’t feel like a burden or heavy obligation. And you definitely shouldn’t feel as if your relationship is suffocating you.

Here are seven red flags you’ll notice if your relationship is suffocating you — and seven signs it’s time to talk things through with your partner (or, honestly, break up!).

1. YOUR SO TEXTS YOU… NON-STOP

Nikita Sursin / Stocksy

A 2019 study by Typing.com surveyed 1,000 people — women, men, married and unmarried, those in long-distance relationships and not, — about their digital communication habits with their SOs. Among other tidbits, researchers found that about six text messages in a row is the point where most people feel their partner is too “clingy” or “needy.” Whatever that number might be for you, a partner who texts you incessantly might make you feel stifled by the relationship.

As relationship expert Susan Winter put it, “Having someone to check in with throughout the day can feel great, but constantly having your phone bombarded with texts and notifications from your (new) bae can start to feel like a bit much.” Moreover, Winter said, if your partner gets upset any time you want to take space, then that’s reflective of some seriously controlling tendencies.

Your partner might explain away their behavior by saying they’re that they’re worried about you. On the surface, that might seem sweet. But if they’re blowing up your phone — especially in rapid succession and throwing a fit if you don’t respond — this can actually be manipulation. “This is to substantiate their position, making emotional manipulation look like affection. Don’t fall for it,” Winter said. “It’s a ploy for control.”

Guille Faingold / Stocksy

To “gaslight” someone is to “make them doubt that their thoughts, feelings, and actions” to the point where they believe they can’t trust their judgment or that they’re losing their mind,” Dr. Leslie Beth Wish explained to Elite Daily. It’s another tactic a suffocating (or even abusive) partner might use to gain control. This might include your partner flat-out denying saying things you definitely heard them say or denying doing things you definitely saw them do.

A partnership where one person gaslights the other can feel suffocating because now, there’s an extra layer to your relationship dynamic (especially when it comes to arguments). If your partner constantly makes you feel irrational, you might start feeling like you’re always the bad guy — and might start believing that about yourself, even if it isn’t true.

 

Guille Faingold / Stocksy

It can feel equally smothering to have a partner who frequently nitpicks and puts you down. Just like with gaslighting, undermining behaviors can do major damage over time. “[Their] feedback, in the beginning, might have just enough ‘truth’ in it that you doubt yourself. Over time, your partner will lie, and tell you that so and so said negative things about your appearance or conversation. Now you have ‘proof’ from another person that you are too stupid, too silly, too shallow, too wrong or too much or too little of something in your behavior or appearance,” Wish said.

Weeks or months of this kind of behavior can chip away at your self-confidence and inner strength, according to Wish. This is, all in all, a toxic situation. Constructive criticism is one thing. Disintegrating your self-worth is another thing entirely.

Guille Faingold / Stocksy

One classic abusive behavior (that has a suffocating effect) is when your partner starts to isolate you. Your partner might start with putting down your family and friends. By casting your crew as untrustworthy, your partner narrows the scope of your reality and exerts control over you. Isolation tactics can be that subtle or more overt. Ultimately, it can come in the form of guilting you into not attending family functions, or berating you for enjoying wine night with the girls.

As love coach Monica Parikh told Elite Daily, “The goal is to isolate you from your support network, making you an easy target for emotional manipulation and abuse.” It’s overwhelming to be forced to deal with the trials and tribulations life throws at you, without your core support network by your side.

4. YOUR PARTNER NEEDS TO KNOW WHERE YOU, ARE ALL THE TIME

Guille Faingold / Stocksy

You might be feeling overwhelmed by a clingy partner if, as Winter put it, “you begin to feel like leaving your apartment requires a sign-out sheet.” And, Winter continued, “Your partner’s incessant need to know where you are at all times is a sign of deep insecurity.” It’s just not realistic or healthy to have your partner monitor your whereabouts at all times. It’s important you maintain your autonomy, even if you’re someone’s partner.

Guille Faingold / Stocksy

It’s also unhealthy if your SO is determined for the two of you to spend all of your free time together. This prevents the two of you from having space for yourself or to be with your own friends.

Again, having freedom is so key to not feeling like you’re drowning in a relationship. Kali Rogers, who founded Blush Online Coaching, told Elite Daily, “Having your own autonomy is so critical to not only your overall happiness, but for your relationship’s, as well.”

6. YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS CO-DEPENDENT

Guille Faingold / Stocksy

There comes a point, too, where your relationship can feel suffocating because the two of you are co-dependent. In co-dependent relationship, there’s one partner who relies heavily on the other and one who’s sense of self is wrapped up in providing for their partner. Psychologist Erika Martinez broke it down like this:

The dependent relies on the codependent to take care of, support, fix, and generally enable [them]. In some cases, the dependent really can’t take care of themselves, and in others, it’s a state of learned helplessness.

The codependent does the enabling and grows accustomed to being the one that people (including the dependent) turn to for help. Thus, codependent’s sense of self-worth and self-esteem are often tied to their ability to fix things, be proactive, help others, people-please, etc.

Being tied to this unhealthy relationship roles can suck the joy out of your partnership.

Michela Ravasio / Stocksy

Similar to the desire to know where you are at all times, another suffocating relationship behavior is your partner demanding access to all your communication. Yes, transparency about what you’re up to and who you’re talking to is good. But it’s best when that happens in couples willingly and organically.

If your partner is pressed to see what you’re looking at online or who you’re messaging, either one of two things is happening: Trust has been broken or your partner is trying to control you. (Depending on your relationship, the situation could be a bit of both.) Parikh confirmed the latter, saying, “A controlling partner may feel entitled to have access to your email, phone, or internet history.”

Guille Faingold / Stocksy

It’s crucial that you and your partner talk things out. If your SO is texting you too much (or throwing a fit when you don’t text back), have a conversation about what kinds of texting or calling is appropriate for your relationship. Talk frankly about self-care and taking time for yourself. Re-establish boundaries. And if you have these hard conversations with your SO to no avail, then these red flags are grounds for breaking up.

Rough patches do happen. But at the same time, your relationship shouldn’t feel like a heavy obligation, or a black hole sucking up all of your happiness and self-esteem. You deserve a partner who’s going to gas you up, be your equal, and nurture your well-being.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic abuse, call 911 or the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1(800) 799-SAFE (7233) or visit thehotline.org.

 

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